The Ramsey Show - App - Dealing With out of Control Spouses (Hour 3)

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, it's the Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create actual amazing relationships. Rachel Cruz, Ramsey Personality, is my co-host today. Open phones at 888-825-5225. You jump in. We'll talk about your life and your money. Jill is in Las Vegas. Hi, Jill.

How are you? Hi, I'm good. Thank you. Good. How can we help? I'm calling because I'm just kind of like, my mind is in chaos right now. I'm on the verge of wanting to divorce my husband, basically to try to keep it short, but for the whole last year and this year he has been um kept me in the dark with our finances like i wasn't allowed to be to have access to his account or any of the accounts um um and he would kind of occasionally like give me money weekly but anyways it um i was like hey it's time to get a new house because we have a three-year-old that needs his own bedroom.

So we pulled out money from the HELOC, and he was, you know, very up to pulling that money out. Why would you pull money out of a HELOC to get a new house? Why don't you sell your house? Well, we were going to keep this house to rent it out and charge double because the rental market in my area is about $2,300 and our mortgage is only $1,000. Well, that's before you took out a HELOC and before you had expenses. But let's go ahead, okay? Yeah. And so we were going to take the HELOC, put money down on another home, lived there.

But between December to May, I didn't know that he had actually gambled all of the human luck. And I found out, too, that we have, like, $20,000 worth of credit cards that were all cash advances. So he obviously has a gambling problem. Yes. What kind of gambling is he doing? He does slot machines. Mm-hmm. Okay.

And when you all talk about this, what does he say? He doesn't, he, well, when I found out, out i was like where did our heloc go i was like um well first i found out about the twenty thousand dollar uh loan from like seven different credit cards and i was like okay you know what like take our heloc pay it off with that because the HELOC is only 9% and all the credit cards are like 23 or 29%. And he's like, well, the HELOC's gone. And then I was like, wait, okay, start over. What happened to our HELOC? You mean gone, like completely gone? And he's like, yeah, there's only like $1,000 in there. And so he told me where it went. And I was kind of in shock. And he just, and then I said, okay, you need to go to Gamblers Anonymous,

but she refuses. And he says, I have no problem. I can do it. I'll just give you all the money. I'll transfer it from my account to your account and you handle all the bills. But a big part of me just feels like he cons me into getting the HELOC

so that he could have access to cash, and he burned through it really quickly. So now we have this house that was only a $1,000 mortgage. Now it's a $3,200 mortgage, and now we have no money to go get a new house or even pay for repairs for this house. And all the whole time, I've been living like... What does he make? $90,000 a year. What do you make? I don't make anything.

I stay home. I did sell a couple of real estate, I mean, a couple of homes last year. I made $18,000 last year. But since he didn't give me any money i kind of burned through that and paid off things and you know how do you think we can help you best today um i guess just is that was since that's not his only addiction in 2018 he had to go to rehab and finally you know stop drinking but i feel like just with so many addictions that I've had to tolerate, like, is that grounds for a divorce and selling the house,

and then we could be free and clear of debt? Yes, it is grounds for that. But the thing is this. Until he puts addiction of all kinds in the rearview mirror, and unless he puts addiction of all kinds in the rearview mirror, you're going to have hell on earth. Yeah, it has been. Yeah, and it's not going to get any better it's getting worse every day

and so i'm going to work on it myself is the famous lie of every addict okay no one destroys their whole financial situation when they have a three-year-old at home that is logical. It's not logical. It's financial suicide. Only an addict commits financial suicide. And 100% of addicts eventually are broke. And most of them die from something associated with the addiction.

And we've worked with addicts for 30 years. We are not addiction specialists, but I'm afraid I've watched them a long, long time. 100% of them are liars, 100% of them are manipulators, and 100% of them are liars a hundred percent of them are manipulators and a hundred percent of them are eventually broke and stay broke so the only answer the only solution to that is to not be an addict anymore and that means get help and put the addiction in the rearview mirror gamblers anonymous counseling uh strong support systems, social systems around you,

changing the picture, changing the look, changing everything, and the cocaine, the heroin, the alcohol, the gambling, the pornography is in the rearview mirror. It's the only chance that the family has and that the addict has. And this is not something you fix on your own, Bubba. That ain't how this works. It's got control of you. It owns you.

And you have to have some help to get this demon off your back. You can't do it by yourself. And it's just obviously if you coulda you woulda because you wouldn't have screwed your whole family over no one does that on purpose it's an out of control person that does that so jill your position if you were my daughter or my little sister i put my arm around you and say uh he's already got two strikes if he doesn't get in counseling and doesn't start taking some hard strides towards putting this in the rearview mirror and that includes he doesn't touch money ever again for the next four years you touch all the money you handle every bit of it he doesn't see any of it you explain it to him you

show him where it went you can be transparent with it where it happens but he hands his paycheck over to you he has no hidden accounts no lies no side credit cards no side girlfriends no bullcrap and keep yourself protected too jill yeah and if he if he won't if he won't turn it over to you and go get in counseling you're gonna have nothing but hell on earth because he's just lying again. Sorry, but that's just the hard core. There is no middle ground with folk in these situations, man or woman. Doesn't matter. In that case, you're protecting yourself, Jill, and your child.

Yeah. And you've got to start talking about what kind of career you're going to have to sustain your life as a single mom. Because 100% of addicts are eventually broke 100 that's a horrible stat rachel cruz ramsey personality is my co-host open phones at 888-825-5225 peter is in toronto ontario Hi, Peter. How are you? Hi, good. Thank you. Good. How can I help? So my question is, I recently inherited some money from my father who passed away,

and it's enough money to pay off the mortgage on the house. And my question is whether I should do that or invest the money in investments like in Canada, it's not an IRA, it's an RRSP. And, you know, things like that. And we do have, I have two children. I'm married. I'm 60. My wife is 55. We have 11-year-old twins. And so, you know, we do have a college account for them. We have an investment fund for them as well. So there's only enough money to either pay off the mortgage or not. The wrinkle in the question is, you know, to be blunt, my wife is a compulsive shopper. So we've been married 16 years, and we've gone to counseling on this issue a number of times. And, you know, she promises to change and stop and it doesn't change.

My wife's parents are not wealthy, but they were, you know, comfortably middle class. They were very wise with their money. So when we got married, they actually bought a house as a gift for us that we live in. It's in my wife's name alone. Um, I didn't realize how much credit card debt she had racked up. Uh, and it was in the hundreds of thousands. Um, so we ended up having to get a mortgage on the house to pay off the credit card debt. And that mortgage is in both of our names. We're paying right now, it's an adjustable rate mortgage. We're at 8.34%. The bank is saying that they're going to raise the rate soon. You know, like money-wise, it is kind of paycheck to paycheck.

So paying off the debt on the mortgage. So let me get this straight. If you take your inheritance from your father and pay off the mortgage from your wife's compulsive spending in a house that's in her name. Yes, but the mortgage is in both of our names. I know, but now the house is free and clear and it's not in your name. Yes. That doesn't end well. I'm not worried about that. Why?

Well, a few reasons. One, our marriage is strong. When? When was your marriage strong your wife is a compulsive shopper runs up a hundred thousand dollars how do you call that a strong marriage yeah yeah okay yeah so no i'm not paying off someone else's house who has an addiction. Yeah. How easy is it to get your name on the deed?

I'm just curious. That doesn't fix her issues, but I'm just from an asset perspective. Well, she could, you know, with her permission, add my name to the deed. I am not the kind of person who fights over money. I wasn't asking you to fight over money. I was asking you to be wise. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I love her parents very, very much.

And by the way, her parents are actually are that has nothing to do with it yeah well i would feel you know they you guys are married you guys are married okay so if you're going to share in assets and share paying off her debt you have just of a right to have your name on the assets of your marriage You're not being greedy in that sense. It's not an unloving act towards her. By the way, we're paying off her debt. It wasn't your debt. She ran it up. Yeah. Okay.

I mean, her argument would be that it was for necessities for the house. The thing is, she overbuys. So, you know, like children's clothing, our kids had $100,000. Yeah, dozens and dozens of shirts and pants and, you know, stuff like that. Right. If we're talking 10 grand, we can probably nitpick if it was right or wrong. But 100 grand, I mean, that's an obvious, crazy number. I mean, that's wild. Oh, and by the way, it was under the cloak of darkness. You didn't know it happened. Yeah, it was hidden.

So, Peter, I want to go back to this. I didn't realize. Yeah, I didn't realize. Like, I saw stuff coming in, but prior to our marriage, I never had that. Okay, besides that card specifically or that whole $100,000 in general, do you guys talk about money or do you all have a budget together? Do you know what's going on or does she just handle the money? How does it work in your marriage?

So she has always handled the money. And before our marriage, I never had credit card debt. Like once in my life when I was very young in my 20s. Sure. Do you have access, Peter, to your accounts? Like, do you check in on the accounts and kind of have a pulse of what's going on at all? You know, I do. Now that our kids are a bit, when the kids were young, like we were barely getting any sleep.

And, you know, with both of us working full time, we were exhausted. But now that the kids are more self-sufficient, I feel like I have the time now that I can start. The bandwidth. Okay, because that's what I would, that's my encouragement to you, because we find this so often that one spouse in the marriage takes the weight of the money. They're the ones that pay everything, know everything, do everything. And to a degree, that spouse has so much pressure and responsibility. It's very isolating. And that's been your wife. Now, I'm not justifying at all her stuff of 100 grand of going into credit card debt and you not knowing all of it. But also, you didn't know because you don't know what's going on. So, Peter, you need to step up in this and sit down and be a team together. And you're a very kind person.

But when you said, I'm not the kind of person that fights with money, these are the fights you need to have because your marriage needs a level of unity and a level of agreement that is so deep that you guys are on such a level of vulnerability and honesty that it may come up. There may be some fights, and that's okay. Conflict is okay. And this is an area of your marriage. You need to be fighting about, Peter,

and not being irrational and angry and hurtful. But man, you need to step into this. Yes, Peter. I mean, she may feel very alone in it, and she acts out for whatever reason in this way. But I'm just saying, you need to step in, and I would say that to any caller when it comes to marriage. You guys need to be more of a team,

and that's the exact reason you want to push into this because it's going to create a better marriage. It really will. It's going to not be fun at first because you guys are going to be maybe back and forth with stuff, but that's what creates a level of intimacy because you're doing it together so yeah okay enablers people who psychologists or therapists label as an enabler as i've worked with them over the years they're the nicest sweetest people they don't want to

cause a ripple they don't want conflict They want everybody to be happy. And the irony is that it's the most hurtful thing that you can do to not cause the conflict because the conflict is where healing comes from. And again, not a raging, angry conflict, but a conflict based on strength and wisdom. And so what you're thinking about doing is just trying to hide this lump under the rug again by paying off the mortgage, leaving it in her name, which is absolutely ridiculous, dude. That's just nuts. Okay. With what you've described here and you think then it's all going to be okay. If you just keep being nice, it's all going to be okay. If I keep being nice, it's going to be okay. I love her mom and dad.

They're sweet people. I wouldn't want to hurt them. If I keep being nice, it's all going to be okay. And, dude, that's a classic. It's a classic case study. And so you've confused nice. By being so nice, you've actually caused harm. And you didn't mean to. you would never cause harm intentionally but i want you to be the surgeon that cuts

so that there's healing a little hurt so that there's healing a little conflict so that there's healing you don't pull the splinter out, it's going to fester. Rachel Cruz, Ramsey personality, number one best-selling author, and my daughter is my co-host today. Open phones at 888-825-5225. In the lobby of Ramsey Solutions on the debt-free stage, Luke and Arizona are with us. Hey, guys, how are you?

We're good. Welcome. Where do you guys live? Just north of Bowling Green, Kentucky, a little town called Owensboro. Know exactly where it is. Welcome to Nashville. So you're about an hour and some change out? Yes, sir.

All right, cool. How much debt have you guys paid off? We paid off $25,500. Very good. And how long did that take? About one year. Good for you. And your range of income during that time?

We started at about $105,000 and went up to about $115,000 during that period. Very cool. What do y'all do for a living? I'm a teacher. I teach eighth grade social studies and I coach football and wrestling as well. And then I work for a university called South University. I'm an admissions representative online remotely for them. Oh, very cool.

Good for you guys. So great. How long you two been married? One year. On Monday. Oh, happy anniversary. Thank you. Well, well, well. So you look up and you got $25,000 worth of debt.

What was the debt? Student loans, small things. Yeah. Mostly student loans. Mostly student loans. Okay. And you get ready to get married and you go, okay, we got student loans. Tell me the story.

What happened here? What made you decide first thing, first order of business when we get home from the honeymoon is this debt's going away? Well, I guess we were kind of looking at things and talking about what life would look like whenever we were married. And finances came up. And I've always known about the Dave Ramsey show. And I've listened to it with my dad since I was probably five years old. And we were kind of talking about it.

And I said, well, here's a plan. And whatever plan we decide to do, we need to stick with. And I convinced her to try the Ramsey way. And then we got to it and paid it off. Just like that? Just like that. Just did it. What did you think, Arizona?

Were you like, okay, I can do this. She's a strange man. I'm getting ready to marry. The student loan, was it more, whose was it? That was me. Okay, so it was mostly yours. Okay, so you were like, we're going to pay this off. And so what did you think about it all?

I was terrified. I would say more than anything, like he came into the conversation so excited. He's like, we're going to listen to this podcast. And it was funny because on the way to get engaged, he played the podcast for half of the 14-hour drive for like the book, Total Money Makeover. So I was like, please, can we listen to some music? Please, can you turn this guy off?

We're going to listen to this. And so it became kind of, you know, common practice and common conversation in our household. Like we would go to do something or get a trip or something like that. And we'd be like, Dave wouldn't like that. So great. Okay, so what did you guys do you're a newlywed couple what were like the things that really helped you knock out the $25,000 I think for me

the big thing was he is very passionate about like our future not only for ourselves but for our kids so it was a big deal for me because number one we both want to create a life for our family to be able to give them something to look forward to or give them something financially but during the process we were very fortunate to you know we both have great jobs but on top of that we sold a vehicle and purchased another one with cash and used the proceeds of the first vehicle that we sold to pay a huge chunk of that off and then the rest of it we paid with savings that we had basically gained by living off one income during this period of time oh that's smart okay yeah you're able to look at that and just live off one that's great well

done thank you what do you tell people the secret to getting out of debt is be intentional yeah communicate yeah even when it's hard because i like to take cruises and um like i like cruises i'm a big carnival cruise fan and so anytime that there's a deal email that comes through i'm like look luke this would be awesome he's like no not right now so until we get this cleaned yeah exactly exactly very cool. Exactly. Very cool. Good for you guys. I'm proud of you. Who was cheering you on as you went through this? Honestly, my parents. We kind of talked about that we were doing the Dave Ramsey plan,

but we really kept it to ourselves, like between our friend groups, our friend circles. If someone asked us, then we would kind of tell them that we were following Dave Ramsey. But then we wouldn't, other than that, we didn't share with a whole lot of people. We just kind of kept it to ourselves and make sure that we communicated together that's so great well what advice would you give a newlywed couple who's starting this journey what would you say to them um I would probably say unsubscribe from the cruise line yeah don't

get on carnival cruises email list it's not good for your wallet. No, I would say above all, it's more about the connection that we've grown together in the last year. We actually just purchased a new home and paid off our previous home. We sold enough to pay that 20% down on our next home. And we close hopefully next week. So this last year has been so full of ups and downs for us,

especially in our first year of marriage. So just being intentional with each other and having those hard conversations. But above all, when people say, oh, that Dave Ramsey thing, or, oh, you can afford it, it's not a big deal. Just reminding ourselves, especially me, I'm probably the one that has to be put on track a little bit more. But just reminding ourselves and everyone else that it's worth worth it in the end and this feeling is is unmatched yes yes so good so great oh well congratulations thank you guys so but are you going to go on a

carnival cruise to celebrate one year now that you're debt free probably not okay he says no gotta save up some money i'm not sure Carnival's getting a good ad out of this version here. Oh, my gosh. That's awesome, you guys. Way to go, y'all. Thank you. So proud of you. So proud of you.

I know your family's proud of you, and you've set yourself up to have a very, very bright future. You're obviously on track. You've got a game plan. You're laying it out. Whether it's ours or anybody else's, you're on track. You're doing it together. That's what it is.

What you said, for sure, Luke, intentionality. That is the the whole thing that's how it's dialed in well congratulations we got a couple of years for you uh two one year subscriptions to every dollar premium keep that old budget going and or you can give away one of them to somebody else and get them started as you're talking about it and uh our way of saying thanks to coming for coming down from owensboro owensboro is a great town thank Thank you. It's a great town. And congratulations, you guys. We're very, very proud of you. All right, it's Luke in Arizona celebrating a one-year anniversary on their marriage by

doing their debt-free scream. $25,000. Don't you wish you'd done this in the first year of marriage? $25,500 paid off in one year making 105 to 115 count it down let's hear a debt-free scream three two one we're debt-free this is how it's done boys and girls i love it i love it i love it well done so great so so great so i wonder how many people have been trapped in their car on the way to getting engaged forced to listen to one of our books. Mine or yours or somebody else's.

Oh, man. Yours would be more pleasant. So funny. Oh, my gosh. So great. So romantic. Luke, such a romantic guy. Such a romantic guy.

Yeah, Luke's a regular Romeo. Oh, my gosh. After 14 hours of listening to Dave in the car, want to get married? Do you know what? And I love almost their attitude around it. It was like, well, we have it. We're going to knock it out. We're going to say no to stuff, and we're just going to do it. It was just a matter of fact.

There's just this level of just doing it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. And now, I mean, with great income, no payments no payments it's amazing it's an amazing thing i mean you're making a hundred thousand dollars a year you don't have a payment in the world it's great and you buy your next house i mean my gosh you got a payment on the house but that's it golly and that's the first year of marriage not bad ding ding ding ding ring the bell

that was very well done very well played And the interesting thing is if we take, you know, what they were paying payments on that 25, if you just put that in the bank from their age now, put that in a mutual fund from their age now until 65, that's millions of dollars that that debt would have cost them, that it's not going to cost them now and it's not going to make them because your most powerful wealth-building tool is your income. And you get it back when you don't have to give it to everybody else.

The borrower is slave to the lender. The Bible's not kidding. Yeah, and again, it's that urgency of getting out as quickly as possible. Mathematically, it's on your side. It increases the probability of success. Yep, absolutely., mathematically, it's on your side. Just do it. It increases the probability of success. Yep, absolutely. Well done, Luke in Arizona.

Yes, well played. This is The Ramsey Show. Our scripture of the day, Ephesians 3, 12. In him and through faith in him, we may approach God with freedom and confidence. Abraham Lincoln said, those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. And under a just God cannot long retain it. Ooh.

That was stated in the middle of the slavery movement. Wow. Middle of the Civil War. Wow. Middle of the Civil War. Wow. And Juneteenth. There it is. That's real. So good.

Holly is with us in, I read that quote, Holly in Albany, New York. How are you, Holly? Good. How are you? Better than I deserve. What's up? So I've gotten myself into a big hole. I apologize. Um, right now my account's negative $600. I have no money. Um, I've in the past 60 days, I've paid over $1,300 in overdraft fees. I'm going to call my bank to cancel that overdraft because I realize that's ridiculous.

And I just don't know where to start. I'm behind on my mortgage, and I just don't know what to do. You by yourself? I have a husband and we have two kids. Okay. Are you handling all the money by yourself? Or is he just watching this happen or what? So we're trying to talk more about it.

Originally, it was he was just giving me money to pay the bills. Um, but he had his car broke. He had to get a new car. And so he's not, he has not been giving me money with his paycheck here and there. He will, or buy the groceries. Um, but it's pretty much been all on me. me money with his paycheck. Here and there he will, or buy the groceries. But it's pretty much been all on me. Holly, are you working?

Yes. So you guys have separate accounts? Yes. So he kind of earns money, does whatever he wants, comes home, and you pay all the bills? Yes. Does that not feel weird to you?

It feels weird to me. It feels very weird. Yeah. Like wrong? Yeah. Okay. And have you guys talked about that? What does he say?

Well, he just says that he doesn't make as much and he's trying to pay. He pays, so he pays for his car, his insurance, and then our kids do go to a private Catholic school. And I know I could just cut that out and I wouldn't have that monthly payment, but it is something that's really important to us. Um, so he has that payment for his daughter, um, and because her mother refuses to pay for school. Um, so we've taken that on. So he has a child from a previous marriage, and then is the other child both of yours, or was it one from... The other child is just mine.

Okay, from a previous marriage, okay. How long have you all been married? Since November. Okay, all right. Okay, you have several... The overdrafts are not the problem, they're the symptom. And so what we're hearing is there are several problems that when you solve those problems, the overdraft will go away.

Okay, does that make sense? Yes. Okay. Problem number one is just disorganization because no one intentionally runs their checking account into the red. You might have if you were like buying groceries or something like that because you didn't have the money to eat otherwise. But most people, it's just disorganization. If you laid out a game plan, your game plan would not be, I'm going to intentionally create $1,300 in overdraft fees.

That would not be your game plan. I don't think you did that. You're too intelligent to do that on purpose. Does that make sense? Yes. That's kind of what happened as a part of the chaos and the disorganization and coming up short. Because your portion of the responsibility here is larger than your income. You're coming up short.

Yes. Yeah. Okay. larger than your income you're coming up short yeah okay problem number two is um you all are running your relationship in your household horribly um and that would be that the two of you need to sit down together you probably need some good marriage counseling because you need to sit down together and say all right we just got married and the preacher said and now you are one and you're not acting like it you're acting like two you're acting like roommates that both have a kid right and it's killing you it's causing you to be afraid. It's breaking your heart. You feel disrespected. Am I saying things that are untrue?

No, you're spot on. Okay. All right. And he's probably wounded and hurt from his last relationship and is still carrying some of that and then projecting that onto the new relationship i'm guessing that'd be kind of normal to do that by the way it wouldn't mean he's a bad guy it just means it's like well last time i got burned when she was acting like this i'm not doing

that again right i'll just keep everything over here and i'll take my part you take your part we'll see how it works out that that's generally that that's the voice of hurt that's the voice of a wound okay so i'm not saying he's a bad guy but he is really mistreating his current wife so um if i were your uh your older brother i would tell you to put your, to sit down tonight and turn off the TV and put the kids to bed and say, Hey dude, this is not working. Turn the lights on. As John Deloney says, turn the lights on in the room. Cause we're all kind of walking around in a fog acting like this might, might work out.

It ain't going to work out. Turn the lights on and go, this is not working. We either made a huge mistake or we've got some work to turn the lights on and go this is not working we either made a huge mistake or we got some work to do to get on the same page because i'm not gonna live where you treat me like your servant does that sound right yes okay holly from just a tactical sense i'm curious if you combined both of your incomes and you guys really worked out of one account, you paid household bills together out of that account, would you be behind on the mortgage right now?

I don't think so. Yeah, I don't either. Because I feel like I would have a better handle on what each of us are kind of. Yeah. I want both of you to have a full handle on it. And so much, Holly, of money and the way we use money, the way we view money, the way our dreams are around money and our fears, all of that is so wrapped up into who we are. And when you keep that part of you from your spouse, which is what he's doing, there's such a lack of transparency that's going

on. And, you know, on a really extreme, terrible side, you know, we see people with addiction that they hide stuff from their spouse, another light. I mean, like stuff just happens when money is hidden in the dark on an extreme side and on the other side i pray that it is what kind of dave said earlier he's just like i just don't want to get burned and i've been through a divorce so this and this you know well if you've been married eight years i might be suspecting him of a lot more you've been married eight months yeah yeah so i'm trying to i'm trying to give him the benefit yeah that's fair that's fair but the lack of transparency too is one of the reasons we talk about the level of unity it's horrible because it's just everything is everything's there and

you're working together and and you're you're a team and you're not being held like this i mean holly when you said i'm behind you're not on my words you're not but you guys we yes yes and that amount of weight we are about to lose our house yes because you are standing over there in the dark handing out money like i'm your child giving me an allowance that ends tonight bubba okay that's how the conversation goes in tennessee you know so you you can in albany new york you might be nicer than that but we get we get all we get all hillbilly about it around here i'm just saying oh holly we're cheering for you girl yeah go get go get go get some marital help

it's worth pushing into this yeah you can you can win this battle it's i've seen people overcome it many a time but he needs he does not understand how much harm he's doing to you and to the marriage he can really lose his house because he's being stupid. Y'all got to get on the same page here. Go get some help, kiddo. That puts this hour of the Ramsey Show in the books. We'll be back with you before you know it. In the meantime, remember, there's ultimately only one way to financial peace,

and that's to walk daily with the Prince of Peace, Christ Jesus. you