The One You Feed - Scott Stabile on Perfecting Self-Love

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

Scott Stabile has amassed a sizable following on social media with his inspirational and provocative quotes, essays, and videos. His previous work includes Big Love, Just Love, Iris, and the Li’l Pet Hospital series. He also wrote a feature film entitled Oogieloves In The Big Baloon Adventure. He’s a regular contributor to the Huffington Post and runs empowerment workshops nationally and internationally.In this episode, Eric and Scott talk about self-love; the myths about it, the things that stand in the way of it, and how we can cultivate more of it. But wait – there’s more! The episode is not quite over!! We continue the conversation and you can access this exclusive content right in your podcast player feed. Head over to our Patreon page and pledge to donate just $10 a month. It’s that simple and we’ll give you good stuff as a thank you!In This Interview, Scott Stabile and I Discuss Perfecting Self-Love and …His game-changing realization that he can show up with love for himself no matter which wolf he’s feedingHow he’s releasing self-judgment and what he’s then left withThat our thoughts create our feelings and it’s worthwhile to explore that within ourselvesHow we can become addicted to our miseryExpansion as a healthy and healing coping mechanismHis beautifully extreme practice of self-loveHow he cultivates peace and ease in his life through his choicesKnowing for ourselves that we can feel our feelings and survive themThe truth that we all have divine, creator energy within us, the same energy that created planets and stars is within usThe relationship between our thoughts and our emotionsThe big impact of realizing the ways we are already loving ourselves throughout our dayThat the reason we want the things we want is because of how they will make us feel and how we can give ourselves the gift of these feelings nowThe things we can do to create more joy and connection in our lifeScott Stabile Links:Scott Stabile’s WebsiteFacebookInstagramCalm App: The app designed to help you ease stress and get the best sleep of your life through meditations and sleep stories. Join the 85 million people around the world who use Calm to get better sleep. Get 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription (a limited time offer!) by going to www.calm.com/wolfFeals: Premium CBD delivered to your doorstep to help you manage stress, anxiety, pain, and sleeplessness. Feals CBD is food-grade and every batch is tested so you know you are getting a truly premium grade product. Get 50% off your first order with free shipping by becoming a member at www.feals.com/wolfAura Digital Security provides digital security protection to keep your online finances, personal information, and tech safe from online threats. To sign up and get 3 months of service for free, visit aura.com/wolf.  If you enjoyed this conversation with Scott Stabile on Perfecting Self-Love, you might also enjoy these other episodes:Scott Stabile on Mindfulness, Love, and Forgivess (2017(Omid Safi on Radical LoveSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Pay attention to your choices, make more choices that have you feeling good and fewer that have you feeling depleted, and your life changes overnight. Welcome to The One You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living.

This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallynoreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast or a limited

edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests

to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences. Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for joining us. Our guest on this episode is Scott Stabile, who has

amassed a sizable Facebook following with his inspirational and provocative quotes, essays, and live videos. His previous work includes Just Love, Iris, and the Lil Pet Hospital series. Scott also wrote a feature film entitled The Oogie Loves and the Big Balloon Adventure. He's a regular contributor to the Huffington Post and runs empowerment workshops nationally and internationally. Hi, Scott. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Thanks for having me, brother. Good to see you. I can't remember the last time we had you on. We had you on for a mini episode we did

talking about difficult thoughts and emotions. And I don't know if we did it at the beginning of the pandemic. So if it's been about a year or whether it was a couple months into it, but either way, it's been a while. And so I'm happy to have you back for us to talk for the full episode. Wonderful. Yeah, I'm excited. I can't start one of these without doing the wolf parable because I'd hear about it. So we're going to have to do the wolf parable. I think it's take two for you. I don't think I put you through it last time. So grandfather talking with his grandson says there's two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One's a good wolf represents things like kindness, bravery, and love. And the other is a bad wolf that represents things like greed and hatred and fear. that represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops and he thinks about it for a second.

He looks up at his grandfather and says, well, grandfather, which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed. So I'd love to know how that parable is resonating with you in your life and work today. Yeah, specifically how it's resonating with me today and in general lately is really about understanding that I can show up with love for myself no matter which wolf I'm feeding. And that's really been the game changer for me in my life is understanding that human

beings, we're all the wolves, right? We are every version of the bad wolf or every version of the good wolf, if that's how you want to label them. version of the bad wolf or every version of the good wolf, if that's how you want to label them. And that as we move through our lives, even those of us who are really working at moving through our lives with more consciousness, with more alignment to our inner knowing and our inner being, we're still showing up as envious or jealous or blameful or hateful or whatever ways. What I've come to learn is that I don't have to judge myself for it anymore. And that for me has created so much peace in those realities that used to be

filled with a lot of judgment and shame, which is to say, if I'm showing up in a way that doesn't feel aligned for me, if I'm jealous of someone out there and what they're achieving, or blameful of someone and what they've done. And that isn't really what I know to be the healthiest way for me to be showing up. What I used to do in the past was beat myself up about it, and judge myself against a more enlightened response, like you should be more evolved than this, you shouldn't be feeling these things anymore. And all it made me do in those moments was feel like crap about myself. It just compounded whatever I was feeling with this heavy layer of suffering. And so what I've gotten good at, Eric, and it's helped me so much in my life is just removing that layer of judgment. And then what

I'm left with is just whatever it is I'm feeling and with the understanding that we human beings feel all of it and it's okay. And so when you eliminate the judgment and you also offer yourself, I guess, a good wolf, you know, tendency, which would be to offer myself this gentle understanding and love and reminder that like, it's okay, honey, you're human. This is okay too. And this is okay too. And let's continuously nudge ourselves into the ways of being and showing up and living that feel more aligned with love and compassion, the way that I feel most whole and most at home, but from an easier place, you know, so I welcome all the wolves. I really do at this point. It's

like, I welcome them because they're all there. And I don't feel the need I welcome all the wolves. I really do at this point. It's like, I welcome them because they're all there. And I don't feel the need to make it a war. I don't go to battle with them the same way I used to. I acknowledge them, reflect on them, give my energy over to the ones that I want to be more aligned with more often, because our thoughts matter, our thoughts create our feelings, and move on with my day. Yeah, that's right on time. I more and more realize the amount of energy that goes into berating ourselves about us not living up to our own standards is not very helpful. I often say in the spiritual habits course I teach, we talk about self-compassion. I say self-compassion is really important for two reasons. The first is it's just a whole lot better to live in a brain

that is kind to itself, right? Like you got to be in here all the time is it's just a whole lot better to live in a brain that is kind to itself, right? Like you got to be in here all the time. It's much better. But secondly, we actually learn better and can better redirect ourselves towards the healthier, happier, more whole versions of ourselves we want to be when we are compassionate towards ourselves. Because when we're so hard on ourselves, we kick up all our defense mechanisms, we trigger just all sorts of stuff, and we don't learn. I don't think we're trained to be compassionate with ourselves. We're conditioned, in my experience of my life in the world I'm seeing and observing, is that it's entirely okay for us to beat ourselves up. It's understandable. We accept that in people. We accept it in ourselves without

really recognizing that there are other choices we can be making. You know, I'm giving a lot of energy these days to bringing awareness to the thoughts I'm thinking and how they're making me feel. Understanding that our thoughts are what create our feelings. So if I'm catching myself in this feeling of anxiety, it serves me to reflect on, well, wait a minute, what am I thinking about that's creating this feeling? And what happens for me if I decide to think about something that actually creates a little more peace or a little more joy? people on the healing path or in the self-help world can confuse that notion with this thought of denial or spiritual bypassing or whatever words we want to attach to it. And I don't really see it that way. I think there is a such thing as denial and a such thing as spiritual bypassing. Absolutely. And I also recognize that we know when we're selling ourselves a good of bills, like I can speak to the universe, whatever words I want to say,

and if what I'm vibrating in my being is counter to that, the energy that I'm emitting is what's going to ultimately, I believe, create more powerful the reality that I'm experiencing. But there is so much power in redirecting our thoughts, right? I don't have to sit in this painful memory for hours and days and months if by doing so, all that's creating for me in my life is more pain and more misery and more darkness. I can see the ways in which I became, and I see the ways in which people have become addicted to their misery. We congregate with others in a way that just contributes to this addiction to misery that

I don't think ultimately serves us. So what I'm playing with in my life right now is looking at, well, what happens when I focus on a different experience from my past? If I want to be focused on my past, what happens if I focus on a joyful memory from my past instead of one that creates heartbreak or anxiety? And what happens is that I'm much more likely to experience a bit more peace in my being and a bit more joy in my being. And why wouldn't I be giving myself more and more of those moments in my life? Because then when I've gone through a day, I've gone through a day where at least half the day was spent giving energy to and utilizing and directing thoughts

that create more joy and peace and meaning in my life. How can that be a disservice to me in any way? Yep. Oh boy, have you wandered into a topic that I feel like I could spend a lot of time on because I think there's a lot of nuance in it. Even if I go back to where you opened up, which is, okay, whichever wolf happens to be here, the sad wolf, the angry wolf, the whatever wolf, I'm going to welcome it. So there's that element. And then there's the element also that you're talking about. And I don't think these things are opposed to each other, but I think there's subtlety in them of, I'm going to orient myself around these thought processes that are more empowering. And so how do we allow the wolf to be here? That's going to be here. The one that shows up the feelings that are here and allow that and welcome it. And then yet also

say, hey, that's not where I want to live. Maybe I'm believing things, I'm thinking things that are bringing me down. And so I'm going to move towards a more positive thought where that positive thought doesn't become one of denial, or repression, or a subtle way of me saying, or repression or a subtle way of me saying, bad wolf, bad wolf? It's a great question. And for me, the word that comes up is expansion. Be expansive. We are wildly expansive beings. And the reality of this experience on planet Earth in this lifetime is so much more than any one thing. So what I understand that if I am mired in my stories that are rooting me in a version of my life that is just painful or anxious or sad, what I understand automatically is I am denying the other aspects of this life that are also real. So there is denial

in that. We tend to reflect on denial from the place of how you're focusing on it. Like, if I'm in my sadness, I'm in my sadness. I'm someone who talks a lot about feeling our feelings. And I believe there's great value in that because I don't believe we're served by denial. But I also don't believe we're served by denying joy. We're not served by denying peace that is our birthright. We're not served by denying peace that is our birthright. We're not served by denying connection and love and all of the beautiful aspects of this world that we tend to deny when we are in what I've seen in myself and in others, an addiction to the pain, right?

So what I feel like I'm able to do more readily now when I'm resting in anything is to expand my energy and make space for the more, especially when it's the hard stuff I'm feeling, because I don't judge that. When I'm feeling grief or when I'm feeling anxious, yeah, that's fine. I can welcome it from the perspective of this is the human experience, you know? This is absolutely the human experience. I can be with it from that place. I don't judge myself for being in there. But what I'm doing more often now is just considering, well, my thoughts took me to this place. So what happens if I shift my thoughts? What might I be able to create by shifting my thoughts without denying the fact that

there's anxiety as well. A concept that I anchor to with a lot of this stuff is the idea sort of of the middle way. And what I think is really helpful is the middle way is a useful tool if you know which extreme you're on. For example, I think that we could say that one extreme might be, I live in my misery and my pain and I cherish it, you know, I'm there. And the other might be to say, I try by whatever means I can to not feel bad. And if that way I'm trying happens to be that, you know, anytime I have a negative thought, I'm going to get rid of it. I'm going to get rid of it. I'm going to banish it. You know, if I'm way over there, right, the answer might be knowing which side I'm on. How do I bring myself to a place that is more in the middle, if that makes

any sense? Like an example is sometimes I'll have coaching clients and some clients are really hard on themselves. That's their default. Everything that they do wrong, they just beat themselves to death. And then I have other clients who just sort of let themselves off the hook for anything. There's no sense of inner accountability. And so if I were to make a default statement about the best way to coach people, I'd be missing the boat because depending on where that person is on that might mean I want to guide them towards more of a holistic experience. At least my experience is know which side I tend to gravitate towards and maybe work my way back to the middle. So if I'm somebody who tries to deny anything I'm

feeling, then I might need to say, all right, I got to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and not try and shift out of it, not try and bypass out of it every time. And conversely, if that's where I get stuck, I might need to orient my mind more towards some positive and empowering thoughts. I think you're spot on that it's so circumstantial. It's so by the person, you know, because I look at my life right now and I would say the one thing I've become expert at is loving myself, which is to say the moment I'm aware that my mind is mired in some sort of self-abusive thought process, I'm really good at shifting those thoughts and really good at showing up for myself with a ton of compassion. It doesn't even feel like work. I think when I

talk about it in my workshops, I'm constantly saying, hey, this is work because it takes practice and it takes continued practice and conscious practice and self-awareness. For me now, self-love doesn't feel like work. It feels incredibly habitual. It feels like second nature. And I don't see any reason to allow my mind to abuse me. So I am extreme in that way. Like I don't see any benefit in allowing my thought process to go to a place of suggesting that I am in any way unworthy because I know that is not true. So, in that instance, I guess I'm not aligned with what you're saying. I don't see the reason for a middle path around self-love. It's like, I want to be loving myself as often as possible, as deeply as possible. I feel really good about the work I've done to get myself there. I have self-abusive thoughts. I'm not suggesting I'm always living in that place, but I am suggesting I get myself out

of that place very quickly. Or there's always a voice within me that's like, oh honey, don't believe your mind. Like you are beautiful and worthy and I've got you and I love you. And Eric, this has changed my life. This has been probably the thing that has changed my life more than any other, is knowing that no matter what I'm experiencing in my life, I am going to show up for myself with compassion and love. It has allowed me to make braver choices in my life because I understand that if I fall on my face or if people judge me or if people misunderstand me, I have my back. I am going to be the person that is able to show up for myself and say, you are worthy, no matter what. It doesn't matter

what people think about you. It doesn't matter that you failed, quote unquote, or whatever. You know what I'm saying? So, when I think about that from the perspective of loving myself and how much value it's given to my life and how much peace it's created, I apply that filter to other aspects of my life. And what I'm realizing a goal for myself is now, a goal makes it sound, well, no, it is a goal. I am efforting at it and practicing at it. I want to live my life with more ease and more peace. And so, I feel really committed to making choices that create more ease and peace in my life. So, with what you were saying, I think sometimes if there's a person who is so unable, and I know people like this, I've met people like this, so unable to be in their feelings,

for me, usually because there's so much fear around it, around sitting in what feels real to you because you don't think you can survive it. So people are numbing and they're in their addictions and they're doing everything that they can do to keep from being in their feelings. For me, that doesn't feel like peace and ease. When you were talking about a middle path, that's what I connect with what you're speaking to. Because from that place, what I feel is I don't feel ease in that. I feel resistance. I feel fear. And so whenever we're operating from this place of resistance or fear, I feel like there's great value in looking at, well, what choices could I make that might create more ease around

this? And a person who is unable to experience their feelings is going to be very resistant to the answer to that because the answer is naturally going to be like, let's move you into your feelings a little more so that you're able to see that you can survive feeling what is really happening in your body. And the only way to survive it is to know that we can survive it, which is by allowing the feeling of it. That's right. That's right. And I think that some of this gets into that distinction between, well, I was going to say the distinction between thoughts and emotions, which I think we often make a distinction between, even though I'm not convinced that they're actually as separate

as we often talk about them being. We talk about them being different, but they travel very closely. They travel very closely together. But that idea of, I don't want to deny what I'm feeling. So what I'm feeling is what I'm feeling. But maybe I want to examine the stories I'm telling myself about what I'm feeling or the thoughts that'm telling myself about what I'm feeling or the thoughts that I'm having about what I'm feeling. Absolutely. The thing that keeps coming up for me lately, I should tell you, I've been listening. Are you familiar with Abraham Hicks? I know a little bit about it. Yes.

So Abraham Hicks, there's a woman named Esther Hicks who channels these cosmic entities that call themselves Abraham. And Abraham Hicks has been around since I think 1985. And I've like seen memes with Abraham Hicks. But only in the last month, by the recommendation of a friend, have I started listening to this podcast called Abraham Hicks Daily, where it's Abraham Hicks answering questions that people are posing. I feel really aligned to a lot of the message and really has me thinking about what is the downside to fueling my thoughts with things that feel good. Like when I'm really thinking about it, like if I went through a whole day, let's say I had this experience where I was in a fight with a friend and it created this anxiety. And if we fight with a

good friend, we're living in it for as long as it's going on until we make amends or whatever. And I could go through my whole day thinking about that fight and replaying that fight like a hamster on the wheel, like we all do, right? And contributing to my well-being in no good way, unless I'm coming to a conclusion that where I'm like taking responsibility and for my actions and showing up in that way. And hopefully you get to that point. But a lot of the time spent dwelling on a past fight is lived in the feeling of the fight, in the resentment, in the judgment, in you feeling like you were right and they were wrong, in the judgment and you feeling like you were right and they were wrong and all of this insanity that creates in our being nothing but a bad feeling. But that's real. I'm feeling anxious

about the fight. It's a real feeling. I'm feeling my feeling. But am I doing any disservice to myself to say, you know what? What if I think about this beautiful walk I had by the lake the other day while I was feeling really peaceful and feeling really connected to the trees and then focus on how much trees bring me peace and focus my energy on those thoughts? How is that doing any disservice to me if I steer myself away from the anxious feeling around the fight and just give my energy over to something that feels good? It doesn't take away from any healing that was created by thinking about the fight because I wasn't creating any healing. All I was creating was more anxiety, right? That's kind of the distinction I'm making. And the more I reflect on those things, it's like if I spent 16 of my waking hours, if I've spent nine of them focused on stuff that makes me feel good versus the 12 I might usually spend in some

version of like anxiety or the world is all violent and horrible and I'm watching the news again to be confirmed. It's like, why wouldn't I be giving myself that? That's the thing I keep coming back to. It's like, why wouldn't I right now just focus on something that centers me in peace? Because what I feel is when I'm centered in that place of peace and feeling good is when I feel most aligned with my heart, when I feel most aligned with the love that is within me, which is to say, it's when I feel most aligned with the source energy that is alive within me. You know, I believe we are all divine beings. I believe we all have within us the energy that is alive within me. You know, I believe we are all divine beings. I believe we all have within us the energy that created everything else, the energy that creates planets and oceans and

worlds and stars. We all have that energy within us. And when I'm aligned with that energy, I am never out of sync with love and compassion and peace. When I'm aligned with that energy, I am always in that place, which tells me that my most divine alignment is in that place, which tells me that when I'm stewing in anxiety or depression or whatever other things I steer toward, I'm not aligned with the God energy within me. So why not shift myself back to that place if I'm able, as often as I'm able? Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running.

All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about

the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. It's a little bit of past, present, and future all in one idea. Soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls

starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you

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It's called Really? No, Really? And you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There was a quote that you had on Facebook that I thought was really useful. You were talking about this idea and then you said, hey, why are we so quick to refute things before we give energy to seeing what happens? You know, why would we declare that being more conscious about the thoughts we have doesn't work if we don't really try it? Which kind of stopped me and made me go, okay, let me reflect on this. And we did an email series, I don't know, sometime over the last couple of months where we sort of talked about, you know, working with

difficult thoughts a little bit, right? And the very first question I think is the one that you were sort of pointing to, which is, is this thought useful? So to the point about the fight with a friend, there's a point by which I am rethinking about the conversation and I'm going, well, what if I had said that? And well, I wonder what I'm bringing to this. And well, maybe he was having a bad day. We're solving a problem and that's useful. And so there's a period of time that that's actually good. You know, I think we really want to do that. And then there's a period of time beyond which I think most of us could safely say, okay, I am in the term I like to use is rumination. I am now ruminating. I am running around the same circle over and over. I'm

creating nothing new. I'm uncovering no new solutions and I'm miserable. And so then at that point, the question really becomes, okay, how do I shift out of that place? If we realize what's going on up here isn't helpful, then what are our choices to shift somewhere else? And I think the question that I wanted to lead you to here or lead us to is this idea that my thoughts create my emotions. I've been exploring the reverse of that to some degree. I've been exploring a little bit in my own life how perhaps my emotions are creating my thoughts. What I mean by that is I feel like there are days that I wake up and for whatever reason, before I've had any thought, now I guess we could say it's carried over from my dreams. But before I've had any sort of thought, it's almost as if I can tell

like, there's a gloomy storm front up here in the brain. And it's almost as if every thought I have is reflected or projected through that weather storm that's already in my head. And so it's like, it's not that I'm having a negative thought and thus bad feelings are coming in. It's almost as if there's some bad emotional state or body state that's here. And now all my thoughts are taking on that color. In Buddhism, they talk about the very first thing that happens in consciousness is this basic body sense of good, bad, or neutral, Vedana, or vedana, I can never pronounce it right. And I've been reflecting on how sometimes that it seems like that that state, good, bad, neutral,

that's sort of already there, becomes something that colors my thoughts. And I guess before we sort of talk about maybe how to work with that, I'm curious what your perspective on that is. It's interesting. I mean, I hadn't thought about that, but I think what you're saying, certainly that's possible. What I would wonder is, we're always thinking. So even when you're waking up, before you're realizing, maybe consciously that you're having thoughts, you're having thoughts because it's what's happening. But even more to what you're saying, if it is something you're feeling that's informing your thoughts, I still believe it's ultimately going to be the thoughts that you give your energy to intentionally from that moment on that have the best shot of shifting you into another way of being. Because I don't feel like I have control over my emotions beyond my thoughts, if that makes sense.

Absolutely. Like I can't just shift an emotion without thinking something to help me shift it. Absolutely right. I think that you're right. On one hand, it's almost doesn't matter. Right, right. The chicken and egg, right? Because we can't really go in and as you said, just shift the emotion. The realization that was happening with me with this a lot was, is that I wrestle with, I don't even like that word, I wrestle, but it's the one I use most of the time. I've dealt with depression a lot of my adult life. And I have more and more been starting

to wonder and noticing that perhaps what I'm calling depression is being really tired. They feel very similar to me. They're very close. And so what I noticed though, is the minute I start going, oh, it's depression, I spin off in one direction. Whereas on the other hand, if I go, oh, I'm tired. And we had a guest, Christian Conti, who said this. He said that a lot of times our thoughts will mirror what's going on in our body. And I thought that was interesting because like you, I tend to be more of the thought causes emotion. That's the direction of operations. But I thought a whole lot more. And the more I've started to sort of realize, like, I think they're bidirectional. since emotion isn't something I can exactly go in and move, whereas a thought I have some degree of control. I may not be able to control what pops up, but I can go, do I want to accept that thought? Do I want to work with that thought? Do I want to have a different one? Do I want to try and have a different one? I think at the end of the day, thoughts, and then I would say behavior is

the second lever. Thoughts and behavior are levers that we can pull way easier than we can ever pull the lever of emotion. It doesn't have a lever on it, really, is really how I feel about this. It's like we are these powerful, powerful, powerful energetic beings. Everything is energy. Everyone agrees to that now. Scientists agree. New age people agree. We all have come to understand everything is energy. Our thoughts are energy. Our words are energy. Our actions are energy. When you realize that and acknowledge it, you understand the power that you have to direct energetically the thoughts that are ultimately going to contribute to your feelings and to your experience of life. And so to someone out there who might feel like they've been living a crappy life forever and

they don't know how to love themselves or whatever else. It's like here we are right now in this moment. The past is really not relevant. It's what we do from this moment on that will always matter the most. And it is never too late to start being intentional and to harness the energy that you have and to harness the focus that you have to direct your thoughts and redirect your thoughts in a way that is going to support for you creating a life with more joy, more meaning, more connection, more self-love. You know, people tell me all the time, because I do a lot of self-love workshops, that I don't know how to love myself, and I've never been able to love myself, and I don't know if it's possible for me

to love myself. And to that, I always say, hey, if it's possible for you to love anything or anyone, it's absolutely possible for you to love yourself. That love isn't just available to other people, right? That doesn't make rational or intuitive sense. And if you need a starting point, it's like, look at the way you show up for the people you love the most in your life. When they're mired in self-abuse, when they're beating themselves up, what things do you say to the people you love the most? Start saying those things to yourself. This is one way we love ourselves. Another way is simply by acknowledging the ways that we actually are showing up for ourselves. I feel, Eric, that our minds naturally have a negativity bias, so we really clearly focus on all the things we're doing

that don't look like self-love, but we don't always sit in acknowledgement of the times we actually are showing up. The times we're making ourselves a beautiful cup of warm tea because we know we enjoy it. The times we're paying our bills on time because we know that creates peace in our lives. We are loving ourselves in so many different ways throughout the day. And the more conscious we become in acknowledging those things, the more likely we are to acknowledge those things, which means we're offering ourselves more moments centered in self-love and self-compassion. And these are like micro ways that we change our lives, you know? And all of those things for me matter. And what matters the most is it's like, if you are telling yourself that it is not possible for you to do

something, it's not possible for you to get over this illness you have, it's not possible for you to find a new job, it's not possible for you to walk away from this relationship that is not serving you. I implore you to look at the countless examples we have in this world of people who have done the impossible. People who have survived illnesses they were never supposed to survive. People like you, and you've talked openly about this, who have overcome addictions that they never thought that they would overcome and are living in their sobriety today. It's like we are given examples time and time and time again of people doing the seemingly impossible. I just don't believe that there are limits to what we're able to create for ourselves when we have belief that we're able to create these things for ourselves. Why would we be the exception? That's what I keep coming back to.

It's like, if everyone on the planet is worthy because we're all these divine expressions or these human expressions of divinity, everyone is being born today as worthy as every other baby being born. Why would I be the exception as the only unworthy human being on the planet? It doesn't make any sense. I want to set the word worthy aside for a second, because I think that's an interesting word, because it almost doesn't mean anything in a way. Because how could we not be worthy, right? Worthy of what? Who's handing out the worthiness? I mean, right? Like, it's a concept. But let me give you an example of my own sort of a limiting, is that a limiting belief? Is that a useful belief? Is that some reflection in reality?

Is it more practical? Which would say something like, well, of course I'm worthy. Yeah. But I'm not good enough to accomplish X. And what I look at with that is there's this part of me that goes, well, if you say you're not good enough to accomplish X, well, of course you're not going to be good enough by saying that you immediately take yourself out of the race. Right? So when I do that, I'm like, all right, well, that, that doesn't make sense. And yet there's another part of me that goes, well, let's look at the quote unquote facts here. You know, let's look at what you've done, or let's look at how good you are at

that. So a ridiculous example, right? Like I'm not going to play in the NBA. I can look at all the people who do play in the NBA. You know, I'm twisting your words a little bit, but I'd be like, well, thousands of people have played in the NBA. Why not me? Right. And the reality is I'm pretty sure I'm not going to play in the NBA. So I'm sort of like, well, there's an example of where like, okay, regardless of how much I think it's true, I want to believe it's true. I'm not going to play in the NBA. Now, what I do know though, is if I pick up a basketball and I work with the basketball a lot every day, I could probably become pretty darn good at playing basketball. Absolutely. But what I think people are doing, it's like, yeah, you're not going to play in the NBA and I'm not going to be a professional

tennis player. But like, how attached are you to that vision? What I see so many of us doing so much of the time is telling ourselves we're not able to do things that we're absolutely able to do. Like if you were sitting here telling me you can't write a book, I'd be like, are you insane? Of course you can write a book. Like why would you ever tell yourself you can't write a book, I'd be like, are you insane? Of course you can write a book. Like, why would you ever tell yourself you can't write a book? Especially if you're feeling called to write a book. That's the thing. I think people are, we're all limiting ourselves based on the things we actually realistically could make happen for ourselves in our lives. And we don't even try them because we're so focused on the failure, the fear of failure, the fear of judgment, or all the other fears that take over the possibility of

creating the kinds of lives we want to create. And what's so important about this for me, Eric, as well is, you know, I'm a big believer and practicer of visualization. I'm a believer in it because again, I think our thoughts are energy. And when I'm visualizing that which I seek to create, I believe I'm putting active energy toward creating it. And it doesn't mean everything always plays out the way I visualize it. But the more important aspect for me is understanding that when I'm visualizing the things I want to create and visualizing them in the present tense, in the present moment, in living in the experience of having created it and allowing myself to feel. Because ultimately, everything we're seeking, we're seeking it because of how

we want to feel if we get it, right? Like, I want to write a book because I'm going to feel proud to have published a book and I'm going to feel excited and joyful because of that. What if we allow ourselves to live in those feelings in the now because that's what we want anyway? Why do I need publishing a book to be the thing that makes me feel joyful? That's where I feel like we're doing a disservice to ourselves. So what if I live, what if I focus on the experience of having a book published and people reading it and people sending me lovely emails and that isn't my reality in the moment? What if I just for fun every day play in that reality and create for myself the joy that comes from feeling that? Then what I'm doing is I am giving myself the gift in the now of the joy that I feel only comes from some future achievement.

This is where our power lives. It doesn't have to be about the end game. We always hear it's about the journey. And I feel like I'm understanding that and internalizing that more than ever and aligning myself with the feelings of the journey that stimulate joy, right, in my being, that stimulate excitement in my being. And what I believe, because I do believe everything is energy, that the more joyful I am, the more excited I am about the thing that I haven't even created yet, I really believe that that's going to keep my energy moving toward creating that thing. As an example, when I was writing Big Love, I was really focused on visualizing the book deal I would get and talking to the editor

and seeing my book in bookstores. And you know what? I didn't know that that was going to happen. But what I can tell you with certainty is it was a lot more fun for me to be living in that mode as I was putting together a book proposal than living in, oh, no one's going to like this. And I don't even think it's going to sell. And what's the point of this? And why wouldn't I give myself the gift of living in that excitement and energy? And even if the book didn't sell, I had given myself weeks of focused excitement, and that is a gift, get to talk to the editor of the New Yorker or whatever your visualization was, right? If you're visualizing that, or you're visualizing that you write this book proposal and no one picks it up and it never goes anywhere,

in either case, you're making that up. As in, the future is not told. We don't know. You know, I'll say this to coaching clients jokingly sometimes. They'll be telling me all about the future, what's going to happen. I'm like, if your brain knows the future, you and I need to head to the racetrack and start betting on the ponies, right? Because we don't know the future. So in both those cases, we're making it up. So if we're going to be making up a story,

why not make up one that empowers us? Now, I, as I'm saying all this, am thinking right now, reflecting on the ways in my life right now, that I am telling myself non-empowering stories, that I'm telling myself that's not going to work. What if that doesn't work? That's going to turn out bad. And again, there's a difference between me strategically thinking through my options in the future and what do I want to invest my time in and making the best decision I can. So that has to happen. And that has to happen with some degree of rationality.

You know, if I'm thinking about, well, what do we want to do with the one you feed next year? I've got to be thinking somewhat clearly about what that is. But once I set that aside, then yeah, why not tell ourselves stories? If we're visualizing the future either way, why not visualize a future that has things turning out the way we want? Especially because we know our mind is going to do the opposite naturally. Our mind will naturally give itself over to all the nightmare scenarios that could

happen from any sort of brave choice we make, right? So, we know that that's an automatic response of our mind. So, for me, I understand that I need to be more proactive about considering the benefits of my choices, about considering the things that I want to achieve. And why wouldn't we? Again, it always keeps coming back to that. And I don't say this from this, you know, woo-woo place. I'm not reflecting on all of this from this ungrounded place. I'm reflecting on all of this through looking at the way in which my thoughts impact how I feel in my day-to-day and becoming more of an active director, an active conductor in them. And that I'm seeing day in and day out that when I do that with more intention and more consciously,

I am creating for myself a wholly better reality in my life. And we can apply that to every aspect of our lives, to our relationships, to our relationships with humans, to our relationships with the news, to our relationships with social media. You know, the more conscious we become of the choices we're making, and the more we understand that we don't have to feel like shit all the time. It is not a rule, right? And we have power over that, and the power that we carry, it is limitless. It's not limitless from the perspective that I'm going to become a tennis player. I'm not saying it from that, a pro tennis player. I'm saying it from the perspective of, because like you said, we have no idea what the future holds, why would we put limits on what we're able to make of our future? Why would I

sell myself short? I don't have to. Why would I lock myself into my fearful thoughts? It's not necessary. I can allow for them. They're going to come anyway, even if I don't allow for them. But it's like, I don't have to abide by them. I can get in the habit and have gotten in the habit when my mind is telling me untruths. And anytime I believe our minds are suggesting that we are somehow less than or unworthy, that is a lie. I don't go to war with my mind the way I used to, but I absolutely shut it up. I'm like, that's a lie. I don't believe that. I don't align with that. I hear you, but I'm not internalizing that information anymore. Because when I internalized

the lies of my mind... Hey y'all, I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love.

So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present and future, all to see ourselves, and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. It's a little bit of past, present, and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I made myself sick. I felt like crap. I was living in my fear. I wasn't sharing myself the way I'm able to now. And it's like, it's okay to call your mind out when it's lying. It's okay to

say that's not true for me. And what I feel is truth, Eric, when I feel most connected to what feels like my truth, it's when I am aligned with love. That's when I feel like I'm connected to source, when the information pouring through me is just love yourself and everyone else. Love yourself and everyone else. Even that guy? Yes, even that guy. Even that horrible person?

Yes, even that person. Love, love, love. And when I'm in that space, I feel at home. When I get out of that space, I'm out of alignment and I can feel it. And I act out of that space a lot because we're human again. But it's like when I can pull myself back into alignment with love, into that source energy within me that is boundless and loving and compassionate all the time, I feel most at home and most at peace. And that's where I want to live. That's a beautiful way to wrap up that topic. And I'm going to add anything to it.

I did want to change directions here before we run out of time to ask you a question, something I read. Again, I was sort of trolling your Facebook to pick up some potential topics for this. And you wrote, I'm getting really intentional about creating more connection and joy in my life. And shocker, I seem to be creating more connection and joy in my life. So besides what we've talked about here, which is saying, all right, I'm going to be very intentional about what thoughts I allow to take up a lot of space in my brain. What are other things that you're doing to create more connection and joy in your life? joy in your life, which is to say, I believe that we all intuitively know what we need to be doing to take care of ourselves. And it's just about paying attention to the choices we're making.

So for me, taking walks outside in nature is probably number one joy and peace creator in my life. So I know that when I'm actively doing that, I am adding to my life in a joyful and peaceful way. You know, meditation can be one of those things for me. Dancing, what I've been doing lately, which isn't something I'd ever done before, and I kind of can't believe I've never done it before, but when I get out of bed after maybe peeing, turning on music loudly and dancing for like three or four songs, just dancing my ass off and starting the day with this joyful, exuberant, excited energy. Even when, if I wake up in this like cloudy, foggy place and think, well, I'm not going to do that today. I turn that music on and I dance and

what I feel is joy. And what I understand is that I am entering my day with this momentum of joy and this momentum of energy. And that guides me into my day in a really positive way. As far as connection, it's about being really conscious about reaching out to people whom I love. And so, what I encourage you to do is to look at the things in your life that tend to create joy. You know, I don't believe we can automatically just say, I choose joy and then suddenly we're living in joy. I believe we can absolutely think about the things that we can do in our lives that create joy and do more of those things.

And what we're likely to find is that we're feeling more joyful, right? And it's the same way for connection. It's the same way for love. It's the same way for anything. By the way, it's the same way for connection. It's the same way for love. It's the same way for anything. By the way, it's the same way for misery. Like stay in relationships where you feel disrespected and you're likely to feel disrespected more often in your life. You know, foster relationships where you feel people are seeing you and accepting you and loving you and you're likely to feel more accepted and seen and loving in your life. For me, Eric, this is like one plus one equals two spirituality. These are the most simple concepts.

Pay attention to your choices, make more choices that have you feeling good and fewer that have you feeling depleted, and your life changes overnight. And I know all the things we've been talking about today, so much of it is very simple to say and not always as easy to do. It takes practice, but why wouldn't we be practiced? Why wouldn't we practice it creating more joy and peace in our lives? Because the alternative is we're sitting in misery. You know what I mean? It's like, why wouldn't we be giving our energy over to things that make us feel better, you know, as often as possible and see what it does. And if what you see is that, oh my God, I've been giving my energy over to this thing that

makes me feel joyful for a half an hour a day. And I'm noticing a shift like, hey, I'm feeling a little more joyful. It's not by accident. And that's where our power lives. On one hand, I agree. It's one plus one equals two. Do more things that make you feel good. You're going to feel better. Pretty straightforward. Joy's been on my mind a lot lately. And I've been digging deeper into it because I started to reflect on, I think I've done a pretty good job of eliminating the thought patterns and emotional patterns in my life that caused me misery, the ones that dragged me down, the ones that caused me anxiety and angst. And I feel like I've done a pretty good job of just sort of being like, all right, you're out. I'm not entertaining you. You're not hanging around. But that didn't necessarily, in my case, translate to joy. And so dance, as an example, to joy. And so dance, as an example, I have started to think dancing, that seems to be something that makes me feel better. But I would not have arrived at that conclusion on my own in perhaps a million years. Would I ever have by myself thought I should dance more? It was only

by hearing other people say, and I thought, well, I guess I'll give it a shot and go, oh, I kind of like that feels good. I think for me, I'm starting to realize that I've got these practices that I do that are very good wellbeing practices, my exercise, my meditation, my sleeping well, my eating well, all those things. And I think those have really stabilized and given me a point of general wellbeing. But that next level of joy, I guess what I'm learning is I have things to learn there. But I think it's all a process too, right? It's like what you said earlier for me is a miracle. Like you said, you've gotten really good at, you didn't say pushing away, but like the thoughts

that create misery. And this is someone who said earlier in the program that depression is something that's been a part of your life. And so for me, that's a miracle. Like that, that for me is a show that when we're intentional and active in our practices, in the work we do, it yields results. When you commit yourself to something, that something happens. There's no other possibility. You know, I've said before, when you commit yourself to grow, you grow. That's what happens. That's why I believe so much that it just takes practice. These things don't happen overnight. We all want the panacea. We all want the one pill that's going to suddenly make us joyful and happy. But it's also no surprise to me or no accident that you've been getting in touch with people now where dance

keeps coming up because you have cleared energetically some space in your life where you're not mired in misery in the same way or whatever it was for you, whatever our stories are, and we all have our stories. You've cleared some space now where it's like other opportunities are presenting themselves. Hey, try this. Hey, try this. Hey, this might make you smile. Hey, this might get you excited. Hey, this might bring you joy. And you'll play with some and you'll stick with the ones that you like and you'll discard the ones you don't. And then suddenly you're finding yourself living with more joy. Joy wasn't a focus of mine either, Eric. And it's become such a focus of mine lately. And because it's such a focus and because I'm being so intentional about creating it,

I'm living with more joy in my life. And I'm like, my God, this feels good. You know, like, I would say peace has been a real focus in my life. I like to create more peace. I like to live with a lot of ease. And I'm able to create that and generate that in my life more easily than ever. But now I'm like, I want to celebrate more. The world is telling us that we should be miserable from every angle. We are assaulted with news and ideas that this world is nothing but a violent and ugly place. And there is violence and there's a lot of ugliness and there's a lot to work on and work through and heal. Yes. And there's a whole other world that exists that is about beauty and joy and celebration and love. And by the way, when we're working with these energies, this is part of the

way we heal those other things. Yeah. I could not agree more with everything you just said there. I think like you, I would say I have had a lot of focus on ease, creating more ease. And I think I've done a really good job of that. But like you, I feel like I'm drawn into celebration. I'm feeling drawn into joy. I'm feeling drawn towards a slightly higher level of it. And I think it is. We just keep exploring and see what works. Yeah, and there's no downside to it.

That's the other thing I really feel in my heart is it's like there's no downside to it. That's the other thing I really feel in my heart is it's like there's no downside to it. I think that we live at a time where a lot of us feel guilty about being joyful when there's so much pain in the world. And so we quiet our joy because it feels somehow disrespectful to the other experiences going on. I really love to see people celebrating. I feel like we need to see more people who are honoring their joy and expressing it and allowing that energy to be contagious and see what that creates in our world. The same way love is contagious. And we know, I believe, love is our greatest healer. So the more of us who are centered in love and expressing love and sharing love from a grounded place, this isn't woo-woo stuff. This is understanding the power of love. We all know it intuitively. Even the most insensitive among us know love to be the thing we're all longing for the most, right? And this energy is contagious. So that's what I'm about. That's what I'm about as much as ever and more than ever

right now. Well, I'm going to leave it there, Scott. I think you sort of summed up so much of it beautifully there. I'm not going to try and add anything to it. You and I are going to talk a little bit more in the post-show conversation. I'm going to talk with you a little bit about your new podcast. And I also want to talk about some interesting conversations you had on there around gurus, teachers, guides, coaches, all that sort of stuff, how we work with those sort of people. Listeners, if you're interested in the post-show conversation, a special episode I do each week called Teaching Song and a Poem, ad-free episodes, and the joy of supporting an independent podcast that needs your support, you can go to oneu feed.net slash join. Scott, thanks so much

for coming on. It's always such a pleasure to talk with you. Yeah, thank you, brother. I love talking to you. Thank you so much. If what you just heard was helpful to you, please consider making a monthly donation to support the One You Feed podcast. When you join our membership community with this monthly pledge, you get lots of exclusive members-only benefits. It's our way of saying thank you for your support. Now, we are so grateful for the members of our community. We wouldn't be able to do what we do without their support, and we don't take a single dollar for granted. To learn more, make a donation at any level, and become a member of the One You Feed community, go to oneyoufeed.net slash join.

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