The One You Feed - Special Episode: Tips for Living in Close Quarters

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

Many of us are staying at home right now because of the COVID-19 pandemic and if you live with people, chances are you have had moments of feeling irritated, frustrated, or annoyed as a result of being cooped up in close quarters together. This special episode has all-new interviews with 5 previous guests of the show, each offering you tips to help you navigate the difficult feelings and situations that come with spending so much time at home with loved ones. The guests of this special episode are Susan Piver, Lodro Rinzler, Rosalind Wiseman, Ralph De La Rosa, Rick HansonYou can find all of the most up to date crisis help & support resources that Eric is making available through The One You Feed by going to www.oneyoufeed.net/helpYou can also access a free video in which Eric teaches you 3 perspectives you can take to help you navigate these challenging times by going to www.spiritualhabits.netIn This Episode, We discuss Tips for Living in Close Quarters and…That we are all subject to unbidden moods in these circumstancesHow to grow closer through experiencing the ups and downs togetherResisting the urge to solve the “problem” of difficult feelingsTo be with each other we need to be comfortable being with ourselvesStrategies to help you avoid snapping at your loved ones Turning towards your feelings rather than your thoughts How we’re face to face with our own minds right nowFeeling what we feel without judgment and without a storylineWhat to do when you feel highly triggered The simple question we can ask ourselves before acting on a feelingWhat to do to prepare before having a difficult conversation with someone you live withHow humor can helpWays to cultivate a warmer heartThat listening is being prepared to be changed by what you hearA helpful structure for family or household meetingsHow we can prepare for difficult emotional experiencesTaking ownership of our own emotionsHow to relate to our irritationRemembering the people you live with are suffering, tooThe phrase, “Like me, you, too, ____”How to reduce the way we take things personallyThe neuroscience of why tuning into internal bodily sensations worksBeachbody On Demand: Workout at home with this easy to use streaming service with over 1300 super effective workouts suited for anybody at any time. Listeners of the show can get a free trial membership when you text WOLF to the number 303030. Clean Cult: Makes effective cleaners with non-toxic ingredients you recognize and packaging that’s landfill-free. To get 25% off your first customized starter kit go to www.cleancult.com/wolf (this offer is good through May 30th, 2020)Laurel Springs: An accredited online private school for students K-12. Personalize the learning program and learning schedule for your unique child with Laurel Springs’ diverse and enriched curriculum. Register your child at www.laurelsprings.com/wolf and receive a waived registration fee.Links to Other Episodes:Susan PiverLodro RinzlerRosalind Wiseman; ‘Rosalind’s “Tiny Habits:Ralph De La RosaRick HansonSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Okay, about this episode. One of the things that I heard from many of you was that being cooped up at home with family members was challenging. Whether it was the Piver, Lodro Rinsler, Rosalind Wiseman, Ralph De La Rosa, and yet another visit from the always great Rick Hansen. I hope this provides you with some useful tools for navigating close quarters with your loved ones. Welcome to The One You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like, garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or Thank you. matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like

why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast.

Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF,

and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. First up on this episode, we have Susan Piver, a meditation teacher, speaker, and New York Times bestselling author of nine books. Hey, Susan. Hey. I appreciate you coming back on and spending a little bit of time with us. As I mentioned to you earlier, the subject of this episode is really, a lot of people are in very close quarters with people.

They're not getting any break from them, whether it be their kids or their partner, and they're finding their irritation is growing. They're finding that they feel bad, like they should be doing better. I shouldn't feel this way. And so we're just offering listeners some different ideas on how to work with this situation. Yeah, I can completely appreciate the difficulty that so many are facing in close quarters and routines are disturbed and time is no longer manageable in the same ways. And so the first thing I would say is, please don't get

upset with yourself for becoming irritated. And please don't expect yourself to be able to handle anything, you know, the way you normally would, because everything is upside down. And no matter how well intentioned we are, and how much we love our families, which I'm sure people do, we're all subject right now to unbidden moods and mood swings. So to have patience with ourselves, easier said than done, I realize, and patience with others, also easier said than done, is required right now. And it's expected that people would be uncomfortable. Right. Yeah. I think that's so important. I mean, I think there's a couple of things in what you just said that came to mind for me. One was, A, you're not alone. So you're not the only person out there who's doing the fact I'm doing an episode about it means you're not alone because enough people I've heard it from that I've gone,

oh, I need to do an episode about that. And, and then secondly, like you said, I think we are in very difficult times and none of us knows how to cope with what we're doing. I've, I've like you said, I think we are in very difficult times and none of us knows how to cope with what we're doing. I've often said, it seems like a lot of people are working at about 40% capacity right now. So it's just a hard time. It is a hard time. And I, at first, I'm sure like many people were like, oh, I'll write that book and I'll redesign my website and I'll learn to speak another language. And I quickly realized that those were terrible ideas and that this is actually more of a chance to experience at least a little bit of liberation from the tyranny of productivity. I mean, when you're a parent, it's different. There are things you must do and responsibilities that you have that you cannot experiment with

ignoring. But instead of trying to get things done and make sure your kids' homeschooling is perfect, to work with the people you love as someone who's on their side, someone who can maybe help experience this together, because we can't help people solve the problem of pandemic. But we can, I believe, grow closer through experiencing the ups and downs together, as opposed to trying to perfect it and ward it off, to feel what your loved ones are feeling with them, is I think the most beneficial thing you can do

certainly more beneficial than trying to get them to feel something else or solve the problem of difficult feelings which I know we want to do for people we love but it's really a chance to practice being with each other I love that that That's great when everything is upset. No, no, no wisdom tradition says that. However, many do say that when you enter an experience where you have no more game, where your strategies no longer apply, no one says that's great. No, that feels good, but there is some sense that there's an opportunity for something fresh to enter, something more deeply wise to arise in our minds, because they're not bound by convention right now. Yep. That is one of the great things about a lot of wisdom traditions is they do point us towards this idea that growth can come from difficulty. And actually, modern neuroscience does too with post-traumatic growth. of productivity. Like, okay, I have to make this a time for growth. And the thing I think is so interesting is that a lot of the work on post-traumatic growth

seems to be the way we grow through difficult situations is not by learning another language or by homeschooling our children perfectly. It's by facing our own emotions and our thoughts directly. That's very interesting. And that makes a lot of sense to me. emotions, and our thoughts directly. That's very interesting. And that makes a lot of sense to me. And at the same time, interestingly, at least in my experience, it's much more likely that that will happen, that you'll be able to face what you feel and experience the truth of your inner world if you don't make it a project. Like, I must conquer this. And, you know, these are the three steps to do so. It requires more bravery and more spaciousness than that to actually just approach yourself and your experience with curiosity rather than a punch list.

Yeah. Which is hard to do because that's, you know, culturally not encouraged. Which is hard to do because that's culturally not encouraged. Yeah. When we're in a moment and I'm feeling really irritated and I'm about to snap again at, say, my kids, what are some sort of on-the-spot things that we can do to work with our emotions right then, right in that moment that are a little bit more skillful, a little bit wiser ways to work with those emotions as they're arising in the moment? I have two mini suggestions. Well, three, actually, now that I think of it. One is very, very simple. It may sound very trite, but try it and see what happens. And that is to literally feel your feet on the ground. If you're sitting up and your feet aren't on the ground, put them on the ground and

literally transfer your attention from your anger, from your thoughts, from your irritation to your feet and really just feel yourself planted on the earth. I can't really explain why that's helpful, but that's just one suggestion of something you could try. A second suggestion is instead of trying to stop feeling irritated, which never, ever, ever works. That's like throwing gasoline on the fire because that's an aggression. Aggression does not defeat aggression ever in the history of planet Earth, as far as

I can see. But what does seem to be useful is to turn toward what you feel and allow yourself to feel it in a particular way. This might sound woo-woo, but it isn't. So we usually, when we say turn towards what you feel, what we do is turn toward the story behind what we feel. Well, it's because you said this and you did that. And I told you never do it again. You did it anyway. It's the ninth time today and rah, you may be completely right, but that's not the feeling. Those are the thoughts behind the feeling. The feeling usually lives in the body. It's you feel it in your chest or in your stomach or your head or wherever it is you feel it. Some people feel it in the environment

rather than in their personal body. But if you turn your attention to the feeling, and just sort of go, Oh, it doesn't feel good, but let me experience it separately from the story that gave rise to it. That introduces a little space. And that space is everything when it comes to expressing anger. That space is everything. It's not a mystery that people count to 10 and so forth. It's the same principle. Just introduce space with gentleness toward yourself, which means you feel what you feel. And then the third and final suggestion is you're just going to get irritated and you're going to feel bad and you're going to apologize and you're going to be human. And, you know, let yourself off the hook.

Give yourself a break and try your best to be kind, of course. But when you lose your temper, come back to square one. And square one is always, I'm here. I love you. I don't want it to be this way. I want to be connected. That's ground zero. So you can always just come back to that. Wonderful. Those are three great suggestions. Thank you so much. My pleasure. It really was nice to talk with you again. You too. I enjoyed it very much. Good luck with everything. Please be well. Thank you. Next up, we have Lodro Rensler. He's an author, Buddhist meditation teacher, and in addition to his books on Buddhist meditation, also has a weekly Huffington Post column. at the time that had just started. And I was touched by your generosity in doing that. So

thank you. That's very sweet of you. I just remember having a great time with you. I don't remember big or small. Great conversation. And I'm glad you've been so well listened to and all of that that's still out there. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. So the topic here is people are cooped up. They're staying at home. For some people, there's a lot of people in a really small space. And part of what they're wrestling with is irritation and frustration with whether it's their kids driving them crazy, their partner driving them crazy, and they're feeling irritated and they're feeling bad about feeling irritated. Like, oh, geez, I really wish I wasn't so grumpy with my kids. So I'm just trying to offer people some

strategies for dealing with all of that a little more skillfully. Yeah, I love that. And it also reminds me of two things. First thing is someone put out on Twitter the other day that my wife and I have a fun game we play during quarantine. It's called Why Do You you do it that way? And there are no winners. I sort of love that because the other day I was like, take, I was cleaning the cat litter and my wife was like, will you dump it in here instead of over there? And I was like, are you kidding? Both of us are meditation teachers and we had to laugh at ourselves and be like, look at that. What a, what a cliche. You know, it is that sense of we're on top of each other. There's not the same sort of level of interaction with other people that we would normally have. It feels like there's just, it's like breathing stale air at times. So I understand why people

would feel a wide range of emotions, which is the second thing I want to mention. What you just throw out is like, okay, we've got frustration. We've got resentment. We've got guilt because we don't want to be snapping at that person over the cat litter. It's like we've got it all. And there's something very juicy and human about this moment where we're being face-to-face with our own mind to a large degree. I don't think there's often many more distractions for us to be like, oh, I don't want to get annoyed with this person or I don't want to feel this way, so I'm going to go dot insert your favorite habit, have a drink, binge watch Netflix, go spend time with friends, go for a run, whatever. And here it's like, oh, I'm still in the room with you. Okay. So I guess in terms of bringing on that meditation teacher guy,

the thing that you would not be surprised to hear is the idea that the principle of mindfulness is being present to what's currently occurring without judgment. So if we feel anger, it's okay for us to feel anger. If we are feeling shame or guilt, it's okay for us to feel that. So I think there's some aspects here that maybe the difference in terms of like being in this space and having these strong emotions but not causing harm to ourself or others might just come down to can we feel what we feel without judgment that we drop the stories that we tell ourselves of oh my gosh they always leave things in the sink or whatever it is drop the story feel the feeling and when we feel the feeling and it could be those three

things, it could be guilt, it could be shame, it could be frustration, it could be sadness, there could be any number of things. But all of a sudden we're saying, oh, I'm actually getting to the heart of the matter instead of just reacting. All too often, when we have strong emotions, and don't get me wrong right now, I mean, we could talk about family on top of each other, we could talk about nonstop news cycle. I know that you've got a great series going right now. family on top of each other. We could talk about nonstop news cycle. I know that you've got a great series going right now, but it seems like a lot of it is there's fear, anxiety, panic at the door. What are we going to do? Are we going to hide? We're going to go in the other room and pretend like it's not happening? Or are we going to open it up and say, come on in for a bit. Come on,

sit down across the table from me. We're going to have a chat. When our chat's done, I'm going to ask you to go and that's essentially what the meditation techniques that i offer are it's not even a load or a rinse or anything it's like buddhist meditation generally can we just be with the thing you know being mindful of the breath and that allows us to acknowledge stories come back to the breath that's a great training ground to let go of stories but here what we're talking about today is that sense of sitting across the table from anger or fear and saying, okay, what's your deal? Can I just feel you without adding fuel to the fire? Instead of adding that fuel, pouring gas on top of the fire, without adding all of our stories about why someone's wrong or what we should do,

we're just holding our hands up and feeling the warmth of the thing. Feeling the warmth of the fire long enough that we say, okay, if I don't add fuel, at some point it goes away. It dies out. The motion moves through us as opposed to getting stuck in the body and the mind. That's such a challenging practice to drop the story because it's like, all right, I'm going to drop the story, feel the emotion, and I drop the story and i start to feel the emotion then boom there's the story again i go hang on a second i'm dropping the story go on you know this is just practice right you nailed it yeah as usual um it's just like training the mind in any other direction yeah we wanted to learn a new language we would sit there

and we'd go over the same language drills day in day out until we finally were able to feel fluent enough to speak it. Same thing with this. It's like we might make mistakes along the way. Mistakes are so incredibly human. No one's made more than me. But there is something about like, okay, I've got to learn from a thing and I'm not going to act that way again. It's actually one way that we learn is saying, okay, I don't want to snap at the person about the cat litter again.

That doesn't feel good at all. And we learn that way too. And it sort of gives us the impetus to say, I've got to try something else. And I've got to double down on the practice of it all. Yeah. Maybe two quick ways to interrupt that would be one, one of my favorite things, particularly if you feel highly triggered by an emotion and they are doing the cat litter wrong or whatever it is, is to just take three deep breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth. You need to do seven, do seven. But you understand when we focus for a short period of time, 30, 60 seconds on something like that, it de-excites the body, but also drops the storyline for that 30 to 60 seconds, which is long

enough of a gap for us to say, okay, what want to do here how do i want to right and the other thing if we are also just like playing out the same story over and over and over again about the cat litter at some point we might want to just ask ourselves a simple question is this helpful which i love just getting inquisitive we're like oh maybe the first time on how i want to talk to them about it that's helpful the second time i. The 50th time, this is no longer helpful for me. Right. By becoming gently inquisitive with the stories we tell ourselves,

we might be able to drop them that much quicker. Excellent. Well, wonderful. Thank you so much for those short bits of insight. This is a big topic, but we've got several very short conversations. So thank you so much. And get the cat litter right, man.

Yeah, I know. It only goes in the toilet from now on, I promise you, Eric. Cat litter in the toilet? Oh, you're going to get emails from listeners. Somebody's going to have a problem with this. I'll have his email in the show notes, folks. Thank you so much. My pleasure pleasure thanks for having me back Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart Series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow.

I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love.

All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor.

We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, cruise really do his own stunts his stuntman reveals the answer and you never know who's going to drop by mr brian cranson is with us how are you hello my friend wayne knight about jurassic park wayne knight welcome to really no really sir bless you all hello newman and you never know when howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging.

Really? That's the opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead.

It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our next guest is Rosalind Wiseman. She's an educator, writer, and founder of Cultures of Dignity. Two of Rosalind's books are on the New York Times bestseller list. Hi, Rosalind. Welcome to the show. Hey, thanks for having me. I'm excited to have you back on. And what we're going to talk about today is we've got a lot of people who are living in close quarters and spending a lot of time together. And it's getting challenging for some people. Kids are driving them crazy, partners irritating them. And so I just wanted to get some tips from you on how to cope with this or how can we deal with these emotions?

Well, first of all, I think acknowledging that we're all in a hard situation is really important. And it's inevitable that people are going to get on each other's nerves and you can still love people and they can still irritate you to no end. So both things are true. You love people and you can't stay on them at the same time. So I think that's really important to remember. Second, as I think that when we have, we're things are going to get heated. I mean, this happened to me yesterday where with one of my kids where things are going to get heated, and nothing is really going to go well in that moment. So in that moment to be able to say, okay, we've gotten to a place where things are not going to get better in this moment. So we need to, like, we need to do something later when we've calmed down. But beyond that, you also have to prepare. So what I

do, especially with my children, is in my big children, they're 17 and 19. But I really, no matter how old they are, I try and remember and keep in my head before I'm going to go talk to them at a time or a place or an age or something where I can just feel so fondly of them before I go and talk to them. So I think this would work well, even, you know, it doesn't have to be your kid, but like a partner that you think of something that they did that really made you feel great, or that they really did something for you, something positive so that when you walk into the meeting, you're not bringing with you all this hatred and resentment that people can see on you the minute you walk in the door.

And I also just want to make a caveat that this is really, I'm talking about basically functioning relationships because many of us are, unfortunately, too many of us are in relationships that are abusive or people are in our families or are closest to us, related or not, are truly undermining our dignity. And so that's not what I'm talking about. That's a different situation. But I'm talking about, in general, relationships that are basically functional but still can have moments that are really hard or you feel disrespected or undermined. Lots of great points in there.

I think the first one is that to expect like, yes, we're going to feel this way and that it's okay. And I was talking with somebody yesterday who was just sort of, she was basically saying like, I shouldn't be irritated with my children. I feel, and I'm like, wait a second, everybody gets, everybody gets irritated with their children, right? If you're not going to get irritated at your children, who in the world are you going to get irritated at? Who is more irritating and who knows how to get under your skin better than your kids? So I just think that's so funny. And I think what you just did there is a great thing. Like, yes, it's, you know,

a sense of humor about a lot of this can, can really help us. So it's okay that we feel this way. It's normal. And then I like that bringing better memories to mind sort of before we go into a situation trying to cultivate a little bit of a warmer heart. Yeah. Well, I try and remember it when I'm going into conversations and it can be hard. Yeah. Yeah. Any other ideas? I think that if you want to have a conversation with somebody, you can call it like a family meeting. Like, so say for example, your kids aren't cleaning up. Maybe somebody who's listening to this can relate to this. You come downstairs in the morning and the kitchen is wrecked like

every day. And I, and you just can't, you just, you just lose it. And that's not a good time to have a family meeting, but later you can say to people, like I'd like to be able to have a meeting about this and people are gonna roll their eyes and they're gonna try and blow you off. And that's sort of what in some ways what being a family is, but meaning that you can sort of take liberty sometimes that you don't take with other people.

And I want people to think of, well, what's my goal? And what is the thing that I wanna accomplish during this meeting? Like what's the one thing I wanna do about how I show up during this meeting so I can be taken seriously, but also I can possibly listen to other people. And again, like had this experience yesterday, where I really am in a very large disagreement with my 17 year old son about the way he sees things and the way I see something about, and we had a pretty big conflict yesterday. And it gave me the opportunity to practice what I preach. And I'm sitting there

and I'm thinking to myself, how in the world is this person not understanding what I'm saying, or doesn't give it any credit. And I really do believe that listening is being prepared to be changed by what you hear. It doesn't mean that your opinion and your experience doesn't matter. But if you do really need to, or I try really hard, and I would ask people to think about that listening is being prepared to be changed by what you hear. And so the like last the concrete thing I could say is an extension of that is that I think people should go around and take turns like one person speaking for a minute or 90 seconds. And the rule is that no one's going to interrupt them. And everybody goes around and then and says their one minute, and then people can ask clarifying questions. But you need to be clear about what a curious

clarifying question is versus like an obnoxious question that questions your intelligence. So right. And so I think that also needs to be a level set in the very beginning of like the questions we will be asking are curious questions like well i don't like for example i don't understand when you said this or i'm really not getting it can you give me more information about that is different than the tone of voice of like why would you ever think that you know you not emptying the dishwasher i mean that those kinds of tones of voice, you're just making it worse and they can't listen to you at all. Yep. I love that idea that listening is preparing to be changed. It's so good. It really points to even a deeper openness. It's hard to practice. It is hard to practice because we think we're right. Right. To substantively answer that,

it's that we think that our truth, we are so focused on getting the other person to understand what we are saying and to agree with us that in the process of that, that we stop listening to the other person. And I, again, like yesterday, I so vehemently was disagreeing with the person in my family that I was having this conversation with. And yet there was a moment in the conversation where he said something that I actually got his emotional truth. I got it. I saw it. And as soon as I saw it, I think what happened is he saw that I saw it. And then the conflict level went down. Yes. Yes. It's amazing what happens within us when we finally feel heard. Yes, exactly.

You know, we can stop making such a racket because we're like, oh, okay, I've been heard. Yeah, yeah. You know, so yeah. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to come on and share a couple ideas with us. I appreciate it. And I appreciate your honesty and openness about, you know, the fact that even people who write about this stuff for a living have these challenges. Oh my gosh, all the time. And actually, just let me say that I have these things for parents now

that I'd love for people to check out. And some of them are free. Some of them are for purchase, but some are free. And it's all about how do we treat each other with dignity in these times in very concrete ways. And so they're called tiny guides. And they're for parents to be able to look at and to be able to help them. Not some enormous resource that's exhausting and, you know, just like, oh God, I can't do one more thing. Yeah.

But one tiny little things that can help you throughout your day. Great. And where are those? On culturesofdignity.com website on my website. Perfect. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you.

It's a pleasure to talk to you again. Absolutely. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty,

it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. It's a little bit of past, present and future all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander.

And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really Know Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you, and the one bringing back

the woolly mammoth. Plus, does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Brian Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir.

Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's the opening? Really, No Really. Yeah, really. No Really.

Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the I heart radio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jason Alexander and I'm Peter Tilden. And together our mission on the really no really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions.

Like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor. What's in the museum of failure. And does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Thank you. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, Ralph. Welcome back. Hi, thank you so much. It's great to be back.

I'm happy to have you back on the show. We are talking today, as I mentioned to you earlier, about, you know, people who are spending a lot of time together with their family members or cooped up with other people and they're noticing some irritation rising. And, you know, just try to give people some skills for dealing with that irritation as well as dealing, in some cases, with the bad feelings they have about being irritated. So just any ideas you have around that topic in general? Yes, absolutely. You know, I actually listened to a podcast recently that was an interview with an entire family who did a through hike of not the Appalachian Trail, I believe the Pacific Coast Trail. And they had

a seven-year-old kid with them as they went on a six-month hike together. And every day, this kid would have a complete meltdown that would last about 90 minutes. And they came to call it Cry 30. The family came to call this moment Cry 30, where they just that that this kid was going to have a meltdown and they were going to have to endure it they were going to have to stop let go of their plans and just like ride it out with her and they came to anticipate it and they even gave it this name right uh and that helped them to frame the experience and to uh help them really to befriend the experience and to accept it and it was really interesting because then the kid got on

and she talked about her experience of like having these daily meltdowns, but being supported by her family. Wow. And how over the course of these hikes, the freakouts got less and less. She got it down to where it was like maybe 15, 20 minutes and they started out like full hour and a half. And so what I was thinking about when you invited me onto the show is, you know, if we can anticipate that we're going to be irritated, if we can anticipate that we are going to be frustrated or that we're going to be triggered or set off,

that is actually in a way good news because we can prepare for it. Certainly, giving situations a name like that helps it to become more concrete and less amorphous. Certainly, any time that we name an emotion, it changes which side of our prefrontal cortex is engaging with that emotional experience. We actually move from what's called the avoidance systems to the approaching systems, meaning that we're more likely to get curious about the situation. If we can just name it sad or frustration or anger, we're more likely to go into problem-solving mode. But if we know, if we're living with a roommate or a family member that has been routinely getting on our nerves, you know, we can front load our day. I mean, this is really where

meditation comes in so handy, right? We can front load our day in anticipation for such situations, you know, maybe do a little extra meditation or a little extra calming breath work in your meditation practice to to front load your day and really set yourself up i love that idea i made me think back to a previous relationship of mine which i will not name but one in which the other person had a certain behavior pattern and this is is slightly different, but I started to ask myself, like, why am I getting upset that this keeps happening? Because of course it keeps happening. Like, it's like getting mad that the sun is coming up every day. Like, at a certain point, if I can just expect that this is what's going to happen, I'm not going to react so strongly to it.

I'm just going to go, well, yes, of course it's happening again. Yes, exactly. And in that way, you are taking ownership of your own emotions, right? Because there's the person's behavior and that's theirs and that's their stuff. But, you know, why are we taking their behavior so personally? Right. Unless it's coming directly at us in some way. And even then, that's their stuff. Right. at us in some way. And even then, that's their stuff. There's that famous story of the Buddha who gets accosted by somebody while just walking down the street for no reason. And he tells them,

hey, listen, you're somebody that I've allowed into my house, but you have a gift for me that I don't accept. You hang on to your hostility and anger. I'm not going to accept that today. accept you you hang on to your hostility and anger i'm not going to accept that today yeah and that's that uh mental framing of it helped him to let it go and not be perturbed by somebody else's bs yeah that's a great story what we're really in the realm of here is talking about how we relate to our emotions right but it's never just irritation you You know, it's, for example, you know, it's irritation usually plus my wanting the irritation to go away, right? And that's a certain type of relationship. Like if I was in the presence of a friend and wanted them to go away,

it's a very similar thing. You know, we could also not care that we're irritated. We could also be totally intoxicated and taken over by the irritation. And in that way, the irritation dictates everything that we think, say, and do now. But we could also befriend the irritation, feel it in our bodies, again, name it, and hopefully that opens the doorway to getting curious about it. One of the things I love to do with clients is ask them, you know, what are you feeling right now? Where is it in your body? You know, is it tightness? Is it heaviness? Is it tingles? Something else? And maybe just

placing a compassionate hand there and letting that part of you know that I'm right here with you. That sort of inner attunement has actually been shown by neuroscience. Dan Siegel actually talks about this a lot. We have almost the exact same neurological response as if somebody else was holding that space for us. When we just turn inside and let our emotions know, like, I'm here with you. I hear you. I feel you. This is really hard right now. But before we even get to that moment, I think just knowing that that moment is going to come and preparing for it is huge. If I may just offer one more little anecdote here.

Yeah, please. I've actually come up with a couple of clients who are at home with kids right now and who have told me that, you know, at this time every day, that is just when I hit my breaking point. And I just, I, you know, no parent really wants to be irritated with their kids, but I think that it's natural to be irritated with your kids. They're a lot. Yes. And that's okay. You know, not admitting that you're irritated with your kids, that's more of a problem, right? And I'm a huge advocate. And this is what I told, this is what I'm constantly actually telling clients is just go to the bathroom. Mom needs to go to the bathroom right now. Dad needs to go to the bathroom right now.

Let's go to the bathroom for, you know, 20 minutes, do a breathing exercise to the bathroom right now dad needs to go to the bathroom right now let's go to the bathroom for you know 20 minutes do a breathing exercise in the bathroom or you know just know that this is you know it's your cry 30 moment right even if it's not uh at whatever time of the day it is you know you know that it's going to come and so you can prepare well for it. You can breathe. You can name the emotion. You can relate to the emotion. You can prepare yourself well with a solid self-care ritual in the morning. We have so much agency to impact our mental, emotional world much more than we think that we do.

Yep. Yep. Well, thank you. Those are two wonderful ideas and very helpful. And I love that first story. I think that's great. And yeah, thank you so much for taking the time to come on. It's such a pleasure to talk with you. Yeah. Thank you again for having me. Short and sweet. Yes. These are short and sweet. We're trying something different, but it seems to be going well. So thank you. I love it. Thank you as well, Eric. I hope to speak with you again soon, man.

Okay. Last and most certainly not least is Rick Hansen. He's the founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom and an affiliate of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Rick has also been an invited speaker at Oxford, Stanford, and Harvard and taught at meditation centers worldwide. Hi, Rick. Welcome back. Eric, it's a pleasure to be here. Just the shared interest in the fundamental theme of your work, you know, the one you feed. So I'm really glad to be having a chance to talk with you again. Yeah, it's lovely to have you. I think this is like twice in two weeks or something for us. So that's's lovely to have you. I think this is like twice in two

weeks or something for us. So that's good. I like it. I'm always happy to see you. So this little special episode is about dealing with our families, mainly our loved ones and being cooped up and getting irritated with the kids or frustrated with the spouse and just how to deal with those emotions more skillfully. Yeah. Just love to get a couple ideas from you. Okay, that's cool. Well, first, I'm living the dream or nightmare. My wife and I were sheltering in place with our 32-year-old son for about a month, and that got kind of old for him, including not being able to see his girlfriend.

And then meanwhile, as he moved to an apartment nearby, so now we practice social distancing, which broke my heart. I mean, it's going to be months probably before I give my son a hug again. I'm an older person, so I'm a little more thoughtful. My wife's also older. So, you know, we're attentive there. Meanwhile, our daughter moved back home from Greenwich Village, Manhattan, right in the middle of the Petri dish. And probably had the illness so far.

So we're all living together. I moved out of a bedroom. I'm sleeping in the living room now. It's happening. And I think of it a little bit like we're separated from people that we really like spending time with. And we're cooped up with people who we love. But after a while, it can kind of start to grate. So what to do about it?

I'm in a similar boat. My son has been quarantined at home with his mother. So he's back from school, but quarantined at home with her. So I see him when we go take like six feet apart walks, but I miss him. I wish I was seeing more of him. Yeah. So lately I've been really reflecting, I'd say, on probably a couple really practical things. The first is to remember that they're scared too. They're stressed too. Their wolf of hate is poking its head up, looking around, maybe for something to bite also. Their wolf of love inside is longing for connection. In other words, they're in this boat too. Yeah.

And just that recognition may be expressed in the mind with soft thoughts like, like me, you, fill in the blank. Like me, you too are stressed. Like me, you too, miss doing a lot of things you used to do. Like me, you too are finding other people annoying, potentially myself. Yes, that's always a useful thought. Yeah, common humanity, in other words. That really is great. And neurologically, in the brain, that sense of compassion and common humanity and shared kinship, you know, that we're in this storm together, does good things in the brain. It releases oxytocin,

which tends to calm down activity in the alarm bell of the brain, the amygdala. It also, because it is emotionally rewarding, helps buffer negative emotions, positive emotions, buffer negative emotions. So, you know, neurologically, it makes sense why it works, but fundamentally, it just feels good to realize, you know, they're suffering also. That is a great point. Great reflection. I have found that to be out of years of studying Buddhism, I found that basic idea that everybody I see wants to be happy like me, to have been such a powerful, over the years, just transforming the way I view the world. It's so powerful. That's totally true.

And there's a second thing that I've been doing a lot myself, and it relates to my latest book, Neurodharma, because it's one of the methods that I explore in it based on this really good recent brain science. It's simply that when we get a sense of things as a whole, maybe a sense of our body as a whole, or the room we're in as a whole, or the whole situation we're in altogether, right? Or you move your eyes out toward the horizon. So you're kind of moving away from yourself. What that naturally does is it reduces taking things so personally and getting caught up in being attached to various parts of things and our attitudes about parts of reality, and draws us into a more impersonal, in a healthy way, sense of reality altogether, the big picture. And including just looking out to the horizon, it's very effective. And when you do that, you just notice within a breath or two or three,

you're getting calmer, you have more of a sense of the big picture, you're less caught up in your own opinion, you know, your own righteousness, my precious, you're less caught up in your own opinion you know your own righteousness my precious you know all that stuff it's a really effective method it's great i love that idea i think that that speaks a lot to zen practice or just buddhist practice in general which is yeah tapping into this vastness that's here you know this yeah i like the science there that's behind that and i've just always thought like anytime we could take a bigger perspective exactly right you know bird's eye view big picture you know just and yeah you just watch what happens uh there you are typing away

on your computer irritated about something then you say okay. And you just look out the window, right? Or you look up at the sky, you see clouds. Within 10 seconds, you start feeling better. It works. Yeah. Yep, yep, totally. That's another great one. You want a third one out of my bag of tricks? Sure.

While we're here, yes. We've got you. Let's get a third. And all of these are evidence-based, right? Both the evidence of direct practice, which you and I share an interest in, as well as scientific evidence. Yeah. A third simple go-to is when we're starting to feel stressed or irritable or pressured, you know, just not good. A very useful thing to do is for a breath or more, like three breaths in a row,

tune in to the internal sensations of your body. So you could feel the air coming in, you could feel your chest rising and falling, you could feel your diaphragm moving. These are internal sensations distinct from, say, touching the back of your hand. And when we tune in to our internal sensations, we draw upon a part of the brain called the insula, which is very involved with that. And when that part of the brain gets active, it quiets verbal activity, partly in part because we're tuning into nonverbal sensations. So you get the benefit there of quieting the voice in the back of the head, the inner chatter, the inner narrator. And also, as we tune into our body, it pulls us out of the default mode network, which you know about, more kind of in the back

of the midline of the cortex, which is where we go when we're lost in thought. And it's really where we go when we're ruminating, when it's really where we go when we're ruminating. Right. When we're caught up in negative rumination, worries about the future, worries about things we can't control, regretting decisions we've made, resenting other people that they're not being safe enough, or they're being too paranoid, or whatever our deal is, right? The ruminator, you know, the default mode network's like a big simulator ruminator. The ruminator gets quiet. A circuit breaker of sorts flips when you tune into the internal sensations of your body. And here too, you can notice the benefits within half a minute. I love it. Those are three great tips

and really helpful. So as always, Rick, thank you so much for joining us and sharing your wisdom. Oh, Eric, it's a pleasure. And when you give that nod to ancient teachings, the heart of which is really a recognition of impermanence, right? The radical transience of experiences, the slower but still transience of things like a pandemic, keeping in mind impermanence, a practice you and I share is a really useful thing these days too. Amen to that. Sometimes just remembering this too shall pass is really good medicine. Yeah, that's right. Yes. Thank you. It's a pleasure to see you again. Good to see you

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