The Overshare with Gemma Atkinson - RED FLAGS : A Mum With NO Boundaries, Shocking Lies, and the HILARIOUS Reasons It Was Doomed

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

Relationships are full of red flags, some subtle, others glaringly obvious. Here we explore stories of cringe worthy, shocking and devastating red flags that were ignored, meaning those relationships were (mostly!) doomed from the start...

well look who is back series two of the overshare now it's taken us a while but this is the reason why we've got a brand new home we've upgraded thank you so much as well to every single person who listened to series one we really really, really appreciate all your feedback, your comments. It was so lovely to hear from so many of you. Thank you for those guests who came on and overshared with us. It's because of you we got to make the podcast. And we've got amazing stories coming up for Series 2. Similar to Series 1, it's about you, real people, real life stories.

And as ever, we're in a safe space to overshare and look who's back from series one abby blaze is back abby tell us a bit about yourself remind everyone what you do for a living so i work as a dating and life coach and also as a dating consultant so i predominantly work with people who are single trying to get into long-term relationships which will i must well i know it will help so many people because we've got loads of different topics. Relationships do feature heavily in there. This episode actually is all about red flags

because we've all experienced them, haven't we? Hopefully most of us have managed to avoid them. Sometimes, though, we're not that lucky and we do continue dating, continue relationships, despite the red flag literally being slapped in our face. Abi, in your job as a dating and life coach, you must come across red flags all the time. I do. And it can be really hard for people because sometimes we think, oh, is that a red flag? Isn't it a red flag? And it can be hard to navigate.

And sometimes we might give people the benefit of the doubt when we shouldn't. Or the flip side of that is becoming really, really anxious about spotting the red flags and then therefore not dating anybody at all. Yeah, going the complete opposite way. Yeah, if you swing either way. Well, Abby is here to help us unpick the stories and try and make as much sense of them as possible. And just so we're being honest as well in this episode, we've changed some of our Oversharer's names and details. It's just to protect them because of things that are involved with their stories.

Let's get to it. And then he said, this is why I haven't got social media. I was like, you have got social media. How do you think I have found out who you are? And then he said, I haven't, I haven't. I was like, you have. And then I said, and I found your wife and put a name. And he was like, oh.

If you can find evidence of good guys exist and try not to focus so much on all the negatives because the negatives are actually easier to find if you can focus on that it will help you to move forward because they do exist and so basically little by little this aggressive side came out and i know if i was in your situation and gawker's mum got in bed with me i'd be like what is happening esther what's going on here you're in the wrong room i'd be completely freaked out you would wouldn't you hi oh tina's background looks like ours with the plants and the yellow and you've matched our studio i'm a crazy plant lady. We're like that. As are all faking here. Well, Tina, welcome to the Overshare.

Now, we've read your story, and I fear that it might be a common one that Abi hears all the time in her day-to-day job. Take us back to the beginning. So, Tina, you thought you'd finally met a decent fella. Is that right? What happened? Yeah, so during sort of COVID times,

I didn't date for about three and a half years I just couldn't be bothered didn't go near men and then the start of last year I thought I joined the gym I thought I need to get myself back out there I'm nearly 35 I need to just fight the bullet and do this because as we know in this day and age dating's it's not the most fun anyway but I just thought let's do this let's get back. So I had a few dates over the year that just didn't really come to anything. And then I had a difficult year with some family bereavements and an injury and got to sort of the end of the year and thought, oh, you know, I can't really be bothered, but just got talking to him

before I decided to give up for a bit. He said straight away that he wasn't really after anything serious. And I said, well, you know, I'm just going to go with the flow now because this has been going on for a while, the dating scene, and I'm just going to just see what's what. So we went on a first date, hit it off really, really well. And before we knew it, sort of seeing each other a couple of times a week and sort of just going really well.

And actually we'd had a few conversations because of he'd got children and had had a vasectomy so we actually ended up having serious conversations that I didn't think considering he didn't really want anything serious we'd sort of spoke about those those little elephants in the room really as if this carries on and this keeps going there is a few things to think about so yeah everything was going really well, so I thought. And how soon into seeing him did you begin to think or wonder? There may have been a few red flags. What was it that made you start to wonder? So there was a couple.

If you look from early on, really red flags, but there were things that had reasons behind them. So he told me straight away he didn't have social media, which some people say big red flag but I was actually like it's not a bad thing because some people are on social media all the time and actually it's not the end of the world he doesn't have it I'd also never been to his house but he'd said his teenage son lived with him I live alone it made sense for him to come to my house and what about his friends did he introduce you to his his friends and stuff

no because again I hadn't it hadn't really cropped up it sort of we'd started dating in the November Christmas was coming busy time of year we were both quite busy and we just sort of thought let's just carry on getting to know each other and we'll see if anything if anything is going to come of this seriously we'll sort of see how the next few months go. And I guess, Abby, it's hard for someone, I'm trying to think if I was in Tina's situation, because they are valid explanations. He's got a teenage son, but you would at the same time maybe think,

why could his teenage son not go to the mum's for the weekend and you go round? What's the psychology behind us ignoring those things and thinking, oh, yeah things and thinking oh yeah it's fine it's a valid reason is it because we're caught up in the the early romance stage it could be but based on what she's just said i do think it was a very the very beginning part of a relationship where you might not go to each other's house like immediately so i can see why she went along with it like it makes quite a lot of sense to give someone the benefit of the doubt yeah but what does happen when we do fall in love like quite quickly i'm not saying that

this is the case here but what happens is our prefrontal cortex doesn't work as well and that helps us to make decisions and to be rational and logical and then other parts of our brains also switch off the amygdala switches off not off it it doesn't work as well right and that is responsible for fear responses and seeing threats so that could actually hinder you from seeing the red flags so it's like the whole rose tinted glasses on yeah and then you've got dopamine as well so dopamine is our reward neurotransmitter yeah yeah and so our you've got all of these amazing feelings going around your body that are really positive and then all the stuff that helps you to see the red flags is dampened down which means it's quite

easy for pretty much anybody no matter how smart they are to fall for somebody who's not quite right it's not as hard as you might think it's not unfathomable and then to you know what's this about a tattoo did you have a tattoo or something? Yeah, so we had, it got a few tattoos. And obviously, as you do, we were talking about tattoos one day and I said, oh, who is that woman's name on you? And he said, oh, drunken lads holiday, stupid bets that I lost. And I just thought, well, lads do stupid things like that. I did think, okay, whatever. But again, so early on in the dating phase, who am I to question what tattoos he's got? So at the time, didn't think anything.

I thought it's probably an ex. He's just not going to admit to that. But I'm not going to, I don't have an issue with the fact he's got somebody else's name on him. It's his past. So I didn't really have an issue with that at the time. What happened is we got to sort of February time. And you know

when everybody says that intuition that gut instinct kicks in yeah and it was a Saturday night and I was sat at home and I just thought something's telling me something's off here and I don't know why and I thought I'm gonna gonna do some digging because although he said he wasn't on social media everybody's out there somewhere in some form got a glass of wine and as you do I'm searching I thought Facebook you know all the usual couldn't find anything and then I had this little thought he played a sport and I thought most sports clubs have a social media page so I found the sports club had a look was scrolling away and then I saw I thought he's not in any of the the lineups or

the fixtures and then I got to scrolling and I saw a picture of him and thought, oh, yeah, there he is. That's him. But why aren't I seeing his name in any of the lineups? This doesn't make sense. So then I realised as I was scrolling that when it was a player's birthday, they'd put like a post up, happy birthday.

So I scrolled up to the month he said his birthday was, saw his picture, there he is, happy birthday, with a completely different name underneath and I just thought oh no it's like everything just all of a sudden a little light bulb and I was like oh no oh no it's not that that is him but it's what what has he lied about is his name is it so then somebody had actually tagged him in the comments so he told me he wasn't on social media but somebody tagged him so I clicked on this name in the comments that was under his and it did when I when I met him he said I've got a really old Facebook but I haven't used it for about four

years and this took me to a Facebook that looked like it hadn't been used for about four years and I thought okay that is an old profile but still that's a different name yeah so I clicked on the info and it said first met and a woman's name and instantly the woman's name was the name of the tattoo on him and i just was like connecting the dots so so i clicked on her profile and her cover picture was of him and her and it said they were married oh for goodness sake yeah so i'd said it's a double line part was that week he'd actually said we'd had a conversation about how things were progressing and i'd actually said do you know what you've restored my faith in men i'd actually said that that week to him i was like

you've restored my faith that there's some good men out there and then this just unraveled and i was like oh no i've been totally totally had but surely Abby people who do this with the double life thing they can't seriously see it as a long-term plan can I mean how long can you keep that up for it's just not it must be mentally exhausting yeah I mean he said at the start didn't he I'm not looking for anything serious so who knows if he intended to just keep things very casual and then got carried away within the moment of like becoming attached who knows and did you how did you reveal to him Tina that you knew did you did you let the wife

know how what happened next so the next day I was texting him and I was due to see him in about two three days and I thought I'm going to do this to his face so that he's got no get out because we'd actually so we'd arranged to go out and I started doing things like shall actually shall we go to this place which I knew was where near where he lived I thought if he's got something to hide surely he's not going to want to go yeah where we go here and he was like yeah absolutely and I, oh, okay. Maybe he might cancel on the day. So I was going to do it to his face in a public place. So we were going to go out for tea, do it publicly. So if he kicked off, I was, you know, I wasn't at home with him. But on the Sunday he was texting me and I just thought, I can't do this. All of a sudden I thought, who is this person? He's been sat next to me and answering to a fake name like I got really freaked out all of

a sudden but I can't do this so he was texting me and he said oh what's the matter you seem to have like your mood's changed and I just said I don't like your dishonesty and then put his real name dot dot dot and he was like oh you know then and I was like yes and then he started saying oh I lied about my name because I've been stalked in the past by somebody who's dating and then he said this is why I haven't got social media I was like you have got social media how do you think I have found out who you are and then he said I haven't I haven't I was like you have and then I said and I found your wife and put a name and he was like oh I said I suggest you start talking and then then two days later, he texted me saying,

I know you don't want to hear off me, but I wondered if one day you'd like to be friends. And I was like, no. If you're friends with who? Your fake name or your real name? Who am I talking to now? Which friend am I having? So I said, no, I don't want to hear off you.

I said, if you come to my house, I'll ring the police. To be honest, it's completely broken my trust in Matt. It wasn't great before this but now i'm like oh how does tina get over that then abby because obviously not all men are like that and i tina have been in situations like that as well where i've been completely gaslighted i've been so madly in love with someone and it turns out they were with someone else the whole time as well and it broke me but i'm now obviously happily engaged with children I you can't tie them all with the same brush but it is hard when you've been so emotionally and mentally damaged how

does Tina overcome that I think you need to really look for evidence that good men exist you know look around you this is a problem a lot of people have actually if they're surrounded by problematic relationships it's hard to imagine or even understand what a healthy relationship looks like which is why sometimes people jump from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship because they actually haven't learned what a healthy relationship even is but if you can find evidence of good guys exist and try not to focus so much on all the negatives because the negatives are actually easier to find if you can focus on that it will help you to move forward because they do exist yeah but it would be completely understandable for you to think of it otherwise based on your experiences

like it would be strange if you were like oh no everything's fine like that would be more unusual it's the whole changing of the person changing the personality and pretending to be somebody else that for me is where like you Tina there'd be no going back and you cutting yourself off leaving him to it like you say prioritizing yourself which i always think you should do um because you know you've got to take care of yourself yeah well tina thank you for coming on thank you for sharing your story and i'm glad i got out of it i'm glad you saw the red flags remove yourself from the situation which you should be so proud of because like you say not everyone does and um yeah moving forward like abby said they're not all the same thankfully thankfully there are

some good ones and uh you'll be fine tina thank you so much uh Tina for joining us. Abi, is it a common thing? I mean, I've never heard that thing happening before, pretending to be someone else, but is that common? I don't know about pretending to be someone else, but it's estimated that 20% to 35 percent of people who were doing online dating are already in a relationship oh my god so that's like that's nearly well it's over a quarter isn't it that's yeah it's like it's a third it could be as many as a third which is one in three one in

three which we don't want to freak people out and say don't do your online dating but be aware that you know are they leading someone else along? What is the situation? For me, the online dating thing is how they think they'll get away with it because like Tina said, you can be savvy. We've all got a wag at the Christie in us, do you know what I mean? I always say just give me your phone, give me your social media page and I will find anyone and anything that I need to. You just get to the bottom of it. Sue, welcome to The Overshare. I think your story is going to be the one that people will tell other people about.

Everyone is going to be gobsmacked with your story. Take us back. Let's go back to your ex and that morning. Tell us what happened. We'd bumped into each other and had like a really good catch up and decided to go back to his. I had a lot of pain all that night by the way of looking like Alice Cooper

or like walking in a rainstorm. So I wasn't very like in the best situation. Then there was like a knock on his bedroom door and then his mom just like walked in i was like oh god this is so awkward and then she just kind of went oh are you gonna scoot along and i was like what and she asked him to scoot along he got up out of the bed and they i was lying in the bed uh luckily i had some knickers on because i only had like a dress thing on so i was like trying to hide what modesty i had left under the quilt you just

scooted into the middle of work so his mother got in bed with you the morning after the night before come on the sandwich oh my goodness and what how did what did he do did he be like mom no or was it like the norm for him he was like oh hi like mom can you not remember sue and she was like you look dead different and it was just you look different with your breast out oh my god what's going on and she was just sat there for ages talking on. She's like, oh, I just want some breakfast. And I was like, no, I want to try and find me shoes and me other items of clothing that's probably dotted around the floor and get out.

And how, you must have mentioned to him how strange that was. Yeah, and he was like, oh, that's just me, ma'am. You know, what's she's like? But that was just the beginning, wasn't it? Did this, because you spent some time with this fella, obviously. And what else happened I kept going over to his to see him and things um and then she just like start asking if I was on like any form of contraception what what form of contraception I was using and things and

I was like what oh my god I don't even have my own parents asking us this um and she was like just really possessive and i'd end up getting pregnant with him and she just totally like lost it and she insisted that when i went to work she went through his bin and found me pregnancy test and she texted and she was like oh i need to tell him before you do and i was like why she went because i know how to deal with this and how you react he's not going to be happy and i was like well it's not her i used to tell yeah i was like i need to like have this discussion with him because it's like a bit of a shock i only found out yesterday and i got a text off him she'd actually told him i was at work that i wasn't pregnant that's taking like control to the next level.

I mean, Abby, this goes beyond the whole mums and sons thing, doesn't it? Surely. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like she's extremely attached to her son and maybe struggling to let go of the control in that relationship. So it sounds like she was trying to control everything the narrative maybe to protect his feelings I don't know but yeah it's that is quite extreme was his was his dad around did she have a husband no no I think they had like a very volatile relationship but even like when he was going to work it would be kind of what are you feeding him what are you going to make him for his his dinner or his bed because he's used to this certain expectation I was like

he eats kebabs at the weekend on a on a burger van I was like you really worry about what he's putting into his body I was like what you on about but it was just every aspect was just so controlled and everything and every aspect of his life and things and inevitably he came with a choice where he was made to choose between his son and me and her and he's never seen his son for 15 years wow so it even got down to that the ties with his mum, that side of the family, have destroyed his own family because it's been that severe. Maybe, would it be a case of, I mean, we were talking, me and Abby, before we did this, I've got a son and a daughter and I do view them differently as in, you know,

I'm a bit more protective of my son because I know my little girl's going to be fine. She's clued up. Tiago's a little bit, he's a bit more soft like his dad. But I would never interfere. I always think my role as a parent, let them go out and make the mistakes but always be there for if and when they come back.

But the control over it, he's never going to meet anyone long term because who, like Sue, I'd have done the same thing. You're not going to meet anyone long term because who like sue i'd have done the same thing you're not going to put up with that no and actually it's been found that there's a research in america by a lady called dr terry or book and she found that if you're close to your mother-in-law and you're a woman you have 20 less marital satisfaction so if you're too close it's not a good thing and so really in this spot he would have been the one really to set the boundary and didn't but it sounds like he didn't want to so you're on very different pages about how the relationship should work so it probably would never work

and I can't see it working with most other people no every aspect of his life it's always been quite controlling when I used to say things to him like why is your mom like being so OTT I was like it's just not normal and he was like well it is normal it's just because you're not close to your parents I was like I'm close to them but at the same time I'm like independent yeah and it used to just cause so much friction. And every time I used to say, like, try and say something, it used to go totally off on one. Even when I was in labour giving birth to my son, she turned up at the delivery room asking to get in because she wanted to say I'm born.

I was like, you didn't even want him here. And now you want to be in the room? And she got really paid off that I wouldn't let her in the room. But again, that's your your time your choice your body you when it comes to labor it's all about what the mum would want no it's not about anybody else it's about you and your child and the fact that he didn't stand up for you in that situation major major red flag it's what he knows yeah so we sometimes think your product is correct. Yeah.

Even if it's not so healthy. But also he's missing a dad from his environment as well. They've probably only had each other. I'm obviously guessing, but they've only had each other. There's going to be a tighter bond, isn't there? If that's all you've had, all you could rely on. So you can see why it could happen. And I think a parent's job really is to equip their child to

be without them yeah and how is this going to pan out as you said and it's the hardest thing because you're teaching them to it's like you want them to be independent but still always need you so it's kind of you're teaching them I mean how is your relationship with your son I mean obviously you don't do the same thing I'm trying to teach him to be as independent as he can be it's kind of just what I would call a normal relationship with my son where I'm there if he needs us but at the same time he's got he's old enough to make his own decisions and he's got to learn by his mistakes and hopefully learn and grow from them but you've got to allow your child to live and have them experiences or else you end up with these kind of problems what have your friends said about it they were just like bewildered by it they they couldn't believe it

even when we used to like when these come to the house and things so it would be she would like sit with these friends and it was like she was like one of the guys, you know, on Mean Girls where she goes, oh, I'm the cool mom. That's what she wanted to see. But it was like, she wanted to be one of the guys. It's almost like wanting to blur the lines of guardianship, but also friendship.

And I know if I was in your situation and Gorka's mom got in bed with me, I'd be like, what is happening, Esther? What's going on here? You're in the wrong room. I'd be completely freaked out. You would, wouldn't you? I'm just pleased I had niggas.

I'm going to walk up. But it's like even if, you know, back in my 20s, I've done the, people say the walk of shame, I call it a stride of pride, across someone's landing, praying that their mom and dad doesn't come out of a bedroom you don't even want to interact with you just don't no interaction don't make eye contact you don't want to know what i've just done to your son the night before don't look at me never mind getting him in bed with you do you know what i mean it's horrendous

well thank you so much for uh for sharing with us and um yeah like i said i think this will be the the chat that everyone tells their friends about because we've all got that mother-in-law but yours have obviously your potential one took it to the next level we'll be saying oh it could be worse it could be getting into bed with you think of that yeah think of Sue i wouldn't know if anyone else has had something like that because i surely cannot be the only person ever to have had that experience i refuse to believe that would do me right so this is Alex our next guest on the Overshare. Now, Alex, you ignored many red flags over the years,

but you're still in touch with your ex, I believe, because you share custody. So tell us a bit about your story. What happened? First of all, he wasn't really my type. He was a bit... He looked older than me. He was, like, balding, a bit tubby in the tummy.

And it turns out that he'd lied to me about how old he was. And it turns out he was actually younger than me. Oh. What other red flags were there, apart from his little white lies? What else was there? So he was really full on in the beginning. He was like really eager, like real kino. He was also a bit insecure.

He had a really close relationship to his mum, which, I mean, those ones always got to watch out for. He would hide a lot of his emotions in the beginning. Like one day he dropped something and he was like trying to control his emotions. I was like, oh, that's strange. Like you can't swear in front of me. It's okay, I'm hardcore. And then he was like trying to control his emotions like oh that's strange like you can't swear in front of me it's okay um i'm hardcore and then he was like i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm like

what what's happening so that up and down with how we try to deal with things yeah and so basically little by little this aggressive side came out we did move in together after a year because we were really happy with each other you know in the early stages you sort of you've got to take a bit of everything with a pinch of salt you've got to take the good with the bad I mean he's going to go bald eventually what does it matter he's going to if he's bald now and so all of these things like I just don't really care like Like, I really liked who he was. He seemed like a really good guy. He seemed like butter would have melted.

And then we moved in together, and all these cracks started appearing. Like, he was really controlling. He wanted me to do all the cleaning. He wanted his house to be as clean as his mom's house. And I'm just, I'm stupid. I didn't pay attention to it. I had the big doubt. Is it me? It it must be me I'm the one provoking him he say this to me he's like you don't pay attention to me unless I shout at you and did I shout and say all these things you don't listen

you don't do anything like the house is a mess until I get angry you don't clean it and so I did I thought it was me I went to the doctor and to say I thought I had depression. Oh no. Thinking that it was my fault that if I was depressed, I didn't feel like the cleaning. So then maybe it was me

and all these things happened and literally the week before the wedding, we had this huge argument and I was like, I can't cancel it now. And I went through with it I'm married in and then I wanted the baby and eventually we we got the baby I was like you know he'll be different

with the baby like everyone else thinks and the warnings I didn't listen to them because I thought my daughter needs a dad she should be with her dad you know what I've gotten from you saying all this Alex and Abby obviously you'll probably know You know what I've gotten from you saying all this, Alex, and Abby, obviously you'll probably know a reason why. I've picked up. Alex said at the start, I took everything with a pinch of salt. You know, I ignored it all. And then it's self-blame.

Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Then it's the feeling of shame of I have to go through with this because everyone else will suffer if I don't. Then it's the shame and guilt of I have to go through with this because everyone else will suffer if I don't yeah then it's the shame and guilt of I have to put my daughter first because if if I don't she will suffer down the line everything and everyone has come before you so it's like everyone's at peace and you're in pieces and is that is that a common trait of I don't want to just say women, but someone in the situation of a relationship that is abusive, everything is, you self-blame.

Yeah, because what tends to happen is the person that you're in the toxic relationship with gets you into that position. So they put you down, they make you feel less. So you might start off feeling okay about yourself but over time and they've built you up as well so at the start the love bombing that you mentioned you know being really lovely everything going really really well you become attached to them and then they start to flip the script and chip away yeah and that's where you have to go oh it maybe it is me like even now you're saying i'm stupid you're not stupid because you got manipulated he manipulated that whole situation yeah i was more scared of leaving him and being alone

than putting up with that and that i guess i mean that's the cycle that so many people find themselves in is that they think so little of what they, you know, their expectation of what they deserve is so low. What is that? Why do we have that? It's low self-worth, I think, low self-esteem. I think worrying about not being able to find someone, if this is the first relationship you've had for a long time or you've struggled in the past, it's harder for you to imagine that it's possible.

Another thing that people do is, which it sounds like may have happened here a little bit, is it's called the sunk cost fallacy, where we buy into the idea that because we've gone so far into the relationship, we've invested so much that it's better to just stick around in the relationship when actually it would be wiser to move away from it. But because we've invested already, especially if you bring in like children pets marriage houses all these things they tie us to that person and make it harder us to harder for us to feel that we can live way out yeah I thought well anything is better than being alone and it's really not you can thrive by yourself and you can make things happen yeah and then I feel guilty without him I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter and that's really hard yeah it's like it's the person who you despise the most has given you

the most beautiful gift she needs a mum to be happy and to be healthy and until you're out of a situation you you can't you can't be that person yeah that, that's why I did end it. Yeah. Because I needed to set an example to her. So let's end this episode of The Overshare with a curveball. This is a tale of why occasionally, just maybe, the red flags are worth working through. Because we've got Debbie on now now and debbie met her husband

just before he was going to get married you met him on his stag do didn't you tell us what happened yes i still feel ashamed when i say that but um so we we'd sort of girls go on holiday we did it two or three times a year um all young free and single um got to the hotel in Magaluf and my best friend at the time knew Chris I'd never met him didn't really know anything about him and then when I dumped my case in the hotel room came down she was speaking to him so I was like oh he's a bit all right she straight away was like oh he's on his stag do and I was like oh okay cool we just sat and had some drinks together because they were catching up um and yeah that's kind of where it all started really and so obviously when you saw him in the reception you use an instant attraction from your end did you feel like he he was the same because

sometimes they give you that look don't they guys, guys? They look for a little bit too long or there's a little bit of... Yeah. Did that exchange happen? Yeah. It's really strange to explain those feelings because on the Wednesday, before we flew out on holiday, on the Wednesday I'd sworn off men. I'd been seeing somebody on and off for six years, got sick of being messed around and I was like, I'm done. That's it. And then met him on the Wednesday I'd sworn off men I'd been seeing somebody on and off for six years got sick of being messed around and I was like I'm done and that's it and then met him on the Friday

and the connection and attraction was instant and I did get that from him as well and yeah it's wrong but you obviously you can't help who you kind of connect with and and things like that but him and his friends went off and did their thing. We did our thing. It was just that we were staying in the same hotel that I saw him again the second night. And we had some drinks again, all as a big group together, laughing and joking. And it was just good fun. And that's literally all I thought it was ever going to be, really.

And then what happened when you when you guys got home at what point did you think well I guess did he think well the person I'm marrying isn't who I'm meant to be with so because we'd all had such a good time I was like oh when we get back we'll all have to go out you know catch up because he lived sort of 10 minutes from where I did okay we'd got the same circle of friends we'd been to the the same weddings. It's the same places. So bizarre how we'd never actually met each other. Well, I'd given my number and just said, oh, we'll all get together and we'd go out. On the Tuesday when I got home, I had seven calls to my phone. It's Chris. And I was like, oh my God, really excited, really happy. But also you need to make some decisions.

So go away and come back if and when you're ready kind of thing. And I guess he then went and called off the wedding, what was going to be. And then you guys were free to do what I guess was destined to be. If you kept meeting all these places, but not meeting, it's like the whole sliding doors effect isn't it a hundred percent I mean he you know it was they had a conversation mutually agreed that they shouldn't really be getting married um obviously I didn't know all this was happening at the time um until a couple of weeks later and he just said i'm free i'm i'm free and available um you know can we meet up and and see if the spark or the attraction that was there was it just something

that was there or is it more so we got together chatted about things i just wanted to make sure that he'd made the right decision yeah and yeah three months later I think it was we were living together oh wow and it went a bit mad so I met him in 2007 right um we were engaged in 2008 married 2009 and then had Scarlet 2010 what did did your friends think when you told them? Was some of them a bit, because obviously you'd want your mates to be cautious and not get hurt in the process. Of course.

I would never go out to hurt anybody. You know, I'd never cheated. I'd never lied. I've never, as far as I was concerned, it was just us having a laugh on holiday and I was probably never, ever going to see him again. So when all this started to unfold a little bit, my friends were just like, life's too short.

You know, if he's happy, decisions have been made, then just go for it. My mum was the complete opposite. She was like, stay away. Stay away. Step out of work. Abby, in your line of work is that any that sometimes happen to you do people sometimes come to you heartbroken because their partner

has left them but then obviously something you're not always meant to be with that one person i've been engaged before i mean i've been this is my third engagement um because is it yeah it's a third you know they just asked me and we've never even it. I mean, me and Gorka discussed it. He's the only person who I said, yeah, I would love to marry. The other two just proposed. I was like, oh, yes. But then six weeks later, I was like, no, I can't do it. Because you just know.

People do sometimes go through with an engagement or a wedding knowing it's the wrong person, but a fear of how do you get out of it? It's going to be hard to stay in that relationship over time if you're going into it you're not fully committed so i admire deb's partner actually for saying do you know what this this is wrong because it could have been a whole lot but imagine trying to get out of a divorce it's even harder isn't it he's done her a favor i hope she's okay yeah but he has done her a favour like long term and when you got engaged was a few of I mean I imagine your mum was like well he's done it to her he'll do it to you did you get loads of that stuff no because we we were just so good together everybody could see how happy

we we were and still are obviously um that he actually did it in my mum's house in front of her oh really um yeah so no everything just naturally organically just sort of happened you know I was 27 never been engaged before so was absolutely elated that somebody wanted to marry me I probably said yes to anybody at that point I think but um his ex has actually gone on she she's with somebody now who she met the same year and they're still happy still together have a child so it just obviously wasn't meant to be for them but obviously was for us yeah it's the whole it's the sliding doors moment there's there's times I was I've spoken about this on our radio show I was on a holiday with my ex and we were dancing in this,

it's called Senor Frogs in the Bahamas. And unbeknownst to me, a cruise ship pulled on the beachfront and we were stood with some drinks, literally pointing at the cruise ship saying, oh my gosh, look, it's massive. And Gorka was performing on that cruise ship randomly. We worked this out only in Gorks.

But I was there with my ex so at the time i thought i'm gonna marry him have kids this is it and then three months later turns out he had another life elsewhere and another partner and all that uh which was fabulous um but then i met gawker and it's the whole sliding moments of we're in the same we're in a different country without even knowing both of us together um but at the time you do genuinely think you're meant to be with the person you're with because otherwise why would you be with them exactly yeah so you're proof that a red flag can sometimes turn into something wonderful yeah i guess so that's yeah it's nice to end on a on a happy note isn't it it is yeah yeah oh well thank you so much, Debs, for coming on and sharing.

And congrats on your little, your love story. I love that it started in Magaluf as well. Hopefully. Come on. I used to love Magaluf. We used to stay. We used to stay.

It was two-star apartments. You know the club, BCM? Yes, yes. Next to it, there's like this grey tower of apartments, two-star. We used to fly and stay there for the weekend with the girls and wait for all the lads from BCM to come out it was awful

but I'm glad I did it same yeah yeah well I went back the following year with the girls I was like don't worry love I'm happy with you you're all right and when we did get married he did have a stag do as well and we'll add that that in. Oh, did he? Brilliant. I love that. Yeah, you'll be fine. Oh, brilliant. Oh, thank you, Debs. Congrats on finding your person.

And yeah, enjoy the rest of your day. Thanks for oversharing. No, that's fine. And good luck as well, Gemma, with everything. Take care. Well, that's it from our Red Flags episode. Thank you so much for getting in touch. And a special thanks to the Oversharers as well, who've been so brave to join us.

They really have and are hard it is. You can leave us a review, please do, because we read them all. And thank you to our pals at DFS, actually. These are the ones we've got as these lovely couches so instead of messaging me where's that couch from i'll tell you it's from dfs the overshare is produced by matt foyster and molly carter for bauer media so thank you to both of you and thank you guys for listening it means the world to us and thank you to abby as well for being here you'll see more of abby throughout the series we'll see you next time for more oversharing