The One You Feed - Lauren Zander on How to Work with Your Inner Dialogue

Episode Date: June 24, 2022

Lauren Zander is a life coach, university lecturer, public speaker and co-founder and chairwoman of The Handel Group. Her book, Maybe It’s You: Cut the Crap. Face Your Fears. Love Your Life, is what she and Eric discuss in this episode. Lauren has an incredibly useful approach to uncovering your limiting inner dialogue so that you can truly catapult yourself forward in life.  In this episode, Eric and Lauren discuss several strategies to work with your inner dialogue. But wait, there’s more! The episode is not quite over!! We continue the conversation and you can access this exclusive content right in your podcast player feed. Head over to our Patreon page and pledge to donate just $10 a month. It’s that simple and we’ll give you good stuff as a thank you! Lauren Zander and I Discuss How to Work with Your Inner Dialogue and … Her book, Maybe It’s You: Cut the Crap. Face Your Fears. Love Your Life. Getting conscious of the unconscious parts of yourself Her life-changing moment at 19 How much of what is plaguing us is our inner dialogue Recognizing the strategist in your head How over 80% of our thoughts are negative and are on repeat The chicken, the brat, and the weather reporter within us How your linneage, beliefs and theories create our inner dialogue Steps to managing thought patterns Learning to make and keep promises to yourself Giving ourselves consequences to change our behavior How helpful having an accountability partner is Lauren Zander links: handelgroup.com Twitter Facebook By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you! If you enjoyed this conversation with Lauren Zander, check out these other episodes: Mark Manson Danielle LaPorteSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In case you're just recently joining us, or however long you've been a listener to the show, you may not realize that we have years of incredible episodes in our archives. We've had so many wonderful guests that we've decided to handpick one of our favorites that might be new to you, but if not, it is definitely worth another listen. We hope you'll enjoy this episode with Lauren Zander. No matter what you were put into, the belief that it's meant to be and what you do with it is yours. You can do anything with your life story.

Welcome to The One You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living.

This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf. Our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for joining us. Our guest on this episode is Lauren Zander, a life coach,

university lecturer, public speaker, and co-founder and chairwoman of the Handel Group. Her book is Maybe It's You, Cut the Crap, Face Your Fears, Love Your Life. Hi, Lauren. Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. It is a pleasure to have you on. Your book is called Maybe It's You. Cut the crap, face your fears, love your life. And in it, you sort of lay out your coaching method

that you've used for years and years and years with people. So we're going to get into a lot of detail about that in a moment, but let's start like we always do with the parable. There is a grandmother who's talking to her grandson. She says, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like bravery and kindness and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and kindness and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops, thinks about it for a second.

And then he looks up at his grandfather and says, well, grandfather, which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed. So I'd like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do. Wow. Well, I would say that the work that I do addresses dark and light, like your dark side and your light side. And I would say that I get along with that parable very well because I support people in the concept of choice. And so that whole entire parable is about the choice of what you feed. And so I think that's, and then I obviously in my work help people pick light, not dark. So I would go dark, you know, bad, good, and really making those decisions consciously. So I love that. Yeah, yeah, no, you're exactly right. That is the heart of the whole thing.

So let's start with the title. Maybe it's you. Tell me about why you titled your book. Maybe it's you. And again, there's a there's a subtitle, but let's just stick with the main title. So that is a tagline and it's, you know, maybe it's me. Right. So, and that tagline changed my life every time and always does anything that's not working. And it's my life. The joke I make is, uh, maybe it's me. And, and then, and then when I get it, I cross out the maybe. Right? And so it's been this joke of the entire method. Like that principle built the whole method, right? For all of us, right? And then it doesn't make anybody really, you know, better than anybody.

It just, it's like, how well can you confront that anything that's going on in your life is because of you? Yeah, I agree. I mean, I love that idea that, you know, maybe it's you and then you cross out the maybe, right? I think that my first experience of that was I got sober from a heroin addiction at 24. And, you know, it just became so clear that like, it was all me. And that principle has served me so well in my life. And I think it's so critical to anybody who wants to make a change, even if like what you're dealing with is that you were really harmed in a bad way. If you were abused or you have trauma, at the end of the day, it's still us that has to be responsible for our

healing. And if we don't do it, nobody does. Yeah. I mean, you know, you could say in good conscience, like, I don't really think I picked my parents, right? Like, I don't know if I was really there, right? Like who was there at the picking, right? And where I was born and, you know, and what my circumstances into life were that I was just basically forced into. And so, but no matter what you were put into, the belief that it's meant to be, and what you do with it is yours. You can do anything with your life story. And I'm sorry, you know, of whatever you may have been born into. No, you know, it's pretty much a shit show, right? A lot of this world needs a lot of work. And so we are the workers, right? And so heading right

into maybe it's me and you dealing with nobody's getting you out of here except you. And by the way, you got yourself here. You really did. Right. No matter who you're pointing at or what drug you're pointing at. Right. That was, that was your hand. Right. Right. Right. Yep. Yep. And so you say, I'm just going to read something you wrote because i like it you say the gap between who you are your current state and the dream of who you want to be and all that you want to accomplish your desired state is wide its width depends on how willing you are to get conscious about what you are currently not conscious. Tell me a little bit more about what you're trying to say. It's kind of obvious, but I'd like you just to elaborate a little bit.

The premise goes right after that what you're saying to yourself and how you're relating to absolutely everything in your life is the only access to building a life. But if you can't face what's right there right now and how you're talking about everything, men, women, business, money, sex, drugs, rock and roll, like whatever you're saying and how you're saying it and how you're thinking about it, if you can't hear it all, you can't replace any of it, right? If you really think it's out there, it's not even happening, you don't even know it's you, right? So the amount that's possible to dream and build has to start with where you are right now. Right. Right. And wherever you are right now, oh, you may or may not be a present to it. But as present

as you're willing to get is the only way to take it over. Right. And we're going to get into inner dialogue a lot here in a moment because it's kind of the whole game, right? And that in action, it gets you in the whole game. Right. Yeah. But I'd like to start off by having you tell us the story about how you sort of had your first sort of big change. You know, it's a story about, about birds, but I was wondering if you could tell us that story. So I, I did an epic thing, which is I, I saved a bunch of money and I traveled alone and I had never been alone. I was 19 years old. I'd never been alone, right? With no plan, no have to go and not that much money and a backpack. And I went and stayed at a kibbutz in Israel and basically no one knew English. So I was really alone, which was really

healthy for me at that time because I got utterly stuck with myself and my, and like I had like five tape cassettes. Yes, they were tape cassettes, people. I'm that old. And I just had my time. And I read books and I had to deal with myself. And then I had this epic, real interesting moment. And I was going very spiritual at that time. I haven't come back. I'm still out there on the spirituality lane, but this is when it started deeply for me, was around this story. deeply for me was around this story. So a little voice in my head said, look in the bushes. Now, you have to understand, all I had was my own entertainment system, right? So I'm like, okay, look in the bushes, right? Who said that? And I even giggled to myself, who said that? Look in the bushes. And literally, there are two little baby birds. Like, and I'm like,

oh my God, save the birds. Right? Like, what do I do? What do I do? Like, they're two little baby birds. They have their feathers, but they can't get anywhere. And there's no nest. There's no mom. Like what the hell's going on here? And so I panic and I, I was working in the kitchen at the kibbutz and I run back and then there weren't many people who knew English. Anyway, so the one guy that did know English, oddly enough, was someone that I was, you know, like I wasn't really a coach at all yet, but I knew his whole life story. And he was in an affair for 11 years and wasn't changing his life. And we used to fight about him not going after anything. And so I run up to him and I'm like, there's two. And I try to explain it to him and go, what should I do? And he's like, looks at me like, like me, right? You pain in the ass, Lauren, right? Same as it ever was, you know, leave them alone. It's

nature, right? Like just leave it. Like, why do you have to fix this? And I'm like, right. You know, maybe he's right. I don't know what to do anyway. And it was siesta time. So I'm like, right, you know, maybe he's right. I don't know what to do anyway. And it was siesta time. So I'm like going to take a nap. I couldn't sleep as many of you could imagine. So I run back to save the birds because I'd rather save them or do something. And I came back, one was gone, one was dead. Right. And in that moment, I was really devastated and moved and upset and kind of like in my head and made a vow that, wow, I could have saved them or done something. Like I gave up my moment. Like that was my moment. I could have done something and I went and checked with someone else and I didn't check with someone I even respect.

Right. And he gave me the wrong advice. So in that moment, I swore that for the rest of my life, if I could do something, I will. That's the point of being human is I could have changed that, right? What a gift. Wow. You asked for a long story. No, I did. I did. It's a good story. It's a great story. You did. It's a good story. It's a great story. And then I literally, I took that literally. And I went back into my life and changed my entire life out of that story because there were so many things I was witnessing,

like girlfriends cheating on boyfriends and things not being said and people surviving being liars all around me. And it just made sense to me before the trip. And then when I got home, I was like, this is not okay. None of it. And then I became a little bit of a crazy evangelist, blowing shit up, which I don't recommend. I've come a long way since my 19-year-old self. But it epic and, and it was very meaningful and spiritual to me. There's nothing like the zeal of a person who has found a path that helps them. I can relate. I can relate. And incidentally, as you and I talked about before we started,

we are the same age. So I'm very familiar with cassette tapes and had a lot of them. I want to read another short thing you said that's going to lead us into another big part of the conversation. You say, much of whatever is plaguing a person is located in their inner dialogue. So let's talk briefly about that, and then I kind of want to talk about three of the voices in our inner dialogue that you have identified. Yeah. So the plague and our inner dialogue. So there is exactly how a person talks to themselves, look out, looks out in the world, sees the world, cares about what they care about, what people think about them, what they can say, what they can't say, what they're trying to get, how they're... So there's a strategist in that head of yours. And that's what I go after

throughout my entire book. And I really just am trying to take over. I'm getting a human to wake up to their inner dialogue and how much their inner dialogue they think is the truth about them. Right, right. They think it is them. You would never not wonder about what it's saying. And most people don't even really hear it. Let alone if you had to admit what it just said, you'd be horrified, right? Like you would not go public with your inner dialogue. Right. Right. And then you would, and then that's where I start at waking you up to where did those voices come from? Why are you even looking out at women that way, at life that way, at yourself that way? That's the beginning of untangling what people aren't conscious to, even though it's utterly happening

every second. Right, right. It's amazing that it can be happening all the time and we can be so identified with it and at the same time not really hear it or be conscious of it. It's this very strange phenomenon that happens, you know, because and what's happening is by not by not hearing it and knowing what it's saying, it's still affecting us. affecting us. You know, I think for me, that was a pivotal moment in life when, when I all of a sudden went, wait a second, that voice that's always talking that I assume is me is just a voice that's always talking. And it's not necessarily true. And it's not necessarily me. And that, that alone is such a huge revelation because all of a sudden you go, wow. And then we start looking at like, well, boy, it just never shuts up. And it says the same boring and stupid and negative things 10,000 times. According to science for real, over 80% of our thoughts are negative and repeat from the day before. Like we're not having new thoughts. We don't even know that we are repeating. Like we're like, God, these people suck when you drive or God,

this is always this way. Or God, like, did you know my wife, my that like, you really think you're discovering the same thing every day versus you're paying attention and repeating yourself to yourself every day. Yeah. I like to joke, like if I had a friend who was as boring, repetitive and negative as the voice in my head, we would hang out exactly one time and that would be it. I would be like, never again. Right? I overstand. Yes. I, I, I concur. I overstand. I like that. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer.

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It's called Really No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You identify a few voices in our head, and I'm just going to read what the three of them are that you identify, and then we can talk about them. You talk about the chicken, the brat, and the weather reporter. So let's start with the chicken. One of my most favorite things, which is the only way to truly identify your inner dialogue, is to get a sense of humor. Really, you need a sense of humor because going in is really fun, like yucky and ugly and funny and twisted. And you really wouldn't say that out loud, right? Like you really wouldn't, right? But you do to yourself, right? And then you turn it out and you don't even hear it, right? So going in there, you need a sense of humor. And so for me, I did. And it really works on all of us, which is the voice of the chicken is how you, you know, the squatters, the inner squatters that are warning you at all times, you know, and strategizing how to say something, how to not hurt someone's feelings, how to, how to not do something because you really might fail.

Like, you know yourself so well, you just are this way and you've never been good at that. And you don't like trying that. And, you know, the time you tried that once it didn't work. ever been good at that and you don't like trying that. And the time you tried that once, it didn't work. So it's incredibly protective, a strategist, and always wants to keep you safe as if that's warm and fuzzy. And then the chicken won't ask the girl out, won't talk about a promotion, won't say what someone did that upset you,'s just shoving everything down or, you know, gossiping, you know, it has many ways of dealing with its fear, but it traps so much of an individual

into what they think they know about themselves and who they think they are. And the brat. Oh, well, this one I especially needed to address. I'm much less of a chicken and way more of a brat. So the brat, you know, I'll do it tomorrow. You can't make me. I'm not going to. I don't like that.

I never did. Like, I don't owe you anything. It's not my fault. You know, any form of I'll do it tomorrow, procrastinating, an entitlement, jealousy, you know, lots of dark ways of holding in being mad, right? Being lazy. It's its own little scene and a half and voice in there and definitely critical. It's its own little scene and a half and voice in there and definitely critical. Right.

Yep. I want what I want and I want it now. And oh my God, do you see what you did? Right. It's definitely comes back to your child. It definitely has never gone away since your childhood, except for your ability to stuff it and pretend it's mature that it needs a cookie at 10 o'clock at night. Right. Right.

Or a drink. Now it needs a drink. Right.'clock at night. Right. Right. To, you know, or a drink. Now it needs a drink. Right. And it doesn't need just one. It needs three. Right. It's definitely anyone who's struggling with their weight. That's not chicken.

That's brat. Anyone who's struggling in their career, that's usually way more chicken, not brat. Right. So there really are where they reside throughout your life and different areas of your life. And figuring out how they're ruling you is an amazing way to take over your inner dialogue because all you have to do is really listen for the voice. Then there's the weather reporter. So the weather reporter is like a bigger concept, right? It's, oh, it's a narrative in that head of yours,

but it's what generalizes. I've never been good at that. I've always been this way. I'm an introvert, right? And so it has sweeping generalizations about your personality, about the world and about life itself, but it speaks it like a weather reporter. A weather reporter, it's not your fault, right? The weather reporter, if it changed, like it said it was going to be sunny and it's rains, they did the best they could, right? So a weather reporter is always doing the best they can at telling the truth about how it is, except what it's talking about, you relate to like, it's a fact, like I've always been this way. I need this. I've never been good at dieting, right?

And then it never looks at the moment-to-moment choices that you're making because you've never been good at that. But if I could give you 10 grand if you kept your diet every day, right? All of a sudden being on a diet would be fun, right? So how you test a weather report is if you can change it, like really you have power to change it. But if you have no power to change something, it's like, can you make it rain right now? The answer is no. Can you make yourself an extrovert? Ready, everybody? Answer is yes. So it's a lie that you're telling yourself because it's not a weather report, except you're weather reporting about many areas of your life

where you're generalizing like you know yourself, but it's not true. So I think it's interesting what you said there about the money test, right? Which is, you know, a way to tell is to ask yourself, if somebody gave me, you know, $10,000 or $500,000 today to do this and that, would I do it? And if the answer is yes, I would, and you jump right up and you're ready to do it, it shows it's something that you are able to control. It's a lie, right? Like it's the person that goes, I'm not a morning person. And so therefore I can't get out of bed and exercise early or meditate. I'm never good at this or that. So there's these sweeping generalizations that the person repeats and

repeats and repeats, but I could bait you out of it, right? I could get you out of it with a good prize. Yep. Right. Which means if it can change in an hour, what you have your case about that you can't change is so suspicious, which is so empowering. Yep. And so this sort of leads into the idea of beliefs and theories. So let's talk briefly about what beliefs and theories are and how they play into this whole inner dialogue thing. So how I break it out is I'm like, you have an inner dialogue and your inner dialogue can get put into these big buckets of chicken, negative inner dialogue can be put into buckets of chicken, brat, and weather reporter. But if you're like, well, what's making my chicken different than your chicken or my brat different than your brat, you would go to the next column, right? One before

that one. And it would talk about, it has three things in it. It has your lineage, your heritage, like that's everything where you came from, what I call your epis, your epigenetics, like how your parents and like how your culture totally influenced how you're a trick and bat or weather reporter and how you're conducting your personality. But the other two areas are your beliefs and your theories about life are conducting all of your inner dialogue in a macro way. And so how beliefs form and theories form, they also form from your family and how you were raised or reactions to that. But once you have a belief or a theory, they're informing you at all times. So the belief,

I'm not athletic, I never have been, becomes pervasive as a belief. A belief is something that you just believe to be true. Like you accepted it. It's like hardcore fact about life. It doesn't need proof anymore. It just is true. I love you, right? I am great at this, right? It doesn't really go into question. You don't question it. You're not wondering about it. It's yours and you think you possess it. A theory is different because it's something you're speculating that you believe, like it's turning into a belief. It's becoming something, but it's strung together. When I was a kid, I was really good at this. And then I did it later. And then this happened. So therefore, right? So a theory is a much longer over time, you come to know something about yourself,

and you speculate that it's true. So you're proving it. And it's informing your chicken brat and weather port and also what's going well in your life, right? Mostly, I'm just focusing on how people can get access to what's, you know, what's negative. But you know, there's also lots of good things you're saying to yourself that I wouldn't change. No, keep that belief. No, keep that theory. But the premise goes that you're conducting all of them. And if you can figure out what they are, you can really change them. And there's a question you you write in the book that I think is a very interesting question. And I often think about this, which is you say, which comes first, the theory, belief, or the evidence of that theory or belief? And most of us would say,

without thinking about it, well, the evidence is what comes first. I base my theory on evidence. And then like you said, it turns into a belief. But let's talk about when that's not true. Once a person has an incident, a moment in their life, and I do study, I make people work on their haunting memories because your haunting memories create beliefs and theories. They could be positive or negative. But obviously, again, I go after what's negative because that's what's stopping us. Right. But so, so you have a, a, a theory or a belief, but what's really happening is, you know, your mother's not home and you come up with, she, if she loved me, she'd have been home by now. Right. And then the minute your mother walks in, it's eight minutes late. You're like, see, right. So I really am like something can happen,

Right. So I really am like, something can happen, but your ability to make what happened into a theory or a belief is epic. Right. Right. And then you came up with it and then proved it. And therefore, if that's true, and then it becomes even more and more true in that relationship with your mother or your career, right, good or bad, it goes to show you that if you actually have any theory, you can make anything happen, right? You're just making some shit happen. You're making good ones, bad ones, any ones happen, but it's more the archetype of it that's brilliant. Right. We talk a lot on this show about how all this stuff, they're just stories by and large, right? I mean, there are nuggets of a fact in there if it's an observable like oh i saw that person walk out the door at 7 p.m okay factual yes why

they did it and what it means about me and means to me all made up and how they left and what you know oh my god it's epic how epic how much is interpretation and invented. Right. And, you know, I love an idea that is a belief or a thought instead of thinking, is it right or is it wrong? Is it useful? Right. That's the measuring stick because you're making it up. So why, if we are making a lot of it up, not make it up in a way that empowers and strengthens us? Yeah. And that what arises in your mind is like a word or a thought. Until you consent to what arose, right? It's a lot like a radio station, right? You're like, I don't want to hear that song. Right.

That was one of my jokes early in my career was like, I think my love life is playing one long, bad Led Zeppelin song. Right. Like I was like, this is so melodramatic, Lauren, right. You do need a cigarette, right? Like this shit's bad, right? And so it was like, and it would arise and I had, you know, as if I had nothing to do with what I was thinking about or who I was chasing or dating or not calling back or I couldn't help it. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you. And the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer.

And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman.

And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, Really. No Really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason Bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHe it on the I heart radio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Let's talk a little bit about working with our thoughts. And, and there's something that you say that I think is interesting. And I want to have you explain it before I start to potentially disagree with it. You talk about five basic steps to reclaim your mind, right? You observe it, you name it. And then the last one is you stop it. And so talk to me about the stopping it, because anybody who sat down to meditate for a little while realizes you're not stopping the thoughts coming, right? You're not even generating them. They're just showing up. So talk to me what you mean by stop it in regards to a thought pattern. So first of all, I do believe you can take over your narrative

and manage having thoughts arise because you change your whole life, right? So I do think you can take over way more than just getting a grip on what you're doing, fixing what you're doing, breaking in there and changing what you have into what you wish it was. So the most important thing I care about is that a person has their vision and their dream in all areas of their life. You have to know what you're working towards because that utterly interrupts and shows you the gap between what you need to be saying in that head of yours versus what you are saying in that head of yours, which then ultimately takes over what are you doing in that mind of yours. So I give your

mind something much like, yeah, you have to have a vision, right? And then your vision says, I want to have a better sex life with my husband, right? And then your vision says, I want to have a better sex life with my husband. Right. You know, and then your actions and how you talk to yourself about your husband, then you can now hear it. You understand, like if you have a vision, like I want to get up every morning at 6 a.m., you know, then, you know, you better set your alarm and you can hear the voice in your head the night before you have to set your alarm. Right. So the only way to break in to actually even hear it is to know where it wants to go, right? To have a purpose. Right. Okay. And then you can hear how annoying you are. So now imagine you can hear how annoying you are, right? Like, so I was incredibly annoying when I had to take over learning to love exercising, right? Because I had a very cute body, you know, I was sporty, but I didn't know I was

eating. I didn't know anything until I stopped being as sporty as I was in high school and then gained those 15 pounds everybody talks about. And then getting rid of them, I had to take over my mind. And I had to love exercising and eating right. Ew, right? At 19, that was not that fun. But having that vision lets me hear my inner dialogue, right? So then my inner dialogue, it's very clear, right? It gets to eat this. It gets to have these things. This is what I want to be doing. And this is what the voice wants to do. So now you hear your voice go, get a cookie. You deserve one. You worked out. You went an extra 10 minutes on your run. Come on, cookie. Or drink or whatever your thing is. And who's saying that? That is not in my best interest. Shut up, voice. Shut up. Right. So when you get, you're not going to eat the cookie. Not only do I get a person to dream, I get them to make promises that they want to keep because my whole method is about personal integrity and keeping a promise to yourself. So I engage you in your higher self by making you

have a vision, make a promise, and now listen for the little criminal in the head trying to get a cookie. Right now we know, you know, where that wolf is. Hi, wolf. Right? How do I get you in the cage? So you have to start to fight with that voice and go get an apple. And that's the real work. And developing that voice becomes possible. After you hear your voice, you can then kick its ass.

I teach how to do talkbacks. I explain all of my inner dialogue because you're developing an inner dialogue that you respect and love that is you. There is no is you until you consent to what is you. And trust me, that voice that gets the cookie was not me. I was miserable. So that's the basic gist of that section in the book. And so what you're saying essentially is a variation on you can't stop your first thought, but you stop what comes right after it and you notice it and you redirect it. And you may have to do that 500, 5,000 times. When I think stop it, it's one of those things that's like, well, they don't stop. But we used to say in recovery, like I just said, you know,

can't control your first thought, but you can control what you do with it after it appears, right? Yes. And I do also love that over time, once I've mastered, I really mastered that. And like a child who's never getting their pacifier again, it, it shuts down some, it, it becomes funny. It doesn't even try anymore. It's like a catch 22. If it could stay there forever and never get a cookie, it will disappear. But if you think it disappeared, it'll come back. Right. I refer to it. I refer to it as like stay stray cats. Like if you stop feeding them, they stop coming around, right? Yes.

You know, it's like you got to stop feeding those thoughts. And then eventually they will go away. Yes. You know, whether it's a craving or whatever it is, it will disappear if you don't feed it. Uh-huh. You know, and that relationship, building that ability is self-love. And that relationship, building that ability is self-love. Yes, absolutely. And so I want to go back to a little something you said in the middle of that, because I think it's when I describe my coaching program to people, this is what I say. And you said it almost exactly, which is, you know, the skill ultimately that we're

after here is the ability to make and keep a promise to yourself. If you can do that, the sky's the limit. It's the best. And then you trust yourself. Right. It feels so good. You talk about it as personal integrity. But that ability to make and keep a promise not only leads to success, it leads to an inner stability and well-being. I think it connects you to your soul. Like that is your soul walking on

earth that came to live and to fulfill on lots of fun. Right. And I wanted to follow up with something else that you wrote, because I thought this was a really interesting statement and ties to this exactly. Say, what if integrity is spirituality? I do think that. I think your ability to say and do something makes anything, and then it means say, do, and believe, right? Like believe in something, say something, do something, that they're all aligned. That is sacred. That's being sacred. It's seeing sacred. It's being holy to yourself and the purpose of your life, whatever your purpose is. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. I couldn't agree more. I could not agree more. And, you know, I think any of us,

if we look in our life and we look at the places and the times we have done that, where we make, look at the places and the times we have done that, where we make, you know, like you said, you know, think about what's important and then, you know, decide to do it and then actually do it. If you look at the times in your life when that has happened, you notice an internal congruence that is really, really good. And when you don't, there's this inner turmoil that never really goes away. You keep reinforcing the same thing. And working with people, we get off to a good start. They're doing well. And then, you know, something happens a day or two, right? And what immediately comes up is the voice that says, see, I knew you couldn't do it. Right? Yeah. Well, and then that conveniently gets you a drink.

It conveniently gets you to not talk to your boss about that. Right? It has, and then that conveniently gets you a drink. It conveniently gets you to not talk to your boss about that. Right. It has. And then you're sad about yourself. And then feeling bad is one of the things like feeling bad. I have always considered one of the darkest. Like it, it, when people feel bad, it's as if they're guilty and they understand they should have done it differently. And it means so much that you better feel guilty if you don't do it, whatever it is. And I think that's one of the darkest phenomenas in human is being able to feel really bad as if that makes you still a good person. Like I said, I would do something. I feel terrible. I didn't do it. I'm still a good person. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. And I wish a human would just go, I said I'd do it. I didn't do it. Own it. Just be true about it.

Right? I don't need you to feel bad. I don't need you to guilt yourself. I don't need you to suffer because I promise it leads to a bag of potato chips. Right? Like I'm telling you, it's getting you a cookie. Right? Why are humans suffering, feeling bad, and still not doing the action? Right? So I'm very into breaking into that narrative. So a person wakes up to that they give it up all the feeling bad or the guilt or even in some people, the deeper, this goes so deep, the shame is what secretly is reinforcing the habit you're trying to break. I've done so much work over the years and observe so many people and, you know, around addiction. And, you know, that really is the heart of it. You know, the heart of it is you, you use, so you feel really bad about yourself and you guilt yourself and you talk about how bad you are and what an awful person, which just leads you to needing to medicate more.

Yes. And blame, even if the main person you blame is you, right? Like that don't, that don't impress me. Right. So let's talk about, we're, we're nearing the end of our time here, but I want to talk about consequences. This is something you talk a lot about, about, you know, you design a promise yourself, you keep them. And if you don't, you pay a consequence. And so let's talk a little bit more about this. And then I have a specific question in relation. So this originally was for my brat, you understand. And it works incredibly well on the chicken. So what happens is, is I wanted to make my vices, right?

Whatever my cookie, whatever I was going to get, like I had to earn a vice. Right now it's, you know, Netflix. Right. So if I, so for example, right. So I have a promise. I've been with my husband for 22 years. I love that man, but I could blow off sex in five minutes. Like, are you kidding for a good TV? I love that guy. See you forever. We're good. We got this. Right. I'll, I'll screw you tomorrow. Right. Right. Tomorrow, baby. I didn't shower. I went for a workout. I smell right. I got good reasons not to take a five minute shower. Um, anyway, and get to my Netflix. Um, so anyway, I wonder how many sex moments have been interrupted and postponed by Netflix. I wonder

what the number is. I'd just love to know. I would like- It would be huge. Right? It's embarrassing and it doesn't even match what people feel, right? Because I really would much rather get it on.

It doesn't take that long. I still get to the television, right? Like it's like, it's not such a- Right, right, right. And I like myself so much better and he likes me better and I like him better. And it's like a workout, right? It's like really good. Like a workout's good for the body.

Sex is really good for the connection with your partner. It still works, right? So here's how a consequence works. I swear to bejesus that I have sex twice a week or else if I don't, I, you know, I lose my television, right? I do not get to like, you know, if I haven't done it by Thursday, I'm in trouble guys, right? With my Netflix, right? It's over. Right. And I have to get it done to get it back on so I could get on, on Saturday. You understand? So Netflix is off the table right if i haven't kept my promise guess who keeps her promise right it makes my my funny dark side which isn't really very dark keep like

it doesn't i don't get my cookie unless i kept the promise i really want to keep when i wanted to here's another great example is this works really well on me. I want to meditate twice a day. Ready? How do I do that? No coffee till I've meditated. Or in the evening, I want to meditate later in the afternoon. No screen fun time until I've meditated.

Guess who meditates? Right. And I don't keep that to myself. I keep it public. Will I die without coffee? No, maybe. Would I die without my Netflix? No. Would I die without, do you understand? So a consequence is not a punishment. It gets your vice, your dark side. You're like, give me that, right? Your drink to work for the, for the good guys before it earns its, you know, cookie.

You know, I think those can be very, very powerful. And I've seen them work and I've used them. But my question is, in certain cases, we don't have enough of a grasp on things in general that we're even going to make ourselves do the consequence. We say, oh, well, the consequence is this, but we don't do the action or the consequence, right? Because that basic muscle isn't even there. Well, yes. In my program, right? In my digital program and in my coaching program, everyone owes their promises to someone who's going to be accountable for them. Like I have three children and I have a promise that I do not get to get hot. I do not get to scream. Nothing loud comes out. I have to use my words. I have to really talk if I'm upset. I do not get to act like my mommy and scream through the house and scare the living bejesus out of people. And if I scream or get pissy like that, hot, anyone in earshot gets 20 bucks.

Right. You know, it happens like once a year. And trust me, I scream out before I scream, everybody who can hear this can have $20. And then I'm like, you know, and it makes it so funny that my kids never actually believe the scream, right? They're like, mommy went off a deep end, right? And I made 20 bucks because she lost her shit, right? And I love that. Like, God, I wish my mother did that, right? And so that art is like your heart holding you to the behaviors you want to be, right?

Like, so the sex and the don't scream at my kids and even go to bed on time, Lauren Zander, right? Like I need a bedtime, right? So all of these things need promises and consequences for me and in my practice with an accountability buddy, right? And trust me, use your kids, right? Just tell them, if I don't go to the gym, you make 20 bucks. And trust me, use your kids, right? Just tell them, if I don't go to the gym, you make 20 bucks. And they'll be like, did you go? I'm going today.

And you deserve you right, because you don't want to lie to that kid and teach them you don't keep promises or tell excuses. You can almost, you can hear your excuses when you have to look in your kid's eye, right? Right, right. Accountability is so critical. You know, I, it's, it's such a big piece of the puzzle. And it's also a great way to love each other. Even most, most friends are not, they're drinking buddies, not accountability buddies is our joke. Right. And we teach how to truly, um, you know, take like work together humans, right? Like to really love each other is to support each other, right? And so I want that to change for humanity too, and make it fun and deep.

Yep. Yep. Well, this has been a wonderful conversation. We are at the end of our time. You and I are going to continue in a post-show conversation where we're going to talk about the eight basic brands of excuses. Listeners, if you want to become a member, get access to post-show conversation where we're going to talk about the eight basic brands of excuses. Listeners, if you want to become a member, get access to post-show conversations like this one, add free episodes, and a weekly mini episode I do called A Teaching Song and a Poem, as well as feel good about supporting the show, go to oneufeed.net slash join. So thank you so much, Lauren. Again, it's been a fun pleasure and I've enjoyed the conversation. Thank you.net slash join. So thank you so much, Lauren. Again, it's been a, it's been a fun pleasure and I've enjoyed the conversation. Thank you. This is great. Okay. Bye. If what you just heard was helpful to you, please consider making a donation to the One You Feed podcast.

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