The One You Feed - How to Turn Life's Pain into a Path of Meaning and Joy with Danielle LaPorte

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't. have instead of what we do, we think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking.

Starting point is 00:00:37 Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf. How many times have you been angry about something and immediately jump to, but I should be grateful or disappointed by you? someone and rush straight to, well, everyone's doing their best. Danielle Laporte, who's a speaker, a poet, a painter, and member of Oprah's Super Soul 100, has a phrase for this that I absolutely love.

Starting point is 00:01:12 She calls it putting spiritual sweetener on it. And while perspective is really important, so is allowing ourselves to feel the real messy human emotions and not going straight to the enlightened response. Because when we do that, all those feelings that we're trying to transcend, they don't necessarily go away. They fester. They leak out as passive aggression or resentment or secret grudges. The key takeaway in this conversation for me was permission to feel the hard stuff first, to have the courage to stop, to admit this is what's happening, this is what I feel,

Starting point is 00:01:46 and then take the next right step. I'm Eric Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. We are conducting a survey to find out what you want. Look, you know this, I know this. there's ads on this podcast. It's how the podcast stays alive and feeds those of us who devote ourselves to it. But I'd love to improve that ad experience for you. And in order to do that, though, I need to know a little bit more about you. The survey is quick, it's easy, and it is really important to us right now. It takes two minutes to do and really would be a huge help.

Starting point is 00:02:21 Go to one you feed.net slash survey. Again, that's one you feed.net slash survey. Thank you. you so much. Now streaming on Paramount Plus. It's the epic return of Mayor of Kingstown. Warden? You know who I am. Starring Academy Award nominee Jeremy Renner. I swear in these walls. Emmy Award winner Edie Falco. You're an ex-con who ran this place for years. And now, now you can't do that. And Bafto Award winner Lenny James. You're about to have a plague of outsiders descend on your town. Let me tell you this. It's got me consequences. Mayor of Kingsdown, new season now streaming on Paramount Plus. Hi, Daniel. Welcome to the show. Hi, everybody. I'm very happy to have you on as we were talking

Starting point is 00:03:03 about before we got started. I recorded an interview with you. It was quite some time ago and was the first time I ever tried to record an interview without Chris, my partner with me, and I blew it. And so we've never been able to air it. So I'm very excited to have you back and get to have this conversation again. I didn't know it was the first time you tried to record it solo. that here we are yeah i happen to be out of town and i've got it all down now i've got it figured out but i didn't then so we learn learn as you go so um your latest book is called white hot truth clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path from one seeker to another and we'll get into that book in just a minute but let's start like we normally do with a parable there's a

Starting point is 00:03:47 grandfather who's talking with his grandson he says in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops, and he thinks about it for a second, and he looks up at his grandfather, and he says, well, grandfather, which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed. So I'd like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do. I love that parable. always choose, I think, you know, the most important word in all of this is choose, but always choose generosity. I feed my capacity to be generous. Yeah, there's a line that's in your book and it was in

Starting point is 00:04:37 one of your previous books too. You've got this idea of, in the latest book you call it, reframing your obligations into conscious choices. Can you talk about that? Because that is so important to me in my life. Well, I think, you know, this is part of getting in the driver's seat of your life and really being an intentional creator and completely washing out any victim mentality out of your consciousness. You know, the worst extreme is that the kind of robotic, unconscious way of living have a really long list of obligations, all these things that we think we need to do. And in that approach, there's a lack of choice. There's a woo, so woe is me. There's a, you know, life is happening to you. And I don't think it happens that way at all. Or you can choose. You can choose

Starting point is 00:05:32 that other, that positive wealth doesn't happen to happen that way. So to push most people's thinking on this, the push back would be, well, what about feeding my kids? That's an obligation. What about taking care of my ailing, aging parents? That's an obligation. What about my mortgage? I got to pay my mortgage. You actually don't have to do any of those things. You could choose to be unethical. You could choose to be careless. You could choose to be lawless. But you're still making a conscious choice to be a good son or daughter and a loving parent and a responsible mortgage holder. So, you know, when you frame everything is a choice, you're empowered. It's a completely different energetic approach to things. Yeah, I agree 100%. I have that same kind of conversation with myself and with other people,

Starting point is 00:06:27 which is like, no, you don't have to do that thing that you just said you have to do. I mean, you could get on a bus tomorrow and hide in California and live on the streets if you wanted to. Like, you've got lots of options. And whenever I remember that, it is so helpful to me to get me out of that like you said the woe is me or I have to do this I have to do that it just it opens me up so much to realizing that I am you know the author of my own life to some degree and I heard you somewhere recently and I don't know where I heard it but you were making this list of all the things in our lives we choose we choose what we eat for dinner we choose what dishes we put in our cabinet we choose what you know what art goes on our walls or on our desk and

Starting point is 00:07:09 and that how we are making so many choices in life and that being artistic and creative is really about making choices, and we can bring that artistic or creative spirit into everything that we do. You know what I think is really key about what you said about the choices and the obligations is there's a lot of different choices that we can make. So when you move out of that the weight, I mean, even saying the word obligation, it's just such a heavy crap word, you know, when you move out of the weight of that and you're still feeling resentment, I mean, there's lots of stuff to resent. There's lots of stuff that is not fun to do in life that you still choosing to do.

Starting point is 00:07:47 You can start to make different choices under that commitment you're making. So it's like, yeah, I'm taking care of my aging parents and it's heavy duty. But, you know, if I move more into the power of choice, then maybe I could get someone to take a shift for me. Maybe I could ask for some of my inheritance money now to cover the bills. maybe you know what maybe they don't need as much attention and care as I thought and I'm just doing a set of guilt and I can lay off and I can have a vacation so there's this loosening when you loosen up on the weight of obligation then your creativity starts to flow it gets lighter exactly so I want to circle back this leads us right into one of the topics I had which was you know a theme

Starting point is 00:08:35 early in the book and really through a lot of the book you say that my spiritual path had become another to-do list. So in this case, you know, we were just talking about obligations and a lot of us turn the spiritual path into yet another obligation. Well, I think in this case, it's more about it being another thing to achieve. So then it becomes an obligation. I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to be more giving. I'm going to be in better shape. I'm going to be more healthy. I'm going to be more evolved. I'm going to think more clearly. And with that achievement and tension, then there's so many things you can put on your to-do list. It's another workshop. It's having to meditate. It's having to pray. It's a new wellness regime. It's all sorts of to-dos. And I mean,

Starting point is 00:09:24 to-dos are great if they're getting you somewhere that's more fulfilling. If you like you're really feeling expanded. And ideally, you know, your tutors are awesome. They go from good to great. If you're experiencing some joy on the way to expanding, it's like there's many times, there's many parts of my quote unquote spiritual practice that aren't easy. And they require some discipline. And, you know, I meditate on a regular basis. and it's not always fun working my day around that I have to get up earlier. I got to make my kids lunch at night so I can have my 15 minutes or my half an hour, whatever it is in the morning, to sit and do my thing.

Starting point is 00:10:15 I still struggle with feeling like I'm not up to my commitment as a planetary citizen if I didn't sit that morning and send some light to the world or pray for victims of the hurricane or do whatever I think I need to do that day. I don't feel like anybody's keeping score anymore. I'm free to choose the practice that works for me. And that's what's changed for me. It's like I am choosing joy-inducing practices, the yoga that works for me. It's not the hardcore hot yoga.

Starting point is 00:10:50 It's a really chill stuff, the exercise that works for me. It doesn't have to be every day a week, just three days a week is cool. you know the kind of meditation that works for me it turns out i go out of my mind if i sit for long periods of time and watch my in breath and watch my out breath and try to empty my mind it's not how i'm wired i choose something that fits my personality that fills me up big difference way more fulfilling to be devoted when the practice itself has some delight to it yeah i agree completely and the book you're talking about the striking the balance between you say you say sincere spiritual aspiration versus the compulsion to change ourselves. One of the central themes of

Starting point is 00:11:35 this show that I'm asking all the time is that like, how do we balance that idea of, you know, I'd like to be a better person, I'd like to do this, I'd like to do that, you know, having some ambition and also being content right where you are with what you have. And I'm just interested in your thoughts on how you work through striking that balance. Well, I think you have to ask yourself the question, why do you want to be a better person? It sounds like, you know, ironic and a bit banal, but like, why? Is it to impress your God? Is it to make more money? Is it some guilt programming that you got from your parents or your church? Is it part of being cool in your self-help in your new age circle? Are you like to really just polishing your halo? I've

Starting point is 00:12:20 always loved that phrase. Or do you feel better when you're a better person? do you feel more expanded and more loving and sexier and more flexible and more intelligent and more in touch with life and your version of God when you're doing your version of being a better person so like two very different motivations yeah I agree and I think for me all that stuff has gotten to a point where I do most of it simply as a way to feel better it does make me feel better. I mean, exercise. I say this on the show all time. I'm sure people are perhaps tired of hearing it. But it's not about how I look anymore. That's a side benefit. It's not so much that I'll die in 20 years versus 15. It's really like for my day-to-day mental health and meditation

Starting point is 00:13:10 kind of falls into the same boat and eating right falls into the same boat. They're all things that relieve suffering in my life. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Relief suffering and creates joy at the same time. Like there's a tipping point. There's a tipping point, I think, if you do it for the right reasons. Right. Here's a question I've got for you, because a lot of us are driven to spiritual practice and things like meditation and yoga and eating well and all those different things

Starting point is 00:13:40 because we are in pain. That's where a lot of this starts. And what I've seen with a lot of people is that once the pain goes away, so does the desire to do some of these things. How have you worked with people through that, you know, once they kind of have moved from being in pain and not sort of settling back into okay everything's okay now well i think everybody does that to some degree you're going to slip off track and getting off track is part of deepening your devotion it's like ah i didn't meditate this week i don't feel as useful i'm not thinking

Starting point is 00:14:16 as clearly okay i'm going to at least get three days in this week or five days or whatever so I have a lot more compassion for myself when I get off track. I think, you know, what you're talking about can be laziness. It can, like sometimes we just need to call ourselves on it. Like, you know, my current question right now, I'm about to do big speaking gig this weekend to people who, you know, they self-identify as like high achievers. And I really want to put it to them and say like, really, come on, how devoted are we? because personally, I'm really interested in going the distance. I think it's not enough to kind of be on the self-help path or to kind of be kind.

Starting point is 00:15:00 Like with the current state of the world and the psychology for most of us, I mean, personally as someone who considers himself, it's not enough for me to just be a good person. I have to be engaged. It's not enough for me to just donate a little bit of money here and there. I've got to bake philanthropy into my business model. It's not enough for me to just quietly meditate. I need to be vocal about what I think is ideal, you know, an ideal society to live in.

Starting point is 00:15:28 Like, I've got to go the distance. So we take a few steps forward with our practice. We eat right. And then we go back to sleep. You know, commit. Commit. I think that's like where some tough love comes in. Like, are you in?

Starting point is 00:15:46 are not. And let me tell you, devotion is not easy, but it's worth it. And it's just like, you know, your relationship with spirit. It's not a cakewalk. And this is part of, it's like your relationship with anything, any person, rough parts requires commitment and seeing it through and being flexible. And I think this is part of the dogma, the bill of goods that we've been getting for a long time from the new age, which is, once you're on the path and you learn how to follow your intuition and you really realize that you're one with humanity, then there's this grace and there's this flow that comes into your life. Well, I can tell you, I'm on the path. I'm very devoted to the path. I'm devoted to teaching by the path. And that has not been my

Starting point is 00:16:39 experience. There is a, there is a lot of grind. I still have extreme stuff, you know, well, extreme is an extreme way of putting it, but I still suffer very deeply. I still have intense struggles in my life, but I'm not going to get off the path because I have deeper love. I have deeper fulfillment. Easy? No, worth it? Yes. I hate to say it. I hate to say it, but the countdown is on. Holiday shopping is here. If it stresses you out, Uncommon Goods makes it easy with thousands of unique, high-quality

Starting point is 00:17:44 finds you won't see anywhere else. The most meaningful stuff goes fast, so now is the time to start crossing names off your list. Quick story, I just finished a 75-mile hike and plot twist, I learned to love toe socks. Uncommon Goods has acupressure recovery toe socks that separate your toes and press the sore spots. They look quirky and they feel amazing. It's the kind of gift that's going to get a laugh. And then a text later saying, oh my God, these are incredible. Uncommon Goods is full of fines like that, handmade and customizable.

Starting point is 00:18:16 And they donate $1 per purchase to a nonprofit you choose, over $3.1 million so far. So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15% off your next gift, go to Uncommodengoods.com slash feed. That's Uncommon Goods.com slash feed for 15% off. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. Running a small business means that I'm the recruiter, HR, and on rough weeks, the team therapist,

Starting point is 00:18:46 all before lunch. So hiring has to be simple, and it has to work. That's where LinkedIn jobs earns its keep. You can post your job for free and track qualified candidates in one place. No 35 different Google Sheets. Not that we'd know anything about that. Their new tools help you write a clear job description and get in front of the right people with deep candidate insights. You can stick with free or choose to promote.

Starting point is 00:19:11 Promoted jobs get up to three times more qualified applicants and use your community. Let folks know your hiring and add the hashtag hiring frame to your profile. People who do that see up to two times more candidates. There's a reason more than 2.5 million small businesses hire on LinkedIn. Find your next great hire. Post your job for free at LinkedIn.com slash one you feed. That's LinkedIn.com slash one you feed. Terms and conditions apply.

Starting point is 00:19:41 I think we are all looking for that silver bullet and then suddenly life will just be easy. Like I'll find the right way to meditate or I'll read the right book or I'll follow this correct practice or I'll find this new exercise and suddenly life will always be easy and that's just not the way it works. You used a word in there suffering and in your book you talk about making a distinction between pain and suffering? This is a bit of an extreme statement, but it's really worth considering for like mental clarity.

Starting point is 00:20:12 I think that often suffering is a choice. You know, suffering is optional. Pain, not always optional. So it's like a physical example. You break a bone, you feel pain. It's inevitable. The suffering is what comes after. Like, you know, it's a drag that you can't,

Starting point is 00:20:35 walk it's a drag that you have to take the medicine whatever you're incapacitated you go through a breakup the pain is the breakup itself separation the suffering is how long are you going to hold on how bitter are you going to be how long does it take you to get over it um are you choosing to forgive or you're not choosing to forgive i mean i got lots to say about not choosing to forgive and why sometimes that's actually an enlightened approach. So, yeah, I think suffering is something that you have control over, that a lot of us have control over. And I don't want to broad brush stroke this and say, you know,

Starting point is 00:21:18 someone who's in Syria right now has no choice over their suffering. That's an extreme situation. And no, you know, self-help, how to is going to help you get through that necessarily. I agree with you 100%. that the pain is happens life delivers pain it's just it's a it's a very effective pain delivery mechanism i suppose you could say but it is kind of what are the stories we tell ourselves and a lot of times for me i've started just thinking about it from a perspective of how do i just not make it worse like yes life is giving me this thing how can i just not pile on more pain with everything i'm

Starting point is 00:21:57 telling myself you know i i tell the parable the second arrow all the time you know how the first arrow is kind of that life you get shot the pain you get and then the second arrow is everything we add on top of it and it's it's so true and then you know there comes the third arrow which is I'm feeling bad about myself because I'm not able to not suffer over it and and on and on it goes lightning up can help a lot yeah yeah not Alan Watts says there will always be suffering the trick is to not suffer over the suffering to stay out of that why me it's just like Like, this is what's happening. Sometimes you don't even need to solve it.

Starting point is 00:22:36 It doesn't need to be your karma. You don't even have to look at why you created it. Just do what you have to do to not make it worse and get through it. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of other great minds, you quote Martin Buber in the book with a, I'm assuming, I think that's how you say it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:53 But I love this phrase and it says, the world is not comprehensible, but it is embracable. Yeah. Isn't that great? He's so lovely. Yeah. Yeah, what's that mean to you? You got to leave lots of room for mystery, you know, our human capacities. And I put that in quotes because, you know, I think we're spiritual beings who have crammed

Starting point is 00:23:12 ourselves into these little suitcases called bodies and made a lot of choices to forget our divinity in order to have these experiences. So are we capable of comprehending the greatness of life and how it all works? No. I think, you know, when you get to a certain point of comprehension, you don't need to You definitely do not need to be on this dimension anymore. But you can really be intentionally on this ride. Like, you know, a lot of my friends and I this past week have been talking about all the

Starting point is 00:23:45 suffering that's happening on the planet. And, you know, we're really having practical conversations. I'm about to have some friends over for dinner in the next couple weeks, talk about earthquake preparedness. We're really feeling heartbroken over what's happening politically with immigration and children in the U.S. and like, what can we do? And can I produce more meditations that go up on my website? How would I raise my money? You know, and when I really go down that rabbit hole of where the world is at, at least the, you know, the dark side of it, you know, I worry about my

Starting point is 00:24:17 grandchildren. I worry about my kid. I have a son. And is he going to be able to breathe clean air? I mean, there's so many different directions that could go in and in terms of like bad directions. here's what's getting my friends and I through right now we just go we signed up for this we chose to be born to incarnate at this time I've got something to learn and if I don't have much to learn which I think you know is unlikely at least I've got a lot to offer and I'm here I'm here now in this time of history human history for a reason so I'm going to embrace it I'm going embrace it and on the quote unquote spiritual path which i think too often is about ascension i'm going to embrace being human i'm going to love food i'm going to love all the sensual things

Starting point is 00:25:11 that come with being human from food to rock and roll to like you know great holidays amen and i'm going to do my esoteric work at the same time i mean i'm really interested in heaven on earth you know well i looked up that quote after i read it in your book and it goes on to say it's embracable by embracing the things that are in it you know by embracing the things in the world is is how it becomes embracable to us i just i loved that when i read it and i think it gets to what you were just saying it's about being here to to what's actually in the world trying to figure it out is nearly impossible but we can certainly engage with it in a real and meaningful way well you went deeper with it than I did. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:25:58 One of your favorite quotes I've ever seen of yours, and I won't get it right, but it says something to say, something along the lines of lying on the floor and listening to loud rock and roll maybe the only therapy you need. It usually is. And you know, my recommendation is to listen to Jim Morrison's American Prayer. That was like the first time I just used music. as they're just like in the dark and he's in a studio totally wasted just reciting his poetry shortly before he died and then the the remaining doors the band took those tracks and put it to music

Starting point is 00:26:43 anyway you got to do it yeah well my partner chris here is giving you the the thumbs up sign for that one for sure for sure so yeah no i'm i am a strong believer that music is definitely Definitely healing in so many different ways. I would be lost without it, I think. Yeah, me too, me too. You call something this sacred paradox, and you say transformation begins with the radical acceptance of what is.

Starting point is 00:27:09 Yes, and you know what? That is some of Krishna-Murdy's thinking, and mine, I'll give myself a little bit of credit for that, where you can't really see something until you fully accept it. And I think what a lot of us do, to try and get out of pain, like completely understandable response to pain, is we go in denial that it's not happening, like this job doesn't suck, this marriage isn't shitty, and we just keep

Starting point is 00:27:37 trucking along, or we go into solution mode of, you know, we see that something sucks and like, how are we going to get out of this? How can I come up with the money? I don't see a way through. We can't solve it. Just stop. Just stop. and accept that it's happening as awful as whatever it is is and then usually with that presence and that absence of being frantic then you can take a really clear next step you can make you know the next right decision as Oprah puts it and that's my favorite favorites of hers right now the next or the next best decision yeah and it's really hard to do because you have to suspend wanting to fix it and you have to just be in it not knowing how you're going to get out of it like you know this

Starting point is 00:28:29 marriage is brutal pause and then you figure out what you're going to do about it yeah I love that that Oprah phrase I've been in in 12 step recovery and I think the phrase I heard was very early on was just do the next right thing and that was so helpful in just like one foot in front of the other what's the next right thing to do right now and you keep doing enough of those and you end up with good things happening. Also in the book, you talk about painting over pain with premature positivity and short-circuiting the healing process, which is what you were just talking about. You've got a phrase that I love. I think a lot of people have heard the phrase, spiritual bypass, but you've got a great phrase where you talk about putting spiritual sweetener on it. Well, spiritual bypassing,

Starting point is 00:29:13 you know, I hope that this concept like really rises to the front of the self-help space. I mean, this is really what the White Hot Truth book is about. It's things like something negative happened to me. The shitty thing went down, but you know what? I'm so grateful that this happened because I should be grateful. Shouldn't I be grateful? That's a spiritual new age, enlightened thing to do. And I learned so much from this. All that may be true. But before we get there, it'd be a really good idea if we felt maybe angry, if we felt disappointed, despair, pissed off, you know, just all of those really human justifiable things, because that's what's real. And when we skip over those real human emotions and then move straight to the, you know,

Starting point is 00:30:11 the more quote unquote spiritual approach, that stuff just festers. And what happens is, you know, the same person who pissed you off a year ago, you know, a year after you've been repressing it, then you have some fantastic, passive, aggressive interaction with them. And they're just like, where is this coming from? And you realize you've actually secretly been holding your grudge against them for quite a long time. Or it comes out in other ways. I mean, what's repressed? We'll find a way to sneak out. Also, if we're not feeling our anger, it disables us from creating justice and creating change. It's like, there's a lot of reasons to be very angry about things that are happening in our political

Starting point is 00:30:55 system. And that anger is clarifying. That anger, you know, helps you stand up straight and use your voice and create change. And there are many occasions where it's just not the time to say, well, you know, this is karma unfolding. We're all learning something. That's bullshit passivity. boarding for flight 246 to Toronto is boarding for flight 246 to Toronto is The late 50 minutes. Ugh, what? Sounds like Ojo time.

Starting point is 00:31:52 Play Ojo? Great idea. Feel the fun with all the latest slots in live casino games and with no wagering requirements. What you win is yours to keep groovy. Hey, I won! Boarding will begin when passenger fisher is done celebrating. 19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Concerned by your gambling or that if someone close to you, call 1866-3-3-1-2-60 or visitcomex Ontario.ca. That's annoying.

Starting point is 00:32:17 What? You're a muffler. You don't hear it? Oh, I don't even notice it. I usually drown it out with the radio. How's this? Oh, yeah. Way better. Save on insurance by switching to Bel Air Direct and use the money to fix your car. Bell Air Direct. Insurance, simplified. Conditions apply. I agree with you that what we repress ends up showing up. And it's funny you were mentioning anger and passive aggressiveness. And I was just thinking about that earlier today. I was looking at a situation in some of the other work that I do. And I was like, I'm being passive aggressive to that person because I've not said, what I'm frustrated about. And it was a, I was all of a sudden like, oh, yeah, and that's not a good, that's not a good leader. Anger is the one that I struggle with. I've gotten pretty good at being sad and allowing sadness to occur and, and flow through me and not afraid of that. But I think anger is the one for me. How about you? Is there one that you still are more inclined to run from?

Starting point is 00:33:10 That's a great question. I think mine is disappointment. And instead of just like being, with the disappointment like I got let down I let myself down that's that's where I was spiritual bypassed and I'll just be like well everybody's trying their best and I'm so capable I can do it I'll take care of it and I shouldn't have asked for that much or I should have tried harder and it's really not cool as a leader I mean just to like get deeper into it for me it's a personality thing it's an enneagram thing so like on the enneagram I'm four you don't even need to know how the anagram works but what I'll tell you is that my weakness is that I'll just do it myself it's actually not a strength and so when I'm disappointed

Starting point is 00:34:01 that's the default I go into I'll just do it myself and that that's not it's not cool because then I get well I get overworked and it also doesn't allow people to to improve rise to the occasion then this is part of the spiritual bypass I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings as much of a take no shit kind of person that i am i'm just like well you know and i'm way better way better in the last two years at it than i used to be i used to let things just go completely and now i'm just like you know what sorry you got to redo it yeah well i'm a nine on the indiogram so i think that's peacemaker so i wrestle with the same same challenge and i get better at it when I'm really focused on it and I guess this goes back to what I was saying earlier I get I focus on

Starting point is 00:34:51 it I get better and then I sort of slide back into my old habits again and and then I like I was saying today I was realizing like okay I need to reengage with this as as be more conscious about what I'm doing here oh god listen you nines would write you would do anything other than express anger you might you might evolve to the point where you're like it's I'm okay feeling it but you actually confront somebody, it's really, I feel your pain. I have a friend, one of my best friends is in nine. And I'm just like, you know, sweetheart, just tell me, tell me what you would tell him. She's like, ah, and she gets it. I'm like, okay, now just give him 10% of that. And you will be making progress forward. Yeah. Chris just said, should I send her a picture of the black guy I gave

Starting point is 00:35:39 him last week as if I got mad enough to hit him? No, I can't imagine what he could possibly ever do that would provoke me to that. But yeah, and as a nine, as a peacemaker, I keep trying to remind myself that not saying what's going on and just stuffing it is not making peace. It seems like it, but in a deeper sense, it's just not.

Starting point is 00:36:00 And I've learned that often enough in life that you'd think I'd have it by now, but I keep learning it. Yeah, well, I mean, we're all just, it's all a big repeat. But, you know, one thing that might be helpful? Can I just give you some therapy for a second? Please.

Starting point is 00:36:16 It's more creative to speak it. I mean, I think you can totally identify it. Like, you want to create your reality. You want to be an intentional, a deliberate creator. And if you can express your anger, you're making an awesome life. You're creating more precisely. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:34 I think that is great feedback. A lot of what I wrestle with, and you had a line in your book about this, which was, you know, if your heart is just genuinely you're sort of that easy going and good-natured, um that's great versus if you're repressing all that stuff or you're not saying all that stuff because of you're afraid or you don't want to cause conflict and and i sometimes don't know that i can tell anymore right because i am fairly laid back about stuff like i'm kind of like well okay whatever but i don't know how much of that is sort of the unconscious habit over all these years of being that way and so i'm really trying to look more closely at like what's going on

Starting point is 00:37:14 underneath the surface. My initial reaction is to say, oh, everything's fine, but what's really happening underneath that and recognize? And I usually can tell, like I said, because I started become slightly passive-aggressive without really even knowing it. I just noticed that I'm irritated with the person. And then I'm like, why am I irritated with the person? I'm like, oh, because that thing that they did that I didn't think mattered two weeks ago, you know, blah, blah, blah. So for me, my body always knows when I'm angry. I mean, there's lots of reasons I could. get angry, but when I'm in that mode of like, well, okay, that's healthy. But if I feel that fire and I don't express it somehow, then I pay, I pay for it. Yep. Well, it's that idea of how

Starting point is 00:37:58 for most of us, our best trait can also be our biggest weakness if we don't deal with it, right? Yep. So another idea that you had in the book, and I really liked it, was you said that the more you can expose yourself to conflicting dogmas, the better off you are. And that seems to be something that a lot of people in the world today are simply not willing to do, is to explore anyone else's perspective on things. So why does that help us? Because I think we do have more common than we have differences. And when we realize that there's significantly less conflict because that's how you become a more loving person being able to entertain other perspectives helps i mean it helps you see what you're dealing with like it's good to know who else is

Starting point is 00:38:47 on the planet and to know you know the extent of there's a lot of density and there's a lot of darkness and there's a lot of hatred it's good to know that and also to know that the light and the love and the humanity that is living next door to you and teaching your kids and running your communities. So there's that. There's just like general awareness and just expanding your perspective. Expansion is always better than constriction. I think the healing is there in that dialogue.

Starting point is 00:39:26 I've been talking a bit about and thinking a lot about. this over the last, you know, the summer, basically the last couple months. I don't know when this is going to air, but, you know, there's a lot of strife that's happening in terms of racism and immigration and, I mean, mostly in the U.S., but we certainly have our problems in Canada as well. And I'm thinking about what would the effect be if I had some one-on-one conversations with people who identified as being racist and what would happen if we had town hall meetings and really sought to understand each other. And I think we'd find out that a lot of people who spew hatred are deeply wounded. It doesn't mean there shouldn't be justice,

Starting point is 00:40:12 doesn't justify it at all. Right. But it helps us understand because what I'm seeing is, I'm not quite comfortable with the kind of protesting that's happening right now. Now, like I'm about to go to the women's march, I'm not going to be comfortable marching and screaming. That's not who I am. So my way of protesting is, well, it's more peaceful. Yeah, I agree 100%. I am very concerned about a lot of the politics that we see and what's happening. I'm almost equally as concerned by how we are treating each other.

Starting point is 00:40:52 You reference Parker J. Palmer in your book, and he's got so many why. things to stay on this topic that that I just think he's he's got so many great ideas yeah he's brilliant and he I mean I mean talk about somebody who's face their suffering he's amazing yeah yeah well Danielle thank you so much for taking the time to come on the book as I said was called white hot truth and I really enjoyed reading it I like reading all of your stuff and I appreciate you being willing to come on yet another time Eric thank you for being so thorough and for really, I'd have to say, you know, I've done a lot of, I've had a lot of conversations about this book and you really got the subtle stuff. So this was like a total pleasure. I'm really

Starting point is 00:41:36 grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Take care. You too. Okay, bye. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I'd love for you to share it with a friend. Sharing from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don't have a big budget, and I'm certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better, and that's you. Just hit the share button on your podcast app or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

The One You Feed - How to Turn Life's Pain into a Path of Meaning and Joy with Danielle LaPorte

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.