The People, Process, & Progress Podcast - How my Wife and I Made it To 20 Years of Marriage (and How You Can Too!) | PPP #88

Episode Date: September 26, 2021

Sharing 10 things (5 from my wife, 5 from me) we felt helped us make through the first 20 years of our marriage.

Welcome to People Process Progress, episode 88, 10 things that got us to 20 years of marriage. The us in this case is myself and my wife, who recently celebrated 20 years married. We had a great trip to Nashville, hence no full episode, took some time off. And we thought, you know what, let's share what we've learned over 20 years

with those that are maybe newly married, maybe others married as long as us or longer. Knowing marriage is a different road, a different path for everybody. Some folks don't make it that long. Some folks make it way longer. But either way, we feel there are some things and half this list is from me, half of it is from my wife. And before we get into that, before we do the ground rules, I want to also dedicate this episode to someone that we lost in our family recently, Bilzy, who hosted us the day after we were married and our family, family he hadn't met yet. His family recently passed. We wish his family as close to my family well and Godspeed to all of them.

We'll miss your infectious laugh and your warm home in the cabin in the mountains. And we wish you and everybody Godspeed. Now, before we get started, please silence your cell phones, hold all sidebar conversations to a minimum, and we will get started with People Process Progress in 3, two, one. Welcome back to People Process Progress episode 88, 10 things that got us to 20 years of marriage. Hoping to share some of the stuff that my wife and I thought of that really made a difference to us individually, together, to get us to 20 years. It was not easy. And for those of you who've been married even for a year,

you know it's not easy, let alone longer than that. Some folks that have been married 50, 60 years, there's ups and downs. And I'll touch on some of that as well. And it's not the same for everybody, as I mentioned kind of in the intro. But, you know, we think these things can make a difference. And I look forward to sharing these, to hearing this feedback from you all. Reminder, if you are taking any Jocko fuel, drinking the energy drink, taking the joint supplements, doing whatever, if you use Penel, P-A-N-E-L-L 10, you will get 10% off there on the

discount code. So check that out. Also check out peopleprocessprogress.com, the website for this show, and follow People Process Progress on Instagram and Facebook. I post updates there as well as the website, so you'll get the latest and greatest. I post updates there as well as the website. So you'll get the latest and greatest. And thank you so much again for coming back. Let's get into how we started. So again, half this list of five of these things are from my wife. So I will give her perspective on her behalf. And then mine. So we'll go with number one, compromise. And this is the word that we use so many times. We've used it with each other. And we've used it with other folks that are getting married, whether they solicit our advice

or not. Compromise is key. It's so important. I've mentioned that here on the show at work, but personally, with your significant other with your spouse, in this case with my wife, compromise and from my wife's perspective, you know, finding happy ground where you both win, right? It may not be winning today, but maybe tomorrow, you know, you can pick whatever movie you want tonight. And then maybe tomorrow or Friday night, someone else will pick the movie, she'll pick the movie. I'll go away for a weekend, she'll go away for a weekend, but we compromise on what's going on. I'm going to go to jujitsu, she's going to go to a girl's weekend, you weekend, whatever it is, but we compromise with each other. So we balance who has a say and it's not always 50-50. Sometimes it's 80-20, 90-10, 100-0, back and forth, right? But you have to be willing to compromise and give

up some things every now and then to get some things down the road and just to help strengthen that relationship, right? To keep that going. So the first thing that we have certainly focused on and not always been a perfect app, but compromise is key. Second, you got to talk it out, right? Sometimes the last thing you want to do with your new spouse or spouse of 20 years or 50 years is talk to them when you're upset. But no matter how painful it is better than bottling it in. It is better than holding it in, letting it fester, making it worse. And as my wife says, this would have saved us so many years of heartache because we didn't always do that. We didn't always talk it out. You get mad and don't want to talk and you separate and you go stew over it for a while and it doesn't help.

But when you get to a place like we have and not our own, we'll support from family and friends and professionals, as we'll talk about here. When you talk things out, it makes a difference. And how you talk them out makes a difference, which I'll touch on in a little bit. But you know, we got to compromise, we got to talk things out. The third thing is outside help, right? This is a hard thing for men, maybe even for some women, depending on what they're going through in their lives for veterans, for public safety folks, you know, talking to other folks about your most intimate details is tough, let alone someone that's not your spouse. That's not your best friend. That's not someone who's gone through the hardship with you. It's someone you don't know that has a certificate on the wall that says they do this. And I love Jocko Willink's

recent verbiage that he uses for a psychiatristists or psychologists as far as a mind mechanic, right? Their job is to figure out what is bothering you. But, you know, kind of reiterating, like as my wife says, you know, whether it's for yourself or as a couple, and we've done marriage counseling and couples therapy. And you know, when you have a third party, that's not your friends or family, they're completely impartial, right? You get a little bit different feedback. And I'm not super crazy about it. But it is good to get others feedback and others perspective so that when I am answering or we're talking about things in a session or something like that, you know, the you get feedback that you wouldn't get from other folks that know you or are friends with you. You know, and don't think, you know, we're born with

the tools, right? Which makes sense. It's a great point for my wife to just deal with everything and to live with and parent with another person, right? We're individuals for so long, even if you get married young, and then all of a sudden, you're together forever, in theory, right? And when you take the oath, and you know, you don't just magically get along and do things together. And my wife, you know, says we can just magically get along and do things together. And my wife, you know, says we can always learn and grow. And that's what we should do, you know, to get out of seeking this outside help. And, you know, whether it's a counselor or a book or podcast or a friend.

And I've talked about how one of my best friends helped me start listening to podcasts that made a difference, that I made a change. And, you know, then that helps in the home and with your spouse. And, um, you know, like my wife says, and others have said, uh, you know, it definitely takes a village of folks to work together and the same for relationships. Right. So if you have an opportunity to get outside help, try it once, right. You know, and if you're at a place in your relationship, in your marriage, that's not going well, um, use all the tools you can in the toolbox, right. Cause you, you made the oath. You said, I love this person. You said, I'm going to stay with them. So there's a lot more to it than that. And I get it. And I've had all those discussions and thoughts too, but seek outside

help. Try it. Don't be too prideful to seek out. I know I have been before, right? But at some point you have to decide that, yeah, it's worth it. If you're in a tough spot and go seek that outside help, uh, together, right? You have to do're in a tough spot and go seek that outside help together, right? You have to do that together or for yourself, like my wife says, and I've done that too. Compromise, talk it out, get some outside help. That's not just friends or family. I'll add that on there too, right? Like professional. This fourth one, right, is sex and intimacy. We're married for a reason, right? It's definitely one of the benefits. If you're not on the same page about what good looks like, you know, it can cause a wedge in your relationship and, you know, not getting any details, but you know how often and just do you

talk to each other? You know, as my wife says, you know, as a woman and a mom and a leader, you know, having intimacy with me as her husband, you feel like, as she says, she's not just a housemaid. And certainly that's not a relationship. But it makes a difference. We like to feel like men in different things we do and women like to feel taken care of. And us being together in an intimate way is a great way to do that. It reminds her that she's loved and cherished, a woman and attractive. And we've had many of these conversations, so I'm not putting words in her mouth.

These are other words that she's spoken. And it's a big deal, right? It's an amazing human connection, right? It's obviously a key to having kids if you're going to do that. But that intimacy is a big deal. And when you start to lose that, um, if you have in your relationship, you realize you, you can see that it affects other parts of your relationship as well. So put some work into that. And that, you know, as a subject that comes up, that's weird to talk about with other people and counseling, right. Or that mind mechanic or marriage counselor, whatever his intimacy,

how often, you know, do you have sex? How often are you intimate? Do you go on dates? All those kind of things. So it's important. So we're compromising. We're talking it out. We're seeking outside help. Fourth, sex and intimacy has got to be a big part of the equation there.

To stay together, you've got to want to be with that person. The fifth of my wife's is your own purpose or your own outlet. It might just be her personality, she says, but she really enjoys having her job and what she's doing. She used to do wine groups, kind of selling wine groups, tasting wine, those kinds of things. She uses all that kind of stuff. She really liked it. Being involved in women in technology and mentoring, very important. Good to be out in the community and she loves it. It's her thing. It's what she does. She, very important, good, good to be out in the community. And she loves it. And it's her thing, right? It's what she does, does. She like me regularly works out, right? We have a nice garage gym now, active, whether it's a walk with a dog or getting after it through a program in the

gym. You know, they're all buckets that, that you fill that she fills that makes her as an individual feel good. Right? And when you fill your own bucket, as she says, it makes you a better person, a better mom, better wife, better leader, better friend, because she is, you know, getting her own purpose and her own outlet. And so I talked about, you know, a bit earlier when I started this episode, that it's not easy to bring two individuals together to be a couple, to be a married couple for a long time, but you're still individuals, right? You still have to be yourself. You still have to do things that you like, but just like number one, there has to be some compromise there, but you don't totally let go of who you are as a person. I'm sure lots of folks listening out there have heard that too,

or seen it, you know, family or friends, they all of a sudden become a different person or not themselves. They give all their own stuff up and that's a really, really tough spot to be in. And I don't know that it's the best formula for a long-term successful relationship. So those were the five things of the 10 for this episode from my wife. Now we're going to get into, and this one, go figure, kind of latches on. So we had texted these to each other, my wife and I, knowing that we wanted to share things. It was our anniversary. Hey, that'd be a good idea for an episode. And so she texted me her five things that I just read, and I texted her.

And now we're getting into what I had texted her and we had talked about afterwards. And go figure, you know, they're pretty similar. This first one for me is to continue to be yourself, right? Which is like your own thing. And again, while marriage is a partnership, you know, you have to kind of adjust what you do somewhat to the other person. You never have to change who you are as an individual. You shouldn't have to. If you are having to do that in a relationship of who you are as a person, unless you're correcting some kind of deficiency that you need to correct anyway, you shouldn't have to change who you hang out with, right? The kind of, you know, the way you talk and speak and do things and whatever. And we've always seen people that

are in super controlling relationships and it doesn't work out well, or it's not going well. You're still who you are. Your spouse is still who they are. And together you all should be able to have a life together. And if you're having to change that or you're having to give up too much, that that's not a, not a good formula. And maybe that's where you have to come back to number one in the compromise and figure out, okay, I like the way I do this thing, or I like, you know, doing these kinds of things. I don't want to give that up. So how can we, you know, change? So someone that wants to stay home all the time So someone that wants to stay home all the time,

someone that likes to go out all the time, where's the middle ground, right? And that's just one, one example, someone that loves sports, someone that hates sports. There's so many, you all have seen those out there, right? From different walks of life. But for some reason, you got together and got married. You got to find that middle ground compromise, but you got to continue to be yourself. This next one, I have, I'll say a couple different ways. Um, so this will be probably one of the few episodes, uh, with, you know, curse words in it. So the first way is to know when to shut up. Um, the other thing that I've told myself is to know when to shut the fuck up, right? Sometimes you have to emphasize that to

yourself because you want to win the argument because you want to have the last word because your emotions are getting high, hot, whatever, for whatever reason, sometimes you just have to shut up. You don't have to get the last word in, right? Many like to go out on that, you know, and sometimes we just need to shut up and listen and let things go. It's a challenge, you know, but if it can be learned early in the marriage, it'll help in the long run. I didn't learn this super early, right? I think both my wife and I worked on this, trying not to have the last word or, you know, you come home from a trip and the house is a mess and, but you know, your spouse was

there with the kids or even if you don't have kids, it's not the way you had this expectation, whatever it is, whatever you're thinking. Sometimes you just don't need to say anything, right? You don't need to make a comment, even if it's a joke, because we know there's so much truth in jokes. And that's a good kind of mental check is if you're in an argument or you're about to say something just in even in conversation or notice something, do you have to say it? Right. I don't mean check everything you're going to say, but you get the feeling. We all know that feeling. Like I think I need to say something or I'm just going to say it because I'm in this mood or I'm doing this or I'm doing that,

but pause yourself, take those breaths and consider if you really just need to know when to shut up. Uh, number eight overall. And for me, this was my third thing is to fix your own shit first, right? We talk about being individuals. We talk about, uh, coming together as a couple, but if we don't fix our own shit, we're not going to be a good partner for somebody else. You know, if we're not comfortable with who we are or we're dealing with things, um, and we take them out on our spouse, say you have a super stressful job and you come home and then you're an asshole, that's not good.

This is especially pertinent for veterans, public safety, health care, folks that are out and exposed to either bad people, bad situations like trauma, death, injury. You have stuff to deal with after that. Seeing a life leave a body is not great. Dealing with bodies that have lost life is not great. Hearing people make noises as they die, it's horrible. And that's some of the things I had to deal with that don't go away, right?

Or postpartum depression, like on episode 10 of the show, talked to my wife about that, right? These are things that we have to deal with on our own as men and women, as our individual selves that helps the collective, right, relationship come together. You know, we have to get right mentally and physically, right? In that period where, you know, we, as horrible as this past 18 months has been, we had an opportunity in our homes to get healthier. We weren't exposed to the snot-handed doorknobs of the world, people coming to work sick as much. So if you didn't do that, I highly suggest that.

But physically, you have to feel better. You have to be in better shape. It will help the relationship. It will help that intimacy thing we talked about spiritually, right? Whatever you think out there, whatever your religion or your spiritual beliefs are or something, you know, whatever that thought is being comfortable with those and that combination of mental, physical, and spiritual as an individual and fixing your own shit, which could include talking to somebody else, right? It could include getting after it in the morning and then, you know, doing better at work and doing this and that, but strengthening yourself

will no doubt help strengthen your marriage. It certainly didn't make mine perfect, but the change of getting up early, exercising, eating a little better, having a healthier lifestyle, mentally helped the jujitsu, right? Less stress, those kinds of things. It also influences your family, right? When you do those things, especially when you have kids, it sets the example for them that, Hey, maybe we should be active. We should get stronger. We should learn some self-defense. We should do some of these other things. And it makes a big difference. But for you as a married person, it is, it will make you better, which will make your relationship better. Number nine, overall, don't put on airs, right? And you know, that means just don't be full shit,

right? In your relationship. Why you married this person, they should be the person in the world, in addition to probably your parents, excuse me, your siblings that knows you the best. So it goes hand in hand with, you know, with talking it out. But when we talk it out, we can't pretend we're better or worse than we really are. If we're talking to our spouse, we need to talk to them openly and honestly, right? That's a big deal. If you're in a shitty place, then let them know that if you need help, if you need to go take a breath, then tell them and ask for it, you know, and go do it. But we have to not pretend we're something else or we're feeling something else with the person we've pledged our lives to, right? Openness, honesty with our spouse is what we have to do to help continue to strengthen the trust that we have for each other. till death do us part end quote right and that doesn't mean you know a relationship that's not honest and

trusting with each other or pretending we're you know anything other than we're not because they're gonna know anyway right you can only bullshit for so long uh and then why would you want to be with somebody that's bullshitting anyway so don't put put on airs is the thing I put on the list. You know, and I think it makes a big difference when you are really just talking well or you get to a point where you learn to talk well with each other and it's just, it's no nonsense, right? It's not a competition. It's a competition together against or in the world, I guess I would say, right?

To try and stick it out with the many challenges that are in this world. Number 10 is super critical. It's do things together, right? Date nights, hikes, coffee on the porch, happy hours around town. Whatever you all enjoy doing together. It doesn't have to be big and fancy, but you have to make time and spend time together. I mean, again, after all, you both committed to do this thing. You might as well have fun with each other, right? Doing things together. And I didn't certainly make up, or we didn't certainly make up the whole,

have date nights, but it's something that, you know, whether you have to get a babysitter or a family member or a modified date night, say your kids are little, you can't afford babysitters, you don't have family near you, get them somewhere in the house where they're safe and secure, where they're resting, where they're doing whatever. And you all make a date night downstairs, make dinner together, hang out, do something like that. Then when you can get a babysitter, certainly get out of the house, right? You know, we've all seen funny movies where parents get out and they go crazy or whatever, but spending time together, just you as a couple, right? Rekindling what it was like when you were dating for however long you dated before you got married

makes a difference. It's not the same, right? You're not in the same dating, but being able to be out together and enjoy just time together and not sitting there with each of you on your phone, which I have seen so many times, right? And it's not like I don't check my phone if our kids are at home every now and then, but how often do you see couples and both couples are sitting there on their phones, right? That's, you might as well just not be out at dinner together when you're, if you're, if you want to spend a significant number of years, meaning the rest of your life together,

and you've really committed to that, that that means when you're together, you're together, right? Mentally, uh, not logged into the matrix on your phone. And it's a huge thing. And again, go out to dinner anytime, anywhere, and you'll see this happen all the time. So these are 10 things that my wife and I thought were pretty helpful that's helped us. We've had some times, we've been close to not being married anymore. When you get to the point of looking at the cost of apartments and all these other things,

and you get to just a really bad place in your relationship, you take stock in it. And these are 10 things that we have done over the 20 years that we've been married to stay together, right? From the best times when everything's peachy through the worst times. We've dipped into doing some of these all the time, none of them, and all that. And it's just like life, right? Sometimes life's awesome. Sometimes it's horrible, but it's still life, right? For us, sometimes our marriage is fantastic.

Sometimes it's not, just like I'm sure many of y'all's, but it's still marriage with a person that you committed with. And that doesn't mean, right, that it's for everyone to stay with the same person forever. People get divorced, I know plenty of people have gotten divorced, that's their choice. That's, you know, what's needed for them at the time for their decision. No judgment there whatsoever. Again, this is just shared, right? We figured 20 years experience is pretty good in the professional world. That's considered pretty experienced. So I'd say in the married world, but I'd be interested to hear from some of you all, right? When I post this episode on peopleprocessprogress.com or on Facebook or Instagram, what are some things that you do or that you know your parents did or

other people that have been married a long time did that worked or maybe didn't work, right? Because process doesn't always work, right? Some processes we think are great. We know, and I would include these as kind of steps in the process of marriage. Some do, some don't, you know, but I hope that this does help folks make do, some don't, you know, but I hope that this does help folks make progress, whether you're, you know, married a month. We met folks that were on their honeymoon in Nashville at the same time we were at the Ryman Theater, which was awesome. I saw Jimmy Johnson there and a few others. So cool to see that. But we'd gone up and I'd asked the emcee kind of the, you know, the announcer there to say, Hey asked the MC kind of that you know the announcer

there to say hey can you wish us you know 20th and make an announcement and the young man next to me to the right was like hey we're here on our honeymoon they just got married so it's cool to see that perspective so for folks like the young men in Nashville that just got married or anybody else in the world I hope this helps here's ten, the quick rundown. As a recap before we close it out, you got to compromise with each other. Talk it out honestly.

Seek outside help. Sex and intimacy has to be part of the relationship. Your own purpose or outlet is important. With that, continue to be yourself. You shouldn't have to change for other people. No one to shut up, right? Ask yourself that question. Do I need to have this last dig? Do I need to make that comment? Do I need to say this or that was done? Fix your own shit first. You have to be okay as yourself before you can be okay with other people. Don't put on airs,

right? You've married someone forever, right? It doesn't make sense to try and be someone you're not. And lastly, don't ever forget, do things together as a couple. I thank you for listening to this podcast, whether you're listening to it with your significant other, your spouse, or on your own. You're driving or you're flying or whatever. I've appreciated the feedback and the folks that have reached out to be on the show or just, you know, given comments. That's it for this episode, though. Don't forget, if you get some Jocko Fuel products, use P-A-N-N-E-L-L 10. Get 10% off there.

Check out peopleprocessprogress.com, Facebook, Instagram, all the places Pupil Process Progress are available. Stay safe out there, everyone. Wash those hands and Godspeed.