The One You Feed - From Chaos to Calm: Why Your Environment Shapes Your Habits and Happiness with Gretchen Rubin

Episode Date: January 9, 2026

In this episode, Gretchen Rubin shares how to go from chaos to calm and why your environment shapes your habits and happiness. She explores how organizing and decluttering physical spaces can boost mental clarity and emotional well-being. Gretchen also shares practical strategies for habit change, discusses individual differences in preferences for order, and explains how small environmental tweaks can make positive behaviors easier. The conversation also covers managing possessions, letting go of outdated identities, and making intentional life choices. Exciting News!!!Coming in March 2026, my new book, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Key Takeaways The relationship between outer order (organization and decluttering) and inner calm (mental and emotional well-being). The impact of small environmental changes on habits, mood, and productivity. The concept of “feeding the good wolf” from the parable of two wolves, emphasizing intentional living. The significance of setting intentions or themes for the new year, such as choosing a “word of the year.” The role of “ignition costs” in habit formation and how reducing friction can facilitate positive behaviors. The varying responses individuals have to clutter and organization, including “clutter blind” individuals and “abundance lovers.” The importance of monitoring habits and recognizing progress to encourage continued growth. Strategies for managing possessions and making decisions about what to keep or discard. The psychological challenges of letting go of items tied to past identities or aspirations. The concept of “choosing the bigger life” as a decision-making framework to guide intentional choices. For full show notes,⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠click here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠!⁠ Connect with the show: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow us on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@TheOneYouFeedPod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Apple Podcasts⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ or ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow us on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you enjoyed this conversation with Gretchen Rubin, check out these other episodes: Living Skillfully with Gretchen Rubin (2020) Designing a Life That Supports You: Presence, Beauty, and the Power of Environment with Nate Berkus By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed, and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you! This episode is sponsored by: ⁠Hungry Root⁠: For a limited time, get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to www.hungryroot.com/feed  and use code FEED. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Aura Frames⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: For a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠AuraFrames.com /FEED ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠to get $35 off Aura’s best-selling Carver Mat frames – named #1 by Wirecutter –  by using promo code FEED at checkout. This deal is exclusive to listeners, and frames sell out fast,  so order yours now to get it in time for the holidays! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Uncommon Goods ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠has something for everyone – you’ll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won’t find anywhere else, and you’ll be supporting artists and small, independent businesses. To get 15% off your next gift, go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠UNCOMMONGOODS.com/FEED⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠LinkedIn⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: Post your job for free at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linkedin.com/oneyoufeed⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There's kind of the energy of starting. And so maybe you start and then you stop and you think, well, that's okay if I stop because I'll just start again and I found it really easy to start. But starting over is harder than starting the first time. Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us.

We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

I'm in a studio this week recording my audiobook, and I've been carrying this bag back and forth with my food, clothes, lozenges, tea. And as the week has gone on, the bag has gotten messier, to the point that this morning it's stressing me out. This episode is with Gretchen Rubin about what she calls Outer Order Inner Calm, and why getting organized isn't a personality test. There's no moral scorecard here. it's about noticing what helps you feel steady and what quietly drains you. We talk about how small changes in your surroundings can lower stress and make good habits easier, not through willpower, but by reducing friction. Gretchen has a term for this, ignition costs, those tiny barriers that stop us before we even start.

If you've been trying to change something, your routines, your focus, your mood, this episode is a practical reminder that sometimes the fastest way forward is to change what's around you. I'm Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi Gretchen, welcome to the show. Hello, I'm so happy to be talking to you today. Yeah, I am really happy to have you back on. We're going to be discussing a variety of things related to happiness to the new year. Primarily, we're going to focus on one of your more recent books,

which is called outer order inner calm, declutter and organized to make more room for happiness. But I don't think that will constrain the whole conversation. But before we get started, we have a traditional way of starting, which is that we talk about the parable. So in the parable, there's a grandparent who's talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. fear. And the grandchild stops and thinks about it for a second and looks up with their

grandparents and says, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I'd like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you and your life right now. Well, I love that you start with this parable because I'm a huge fan of paradoxes and coens and teaching stories. So I love a teaching story like this one. And I think it's exactly right. One of the things I really focus on is this idea that by thinking about our aims and the kind of life that we want and how we can be happy, healthier, more productive and more creative, we can feed that wolf and we can think about, well, how would I feed that wolf? Like, not just thinking, like, I want my wolf to be bigger, but like, what are the kinds of things that would feed that wolf? And then also, if I want one wolf

to shrink, what are the things that I would do that could take away from that wolf? What can I do with my conscious thoughts and actions to bring that about? So, I love that it makes this a very concrete thing to imagine. And I think that when things are more concrete, it's easier to keep them in mind. Yeah. As we move into 2023, I think that's the year. We've lost your act. Some people do New Year's resolutions. Other people pick a word for the year to orient them. Do you participate in any sort of New Year's rethinking about things? And if so, have you done that yet or that's yet to come this year? Yes. I'm a big fan of you. using January 1st as sort of a catalyst for reflection. I mean, many people say, well, it's an

arbitrary date. We could do this at any time. But what I find is that things that can be done at any time are often done at no time. So it's good to have a reminder. And whether that's New Year's Day or your birthday or an important milestone or the solstice or whatever it is for you. And I'd like that at January 1st, everybody's sort of talking about it and kind of reminding each other to think about it. So yeah, I do make resolutions on the happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My sister and I always pick a one-word theme for the year. So for 2022, my theme was salt, which has a lot of kind of metaphorical meanings. And I haven't unveiled my word for 2023, but I think I'm like 95% committed to it. It has a lot. Again, it has layers of meaning. And then we also do something, and it changes every

year. So we did like a 20 for 20 list, a 21 for 21 list, 22 for 22 list, where we make a list of 23 things that we would like to get done in the year. And some of them are fun things. I always add few things that I can do in like the next day. You know, I like the morale booster of having something to cross off. Yeah. And then some are more ambitious. And then, you know, some we've carried over from each of us on our list have carried over, you know, from year to year, but there's still something that we want to get done. So we keep it on the list. So we don't forget that it's something that we want to do. And then also each year, we do a challenge. Like we had walk 20 and 20 and 20 and rest 22 where you would rest for 22 minutes a day,

join that challenge. And then again, we haven't unveiled for 2023. But it's a good way to sort of think about, well, what is something that most of us want to bring into our life? A lot of people are turned off by resolutions. Like they have bad associations because they've like maybe made and broken them in the past. So having a different way to set an aim and think about, well, what would I do to achieve that aim? I think if it makes it feel more fun and more playful, people are more likely to engage with it. Yeah, that's great. My editor, Chris, has a rest in 22, but his was 22 hours. day. Maybe he may have got that wrong. There you go. Carried away. Yeah. And if you keep going, you know, if you're fortunate enough to be doing a podcast in 30 years, you're going to be having like 55

things to do in a year. No, no, no, we've thought about that. Okay, you've got a plan. So we might do five plus five is 10 or maybe it's, you know, five or yeah. Got it. We've already had listeners kind of flagging that for us because I think they're sort of getting overwhelmed in advance. It's like, no, no, no, there's solutions for that, creative solutions. And then sometimes people use a different way. Like, they might say, I want to read 23 novels in 2020, or I want to try 23 new hikes in 2023. So, again, like, you can use it or I want to do 20 things that are easy and three things that are harder. You know, it's just the idea of, there's a lot of ways to interpret it, but it's just to get you in the process of articulating an aim. And then, you know,

once we articulate a name, we're a lot more likely to follow up on it than if we just sort of leave it banging around in our heads. Agreed. Yeah. The New Year can't have the ability to really jumpstart a way of thinking. I've experimented with having a word of the year the last couple years and I'm starting to wonder if for me I need a word per six months. Interesting. That's a great idea. It sort of seems to run out of energy for me in June, July, August. Now, maybe that's a sign I need to recommit and double down at that point. But it might also just be a sign that like, okay, I've really lived with that word and that idea, and I'm ready for something else to give me the energy to carry forward. I have an idea for you.

Okay. Halfway Day. So I was reading an essay about people on submarines. And apparently, at least on this one submarine, they would celebrate halfway day. And when the people would come onto the submarine, they would bring like a shoebox full that had been packed by like their friends and family, which they would keep closed. And then on halfway day, they would all open it and get all these sort of inventas and things. And it was a way to celebrate the fact that they were halfway through their tour of duty. And I was just enchanted by this idea of halfway day.

Yes. Because, again, it's a catalyst to recommit. I love a catalyst. So I have like a whole calendar of catalysts that people want like interesting creative ideas for catalysts. Like you use April 1st to think about money and savings because it's 401 day, 401. Anyway. And so maybe for you, since you've noticed this about yourself, instead of trying to fight it and be like, ooh, I should double down. you should say like, hey, I'm ready for kind of like a new, refreshing view.

Why don't I celebrate halfway day with my new word? That could be fun. I like it. I'm going to run with it. I'm going to go with my intuition that half a year is enough. What was your word last year? I'm curious. Love.

Oh, classic. Classic. Yeah, it was really for me about, like, I've done a lot of work over the years, really trying to live into the fact that love is an action. And I feel like I've gotten pretty good at that, right? We all can improve. But I feel like I've got loving action. It's a strength of mine.

What I don't have as much is the experience of feeling love moment to moment day to day. Now, I know we're not going to always be in it. For me, I wanted to try and connect more to the feelings of love, to actually have the experience of a feeling of love more. And as I did that, I actually realized, like, I experienced it more than I thought I did. You know, I was sort of starting to connect the dots and be like, well, eight times today you've been in love with your dog. You know, you've fallen in love with four new pieces of music this week, right? You feel warm and affectionate towards your partner a lot.

You watch three TV shows that brought you to tears because they were so beautiful. Like, I realized like, okay, I'm not bereft of it maybe in the way I thought I was. So that became the learning more than I have to increase it. Although I did work on that, I became more conscious like, oh, that's actually there. It just needs a little nudge to the foreground. Well, you know, that's so interesting because better than before is a book that I wrote about habit change, and I identify the 21 strategies we can use to make or break our habits. And one of the strategies is the strategy of monitoring, because what the research shows is that when people monitor something,

they tend to be better at doing it, even if they're not trying to change, it kind of moves them more in that direction. Yeah. What I found also is that, like, with monitoring, sometimes it's very reassuring. something like, I want to spend more quality time with my child. Sometimes what people find is when they look, they're like, actually, I'm doing a better job with this than I think that sometimes we get discouraged and we don't give ourselves enough credit. And it's great for you to realize, like, actually, now that I'm shining a spotlight on this and really trying to pay attention to it, I realize that I am actually experiencing this more. And then by realizing that you're experiencing it,

you sort of do experience it more. That's exactly it. Yeah. It's interesting. So it wasn't even that you weren't doing it. It's just you weren't realizing it, sort of running under the level of sort of your conscious awareness. Yeah, I teach a program called spiritual habits where we try and take spiritual principles and combine them with the habit of behavior change. And one of them is generosity. And, you know, one of the things that I say in that lesson is go be more generous. Another way to interpret this lesson is to look at all the ways you already are. And reconnect to those. Reconnect to the time you are spending with your kids is generous, that it's loving. Because again, for whatever reason, And I always find as humans, it's so odd that we can be sort of doing and experiencing something

and yet completely sort of unaware that we're doing and experiencing it. You know, sometimes like it is. I call it sort of connecting the dots back. Like just connect the dots back to what you're doing or the ways that you already are living according to your values. Well, it's funny. I made these like sticky pads to sell. And like some of them are, it's a to do list.

But another sticky pad is a to-da list because I realize that for a lot of people, they're constantly like, I'm not. doing this, I'm not doing that, I'm procrastin, like, you know, the list gets longer and longer, and you're like, but you're not giving yourself credit for all, it's sort of like what we're saying about monitoring. We don't realize about what we've done. And so for a lot of people making a to-da list, they've got to do it, and they've got to-da, which is everything they've already done. For many people, that's very energizing and encouraging because they can sort of get hurt on themselves, thinking about the things that are undone and not connecting the dots

to think about the things that they have done. And strangely, sometimes you can do more when you realize how far you've already come. And so I think for some people, that's a really important, like you say, spiritual practice, which is, you know, what is my tada and what can I say that I'm already participating in? There's a classic example of the gift I was talking about before the show that you have of taking a concept and giving it a very clever name. A tada list. Very good. Bravo.

Good. Thank you. Yes, I have to say I was proud of that. I love like a rhyming or symmetrical. Yeah. The fluency bias, they call that. Yeah. Yep. Let's talk a little bit about outer order inner calm. because my first reaction to the declutter movement that showed up was one of sort of a profound non-interest. I don't remember what the best-selling book by Marie Kondo that just went crazy, right? And I just was like, well, I mean, maybe it's because I'm fairly tidy anyway.

I don't know. But when I heard your title, Outer Order Inner Calm, I went, oh, okay, that actually connects a dot for me, right? That actually connects a dot that says, yeah, because the minute I heard that, I went, oh, yeah, like, I get that completely. When my outer environment is chaotic, I feel slightly chaotic. And so you said that in my study of happiness, I've realized that for most of this, outer order contributes to inner calm more than it should. So say a little bit about how you found your way into this. Well, because for exactly what you're saying, it's like I felt this connection between sort of, if there was chaos on the outside, it felt like there was chaos at me.

And if I felt in control of my environment, I felt more in control of myself, which is an illusion, but it's a helpful illusion. And when I talk to people just like you, it's like there's a connection there. And I remember a friend of mine said, you know, I finally cleaned out my fridge, and now I know I can switch careers. And I thought, you know, I get it. And people would say, like, I feel like when I clean out my closet, I feel just kind of this sense of energy and focus and a sense of possibility. and I think kind of disproportionately, because we can all agree that like a crowded coat closet is not something that is like a significant relevance to whether you're happy, healthy, productive, creative. And yet, over and over people reported that they did feel this connection. And it is something that it's very much within our control.

Also, it's interesting where often by getting rid of things, whether that's by donating them or fixing them or tossing them or recycling them or whatever's appropriate, people feel more engaged in their environments. like they're not fighting their way through stuff that doesn't work or is broken. And so they feel more engaged with their things. If there are things connected to memories, they feel more in connection. Those memories feel kind of alive. The clutter of life gets wiped away. And so it seems like one of these things where it really seemed like a minor thing. But then on the other hand, it seems like, oh, it's actually kind of a major thing.

And so I was just very interested in exploring that because I thought it was kind of surprising. Yeah. Well, in your work on habits, you and I both share a real. interest in this, right? One of the things that becomes clear is that little things can often make a big difference, right? Our environment is stupidly important. The example I always give is the difference between my guitar sitting on a stand and sitting in a case. And every time I realize that when it's on the stand, I play it way more, I feel like, what is the matter with you that that could possibly be it? Like, it takes two seconds to flip the case open. Like, but it's undeniably true. Yeah. And I'll give you an example.

somebody just told me yesterday. So he was like, I wanted to ride my bike to work, but I kept taking the car. And I realized, like, I parked my bike like around the corner. So it was kind of slightly more out of sight and, like, chained it up there. And then I thought, you know, it's just like, I can't be bothered to walk like the extra few steps. I'm going to put it right in front of my door. So I see it every time I walk out. And he's like, huge, huge increase in the number of times he biked to work. And he's like, look, if my bikes get stolen, my bike gets stolen. But if I'm never riding my bike, it might as well be stolen because it's just, you know, And same thing. I mean, you think the difference between opening a case and not opening a case, how could that possibly make a difference? And yet it does. There's this hilarious research showing that if you are at a salad bar, if people can use a spoon instead of tongs, they will take more food because like tongs are just too much work and people won't take as much food because they just can't be bothered to use tongs. So you're exactly right. These very, very kind of laughably small changes can end up being quite significant. It's really hilarious.

Yeah. So one of the other things I think you do a really nice job of in your work is sort of recognizing not everybody's the same. You know, your four tendencies as an example of this. So is outer order inner calm sort of work for everybody or are there a group of people that it just doesn't seem to matter? There seem to be people we know who have the crazy desk that were like, if that was my desk, I would jump off a bridge, but it seems to be what suits them. Right. Well, I think there's a couple different distinctions. One is that some people are truly clutterable. blind. And my co-host on Happier with Gretchen Rubin is my sister Elizabeth, and my sister is clutterblind. So I'm very in touch with this. And these are people who just don't see it. It doesn't back up on them because they just don't see it. My sister would never close a kitchen cabinet door for the rest of her life if she lived by herself. It doesn't weigh on her the way it weighs on me. She's just totally indifferent to it. And we know people like this. And I think for them, if they're sort of like, well, why would I bother to do it? I'm like, well, why would you

bothered to do it. If you're with other people and have to share an environment, then you have to figure out a way so everybody feels comfortable. But if it's just your space, like there's no magic to it. If you feel like you don't feel any better doing it, don't spend the time. Like, it's not important. So those are people who are cluttered blunderblind. But then there are people who are abundance lovers and simplicity levers. And this is something I think that you see where like one person it says like, well, a cluttered dust means a cluttered mind. And like they want bear counters and lots of room on the shelves and not much on the walls and kind of just, you know, one little bud vase and it's like lots of simplicity. And I count myself in this camp much of the time.

And then there are abundance lovers and abundance lovers like profusion and choice and collections and buzz and a lot going on. And so they tend to like to be in environments where there is a like maybe there are piles or there's like a bunch of stuff on a coffee table or a lot of stuff on the shelves. And to simplicity lovers, that can look like clutter. But to an abundance lover, what I consider to be kind of beautiful emptiness, they're like, this looks sterile and stripped to me. Like, there's no life here. Like, what's going on? And again, no one's right, no one's wrong. It's just a matter of preferences. And so if we have to share an environment, we need to figure it out. But it's not like, I'm right, you're wrong, or you're right and I'm wrong. It's just like, okay, I like it this way, you like it that way. How do we proceed?

Yeah, I'm so grateful that my partner, Ginny, now and I have an exact same feeling on clutter and environment. So great. Oh, it's so good. It's such a luxury. We both do it. And so I just notice everyone, so I think about it's like, I don't think we've ever had a conversation about put your stuff away. You know, like from either side. I don't think there's ever been a single conversation. And that's kind of remarkable. Okay. And here's my second question, which is, do you like to leave for the airport at the same time? Roughly. Because if you match on both of those, you have saved yourself 40 percent of sweetheart arguments, I think. We're in the neighborhood on the airport. Okay, okay. I would cut it a little closer than she would. Okay, okay.

I'm not like, let's get there 20 minutes and she's like, let's get there three hours. Okay, okay, it's manageable. I might be like an hour and she's like, we should have an hour 15. Okay, okay. I did discover a new area of difference between us, though, which is that she gets near half a tank of gas and she immediately wants to get gas. And I will drive the thing just to the very brink. It actually comes up more often than you would think because we have been driving from Columbus to Atlanta every month for the last six years because we've had parents in both places that

have needed care. So we encounter this a lot. I'm like, it's fine. Let's just keep going. She's like, no, we got to stop. But luckily, we kind of joke about it and it's not a big deal. You know, this would actually be kind of a funny list. Maybe I'll write a funny list like this, where it's sort of like not the big issues of being a couple, like, how do you think about money, savings, and parenthood and stuff like that? It's more like, how much time do you need to have at the airport? And yeah, I mean, these funny little things, that it's like they can really, though, in a relationship, end up taking up a lot of space. How do you feel about laundry? Like, does laundry need to be in a basket? Can laundry be on the

floor? How long can laundry be on the floor before it goes in the basket? You know, this kind of thing. You're talking about dirty laundry? Yeah, socks. In the basket. In the basket. Well, that's a clutter-related one. Okay, so this is fun. I bet there's like 10 questions that come up disproportionately. They cause more arguments than they should, given their importance to sort of the significant matters of a happy relationship and a happy life. Yeah. It's funny. And then the other piece, of course, is that if the significant matters are well tended,

it's easier to laugh about the little ones. Whereas when the big things are a problem, everything becomes a problem. Absolutely. I've been in those relationships where it's just like... It's an excellent point. The airport thing is not about the airport thing. It's about this fundamental issue in our relationship. Right. You're not listening to me or you're not...

Exactly. Exactly. Right. Yep. Let's talk a little bit about there's a bunch of benefits of outer order that you list, and I'm going to go through a few of them. There's nine of them. We're not going to have time to go through them all, but I'm going to pick a couple. And one of them is that outer order creates a feeling of sanctuary. You say, I experience true leisure because I don't feel pressured to jump up and deal with a mess. Yeah, what a lot of people say is that they would be sort of theoretically kind of in their downtime. and yet they would feel this pressure to like get up and put things away and, you know, they don't feel comfortable in their own space or they feel like they're either putting off things that they should be doing and that made them feel guilty or they were doing those things and then they felt resentful because they weren't getting the leisure time. And so when things are put away,

you have that feeling of like, oh, this is a place that I can go to. I can be in my home and I have that feeling of rest. I have that feeling of kind of security. I have this feeling like this is a place where I can go to like recharge and refresh myself. And I don't feel like I'm just changing, you know, one set of obligations to another set of obligations with no place to sort of relax and recharge. You also say that Outer Order fosters peace within relationships. We were just kind of hitting this, right?

Yes, we were. Where, you know, I spend less time nagging at or arguing with other people. But what do you do if you and your partner or your housemates or your children have very different feelings on outer order inner calm? As we've been talking about, this is just a very common source of conflict. And I think that one thing that's important to remember is these are preferences. Because a lot of times people will say, well, I'm right and I'm going to tell you all the reasons that I'm right. But the thing is, somebody else can be like, well, I'm right and I'm to tell you all the reasons I'm right because the fact is there really is no right or wrong.

It's a question of like, where do people feel comfortable? And if you're sharing a space, you have to think about like, okay, well, how do we manage that so people feel comfortable? And I have to say, is somebody who's pretty tidy myself, I do have sympathy for the people who are saying, like, look, I don't care if the bed is made. If you want to make the bed, knock yourself out, but I don't see why I should spend my time and energy to make a bed when it just gets unmade the next night. And it's sort of like, right, if you don't, care, there's no magic to it. And sometimes people want to be like, oh, but there is a magic to it. It's like, there's only a magic to it if you care. I deeply commit to making my bed.

I make my bed in a hotel room on the day I check out. I have to have a bed made. But I recognize that that's my preference. And if somebody really doesn't want to do that, that's their preference. Right. There's no moral element to this. Right. And there's no like, oh, you're more creative, you're more productive. There's an amazing book by Mason Curry. I think it's called creative rituals. Anyway, he looks at the daily habits of like more than 100 very, very accomplished people, musicians, writers, artists, choreographers, sculptors, scientists. And what you see is that they're all over the place. Like one person stays up late, one person gets up early, and one person drinks vodka, and one person drinks coffee, and one works in a crowded studio, and one works in isolation. And so what you see is that they're just very good at getting what they need in order to do the work that they want to do.

And so there is no moral ground. There's no magic to it. It feels like this is right because this is what feels right to me, but of course, somebody else feels the other way. So you can think of things like, maybe you say like, okay, these are the five things that really drive me bonkers. Can you agree to do these five things? But not everything, but these five things. And then sometimes a person out of love will say, I will choose to do those things because I know that it's really important to you to feel comfortable in the space. But I'm not going to do the five through 15 things because that's on you.

But I will put my dishes in the dishwasher. or I'll put my clothes in the basket, whatever, whatever it might be. Another thing is to kind of have your own space. It's like maybe if you have a big enough place, it's like, well, you've got an office. And if I see something of yours, I'm just going to throw it in your office and close the door. And then if you want it to be messy, it's like that's your mess, that's your space. And then you keep your stuff there. Or if like you've got a big project where there's a lot of pieces that are out, you're going to do it in your space.

So I don't have to look at that. We were talking earlier about convenience. And a lot of times when people are not good about keeping things orderly, it's because it's just a little bit too much trouble. And I mean a tiny little bit too much trouble. In my family, like, people were just leaving their coats draped over chairs all the time. And I was just as bad as everybody else. So none of us were hanging up our coats. So then I thought, well, what if we had hooks instead of hangers? And I also got rid of a lot of our coats that we weren't wearing them because it was so crowded in our coat closet. You really had to like exert your force to jam them in. So I

cleaned them out so it was easier to hang things up. And I put in tons of hooks. And now people will hang up their coats because you just put it on a hook. So it's just that little bit of thing. Or like maybe the junk mail, you need to put a little recycling thing right near where you bring in your mail so you can just like, put it there and anything you need. You like put in the drawer so that it's out of sight and safekeeping. And then you've gotten that done right away because it's just that much more convenient. Or, you know, people who have baskets that they put at the top of the stairs or the bottom of the stairs, if you're living in a house with stairs where it's like anything that needs to go upstairs,

you put it in the basket. And then when you go up, you take it up. So there's little things that you can do if you feel. feel like, well, the people in my house are maybe not opposed to this. They're just not very cooperative about this. Also, I do find if you go through and you really look at clutter from yourself, you're like, I want everybody else to be better about it and they're not, because that's usually the complaint you hear is that, like, people are not orderly enough for me. If you really go through and really clear clutter, get rid of everything you don't use that doesn't work, that you

don't, you're like, I don't even know what this thing is. I don't know why this is in our house. get rid of it. I find that a lot of times people do do a better job because the more space there is to put things away and where it's more clear where things belong. Okay, if I hand you a hammer, where does that hammer go? You should know where a hammer goes. What about stamps? What about batteries? What about a ruler? What about a passport? All these things, they should have a place. And it's sort of people are just more inclined to put things away when they're like, this is where this thing goes. Absolutely. And it's not hard. Like, that drawer when I open it will not like explode in my face because there's so much stuff jammed in there. If it's just like, that's where it goes.

So I think sometimes when people want things to be more orderly, they can help that by doing what they can do within their own power. And then sometimes people are more cooperative. But the fact is, this is a place where people have very different levels of comfort and very different levels of commitment to the work that it takes to maintain order. And it can be frustrating when there's disagreement. So it's something to work through explicitly. Yeah. And I want to talk about some of the those ways of creating more order because I think all those that you listed are so helpful. Like, I am a hook guy. Give me a hook. Give me a hook. It's up. Give me a hanger. It's going to be 50-50. Right. Right. Right. Like particularly, as you say, a hanger in a crowded closet. I mean, it's just

amazing. It's like it's a three-second difference. But again, back to our point, you know, it's that fundamental rule of behavior change, which is basically like, if you want to do more of something, make it as easy as possible to do it. Absolutely. And if you want to do less of something, make it as hard as possible. And little increments of that make a big difference. Yeah. In my 21 strategies of habit change, I talk about the twin strategies of convenience and inconvenience, because you're exactly right. Like, I've talked to people who sleep in their exercise clothes so they don't have to get up in the morning and change clothes. They're like people who keep their television remote control, like in a separate room. So they have to like go get the remote control. But, you know, as we're

talking, I'm just realizing something in my own life that I could do differently. When I was growing up, I grew up in the suburbs, so we had a big kitchen, and we would just leave the dishwasher door open a lot of the time. And that made it very easy to put your dishes in the dishwasher. But now I live in New York City, and we have a much smaller kitchen. So our dishwasher door is always closed because, you know, our kitchen is small. And I'm like, I wonder if that's why I am much worse about putting away dishes. Now, because you think, well, now Gretchen's a grownup. Of course she puts her dishes in the dishwasher. But I actually did a much better job when I was younger. And now I'm realizing why. It's because the dishwasher. door was open. I mean, how little effort is that? And yet, I'm thinking back on it, I think that probably explains why my habit has changed. You have a term in better than before that I think really speaks to this. I love it. It's called ignition cost. And it's that any behavior has a little bit of extra energy needed at the very beginning. And again, we're talking about very little bits of energy, right? Right. I got to flip open the guitar case. I've got to put on my exercise clothes, right? But those little things make actually a big difference. And for whatever reason,

there is something about going from zero to one that is, at least for me, way harder than then going on from one to ten. Well, you know, and what's related to that that surprised me, and I think it surprises a lot of people in kind of a bad way, which is like a lot of times when you start a new habit, there's the ignition cost, but there's also like, especially if you're starting kind of like a habit that you're really fired up about, there's kind of the energy of start. And so maybe you start and then you stop and you think, well, that's okay if I stop because I'll just start again and I found it really easy to start. But starting over is harder than starting the first time. I remember a friend who like wanted to quit drinking, not because he thought he had a big

problem. He's just like, you know, I'm getting older. It's like interfering with my workout. He's like, you know, it's not good for me anymore. And the first time he did, it was super easy to cut way back on his drinking. And then he was like, man, he went back to his old habits. He was, well, I'll just go back to it any time. But then when he did, it was much hard. I think that's very, very often the case that starting over is harder than starting. Oh, yeah. So I think once we start, once we pay that cost, we don't want to have to keep paying it. So once you start, you want to kind of try, really try to keep going if you possibly can.

Agreed. There's a lot of directions to go with that. I had your friends experience times, I don't know, about 1,000, because at 24, I was a heroin addict and I'd burnt my life to the ground, and I got sober. and I stayed sober about eight years. And then after eight years, I'm not going to go into the whole long bit of it, but I ended up going out and drinking again. I never went back to heroin, but I started drinking. But that didn't work out either. And so I kind of had to come back into recovery.

And the second time around, I just was like, how is this so much harder? It was brutally harder. And I know a lot of people that are in my experience, you know, they got a significant amount of time. And they went back out or went back to the habits, and they never made it back. There is something about that that is really true. I think the other thing that starts to happen is particularly when we have started and stopped something a bunch of times is that, and I see this in coaching clients a lot, is they get going with something, but the voice in their head is like, you're never going to

stick with this. You haven't stuck with it before. Right. Why is this time going to be different? Right. And the first little slip, which everybody has a little slip, right? We're not perfect. the first little imperfection and their brain goes, see, I told you so. So it really is that start again cost can really be there. I think there's ways to mitigate it a little bit in really watching what we say to ourselves around it. But yeah, that's a real thing. Yeah. Well, and in the 21 strategies, one is the strategy of safeguards, which is like, you know, you want to plan to fail. Yes. You want to think, well, you know what, if I go to this place, it's going to be too hard. And if I stand by the dessert tray, I'm going to.

You know, you want to think about what are the safeguards that you can put into place. What if I travel? What if I get sick? What if I'm with my difficult relatives? You want to put in all the safeguards. But then, like, actually, the strategy that I found the most entertaining to study is the strategy of loophole spotting, which is looking for the loopholes that we use to let ourselves off the hook because there's so many just imaginative creative examples of this.

And there's 10 kinds of loopholes. So there's like, there's false choice loophole, which is like, well, I've been so busy doing that. I couldn't possibly do that. I'm so busy writing. There's no way I could go in for a doctor's checkup. It's like, really? Like, I think you could probably do both those things. Or fake self-actualization loophole when it's like, you know, you only live once. Like, you know, I have to embrace life to the fullest. It's like you can embrace life to the fullest and not have this, you know, this stale brownie

in the break room or whatever. But I think all of us have these loopholes running. And most of us have a few that are like our go-to favorites. The lack of control loophole, I'm traveling, there's no way I can be expected to do XYZ. And I think just by knowing them, you sometimes can be aware of how you're sort of looking for an opportunity to invoke a loophole to say, okay, well, of course I would not be able to stick to my habit. And so I think when we're more aware of these loopholes, we can resist them because we're more consciously aware of them. But at the same time, I mean, to your point, one of the things that I found very interesting when I was in the study of habits is like, I think a lot of times when people do slip up,

as you say, they think, well, if I'm really hard on myself, if I really talk down to myself, that's going to kind of energize me to do even better. But what the research shows is that actually people who are more compassionate with themselves who say things like, well, you know what, I learned that lesson the hard way or like, well, that wasn't my best day or, well, you know, are more likely to re-engage. And so you really do want to go easy on ourselves. Like, we want to try really hard because the more we stick to something, the easier it's going to get. On the other hand, so it sort of seems like attention. You want to say, like, I really I don't want to slip up, but if I do slip up, I want to have that compassion for myself

and so that I don't feel too discouraged so that I don't feel like trying again. Yeah, I mean, there's so much great stuff in that book of yours about habits because this is really actually pretty nuanced stuff. You know, it sounds easy to be like, well, always take small steps, you know, which the answer is, yes, a lot of the time small steps are absolutely the right answer, but certainly not all the time. A hundred percent. Or pick a specific time every day and do it that time every day. Well, sometimes, depending on your life, but other times, no. And so, you know, knowing your life and the structure of your life and the type of person you are and what works for you is why sort of really thinking about these ideas for yourself is so important.

I could not agree with you more. And I really think if people say, like, what is the biggest mistake people make with habits formation? I think you just put your finger right on it, which is thinking that there's a magic tool that will work for everyone. There is no magic one-size-fits-all solution. We each have to say, like, well, what works for me? Like, when am I at my most energetic and creative and productive? Because for one person, they might work on their novel first thing in the morning, or for what another person they might work at 10 o'clock at night. There's no one right way. People often say to me, like, well, what's the best way way to change a habit? And I'm like, well, what's the best way to cook an egg? And people are

like, well, I don't know. It depends how you like your eggs. I'm like, right. What's the best way to create a habit? It depends on you. Yes. You pointed out, like, pick the same time of day. Earlier, you mentioned my Four Tendencies Framework. So that's the thing that explains a lot of differences that you see in how people effectively change their habits or like kind of do things generally in life. And one of the things you see is some people really thrive on having something on the calendar. And some people absolutely turn away from that. It's counterproductive. They don't like feeling trapped and chained by a calendar. That's how it makes them feel. They will resist that. And the idea like, oh, pay for a class, then you'll go. It's like, that is not good

advice for those people. So you need to know yourself. Like, oh, yeah, if I pay for that class, I'm definitely going to go. Or like, if I pay for that class, I'm going to be less likely to work out. Yep. And it's completely legitimate to feel like that way. A lot of people feel that way. So if you feel that way, it's not like, well, there's something wrong with you or you should try harder. Or like, oh, maybe I'll give you a gift of this class. And now you'll have to go. It's like, well, I just wasted that money. You want to say, well, what kind of person am I? What works for me? If people are curious to know about the four tendencies, if they want to know what tendency they are, if they're an upholder, a questioner, an obliger, or a rebel, just got a quiz.gretchenruven.com,

and you'll get a little report that will tell you what you are and what to do with that information. It's a lot of fun. Check in for a moment. Is your jaw tight, breath shallow? Are your shoulders creeping up? Those little signals are invitations. to slow down and listen. Every Wednesday, I send weekly bites of wisdom, a short email that turns the big ideas we explore here in each show, things like mental health, anxiety, relationships, purpose, into bite-sized practices you can use the same day. It's free.

It takes about a minute to read, and thousands already swear by it. If you'd like extra fuel for the weekend, you also get a weekend podcast playlist. Join us at one you feed.net slash newsletter. That's one you feed.net slash newsletter and start receiving your next bite of wisdom. All right, back to the show. That framework is really a very interesting one as well as the abstainer versus moderator framework, which is a really interesting thing. It's interesting for me because in certain areas I have had to be an absolute abstainer,

like drugs and alcohol, like just had to. And other areas of my life, I really am, I think I've grown into being a moderator and really being able to find my way through that. And so I really think it just, for me, it wasn't as clear. I don't remember whether you and I talked about this last time. It's a question that I would love to ask is, do you see people potentially transform through the course of their life from one to the other? because when I was younger, I had a whole lot more of an extreme streak, right? It was yes or no, black or white, zero or 100. And as I've gotten older, it's not just age. I actually think a lot of it in my case is growth. I've become a lot more nuanced in many, many things. The risk of trying to apply that to drugs and alcohol is too high for me. There's just no possible reason that that's a good idea. But I've been able to find it in other areas to some degree.

for people so they know what we're talking about with the abstainer moderator. So abstainer moderator, this is the strategy, the strategy of abstaining that works for some people in some context, but not for everyone. So the strategy of abstainer works for people who find that they're kind of all or nothing, that they can have none or they can have a lot. But if they start, they want to go all the way. So like for me, it's sweet. So let's put aside kind of things like drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, I think, where a lot of people find like what is it? One is too many and, what's the phrase? Yeah, one is too many, a thousand's never enough.

Right. It's very hard to be a moderate meth using. Right, right, exactly. So let's put those aside, but let's talk about things like sweets, chips, you know, wine. Well, I guess wine is alcohol. So let's talk about things like sweets and chips. Yeah. So for some people, they're abstainers.

And it's like, so I can have no Oreos very easily or I can have like a sleeve of Oreos, but I can't have one Oreo and easily stop. I can't have half a dish of ice cream. I can't have one brownie. But on the other hand, like, I can have half a glass of wine because I don't really care about wine. But then there are people who are moderators, and moderators get kind of panicky and rebellious if they're told that they can never have something. So these are the people who are like, I'm just going to keep a bar of fine chocolate in my desk drawer. And every other day or so, I'll have one square of fine chocolate.

And that's all I need. See, for me, if that was like, I would be eat that thing at 8 a.m. Because otherwise, I would just spend my whole day thinking about when am I going to eat the rest of that chocolate bar. I think that people are a mix depending on what they find truly tempting. And I just found out that for me, it was much easier just to have none. And I think in culture, we accept that for certain things you have to abstain, like you were saying, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. But then for other things, people are sort of like, well, follow the 80-20 rule. And you don't want to, like, say that any food is off the table. And I'm like, you know what, for me, it's just easier to have

nut. Like, I have a tremendous, tremendous sweet tooth. I find it really distracting and boring to deal with it. If I just never have sugar, I just never think about it and it just goes away. And I just find that, to me, is a much more pleasant way to live. And I found that to be true of a lot of people, but then moderators feel very different about it. But to your larger point, about do these things change over time? I definitely think with time and experience, like what you say with the nuance, I think we do understand more of how other people might see the world. I also think that maybe things that were once strongly tempting are less tempting. And so maybe it's easier to be a moderator because you don't have that tremendous feeling

of just wanting more, more, more, more, more, more, which is what for abstainers is often very exhausting to, like, deal with that more, more, more, more feeling. Yeah. If you feel like, that's okay, I think over time maybe that also kicks in. But you're exactly right. We all would hope that time and experience would teach us to have a larger view. The phrase that's always resonated with me is that there is a beautiful clarity to zero. Yes.

You know, like it's just not a lot to figure out there, right? Whereas to your point, when it's when it is like, well, you know, okay, I'm only going to do that on special occasions. Well, what's a special occasion? And, you know, all of a sudden it's like, well, you know, Sam got a B plus on his paper at school. It's a special occasion. Right. like it. Right. I will say this. If you're a person where you're like, basically I want to be an abstainer, but like I'm one of these super low carb people. Like I really don't eat carbs, except for like

vegetables and nuts. And most people don't want to be abstainers the way I am an abstainer. And a way that you can be an abstainer most of the time and like manage it, I think like the special occasion when you're talking about, okay, Bobby got a B plus, that's kind of an ad hoc loophole. You're, okay, lack of control or, you know, um, moral licensing or however you want to do it, whatever kind of loophole you're invoking, you're kind of invoking it on the spot. So if you're like, I want to abstain, but not all the time, how do I manage that, you can do planned exceptions. How you do a planned exception, you think about it in advance, you decide in advance how you're going to behave, you do it in the

moment, and you look back on it with pleasure. That's how a planned exception work. So a planned exception is like, I'm going to Paris with my husband for my anniversary. On our anniversary night, we're going to go to this amazing restaurant, we're going to have like their most glorious dessert. I can't wait. I do it in the moment. I look back and I'm like, that was a wonderful moment. But that doesn't mean like now I'm like doing that all the time because I planned it. And so that's when we feel like we're staying in control of ourselves. Because what happens a lot of times is people are like, oh, I'm walking into my favorite diner. Oh, they have the best tiramese two in the world. Oh my gosh. It's like two for one night. How can I not take advantage of

this? Like life's too short not to eat a piece of tiramist soup. And then you feel bad later because you're like, I really didn't want that. I've had that a thousand times. It's really. really not that good. But just in the moment, I convince myself I don't look back on it with pleasure. So the planned exception, the way that you know that it's a planned exception is that you're like, I feel good about it because I'm basically, I'm creating the life I want. You know, what we do. Most days matters more than what we do once in a while. And if most days, you're abstaining if that's what works for you. Again, this doesn't work for everybody, but it works, you know, for some people, then you can feel good about it. And you also want to say, like, it's a holiday.

day. This isn't like the holiday season is my planned exception, which is like six weeks. It's like, you know, Thanksgiving dinner. And like, what does that look like? It's like, I'm going to basically do it, but I'm going to have, you know, one piece of pie or whatever. To me, it's not Thanksgiving if I don't eat pumpkin pie, so I'm going to have a piece of pumpkin pie and I can't wait and I'll do it and I'll look back on it with pleasure. It doesn't extend for more than a month. Yeah. There's that idea of just clarity. Yes. On what it is.

With coaching clients in the past, I've said, like, okay, you're getting ready to go on vacation. So let's talk about vacation. Don't just roll into vacation with the assumption that you're going to keep the habits that you have at home. Because it's very possible you're simply not going to. It will be much better for your long-term adherence to these habits for you to decide ahead of time, either A, I'm going to, B,

I'm not going to or see I'm going to make some amendments. Yeah. And decide that ahead of time. Yes. Then to roll yourself into a situation that's beyond your capacity to handle and decide in that moment that you're going to go against what you said you were going to do. Right. The proactive approach is way better. And so I think it is thinking ahead and clarity.

And I think that phrase planned exception is a good word for it. Yeah. Or good phrase. Yeah. No, it's the strategy of safeguards. It's like thinking like, yeah. in the cold moment of today, how am I going to behave in like the excitement of like whatever I have coming up? Absolutely. It makes a huge difference. Yeah, I heard somebody say something recently that

really resonated with me and it was don't plan to do something from your highest moment of energy for when you're going to be in a lower moment of energy. Yeah, that's great advice. It's sort of the don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry thing, right? So don't take your like, you've got 10 minutes a day where you're like peak energy and be like, all right, I'm going to apply that to every moment of my life, you know, or don't plan that at 3 p.m. you're going to do something that's really taxing. When you know at 3 p.m., you always feel tired. It's sort of really thinking about almost a future self, like what is myself going to be like in that moment? I need to take that into account instead of assuming that how I feel as I'm planning is the me that's going to keep showing up.

One of the things I do to accomplish that is I think about treating myself like a toddler. I'm like, look, you don't take risks with a toddler. You don't let a toddler stay up too late, day after day. You don't let a toddler get too hot or too cold. You don't let a toddler get too hungry or too thirsty. You make sure that that toddler is in peak form because you will pay. And I'm like, Gretchen is that toddler. And I'm like, I have to get enough sleep. I can't let myself get too hungry. I get so hangary. I can't behave myself. I'm one of these people who get. it's super cold. Like I wear a ridiculous amount of clothing because, you know, I'm like, that's just the realistic thing. And if everything's at its best, and you're thinking like, oh, well, this is going to be the way it is all the time. It's just very unrealistic. You have to plan for what you're going to feel like at those low moments. And then also think about, okay, well, how do I create the circumstances to keep me from getting into that state where I know it's going to be very, very hard to manage myself because I'm exhausted or overwhelmed or hungry or whatever it might be. So I'm going to jump us back to our order inner calm and talk about,

there's six steps that you talk about, make choices, create order, maybe it's five steps. Make choices, create order, know yourself and others, cultivate helpful habits, and add beauty. I want to talk about the first one for a moment, which is make choices. And first, I'll let you say what you mean by make choices, and then I have an actual specific question in that area. Well, this is one of the things that's hard about clearing clutters. You have to make choices. You have to think, like, well, do I need both these bowls or just one of these bowls? And like, do I wear all three of these sweaters or just one of these sweaters? And are we ever going to use this tennis racket again?

You really have to decide what you're going to do with things. And this can be very hard. A lot of times, like, paper clutter, the decision-making around paper clutter can be very overwhelming. But it's really an essential part. And I think a lot of reason, one of the big reasons we accumulate clutter is that it's like, especially if you live in a place where you can just like throw it in the basement, you're like, it's just easier to keep. it than to make the decision of like, do I need to keep this or how long should I keep this? And so you're just like, I'll just keep it. And then it mounts up. And then you've got like a whole big bunch of stuff to deal with. And then that feels like, well, what am I going to do with

this big bunch of stuff? So you just let it get bigger. So it's making choices. There is an emotional labor element. A hundred percent. I had a coaching client at one point. And, you know, her thing was like, I need to really clean out my space and get organized. And, you know, At first it was just like, all right, well, we're going to break it down into little steps and we're going to, blah, blah, normal run-of-the-mill stuff, right? But very quickly realized was that for her, getting rid of nearly anything was like existential dread. Yeah. And so there was this emotional element to it.

I mean, there's the old Marie Kondo question of, does this thing spark joy in you, which I think you've had a different phrasing than that? And that's not a phrasing that really works for me. Right. But what are some ways of thinking about making. those choices. And what do people do if they find, like, it's just really hard for them to let go of anything? Well, I think that the first thing to do is to recognize that this is a very natural human inclination. I think sometimes people are like, embrace minimalism, get rid of everything, like you'll be happier with less stuff. And that's just not the common experience of mankind

in my observation. And so I think it's to recognize that we do feel an emotional attachment to our possessions. They remind us of the people and activities and places that we love. They allow us to project our identity into our environment. And so they're very precious to us. So when I'm talking to people who have that very intense emotional reaction, one is to say, like, if it's to hold on to memories, which often it is, your possessions will actually serve you better in that kind of memory-provoking purpose if they're few and they're curated.

So if you have three boxes of all your kids' schoolwork from, you know, kindergarten through fifth grade, you're never going to go through it because it's too much stuff and it's all basically the same. But if you pick a few items and maybe you frame one piece of art, and put it on the wall where you see it, and you create like a thin folder of the best stuff, the most representative stuff. You can really manage that and enjoy that as a memento.

So you're really crystallizing the memory in a few kind of iconic things. And so they're going to do that work for you better when there's fewer of them and they're highly curated. So for people who are like, I need to hold on to memories. You're like, yes, you can pick a few very representative things. And then maybe you take a picture of a lot of the other things.

So you can still get that memory prompt if you want, but you don't need this stuff. Yeah. Another thing that many people feel like is all these things are precious to me because they belong to someone who is precious to me. So how can I get rid of any of it? Because it's like getting rid of the person who I love. You don't need any of that stuff to remember that person. But you would like to have something to remember that person. Okay. So what are you going to choose? And I went through this when my grandfather died. I was like, okay, I could pick his armchair that he loved to sit in. I could pick the grandfather clock that he loved. I could pick his desk that I love to sit at that he used every day. Or I can pick his pocket watch because he was. was an engineer on the Union Pacific Railroad. So the pocket watch was a very big deal. Well, I picked the pocket watch because I can put a pocket watch on the shelf where it's like, what do I do with the armchair on the desk and or the grandfather clock? I don't want those big things. But are the one thing and that's enough because that holds all that memory in it. And so again, it's like,

well, you have all this stuff. Can you pick a few things that are like the most representative, the most rich in emotions and then let go of all the other things. And remember, those things can go and live a long and happy life with somebody who will actually use. them because if you're not using them, they're just sitting there wasted. Let them out into the world to do their work because you have the thing that's going to help you. I think a lot of times people, when they have this emotion, the people around them are like, no, no, no, no, no, that doesn't count. And then they feel like they have to hang on all the tighter. Whereas if you say, like, oh, this is completely understandable, so much respect for that feeling, how do we work with

that and really help you engage in that way? Because a lot of times when you have fewer things, you really do engage with them more because they're just like, see them and, like, interact with them so much more easily than when you're overwhelmed by them. So I think sometimes it takes like a couple rounds, but I have found that often that going through this, people are able to go like, well, I can go from 50 to 10. I can go from 10 to 5. I can go to 5 to 3. Yeah. And they're not going to go below 3 maybe. Yeah.

But that's okay. Three's manageable. Yeah. Well, that point's a really good one. it's sort of the possessions version of the old business cliche, if everything's a priority, nothing's a priority, right? 100%. That's a perfect analogy. If 50 things are a priority, in essence, none of them are.

You just get lost in the noise. Absolutely. And so same thing. As you were saying that, I was just thinking about like a lot of memory things that I have there just I need to probably go through and parse those things. Luckily, we have made ourselves sort of stay in a small, relatively small two-bedroom apartment for the last number of years, which it's the time of the year, December, necessitates a December purging, you know? And so it has really kept me fairly disciplined because I'm like, I do not want to

crack the door on a storage unit. I do not want to crack the door on a storage unit, right? Like, when I had a house before this, it was exactly like you described. I had enough space to be like, well, just, I don't know. I don't know if we want it. I don't know what we're going to do with it. Put it down there. And because it's hard to decide. And then, And it grows and grows and it just becomes like, let me just never go down there if I don't, if I don't have to because it's so overwhelming. But this two bedroom has enforced a certain discipline that has actually been really good. Well, it's interesting because I had not thought of this. It's kind of a version of what you're talking about.

A couple people have told me how they will use an artificial space constraint as a way to manage this because it's sort of like, even if you have like two giant boxes, okay, let's say like my children have what they call their memorandum boxes, which I. I don't know what they call them that, but it's like you can fill your memorandum box, but everything has to fit in there. So if you want to put more in, something has to come out. So it's constantly having to use the priority. Same thing. If you've got this apartment, it's like if it doesn't fit in the apartment, something's got to go. You either can't bring it in or something's got to like make room for it.

And so some people do this like with Christmas decorations. It's like I have so many boxes for Christmas decorations. And if something comes in, something has to go because I'm not going to start another box. Or I'm only going to keep what I can store on this top shelf of a clause. it. And if it doesn't fit, something's got to go. So sometimes there are ways you can do it through space constraints as well. There was another idea. The third step is to sort of know yourself and others. So we're talking about a little of this, right, knowing what is important to you. But there was an idea that, you know, are you clinging to an outdated identity? So we don't want to relinquish

an identity. So we cling to those possessions. So a little bit more about that. Well, I've got a ukulele. So, you know, like, I was like, I'm going to learn to play the ukulele. And it's, everybody says how fun it is and how easy it is and they're so cheerful. And it's like, yeah, I'm not going to learn how to play the ukulele. I started, it's like, it might be easier than learning to play the guitar, but it's not like that easy. And do I still have that ukulele? Yes, I do. Because it's this fantasy self that I had that like of myself, like, picking up an instrument. No, I'm not going to. That is the fantasy self. Or I almost bought a set of like, linen cocktail napkins on sale because I was like, oh, they're so fun and they're so beautiful.

But then I'm like, who am I kidding? You know, I narrowly escaped buying this because I'm totally not the kind of person who would use linen. I don't even know how to use linen cocktail napkins practically. So sometimes it's the fantasy self. So it can be hard to look of those things because it's letting go of the fantasy. The fantasy of myself is playing the ukulele. Or it can also be the fantasy of someone you once were, like the friend of mine who had like so many tennis rackets and they took up so much space and she never really used them. But because she had played tennis in college, it was a really important past identity for her. And so she had to acknowledge that her identity had moved forward and she was no longer the kind of person who needed so many tennis

records. And so sometimes it's the fantasy self in the future or maybe we're sort of mourning the loss of a self that we were in the past. And this can be very painful. And so sometimes I think we hang on to those objects because we still want to hang on to the idea that maybe one day will be the kind of person who'll learn to play the ukulele. And it's like, that doesn't seem likely. And if it did happen, I could get another ukulele, but it doesn't seem very likely. It's funny that you brought up those two examples because just yesterday, I was opening up the trunk of my car and I saw two tennis rackets. And it's probably been three years now, I would guess. My partner, Jenny and I decided largely at my prompting that learning to play tennis together would be a good idea. I have joked on the show

before and she knows I joke about it that the fact that our first tennis lesson ended with her in tears was an indication that this was not a hobby that was going to stick. But those tennis rackets are still there. And it's interesting because what I came to yesterday was I'm not giving up on wanting to learn to play tennis. However, there is no reason to keep carting these rackets around. It's not like they are $5,000 rackets, right? Like they're crappy rackets. Go buy a new one if you do take it up. Because still, it's on my list of things that you carry from year to year, but you're not ready to abandon. Tennis is on mine. Maybe you play pickleball as a couple, because it seems like pickleball is the thing that people do. And then if you're interested in tennis,

you take tennis lessons on your own. Tennis is definitely, if it's going to happen, it's going to be me. I've accepted that. But I would love to play pickleball either with or without her. Sony, that you brought up tennis because literally just yesterday, I had this exact conversation. And I looked at them and as I was walking up the stairs, I was like, all right, I'm not ready to give up on this yet. I still think it's a good hobby for me. Right. And I don't need to keep these tennis rackets in my trunk forever because they're just taking up space and I'm not using them now. And that's a perfect example of kind of like the evolving self and how the possessions can kind of like prompt you to new realizations.

Because like looking at them, you sort of went through the thing being like, you know what, this isn't going to be something that we're going to do together. It's something that I'm going to do on my own. And that's okay. But it would still be fun to do something together. Maybe we'll try pickleball. And the kind of the tennis rackets, sort of the catalyst of that realization. But if you just ignored them and drove them around for three years, you might not be prompted to move forward and to realize like, oh, well, maybe 23 is the time when I'm going to take

the tennis lessons or you're sort of alerted to it. So in some ways our possessions can help us to realize this kind of the evolving self, but we have to pay attention and not just let all this stuff blend into the wallpaper so that we're weighted down by all these things and we're not seeing how to take the lessons that they carry forward with us. Yeah, we're near the end of time, but I wanted to maybe end on a question that I think is a really great question, whether we're talking about possessions or really anything else. And it is, you say, when trying to make a tough choice, challenge yourself, choose the bigger life. Say a little bit more about that because I think that is such a great, great question.

I think I've got slightly different versions of it. But talk about that because I think that's a great place for us to wrap up. Well, the way that I came to this was, I don't know about you, but I will often have a situation where it's like the pros and cons of making a decision seem perfectly balanced. And I've talked to people where it's like, should we move to the big city with more opportunities or should we stay in our town where we have family to support us? It's like, that's an apple and an orange. And you could do the pros and the cons over and over.

And sometimes when you say, we'll choose the bigger life, it's instantly clear which one is the bigger. life in a way that is not clear when you're doing the pros and cons. And the fact is, people would have different decisions about what the bigger life is. So for instance, in my family, my daughters really, really wanted to get a dog. My husband was like, yeah, we can get a dog if everybody wants to. He wasn't like really weighing in. And I really did not want to get a dog. I didn't want the hassle, basically. So it was like the pros and the cons and the this and then that and all these arguments. And then I was like, well, choose the bigger life. And in a second, I knew that the bigger life for our family was to get a dog. Yes. And we got a dog and we love her dog and it's absolutely

the bigger life and it's absolutely the right choice. But I can imagine that for somebody else, they could be like, well, choose the bigger life for me, at least at this stage, it's like, it's a lot of money that I don't have. I really am valuing my freedom. And if I have a dog, I'm going to have to like worry about like what's going to happen to the dog when I'm not at home. I feel like it's a lot of responsibility and I'm in a place where like, I feel like I'm barely hanging on. I don't want to take responsibility for something else. I mean, so for them, thing might be like, choose the bigger life because the bigger life for me is like not having this responsibility, you know, a dog is a big responsibility. But the choose the bigger life kind of

instantly, I think, sheds a completely different light on something that might feel like a decision that feels impossible. And different people answer it from their own perspectives. I cannot say for everyone, my choice is the bigger life because people would bring their own values, situations, circumstances to that. Yeah, it's funny because Ginny and I have two dogs. One of them is probably about to pass. I said, you know, my inclination is to just get another dog. I love dogs. But we started talking about like, but we've been talking about for a number of years now. Her mom just passed from Alzheimer's and my mom, we're going to get relocated to where my sister is probably. because we've been like, we want to go spend six months here, six months there, six months there.

Like, I have the freedom to do it and, you know, have been wanting to do it, but things have stood in the way. And so for us, the bigger life in that particular question was, I don't think a dog's the right idea right now. Like, we've got one. She travels well. Right. But the bigger life for us is six months in Lisbon, six months in Santa Fe today. Right. But in three years, that may be a radically different formulation on the exact same.

same question. Exactly. And I think that's a really helpful thing to remember. It's like, this is a particular season of life. And sometimes things are not suited to a particular season of life, but that doesn't mean that you've been making this decision for always. And, you know, certain things come into the foreground and certain things go into the background as we go through. But right, you're like, look, I have to quarantine a dog. I mean, I got to air travel a dog. Like, that's a lot. And it would be a lot for the dog, too. So that's a perfect example of how, Even someone who loves dogs might think like, not right now. Before you check out, pick one insight from today and ask,

how will I practice this before bedtime? Need help turning ideas into action? My free weekly bites of wisdom email lands every Wednesday with simple practices, reflection, and links to former guests who can guide you, even on the tough stuff like anxiety, purpose, and habit change. Feed your good wolf at one you feed.net slash newsletter. Again, one you feed.net slash newsletter. I do want another dog.

There's no doubt about it. Okay, you've got a dog in your future. I've got a dog in my future. Yes, I do, absolutely. What kind of dog do you have? I have a cockapoo named Barnaby. Oh, Barnaby. I assume it's a he since it's a he.

It is a he. It's a he. Sounds delightful. What kind of dogs do you have? We have a Boston Terrier named Beans, and she's the one who is, I mean, I actually thought, like, first week of December, it's time for her. And the minute I make that decision, she stages a mini rally. I'm like, oh, for crying out loud.

And the other is a sort of a fox terrier slash chihuahua little girl named Lola, who is just such a sweet dog. So she's the kind of dog you can absolutely travel with. So small. She's small and she's just so well behaved and so chill. And so, yeah, those are our dogs. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Well, Gretchen, thank you so much for coming on. It's always a pleasure to talk to you. and we'll have links in the show notes to where people can find your different things. Certainly your podcast. We've talked about it a couple times. It's a wonderful show. So listeners, I would highly encourage you to check that out. And thank you, Gretchen.

Thank you. Always such a pleasure to talk to you. We're interested in all the same things. I feel like we can talk all day. We could. Thanks so much. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought-provoking,

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