The Overshare with Gemma Atkinson - BLENDED & BLESSED: The rise of blended families

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

What’s life really like in a modern day blended family…? We hear about new relationships that come with kids in tow, having to move out to make way for new family members and what happens when your Mum marries your mate’s Dad… you’ll hear it’s not all a bed of roses in our stories of blended and blessed families.

Well hello Oversharers, look at us, we're back for another gobsmacking, jaw-dropping, sharp intake of breath episode. Now wherever you're joining us it's great to have you here and don't forget we love your feedback as always and your comments. So please make sure you get in touch. We were surprised at the response to this episode, really. It's a completely new area for us to delve into. This episode is called Blended and Blessed. Now, have a think. How many conventional families are really left?

You know, you've got your mum, your dad, your 2.4 children, the happy little dog. That seems like a thing of the past for me now. Every other family seems to be made up of second marriages and stepkids and a stepmum. I'm from a blended family. The family make-up is the most unconventional it's ever been, if you think about it. So we thought, whilst that must lead to newfound happiness,

surely along the way it involves some fallouts, maybe walkouts. It's got to, hasn't it? So we asked for your stories on families coming together, including the highs and the lows. You know, you only get one life to live and who wants to waste it all just being at home, sad, miserable and lonely

when there's so many other people out there that you can enjoy it with. I don't even know if it was panic or what I just was like, I can't be a stepmom at this age it's not right and I left. Essentially I got kicked out to send in the naughty teenage boy. They watch, they learn, they know what buttons to press then they can create havoc and then sit back and go this is awesome. Now as always we always like to have an expert on the episodes with us on for the ride and this time we want to say welcome to a brand new expert who we've never

had on the overshare welcome to the overshare family this is dr mike lloyd thank you so much for joining us mike you're welcome really honored to have you here tell us what it is you do in your day-to-day job so i'm a consultant psychologist. I'm trained in the NHS. I've worked for 20 odd years in the NHS and then a bit in the Ministry of Defence working with the military. Day-to-day it's assessment and treatment of all sorts of different mental health conditions. So anything from like phobias, OCD, anxiety, depression. But we also have a specialist referral center in the UK for people with childhood trauma so we we try and help people and I do training in the NHS we've got a few days training coming up to NHS teams yeah really really busy really busy and you've had an experience with

the blended families yourself haven't you a few experiences my mum and dad split up when i was four my brother was six met a new person who became my stepdad um they then got divorced a bit later on when i was in childhood but then they stayed in contact with each other got remarried again oh so we kind of went away came back with a stepdad and then they divorced again so an episode of east then it was honestly when you go back and think about it, you look at it and go, none of that was right. My mum and dad were married, divorced when I was 10. And my mum is now married to her childhood sweetheart,

Peter, who's wonderful, fantastic stepdad. My dad married Peter's ex-wife, Janet, two years later. So they essentially swapped. They were married for two years. My dad passed away when I was 17, but I'm still in touch with Janet. So I was the same from a blended and blessed family of that unconventional type. So that's why I'm so excited for this episode. So on that note, let's dip into blended and blessed and just see how much harmony there

is out there in modern day-to-day life. Again, on this episode, we've changed some names on the Oversharers. That's to protect themselves, the friends, the family, just to make sure it's a safe space for everyone. Let's do it. Now, Becky's on the episode blended families tell me first of all about George he must be everything you'd want in a man because you met George and you never ever wanted children George had a child and you're still together now is that right that's right yeah so that was sort of seven seven years ago now um so I was never like a very kind of maternal person I'd never grew up around like little children it was never something that I'd

really considered so when I did first meet George I was like I think Jack was only little at the time and George had split up with Jack's mum before they found out they were pregnant so it was quite a unique situation quite early on into the relationship I did meet Jack as soon as I met him I was like he's great like he's just like his dad he's just the best little character and I always say to George like part of falling in love with you was falling in love with Jack as well I think what I like about it I mean I've obviously never met George but I've known of men who've put their children aside for a new partner as in they've like oh I'm not bothered I'm with this person now and for me there's nothing more attractive than a man who prioritizes his children

and I think in especially in your case Becky if down the line I'm not saying you will but if down the line you you said I do want children you would know that the person you're with was a good dad to do that with. Had he brushed Jack aside to be with you because you didn't want children, down the line you might be thinking, oh, I do now, but what would happen if he met? Do you know what I mean?

I think because the way we were talking off air before Becky saying, the way a child is brought into the world and developed through the world by their parents does so much for them later on. What would you say, Mike, to anyone? I mean, some people in Becca's situation, they don't want children and they won't accept that their partner has a child.

Is that because they don't like the partner enough or is it because they're following their own intuition? I think it's often about what people future plan for themselves so in a situation like yours Becky you might have sort of set your stall out and said well I don't want to have kids and then you start sort of living your future out in the moment you sort of you know sort of booking what your events are going to be what your your life might look like and there's no child in it and you're very certain that that's my role. So you kind of, you know, working out how your life is going to go without a child in it. That's more likely to end up with if you meet someone who's got a child with you dismissing the option of that relationship

straight away. Because that's not going to fit into the sort of the future narrative that's been put together. Becky, even with you, it sounds like you grew up and you never really had a sense of being maternal. Your kids weren't on your menu as such, but you must have still been open to have allowed someone to step into that with a child. And I think the key here is that George sounds like he was very honest right from the start. He didn't start dating you and then say like on the fifth date, oh, by the way, I've got a son, which I think would have been a problem because then you've got an issues of trust and, you know,

where have I been led with this? Looking back, it was actually quite young to be taken on that kind of responsibility. But like we definitely took it step by step. And I think when I first met Georgie was still living with his parents we had him sort of a couple of days a week and we still had his parents support so like learning to become a stepmom was a really slow process so when we did move in together a year later like I felt a lot more equipped for it is George a similar age so was he was was he young at the? So was he a very young dad,

like you've become a young step-mom? Yeah. Do you think that has helped? Yeah, I think we're learning together. How's your relationship with Jack's mum? It's probably one of the better co-parenting situations. So like George will go out golfing with stepdad like we've all we've all been to kind of parties together and um like we'll meet each other on nights out and parents evening there's four of us sat there like it's it's strange but it's nice like it's really good for Jack when I was in my early 20s my relationship he had a daughter and I just I don't even know if it was panic or what. I just was like, I can't be a stepmom at this age. It's not right. And I left.

And there was a little bit of me that for a good year felt guilty, but I just couldn't, yeah, I couldn't do it. And I was very similar in that I never, never ever wanted children. I was thinking I'd be on my own with loads of dogs. And when I got to 30 every family member tilted their head and went because I was single at 30 which of course is in this day and age terrible um and my mum even said to me we just accepted that you wouldn't have kids and you know I would just be the annoying auntie it was only when I when i met my partner who i'm with now and i was 34 when i

had my daughter which apparently is quite late i don't think it is no it's too pretty for the 34 years i just was with kids i was like uh no yeah and my i changed my mind later on but for those who'd like me run ran or they shouldn't feel guilty either should they no no i think you. I think, you know, everyone's entitled to change. And it could be just the right person turns up at the right time and you'll go all in. And if that means having kids with them, because that's what you want to do, then that's totally fine. And you can change your mind and you can leave one part of yourself behind and start a new part. The difficulty is always if you're left with regret. And I always say, you know, you've got to make your decisions, try as best as possible to have it without any

regrets. So, you know, the difficulty that potentially is for Becky and George here is if that, you know, a year down the line, you've committed, you've met George's son, and you've kind of got into that. And then you decide this isn't for me and you walk away yeah you know that's when things get difficult because you've then got a lot of dealing to have to manage and all the repercussions the question that I've got here Becky is like your parents because obviously they knew you pretty well and you know you've grown up and you've sort of not really had a child focus and then they've got used to that and then suddenly they're grandparents so you've not just got the blended family you've got all of these extra things going on how have they how did you feel supported when you made this decision to make this relationship how did that go

it was never like it was never really a a situation um like my parents took jack on board like he was their own he's just a part of the family had he been a teenager who could voice his opinion on i hate this i don't want this that's a lot trickier than when it's a baby they they just want to be held and played with and you know what i mean they're not bothered are they so that's a big advantage as well i think that probably made a difference i suspect if if you'd have met George and he had a 15 year old son who was a bit wild, let's say this could have gone in a totally different direction. And I think just clearly you fell in love with the baby at the same time, didn't you? I mean, you know, he sounds like a joy for you to have family around you that support your decisions. I don't think and you know ever sort of overestimate how important that is you make a decision you want people to be with you to say we'll we'll go with that if it works it works if it doesn't we're still here for you and i think you've you've had that that's great that's what my mum used to say do what you need

to do if it if it goes tits up you can come home if it goes great you can still come home and visit absolutely she used to say that all the time and to me that's great parenting it's like go out make your mistakes we'll still look after you so if this hadn't have worked out your parents would still be there for you that's you know parenting doesn't stop just because you become like 18 your parents don't stop being your parents and they might become grandparents but they're still parents yeah i still panic if my mom's on a separate aisle in the supermarket i'm like where's she gone where is she oh well thank you thank you so much for for getting in touch becky and for oversharing i think you're a great example uh of what can happen ask you, we've had obviously lots of guests who've got stepchildren and, you know, I'm from a blended family.

How do you go about, we mentioned obviously Becky's stepson, Jack, was a baby. So he, you know, he's none the wiser. Absolutely. For those who are blending currently with teenagers who are just hormonal and hate the world, how do you go about disciplining someone else's child? It's really important to get this right because that's where most conflict is going to come from. Unless it's been worked out in advance, how you do it and the support around it, it usually ends in disaster. Working out who's in charge of discipline

and how that's going to get done should be sorted out before the stepchild really is under your control, as it were. So pre-chat, pre-plan. Absolutely. And this is why, you know, looking at some of our examples where they've seen this coming in advance, so they haven't just like forced blended as it were is on like a sudden move it's been done over a period of months and years so that's the opportunity really

to for the the two new parents to go okay so i've got my kids and you've got your kids and they're all different ages and all different how are we going to do this and how are we going to support each other when this is done because often what happens is one parent has is often slightly more disciplinary than the other that just tends to be so one's a bit of a pushover and one's a bit more firm the kids will suss the parents out a lot faster than the parents have got their stuff together and if you know that if you know that your kids are going to be more savvy at this than you are as a new parent to them they'll win every time they're super clever they are super on it they watch they learn they know what buttons to press then they can create havoc and then sit back

and go this is awesome look what i've done and their mum and new mum and new dad are suddenly at war fighting kids are sitting back laughing so you've got to know that the kids want boundaries they want to know what the rules are yeah and if you've got two parents that are adopting different rules different tactics disciplining in different ways the kids will win so plan in advance have each other's backs and if don't ideally let us win do not let them win yeah you're in a war right well however you look at this this is there's a battle going on and i think the the really difficult stuff is if let's say you know when kids have got different arrangements for um time so they're in one house for one weekend they're

in another house for another weekend yeah and the rules there are often really inconsistent especially if there's a acrimonious split. So one parent will be like, you can stay up to whatever time you want, you can eat chocolate, you can play video games, you can watch these things on TV. And the other parent is like, no, do your homework, do this. And in different households, different rules apply and different disciplines take place.

So they wear different hats in each house than the kid, don't they? That's like the ultimate nightmare because kids just sit there and go, well, I don't want to do this for you because my dad doesn't make me do that so i'm not going to do it for you and that's where it gets tricky because like in in the situation we had there with becky you've got two different sets of parents but they are working together that actually is probably quite you know in the minority it's probably easy to just stay in a miserable relationship with kids

yeah well just keep with the dogs. Yeah stick with the dogs. Alice welcome to The Overshare. Now we've had loads of stories from people whose lives were thrown into utter chaos when they became blended with another family. In your case, it turned your world upside down, didn't it? Because you moved out of your family. Is that true? How did that happen? Yeah, so my brother ended up getting sent to live with his dad for various reasons. And we only had a three bedroomroom house and I was the oldest so I get sent out um I moved in with my sister who lived maybe 20 minutes away um but yeah essentially I got kicked out to send in the uh the naughty teenage boy so it was your stepbrother who moved in

yeah so he um he was having difficulty in school and stuff. And the decision was made that he would come and live with his dad to have a bit of a better male role model in his life. It kind of, we'd never met him before as well. So he kind of just showed up out of nowhere with a couple of bags and that was it. We didn't really know much else about him at that point. And I suppose, I mean, you've probably seen in your cases, Matt would in yourself Alice bring maybe not at the time maybe later on a lot of resentment and jealousy it can do yeah I mean you don't it doesn't sound like you had much time to get your head around it or even have much notice no um it was really difficult in that way that we just had this random kid show up on our doorstep. I was out.

But then there was a lot of struggle for my younger sister who had this stranger moving into her house. And I'm thinking, I'm trying to put myself in that position. I've got two children. If someone wanted to bring another child into my family environment, I would need to put my children first. And I probably would say I'm really sorry I'm sorry that he's having difficulty it's not my issue though is that just me being really selfish not in the slightest you've got to think of this is the home is is your space so you know what Alice has had to go through there is being sort of relocated out of the space that

you know she's been living in for for years potentially yeah you mentioned resentment and just that's the key one that if that kicks in if you if you're not really given explanation for why it's happening you're not given options to choose certain things resentment is a really kind of almost the correct response to have yeah and it can cause a lot of damage if it's not looked after properly did you ever feel that your mom had put you know her partner and son first no she was really upset about the whole thing to be fair and really you know even these days she's like oh i'm so sorry we had to throw you out it wasn't my decision and she didn't want a teenage boy in her house either I don't think and no yeah

at the time it was really it was really difficult and kudos to our parents that they kind of got on with it and what it's good now but at the time my mum didn't want him there my stepdad was kind of having to be in a new role that he hadn't really been in before, you know, being a full-time dad. My little sister then had to go from living with her sisters and having me there, and then all of a sudden this kid just shows up who also didn't want to be there. How did he cope? What happened with him? He really, really had a hard time, like really, really had a hard time.

And it's the age you were all at as well. I guess if it was a baby, six months they don't really know but teenagers you if of testosterone there's there's lots of hormones going on there's you i think every teenager's angry at the parents for no reason anyway so if then something happens where they where they have a reason it's even more what what was the turning point for you all because Because you all get on really well now, don't you? It worked out okay. Yeah. So kind of when we realized, one, he was a good kid. Like he had a good head on his shoulder sort of thing. But when we realized how much he was struggling, to be fair,

me and my sisters, we always wanted a little brother. So it kind of was like getting a puppy. Yay! But when I realized how he was struggling and also how my parents were struggling with dealing with the situation, I kind of realized that he was just a fish out of water. And my friends at the time and myself just decided that, you know, we weren't going to let the crappy things that were going on dictate how his life is going to be in our town. So I kind of became a mediator within the family. What advice, Mike, would you give? Because there'll be lots of people listening to this who are currently, you know, about to blend the families.

What should parents do to try and help create harmony between siblings? Is there anything specific they should do? Yeah, I mean, a lot of it is all about managing expectations and trying to get a sense for everyone's expectations are so almost the opposite of what alice's family has gone through which is not to have anything done as a shock not to do anything as a made to have to try and reduce that as much as possible and give give all family members within age you know age appropriate ways as much choice as possible so give all family members within age, you know, age appropriate ways as much choice as possible.

So even things like, you know, working out who's going to have what room and, you know, who's going to go to what clubs, what societies, what freedom of access to the parents is going to have. But just to try and do it in advance as much as possible to give everybody an opportunity to think about it and to come up with their pros and cons. Because every situation is going to have good elements and bad elements. And if you allow people the time to work what those are going to be, then it reduces the chance of there being that conflict. So what you don't really want to have

is the first impression being a really negative one. So, you know, in Alice, for your example, you know, your stepbrother could have come in and there could have been a lot of anger and a lot of hate. And that could have been how you saw him when you moved out. It's like, I can't have this. I hate this kid. I want nothing to do with him. And that could have taken years to remedy. I think it's luck.

And there's clearly some wonderful stuff happening in this family. And the amount of love for this lad when he came into the house is fantastic. So I think that's absolutely wonderful. But I suspect that that wouldn't happen in the most of cases. Yeah. And I think as well, it's communication as well, isn't it? When I met my dad's wife, I must have been about 12 or 13, the first time I met my dad's wife and he came to pick me up from my mom's house and me and my dad had this thing where i always used to sit in the

passenger and we'd both sing and do these funny things driving i used to say can i put the blinker on and lean and i'd used to indicate for him and the first time i met janet i came out the house and i went around to the front of the car and Janet was sat in the front you had to go into the back seat yeah and I had to go and it really upset me it didn't like make me angry I was so beside myself it ruined the whole night I spent the whole night sat dead sad and Janet probably thought your daughter's so miserable and as soon as we got home I burst into tears and I told my mum Janet was sat in the front and I normally sit in the front something so little and then the next week when he came to pick me up Janet was sat in the back and I opened the door

she said you sit in the front Gem it's fine and my mum had rung my dad and said I'm just letting you know this is upset Gem and they did and they sorted it between them but then I spent that car journey embarrassed because I was oh my gosh this is all happening because but if my mom hadn't communicated that to my dad it's something that would have kept happening and it's when you're a certain age the smallest of things can be massive they're not small things though that was your seat yeah that was what you were used to and and you know we we put so much stock in the things that we own or we have that control over. So my room, my seat, my toy, my pen, my mug, whatever it is, those are really precious. And if someone comes in and they don't understand the importance of that and they just sort of take over, it's really, you know, it's quite dramatic how upset a person can become. Thank you so much, Alice. Thanks for being on The Overshare. Thank you so much, guys.

Take care. So our next guest is Vicky. And we've spoken before on The Overshare podcast about chance meetings and sliding door moments when people meet the partners. And your life with your husband now, I guess you'd say wasn't part of the original plan but you found each other didn't you and it's all worked out lovely tell us how you became a blended family with Scott so um I've known him for about I think

maybe 12 years him and his wife were friends of me and my husband's through the kids she passed away in 2015 very sadly from breast cancer he always used to bring his daughter to dancing as time got on some of the older girls left and there ended up being just me another lady and him so we used to do take in turns to do the coffee run we gradually got talking a little bit more obviously my husband had left we were both on our own both very lonely you know we didn't have money to go out or child care or anything so we just got chatting sort of over whatsapp I think it was and then my daughter had a party and it was like a sleepover which was awful I was up all night and the next day he had a football match I think it was so I said he could leave his daughter with me

from there it gradually just became us chatting more becoming friendly and then built from there into something into a relationship we took it very slowly we wanted to kind of make sure that it was going somewhere before we before we sort of made it common knowledge or or even told the kids so it was a very gradual thing we got married last year in august in gretna green oh wow that's lovely and it sounds i mean i'm not the expert but it sounds like vicky's done did everything right in taking the time you know before revealing it because i think blending families is tricky anyway but when it's from tragedy i'm assuming that's the right thing to do is take your time yeah and time is always the factor with this and I think you know you've clearly gone through a lot and you're you're supposed to know

your stepdaughter so she lost her mum in tragic circumstances and and that you can't really make big changes to a kid's life following that you need an awful lot of time for them to settle down yeah and obviously the relationship sounds like organically it just sort of came together that's really make big changes to a kid's life following that. You need an awful lot of time for them to settle down. Yeah. And obviously the relationship sounds like organically it just sort of came together. That's right, isn't it? Between you and Scott and everything. Absolutely.

There was never any intention from my part or his part. Yeah. Not to mention, did I just not want to? I didn't have the time. I was on my own with the children all the time. I didn't have time to put into a relationship. So it was very organic, which was part of how lovely it was really it wasn't forced or anything like that it was just you know two friends who became more and obviously the families grew together as well not without

problems don't get me wrong at the beginning but that's so important to to be able to take that time and things with bereavements is a lot of folks say well aren't you over it yet you know might say to a kid you know it's time you moved on and things like that and those aren't messages that are helpful to anybody because everyone's unique in how long they take getting over a huge loss like that and building something around that child that teenager so that she feels comfortable, she still feels wanted, she still feels that, you know, she's got the options available to her about where she might want to live or who she might want to live with. It's a safety, isn't it? It's all about safety. Yeah, they've got to feel that because the rug's been pulled out, you know, she's lost a mum. You can't just say, well, here's a new mum. This situation that you've put together is almost the ideal scenario.

Can I ask, so for you, because obviously your husband and you split up. So you found a new relationship then. And this relationship has brought another daughter as well, really. So what's it been like for you to find Scott and turn a friendship into a relationship like this? It's been lovely, I have to say because I'm so happy now and I'm not happy about the circumstances that led to this but I'm just I'm happier than I've ever been and I love all the children and I love Scott and I love our life and I love the doggies and the dogs they were they were inherited because they were his and his wife's dogs it was difficult

for all of us to adjust that we've got there now really and um yeah life is lovely at the moment so i'm sure there'll be things to come up with like if she gets married if she you know she's 18 this year as well so all these kind of things are going to be first without her mum and i just try to be there for her when i can and do what i can do to help her there'll be a lot of people listening to this yeah wrestling with feelings of guilt who have people have been widowed how do they get old because life it's horrible to say it does go on it does go on yeah how do people deal with wrestling with that guilt of moving on and finding someone else i In a way, being given permission. Almost, it's not like, I suppose,

if you're in a situation where you're with someone and let's say they know that they're going to pass away soon, like from an illness or something like that, it would always help if the person who's going to leave this, you know, the mortal coil is able to say, go on and find love. So just having that. So obviously if it's a

sudden thing or something you can't see coming but to almost have this conversation before the death occurs if possible so that the person knows that they are at least they have that option available to them yeah i know it'd be a really weird and difficult thing because you may never know but maybe that's a conversation that people can have with each other and just say if something happens to me do move on right you don't have to let me go in order to find someone else it is entirely possible to fall in love with someone else have a relationship someone else and keep the memory alive of the person you've left yeah and finding a balance between those things and then for the new partner that you might meet to be okay with the fact that this other person existed and to not try and dismiss them to not be jealous to not see them as being

a competition in any way just to allow them to be present so it's things like you know not taking the photos down and stuff like that is keeping those things around so that you, we all have the capacity to leave something behind and get something new. We should be able to do it. And I'm really glad in your situation, Vic, that Scott didn't say that Scott allowed himself the opportunity to meet someone because you've got this wonderful scenario happening. I think that's why it's so important that people hear this because this is almost giving permission for people to start again. Yeah. And you can't plan, can you? You can't plan whether you fall in love with anybody else or not.

This has just happened very naturally, very organically. And it would have been such a shame if, you know, someone said, I can't do this. This isn't right. Yeah. It is right. It's totally OK for that to happen. I'm thinking, please, God, let me be okay for a long, long, long time yet. But I'm thinking, if God forbid anything happened to me, like, Gorka's not very good at doing Mia's hair.

I would want down the line a female role to be able to, you know, if she started her periods and stuff and couldn't speak to her dad, little things like you've mentioned, you know, the daughter's nearly been 18 and, you know, it's a big birthday without a mum. I'm sure a mum somewhere in some other realm is grateful, Vicky, that you are there to guide her through. Because it's a big transition. When you're an 18, I know you're an adult at 16, but in my opinion, 18 is when my kids will be an adult. Probably 21, 25.

More 21, I think. Yeah, 36. But I'm sure if it was me, I would be grateful to have someone like you, Vicky, guide my kids through it because it will be tough. There will be elements of she's missing her mum. And if all she had was a dad in that situation, it would be harder.

I feel exactly the same. If something were to happen to me, touch wood, it doesn't suit. But I wouldn't want him to be on his own again for long because you know you only get one life to live and who wants to waste it all just being at home sad miserable and lonely when there's so many other people out there that you can enjoy it with so i just think that um it's the nicest thing and also you know if he's at home sad and lonely then that's going to be deflected onto his daughter because she's going to get that

sadness and loneliness from him and it's going to make her feel sadder and lonelier as well so I think when one person in the house is happy then the other people in the house can be happy as well yeah I agree I think you know it's it's realizing that some of us are meant to be alone that kind of lone wolf type thing but most of us are meant to be in a relationship we're meant to we're at our best with other people bringing the best out of us and it doesn't seem reasonable to deny ourselves that because of a loss and it's that that guilt will be there you know people will feel that sense of maybe i shouldn't or maybe i'm some i'm sort of disrespecting the memory of my loved one.

Yeah. But we can talk about those things. So you might end up in bereavement counselling and one of the things might be, should I move on? Am I allowed to move on? And, you know, there's lots of good reasons to do that. Oh, well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing with us, Vic. I think it's brilliant that it's worked out for you. There'll be so many people in similar situations

and it sounds like you've got a lovely, blended, blessed family. Take care. Thanks so much. Thanks a lot. So Siobhan, welcome to The Overshare. You were seven when your stepdad entered your life, which it must have been quite unsettling at that age it's a tricky age seven I guess what what was it like do you remember? So it's difficult because my stepdad is my dad so I always refer to him as my dad so it's quite hard to refer to him as a

stepdad it's a bit unusual thing for me and but my kind of biological dad that they split up when I was seven and my mum kind of got into relationship quite quickly with with my stepdad it wasn't a rushed introduction and he had his own property and those sorts of things so he kind of came into our my life anyway quite slowly and every experience that I had with him at that age was just more pleasant than it was before um between my mum and my real dad so actually it was a quite a nice experience to have. With age seven, you're embarrassed by everything after age seven. What was it like when you were introducing your, I'll call him your dad because we're not going to say stepdad,

introducing your dad to your friends? Because I'm assuming that some of them would have known your biological dad beforehand. What was that like? Yeah, I don't think it was a big issue, really. I think because I was happy, I think I was just really proud to kind of introduce him as someone nice in my life. He wasn't married before, he didn't have any other children,

but he's got lots of brothers and sisters and so lots of nieces and nephews. And you just have to look for a photo album where you would see like kids sat on his shoulder or on his back or they'd be out on the farm or you know and he's very much child orientated he was a laborer he worked all over the country and kind of recently because he passed away and at his funeral so many people my age were coming up to me saying oh yeah your dad lived with us for like six months while he was working up in Manchester or wherever and and he was just like another dad to us you know so he was he's always had a really good way of engaging with children and so even with my friends they just took him on as kind of like

a father figure even if they had their own dad sort of thing. I think this is a wonder. I'm so pleased that you've come on and shared this story, Sean, because what this makes me think of is that it's about the quality of the parent. And I don't want to I don't want people to fall in the trap of thinking just because you're a biological parent, it means you're a better parent than a step parent. It would be a failure, really, of us to think that biology means parenting is better. It really doesn't. And do you have any contact with your biological dad now? My biological dad passed away as well, but he passed away in 2005. So, you know, quite a long time ago. And that was quite a tricky time for me because I think that was the first person that I was biologically kind of linked to who'd passed away for me at the time and I was quite

I was young I was just started university and and I found that quite difficult and we hadn't had contact for many many years so he kind of I think he distanced himself because he knew that my mum and the setup that I had with my mum and my stepdad was actually really positive for me. I don't begrudge or hold anything against him. I think he actually consciously made a decision to not interfere with the positiveness that I'd had in my life at that time. Do you feel like you've been able to have peace now? Because you've lost both your dads now and that's really sad. And I'm sorry that they've both sort of like they've gone've gone do you feel as if you got the best out of them yeah I think so

I think I can't I know I can't turn the clock back I would have loved to have kind of said a farewell and reconcile with with my real dad but it wasn't to be it wasn't something that I could do I was very I'm very grateful that I had my stepdad in those growing up years of my life it wasn't just my stepdad it was everything that came with him so like a lot all of his brothers and sisters I grew up on a council estate in southeast London and so every summer for six weeks I went to the west coast of Ireland to spend my holidays in his childhood home so the home that he grew up in as a child with my aunts and uncles and my cousins and we just had the most amazing time and I'll never forget it and I never would have had any of that had my mum not met my stepdad when she did. And how did your mum deal with your biological dad passing?

Yeah, I think she distanced herself from him and went after they split up and they didn't really have any contact after that. He had cancer and it was obviously not a very nice ending for him either. He clearly reconciled a lot of things in his life. So he'd found a partner he was very happy with. My dad passed away in September. He had dementia for 14 years. And so my mum was obviously his carer over that period of time and his decline over that period of time obviously got worse and worse but even up toward the end when he was in hospital he he still managed to recognize me and my mum particularly and even when we went

into hospital you know he'd he'd kind of be sitting there and then we'd go in and he'd be like oh you know he would he wouldn't necessarily be able to communicate but just by his facial expressions stuff he he would light up when he knew it was us you're kind of there and you know the love that I had for him was absolutely mutual when even up until the end when he was you know his body was just letting him down and completely shutting down for him that was still really such a strong connection and so and I know not everybody has that with dementia and I'm very grateful and fortunate that I still had that even up toward the end if I could say anything to any man father whether you're a biological father or stepfather is look at your child say their name and tell them that you love

them because you'll never forget that and he did that all the time to me and that is whenever I'm kind of sad or you know thinking about him that's always a really lovely memory he's just such a wonderful man you said right from the start you never called him stepdad you called him dad so you saw him as being your dad fundamentally and completely honestly my educated guess is that he never saw you as a stepdaughter he saw you as a daughter definitely never saw you as a stepdaughter he saw you as a daughter definitely well that's it thank you uh thank you all so much for for listening for downloading our overshare blended and blessed thank you dr mike how did you find your overshare debut i've loved it yeah yeah

i think it's it's felt a bit celebrity to be honest it's been really good with all the lights and the cameras and everything we didn't have this on the first two weeks no but it's great would you would you like to come back on an episode we'd love to have you love to i think you'll help a lot of people yeah i hope so um i hope so i i think as a platform for being able to help people just sort of work through the stuff that's going on in their lives, to make sense of it and to be able to share some stories and overshare at times. It's great. I think people should be able to do that. The Overshare is produced by Matt Foyster and Molly Carter for Bauer Media, who are literally in the room as well.

You can't see them, but they're here. Thank you so much for listening. And as always, thank you for overshsharing we'll see you on the next one