The One You Feed - The Most Effective Strategies to Overcome Anxiety and Build Positive Habits

Episode Date: April 17, 2026

In this special episode, Eric coaches a listener named Tommy on the most effective strategies to overcome anxiety and build positive habits. Tommy struggles with low-level anxiety, self-doubt, and difficulty acting on healthy intentions. He knows exercise and social connection help his anxiety, but often defaults to avoidance and self-criticism instead. Eric introduces his SPAR framework: Specificity, Prompt, Alignment, and Resilience, to help Tommy create actionable plans and overcome mental hurdles. They also explore self-compassion as a tool for breaking the cycle of guilt and inaction, emphasizing that lasting change requires both structure and kindness toward oneself. Exciting News!!! My new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available! Key Takeaways: Discussion of the challenges in following through on positive behaviors like exercise and social connection. Exploration of internal struggles, including a harsh inner critic and feelings of shame and inadequacy. Importance of creating specific, actionable plans to bridge the gap between knowledge and action. Introduction of the SPAR method: Specificity, Prompt, Alignment, and Resilience. Examination of the cycle of avoidance and guilt related to anxiety. Strategies for setting clear intentions and reducing ambiguity in daily plans. Emphasis on the role of momentum in managing anxiety and maintaining positive behaviors. Techniques for reframing negative self-talk and treating oneself with kindness. Encouragement to focus on small successes and build a supportive environment for change. For full show notes:⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠click here⁠⁠⁠!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you enjoyed this special episode, check out these other episodes: How a Little Becomes a Lot: A Real Coaching Session on Small Changes That Stick How to Create Elastic Habits that Adapt to Your Day with Stephen Guise By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed, and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you! This episode is sponsored by: Brodo Broth: Shop the best broth on the planet with Brodo.  Head to Brodo.com/TOYF for 20% off your first subscription order and use code TOYF for an additional $10 off. Quince: Refresh your wardrobe with Quince by going to Quince.com/feed for free shipping and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Rocket Money Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/feed. Pebl – an AI-powered platform that helps companies hire and manage global teams in 185+ countries. Get a free estimate at hipebl.ai Hello Fresh – Get 10 free meals + a FREE Zwilling Knife (a $144.99 value) on your third box. Offer valid while supplies last. David Protein bars deliver up to 28g of protein for just 150 calories—without sacrificing taste! For a limited time, our listeners can receive this special deal: buy 4 cartons and get the 5th free when you go to www.davidprotein.com/FEED Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If I am clear, like the next two hours have nothing planned except me laying on the couch and reading a book, I can relax into that. But if I'm unclear, it's where I default into a behavior that it often doesn't feel great. Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true. and yet for many of us our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don't have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit.

But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf. We're doing something a little different today. Instead of an interview, you're going to hear a coaching conversation, a real one, not scripted, not rehearsed.

We did one recently with Brigitte and many of you really loved it, so today we are back with another. And the reason I wanted to do this is that so much of what I write about in the book and so much of what I talk about on the show lives in the space between knowing and doing. We know what would help. We know what we should do and we don't do it. Not because we're lazy, not because we're broken, but because something happens in the gap between the plan and the action.

And then something even worse happens afterward in the way we talk to ourselves about it. That gap is where I think coaching is most useful, not giving someone information they don't have. Most of us have plenty of information. but working through the specific, practical, sometimes embarrassingly simple stuff that actually makes the difference between a day that feels like yours and a day that just kind of disappears. So that's what you're about to hear. Me and Tommy working through his version of that gap, and I think a lot of you are going to

recognize yourselves in what he shares. With my book tour coming up, I realized I wanted a little bit of a reset in my clothing, But I've been trying to buy fewer things, but better ones, and Quince has been great for that. I picked up a linen shirt that if you come to Boulder or Santa Fe, you might see that's exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. Lightweight, breathable, super comfortable, and yet looks nice without feeling fussy at all. Their men's linen pieces in general are great for spring. What I also like is that Quince uses premium materials but keeps prices 50 to 60 percent lower. really than similar brands by working directly with ethical factories.

Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash feed for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash feed for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash feed. Hi, Tommy. Welcome. Hey, Eric. Thanks for having me. Yeah, I'm really excited to get to talk with you about some of the things going on in your life and do a little live coaching and hopefully add some value. So why don't we start off by having you just tell us a little bit about yourself and the challenges that you're facing. Yeah, it's a little bit about myself.

Tommy Zora, I have two sons. One's going to be nine in a few days and the other one's 10. so they're 18 months apart. I'm out of Buffalo, New York. I work in tech sales. I've been sober for quite a while. What I struggle with is really, not necessarily like a full-blown panic attack, but more of just like a low level, low decibel,

like kind of dread or anxiety that something's going to happen, like an impending doom type of feeling. Can't really always pinpoint what it's going to be, but just have a feeling like something bad's going to happen or something something is going to not go my way. Definitely, you know, the anxiety I know when it hits. I should be out in nature, go on a walk, go to the gym, go to a meeting. But it's tough sometimes my mind tells me like, just go lay down or just sit on the

couch and veg out and can just kind of maybe think this through and get into a different mindset. And I know from experience, it just doesn't work, you know, kind of overthinking. Sometimes I don't live life. I ponder it, you know, I'm thinking, you know, more than I'm actually, you know, you know, out there living. Definitely carry, you know, a little bit of shame, you know, accepting, you know, some of the things I said or did when I was out drinking were quite embarrassing.

It was a while ago, but still I kind of feel that shame or embarrassment that I'm less than. Everyone else has their stuff together but me. I don't use much social media, but I use LinkedIn and I go on and you see all these people winning awards and going on presidents club trips and, you know, I do fine at work, but I kind of feel like, oh, man, everyone. I'm out there living their life and I'm here in my house. I'm scared. I just like fear has got me gripped.

And people on the outside will even say, you know, you got a lot of good things going on. You know, I'm healthy. My sons are healthy. I'm not worried about, you know, housing or anything like that. But just feel like I'm less than. Like I don't deserve to enjoy life like other people do for some reason. Like I don't just don't feel like I deserve, you know, things to go in my own. way or to get lucky or to catch a break.

Almost like that mindset of like, you know, I just have bad luck or that's just how it is. That's kind of what I've been struggling with for a while. It gets better and there's better days and then there's worse days. Well, thank you for sharing all of that with me and with the listeners. That's a lot to carry. But I think everybody's going to relate with that to some degree, many people to quite a great degree. Let's walk through a recent decision point where you,

were feeling the anxiety and you chose not to make the decision that you think would have been helpful for you as far as, like you said, going out in nature or going to a meeting. Can you give me a recent example? Yeah, I would say, you know, last weekend was when I woke up. And for me personally, like, sometimes mornings are the worst. You know, wake up from a good night's sleep. And it's like, I try not to use my phone in the morning, but my brain's going, going, you know, thinking of all this stuff I got to do. And like last weekend I was like, okay, it was nice out here. Let's go for a walk in the park.

Maybe I can go to the gym, go grab a coffee, you know, kind of do like normal things. And part of me was like, just stay home, like stay in my bedroom or in my house. and I just didn't have the umph to do it. I just didn't, and I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew I'll feel better later. You know, it's kind of like, do I want to feel better later?

Do I want to be lazy now? And then it caught up with me, you know, like you lay down or you relax. So then the guilt sets in of like, oh, I should have went and did that and I didn't. And I got a black belt and like beating myself up really. Like, I'm like not, like, why didn't I go to the gym? Why did I just?

I have no excuses. So like last weekend was one of those days where, It was like dinner time and I kind of was like, I didn't do anything today, like really super productive. Or some of these things I could have knocked off my list or done. And you go to bed kind of feeling guilty about it or, you know, ashamed like why everyone else goes in the gym, everyone else is at the park and why am I just wanting to stay here and like live in my head? Okay. And when you do that when you stay home versus do the things you want, does that make your anxiety worse? It does.

Yeah. It definitely makes it worse because I have more time to sit there and think and I'm not, you know, it's the one thing like action, you know, like depression hates a moving target or, you know, action, like action is the antidote to keep my feet moving. And when I don't feel even worse about it and the anxiety creeps up even more because I'm not doing what I should be doing. And I kind of like you know in your spirit, you're not doing the things you should be doing to. Yeah, to make you feel better or just, you know, live a normal life. Let's pick a time where it could be a week, I don't know how long, where you're really kind of firing on all cylinders,

meaning you're like doing what you think you want to do, you're doing the things that are important, you're being a good dad, you're doing well at work, like you kind of feel like you're on your A game. What's the anxiety like then? Does it still feel like an awful burden or is it turned down enough that it feels pretty manageable? It definitely turns down. That momentum gets going. Like you go to the gym and then you're going here you have a couple great work meetings and then you hit him you go to a meeting at night and connect with a couple friends and then that it kind of carries over like you get that momentum going and it also goes the other way if I'm not doing it it kind of like snowballs into like now I'm not doing anything for a couple days um but when I'm on like when I'm on fired I feel like I'm

firing on all cylinders and things are just going my way or going good um I'm doing what I got to do the anxiety is a little bit less uh still there but it's still there but it's not nearly as much when I'm being active and knocking things off the list and going to the gym, going outside, connecting with people and going to meetings, I feel a lot better. Okay. So it sounds like there is an underlying anxiety that is kind of there in general. And I'm not really equipped to take that piece on. But what I'm hearing, and I just want you to validate that you would agree, would be that what we have on some level is a behavioral issue, that when your behaviors feel on point, your anxiety feels manageable. Yeah? Yeah. I totally agree with that.

So I think there's a couple things then that we could work on. We could talk about how to make it more likely that you take those behaviors. And then I think the second thing is it's really worth talking about how to deal with yourself when you don't because you won't do it perfectly all the time no matter what. And you've got a pretty harsh internal voice that is going to start piping up the minute it that you're not living up to every aspect of life that you think you should. So I think those are two sort of challenges that I think it's worth working on. Does that make sense to you? Yeah. Yeah. Sound correct? Yeah. Directionally. That makes sense. So I want to pause here for a second,

because what Tommy just described, that cycle of avoidance and guilt is one of the most common patterns I see. Here's what I mean. Our brains are wired to solve for short. term discomfort. When you feel anxious or overwhelmed or just kind of heavy, the brain says make this feeling stop. And lying on the couch makes it stop. Scrolling your phone makes it stop. Staying in bed can make it stop for about an hour. And then you've got the original feeling plus a layer of guilt on top of it. But your brain doesn't calculate that far ahead in the moment. It just wants relief now. I call this the tension between what we want most and what we want now.

And I think it's worth naming because it reframes the whole thing. Tommy's not struggling because he doesn't care enough or doesn't know better. He's struggling because his brain is doing exactly what brains do, choosing immediate comfort over delayed reward. So the question isn't what's wrong with me. The question is, how do I set things up so that the right choice is easier to make. And that's a much more solvable problem. That's where we go next. So the first thing that I noticed when you described your weekend was a, I should do this or that or that or that. And what I hear in that

is what I would call ambiguity. And ambiguity is really problematic for those of us with mood issues because you're not ever at a point that you have to make a decision. You're at a point where you're contemplating what decision you might make, right? So you're trying to both figure out what to do and do it at the same time. And that, in my experience, is a recipe for failure. So one of the things that I think would be helpful is to get clear. Like, okay, tomorrow is Saturday, and here's how I want to spend my day. and to get very specific about it and to pick like the thing that will start.

Okay. You know, the best way to start for me is to get out and take a walk first thing or whatever it is. And so let's talk about what that might be. Like, what do you think would be on an average weekend? And I would assume you get a little bit more lost on weekends than you do during the week because your week has some degree of structure that carries you through it. Yeah, definitely.

So, yeah, let's pick an upcoming weekend and think about like, what do you think is like the ideal way to spend that day? Not the perfect way. Not every moment scheduled into positive behavior. But what might a day like that look like like that would feel like you were taking care of yourself and your family and the things that were important? Yeah, it would be definitely like first thing in the morning

is getting some movement. And whether that's at the gym, is it a walk outside, kind of starting the day with a little bit of movement, definitely spending time with family or friends, you know, kind of my loved ones close to them, you know, taking care of just like household chores, like knocking things off the list, this has to get done, this has to get done. Maybe having some quiet time too. You know, I like to read.

I'm a big reader. Listen to a podcast or two. So spend a little bit of time kind of like in reflection. Obviously try to go to some meetings on the weekends, connect with guys that I have in my group, but kind of keep it, you know, like a steady busyness throughout the day where I'm doing something productive or something useful throughout. throughout the day, but also having a little bit of downtime. And that's where I struggle sometimes. Like with the downtime is like, I could be doing something else. I could be doing something more productive.

Why am I sitting here? Yeah. And I think what we want to get to is conscious choice. And what I mean by that is downtime that you decide you're going to take is downtime that you can relax more than downtime that happens because you're not clear on what to do or you're not doing something else. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, I'm certainly that way. If I am clear, like the next two hours have nothing planned except me laying on the couch and reading a book, I can relax into that. But if I'm unclear, it's where I default into a behavior that it often doesn't feel great. So I want to focus on like next weekend, which is like two days away. How much do you have planned at the current moment? Is it a pretty open weekend? Yeah, it's like a pretty open weekend.

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It gives me something to do with my head. hands at the end of a long day sitting in front of a screen. So go to hellofresh.com slash feed to get 10 free meals and a free Zwilling knife, which is $144.99 value on your third box. Offer valid while supplies last. Free meals applied as discount on first box, new subscribers only, varies by plan. We're not going to have time to go through all the steps we would go through if we were working together, but I want to start with Saturday. And what I want to get clear on is like, what does Saturday morning look like in a great deal of specificity? Movement is a good goal, but it's not a plan, right? So we want to get really specific. Like, what time will you get up?

What will you do before you go out and move, if anything? What is the movement going to be? We want to have a very clear plan. So help me think of like what Saturday morning. ideally would look like. And you just have to pick something, you know, should you walk outside? Should you go to the gym? I don't know. We're just going to pick one for now. Yeah, it would be like wake up around, you know, 6.30 a.m. usually like the time I'm getting up every morning. I try to keep the same on the weekends. Okay. You know, I have two boys. They get up early. And usually like a walk outside, if the weather's nice, would be like my first, my first thing, but I never have like a set time. Like it's not like written. Like, I'm going to go for a walk at seven. But it would look like, you know,

look like wake up, you know, maybe I'm at the house for a minute and then get outside, go for, you know, like a mile or two walk. Okay. So before you have coffee, before you do whatever the things you do in the morning, get up, get yourself awake a little bit, get out the front door and walk for a couple miles. Yep. Okay. Where will you walk?

Usually I live on the, right by a park. So I walk to the park and then I walk inside the park. Perfect. Okay. So we know when we're doing it. We know what we're doing it. We don't need to really figure out how. walk in is fairly obvious. I use a method in the book that I call SPAR for doing this. And so

specificity is the first step. The second step is a prompt. Like, what is going to tell you to do it? And so it may be as simple as you just remember, I wake up, I walk outside. You know, it's first thing. So you don't need necessarily a reminder to do it because you do it first thing. Do you think you need a reminder or you think you'll just be like, okay, I know what I'm doing here? I usually kind of know what I'm doing and I'll have like, I'm an index card guy. Like I'll put it on an index card or even leave like my sneakers like right to by the stairs when I come downstairs. I see him. Great.

Well, you led us to the next step of A, which is alignment, which is setting up our environment to make it likely that we'll succeed. So this is like you said, having sneakers by the door, you know, doing everything you can to make it likely that you'll go out. It's sometimes having support from other people. So do you think it's something you would share with your wife like, hey, I'm trying to get out on a walk tomorrow morning. You know, does that help to share it with someone else for you? Yeah, usually would like share it, like let them know this is what I'm going to do. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. It's not her job to hold you accountable, but you've said out loud, this is what I'm doing to someone else. And that support is valuable having your shoes by the door. Alignment and environment also is thinking about sometimes we'd have to see. as we went on, but sometimes even that you have to back up to the night before and be like, okay, if I'm going to get out of bed at 6.30, I better make sure I don't pull the 2 a.m. Friday night plan, right? So that's another example of alignment. And then finally, R is for resilience,

which is where we think about what could go wrong with this plan. So what is likely to get in the way of this Saturday morning plan? Um, besides myself, you know, possibly a family member needing me to, you know, to take him somewhere or someone needs to be picked up or someone gives me a call the night before and wants to do something else. Or even in that morning, like someone calls me and then I'm on the phone for a half an hour, kind of throws me off my schedule. And then it doesn't end up, you know, kind of gets in the way, you know, little distractions can like kind of throw my regiment out of whack. So how likely is a 7 a.m. family need or call? it's not very likely like half and half. All right.

So here's what I would say is we're not going to do it here together, but I'd like you to do it on your own, which is think about what you will do in each of those circumstances. So if a friend calls you, the plan, and we often do this just, you know, if then, if a friend calls me, then I will say, hang on one second. and you will put on your shoes and you will walk to the park while you talk to your friend. So, like, that's a way to handle that one. If a family member wakes up and needs something, then I will try and decide either, you know, I can take care of it real quick and the minute I'm done with it, I will get out the door and walk. Or another one might be when that happens, I will say, I would love to do that and help you

with that. I'll be back in 30 or 40 minutes and then we can do that. Yeah. So just sit down and think about what you'll do if this doesn't work. So that's the SPAR plan. And you can apply that to anything you're trying to do, is get specific. And I think that's going to be a big one with you is we don't want to schedule every minute of your weekend down to the last moment. That sucks the joy out of it.

But it is good to have a number of things in there. particularly if you know your pattern. And in the beginning, my experience is we have to be more specific, we have to be more structured, we have to be more clear. And then as momentum builds, we can often let a little of the structure, you know, fall away. My experience is one of, I'm in a place now with most things I do, that the structure is pretty loose. and there are times that I am feeling off emotionally, maybe I'm feeling off physically, I'm under stress of some sort that's different, where I need to sometimes tighten the structure

up again because I'm back in that sort of wobbly place. And so you'll play with that over time. But early on for you, it's probably good to have some degree of things sort of slotted out roughly in your mind, you know, to sit down and write yourself a plan. All right, I'll go do a walk, I'll come back, then I'm going to make breakfast for the kids. You'll probably think and be like, oh yeah, one of them has this tomorrow, the other has that tomorrow. So you slot that in. It's just like building a schedule. It's probably what you do at work all week, right? You know when your meetings all, you know where your calls are, you know what else needs to get done. You put it all together

and ideally you have a plan. So that's the structural element of what we need to do. And I think we've covered it well enough that you know what to do next. Yeah? Yeah. So if you were listening to that and thinking about your own version of Tommy's Saturday morning, your own thing that you keep meaning to do and don't, I'd encourage you to try what we just did. Pick one thing. Get specific about it. Not all exercise more, but when, what, where. figure out what's going to remind you, set up your environment, and then, and this is the part most people skip, sit down and think about what's going to go wrong and decide in advance what you'll do when it does. That whole process takes maybe 10 to 15 minutes, and it won't

solve everything, but what it does is get you to a choice point. And that matters more than it sounds like, because most of the time, when we fail to do something, we never actually decided not to do it, we just drifted past the moment. The morning got away from us. We were going to, and then we didn't, and we're not quite sure when the decision happened. That's ambiguity winning. A specific plan eliminates the drift. It puts you at the door with your shoes on, facing a clear yes or no. It's more uncomfortable than drifting because now you have to choose, but at least you are choosing. And that's where a different type of work begins, because what happens at that choice point, the conversation you have with yourself in that moment is a whole

different challenge. And that's what Tommy and I explore next. The next thing is you said it, you said it very well. I said, what could go wrong with this plan? And you said, well, besides myself. So we want to talk about yourself because this is the next element that happens. If we get all the structure right, then we put ourselves at a choice point. And in that choice point, which is I just woke up, I'm awake enough now, it's time to walk out the door. At that choice point, then we often find ourselves making the decision we don't want to make. So I want to spend a little time and talk about that. So what is likely, I want to stay specific with this example, on Saturday morning to be the sort of thing that might derail you internally?

Could be, you know, like having like that dread or that anxiety or the feeling of this walk doesn't, it's just one walk, it doesn't matter, you know? Like it's just, I was just going to go for two miles. Like it's fine, I'll do it tomorrow. and then that waterfall, you know, then it's like the next day, and then doing no walks, and it's like, doing that one walk is like so,

so doesn't matter at all, that it's okay, giving myself like an internal pass. Like, I don't need to go today. It's, or I'll go later tonight. And, you know,

that's ever happens. Kind of minimizing that's just one walk. Yeah. I call that the insignificance trap. I've got a section in the book that I call the six saboteurs of self-control. And these are the things that happen in those choice points. And one of them I call the insignificance trap, which is exactly what you said.

Your brain goes, who cares? It's just a walk, you know. It's just no big deal. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it later. And it's really being able to connect the dots in our mind. And the thing about it is from one perspective, a two-mile walk does not make a difference in your overall health long term, you know, over the next 30 years, whether you take a walk tomorrow

or not does not likely matter. You're not adding years to your life by getting out the door tomorrow. The thing that's important to think about, though, is that it does all add up. And it's why little by little is often hard, because you look at one little thing and you go, eh, who cares, right? You know, so it's connecting the dots in your mind. And it's also realizing that the biggest consequence of not going today is that you're likely not going to go tomorrow. That's its most direct effect. We build momentum when we start to string positive action together. It starts to become easier. And so that's the piece that's really important about that as well as connecting the dots of just really recognizing like, okay, you know what? This thinking I'll do it later or I'll do

it tomorrow is part of what the problem actually is. So it's really mentally connecting the dots. Talk to me about dread. Dread or anxiety, like what's happening there in your mind that you think might derail you? Walk me through what you're thinking or feeling. Yeah, so, you know, like sometimes I'll, like, hey, I got a plan. I'm going to go for a walk at 7 in the morning and I wake up. And like I mentioned, like the morning sometimes are tougher for me. Like as the day gets going, like I try to get outside and get in the sun and I tell myself,

it's just a cortisol. It's just a cortisol. You know, like I wake up kind of like, Jack, up a little bit almost. Like, you know, the tempo's fast. Like, I got to get this done. I got to get that done. I got to take care of this and that.

Yes. And sometimes, like, I'll, instead of going on the walk, I'll just, like, sit there and think about things and worry about this or worry about that, like things that are far in the future or I'll think about things that happened in the past, you know, fairly,

playing things over in my head. And then before I know it, I'm kind of like, I don't really feel like it or, you know, it doesn't matter. You know, like I said, things are significant. It's like, I'm like, I want to,

to lose 10 pounds. I'm like, I'm not going to lose 10 pounds on this one walk. So who cares like it, you know, so that. And then it, that carries over the next day or the next day before you know, it's, I'm never going. But the anxiety can definitely, you know, it comes and goes, but it can definitely like kind of cripple me where I don't, I don't really have motivation or I don't, I guess like, I don't say hopeless, but like, knowing that that that walk is good for me is kind of like, eh, it's like, it doesn't, it just doesn't matter. It kind of like that. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. of attitude. Yeah, so that's back to the insignificance trap, right? You have to find what you can say to yourself that will help you see that it matters. What sort of things have you said to yourself in the past that help you get past that? You know, like, it's a habit.

Like, I need to build a habit. I need to have the discipline and the feeling of not doing it. Is the feeling of not doing it, the pain of going on that walk or that run? Is that more than like the guilt and the pain I'll feel later for not doing it? So sometimes I'll do things because I know I'm going to feel better, number one, physically later, but I'm going to feel better about myself.

Like, the more I miss it, the less self-confidence I had. I started like, I can't keep any of my words. I don't have any discipline. And then back to, like, beating myself up. Like, all the other guys are at the park and I'm not. And, you know, I'm a loser. Like, that'll, like, kind of get in the way. Yeah, that all does get in the way.

And I want to talk about that in a minute. I think one of the things to kind of recognize is can you name what you're feeling and then talk to yourself about the better way to handle it. So for example, what's happening when you wake up and you're feeling anxiety and you jump on your phone or you start piddling with something else? You're trying to relieve the anxiety. That's what it is. It's a habitual response to that anxiety.

And what you want to be able to do, and this is why you want to get yourself. to a choice point, right? And this is going to be the trick with not completely specific time to be out the door. You may end up needing to say, 645, I walk out the door. You may need to get that specific, right? Because we want to get you to the choice point. If you're not at the choice point, your brain is in the habit of just doing the very vague, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet. Right?

So you want to get yourself on the horns of the dilemma. so to speak. And then we're trying to bring as much consciousness to that moment as we can. And the consciousness for you, one of them will be, oh, I am, I'm feeling really anxious and I'm really wanting to be on my phone. My phone is calling me. My computer is calling me. I'm anxious. The saboteur, this one is I call emotional escapism. We don't like how we're feeling. And so we bail out. For you, it's going, I'm anxious and the better way to solve my anxiety is to walk out the front door. And you may have to coach yourself. Like, this is figuring out what you say to yourself that allows you more often than not to win.

But early on, even clear awareness of the moment is helpful. But you want to name that. Or you want to name if your brain's really doing the insignificance trap. It doesn't really. Like your point. I got to lose 20 pounds. This isn't getting it done. Yeah.

And you learn to say to yourself, no, but it's the place that I start. Whatever it is, because I can't give you those words. You've got to find them yourself. And it may take you a little while of trying it and it not working and then trying it again and until you find the words that tend to learn to coach yourself. My versions of this avoidance are just usually some version of, I don't feel like it. Yeah.

You know, there's just usually some version of I don't feel like it. And most of the things in my life I've got enough momentum at this point that I simply trick myself into starting. I say this on the podcast all the time. It's embarrassing how often I need to say to myself, just put on your gym shoes or just get over to the weight room, like that I have to just get that little bit done. But it works. That's why I keep doing it.

And resistance is real. I think at any stage of our journey, we face resistance. We want to be habitual because we want these things to happen with no effort. That's not the way complex behaviors like this tend to work. You can make brushing your teeth habitual. It's harder to make something like this habitual, but you can cultivate momentum, and that's kind of what we're after. Yeah.

So do you feel like you have, A, the tools to plan out Saturday and be, at least some new strategies for how to talk to yourself? Yeah, I think being more specific, like instead of just saying, oh, in the morning, because in my mind, I'm like, well, up until 11.59, it's the morning. You know, I could go at 645 to then, and it's leaving me with a lot of options that get distracted and, well, I can do it at 10.

Like being like, this is the exact time. I'll get out of the door at, like, being very specific about it rather than just kind of like, I'm going to walk in the morning. It's very loose. Very vague. I have a list of things I try and do every morning before work. And there are times that I just do, it just happens. I'm in a good phase. It's just happening. I am not there right now. I'm in deep in book launch, which means certain mornings that I would do it just get washed away because I've got to go do this or I got to go do that. My consistency is a little out of whack. So I'm having to get a lot more specific. I'm having to like plan out

and then I'm having to set an alarm on my phone. So, okay, I give myself, you know, 20 minutes to have my coffee and maybe look at substack or something. Then I need an alarm because now I'm at a choice point. That alarm tells me to go do the next thing. I need more structure right now than I often do. As you do this, you'll find what works for you. So here's something I want you to notice about what just happened. We got the plan in place.

We got specific. We figured out the prompts, the environment, the backup plans. And then we hit another problem. Tommy had it exactly right when he said, besides myself. You can have the best plan in the world, and it still comes down to what happens inside you at 6.45 in the morning when the alarm goes off and you don't feel like it. I spent a lot of time in the book on these moments.

I call them moments of action. In the seconds where you're standing at the door with your shoes on, and your brain is making a very convincing case for the couch. And what I found in my own life and in working with a lot of people is that the inner obstacles tend to run on a few predictable scripts. Tommy's brain runs two of them almost simultaneously. It tells them the action doesn't matter, and it tells him to escape the feeling.

Those are two of what I call the six saboteurs of self-control in the book, And once you learn to recognize them, they lose some of their power. Not all of it, but some. And some is enough to change the odds. But there's a layer underneath those saboteurs that I think does even more damage, and it's what I want to get into next. Because Tommy isn't just fighting avoidance. He's fighting a story about who he is.

And that story, that he's less than, that he's broken, that everyone else has it figured out is the kind of thing that turns a missed Saturday walk into evidence that he's a failure. That's a different kind of problem and it requires a different kind of work. All right, so now what I want to talk about is this harsh internal critic

and this feeling that everybody else is doing better than you are. And I want to give you a couple of approaches here. And I think the first is, and this you just kind of have to take my word on. But if you pay attention to other people, you will, not their social media feeds, but other people you actually know, you'll probably find that lots of people struggle with exactly these same things. Yeah. We don't want to compare ourselves to Tony Robbins, right?

Like, I am not wired up inside like Tony Robbins. It's wired up. That is a bad comparison point. But what I do know is that I talk to lots and lots of people, both people that I coach, people that take my programs, as well as really successful people that I interview on the podcast. And I know that all of them struggle with stuff like this. There's periods where they do better.

There's periods where they do worse. There's times that they deal with discipline. I found a book once, or maybe it was just an essay or whatever, but it was all the absurd things. And these are well-known writers do to make it so that they cannot access the Internet when they're trying to write. And you would think, like, these guys, you know, they've written multiple books. They know what they're doing. What they know is that it's hard. They're giving their Wi-Fi password, making their wife change it every morning.

They're gluing shut their Ethernet ports. I mean, they're doing ridiculous things because this is a human struggle. And that, I think, is really, really important that you recognize. that. It's a human struggle. And if you're working and taking care of kids, it's hard to start then doing a lot more than that, particularly with an anxiety condition. Yeah. I think it was you like with the solitaire, with the blocker. Is that you with the? Yeah. Like the structure sometimes just isn't there. Like I think it's structure, but it's, if you break it out, it's not. It's just an idea or a thought. Right. And then the other thing that I'm just,

think is really important that we start doing with you is that we start paying attention to what you're doing instead of what you don't do. Meaning you are viewing this through the lens of I keep not doing these things that I know I should do. However, you do plenty of things that you quote unquote should do, meaning you show up, you work, you're probably a good dad. You do take care of yourself sometimes. you're probably a kind and decent person.

You're right. There's all these things that you are doing. And a principle is that motivation goes up when we feel good about ourselves and about our chances of success. And it goes down when we feel bad about ourselves and our chances of success. So the key to the way to keep motivation up is to find a way to feel good about ourselves. Now, this is not blow smoke up your ass, be out. That's not what I'm advocating. But I'm advocating that if you were to do 50% of the time do what you should and 50% of the time do what you shouldn't do,

you're better off paying attention to the 50% that you do because it's going to build a little bit more of a good feeling in you. If all you do is focus on where you fall short and that's the way your brain is trained. So this is not going to be easy, right? It's not going to be easy that you're suddenly just going to be like, oh, I'm just going to change and start, you know, thinking about the good things. This is going to be a dedicated mental effort, but we really do want to focus on, like if you take a walk in the morning when you said you were going to do, good job. You try and feel as good about it as you can. Yeah, I definitely focus on what I didn't do a lot, you know, or what I'm not doing or what I didn't do. Definitely

has much more weight in my mind than the things I do, things I do. Yeah, there's things I'm doing well, things I do do, but I just don't, I just don't focus on that. I really like zero in on, like, what didn't I do? Yep. And that is just an ingrained mental habit that you've, you've had for a long time. And again, can change, but it won't change overnight. But it's really worth catching it and saying, hang on, let me try something different. And there's another reason that this is important. because, and what I'm talking about is sort of both where we direct our attention, but also your attitude towards yourself. And we want to develop a more self-compassionate attitude. And there are a couple of reasons this is really important. The first is it's simply a much better life to not

have an asshole in your head, right? So, A, it's just a big life upgrade. It's the biggest one I've ever given myself. Won't happen overnight, but it's a place to aim at. It's a goal. But the second thing is that what we have to figure out, if you'll notice everything I have shared with you up till now, none of it is like, oh, let's change your character because you're a bad guy. It's all strategy. It's all approach. And what happens when we're hard on ourselves is what we do is we just conclude, I'm a piece of shit, right? Yeah. So whatever your version of that phrase is, I just can't do it, I'm lazy, I'm on discipline. What's wrong with me? I don't know, da, da, da, da, And there's a whole lot of emotional energy and drama around that.

And you can't do what you need to do to learn to change, which is to learn. Change is a learning process. So the emotional drama stops you from being able to say, huh, let's see. Last Saturday, I did walk and I did do this and I did do that. I wonder what went wrong this Saturday. Oh, well, I just didn't get specific about what time. I would leave in the morning. Okay, there's a learning. Oh, it was the insignificance trap again. I fell into thinking it doesn't matter. We're learning. Okay, let me, what can I do differently next time?

So turning down the harsh internal critic is really important because I truly believe that changing behavior like this is a skill that you can learn and that it's a puzzle that we can figure out. and that's a really important thing to keep coming back to is you don't have to convince yourself like, oh, I can change. I know I can. I know I can. I'm great. I'm great. Not that. But we have to open the door in your mind on the idea that it's possible that you can change and that you are learning. And as you learn, you will get better at this. Does that all make sense? Yeah. Oh yeah. That definitely makes sense. like that inner critic is strong, you know, it's like, it's, it's definitely there and it's loud. And, you know, like I said, a bunch of people tell me,

hey, you're doing good and this is going good. You're doing, you know, you're a good dad. You're doing, you know, this. And I kind of just don't listen to them and I listen to like, my head being like, you're not good enough. You're not as good as the next guy. You could be a better dad. You could be a better word.

You know, you could be better at every, you know, you could be better everywhere. And it's just my brain telling me that. One thing that is an easy thing that I recommend to people who are dealing with that inner critic is to give it a name, make it a character. So my example of this, my inner critic is he's not around in the same way he used to be. What I have more now is just a, I have an internal mopiness sometimes. So my internal mopiness, I call Eeyore. I picture that donkey from Winnie the Pooh, the pathetic donkey who walks around saying like,

I'm not much of a donkey. I don't have much of a tail. And I hear whatever mopeiness I'm saying. I hear it in that voice. And it does two things. It gives me a little distance from it so that I see that it's not me. It's just a voice, a pattern, whatever you want to call it, a preconditioned firing of brain cells. And it kind of makes me laugh, which helps also.

So I want to give the harsh inner critic for you a character. Can you think of anything? I'm trying to think. I know I would sometimes like refer to it as like part X. Like I don't like from a book I read like part X. I'm like, oh, that's just part it's just part X trying to screw me up. Just trying to take me down. Like it's just.

But I can think of like a better, a better when I just have always like referred to it is that. That's a good start. A lot of people in recovery just refer to it like their addict brain. Yeah. And the principle is the same. What I'm doing is I'm just getting. a little bit of distance from it. I encourage you to come up with a character that you can see and you can bring to mind

because it helps that distance a little bit. Yeah. So we've talked about specificity, having a prompt, like when I'm going to do it. We talked about the A of setting up your environment and the R for planning for what will go wrong and having plans. That's the spar. Is R resilience? Yeah, R is resilience.

It's where we went like, what's going to go wrong with this plan? We plan ahead for what might go wrong and we have plans to deal with it. And then we talked about the moment itself, learning to catch what you're saying to yourself and feeling and work on how you can rescript those moments so you're more likely to do it. And then we talked about being kinder to yourself and focusing on your successes. I think it's just really important also with that voice, the one that says all the names things, the one that says you're broken, alone, you're different, all of that. Recognize it as a conditioned thought pattern. It's not truth. It's a conditioned thought pattern. Because I could put

somebody else into your life and they would look at what you do and they would look at everything that's happening and they would think, I kick ass. Yeah. Same exact life. And it's not that I would pull some loser off the street and drop him in. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that a different, entirely reasonable, healthy person would see your situation in a very different way. And all that says is the way you see it is a construction. Yeah. Yeah, I know I get your text and it was like the one was like, it's not, it's not the actual situation. It's how I think of it and what I make, what I think of it. Yes. Like, it could be a great situation and I think of it as being bad. It's, yeah. And I don't know where that comes from. I don't know, like, I didn't

have like a traumatic childhood. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know like where it, like, started. Well, I mean, we could try and understand it and we could come up with some tenuous theories that might be helpful and sometimes they are. But what ends up happening even when you know where it comes from is you still just have to see it and interrupt it. See it and interrupt it. See it and interrupt it again and again. The good news is it can change. I can't think of the last time I was mean to myself internally. No matter what challenges I've done, that doesn't mean I don't look at my behavior and go, oh, that was a stupid thing to do. Or boy, you didn't do that well or like it's not that I can hold myself accountable but I don't ever do it in a mean

way anymore and that is completely different than it used to be so the good news is you know we can change these deeply embedded thought patterns the bad news is it takes a lot of reps so kind of leaving here was there one thing that felt most relevant to you that you feel like was the most helpful I really think being specific about what I'm going to do, when I'm going to do it, and like having it be very, at least to begin, like very down to the, you know, very like minute and kind of having it like you said, until that structure kind of almost starts to carry itself. Yeah. But like right now I know I know I'm missing that and I know it would help a bunch because I've been, there's been times where I've been there.

And I'm like in a, yeah, and like I'm flowing like things are going well. and the momentum's there. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm feeling confident. And when you get away from it, it kind of like that's when I start feeling like, it's just kind of loosey-goosey. Like, oh, I might, you know, I might do this.

I might do that. Like if you're giving you like too many options. Yeah, that is the structural element. And that is the place to start. Once the structural gets solid, then you can say, okay, well, where's the emotional winning? But if you don't do the structural first, it's all a mess. I want to say one more thing before we wrap up.

And it's for those of you who heard a lot of yourself and Tommy. You might be thinking, okay, I get it. Be more specific. Watch for the traps. Be kinder to myself. And that's all true. But there's another thing I'd want you to take from this conversation. It's something Tommy said almost in passing.

He said, I've been there before. When I'm flowing, things are going really well. The momentum's there. He knows what it's like. When it's working, he's done it. He just hasn't been able to stay there. And I think that's actually the most hopeful thing he said, because it means this isn't about becoming someone new. It's about getting back to something he's already proven he can do,

and getting back a little faster each time. That's what I really believe change looks like for most of us. Not a straight line, not a breakthrough. You do it, you stop doing it, you start again. And each time you start again, you know a little bit more about what tripped you up. You catch the saboteur a little sooner. You're a little less brutal with yourself when you fall short. And over time, the good stretches get longer and the bad ones get shorter. So thank you for listening. I hope this episode was really valuable to you and see you next time. I really, really appreciate you being willing to come on the show, be brave and vulnerable enough to share all. all of this. I mean, some of the things you're sharing about what you're saying to yourself,

it's hard to say that. And I really appreciate that you did do it. It's going to help a lot of people. Yeah, I appreciate you having me and been a fan for a long time. And no, I'm glad. All right. Take care. Thanks, sir. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought-provoking, I'd love for you to share it with a friend. Sharing from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don't have a big budget. and I'm certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better, and that's you. Just hit the share button on your podcast app

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