The Ramsey Show - App - A Message of Hope Series: Dr. John Delony

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

It’s scary out there, but hope is greater than fear. In times of crisis, facts are your friends. So get the facts and other common sense guidance on life and money from thought leaders Dave Ramsey, Ken Coleman, Rachel Cruze, Chris Hogan, Christy Wright, Anthony ONeal and John Delony. Get a FREE trial of our life-changing Financial Peace University today: https://bit.ly/3dFT7ir daveramsey.com/hope

Hey, good folks, John Deloney here. I'm new to Ramsey Solutions team. I've been here for a few months. They call me Dr. D around here. So great to be here and be with you. For the better part of two decades, I've worked as a senior leader at universities and colleges, working with students and their families and their local communities in crisis response and victim services care. I care deeply about people being well. people having solid relational IQs, right? Being good relationships with themselves, with their loved ones, with their communities. And for helping people reclaim their lives from the fear and the anxiety and the noise of this crazy time. I have an incredible wife and I have two incredible, extraordinary little kids.

I'm living through this madness just like you. You may be asking yourself, why in the world did Dave Ramsey, the get-out-of-debt guy, hire a mental health dude to join his team? Dave and his team have always said that when we have problems dealing with our money, it's often a sign of bigger or deeper challenges in our hearts and in our minds and in our relationships. I'm here to help us help you with those bigger challenges. I have a PhD in higher education. I have another PhD in counseling. I don't have a lot of friends, but I read a lot

of stupid books, right? But I've both studied this stuff and more importantly, I've lived through it, walking with countless folks through their own challenges and through their victories. And I've been laid low by my own mental health challenges and my own stupid decisions. And I know firsthand that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm joining you here as a fellow traveler, as someone who has seen a lot and done a lot of dumb stuff. And that brings me to today. We've got this global health pandemic, right? We've got unimaginable economic consequences, a highly contagious infection of fear,

and a fourth under-discussed crisis that I'm calling this the Great Disconnection. unimaginable economic consequences, a highly contagious infection of fear, and a fourth under-discussed crisis that I'm calling this the Great Disconnection. And in the Great Disconnection, the best thing we can do for our friends and our families and neighbors is to stay away. We're acknowledging that these are scary times, but there are things we can do right now to address the uncertainty and to gain perspective and traction of what tomorrow may look like. So I want to start with this. I recently heard Brene Brown say this is everybody's first pandemic. So let's all be a little more graceful with one another, right? And I love that.

This is my first pandemic. This is your first pandemic. So let's all just exhale and lean into the fact that we are doing the best that we can, right? So the first is the great disconnection. I'm an introvert who was born and raised in Texas. We raised the cows that gave the leather for the bootstraps that we're all supposed to have pulled ourselves up by. The idea that we can live alone and do life alone is a myth.

It's a lie. We need other people. And it pains me to say that, but we do. Some of us are also suddenly homeschooling kids. And for those of you who are single, you found yourself in your one bedroom apartment in a wall and a wall and a wall suddenly feels more like a prison and less like a home. And some of you are totally alone and make no mistake. We can all find ourselves alone in a crowded room, right? Just because I'm bumping shoulders with my wife or running into my

kids doesn't mean I don't feel lonely inside. I've had several close friends experience a sudden loss of parents recently, and they were not able to hold their full funerals or hug their family members. This thing is robbing us of our humanity, of the things that make us who we are, and that's our relationships. Boom. Overnight, we got disconnected. And that brings me to the second major thing I want to talk about. I want to talk through what's happening in our brains, in our bodies, and we're labeling everything as fear and anxiety, fear and anxiety, and I think it's much more nuanced than that. Here's the deal. Anxiety is just a fire alarm. It's an alarm that senses something in your environment is out of whack and you may not be safe.

Anxiety is just a fire alarm. And a true anxiety disorder, all that means is the alarm is broken. It's going off at strange and unfortunate times and it's been going on for a while now. We've all been in somebody's kitchen and they have a very sensitive smoke alarm that keeps going off or every time we open the door to pull out some cookies or a pizza or something, right? Or we've all been in buildings when they're testing the fire alarms and they just keep going off and off. And they say, keep working, but you can't email, you can't talk on the phone, you can't hold a conversation. And you're just finding yourself, you just find yourself wanting to run out of the building.

These feelings of anxiety and fear are real, but they are way more under our control than we think they are. And additionally, what we label as anxiety and fear is often just a wrong label. I want us to reclaim some of our vocabulary, right? As a culture, we've often lost any sort of vocabulary beyond anxiety, depression, and fear. And we've made wrong any sort of emotion that doesn't make us feel happy or anything that doesn't make us feel comfortable. I can't tell you how many times I've told people,

dude, your parents just got divorced. You're not depressed. You're sad and you're supposed to be sad, right? Or you just sent an email on Friday. You shouldn't have sent it. And you may be unemployed on Monday. That's not anxiety. That's called guilt and regret. And so I want to help us expand our vocabulary and want us to be so much more graceful with ourselves and with those in our community. Some of you may

be feeling exposed or guilt for not having planned better with your money. And now you've got so much credit card debt and then bam, out of the blue, Murphy shows up and enacts his law. Some of us feel ashamed that we're annoyed or frustrated by our kids running around or that we don't love homeschooling or we don't love working side by side with our spouse, right? Because good moms and dads don't love having their kids run around everywhere, right? Or good husbands and wives don't love being next to each other all the time. You may be feeling lonely. You may be becoming clear that when the noise

and the dust of your business settles, you're looking around and realizing you are totally alone. Or maybe you're just angry, right? Angry at your government, angry at your kids, angry at the cosmos, angry, angry. There's no prom, no graduations, no third dates. It's all postponed in weddings.

Maybe you're just angry. Many of us have been so busy, go, go, go, go, go, for the past few years that we haven't honestly felt true emotions in a long time. And we run from the gym to breakfast to work to children's activities to church to television to bed and repeat. Some of us are so exhausted and spun out and disconnected that in addition to the fear we're feeling, we're also feeling our addiction to the rush and speed of everything just going away. And there's so much going on in our hearts and in our heads.

There's so much going on between people. And all these feelings are normal and they're to be expected. And all of us are experiencing them. So be kind to yourself and other people and be slow to label everything anxiety or fear and just know your feelings are normal and you're just feeling the full range of being a person. But regardless of what we call it,

we're being flooded by emotions and our fight or flight has been fully engaged and we're wondering what to do. And that leads us to the final feeling that I believe is the most painful, especially for a culture like ours that believes we have the answer to everything. And that's this dreadful feeling of uncertainty. The world feels like it is unfolding in front of us, right? Like watching a tsunami coming right at us, maybe, right? We don't even know. And in some ways we're feeling paralyzed and scared. Some of us have put certainty in our jobs and our marriages and bank accounts and our bodies.

Clearly, I have put it in my body, right? But we've put our certainty in our kids' position on the Little League team and our Tinder profile and our political affiliations and our status or whatever. And it, too, is suddenly gone. And these feelings of uncertainty can feel unsettling and unnerving when the foundation that we've been anchored to for so long is ripped away. And that brings us to the third thing. Living in real time through a transforming world. We are all experiencing uncertainty as we live through a transforming moment in history. And there's no question about it.

Things will look different after this. And we know this and there's nothing we can do about it. We're having an extraordinary wake-up call for the lives that we all took for granted. And so I want to provide you some tips for what you can do right now to get reconnected, to absorb and feel your emotions and live in it, and start making plans for what's coming next. So what are we going to do, right? What are we going to do? As I said earlier, I've spent many years responding to the worst crisis imaginable. I've trained with SWAT teams and police forces. I've been behind closed doors during some hard university conversations. And I found myself planning for some really crazy

situations. And I always jump into challenges with two basic principles. Number one, I can only control my thoughts and my actions, period. Number two, I always want to believe this will probably get better, but it might get worse. And I want to hold both of these intention, choosing to focus on the optimal side, right? Things are going to get better, but holding space and having a plan for what might happen if it doesn't. And since anxiety and fear turns off my critical thinking skills,

I want to do everything in my power as far upstream as possible to have my character, who I'm going to be during this time, etched into stone. And so with these two principles in mind, here are some concrete steps for dealing with the great disconnection, with the flood of emotions, including fear and anxiety, and to how to deal with the uncertainty of watching history unfold underneath our feet.

Number one, recognize that which you can control and let go of everything else. Everything. As I said earlier, you can only control two things on planet earth, your thoughts and your behavior, period. The faster you can take ownership of what you can control and the other things you can't control, the better off you will be. You can control how much nonsense on the internet you fill your mind with. You can control how much time you spend on social media. You can control how much you dwell on the what ifs and the doomsday scenarios, and you can control how you are to your wife and to your kids and to your husbands and to

your neighbors. You can control how much grace you give to your coworker. You can control if you just get up and go mow your neighbor's yard, just for something to do, right? You control your thoughts and your actions. And this may be a great moment for looking for other small things you can control too, like cleaning out your garage or your closet or learning to meditate from one of the 8 million apps, reading that stack of books you've been trying to get to and you just never have, or exercising, intermittent fasting, or whatever goofy things they're saying that we're supposed to all be doing these days, right? But you can take control of small bits of your day. But take this unprecedented moment in history to exhale and begin to regain more control over the things in your life which

you had previously let go of. Number two, make a plan. Make a plan every day. At Ramsey, we say make a new budget every month. Well, we're in new times, ladies and gentlemen, so we're going to make a new plan every day. It takes like 10 minutes. Spend 10 minutes with your spouse, with your roommate. Invite your kids if you can. And just make sure everyone's on the same page. Our brains trick us into believing that familiar is safe. And it's why people stay in abusive relationships or they keep working in places where their boss is a tyrant or awful.

Because familiar feels safe. And now for many of us, nothing's familiar anymore, right? It's all frustrating. We weren't trained to be homeschool teachers. We certainly weren't trained to be stay-at-home employees next to our significant other all day long. We weren't trained to be computer programmers or locked in our apartments by ourselves, right? So our brains are sounding every alarm that we have, right? So in addition to the plan, having a daily routine is critical here, right? So our brains are sounding every alarm that we have, right? So in addition to the plan,

having a daily routine is critical here, right? For the last week, people have been asking me, what's your daily routine? What's your daily routine? Here it is. I just brought it for you, okay? Every morning I wake up with this same plan, super high tech. This is it. This is my daily routine every day. The night before I go to bed, I get this fancy device called an index card for some of you young folks. It's an index card, and I write on it with this cool gadget called a pen, right? And I just write down what's going to happen tomorrow. Half of it's with work, and half of it's with private and personal stuff. Today was wake up early, go for a long walk, work out.

My gratitude journal, which I've got right here, my regular journal. And here's a scripture journal that me and my dad and my brother share every morning. Hugs with family, prayer time. I have to write an article today. I've got to do a bunch of recording and stuff today. And I'm trying not to do sugar and grains today

because I've got to get control of my head back. And we're going to watch our church service that we skipped yesterday. All that to say is, and then we're going to watch our church service that we skipped yesterday. All that to say is, and then we're going to get home and I'm going to play with the kids. It's going to be a fun night, but it's tracking your day.

And I just mark it off. Old school lo-fi, everybody. It's awesome, right? So number three, research out of Rice University and really all across the world shows that stress, loneliness, and lack of sleep

can make you more susceptible to the COVID-19 virus. Again, going back to the things you can control, managing stress, loneliness, and sleep is critical. So how do we do that? Be very, very selective about where you get your information. The four basic news channels and rogue internet providers, that's not where it's coming from.

Their job is not to give you from. Their job is not to give you science and their job is not to give you correct information. Their job is to get clicks. Call people who know, like your doctor, or call or listen to people that you trust, period. Okay? Limit the places that you get advice from. Nature and sunshine and bird chirping and all that, it's critical to your mental health and to your physical health. Go outside multiple times every day. My buddy Kevin and Michael, they live in Texas, and they sent me a note the other day that just said they went out walking, and it looked like the federal government had mandated that everyone get out of their homes

because everyone's out walking their dogs in their neighborhoods and waving to people. Me and my family, we're going on multiple walks a day, sometimes alone, sometimes with all of us. I make a point to wave to everyone, to say hello, and just be kind. My kids have picked up on it, and while I'm doing it to spread joy to my neighborhood, I know I'm receiving joy back as well. And you've heard all of my friends here at Ramsey say this, but I'm going to say it again. Protect your four walls. Your family's not cared for, you just lost your job, finding out exactly what they need will give you a path to get you peace. Get out of your head and write it down. If that means heading out to a local grocery store to stock groceries, get on it. No pride. We don't have time for that. I don't care where you went to school, how smart you are. Be a hero for your family and get scrappy

and start doing the things you need to do to put food on the table. Also, eat right, exercise, and sleep. I tell you what, dude, I've eaten so bad in the last week. I'm making my commitment right here on this national streaming device. I'm going to start doing better. My family deserves better. My work community deserves better. You deserve better. Okay. And then making sure you sleep. Next is connect, connect, connect. Our devices aren't the best, right? But they're what we have right now. FaceTime with your mom, hug your family, talk with your wife.

If you've got friends who are medical workers and they're stuck, call them every day. FaceTime them if you can. Those people are lonely and they are doing hero's work every day, right? FaceTime with a new friend every single day. I've got to catch up with old college roommates that I haven't talked to in years

It's been incredible And protect your relationships How do you do that? Number one, be kind Dave and I talked about the other day On the Dave Ramsey show We're going to start a kindness revolution Where we're going to go first

And we're going to reach out and just be kind Remember that your kids, your employees, your neighbors Everyone's watching you. Model good behavior. Model kindness. Especially moms and dads here, be vulnerable. Admit to loved ones that you're scared. Admit to loved ones that you're frightened and you don't know what to do. Men, your wife and your kids will love you for looking them in the eye, taking their hands and saying, I'm kind of scared because I don't know what to do. They can all feel it on you, right? That you're nervous, that you're scared and you're trying to be tough. Just be honest.

You'll find yourself on the back end of this deal closer than you ever imagined. You've got to be emotionally dependable because you are the adult. Moms and dads, you are the adults. And that doesn't mean acting like you know everything or spilling your conspiracy theories on the kids and your small groups at church and all the neighbors. It means being still, making and holding boundaries, not giving into rage or being a jerk, being open and honest with your family and being present, put your phones down.

And as we talked about this before, this is bringing up all sorts of emotions in all of us, right? That you may have had hidden for years and years. Every mental health provider that I know has moved their practice online. So if you find yourself overwhelmed with emotions or fear, contact somebody immediately. Reach out to leaders at your local church,

but don't just sit in isolation. And finally, look for places to serve your community and your family. Find places to serve. Get out of your own head, right? Quit thinking about what's coming and go family. Find places to serve. Get out of your own head, right? Quit thinking about what's coming and go do. This could be writing letters. This could be checking on people in your church,

checking with folks before you need to go to the store to see if they need anything. This could be picking up trash in your neighborhood with your kids on your walks, right? Or buying local and tipping like mad where possible. And keep sending memes. Dude, I tell you what, I've seen some of the funniest memes ever flying around over the past few weeks,

and they're bringing joy to my sarcastic little heart, right? And speaking of service, here at Ramsey Solutions, I've only been here a few months, and I tell you what, behind the curtain, it's incredible. The first thing that went down last week, they thought, how can we serve this country how can we serve this community and they got in a room and started hammering things out they scoured their products for tools and resources that we can give away or make the

prices so low that basically we're giving them away to help folks through these wild and uncertain times you may have heard this it is b-a-n-a-A-S, dude, but for the first time ever, we're offering a free 14-day trial of Financial Peace University and the Every Dollar Budgeting app. Financial Peace University has helped millions of people get control of their money, but more importantly, it's get control of themselves, of their hearts, of their relationships, of the why they do the things they do. Go to DaveRamsay.com slash hope and start your free trial. And while you're there, we're selling books,

we're giving stuff away. It's our way of saying, hey, make it happen. While you're stuck at home, make it happen, right? We want to serve you. And I want to leave you with this from one of my mentors, Randy Harris. He often said that sarcasm and pessimism so often present themselves as wisdom

and joy and optimism so often look dumb or uninformed. We get to choose one or the other. And I'm asking each of you to work towards joy, to lean in and work towards optimism. May you laugh often, be of much joy, and may we all be a little more kind. We're in this together. I'm here with you. We'll talk to you soon. This is John Deloney. Hi, good folks. We all need more good news in our lives right now. So we will be continually updating a message of hope with relevant topics that matter from me and other Ramsey Network hosts. Stay connected with the latest episodes by subscribing on Apple Podcasts, following the show on Spotify, or listening in your favorite

podcast app.