The One You Feed - How to Shift Your Mindset and Believe More is Possible with Cory Allen

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

In this episode, Cory Allen discusses how to shift your mindset and believe more is possible in your life. Cory brings a unique blend of wisdom and practicality to the realm of personal growth and self-awareness. He shares his insights on mindfulness and meditation, offering a fresh perspective on navigating the inner landscape. Through his work, he empowers listeners to embark on a journey of self-discovery and inner transformation, making complex spiritual concepts accessible and applicable to everyday life. In this episode, you will be able to: Overcome negative thinking patterns to take control of your mindset Develop self-awareness that can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and others Master effective communication strategies to enhance your ability to express yourself authentically and connect with those around you Recognize and address assumptions that can significantly improve mental well-being Embrace incremental steps toward self-improvement leading to lasting positive changes and a greater sense of fulfillment in life To learn more, click here!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thoughts are basically just like fragments of mental formations that are trying to give us material so that we don't run out of script and like the sitcom of our life. It doesn't mean that the writing is good. It just wants us to have lines. Welcome to The One You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that

hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really No Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you?

We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for joining us. Back on the show today is Corey Allen, an author, podcast host, musician, composer, and audio mastering engineer. On his podcast, The Astral Hustle, he speaks with experts in mindfulness, neuroscience, and philosophy. And today, Corey and Eric discuss his new book, Brave New You, a roadmap to believing that more is possible.

Hey, Corey, welcome to the show, or welcome back to the show, I suppose I should be saying. Eric, thank you so much for having me, man. It's really awesome to be back, and I'm grateful to be back here with you in this moment of time again. Yeah, I don't know how many times you've been on at this point, maybe three, I'm not sure, but our listeners given your voice, we'll be happy to hear you again. I hope so. I hope so. It'll be exactly what they need right before bedtime. Exactly. I occasionally get that. Like I listened to your podcast to go to sleep and I'm like, well, I think I'm going to take that as a compliment, but I suppose I could read that differently if I wanted to. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. It's like,

thank you, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. You have a new book called Brave New You, a roadmap to believing that more is possible. And I have a first question I have to ask you before we even get to the wolf parable, which is there is a song by an Austin songwriter and performer by the name of Jimmy Dale Gilmore called braver, newer world. And I was curious whether, you know, that song, given that you are in Austin and it's close to the title of your book. I know Jimmy Dale Gilmore. Uh, and also for anyone that's unfamiliar with who he is on a musical front, he was Smokey in the Big Lebowski, the dude that steps over the line with the long gray hair. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh really? Okay. Have you seen Big Lebowski?

Yeah. It's been a long time. Yeah. So, so Jimmy Dale Gilmore was Smokey and he really loves whenever you bring that up to him. I think, um, I've seen it happen in person when people accost him in person and go, man, you have Smokey, oh my God. And he's like, yeah, I'm also have a legacy musical career as well that you can reference. Right, right. But no, I didn't base it off of that, but I would be proud to be side by side him in the lexicon. That record of his braver, newer world is, I think it's head and shoulders above anything else he's done. It's so good. But he also has a song that I love called

My Mind's Got a Mind of Its Own, which is such a great title for any of us who wrestle with, say, motivational complexity, meaning we're not sure what we want. Yeah, I think that's going to be the name of my next book. Yeah, it's a great song, too. All right, now we'll start like we always do with the parable. There's a grandparent talking with a grandchild, and they say, In life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf,

which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops, they think about it for a second, they look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I'd like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do. Yeah, I think that, you know, the more that I continue to watch my mind, pay attention to what's arising internally in any moment, I noticed that like all of the negative stuff, the dark wolf, as you would say in the parable, really seems to be just collections of memories of negative moments of the past, trying to influence how I'm feeling in the present.

And it's not really who I am. It's what I've been through and some of the things that have impacted me over the years that are still stuck, that I'm still attached to. And if I am present with what I'm thinking, the good wolf is who I actually am today. And I think that making that distinction, whenever the mind in the present tries to convince you, give you some negative thought, a negative image of yourself or a situation. I remember that, oh, this isn't me. This is what I've experienced. It's areas where I'm still in pain. It's areas where I'm still clinging. It's areas where I'm still scared or have anger or something. And it's trying to come in here to the present and influence me now. But if I listen to this

positive voice, I can see with clarity that who I truly am, my real expression is this person that I've grown into. And by keeping that framework in mind, it allows me whenever those negative voices do arise in the mind to notice them for what they are, and then use that present moment of space to mindfully and intentionally choose to listen to the positive voice or feed the good wolf. Yeah, I love that. Listener, as you're listening, what resonated with you in that? I think a lot of us have some ideas of things that we can do to feed our good wolf. And here's a good tip to make it more

likely that you do it. It can be really helpful to reflect right before you do that thing on why you want to do it. Our brains are always making a calculation of what neuroscientists would call reward value. Basically, is this thing worth doing? And so when you're getting ready to do this thing that you want to do to feed your good wolf, reflecting on why actually helps to make the reward value on that higher and makes it more likely that you're going to do that. For example, if what you're trying to do is exercise, right before you're getting ready to exercise, it can be useful to remind yourself of why. For example, I want to exercise because it makes my mental and emotional health better

today. If you'd like a step-by-step guide for how you can easily build new habits that feed your good wolf, go to goodwolf.me slash change and join the free masterclass. Yeah, I love that idea. I'm curious, you say that's this collection of memories of what you've been through. To what extent do you think any of that is conscious or to what extent are you conscious of it? Or to what extent is it sort of a habitual response pattern? Are you conscious of what the actual material itself or the reactions it causes? Yeah, the material itself.

Yeah, I think it depends. I think it depends on the person. causes. Yeah. The material itself. Yeah. I think it depends. I think it depends on the person. It's like, how much work have you done to be aware of the mental formations that are flowing through your mind, you know, and to make that a little bit more, less esoteric, I suppose, for someone who is into meditation, you know, if you study your inner life, you will notice, or if you stop at any point, you'll notice that, you know, you have your conscious awareness. And if you pay attention a little bit and just notice rather than try and, you know, just react to whatever's flowing through your mind, you'll see, oh, there's a thought

where I'm thinking this now. And you just label and note whatever is rising. And you can start to notice like, oh, there's a positive thought. There's a negative thought. There's this, there's that. But a lot of people don't do that. In fact, most people don't do that. Most people have that operating kind of in the back of their mind and they're on autopilot. They're living in front of that process, reacting to the thoughts and impulses that are coming up to them in the moment. So that's why their life, I mean, they feel like they don't have a lot of control in their life. Or what generally ends up happening is they do something like called post-event processing, where they'll be in a situation, they'll react in a negative way that

they didn't seem to have any control over in the moment because they were almost in a feral sort of automatic state. And then later they'll look back and say, God, I wish I hadn't said that to Eric. I didn't want to say that. Like it just came out of me. It just happened. Right. So that's why most people feel like they're kind of living in this pinball machine type of life and they don't really have a firm control and ability to be intentional. So if someone doesn't look inward, then that ecosystem of negative imprintations from their

experience does seem rather mystifying. And therefore, to your question, it's more like they don't really know where that stuff's coming from. It just seems to be happening to them. And maybe they'll recognize the outcomes of that or the emotions that go along that, but they won't really know where that stuff's coming from. It just seems to be happening to them. And maybe they'll recognize the outcomes of that or the emotions that go along that, but they won't be particularly conscious of the material itself. However, if someone spends time meditating or simply paying attention to their thoughts, noting their thoughts, and their self-awareness increases to where they become not only aware of what they're experiencing and the world, but also what's happening inside of them that is creating this kind of consciousness conversation of feedback with their reality of what they're thinking and how that translates to their

actions, how people are responding to them and so forth. Once you become aware of that, then those things that you were talking about, I think one does become more conscious of them. And it can become a really fascinating self-healing, self-teaching, self-discovery tool. Because in the moment, rather than simply, for example, like having an emotional response, rather than simply reacting to it, you can get curious about it. You can notice it. And then you can look beyond just the energy of the emotions, like the intensity in the body. And you can think and explore like, well, why am I feeling that way? Like, for example, if you're, you know, in a conversation with a partner and you notice that every time that talking about

your finances comes up, you start feeling anxious and weird and like defensive and shut down. A lot of people would feel that and then just shut it down, move on, disengage from the conversation or come up with a way to distract it or move the conversation to something else. But if you are, you know, developing a bit of skill at looking inward and being aware of your thoughts and being able to look down into yourself. In that moment, you might notice that defensive feeling. You notice the body tightening, the breath shortening. You notice your adrenaline releasing.

You feel yourself filling with tension. Then you go, hmm, okay, I'm having this feeling and I'm noticing this arising. Now let's start labeling and noting kind of what I'm feeling. Okay, there's tension there. I feel tight. I feel shut down. My voice doesn't feel as clear. I don't feel like I can really find my words. Now let's look a little bit deeper, you know, and then you might find, hmm, well, I'm actually feeling this way because I feel like I'm the one contributing all of the finances to the situation in our household and this other person isn't contributing as much. And so it's making me frustrated,

but I don't want to express that frustration because I don't want to make that person feel like they're not valuable. Or, you know, there's a million scenarios where you could say, oh, my parents, you know, had this crazy relationship with money. And so you can, you know, kind of look inward and explore and become more deeply aware of some of those negative representations from the past. So let's stay with that example for a second. Let's say you find yourself in that situation and you're thinking to yourself, I feel like my partner doesn't contribute enough to the finances and I'm feeling frustrated. And thus I'm having this emotional reaction. What happens next? Let's say I figure that out. Then what's the next step in the process? I'm asking you about something kind of nebulous and asking you to make it concrete. But I think a lot of people are going to relate with what you just

said. Some version of it, which is like, I look inside, I see what the thought is. The thought appears to have some degree of reality, right? A, it's real because I'm having it, but it may not be true, meaning is your partner, but you might look at that and be like, well, very clearly we have a $7,000 monthly budget and I put 6,000 of it in, right? So then you'd be like, okay, well, indeed, this is a true thing. And it's a negative thought in a way, or it's at least a thought that is spurring negative emotions. Then what's the next step? Yeah. So in that situation, it would be communication. It's recognizing that you're feeling that certain way that you're having that thought or that projection about reality. You know, even saying reality makes it sound complicated, just about, you know, that moment in the conversation and then bringing it up with a

peaceful, you know, mindful, thoughtful and spacious form of conversation where I would script this like this. I would say, I want to, you know, talk to you about something that I'm feeling. I value you so much in every way possible in our relationship. But something that is starting to bother me, I noticed the frustration is I feel like I'm contributing more. And you could say, I'm okay with that, but it is making me feel a little bit frustrated. So maybe can we find a way to find some balance in this or talk about that a bit more, ask them how they feel about that, you know, just sort of opening that communication without any accusation, making sure to reinforce that you care about them so that they feel safe in that moment.

And I think, you know, that's a healthy way to proceed. And what's amazing is that in that situation, there's a couple of things that come up. One is that you might be able to find a really beautiful moment of closening, because a lot of people fear that if you have a conversation like that, or you say that, and like I said, you know, in the way that I framed that there was no accusation, you could say everything's fine. We can keep things the way they are. I just want to share this emotion that's arising. People fear that that's going to turn into something explosive or whatever. And so they don't have those conversations, but having those conversations,

which are vulnerable, that's ultimately what we're talking about here is a person that has a deep feeling that they're scared to share, but they go, you know, if I'm going to be in a relationship with this person, I'm going to lovingly and mindfully and clearly express how I'm feeling. Because real vulnerability is not what you see on social media. It's not someone fake crying into the real and talking about something. It's about saying something you are actually scared to say. I mean, that's the, you know, that's the reality of it. Yeah.

Something that you don't want to say, much less share online. So you don't want to say this thing, but going, you know what? Let's even pressure test the situation. Let me say it, see if it's received and if I'm held. And if you do, then it can bring you closer together, you know, and it can be a beautiful thing. I think that since we're on your podcast and like the world in which I think that your listeners generally inhabit, one thing that I have been asked a lot in this very area is people, you know, we focus

on and we're taught to let go of tension, to let go of anger, to release those emotions that are unskillful, that, you know, breed any of that, you know, thing that could be harmful to others. So what happens a lot in relationships or in partnerships is that a person will have another partner who isn't doing the same type of work that they are. They may not be interested in, you know, their inner lives or some type of self-development, which is fine, of course, for them, but they'll be doing their thing. This other person who is working in this mindful work a lot feels like they're the one who is always

releasing the tension. They're the one who's always like, okay, well, that's annoying to me, but I'm just going to recognize it. I'm going to allow it. I'm going to let it go. It's fine. You know, we're both just doing our thing. And while that's good to not hold onto the tension, what happens over time, of course, is that turns into resentment. And so a lot of people will go, hey, I've been releasing tension left and right over here, but I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment that I can't release. And if I do release it, then I feel like I'm not, you know, sticking up for myself. I feel like a doormat. And it's amazing how many people I've heard that from because they're like, I'm doing the right thing. Why is this getting worse? Yeah. I mean, that's certainly a challenge I face in an ongoing

sort of way, which is recognizing that a lot of times the reaction I'm having has a lot to do with what's going on inside of me and wanting to have time to process that before I respond externally, which is generally good. And what often happens for me is that the emotional energy dies. And so then there's no energy to say the thing that I probably should have said. Now, some of the time that's the correct thing, right? I, I, I am like, Oh, I actually, I was just grumpy because I hadn't had breakfast yet and I don't care, you know? And then there are other times where it's like the emotional energy dies. I'm like, oh, no big deal. But then it happens again. I'm like, oh, wait a

second. It kind of is starting to be a big deal. And I think I've gotten a lot better at it, but that is that danger. And I think it's a danger of anybody who's sort of in the psychology or, you know, spiritual teaching world where we're sort of told to watch out for these negative energies. A follow-on question to that would be, there's a theory that says that emotions are information and that, you know, thus we should always listen to them. And I find that to be true and then sometimes not true. How do you tweeze that apart? You know, how do you know when you're having an emotional reaction that's because of something real and that needs dealt with, or you're having an emotional reaction that is very habituated and has nothing to do with the

current situation or is obviously it's easy to tell if you're starving, you're like, okay, I can throw that one off, but it's far more nuanced in the middle, you know, between those two extremes. Yeah, yeah. And first, I think it would be useful for us to just quickly give the solution for the scenario that I was just painting there real quickly as far as feeling like a doormat, you know,

and being the one that's always releasing. To finish that thread, it would be to recognize the emotional energy that you're releasing. What is that connected to? And then communicating about that issue with your partner in a non-emotional way. So it's like, I'm always mad because I'm always the one that does the dishes and they never do it and they leave a mess everywhere, but I'm going to release the energy. I'm just going to keep doing it. And then people get in that cycle forever. But the move is to go, I'm going to let go of the frustration from that. Then I'm going to have a, you know, wholesome conversation of like, Hey, we need to have a

talk about this real quick, as opposed to having that energy and going, we are going to talk about this real quick. And I, you know, I'm going to wring your neck. So that's the value of the letting go of the emotional energy, but you have to do the second part, which is the communicating about the issue that's arising. Yeah. You've come a long way because your first book I think was titled, babe, I need you to bring home the bacon. So, you know, you've really grown. I just, I'm happy to see that, that in your work. Thanks. Yeah. That was a huge, uh, that was a huge bestseller in the, the incel world. I loved it. Yeah. On certain Reddit forums that did really well. Dark Reddit forums are blowing up with it.

No. So yeah. To your note about, you know, habituated emotional reaction versus kind of certifiable ones. To me, I would look for context. Like you said, if you're feeling this feeling that's not connected to anything, that you're just irritated or generally stressed in a sort of global way, then the world is going to seem more irritating and you're going to have that feeling towards everything. It's like your cute little puppy is making your heart melt, but in this situation where you're overscheduled and underslept and overstressed, it's like your cute little puppy is, you know, making your heart melt. But in this situation where you're overscheduled and underslept and overstressed, you're like, shut up, leave me alone. It's like, you would never say that to your puppy otherwise, but it has nothing to do with

them. It's to do with you, you know, but if it's a specific thing that is arising, you know, that has happened or keeps happening and you notice it and can actually identify what that thing is, or it's a similar context, then that's something to look into. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor we got the answer will space junk block your cell

signal the astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer we talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth plus does tom cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, Really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com.

And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You talk a lot in this book about challenging our thoughts. you talk a lot in this book about challenging our thoughts and something you say is that, you know, one of the tough things about challenging your thoughts is how convincing they can be. So that's absolutely true. I almost, the more convinced I am of a thought, the more I've sort of learned to doubt it smart, like just to at least go like, if I feel this strongly about it, I might need to investigate that perhaps there's something going on here. But again, that feeling of certainty of they seem so real, what are some effective strategies for

starting to challenge our thoughts or starting to be able to tell what's a, the phrasing I like is a helpful or unhelpful thought? Yeah, I think that what I would do is start looking at thoughts as just information, something that's disconnected from us. Like we have this habit of identifying our thoughts with who we are and what we are. And instead of doing that, just really distancing yourself from them a little bit and seeing them as almost just like a visitor, you know, in the world and in your mind. And thinking about like, oh, they're coming from somewhere else. They're not me, right? They're just something that's passing through for a moment. And I think a fun experiment is to do that with, as you were pointing to, do that with all thoughts that come through your mind, not just the ones that you want to release or disengage.

I like Antonio Damasio's description of them as a neuroscientist. He says they're basically like notes of what's just happened. It's like the mind is just kind of like noting what's just happened often, or it's throwing up suggestions of what you could do next. Thoughts are basically just like fragments of mental formations that are trying to give us material so that we don't run out of script and like the sitcom of our life. It doesn't mean that the writing is good. It just wants us to have lines, you know, to be able to say, uh, if we want, uh, now what makes a good actor is how you choose which lines and how to say them, how to deliver them. And that's kind of the same story of life, you know? So I think

just really zooming out and taking a step back from all of the thoughts you have allows you to see them under the context of them just being this passing information, which really doesn't have anything to do with you or your identity. And looking at them as more of like colors on, you know, whatever you're painting on a palette that you could choose from to paint with, as opposed to these deeply significant identifying structures. Isn't there some degree of a thought being more or less accurate? I mean, I get what you're saying that like,

we should just treat them as things that have appeared versus being completely identified with them. Right. I mean, I think that's the first and biggest fruit of meditation, which most people see as a problem is the realization that like, there's nothing you're going to do that's going to stop these things from coming. And you have no idea what's coming next. And like, it just happens. It's just happening. Right. So in that regard, I agree with you a hundred percent, like, okay, let's treat them all as something that's appearing to us versus something we've made appear or something that is part of us. And yet there is some manner, I think, of which certain thoughts are more accurate than other thoughts, right? Well, sure. Yeah. So let's say I get a little bit of distance. So I'm able

to say, okay, well, these thoughts aren't me. Then I still have some evaluative process to do, right? To say like, well, that thought's actually true or somewhat true or approximates the truth, or this thought is crazy. Unfortunately, most of them are somewhere in between those two, between a simple fact that microphone is black and that wall over there is covered with flying locusts when indeed it's not. But in between all that, right, is really where it gets tricky. Yeah. I mean, very far in between all that. But yeah, I mean, I think, I mean, very far in between all that. But yeah, I mean, I think, you know, Eric is like, I've been really struggling with,

is this a microphone or a giant black snake? And I just don't, I can't, you know, deal with, yes, I hear what you're saying. And it's like, I think that that's why I described them as being kind of tools. I think it's useful to look at them as tools. And, you know, we're getting really granular about it and we could go even further into it if you want. I don't know if that's going to put your listeners to sleep or not, but I think if we take it to a really practical level, you know, we could say that let's look at a thought about yourself and intrusive negative thought. You know, if you have this thought in the morning when you wake up and you look in the mirror and you're like, well, I suck and I'm going to fail today. I'm unlovable. Parents hate me.

And I'm just projecting at this point, you know, but you know, parents hate me. I'll never succeed. You know, bald men are ugly. I mean, you know, all of the thoughts that we all have every morning, you know, if you have those thoughts, then, um, that's a moment where you would pause and go, you know what, this is just trash. This is garbage. These are weird. Like I'm probably didn't sleep well. You know, I had some dream or something and these are just some weird like insecurities or something that's arisen for me.

Ultimately, what that probably is leading to is like, I'm feeling fearful about a new situation I have to enter into that day, something like I'm not familiar with. And so the fear part of the mind that tries to protect you and keep you from going into growth situations because it wants to keep you safe is throwing up these little roadblocks to try and scare you away from going into new territory that will make you grow. That's probably what's really happening. So if you recognize like those arising thoughts, like, okay, this is just noise. These are intrusive thoughts. They're not real. You know, obviously that's where that's really helpful. Or alternatively, if you have, you know, good

constructive thoughts around self-confidence, or if you're going into a situation, like we could say a professional situation, or you're going to a date and you're thinking, okay, I feel good, look good, feel confident, I got value, let's go do this. And also take it out of the self, like this is going to be fun. Let's go experiment and, you know, get curious and just have a new experience. This is going to be great. Like then ride along with that flow of thoughts, you know, I think that's generally how one would use their discernment to distinguish. Now, if you want to go into the depths of phenomenology and kind of the ontological texture of reality and consciousness,

I'm really happy to. I've loved thinking about that and I've thought about it for 20 years. It just depends on if you want to get into that with your listeners or not. If anyone's driving, I don't want them to fall asleep and crash and hurt themselves. All right. We'll pull ourselves out. Although I'm certainly interested in all that, you know, I think that gets to sort of what I said, like my best thought tool is really just to kind of ask myself, like, is this thought useful? Like, is it actually serving a useful purpose right now? Because I might be having a

thought that in ways seems sort of negative, but it might be useful, right? Like I might be feeling bad about something that I did and I'm trying to figure out how to make it right. It doesn't feel good, but it's a useful thought, you know? But to your point, a general, I suck and I'm going to fail at everything is completely unuseful. You know, you also talk somewhere about, I can't seem to find the exact phrase, but you talk about these thoughts of the future tend to show up as prophecies, meaning we think we know what's going to happen, right? Absolutely.

Yeah. It's such a huge value in understanding how that works out. So I'll just unpack it a little bit. It's something in the book I talk about in terms of self-fulfilling prophecies. Whenever we get these intrusive thoughts and we allow them to affect the way that we feel, the way that we're acting, we can end up creating the negative outcome in a situation that we were scared and that we were projecting about in the first place. So an example would be if we are about to go to a party or something and we're like, you know, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, people aren't going to want to talk to me. I don't know, I look weird,

you know, I don't really know anyone. I'm bald, I'm unlovable, like my parents, you know, again. Then whenever you go to the party, you get there and you think about how are you arriving, like your energy, your mindset, your posture, your breathing, your confidence, your comfort levels, your adrenaline, all these different things inside your body. Your shoulders are slumped down, you're a little awkward, you're not in your flow. Most importantly, you're not talking about things that you like and you enjoy. You're not being yourself. You're not leaning into the topics that make you feel alive, that perk you up and give you that energy that you want to bring to a social situation so that, not to impress anyone, but

just so that you'll have fun. You know what I mean? So that you have a good time. So what happens is you get there and you're like, okay, all these people hate me, even though they have met me before. This is unbearable. I'm going to stand on the corner. I'm going to slump my shoulders. And so by following through and believing that thought program, you'll end up actually manifesting that. And I don't mean in a metaphysical way. I mean, you'll bring that situation to life because your thoughts influence how you feel and how you feel influences how you act. And so you'll be acting awkward and weird and detached. You won't be making eye contact. And other people will read that as you

not being interested in talking to them or you being closed off for business socially. And so they won't end up talking to you. And so by believing that thought program, you end up creating that outcome. Now, alternatively, if you're about to go out and you're like, cool, this is gonna be really fun. I can't wait to meet these people. And it's going to be interesting. I heard, you know, this person's taking me, they're cool. So they must know cool people. I'm excited to see what this is all about. And you go there and you arrive. I was joking with a friend about this recently is that this is one of the key words that people say that you can tell they've been meditating a long time. Like

if you listen for this and Eric, I know you'll have like a million people in mind. Someone that says arising all the time, you know, is someone who's like a million people in mind. Someone that says arising all the time, you know, is someone who's like a hardcore meditator. Right, right. Okay, so anyway, for people who are listening, that's because you're constantly thinking about the world, but you're also paying attention to what's emerging in your body in terms of thoughts and feelings and impulses.

And so that's often the word is arising to describe that. Okay, so when you arise at a party, when you arrive at a party, then you come with that energy of curiosity and fun. And then people see you that you've never met before. And they're like, oh, this person's awesome. Like they're, you know, sparkly eyed and they have good energy and they want to talk. And so then you become attractive and people are magnetized to you. So keeping in mind how that self-fulfilling prophecy thing works out, it translates to just every part of life, not only just social situations, but

professional situations, or even if you're just sort of like feeling like kind of a gray day, like an off day, if you wake up and you're just like, you know, I feel kind of tired, like this day sucks, I feel lazy. And then you're like, I have to go to the grocery store. I don't have anything to eat. Then instead of going like, okay, this is going to suck. I'm just going to get it out with being, taking a pause and being like, I'm just like writing this miserable story in my brain right now about what the future is going to be like. I don't know what the future is going to be like. Why am I shaving down my experience of my own life to this miserable little nub? Let me shift my mindset and expand and move into this experience with some

openness and curiosity. And what happens is that whenever you do that, you walk into the store instead of going like, all right, where's the broccoli? You walk in and you go, this is bizarre that this plant was grown like, you know, 500 miles from here. And that some time along the course of human history, some person saw this green little tree and was like, that looks delicious. And they figured out how to apply fire to it and make it. And it's just, they're stacked perfectly in a geometrical pattern in ice right here. And then what is ice?

Ice, we figured out that somehow there's like this liquid that whenever you push the particles close enough together, it turns into something solid that can burn you and kill you or keep you alive. Like you need to reduce your inflammation, get in the ice bath. You need to, you know, but yet you don't want too much ice or else it'll freeze you. It's like this bizarre thing, you know? And then that wonder then accelerates all of your positive feel good chemicals in your brain. Then all of a sudden you go from having this great crappy day to, you know, having fun laughing and just kind of exploring the miraculous nature of being. And so it really, that type of mindset shift works anywhere. As long as

the only key is you have to just remember to do it. I wanted to pause for a quick good wolf reminder. This one's about a habit change and a mistake I see people making. And that's really that we don't think about these new habits that we want to add in the context of our entire life, right? Habits don't happen in a vacuum. They have to fit in the life that we have. So when we just keep adding, I should do this, I should do that, I should do this, we get discouraged because we haven't really thought about what we're not going to do in order to make that happen. So it's really helpful for you to think about where is this going to fit and what in my life might I need to remove. If you want a step-by-step guide for how you can easily build new habits that feed your good wolf, go to goodwolf.me slash change and join the free masterclass. Yeah, I love that idea of shaving

our existence down to a nub, right? By saying that we know how it's going to be, we are to some extent, you know, causing it to be that way. I may not be as optimistic as you to believe that by thinking that the grocery store is going to be good means I'm going to have a great time at the grocery store. But I certainly know that I at least have a chance to have a good time at the grocery store. You know, I used to see this with coaching clients all the time, whatever it was they wanted to change, we would get off to a great start. We're doing great. You know, how are you doing? Oh, I'm good. I'm good, I guess. to a great start. We're doing great. You know, how are you doing? Oh, I'm good. I'm good. I guess.

Okay. And then they would be like, but I've started good before. And then I end up quitting. I end up giving up. I'm like, okay, I recognize that. It's good to know what your tendencies are. And that voice doesn't know the future. The joke I always make is if it does, let's go to the track. Let's go to the horse racing track now because that would be a great thing. Yeah. And there's nothing you can do about that today. You can't control whether two weeks from now you stop doing something, right? You just focus on it today, but it's that self-fulfilling prophecy because the more you believe that you can't do it, then that actually drives motivation down, right? We know motivation goes up when you feel good and confident and down when you feel negative. So you're driving your motivation down

and you're making it more likely that indeed you are going to stop doing it based on this prophecy that I always screw this up. A hundred percent. And this is one of the things that I really use throughout the course of the book, because ultimately what we're getting to, and it's a reason why I start with mapping out these mental tools. I kind of call it some mental house cleaning at the beginning, all these negative thinking habits of, you know, self-consciousness, imposter syndrome, overthinking, making these assumptions about reality, like we talked about. All of these negative thinking habits are just what have happened, right? It's just what we've experienced

in life. And we just happen to get into this routine. It's like, why do you brush your teeth in the shower as opposed to brushing it in front of the sink? Well, no reason. It's just what you happen to get in the habit of doing. And our negative thinking habits are the same way. And what happens with those habits over time is they limit what we experience. And whenever they limit what we experience for long enough, we then get used to what we're experiencing and we mistake what is happening now as what's normal. Therefore, what is all that's possible as opposed to what is really available for us in life. And so that's possible, as opposed to what is really available for us in life. And so that's why I start describing these things, ways that we can break these negative thinking habits so that we can start to see a new landscape in our life

and really start believing that the things that we want to do, the things we want to achieve, who we want to be, are really within reach. And the self-fulfilling prophecy is one of the thinking habits we can use in a positive way to start building that. Because to get there, what we need is self-confidence. For example, someone's listening to this and they want to start a podcast and they go, I want to be as successful as Eric as a podcaster. I want to be as awesome as Eric and have all the same guests. Then they go, well, generally someone is going to think, you know, but who am I? I'm just some random person. I got

1000 Instagram followers. I don't, you know, have any contacts. Like I probably, I can't do this. Now that's a limiting thought program. That's, you know, a habitual way of thinking where someone is stopping before they even start. So what they need is they need the confidence to be able to go like, you know what, let me try. Let me just start working towards it and go on this journey, see what happens, know that it's going to be, you know, this growth process and so forth. But to get there, what one can do is they need to start kind of building meaning and purpose in that feeling of fulfillment. And that's how you can start building this level of confidence. So if you're following through this, as you mentioned, the self-fulfilling prophecy thing, where you're recognizing how you're

feeling in the moment, what your outlook and your mindset is, and you're taking a time to realign that, to realign your perception, to check in with like what your mindset is, what your outlook is, how you're approaching life, how you're relating to your thoughts. You start doing that more consistently. And by doing that more consistently, by approaching your life with a sense of curiosity and openness and wonder, as opposed to dread and limitedness, then you start experiencing more. And then your self-awareness starts to increase because you're paying more attention to what

you're feeling, what you're thinking. And as your self-awareness starts to increase, you start seeing little things about yourself that you want to change. You go, oh, you know what? I should actually like start dressing a little bit sharper. That's going to make me feel better. I should start eating better. I should start like exercising. I need to like reach out to my friends more so I feel more connected to people. I need to start spending more time and prioritizing the things in life that actually make me feel good instead of just feeling guilty for sneaking those things in whenever I feel like I can get away with it. And whenever you start doing those things, all of the neuroplasticity in your brain starts to change. Your whole outlook starts to change and you start to feel a little

better about yourself. You start to feel more able to trust your instinct because you had that instinct and you trusted it in a very small way. And by doing that and making a small change, you can look back and go, you know what? There is a receipt. I just trusted that. I did that. Now I feel better. I feel just a little bit, one degree better. So maybe now that I have that little tiny bit of self-trust and just proof that I was able to do that, let me do that a little bit more. And so you do that a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more. And all of a sudden sudden now you're going through life feeling like, you know what? I just kind of trust my instinct. I feel good about myself. And you're able to go and do something like start a podcast with some confidence and some

self-belief as opposed to just living in this world where that's not possible for you. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like... Why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts?

His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really No Really, sir. Bless you all.

Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really No Really. Oh, no, really. Oh, really. No, really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

It's called Really, No, Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You hit on something really important there, which is the incremental nature of those things there isn't usually you're going to do like one little thing and you're going to feel 50 times better you're going to feel one percent better maybe right yeah but that one percent like you said if instead of expecting we should feel 50 better and being like well that didn't work whatever cory just said to do didn't work because I still feel mostly the same. And you look for the little bit that's better that will allow you to keep going. And that's what it takes. At least my experience is changing something like our thought patterns is something that is absolutely doable and is an incremental affair generally. Not that some people don't have

dramatic epiphanies and awakenings, but even those often need a lot of integration time. It took me 50 years to get this thinking habit engaged. Now, hopefully a lot of people are starting to do this earlier, but still, I'm not going to undo it that quickly. But it is that incremental nature and looking for the small victories, which then make us more likely to do the thing again. 100%. You know, we were talking yesterday and you mentioned how there was just a lot of ground covered in the book. And that's why I covered a lot of ground because it's a plan. You know, it starts at where a person is today and leads them through all the things we're talking about to getting them to, basically, I want to get them to how I feel in life now. You know, I don't mean that in my egoic way or anything. It's

just like, I feel good. I feel confident and I have self-belief and I can do things. But I also have all of the negative thoughts, you know, don't, let's not forget I'm bald and unlovable, but you know, like, like lest we forget. Do we need to talk about this afterwards? You really. By experiencing this path, you know, it's, it's shown me a direct way of like the incremental steps and blocks you need to be able to unpack and get out of that limiting way of thinking into one where you can become your version of extraordinary. And I love that you mentioned the intermitteness because one of the chunks I put in there is set attainable goals. You know, that's one of the keys.

We don't like the feeling of failure. like you mentioned, this 50% increase, whenever it doesn't happen for us, because inevitably it's not possible, then we're going to go, well, that sucks. I can't do it. But alternatively, we like feeling good about ourselves. Surprise, surprise. So if you set an attainable goal, then whenever you achieve it, you're like, I'm pretty awesome. I just achieved that. And so you set another attainable goal and you go, Hey, look, I did it again. Hey, look, I did it again. And now a year later, you've like, I've done 365 small things to contribute to me having a better life next year. And again, it all goes back to confidence, belief, self-trust and clarity. Yeah. I think it's one of the things that the sort of modern wellness industry has,

I think it's done a lot of good things in the world. I mean, obviously, I'm part of it, you're part of it. But I think one of the things that it has done, that is a disservice is the over promising things like I'm going to pick on a popular podcaster here. And this is not entirely fair, but I'm just going to use it because it came to mind, which is Andrew Huberman's a big fan of like getting out and having a little bit of time in the morning, like getting some light. I think this is great. It's an absolutely good thing to do. It helps. But sometimes we oversell something like that to the point that like if we go out and we do it and we, we are expecting something more than, oh, that was kind of a nice way to start my morning, right? We're expecting that suddenly like we are expecting something more than, oh, that was kind of a nice way to start my morning.

Right? We're expecting that suddenly, like, we are going to be transformed by 15 minutes of sunlight. Right? As if humans had never had the thought of, like, you know, being outside before, you know? Exactly. And some of this we bring on ourselves because we want the silver bullet. Right? We want the easy answer. If we feel lousy, of course we bring on ourselves because we want the silver bullet, right? We want the easy answer.

If we feel lousy, of course, we want to feel better quickly. You know, I mean, hell, I pursued this to the gates of insanity and death with heroin. I mean, I'm very familiar with this thing, but that sort of realistic expectation is really, really important because it's what gives us the fuel to go on. Because to your point, you don't do something that you don't think is going to work or that you think you're failing at. And so I think that that idea is really important. You start the book off very early by saying that people who elevate their lives all have one thing in common. They believe that more is possible for them. And I was really struck

by that because it's a very obvious statement on one level, like, of course. And it's easy to get into like saying like, oh, well, that's just positive thinking. But actually, it's not. It's this very practical thing. And I think that the belief that more is possible is for me what the important piece is, because I don't know what kind of temperament I have, a melancholic enough temperament. As soon as somebody starts trotting out the rainbows and stuff, I'm like, eh, you know, like, let me tell you why that won't work. But possible I can get to. Possible I can get to. I can just go, well, maybe it is possible. You know, maybe it is possible that I can become a good writer. Yes. Yes. That's the big challenge that I'm sort of right up against right now. And I can

look at my writing right now and I can objectively be like, well, it's okay, but it's not great. Yeah. But the fact that I believe it's possible that I'm going to get better, not like you're so great, like not that just you can get better. Yeah. Makes such a big difference. Yeah. And I mean, first off, it truly does. And I mean, you know, we already know that you're going to turn into a great writer because you just used a double entendre. You said, right. And I'm right on that writing. It's really true. I mean, and that's what I think is so important to me about anything is practicality and just realness being like, let's not just serve up a bunch of positive thinking bullshit.

Let's look at the fundamental aspects of human nature. Let's understand what we're all experiencing and figure out how to just move forward a little bit internally. And, you know, I like that you zeroed in on that statement because one of the ways that I, you know, let's say downloaded the architecture for this book, the whole structure was through my Instagram following and my newsletter and whatnot. You know, I'm reaching at least a million people a week with my writing. And over the last, at least a year, a little over a year, what I would do is I started taking really clear notes on how people are commenting, what posts that they're responding to, how people are engaging, what DMs, you know,

I'm getting, you know, a hundred DMs a day or more or whatever from people. What are they saying? How are they responding? And not just like, what are the words, but like, if you've ever read that book, the 21 Ineffable Laws of Marketing, I think that's what it's called. One of the really valuable keys in there is put your mind in the mind of the prospect. And I think that's what I do with writing and with creating this stuff a lot. It's like, let me visualize what is the experience in a person's life that would have them read something online and comment X to it. What are they going through that? Why would they say that? And I started really thinking about these things because I'm so curious in terms of like, I know what I think people want, right? But that's just my perception. I wanted to try and figure out like, what is the

cultural texture actually asking for? The biggest thing I noticed, and really each of the chunks of my book that I laid out are based on consistency. Seeing these issues, these problems arise again and again and again and again, I thought, you know what, here it is. It's telling me what everyone needs. And so I put it into a linear path and applied, you know, my own experience to it to make it all zip together. But the biggest thing that I noticed that everyone seems to feel, and this was really fascinating to me because I wouldn't have thought, and you can insert an ad right there. No, but this is really fascinating to me that I wouldn't have thought this is that everyone feels like they are right before being able to get to something great. They feel like they're right there.

They can feel the possibility that it's like right within their fingertips and that they deserve it and that they could do it. And they're like, yes, that could be me. But they can't seem to figure out how to find the way through the tunnel from this version of their life to the other version of their life that they're imagining that is whatever that means for them. That could be finding a partner, starting a business, going on and on and on. Become a cult leader. I just, sorry, wisdom without levity is a tragedy. Did you just make that up? That was from my first book. So I'm self-quoting like a true asshole. Yeah. Like a true cult leader. Fucking hell.

So that's the feeling. And that's what fascinated me. That's why the cornerstone of the book is teaching someone, how can we get someone to find that level of self-clarity and belief and actually motivate to that place of, like you said, like, you know what, that's possible. And it's not this thing of like, well, I'm going to dunk on LeBron James. It's like, no, that's not what we're talking about here. Right, right. This just takes me back to, you know, the work of Carol Dweck and the growth mindset, which is just very simple, which is if you believe you can get better, you actually will. And if you don't believe you can get better, you won't. And, you know, it doesn't say anything about how good you can get. I mean, like to your point,

like there's no way I'm going to dunk on LeBron James. That's not happening in my lifetime, but I could become a hell of a lot better basketball player if I wanted to. Right. That's the element of that. That's really helpful. This is going to cover us back over some of what we've talked about before, but I just want to hit it again because I just love this phrase and then we're going to have run out of time. But clarity is realizing your mind is full of assumptions. I love that you picked that one out for a plethora of reasons. One is because it's kind of one of my favorite phrases I've ever come up with. Whenever I've posted that on Instagram, some people really, it blows their mind

and they see it and they love it. And other people, it just sounds like white noise, you know, and so it's kind of fun. And that's the perfect reaction for a statement like that, right? But the other reason I love that you said it is because I literally, out of all the things in the book, this morning when I was writing a newsletter,

I picked that sentence to focus on. Oh. How bizarre is that, right? newsletter, I picked that sentence to focus on. Oh. It's how bizarre is that, right? We're in sync. Yes, we are. Also, I have your computer tapped. I probably would have had yours tapped. Oh, yeah. I guess so. Well, I was thinking if you were taking notes then, but maybe turns out, I love the idea that we both have each other's screens for taps.

have each other's screens for tabs. So yes, this is a really valuable concept to think about. We make assumptions about everything all the time. As we're going through our lives, we're creating these stories about what's real, what's happening. And I don't mean what's real in the terms of, as you said, there's a thousand locusts or whatever on the wall over there, but in terms of like, what's situational realness, relational realness, a sense of, you know, like we're talking of what's, what's possible, what's actually happening. And what our mind does, this little jerk and awesome guy called the hippocampus, part of our brain, it fills in the gaps in our story that we're writing for ourselves in our mind. And that can be, well, first off, it's necessary because to be a person, to be conscious, you have to feel like the story is

continuous. So we fill in these gaps all the time so that we never run out of conscious experience, material and narrative. But also what happens is as we started talking about the beginning of the podcast, is that our, you know, the memories of negative self, the bad imprintations, the traumas, the moments we've been denied, the moments we've been embarrassed, these things lurk in our subconscious and they often try and come back to steal away from the present moment because ultimately what they're doing is they're trying to protect us from feeling that way again. So whenever we have those negative feelings, those negative things arise, generally what's happening is it's going, that was horrible to feel that way. Let's continuously scan the environment so that we can try and recognize situations where we might feel

that way again, and then send up emotions that scares us away, that it feels dangerous so that we don't get near that situation. So we won't have to feel that again. That's why, and it happens from the same part of the brain, the amygdala, the lower brain, the fight or flight part of the brain, the animal brain. That's why if you go up next to a raging river, it feels scary. It's like, why would a river feel scary? It's not scary. It's just a river. But we get close to the edge of the river bank. You feel like a magnetic thing pushing against you. You feel fear of like, whoa, better not get too close to that. It's the same part of the brain on an animal level, on a physical level, pushing us back because it's going, don't go in there. That's dangerous. Get back. And so we're moving backwards. Emotionally and psychologically, the same thing happens in situations where our brain recognizes

that we could be vulnerable, that we could feel embarrassed or whatever. Again, it literally sends us the same feeling and goes, shut that down. And it's down to do that however it needs, you know, to tell whatever nasty thing it needs to tell you to keep you away from putting yourself in the situation, right? So as we move through life, what generally happened is that in those gaps in our story, we will have these negative things be inserted to try and keep us protected from getting surprised by a negative situation again. So to really break that down into an example, say that you text a friend and then you don't hear from them in six hours. You know, that's weird. Then you don't hear from them for the rest of the night and you're like, huh, well, that's unusual. that's weird. Then you don't hear from them for the rest of the night. And you're like, huh,

well, that's unusual. And then a day goes by and now what, where are we? Right? Now we start thinking, what does this person, like, did I do something to this person? Are they mad at me? They don't think I'm like worth responding to? Are they like blowing me off? Like, what's the deal here? You know? And so that's the moment wherever your brain, your mind is inserting imagination into the story. And so that's, this is back to this clarity is realizing your mind is full of assumptions. In that moment, and we're going to get over to some like practical application now. So in those moments in life, like this text message thing, whenever you recognize that you're feeling a certain way like that in that moment, you just stop and you label like, what actual information am I dealing with? And where am I just filling in the gaps? Right? So you're like, okay, I texted this person,

they haven't responded. That's all the information I have. All this other stuff about them being mad at me, about me thinking the last time that we talked about how this could be why they're mad at me. That's all imagination. And so being able to recognize that and release it and not turn it into this thing to where now it's controlling your behavior. It's controlling how you're moving to the world. And now you have a kind of a fear, a negative sense of self. And that again, how you are feeling influences what you think, how you think influences how you act. So now you're going through your day with that energy. Now we get into the self-fulfilling prophecy thing that we talked about earlier.

Now you're used to it. This is this whole cycle that starts spinning up, right? And so by recognizing that that's happening, you can break that cycle. So whenever your friend then texts you two days later and says, Hey man, I was traveling. I'm sorry. I just got your text now. I'd love to have dinner and catch up tomorrow. Then you can go great. As opposed to being like, ah, why did I spend two days beating myself up over this? So the more in life that we can realize that when we're making those assumptions, the more, you know, time we'll spend outside of that self beating up, you know, reality toxifying type of situation. Yeah, I really like that. So listener, in thinking about that and all the other great wisdom from

today's episode, if you were going to isolate just one top insight that you're taking away, what would it be? Remember, little by little, a little becomes a lot. Change happens by us repeatedly taking positive action. And I want to give you a tip on that. And it's to start small. It's really important when we're trying to implement new habits to often start smaller than we think we need to. Because what that does is it allows us to get victories. And victories are really important because we become more motivated when we're feeling good about ourselves and we become less motivated when we're feeling bad about ourselves. So by starting small and making sure that you succeed, you build your motivation for

further change down the road. If you'd like a step-by-step guide for how you can easily build new habits that feed your good wolf, go to goodwolf.me slash change and join the free masterclass. Beautiful. Well, that is an excellent place for us to wrap up. Amazingly, it's time to wrap up. It feels like we just got started, but I think according to the clock, it's time. Thank you so much for coming on, Corey. I'm really excited to have gotten to talk with you again. Your book is called Brave New You,

A Roadmap to Believing That More Is Possible. Thanks. Thank you so much, Eric. I really appreciate you having me on. As always, it was just really fun and just great to talk to you. Thank you. If what you just heard was helpful to you, please consider making a monthly donation to support the One You Feed podcast.

When you join our membership community with this monthly pledge, you get lots of exclusive members-only benefits. It's our way of saying thank you for your support. Now, we are so grateful for the members of our community. We wouldn't be able to do what we do without their support, and we don't take a single dollar for granted. To learn more, make a donation at any level, and become a member of the One You Feed community, go to oneyoufeed.net slash join. The One You Feed podcast would like to sincerely thank our sponsors for supporting the show. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like...

Why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor what's in the museum of failure and does your dog truly love you we have the answer go to really know really.com and register to win 500 a guest spot on our podcast or a limited edition sign jason bobblehead the really know really podcast follow us on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts