The Ramsey Show - App - Don't Forget That Boundaries Have Consequences (Hour 1)

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Debt, Relationships Tools to get you started:  Debt Calculator: http://bit.ly/2QIoSPV Insurance Coverage Checkup: http://bit.ly/2BrqEuo Complete Guide to Budgeting: http://bit.ly/2QEyonc Interview Guide: http://bit.ly/2BuGnZE Check out other podcasts in the Ramsey Network: http://bit.ly/2JgzaQR 

Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studios, it's the Dave Ramsey Show, where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey personality and newly-minted podcast host, is my co-host today here on the air. We're taking your calls about your life and your money. Open phones at 888-825-5225. That's 888-825-5225. So, John, while I've been away for a couple of weeks goofing off for my birthday and other miscellaneous activities I wanted to engage in, you guys have held this thing down?

We've tried. A couple of times we've talked about how nice it must be to have your name on the building to just take off for a few weeks. So I hope you had a good time. But, yes, we've held it down. You've been talking to me while I was gone. Is that it? That's what you're supposed to do when the boss is gone. But, no, man, we've held it down and had a great time, and we're glad to have you back now we're honored i'm honored to be back

for sure and uh i i do this has been the rhythm of my life for 30 years so when i'm off for any period of time at this time of day my body starts going where's the radio show i need to plug in and it's like yeah um i can turn it off but uh but i can can't turn this time of day off. It just activates because I've been doing it for so long. So good to be back in the saddle. Open phones as we take your calls about your life and your money. 888-825-5225. Let's see if I've forgotten all the answers.

Maria is in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Hi, Maria. How are you? I'm good, Dave. How are you? I'm good, Dave. How are you? Better than I deserve. What's up? So here's my situation.

I still live at home with my stepdad and my mom. I currently drive a 2018 Ford Escape, and I owe about a little over $13,000 left on it. Plus, I have a student loan that I have $11,000 left to pay on. I feel kind of stuck because my stepdad doesn't think I should sell my car to pay off my loan in full. And I thought it would be a good idea, but they don't think so. So what do you think I should do? How old are you?

I'm 27. And what do you make? Can I give you a salary or does it have to be a... What's your household income? What would you make if you didn't live there? What's your income? As of right now, I make $13 an hour, 40 hours a week. Okay, and you're only working 40 hours a week.

Yes. So what are you making, $25,000, $30,000 a year, right? I would say so, yes. What do you do? I work in a greenhouse. It's actually a place where we grow lettuce for grocery stores. Cool. Yes.

What's your long-hmm. Cool. Yeah. Okay. What's your long-term career plan? I'm not 100% sure what I want to do, but I'm just trying to focus on the debt and just tackle it with as much as I can. Okay. And your stepdad and mom are not multimillionaires, I take it? No, they're not. I worry about them sometimes with their retirement. I do too because they don't have any money because they've had car payments their whole life.

And that's the advice they're giving you. And so we really, they're sweet people and they're giving you a place to live. We want to respect that. But their financial advice, you don't take financial advice from broke people. No. Even if they're people you love and you love and you respect them otherwise and all that kind of stuff and so you know we just don't do that so um what would be wrong with you just moving out and selling your car that's a good point i never thought of that i just i have as a dad i have trouble with someone who won't take my advice

staying under my roof so i hate to tell you to not take his advice to stay under his roof right but his advice is wrong you're i agree with you on that but i also want to respect the fact that he's providing you shelter and so and none of this is in a panic because you're not completely broke or something you can just make a plan and say you know over the next 90 days i'm gonna save up some money i'm gonna work extra you're only working 40 hours just kick in your hours pick up an extra job doing something and pile up some money and get you a little apartment and sell the truck right i have about a little over almost four grand in my savings i wanted to save up for something perfectly good that's used and i think that

seems logical yeah that's great that's logical and it gets you out of you know and i think you got to work on your career side long term because i don't you don't want to be 53 working in the greenhouse 13 because you didn't ever do anything it didn't ever move up in your world right whatever your world is i don't care move up in it and let's start doing that but you know you start setting some career goals and start setting some things something happens when you move out whether you're 27 or whether you're 22 or whatever something happens in your uh you know it's just like it's kind of like when they let go of the seat of the bicycle you better pedal you know because you're gonna fall freaking over if you don't right so you gotta pedal and that's it's good for you to

pedal like that i don't know john what are you've got to pedal. And it's good for you to pedal like that. I don't know, John, what are you thinking? I think you've got to move out. This sounds like a broader issue. We're talking about a car payment, but it's not about that. It's about being 27, still making $13 an hour, still being comfortable. And like you said, Dave, I love that analogy. You've got to get off the bike and just start pedaling.

Yeah, let them let go of the seat, and it'll be good for them too. And, you know, you don't have to be disrespectful to them in this regard. I mean, I have friends that don't know how to vote, and I'm not disrespectful for them. They just vote the wrong way. I still love them, but I can, you know, and I have people that I disagree with on, you know, lots of things. But I can be respectful to them and kind to them, but that doesn't mean I have to follow their advice or go along with whatever they tell me I have to do. Especially moms and dads that you know are doing the best they can

with the only tools they've got in their toolbox, right? Yeah. I mean, if you want to eat healthy and your mom's 400 pounds and she doesn't think that's a good idea, then you probably need to eat healthy. Right. Because your coach is not doing it. There you go. Get nutrition advice from somebody else. Exactly. I's just you can't you can't do that and so um that that's what you're

facing so you got some career stuff going on you got some debt stuff going on and you got some moving out stuff going on and the three of those are going to work together to completely change your life in the next 12 months it's going to be amazing yeah and that's i love what you said there's nobody's in a panic nothing's on fire but start saving Yeah, and I love what you said. Nobody's in a panic. Nothing's on fire. But start saving your money and get out there and do it. Yeah, you got $4,000. You can probably start working on looking for a place right now. And then use $1,000 of that to get moved out and then save you up $1,000 and get rid of the escape. Get a second job from the escape.

There you go. Look at that. Look at that. I did that word thing. That's amazing. You should go on vacation more. You come back a poet. Man, that's fantastic. Yeah, hardly. But, yeah, I mean, that's amazing you should go on vacation more you come back you come back a poet man that's fantastic yeah hardly but yeah yeah i mean that that's the thing and um so yeah

i i i always hesitate to tell somebody to disobey someone who they're living with you know and to not respect their uh advice and so really tantamount with selling the escape is you really need to be out of there because it's being you know he's telling you and he's furnishing you a place to live and so i don't know how toxic that advice is or how controlling it is or whether it's just a casual thing i think you'd be silly sell a truck you know or if you sell the truck i'm throwing you out you know i don't know which which version of this we've got. But I think it all comes back to who you're giving a vote to, right? Who you're giving permission to speak into your life. And as long as you live under somebody's roof and you're eating their food and using their electricity and water, they own you.

There's a thing that goes with that. That's right. That's the thing that goes. Even if you aren't using mine, yeah, you would go by my rules while you're there. That's exactly right. That's how this is. You're not going to, you know, we go to church on Sunday. We don't do drugs.

We don't sleep around. These are what Ramsey under my roof do. That's right. It's that simple. If you don't want to be at my house, then you don't have to be at my house. Get your own. That's how this works. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. Families all over the country are discovering a faith-based and budget-friendly way of meeting

health care costs, whether they're anticipated or completely unexpected. For example, take the Olcheski family from LaGrange, Texas. Jeff and Carice had just celebrated the birth of a new baby boy. Shortly after, they had another expensive medical issue come up. They could have faced a huge financial setback. But thanks to Christian Health Care Ministries, the Olcheskis were spared from a ton of medical bills. As members of CHM, they're part of a group of believers who financially and spiritually Thank you. nearly $97,000 to help the Olcheskis. To be a part of Christian Healthcare Ministries, visit chministries.org.

That's chministries.org. CHM is a proud sponsor of, Ramsey Personality, has just started his own podcast. John, I'm sure you guys have been announcing that while I was gone. Tell everybody about it. We started a live Taking Calls podcast, and we are shooting a few times a week. And everybody's surprised that launch number one has been doing really great. And we've had some exciting calls, and we're keeping it going. Yeah.

So people wanted to call in about life. About life. Mental health type things. Mental health, marriages. I mean, there's no end to the calls we're getting. Yeah. It's really been neat. Yeah.

A lot of folk out there needing guidance. So if you want to participate in that, you can email askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com or leave a voicemail, and they'll set up a live call with you as a part of the show. It's like a radio show, in other words, as a podcast at 844-693-3291. 844-693-3291. 844-693-3291. This show is very hard to get in on, but if you email or leave a message there,

they'll get back with you and let you be a part of the Dr. John Deloney Show, originally named, of course. Scott is with us in Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, Scott. What's up, man? Hello, Dave. Hey, Dr. Deloney. First of all, Dave, congratulations.

Dr. D is such a great addition to the lineup. Well, thank you. We agree. You're welcome. Thanks, Brother Scott. And your check is in the mail, Brother. All right. Waiting for that.

Since I'm on BS2 right now. So, anyway, to my question, my wife and I, like I said, we're on baby step two. We've got a ways to go. We're currently cash flowing to kids through college. My parents, who are 80 years old, never saved for retirement. Dave, I called in last year. You helped me, guide me through bailing my parents out of a financial crisis. And then you sent them through FPU and set them up with a financial coach.

They fully completed both. And you also sent me boundaries, which I read. Last month, they called me to tell me, not ask me, that they needed me to co-sign a loan for them because my mom wants cosmetic surgery they can't afford. At 80? Yeah. I don't even want to ask.

Well, I could make it exciting, but it has to do with dental work. Oh, okay. So I told them I was not going to dismiss the principles I live by to enable their behavior, especially after they ostensibly learned the same thing I did. Anyway, my birthday was August 30th. It came and went without a call or a card. My father now spends time posting passive aggressive stuff on Facebook about how children are supposed to treat their parents. Now, I know I'm right by not co-signing,

and I'm not sure from a relationship standpoint what I'm supposed to do here. I wouldn't let them starve or be thrown out on the street, but this is a want, not a need. We're all angry, obviously. One of us is right, but we're at a stalemate. That hurts so bad. I'm sorry. Yeah, Scott, I hate that for you, brother.

So here's the deal. When it comes to what's the right thing to do financially, of course you know that you're right. And when it comes to the right thing to do relationally, of course you know you don't need my validation, but you're right. You drew a boundary that was best for you and for your family, and you held them to it. And I'm proud of you for that. And you're getting to see what the other side of a boundary looks like when someone pings off your, the walls or the fences or the boundaries you drew and they choose to react immaturely. And the hard part is you love your parents, you love your mom, you love your dad individually and together and they're choosing to make their own path as adults are able to do and that hurts and that stinks and you're gonna

have to grieve that but the reality is they're 80 they're allowed to do whatever they want to do and i would suggest you turn off facebook and don't listen to the nonsense and you continue to be mature and you continue to be adult and And you send them cards on their birthday because children honor their parents. And you make sure they're included when it's appropriate. But you're going to have to grieve this part of it, man, because that just stinks. I'm sorry. I hate that for you. The only recompense you've got is this.

There's only one kind of relationship that requires money to be transferred. It's called prostitution. And so if your relationship is money-dependent, you're in that class. You don't have a relationship, in other words, because that's not a relationship, that's a transaction. Agreed? I agree. And so it's the only way you have to get your brain

around and honestly it's chapter 2 I believe maybe 1 even in boundaries that says you're not crazy you remember that chapter you're not crazy because when you get this peeing off the boundary like John described it what you start to feel is that you're crazy like you did something

wrong am I a bad son am I being a legalist am I being a legalist? Am I being too hardcore? And so forth. And it's like, no. Scott, you were just asking how to deal with this? Well, yeah. I mean, nobody wants to pick up the phone at this point.

And so here's the deal. Call them in and check in. How's everybody doing? You can be the mature grown-up one there. And if they choose to respond in immature ways, then you can begin to develop new boundaries against that the challenge with boundaries is we feel so good when we finally draw them and we forget that boundaries do have consequences and boundaries do have emotional and feeling you know responses and sometimes people don't respond well to our boundaries and it hurts.

A boundary is when someone feels like they're entitled to something of yours that they're not entitled to. And you tell them that. Almost always there's a response of anger. But I think we get so excited that we're drawing a boundary that we feel good and we do it and it's like, ah. And we forget that then people come up against it and say well then you're not my son or i don't love you or if my son really i can't do cocaine in the living room dad then i just won't let you be my dad if you're going to throw me out for doing that well i'm sorry we don't do cocaine in our living room or it's going to be your fault that my kids are

going to fill in the right so people get to respond they're going to respond your grandchildren are going to be hungry because of you because of you right giving this 36 year old without job for two and a half years any money you know this kind of thing and so it's your fault somehow it's not your fault man um it does hurt legitimately it does it breaks your heart and but i think i agree with john i mean just call them and have a conversation but here's the thing don't try to call them and fix it no there's nothing to fix they can't they're not there's no fixing this. They're just going to get over it or they're not. Yeah.

And I always want to encourage people to be the mature party, be the respectful party, the relational party, but also protect yourself and don't keep putting yourself in harm's way. Yeah, exactly. I hate that for you, Scott. It's awful. Theo is with us next in Chicago. Hi, Theo. How are you? Hey, Uncle you, Scott. It's awful. Theo is with us next in Chicago. Hi, Theo. How are you? Hey, Uncle Dave, Dr. John.

How are you both? Better than we deserve, brother. What's up? And before I get to my question, I'd love your advice on it. I just wanted to honor both of you for a minute and say how appreciative and grateful I am just for the wisdom and the biblical insight you guys share. Well, thank you, sir. How can we help today? It's part of you guys. You're very nice. I really do appreciate that. Thank you. So my wife and I were on baby step six. We have about 200,000 left to pay on our house currently. And we've been kind of kicking around this idea, praying and kind of looking at different directions in order to have us go with our future.

We have two little kids, and even pre-COVID stuff, we made the decision we wanted to homeschool our children, and Lord willing, a few more down the road. I'm up against the clock. Go ahead and tell me what your question is. I'm looking at buying a lot of land, like five to six acres, and then doing a construction to permanent loan. I just wanted to get your insight and kind of best practices or advice on that. Okay. The land price can be wrapped into

the cost of construction in one loan. It's a temporary loan to be taken out with a permit to be replaced with a permanent loan when the construction is complete, and you mentioned that. So you will get a construction loan when you also are approved for the permanent loan, and the permanent loan gives you a letter called a takeout letter, meaning they're going to take out the construction loan when the construction is complete. And so it's just effectively, at the end of the day, ends up causing you to have simply a mortgage. So you've got to make sure you're getting rid of your old house. It will cause this to happen in the process somehow.

But two of my kids have built houses this year uh without construction loans they pay cash but the um but in both cases or in one case they sold their house in order to be able to pay for it and so you just line all that stuff up and hit the end domino and it goes We'll be right back. In the lobby of Ramsey Solutions on the debt-free stage, Tony and Jessie are with us from Indianapolis. Hey, guys. Hello. Welcome to Nashville.

Thank you. Hey, thank you. And here to do a debt-free scream. Yes. How much do you guys pay off? $221,000. Wow. How long did this take? Five years. Five years. Okay. Very good. And your range of income during that time? We started at $70,000 and we're at $130,000 now. Good for you. What do you guys do for a living?

I'm an assistant administrator for a construction company. I'm a sales manager for a small distribution company. Great. Very cool. So five years, $221,000. Did you pay off your house? Yes, we did. Look at that weird people.

I love it. Way to go, you two. So what's this house worth? Well, we purchased it for $140,000, and today it's worth $210,000. $210,000. You have a $210,000 paid-for house, and you're how old? I'm 29. I'm 33.

And you're so weird. Wow. That is so awesome. Thank you. I mean, 29 and 33-year-olds don't have paid-for houses. You do. Yeah. That's awesome.

Thanks. Way to go, you guys. So tell us the story. What happened five years ago? Got this whole thing started? Yeah. Yeah. So we were just kind of bouncing around as newlyweds doing all the things that normal

people do, right? Financing cars, financing furniture, pretty sweet 70-inch TV that was on loan for about five years. Doing all the normal stuff. And one day, Jesse looked over and said, I think I want to have a baby. And I said, oh no. You can't finance that. We're running out of room, right? So as the nerd in the family, I kind of looked over the budget and I realized how in trouble we actually were, right? So our church was running a program.

Unfortunately, we couldn't do that class, but started YouTube and kind of got in that internet wormhole where I was watching Debt Free Scream after Debt Free Scream, and I slowly transitioned from, you can't do this, this isn't real, to, well, heck, if they're doing it, we can do it. If that guy can do it, I know I can do it. Right, right. So we bought the book and um let's just

say it was game on from there yeah yeah so jesse you he comes in after going down the youtube wormhole yeah he says i bought a book what'd you say um well i bought something else uh no i mean i've always kind of trusted him there um if he if he told me, you know, we were going to be fine, I thought, okay, we're going to be fine. But then he was like, we're, we're not going to be fine. So when he told me about, um, your book and then I listened to it, I was like, wow, like, okay, how are we going to do this? And he set up the most crazy budget you've ever seen, color coded and everything. And we just started working the baby steps and when we paid off that first loan um it was game on from then it was it was very motivating and this is going to really happen yeah right start to go this is real yeah there's something that

happens and you gear it up and then another one then you gear it up again and then you gear it up again so when did you pay off everything but the house? How far back was that? Well, right before, nine months before that little one was born. Yeah. So that was 2017. Okay. So the last three years of the five has been the house. Yeah. Okay. And the first two was the consumer debt. Yeah. You paid off the house fast then. Yeah. I knew when we were debt free that after listening to your show and wanting to be weird um that we weren't gonna slow down our intensity at any point so um we we were like we want that is you know as bad as we wanted to be debt free and um just start changing our family tree that was something fun we wanted to be able to say.

And along the way, the baby did come. Yeah. Okay. Babies. Yeah. How many? Well, we have an 11-year-old, a 3-year-old, and one due in February. Oh, okay.

Very cool. Yeah. Very cool. So the 11-year-old came... Oh, well, it's my husband's daughter. Yeah, we've got a blended family. Yeah. Oh, okay. it's my husband's daughter. Yeah, we've got a blended family. I married him. And she learned many of it along with us.

She was getting toys as she wanted and needed them. And then that kind of ceased, and we had to kind of explain why. Yeah. And she learned quickly your steps as well. Yeah. The little ones, they don't know what a budget is, but they learn to hate Dave Ramsey. It's like, yeah. Hey, Tony, so put me in year two and a half or three.

You've been doing this. You turn 30. This is this big milestone. How do you not run out of gas? That's a long time. Yeah. You know, Dr. D d that's a great question and honestly that was part of our story is is um i'm gonna eat a piece of humble pie here in front of all your millions of listeners and let

you know that i didn't do it right in the beginning right when when i came to her and said this is a book my wife showed me so much grace and said i'll follow your plan let's just do it but we never really had a why right and and it was about that time that we really sat down and had as chris would say our dream date and we started working together and became equally yoked and and things just went gangbusters from there you know that was the the absolute game changer it was a turning point it was kind of the fuel that we needed at that season that you were alluding to and um yeah you kind of muscled your way through the first part my way through the first part yeah but the second part

you kind of got in a groove yeah and then we found our groove and that's why things just started moving a lot quicker for sure we also put um our animization table up on our fridge and every time you know we got to scratch off many payments and you and we'd rip one page into like a thousand pages and throw it away. And when we made it to that last page, that's an incredible feeling when it says 2020, or 20, I don't even know. I think it was like 2025 or something.

Five years early. Wow. Way to go, you guys. There's not a lot of kids with amortization schedules on their refrigerator, so way to go you guys there's not a lot of kids with uh amortization schedules on their refrigerator so we have to put it over their paintings sometimes but yeah yeah mom where's that thing i made in kindergarten well the m schedule is taking precedence here so what do you tell people the secret to getting out of debt is you You two are highly successful. Well done. Well, we really enjoyed Rachel Cruz's book, and I think as long as you can be content

is what we got mainly out of it. As long as you can be content with what you have. I had to go through my emails and just unsubscribe to all the stores. All our needs are met. We't we don't need multiple multiple things so contentment i'd say um and obviously the budget is a huge one yeah for sure and obviously to reiterate it i would say finding a why a real why that works for both of you so you can go the same direction so what do you you buy? You're 100% debt-free.

You did it. Your house is paid off. What's the first big thing you buy to celebrate? Well, with another baby on the way, we're going to have to upgrade to a van, so Jessie's got her eyes on a minivan. Yeah, going to my van. So we're going to upgrade vehicles a little bit. Way to go.

Okay, cool. So we're shopping for a cash van. Yes. All right. Good for you guys. Well, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Thank you.. Okay, cool. So we're shopping for a cash van. Yes. All right. Good for you guys. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. You're rock stars.

Who were your biggest cheerleaders? I'd have to say our parents were huge. And then a couple at church, Don and Deb Bergman, they lead the financial piece. And really just, I mean, all of our friends, they weren't going to do it or join us, but they encouraged us along the way. Yeah. And now that you've done it, they all kind of go, hmm. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of switched a little bit. Yeah, it's switching a little. They're starting to get a little bit more curious about the program. When you pay off your house, then people get interested. They make that noise, hmm. Yeah. I love it. Well done, you guys.

Woo-hoo! Thank you. So great, guys. Beautiful, beautiful. Okay, so the babies are how old and they're with you let's get them in the shot we've got bailey's 11 and carson's three all right very good way to go bailey good babysitting you did good during that good job good job all right tony jesse carson and bailey indianapolis indiana 221 000 paid off in five years, making $70,000 to $130,000. That's their house and everything, and she's not even 30.

Shut up. Count it down. Let's hear a debt-free scream. Three, two, one. We're debt-free! We're debt-free! Wow. That's so cool There's got to be some science

In the science of transformation May talk about it when we come back in a minute Be thinking about this That you muscle your way through the first part Of transformation Emotionally, spiritually And then it starts to catch a groove I want to hear what you think about that

This is the Dave Ramsey Personality, is my co-host today here on the air. I'm Dave Ramsey. Open phones at co-host today here on the air. I'm Dave Ramsey. Open phones at 888-825-5225. All right, the question I posed before the break, when someone engages in something that is transformative, it's an emotional process. You're transforming the way you handle money.

You're transforming your body. You're going through weight loss or working out or getting ready for a marathon or you are transforming a marriage from a bad situation to a good situation transforming your parenting skills or whatever it always feels like as a lay person that doesn't know what he's talking about, that getting through the first 10% takes more or 20% takes more energy than the rest of the 80%. Like he talked about he had to kind of muscle through it for a little while and then they found their groove. Yep. I had a friend that used to say the hardest run of the day

was from his couch to the front door. If I could just get to the front door, then I can go run my five miles. But it's just getting up and getting out there. There's something about changing behaviors that are wired into us. There's something about changing thought patterns that just are so default and so normed in our life that it's hard to set that dial back. And once you get that thing set back, as he mentioned, once you go from a math problem to a visioning gift, right, once you go from solving a problem to a new way of living towards something, it just changes everything, psychologically speaking. Yeah. If you've been doing something wrong to reset and get your default to not be – because your default is comfortable, but it's wrong.

That's right. And to change your default to the natural go-to is the right thing, that requires just tremendous energy. It does. It's hard. And sometimes you've got to go all the way back and look where you're wired. That's where Rachel's book's coming out. It's talking about where your history is, which is so good, Rachel Cruz. And some folks are just blessed with an ability to say, no more, I'm moving forward.

And I envy those people personally um i know one or two of them that just stop smoking i'm just i'm done with it i'm gonna move on the majority of us have to go find out where those behaviors are from and really get someone to walk alongside us why this thing's a math problem well it turns those automatic behaviors into going towards something yeah why is it that when that happens i'm angry yep why is it what is it that does that what's that what's what's my brain protecting me from what's my heart trying to protect me from why is anger my tool to go to and some people go to curling up in a ball and some people go and go to yelling and just stopping and asking yourself what am i trying to defend myself from? What is this reminding me of?

There you go. And there's got to be something that's real. Because when people say they changed their lives, walking through the stuff we're talking about, all we're doing is talking about money. I mean, we're talking about credit cards and mutual funds. So why is that so life-changing? It's because it's behavior change. It's 80% behavior. It's only 20% math.

And so what you're really having to do is really rewire your dadgum brain and it just it's hard it's real hard and i think those things pop up 10 years later 20 years later you'll see them come up you'll meet somebody you'll get in a situation that somehow there's there's that great book by Bessel van der Kolk called the body keeps the score you'll your body will respond to something 10 years later, 15 years later. That happened to me last night. I ordered an extra apple. We went out with another couple for dinner, Sharon and I, and I got this huge, massive seafood appetizer for the whole table

just because I wanted it. Right. And Sharon's like, what'd you do that for? Right. And her whole body changed. I'm like, you're not broke, woman. We can afford a freaking appetizer. But she's like, you know, there's a Dave's wasting money from 40 years ago thing.

Comes out every once in a while. And it's like, wah! Yeah, yeah. Jumped across the table, stole my raw oysters is what it did. But it's like, oh, man, I can't even enjoy a freaking appetizer. But, yeah, I've watched it physically activating her. So I had a situation a couple of weeks ago that I talked about on this new show where I got to work on time. And if you don't know, working for Dave Ramsey, one of the cornerstones is you will be here on time.

I got here a little bit early because I'm usually rushing around. It was a staff meeting. I walk in the door and my wife calls. And we just have this. We moved staff meeting. I walk in the door, and my wife calls. And we just have this – we move to this new place out in the woods, and she calls and says, please go check in your truck and see if my keys are in there. And my son had gone to get something out of my truck and had left her keys. And my show started filming exactly one hour.

It's 30 minutes there. And I got instantly angry. I'm going to teach that kid. And then I i had to on my walk back to the parking lot i remember having to think why am i why why am i so mad because something happened that i can't control by the time i got home i was laughing i hugged him and said everyone talk about this tonight and i was able to address him in a way that a 10 year old can hear it right if you lose your keys again you have to ride on the tube behind mr dave's boat again again he was completely traumatized he's still he's still traumatized that's right still traumatized that's right you never do that again yeah open phones at 888-825-5225 john our question of the day is from blinds.com

a 100 satisfaction guarantee means even if you mismeasure or you pick the wrong color, they'll remake your window blinds for free. Free shipping, new promos all the time. Always use the magic word, the promo code Ramsey. John? Let's see. Today's question comes from Megan in Florida. She visits DaveRamsey.com to ask, ooh, this is a good one.

I'm 27 and recently reconnected with my father. He and my mother divorced when I was four, and I last saw him when I was nine. He was never in my life due to alcoholism, drug use, and physical abuse. At least that's what I've been told. We connected things to Facebook and have been in contact ever since. He has visited, and we talk on the phone at least weekly. My son's second birthday is coming up in December and I'm not sure if I should

invite my father and his wife since my mom will be there and they have never reconciled. Should I ask my mom how she feels about it first? I'd like for my father to be there since he's been a good grandfather to my son since our reconnection, but I don't want to upset my mom. Wow, that's a loaded

one. That's a good one. So I'm going to give you off the cuff here, and you tell me what you think. I don't know what to do. I think it would be courteous. Now, because there's physical abuse here, I think it would be courteous to ask mom. Or the accusation of it.

Right, the accusation. I think it would be courteous to ask mom, particularly given her safety. But I do think it's wise to have a broader conversation at this point with your mom that's not about birthday parties but more about dad's come around, he's going to be a part of my son's

life, and I'd like to include you both into this thing, which means you're both going to have to have either a reconciliation or be more mature together. And at the end of the day, Megan's going to have to have a either a reconciliation or be more mature together and at the end of the day Megan's going to have to understand that may never happen right and if this is the first time yeah mom and dad are going to reconnect yeah you need to let her know but you need to set her own boundaries at this point going forward right yeah and I'm giving a lot of notice because I don't think the kid's birthday party is the venue for them to reconnect the first time.

It's not. That's not fair. It's not about them. It's about the kid. That's right. And if it becomes a drama show, maybe you have an evening birthday for stepdad and you have a lunch birthday. Yeah, and have the bigger conversation and allow them to go, okay, y'all need to talk about how you're going to talk but off offline right because we're not going to do that at the birthday right and uh but i am going to be talking to him and i also don't want to minimize physical abuse and past abuse that's

those scars are last forever i wasn't mom may have no yeah i know you weren't but i don't want listeners to think yeah they just need to get over it i mean there's some stuff back there that they may need to work through and may never be able to work through, and that's okay. And it may be that we have double birthday parties or we have to alternate or figure that out. That's part of drawing boundaries. Yeah, I mean, I've got grown kids,

and we have to figure out which year this is for Thanksgiving. That's right. Because one year they all go to the other place, and one year they're all at ours, and we try to synchronize if we can, but we're not, you know, whatever. We can eat turkey any time. We can make it the next time. So it's okay. It works out.

But, man, entire families have been torn apart by how she goes to on Thanksgiving. That's right. And much less all this drama mixed into it. So, yeah, a morning or an afternoon, evening is a great arrangement for this particular year and then give them time to let you know let your mom know a he's there b give that let that i would challenge the two of them to connect offline that's right and just go okay we're never going to like each other we're never going to agree but we're in the same room for the sake of the two-year-old and our daughter uh we're going to be civil i love it um Or we're not going to be in the same room together and we refuse to be.

And just let you know what's going to be. That's right. That is what it is. And then you could still have connectivity with both, but just not at the same time. That's right. And that may very well likely be there if there's physical abuse. I think so. I think so.

Puts us out of the Dave Ramsey Show in the books. Dr. John Deloney, my co-host today here on The Dave Ramsey Show. Dave here. We just launched a brand new survey survey and we'd love your feedback. You'll be entered to win a $100 Amazon gift card. No purchase necessary. Take the survey at DaveRamsey.com slash survey or text survey to 33789.