The One You Feed - The #1 Mistake People Make When Trying to Change Behavior

Episode Date: May 14, 2016

The #1 Mistake Most People Make When Trying to Change Behavior Starting Too Big The key to making lasting change is to break things down into really small steps. Most people want to start at point A and jump to Point Z but you don’t get there overnight. Break the new habit down into the smallest possible increments and be specific when planning each step along the way. In the beginning the most important part of behavior change is to be successful. This increases your motivation and makes you want to do more. If you start small it is much easier to “succeed” and build from there. For example, let’s say you want to take up a meditation practice. Instead of trying to meditate for 30 minutes a day, start with 3 minutes. Then once that becomes a daily habit increase it to 5 minutes, etc. As Leo Babuta of Zen Habits says “Make it so easy you can’t say no.” On one of our earlier episodes Dan Millman discussed the importance of “starting small and connecting the dots”. You will be amazed at what a series of small steps done consistently over a period of time will accomplish.     The Tale of Two Wolves A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other.  One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear. The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?” The grandfather quietly replies, the one you feed The Tale of Two Wolves is often attributed to the Cherokee indians but there seems to be no real proof of this. It has also been attributed to evangelical preacher Billy Graham and Irish Playwright George Bernard Shaw. It appears no one knows for sure but this does not diminish the power of the parable.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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for the top five mistakes that people make when they're trying to change behavior. And by the way, when I say sign up, I don't mean you have to sign up for the coaching program. I mean you sign up to get more information. So no obligation there. I didn't really say that right, but hopefully that's clear. And this episode is going to be about the first one of those on the list, which is starting too big. So most of us, let me give you an example from my meditation life. So I would meditate for a little bit, quit, and I'd pick up another book about meditation or Buddhism. I would read about it.

I'd get all excited about the benefits that were there, and they would recommend meditating 30 minutes a day. So with my newfound enthusiasm, I would sit down and meditate for 30 minutes, which was very, very hard for me to sit still for that long with my brain doing everything it's doing. It just was very uncomfortable. But I'd got through it for a day or two days or three days, but the whole time it was feeling like quite a strain, right? I didn't really have the ability to sit there that long. So this time around, which started a meditation habit that's been daily for about three years now, which started a meditation habit that's been daily for about three years now, I started really small.

I started with two minutes, and I did two minutes a day for about a week. And then I went to five minutes. And I don't remember the exact cadence in which I ramped up, but I did it that way. And that makes such a big difference. And all the coaching work I've done with people and all the changes I've made over my life and in all the studies and science I read about behavior change, this is such a big one. We start too big. And part of the problem, if you listen to or remember our episode with BJ Fogg,

who is a professor at Stanford who studies behavior change, and his behavioral model says that behavior happens when motivation, ability, and trigger come together at the same moment. And so we can talk about why small steps really apply with this. Because to start off, I was describing, you know, I really didn't have the ability to sit for 30 minutes a day, or at least not without enough discomfort that it became something I really liked. You could use the same analogy for running. You don't start running five miles out of the gate if you haven't been running. Because even if you do that five miles, it'll be miserable and you'll have a very difficult time doing it. And so in order to do that, your motivation will have to stay sky high. But the

motivation doesn't stay as high. So back to the meditation example, I read the book, I'm very motivated, right? So I start the meditation. But over the days, I read the book, I'm very motivated, right? So I start the meditation. But over the days, I sort of forget what I read, you know, I'm not maybe as clear on why I'm doing it, I'm tired, my motivation goes down. So if my motivation is down, then my ability has to be much higher. And so by starting very small and gradually increasing, your ability increases. And in most cases, when you're successful at what you're doing and it's not miserable, your motivation increases also. So you're able to take that behavior point that occurs and move it higher and higher

because your motivation and your ability are growing together. The key is to get what you're trying to do to become a habit that you do every day, even if that habit is five minutes. At least you're now in the habit, and that starts to become a part of your day. Leo Babuda of Zen Habits says, Make it so easy you can't say no. And so what we want to do is start way smaller than you think you need to, and build.

On another earlier episode, actually one of our very first episodes, Dan Millman, author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior, had a phrase that I love a lot, which is start small and connect the dots. And I'm amazed by what a series of small steps done consistently over a period of time will accomplish. So in the beginning, it seems trivial to do it for five minutes, but that five minutes builds the muscle to allow you to do it for 10 minutes to 15 minutes. And you can apply this to any habit you want to build, exercise or meditation, or if you're trying to write more each day or spend more time focusing on creating music or whatever the thing is that you want to do more of. Starting small and building is the way to do it.

So hopefully that's helpful. If you want to know the other four biggest mistakes people make when they're trying to change your behavior, go to oneufeed.net slash coaching program and sign up and you will get that download and you will get more information on the coaching program. And that is available. We will take that down on May 25th. So I'd love to have you check out the program, see if it's something that makes sense for you.

At the very least, I'd love for you to have this list of behavior change mistakes so you can avoid them. As always, I'm really glad and honored that you are here and listening and we'll see you on Tuesday with another episode. Thanks, Bye. Thank you.