The One You Feed - How to Make Lasting Changes in Your Life with John Norcross
Episode Date: January 13, 2023In this episode you'll learn: Why motivation and will power are overrated when trying to make lasting changes Why you must understand the 5 stages behavior change and match your activity to the prope...r stage How slips up are inevitable and are perfect opportunities to learn How to use conflicting energy sources -the pushing away from unwanted behavior and pulling toward a desired behavior Why self monitoring and tracking progress increases your chances of success To learn more about John Norcross and his interesting work, click here!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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In case you're just recently joining us, or however long you've been a listener of the show,
you may not realize we have years and years of incredible episodes in our archive.
We've had so many wonderful guests that we've decided to handpick one of our favorites that
may be new to you, but if not, it is definitely worth another listen. We hope you'll enjoy this
episode with John Norcross. You know, motivation and willpower obviously are important in getting started. One
has to be aware of a goal and be committed to it. But once you reach that point, willpower is
seriously overrated. Welcome to The One You Feed.
Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have.
Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true.
And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us.
We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear.
We see what we don't have instead of what we do.
We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit.
But it's not just about thinking.
Our actions matter.
It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living.
This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction.
How they feed their good
wolf. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast
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Our guest this week is Dr. John Norcross,
who is an internationally recognized expert on behavior change.
He is distinguished professor of psychology
at the University of Scranton
and a board-certified psychologist.
He is author of the acclaimed self-help book Changeology
and has authored over 400 publications and has co-written and edited 22 books,
principally in the areas of psychotherapy, clinical psychology, professional training,
and self-change. I was particularly interested to talk to him because he is one of the researchers who's
been involved in how to change our behavior for a long time and is really regarded as
a true expert in this field.
So here is our interview with Dr. John Norcross.
Hi, John.
Welcome to the show.
Thank you, Eric.
My pleasure to join you.
I am really excited to have you on.
We're going to discuss your book,
which is called Changeology, Five Steps to Realizing Your Goals and Resolutions. And
it's really good. And it's right in the sweet spot of what we talk about on the show and a lot
of the work that I do with my coaching clients. But before we get into that, let's start like
we always do with the parable. There's a grandfather who's talking with his grandson. He says, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle.
One is a good one, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a
bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops and thinks
about it for a second. And he looks up at his grandfather and says, well, grandfather, which one wins?
And the grandfather says, the one you feed.
So I'd like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.
Well, that parable means many things to me, but three or four immediately jump out.
First, that humans are invariably composed of this multitude of conflicting parts,
good and bad, love and hate, extrovert and introvert. In psychology, it could be it and
superego or top dog and underdog and other classic polarities. Second, the parable means that we sow
what we reap. Be careful which parts of us we nourish and promote.
That's the self or wolf that will eventually predominate.
Third, I also like the parable because it demonstrates that it is largely within our
powers to determine which self or wolf, if you will, we become.
And finally, as a relatively new grandparent, I adore the transfer
of wisdom across the generations, grandparent to grandchild. Now that's a wolf we should all feed.
Amen to that and congratulations.
Thank you.
All right. So let's jump into your book. And I want to start with a really important point.
And I'm just going to read something you wrote. You say, one of the colossal mistakes people make when trying to change is overestimating the value of motivation while underestimating
learnable skills. And what I love about that is that people tend to think that they're just not
able to change, or they're a certain type of person. Or I think one of the things I've really
learned is that, yes, change is possible if you know how to do it.
So talk a little bit about that for me, please.
I would love to.
I like to scream it from the rooftops.
There's the science of behavior change
and we can harness the power of that
in order to help people change both minor habits and major life transformations.
You know, motivation and willpower obviously are important in getting started. One has to be aware
of a goal and be committed to it. But once you reach that point, willpower is seriously overrated.
And in fact, in one of our studies, people who almost exclusively use willpower failed at twice the rate of everyone else because it's exactly at that point that you need skills.
Do this.
Do that.
Watch that.
Make sure you do this rather than the rah, rah, rah.
So we call this the willpower myth.
People believe the willpower is the end all and beat all. And in fact, as you know, and virtually all coaches
and psychotherapists know, willpower is necessary early on, but actually hurts later in the change
process. Yeah, exactly. And I think that's so important. And again, I think the message there I think is
critical is you can learn how to make changes. If you failed in the past at changing things,
that doesn't mean that you're going to fail again if you have different skills.
That's exactly the case. And that's the secret of our 40 years of research into how people do
change by themselves. It's this stage matching, doing the right thing at the right time.
Yes. And so let's go into that. You have been part of some of the seminal research on how we
change behavior and something that I have done a lot of study on myself. And you guys identified
five distinct stages of behavior change. And in your book, you modify them a little bit. So I want
to stick with your book and have you tell us what are the five steps in your book of change?
The first stage is the psych stage. That's getting motivated, aroused, eager. The second stage is
then the prep, short for preparation, taking those little baby steps and moving forward.
Third is the perspire stage in which you jump into action, modifying your behavior and the environment to pursue the goal.
But we know it doesn't stop there.
The fourth stage is persevere, that you keep going.
And fifth and last is the maintenance or what we prefer to call the persist stage.
So it's psych, prep, perspire, persevere, and persist.
Yeah.
So when people ask me how to change, I say, well, I know you're eager to hear the how to do it.
But the key to successful behavior change is when you do what.
Right. And you call that step matching, where the activities that you do match the stage that you're in. And that you also refer to step mismatching, where you're doing
activities or things that don't align with the stage that you're in. And that when you're matched,
you're doing well. And when you're matched, you're doing well
and when you're not, you're failing or you're more likely to fail. And you've already introduced one
of those, the excessive use of willpower and arousing emotions once you get into the action
or perspire stage. That actually sends you backwards. You're sabotaging yourself. Once you're in that action
or perspire stage, one needs to go to the skills. Now, conversely, when you begin, it's too early
for the skills because you're not there yet. You do need to track your progress, to commit,
to raise your awareness, to arouse your emotions, to get to the starting line, so to speak.
So it really is doing the right thing at the right time.
Where once you get into perspire, persevere, and persist, in what way does willpower or
sort of reflecting on your commitment or your why, right?
How does that get us into trouble?
Well, if it's the occasional reminder, it proves helpful.
But instead of using skills, people just try to rah, rah, rah themselves.
To take a recent example, a patient returned to me who had largely conquered his addiction
for 15 years.
And as he began experiencing cravings again after the loss of his long-term spouse,
he just tried to keep saying, I can do it. I can do it like the little engine.
I had to patiently remind him it was the skills that were necessary. He needed to reward himself.
He needed to catch his thinking that he's been abstinent for 15 years. He needed to learn how to deal with the cravings,
not as a slogan, but as a series of skills. He needed to rearrange his environment. He needed
to reach out to his support system. They are all skills, as you said, Eric, that any of us can
learn. So it's do this, do that when you're in the perspire, not I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
Yep, that's great.
And so I think one of the things that's important here is most of us, when we think of change, we think of the perspire stage, right?
Which is if I want to start an exercise routine, I just start running tomorrow, right?
tomorrow, right? That's where our mindset is. We don't think about the two stages before or the stages after about how you keep going. And I mentioned the coaching work that I do,
and I used to work with people much more short term, but I realized over time that we would be
in the perspire stage, stop working together, and they would not have the skills to keep it going,
what you call persevere and persist. That's exactly the case. Particularly Americans conflate the entirety of the change process
with beginning at that perspire or action stage. But as most of us know, you have to get up and
ready for action. And that means identifying goals, tracking your progress, taking the baby steps, committing.
I might add, Eric, and since you have lots of experience traveling, that in other parts
of the world, particularly Europe, there is far better respect for the early steps or
stages that prepare you and get you motivated.
We Americans seem to think change means changing your behavior
tomorrow. Right, right, exactly. And so one of the things that's really interesting about your
research is that the idea of going through these steps in order is so important. You say each step
that you take nearly doubles the probability of your long-term success.
So I think what you're saying is people who do psych and get through that into prep, they've doubled their chance.
And each time you successfully complete a step, you're doing the same thing.
Exactly so.
And that's what makes it such a powerful key to guiding successful behavior change.
We also find that in all kinds of studies.
As you know, Eric, there's been well over 1,000 studies using this stages of change
model in everything imaginable from addictions to depression to spousal abuse to eating disorders
and the like.
Each step one masters, you move up the probability
of success. And if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If you were to say,
bake an apple pie, well, you couldn't just sit there at the stove and say, well, now I'm going
to bake. You know you would have to buy the ingredients. You would have to carve out some
time. You'd have to turn on the oven. You'd have to make the pie.
In virtually all complex human activities, there's a sequence, a matter of stages to
get there successfully. I'm Jason Alexander.
And I'm Peter Tilden.
And together on the Really No Really podcast,
our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like
why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor.
We got the answer.
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welcome to Really No Really, sir.
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So, the other thing that you talk about that is important is you talk about preparing to follow the program for 90 days.
You say research indicates that 75% of people who maintain a goal for a week gradually slip back,
but research shows that almost all the people who maintain a new behavior for three months
make the change permanent. I wish it were shorter, and my publisher wished it were shorter,
because then we could make outrageous claims.
The five steps in five days, right?
Well, why not?
Exactly. about 90 days to traverse all these stages and to get to the place that it becomes an ingrained
permanent lifestyle rather than a temporary run. As we frequently say, behavior change is not the
100-yard dash. It is indeed a marathon. You need to concretely build in the new behavior,
resist temptations, and then maintain it over time. And I'm sorry, folks,
it really is 90 days. Yep. But I mean, that's pretty good news. 90 days is three months. I
mean, that is not, it's not the 21 days a lot of us keep hearing, you know, about habit change,
but it's also not forever. And there are very clear things that you do in each of these stages.
And there's very clear things that you do as we get into persevere or persist or maintenance that make it more likely we're going to get there. But before we do that, I want to talk about the contemplation stage or the psych stage, because you talk a lot about people who get stuck there, that this is a place we often
get stuck.
Indeed.
We call it chronic contemplation.
You're aware of what you want to achieve and where you want to arrive, but you're simply
not ready yet.
And to the extent that we're all anxious about behavior change, we all struggle, the more
difficult it
is to get out of the contemplation stage and into preparation and action. In fact, that's where most
people get stuck. And it may be because, as you mentioned earlier, they have failed before. They
have lacked the experience and skills to know what to do at the right time. As a result, they may be
demoralized. They may be feeding themselves
self-defeating thoughts like it'll never happen, or they may have unrealistic expectations about
the ease. Our research shows that virtually all big behavioral changes, it is going to take a
couple of times in order to make it. If you try to change a behavior, reach a goal, and you don't succeed
the first time, that pretty much means you're human rather than you can't change.
Right, right. And I was going to come to this at a later point in the conversation,
but it's so important that we might as well hit it because we're kind of there right now,
which is, it is a process of, you slipping learning from the mistake and trying again right
we are inevitably not going to be perfect at what we do there are going to be slips and knowing that
that's the case is so important and one of the things that i find is so important is if you know
that then you can just learn from it like like you say, without all the emotional baggage that comes
because what ends up happening for a lot of us is we slip and then we start telling ourselves how we
can't do it. And all this baggage and emotional stuff comes up that really blocks the learning
process of learning. Okay, well, what happened there? All right, let me tweak this. Let me do
this a little bit differently. Exactly so. And that's part of those unrealistic expectations.
The single slip suddenly transforms into the permanent fall. Demoralization and resignation
results, just as you said, and people don't try it again. By contrast, once people realize a slip is a natural occurrence and it need not
derail your entire process, people keep going on without that guilt and embarrassment.
In fact, in one of our New Year's resolution studies, the people who were eventually successful
in their resolutions told us that their first slip actually strengthened their resolution.
In fact, it was over three-quarters of them. They said, that woke me up. It made me recommit,
redo the skills. This is just, as I said earlier, a natural part of learning.
By the way, Eric, we would never, ever think a single slip would be a fall in any other activity.
Imagine trying to play the piano and failing once or twice on a particular piece and giving up.
Or how about math problems or hitting a tennis backhand?
If we all gave up after a single slip, no one would be growing and developing at all.
Right.
But when it comes to behavior change,
we have these outrageous expectations of ourselves. Yeah, I totally agree. The other
thing that you mentioned is that the number of slips does not predict whether or not you will
eventually reach your goal. And I think that's so important because it does take time. I often
talk to people, I'm a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. And so that space is a place I've been in for a long time.
And I often think about recovery for most people that I see is sort of what we're describing
here.
It's like I come in, I start doing something that didn't quite work.
So I come back, I start doing a few things, I get maybe a little bit more time and then
it didn't work.
And it's this process of just sort of learning what works for me.
Like you said, my experience is people who have slipped a bunch or relapsed a bunch.
It's not an indicator that they can't do it.
It's not an indicator of long-term sobriety not being possible.
It's a learning process.
Exactly so.
And it's also trial and error learning about what to do when.
Right.
That is, and that's the key to that stage matching. So many people creatively adapt
change techniques. Every week I'm impressed by my patients and my students, but unfortunately,
they don't understand the big picture, the forest from the tree, so to speak.
So they come up with brilliant ways of motivating themselves and getting emotional.
They don't realize they're doing it at the wrong time.
So my professional coaching is just to have them do the right thing at the right time.
And that's when the magic occurs.
Yep, exactly.
And that's when the magic occurs.
Yep, exactly.
And so I want to talk about another idea here, which is really around sort of looking at our motivation or our goals.
And you talk about using two energy sources when we're looking at it.
You talk about being pushed and pulled.
And so it's really, on one hand, we're looking at the negative consequences of what has happened
to us.
Some people focus exclusively on that.
And then you also talk about the positive consequences or positive things that might
happen.
And a lot of people really focus on that.
But you really encourage people to use both of those things.
And you call them energy sources.
And obviously, using two is better than one.
That's exactly right. We sometimes refer to this as Dr. Doolittle's two-headed push-pull llama,
because we know two heads or two energy sources are better than one. So on the one hand, or the
one head, if you'll pardon the pun, you're pushed away from the problem because you can't stand it any longer. So you are pushed by your
disgust. On the other hand or head, you're pulled toward change and a new behavior. So it is a push
pull. And our research indicates that using both sources of energy are better than either alone.
And I'm sure you've seen this many times in your own practice, Eric.
We see people sort of like Calvinists who say, I'm just going to be disgusted by how I've already
acted and that will get me there. I also see some other people, let's call them the California
surfers, who say, no, man, I don't want to get into that negative head trip. I'm just going to
see the world is full of fluffy clouds and I'm moving toward my ideal dream. I'm going to have
a dream board. I'm going to have slogans. And I say, well, why would we not use both potential
sources? Let's be pushed and repulsed by what we don't like while we're simultaneously drawn to that
better ideal future.
Yeah, I think that's said so well.
And I was being interviewed on a podcast several days ago, and people were asking me about
the concept of a bottom.
How important is hitting a bottom, right?
And I said, well, you know, there's a lot of things I could say about that.
But what I would say is that that's not sufficient, right?
What worked for me was when a series of negative consequences came together with hope of a
different future and then the right support, when those three things sort of came together,
that was the sort of fertile ground that my sobriety or change came out of.
And this is kind of really what we're talking about here.
It's the negative consequences, but it's also the hope.
It's the vision of what might be.
And in my experience, if those both aren't there in some measure, the change isn't going
to last.
Yes.
So the delicate balance is how to get both of them.
So the delicate balance is how to get both of them.
So we suggest that every time you reflect on your problem or your goal, develop that habit of considering both the nasty present and the wonderful future after you change.
You can train yourself to reflect on both and to be propelled by both.
And obviously, that doubles the energy and noticeably increases
the success. Yeah, I am right on 100% there with you. So I want to talk about the importance of
a change team or a support team or having people in your corner. Talk about how important this is.
Well, it's incredibly important,
particularly in the long run. So here's the fascinating thing about the social support.
Sometimes we call them the Delta team, Delta meaning change or your change team.
Social support is not particularly helpful in the short run. It appears that virtually all of us can get started
without social support and even in the presence of some negative or nagging people in our lives.
But our research and that of others shows very quickly, usually within two weeks to a month,
the absence of the helping relationships predicts who will fail.
So you might get started and go it alone, but no man is an island a month into their
change attempt.
That's when you need people to guide you, to support you, to remind you of your successes,
perhaps to do some of the change with you.
They're a wonderful asset.
perhaps to do some of the change with you. They're a wonderful asset. And even though they may not be particularly helpful early on, we like everyone to have created their
go team early in the change process to see them through the later stages.
It's one of the things that's recommended to do in the prep phase.
Well, it starts in the prep stage. So they're with you through the perspire,
the persist, and the persevere. Each stage requires something a little different from your
helping team, as you can imagine. Early on, it's more motivation and goal setting. Once you get
started, they can share some of their experiences, their techniques, remind you that
you're doing well. And then once you're in that persevere, they're going to remind you how well
you've done. They may be the people you contact when you're experiencing cravings or when you're
tempted to give it all up. So their task will also evolve across the steps or stages.
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We got the answer.
Will space junk block your cell signal?
The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer.
We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you.
And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.
Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts?
His stuntman reveals the answer.
And you never know who's going to drop by.
Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today.
How are you, too?
Hello, my friend.
Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park.
Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir.
Bless you all.
Hello, Newman.
And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging.
Really?
That's the opening?
Really, No Really.
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a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called really no
really and you can find it on the I heart radio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your
podcasts. One of the strategies that is used in the action phase or the perspire phase is countering. And I'd like
to talk a little bit more about countering. Countering is essentially, right, putting in
a positive behavior in place of the negative behavior. But you talk about some different
countering methods, and I think it's really useful to think through what some of these are.
So can we talk through some of the most common countering methods? You bet. So countering, short for the long jargon of counter conditioning,
is doing the healthy opposite. And for virtually every problem and goal, there is a healthy
opposite. So let's say one is battling anxiety. What's the healthy opposite of that?
Well, it's relaxation.
But it's not enough just simply to know the opposite.
You have to develop and practice the skills.
Otherwise, as Sigmund Freud once observed, it's like showing a starving person a menu
and not giving them any food.
So for the anxious person, we would teach relaxation,
biofeedback, mindfulness. If physical activity also helps soothe your anxiety, then it might
be an exercise program. If you're battling depression, the two major components of that
are social withdrawal and low mood. So for the social withdrawal, there would be behavioral activation,
getting out there, pushing yourself to be regularly involved with other people and
pleasurable activities. To counter your mood, it would be doing some what we call
cognitive restructuring. For people who are avoiding things in their life, then the healthy
opposite or countering technique would be
exposing themselves intentionally to them slowly and perhaps in the imagination first and perhaps
with a member of your change or helping team. So for every problem, there's a healthy opposite.
You need to not only identify it, but then to practice those particular skills.
So let's talk about a simple one.
I know that a lot of people that listen to this show, we've gotten a lot of response
in the past when we talk about eating, emotional eating, or people who've sort of identified
like, all right, I'm eating and it's more than just being hungry.
What is one of the counters you would have people use in a point
where they're dealing with that? So for that particular goal, we would identify two sources
of problematic behavior. The first is obviously the overeating itself. And the second is the
residual emotional hunger, what you're trying to address with the hunger. For the eating itself. And the second is the residual emotional hunger, what you're trying to address
with the hunger. For the eating itself, the healthy opposite of overeating is obviously
not eating as much. So that could be having healthier snacks, portion control, going to
the refrigerator, opening it, but refusing to take anything out.
It might be physical activity.
I've discovered it's very difficult to eat when I'm on the treadmill or swimming.
Particularly swimming. My students, in fact, have a funny picture of me doing the side stroke with chocolate cake.
It's very hard to eat while exercising.
So there's lots of those concrete techniques that are the healthy
opposite of overeating. A little more complex is what's the healthy opposite of the emotional
hunger? One would have to discover is that lower self-esteem, boredom, loneliness. Once you
understand what psychological need that is, then you practice the healthy
opposite of that. Yeah, I think that's so, so spot on. You know, my girlfriend has made a lot
of progress over the last six or seven years with this. And she said something that just continues
to ring out for me related to this. And she said, you know, when I thought that all I
wanted was a cupcake, the only solution was a cupcake. But when I realized that there was
something else going on emotionally, like let's just say loneliness, well, there's lots of ways
to solve loneliness, you know, and I think that's kind of what you're getting at here.
Exactly. So in Janine Ross book title, it's feeding the hungry heart,
In Janine Ross' book title, it's Feeding the Hungry Heart.
Find what emotionally the food is doing for you, and then directly do the healthy opposite to satisfy that underlying need.
So there's a lot of different, you call them catalysts, and again, you match the catalyst
to the stage.
But a catalyst that kind of spans multiple stages. One of the ones that does
is tracking your progress. So tell me a little bit about what you mean by tracking your progress. I
think it's kind of obvious, but I'd like you to flesh it out a little bit. And then why is that
so important? Sure thing. Well, psychologists call this self-monitoring. Or, as the famed consultant Peter Drucker likes to say in a management context,
what's measured improves. The simple fact of measuring a behavior focuses our concentration
on it, and as a result, we tend to put more time and thought into it and thus eventually change it.
So, at the very beginning, we like to collect what's called
baseline data. How often are you engaging in the problem behavior or, alternatively,
the goal behavior? By doing so, you redirect your energy to it. Then, as you move through
the steps or stages of change, you begin to notice what causes
or precipitates the problem.
What are the feelings, the time of day, or the people that lead you to overeat, be more
anxious, overspend, under-exercise?
That helps you tailor your treatment plan, so to speak.
your treatment plan, so to speak. Later, as the behavior starts improving markedly,
tracking progress immediately reinforces you about how well you're doing. Well, look at this.
I'm losing weight. I'm smoking fewer cigarettes. I'm doing less emotional overeating. My physical exercise is zooming. And if you continue to track it once into the later steps
or stages, you'll begin to notice, just being human, that we tend to slide a bit. So our activity
level decreases, the sense of urgency decreases, and we may even experience a slip, or as we
psychologists call it, a lapse.
By tracking your behavior, you're going to catch that as well.
What measures improves, friends, throughout the stages of change, track the progress.
There's lots of research that demonstrates this, Eric, including one of my favorite examples,
the weight registry of people who've kept off at least 50 pounds for five or more years. Their number one recommendation to anyone changing behavior is to self-monitor
or track your progress. In this case, track what you're eating and what your exercise habits are.
Exactly so. Yep. It's so important. It's so useful. It's one of the things that I've just done for years now.
You could ask me, did you meditate on December 14th in 2016?
And I could say, well, it's going to take me a few minutes, but I can answer that question because that's one of the things that I track.
I have a friend, a prominent psychologist, Jerry Corey, who's given me
permission to tell this story. He records how much he exercises each week. He has it down on
an Excel spreadsheet. And whenever I speak to him or we exchange emails, he'll tell me exactly how
many hours he worked, never more than 35 or 40 hours a week and exactly how many hours he exercised in the past week.
It's what keeps him going. It motivates him, keeps him right on track.
Yep. Yep. I'm a big fan. The other thing that I have started doing really over the last year
that I found to be interesting is mood tracking. Oh yes.
Right. Like I've got a little app that comes up on my phone
and three or four times a day, it just pops up. It says, how are you feeling? And I go in and rate
it one to 10. And I thought I deal with depression also. And one of the things that happens to me
with depression, when I have a little bout of it is it says, you're always this way. And I love
being able to go, no, no, let's, let's take a look. Like, let's, let's look at the data. And I love being able to go, no, no, let's take a look. Let's look at the data and no,
no, clearly I'm not that way. Or it also helps me sort of see like, how am I doing? And since how
I'm doing is such a subjective thing, in one moment, it's really helpful to see the bigger
picture of it. That's been another tracking that I've started doing that I found to be very helpful. And the same thing with urges to use an addictive or
consumptive substance. People say, I deal with it all the time, doc. You don't know how bad it is.
It's 10 out of 10. When I have them track it, that's almost never the case. There are people
and time and situations in which they experience virtually no urges to
use that substance.
Right, exactly.
And I think that's so useful.
And I really like this.
You kind of went through it pretty quickly there.
But talking about really understanding what your triggers and consequences are.
understanding what your triggers and consequences are?
We encourage self-changers and my psychotherapy patients to become behavioral detectives.
What is triggering this? By the way, here's where the 12-step groups are incredibly effective. They think about people, places, and things. So who are the people around that lead to the problem or the
urge? Where are the places? What are the things? And we include under things, certainly the feelings
and thoughts. Behavior always occurs within this context. There's antecedents or triggers before,
then the behavior, then the consequences. Triggering that antecedent behavior consequence
almost always yields a rich array of solutions to the problem.
Right. Yep. Yep. I love that. Time of day triggers behavior consequences and keeping
track of that is so, so important. So one of the things that you shared with me when we've
talked is some of the things in the book that most resonate with people or that are most important to them. And one of them is dealing with
urges or cravings. So let's spend a minute and talk about that.
There are proven ways to resist the urge, Eric, that most people just haven't thought of.
And in fairness, most laypersons have never received formal training on changing their behavior.
So I'm always encouraging colleagues to please teach, not judge.
Most of our clients have not been exposed to this.
So here are some quick proven ways to resist that urge.
First, take a breather.
A few deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling, slowing down your physical cravings
and your runaway thinking.
Secondly, knock it off.
Challenge your thinking.
When you whine, for example, I need it, just dispute that nonsense and say you're not a
five-year-old without free will.
Next, say, yes, I can.
Remind yourself in no uncertain terms you have resisted successfully many times
before. Next, walk away. Research shows a brisk walk and removing yourself from the tempting
situation certainly reduces urges. We've already talked about doing the healthy opposite, countering.
Talk yourself down, asking that change team to talk you down. Distraction works for lots of people. Immediately reward yourself. Rewards work when you're confronted with a craving. Reward yourself for keeping on track.
yourself. You have to understand the emotional reasons for the old behavior in the first place.
So remind yourself of the reason for your goal, remembering to use both sides or both energy sources, that two-headed push-pull of motivation. Push away from the disgusting behavior and pull
away toward the brighter future. There's lots of ways, lots of in-the-moment methods for battling
minor urges and lifelong temptations. That's great. Those are so many really good skills there.
Well, John, this has been wonderful. I thank you so much for your time. You and I are going to
talk a little longer, and we're going to talk about two things. One of them is the very popular
slip busters from the book. And then I also want to ask you a little bit about 12-step programs. Why do you think they work? And in what cases do you think they work? Because I'm really fascinated by that in the context of your research. But again, John, thanks so much. We'll have links to the book and everything else in the show notes, but it's been a pleasure talking with you.
It's been my pleasure.
Thanks so much. Bye.
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