The One You Feed - How to Practice Self Compassion with Dr. Shauna Shapiro

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

In This Episode, You'll Learn: Why your attitude and how you pay attention is so important when it comes to mindfulness Understanding the 3 important pillars of mindfulness: intention, attention, attitude How have a mindfulness practice prepares the mind for learning Why shame stifles our ability to learn and grow How we can learn to remember to practice mindfulness by developing daily habits The question you can ask yourself in the morning to prime your mind to look for the good throughout the day Distinguishing between self-improvement vs self-liberation How our intention is a direction, not a destination Understanding that perfection is not possible, but transformation is The 5% principle and the benefit of taking very small action How to practically implement intentions The wide range and many benefits of having a regular meditation practice Her practice of “Good Morning, I Love You” To learn more, click here!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In case you're just recently joining us or however long you've been a listener of the show, you may not realize we have years and years of incredible episodes in our archive. We've had so many wonderful guests that we've decided to handpick one of our favorites that may be new to you, but if not, it's definitely worth another listen. We hope you'll enjoy this episode with Shauna Shapiro. When we shame ourselves, the centers of the brain that have to do with learning shut down. So we literally paralyze ourselves. We keep ourselves stuck in the very habits we want to change. Welcome to The One You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have.

Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit but it's not just about thinking our actions matter it takes conscious consistent and creative effort to make a life worth living this podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction how they feed their good wolf. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. articles and three critically acclaimed books translated into 16 languages. On this episode, Eric and Shauna discuss her book, Good Morning, I Love You, Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Practices to Rewire Your Brain for Calm, Clarity, and Joy. Hi, Shauna. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. Delighted to be here. I'm excited to have you on. We are going to discuss your book, Good Morning, I Love You, Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Practices to Rewire Your Brain for Calm, Clarity, and Joy. But before we get into the book, let's start like we always do with a parable. There's a grandmother who's talking with her grandson and she says, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops, thinks about it for a second, and he looks up at his grandmother.

He says, well, grandmother, which one wins? And the grandmother says, the one you feed. So I'd like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do. Well, first of all, I love that. My dad told me that parable when I was a little girl. And what it has always meant to me, even before I became a scientist and really understood the science behind it, is that where we put our attention, where we put our energy is what we grow. And if we are practicing negativity or fear or anger, that's what we're growing. And if we're practicing kindness and generosity,

that's what we're growing. That's what we're feeding as the grandmother said. And I think what we know now from neuroplasticity is that whatever we are practicing grows stronger. And so what really matters in life is focusing on what you want to grow, what you want to feed. And I think the other thing I love about that parable is it reminds us that none of us are perfect. We all have good and bad inside of us. And that's normal. That's natural. And it really is about choice and having the freedom to choose what parts of ourselves we want to strengthen. Yeah, I love that part of the parable too, that I don't think people talk about that much,

which is the normalization that the human condition is a struggle and that we have all this stuff going on inside of us. I love the way the parable sort of described is it sounds like it's a pretty close battle, you know, it sounds which we just, you know, really reinforces that this just goes on. So I love that idea. And, you know, what you said there about what we practice grows is one of the real key messages in your book, which is what we practice grows stronger and also how we practice, which is something we're really going to get into here in a minute. But I thought I would start by asking you to tell us a little bit about what led you into your initial encounters with mindfulness. Well, I was introduced to mindfulness at one of the lowest points in my life. I was

about 17 and I just had spinal fusion surgery. So I had a metal rod put in my spine for scoliosis. It was very unexpected. And so I went from this healthy, active teenager, kind of starved my volleyball team and my whole life centered around my physicality to lying in a hospital bed, unable to walk. And I remember during that time, the physical pain was significant, but it was really my mind that tortured me most. It was the fear of the future. Would I ever recover? And the incredible sense of loss. And I just didn't have the tools to cope. And it was at that time that my father introduced me to mindfulness. And it was one of those moments where just, I can't explain it, but it's like, you just know, there's a deep knowing. And when I started reading this book, he gave me wherever you go,

there you are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The first line said, whatever has happened to you, it's already happened. The real question is now what? And there was this sense of hope, question is now what? And there was this sense of hope, like there was a path forward that I perhaps could be happy again. And that journey led me some years later to Thailand and Nepal to a monastery to actually study and practice meditation. And it was there that I experienced for the first time, this sense of freedom from the pain in my body and a sense that there was the power of the mind to actually shift both our physical health and our mental well-being. And that really led to the last 25 years of my life. Yeah. You mentioned that sort of instant recognition. I was introduced to Zen Buddhism in high school by a teacher. And I just remember there was this almost instant draw. And I think the draw was similar to what you're describing,

because it was basically saying, you know what? Outside of you can be chaos and pain and suffering. And I was a serious young man as a high schooler. And so I'm reading all these novels, and I know that the world, lots of bad things can happen. And all of a sudden this thing comes along and says, but even in the midst of that, there's a way to be okay. And I just immediately was like, that, that's what I want. And that's what was so extraordinary about the monastery was I remember as I was leaving, feeling this sense of wellbeing, this sense of happiness and reflecting on the fact that nothing much had changed in my life, right? I didn't meet any, I didn't all of a sudden have a boyfriend,

my spine still had its metal rod and scars on my body, but there was this sense of happiness. And I realized that it wasn't our external circumstances that determined our happiness, it was really this interior landscape and that we have some control over that. Yeah. Yeah. So you were at the monastery and you're describing a little bit about how, you know, you had some initial glimpses of mindfulness that were really positive, but then you got into sort of being there and it was a real struggle. And one of the struggles was that the monks there didn't really speak much English. So you had an English And one of the struggles was that the monks there didn't really speak much English.

So you had an English speaking monk finally show up and you guys kind of get into a conversation about your struggles. And he gave you some pretty important ideas. Yes, it was really extraordinary because before going to the monastery, I'd had this one experience with meditation where there was this infinite peace and bliss. And by the time I got to the monastery, I had this expectation that meditation was going to be peaceful and joyful and easy. And when I started practicing, it was the exact opposite. It was my mind going all over the place and just kind of feeling more and more frustrated and impatient and struggling. just kind of feeling more and more frustrated and impatient and struggling.

And when this monk arrived who spoke English, I shared with him my struggles. And he looked at me and he said, oh, dear, you're not practicing mindfulness. You're practicing impatience, frustration, judgment. And then he said these five words that I'll never forget. What you practice grows stronger. Exactly what we were talking about with the parable is whatever we practice grows stronger. And we know this now with neuroplasticity, our repeated thoughts, emotions, behaviors, they shape our brain. They actually change the physical architecture of our brain.

And so he explained to me that if I was meditating with judgment, I was growing judgment. Meditating with frustration, I'm growing frustration. So he helped me understand that mindfulness isn't just about paying attention, which is what we normally think. It's just about being present. It's about how you pay attention. Your attitude is what is really essential. I wish I had learned that lesson 20 years earlier because, and listeners have heard this story, I was an on-again, off-again meditator for a long time. And there were a variety of

reasons for that, but certainly one of them was the fact that I always felt like I was doing it wrong. You know, it was this constant like, all right, I'm supposed to keep my mind on the breath and I can't do that. So I'm not doing it right. Doggone it. And frustration. And who wants to do something you feel like you has to be stated, at least in my case, in almost over-the-top language about how kind I approach this. Because there is something built into the way we, even the basic meditation instructions, that I don't think anybody can come to them anymore without preconceived notions. And the preconceived notion of, oh, my mind should be quiet, which is nobody's mind when they start. And so, you know, I think that that's one of the key pieces that's so important about what you're talking about here. And you talk about three pillars of mindfulness, but you say, you know, a really big one and the one that's most neglected is this one about our attitude. Exactly. And what you're saying is so important and so universal. When

I came back from the monastery, I started my PhD program, became a scientist and clinical psychologist, and I started working with people, teaching them mindfulness. And every single person I worked with had the exact experience you did, whether they were women with breast cancer or high-level CEOs or stressed out college students, every single person had this tremendous self-judgment. And it wasn't just about the meditation. It wasn't just like, I'm doing the meditation wrong. It's like, I'm doing life wrong. There's something wrong with me. What happens when we judge ourselves? What happens when we shame ourselves? And so I started studying shame. And what I learned is that shame doesn't work.

It doesn't make you a better parent. It doesn't help you become a better meditator. It doesn't help you lose weight. When we shame ourselves, the centers of the brain that have to do with learning shut down. So we literally paralyze ourselves. We keep ourselves stuck in the very habits we want to change. And that's why I started focusing on this attitude of kindness, that this is a pillar of mindfulness. And if we're not practicing kindness, we're not practicing mindfulness. And we certainly

aren't going to heal and change and grow. There's so many things you said in there that I think we should spend time on because it's so fundamental. There's a Stanford researcher, BJ Fogg, who's written a lot about habit change. And he's got a line in his latest book that sort of summarizes what we're saying here, which is that people change better by feeling good than feeling bad. It just works way better. And yet there's a sense if we're really hard on ourselves, you know, we had Kristen Neff on not too long ago. We've had her on a couple of times, this idea of this compassion and kindness. And I always say when I'm working with coaching clients, I say, it's not just that it feels better and that's good. Like feeling better is a really good thing.

Being kind to yourself actually makes your internal landscape more hospitable and habitable. But more than that, it's that it works way better. And that's what you're talking about here. Exactly. Well, I usually say the opposite to people. I say, if beating yourself up work, I'd say, go ahead and do it. It just doesn't work. That's really the key to this idea of kindness and compassion is that they not only feel better to us, which is lovely, but they actually are effective. What happens when we're kind and compassionate is we release dopamine into our system. We turn on the learning centers of the brain and we turn on the motivation centers. So this attitude actually gives us the resources we need to change.

And I think that's so important. What we know now is that change is something that we actually can learn to do. You know, it's another core thing that I talk with coaching clients about. People think I just can't. I'm lazy. I mean, it's not you. It's your approach. And so we know so much about change and so much of making successful

change is about learning. You know, there are people now who are starting to say that they think addiction is largely a learning disorder. It's an inability to learn. And so what you're saying is so critical because any kind of change we want to make, we have to be able to learn. And yet when we shame ourselves, we shut down the ability to learn. So let's talk a little bit more about the neuroscience of there. What's happening when we're shaming ourselves? When we shame ourselves, the amygdala triggers this cascade of norepinephrine and cortisol. It floods our system. It shuts down the learning centers of the brain and it shuttles all of our resources

to survival pathways. We literally go into a fight or flight freeze response because of our own like attack. We're attacking ourselves, but the body doesn't know that. And so it literally robs us of the resources we need to do the work of changing. And I agree with you about addiction because one of the hallmarks of addiction is shame. And that shame keeps people stuck. And that's why for me, my work in the world is to help people change. And I'm very interested in the processes of learning. And what I've found as a professor is that mindfulness is foundational to learning. as a professor is that mindfulness is foundational to learning. It creates this environment that actually is conducive to learning. And so in all my classes, whether or not we're going to talk about mindfulness, we begin with mindfulness practice just to prepare the mind for learning.

And in what ways does mindfulness prepare the mind for learning? Or what sort of mindfulness practices prepare the mind for learning? Or what sort of mindfulness practices prepare the mind for learning? Answer that either way, I guess. Yeah, it's a great question. So there are many different mindfulness practices. And for me, the most important thing for people to understand is that mindfulness is separate from meditation. Mindfulness is a way of being. It's a way of living moment by moment. And meditation is kind of the exercise, the workout, like going to the gym that strengthens your ability to be mindful through your day. And so mindfulness is defined as these three key elements, intention, attention, and attitude.

And so I'll have my students practice those three elements in different ways, but those are the core of mindfulness. And I'll just talk about each. The first is intention. And that's simply knowing why am I paying attention, right? What is the most important thing to me? Your intention is your values, what you care about. So I like to say your intention sets the compass of your heart. It says, this is the direction I want to go. This, like the grandmother said, this is the wolf I want to feed. That's your intention. The second element is of course your attention. And this is about learning how to train our attention in the present moment.

And what we've learned is that the mind has a really hard time staying focused. In fact, the mind wanders 47% of the time on average. So that's about half of our life that we're not here. We're lost in the future or we're sucked into the past and we miss this moment. And if you think about it, people say that time is our most valuable resource. They're wrong. It's our attention. That is our most valuable resource. So mindfulness trains our attention. And then the final element, the third element is our attitude, resource. So mindfulness trains our attention. And then the final element, the third element is our attitude, which is what we've been talking about, having this attitude of kindness and curiosity. And so we want to be practicing all three, zeroing in on

what's most important, capturing, stabilizing our attention, and then attending with kindness. And that practice of mindfulness, which can be done when we're listening, when we're eating, when we're dancing, when we're walking, when we're making love and when we're meditating, that practice creates this host environment of learning, of evolving and of growth. Thank you. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer.

And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us tonight. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman.

And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

One of the things that I think is the biggest challenge to mindfulness and one of the biggest challenges I would say to spiritual practice in general, and I know that we could say mindfulness is or isn't a spiritual practice. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole, but is forgetting. It's like we get up, maybe I do your good morning, I love you practice, I get myself on the right foot, maybe I meditate. And then I walk out the door. And the next time I think about any of that stuff is like 10 at night, I'm laying down going, how was my day? So I'm kind of curious from your perspective, what are some ways that we can weave mindfulness in through more of our lives. I've got a program called Spiritual Habits,

and that's the whole goal is it takes behavioral science and spiritual principles. So I have some of my own ideas, but I would love to hear your thoughts on how we can bring more of this to our day-to-day life, particularly around the problem of forgetting. Yes, beautiful. So what's interesting is the word mindfulness in Pali means to remember. So it's this process of forgetting and remembering and forgetting and remembering. And that is what I believe is the whole of spiritual practice, right? Yeah. Is we forget who we truly are, and then we remember. And so as we go through the day,

I love what you just said about having habits and it's really building in habits throughout our day that help us remember. So with my students, we create different habits, different practices that, that will support them through the day. And as you start to grow these muscles of awareness of mindfulness, they become more natural. So for example, like you said, when you wake up in the morning, I think when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night, those are the most important times to practice. And that's what most spiritual traditions say, right? Morning and evening. But there's actually research that came out of UC San Francisco

last year, showing that your mood in the morning and your mood in the evening are the best predictors of your physiological health and longevity. Your mitochondria, the health of your mitochondria are predictive of whether or not you're in a good or bad mood in the morning and evening and the length of your telomeres, which are the best predictor we have of how long someone's going to live. So anchoring yourself in these practices in the morning and the evening is really beneficial. But like you said, there's this whole day in between. And so it's important to kind of create pauses to schedule time in your day. And it doesn't have to be to meditate.

It could be pausing to write down what you're grateful for. It could be going out in nature, you know, doing what Dacher Keltner calls an awe walk, where you walk in nature and you look for the beauty and the good. So much of our day is focused on the negative. You know, there's something in psychology called the negativity bias. And it's really important to start to balance that by specifically orienting or priming the mind to look for the good. So one practice I wrote about this in the book is when I wake up, I say, I wonder what surprising and magical thing is going to happen today. And what that does is it primes my mind to look for the good, to look for the surprising. Instead of to scan for danger, I'm actually

looking for the good. And as I practice this over and over again, it grows stronger. Yeah. I think that's one of the ways that a formal gratitude practice helps me, is that if I'm doing one regularly, and I like to think of it as gratitude slash appreciation. Gratitude could be like, oh, I've got a home to live in, but appreciation could be this cup of tea or the way the light shines on that leaf. By trying to recount what those are, it does what you're describing, which is it sort of gets me on the lookout. It's the same way like having a photo a day goal gets my mind sort of looking at what's beautiful around me. It is a priming of the mind. I like that. I want to talk a little bit about mindfulness in general. You've sort of devoted your adult

life to it. It's undergone some stunning growth over the last five years, I would say. And you talk about one of the concerns is that you say the recent interest has often led to its oversimplification and overcommodification, and it can quickly turn into a character of itself that loses its transformational power. So talk to me about what ways does mindfulness lose its transformative power? What are some of the things we want to be on the lookout for? So one of, I think, the greatest pitfalls of mindfulness is that it can turn into a self-improvement project where we're using the practice as one more way to beat ourselves up when we don't measure up to this kind of gold standard of perfection. And so for me, a huge realization was recognizing that this practice isn't about self-improvement. It's about self-liberation. up into a sense of freedom and a sense of relating to ourselves and to life with greater kindness, greater openness, and greater flexibility, where there's not such control or trying to get certainty, but there's a way that we can flow and move with life with greater trust and faith, both in ourselves and in life itself.

Yeah, I loved that line from the book that, you know, we got to change our mindset from one of self-improvement to one of self-liberation. I think that's such a great way of saying it. I used to ask this question a lot on the show early on. And the question I would ask is, how do we balance this desire to improve ourselves? And by that, I just mean to be better, happier people. How do we balance that with the very fact that that striving gets in the way? It's endemic to all spiritual practice, I think, to a certain degree. At least I know for me, it's when I let go of wanting anything to be different that I experience my greatest spiritual freedom. And yet, there's an engine that pushes me forward to engage in spiritual practice. And so I love that improvement versus liberation. But talk more about that. Yeah, well, there's this exquisite paradox. And I think this

is where our intention becomes very powerful. Because our intention really sets the stage for what is possible, right? It reminds us again and again of why we're practicing, why we're engaging in these practices. And yet our intention is a direction. It's not a destination. And so again and again, we reset our compass. We say, this is the direction I want to head, but we don't get fixated on a destination and we don't get fixated on some idea of perfection. I think that's the greatest problem is when you think there's some end goal that you're going to get to. Perfection doesn't exist. In fact, the only time it exists is when you're dead, right? When you think about it, perfection is the antithesis of evolution. We're always growing,

we're always changing. Once you reach perfection, it's over. So the goal is not the end. The goal is the living and the evolving. And what mindfulness does for me is creates this liberation where every moment becomes precious. And every moment is in a sense, an end to itself. And if I take care of this moment, I'm going to be preparing myself for the next moment. I love that. Yeah. Adi Ashanti said to me once, if you want a perfect spiritual teacher, find a dead one, you know, because the living ones are going to disappoint you if you get to know them well enough. Like they just will. They're human. I love that idea. You say that perfection isn't possible, but transformation is. And then also

that change is a direction, not a destination. Exactly. And that it happens in small increments. If you think about it, change doesn't happen overnight. And I think that is where most people lose hope is they give like a big push and then it doesn't change overnight and they give up. But I write about in the book is something called the 5% principle. And I love this and I use it every day in my life is can I just be 5% kinder or can I just exercise 5% more? And it was really interesting because my son was having his midterm exams and he's in high school as he's a freshman. So it's like the first time he's ever had a real exam. And he said, I just can't study for it. It's just too much. And I said, well, let's just do 5%. Like you don't have to do a hundred percent. Let's just

take a little 5%. And you could see how it softened and opened him where there wasn't so much pressure and so much urgency. And I think all of us, our children especially, are living with so much urgency and pressure. And what the 5% principle says is let's just go in that direction. We don't need to do it perfectly. Yeah. It's one of the biggest teachings on this show over all the years is just those baby steps, just little steps at a time. I'm working on a sort of a Dharma talk for a Zen center that I'm doing later this week. And I was talking about that very thing, you know, comparing like these, these Hollywood ideas of these big moments. You know, I've had a couple in my life, like the moment I realized I'll die if I don't go into treatment, like it's a big moment, but it's not really that much bigger than the

27,000 others after that, that I chose to go to a meeting, call my sponsor, stay sober. Like those all are so important. And there's the idea of the marginal gains. There's the story of the British cycling coach who, you know, he didn't even do 5%. He was like, if we get 1% improvement in lots of different areas, it adds up to this really big change. Exactly. And so it's again, just like, which wolf are you going to feed? You have to feed them on a daily basis, right? And so it's just this little bits of, am I moving in the direction that's in alignment with my heart? That's in alignment with my soul. That is my deepest desire. And I think that idea of remembering, because we forget so easily,

right? We forget so easily what's important. And that's what these practices are about is remembering because the way people get off course is not because they just all of a sudden veer off the cliff. It's like these little minor broken commitments and these, these minor errors that are 1% in judgment. And, you know, if you're 1% off and you're driving from California, Texas, you're not going to get there. You're going to go a different direction. And so what we're trying to do is just read course correct every day. Am I in alignment? Am I living the life I'm supposed to live? Yeah. I love that idea. I think you're, you're speaking my language. Let's go back to intention for a second, because one of the things about intention is when do you set intentions? Do you

set an intention for the day? Do you set an intention when you sit down to meditate? Do you set an intention for the hour? What are your thoughts on what are the places to set intention and how important is it to keep one intention or to change your intentions? Or let's just talk more about the practical implementation of intention. Absolutely. It's a great question. So our intentions are evolving. They're always changing. So you don't just set an intention like a New Year's resolution and that's it for the year. And so the way I work with intention is when I sit to meditate, I always begin with an intention just to make the meditation alive. So it's not just like, okay, now it's time to meditate and I'm doing it again. So I'll set my intention then. And they change, you know, sometimes it's just, may this be a benefit in my life and in the world, there's

this kind of sense of an offering, a dedication. But sometimes the intentions are more specific. And I'll give you an example. Some years ago, I was away teaching in Europe and I was gone for about two weeks. And my son at the time was nine years old and it was the longest we'd ever been apart. And I distinctly remember flying back from Copenhagen and I was kind of in the coach middle seat, kind of squished up and all of a sudden almost having an anxiety attack because I was so worried that I had ruined my relationship with my son, that I'd been gone too long. I had broken our attachment bonds. I made the wrong choice. And instead of spiraling into shame and guilt and doubt, I set a clear intention. When I get home, the most important thing is to reconnect with my son. And so when

I got home, I made a commitment for 24 hours, not to unpack, not to check mail, not to do email. And I, this very clear intention. And I said to my son, we live in California. I said, do you want to go to the beach? Cause it's something we both loved. He said, sure. So I start packing up the perfect picnic and all his perfect foods and his gear. And I'm ready to go to the beach and wave into the neighbor saying like, look what a good mom I am. And I go back inside and I'm like, Hey Jackson, you ready to go? And he's like, nah, I don't feel like it. I'm like, what? We're going to go to the beach and I'm going to show you how much I love you. Damn it. So he gets on his swim trunks and I'm out at the car and I'm ready to go. And I'm in agenda mode. Like I want to get to the beach is a perfect sunlight and the

perfect time for our picnic. And he's sitting on our front porch and I'm like, Hey, let's go. And he doesn't even look up at me. And I start getting impatient and I'm about to kind of just like get in the car when all of a sudden I remember my intention. What's the most important thing? Oh yeah. All I want to do is reconnect with my son. I don't care if we go to the beach. And I walked back over to where he was sitting and he was watching these ants and I sit down next to him and we're watching the ants together. And all of a sudden I feel his little body begin to soften and I feel his shoulder lean into my shoulder, the sun on our backs. And that was it. That was the most important thing, but we forget. And so our intentions, they remind us, they remind us of what do I really care about? Yeah. And so we can have an intention for a day,

but we can also have an intention for a situation, a meeting, a conversation, a dinner. What's my intention at dinner tonight with the family? My intention is to be present. My intention is to be kind. And it changes the whole trajectory. When you go into a board meeting, when you, even for this podcast that we're recording, before we started recording, I set a really clear intention that it be of benefit. And there's a way in which it shifts the entire direction of what's happening because you get back in alignment with what's important. It's just like saying grace before dinner, that it changes the feeling instead of everyone rushing in and everyone's on their phone and whatnot, to actually have that pause and remind yourself, this is a special time. Thank you. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden.

And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth.

Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman.

And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called really no really. And you can find it on the I heart radio

app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I think that that intention before meditation is a really important piece that again, another thing that I spent most of my life not doing. I just, I still do it sometimes. I just sit down and I write in. And I just find that by stopping and thinking about why I'm doing it makes a big difference. It's essential. And I believe it's essential to keep this practice up, to keep up your motivation, because otherwise you forget about why you're doing it.

And it becomes one more chore. Meditation, Lauren Roche, who's one of my dear friends and teachers. He says, it's a love affair with life that you sit down and you reconnect with your deepest truths, with your deepest felt sense. And to set that intention, right? May this liberate me, may this help me be more compassionate. May this help me be more present. So I'm not missing my life. And there's a way in which sometimes, I mean, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm a scientist. So I do it. Sometimes I'll sit down there and I'll be like, oh my God, I really should be writing another book chapter or helping our kids with their homework. And I'll just say, no, no, no.

Right now I'm strengthening my immune system and I'm improving my sleep quality and decreasing cortisol. And I'll just kind of remind myself of all the benefits just to kind of re-motivate myself, say, oh yeah, I'm taking care of myself by doing this. That is my intention. Yeah. Let's go through some of those benefits. What are some of the benefits to a regular meditation practice or a regular mindfulness practice? Well, what's truly extraordinary is that there's such a wide range of benefits that not only does it reduce stress, reduce cortisol, lower blood pressure, strengthen our immune system. It also helps with cognitive capacities. So it increases our

attention and focus, but it also increases our memory, our ability to learn, our ability to innovate and create. And then some of the things I'm most interested in is meditation increases our empathy and compassion. It increases our self-compassion. It increases our happiness levels. It increases our ability to shift perspectives so that we have more cognitive flexibility. We don't get stuck in these rigid thought patterns. And it reduces our cultural bias. It allows us to see each other clearly. And I think more than anything, this is what our world needs, is greater compassion, greater clarity, and greater capacity to sense our inner connection. When you instruct somebody in a basic meditation practice, what are your basic instructions?

We can try it right now. I'll guide us through a very short one. All right. If you're listening, if you'd like, you can let your eyes close. And if you don't like to close your eyes, it's fine to keep them open. You can just focus on one point. And then just begin by reflecting on your intention. and then just begin by reflecting on your intention. So your intention right now might just be present and curious, open, and then gathering your attention into your body. And watch, your mind's going to want to wander off.

It's like, ooh, this is my break. It's not your break. Come back, feel your body, wiggle your toes, feel your feet. Practicing these neural pathways of presence, of attention. Feel your breath. And then infusing this with kindness. So maybe soften the body 5% more. Bring 5% more openness, curiosity, and just practicing for another moment your intention, attention, attitude. You can take another breath in and out. Notice how you feel.

And if your eyes are closed, you can let some light back into them. Good. Simple. And so as that practice goes on, do you encourage people to stay with the breath, the sensations of the body, the intention or all the above? Exactly. It's all of the above. It's this kind of mindfulness is this synergistic co-arising of these three elements. And so there's this sense of, because if I just focus on my attention, it starts getting a little bit tight and I start getting a little bit like rigid. And so then I infuse it with kindness, with openness, with curiosity, with gentleness. curiosity, with gentleness. And if I'm sitting there and I'm getting a little spacey, it's like, why am I doing this in the first place? What's my intention? And so we're, we're softening, opening at the same time that we're heightening our attention. And there's this really interesting combination of this laser light clarity and this total ease. And it's not often in real life that we feel this in life, you know, maybe athletes. Maybe athletes, they describe that flow experience.

And it's, for me, very similar to that of this flow within myself and with life where I'm not spaced out. I'm perfectly clear and yet I'm at ease. I love that. I think that's a beautiful description of it. We're nearing the end of our time, but I wanted to ask you briefly about your practice that there's the title of the book called Good Morning, I Love You. So let's talk about the Good Morning, I Love You practice. It's the title of my book in the United States. However, in the United Kingdom, it was titled Rewire Your Mind because Good Morning, I Love You did not translate into British. I'm teasing a little bit, but it was re-titled Rewire Your Mind.

But Good Morning, I Love You is really the essence of the book. And I know it's a bit of a hokey title. And as a scientist, they said, no, people aren't going to take you seriously. But this practice is the most powerful practice I know. It completely changed my life. And I learned it about 10 years ago when I was going through a very difficult divorce. And I was waking up every morning with this pit of despair and shame and judgment. And no matter how hard I tried to shoo those negative thoughts away, they kept coming back. And my meditation teacher suggested I start practicing some self-compassion and kindness. And she said, I want you to say, I love you,

Shauna, every day. And I said, no way. It felt so inauthentic and contrived. And she said, how about just saying good morning when you wake up? She said, put your hand on your heart. It releases oxytocin. It's good for you. She knew the science would get me and say, good morning, Shauna. So the next morning I woke up, put my hand on my heart, took a breath and said, good morning, Shauna. And it was kind of nice, right? Instead of the avalanche of shame, I felt this flash of kindness and I kept practicing. And as I practiced, I noticed a little bit more kindness, a little less harshness. And a few months later, it was my birthday. And I was down at a place

called Esalen in Big Sur, one of the most magical places on earth. And I was all alone. I was my first time away from my husband and my son on my birthday. And I woke up and I went down to these mineral hot springs and I slid in. It was before the sun was rising. And I put my hand on my birthday and I woke up and I went down to these mineral hot springs and I slid in. It was before the sun was rising and I put my hand on my heart to do my good morning practice. And all of a sudden this image of my grandmother came to me. And before I knew it, I said, good morning. I love you, Shauna. Happy birthday. And it was as if the dam around my heart burst and this love just poured in my, my grandmother's love, my mother's love, my own self-love. And I wish I could tell everyone that every day since then has been this bubble of

self-love and I've never felt judgment or shame again. And that's not true, but what is true is, is this pathway of kindness was established. And every morning I feed it with this practice of good morning. I love you. And some days it feels awkward and lonely. And some days I feel profound love. And what I know is the most important thing is I keep practicing. And so I invite everyone who's listening to practice to tomorrow morning, wake up, put your hand on your heart. In fact, maybe just put your hand on your heart now. It's this really interesting sensation of self-care, you know, this gesture of kindness. And for some people, when you do it, it feels really uncomfortable.

That's okay. And for some people, it feels really soothing. That's okay and for some people it feels really soothing that's okay but to bring five percent more kindness to bring five percent more care to yourself you can put your hand back in your lap but i invite you to try it tomorrow morning and to actually add the words good morning and your own name or if you're brave good morning good morning. I love you. Wonderful. Well, you and I are going to continue talking in the post-show conversation. I want to talk about something you said in your book, that it's possible to change our happiness set point,

which is really news to me. So I would love to explore that further and some other ideas in the post-show conversation. Listeners, if you'd like access to that and mini episodes, ad-free episodes, and support the show, you can go to oneufeed.net slash join. So thank you so much, Shauna, for coming on. It's been such a pleasure to support the One You Feed podcast. When you join our membership community with this monthly pledge, you get lots of exclusive members-only benefits. It's our way of saying thank you for your support. Now, we are so grateful for the members of our community. We wouldn't be able to do what we do without their support, and we don't take a single dollar for granted. To learn more, make a donation at any level, and become a member of the One You Feed community, go to oneyoufeed.net

slash join. The One You Feed podcast would like to sincerely thank our sponsors for supporting the show. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really No Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com

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