The Ramsey Show - App - How Can I Be Generous to Family Without Enabling? (Hour 3)

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

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🎵 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, this is the Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your money, your life, your relationships, your work, your mental health, anything and everything. Give us a shout, 888-825-5225. I'm John Deloney, joined by good friend and bestselling author Ken Coleman. your work, your mental health, anything and everything, give us a shout, 888-825-5225. I'm John Deloney, joined by good friend and bestselling author Ken Coleman. We are taking your calls on work and life and money.

We're here for you, 888-825-5225. Let's go to Matt in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Hey, Matt, what's going on? How's it going, guys? Good. How are you, brother? Oh, doing good so far, I think so. Thanks for having me on of course thanks for calling i had i've been searching through your guys episodes previous and past and i can't find the answer to a question that i have um i'm almost done with baby step two

um in march i'll be 100 debt free except for the fact that I rent still. At what point in time do I look at buying a house? What step is that? That's a great question. So let's back up a little bit. How much money do you make? So I currently make $67,000 a year. $67,000. What do you do, man? Recruiter for the National Guard. Very cool. Are you in the National Guard yourself? Yeah. Active? Very cool, man. Thanks for your service, brother. Yeah, y'all have had

the last couple of years, haven't you? Yeah, it's been interesting. Yeah, it sure has. Well, thanks for your service. So, you're finishing up Baby Step 2. You're going to be

completely debt-free in a few months. And tell me about a house. Do you want to buy a house? Do you like where you live? Or are you just thinking, I should be doing this thing? No, I just know that with my budget that I have,

because I use the EveryDollar app, I could be saving a lot of money by paying towards a mortgage instead of rent. I pay $700 a month in rent when that could be going to something that's not going to someone else's pocket. But I don't know what step that is that I need to do that. Gotcha.

How long is it going to take you to get the Baby Step 3, three to six months expenses, fully funded? Do you have any idea? With my current budget, it'll take around 60 days after I get done with Baby Step 2. Nice. Excellent. So here's what I want you to think about, a couple of things. Number one, I want to acknowledge and I feel it paying rent feels like when you're paying

rent that 700 bucks and you can go down the street and find a $1,100 mortgage. It feels like you're wasting, you know, almost half or more than half your payment, right? As a homeowner who just this past month had to replace an air conditioning system and I had to do some other work on the house and I've got to replace the hot water heater. What I'm telling you, what feels like it on the surface actually isn't in the short term. So I want you to be completely debt free. I want you to have a fully funded emergency fund. And then I want you to have saved up 10 to 20 percent just to get into the house. And they're going to for you especially, they're going to have all kinds of veterans programs. They're going to get into the house and they're gonna for you especially they're

gonna have all kinds of veterans programs they're gonna get you in for no money down and all it's not a good deal because you end up getting into a house and you're immediately upside down in it until you can pay off enough to get some equity in it that you would even be able to get out and pay the realtor fees to move so you're looking at a couple of years from now unless you start getting some unless you start getting some unless you get a side hustle or two and start just hammering it to save some money but you're completely debt free you got an emergency fund like buying a new air conditioner it was not fun but it wasn't catastrophic yeah it was super annoying i got an emergency fund we paid for it

it's annoying i'm gonna have to save the money back up in the emergency fund, but I'm going on with my life. So Matt, the answer is we call it Baby Step 3B. Over time, we've developed in Baby Step 3, 3B, which means after you get the fully funded emergency fund, then you move into saving for the house. That's what John is telling you. I'm just curious, how much house are you looking to buy? So around here I can get a house for $120,000. I mean, I'm a single guy. I don't have any kids. I can get a house, a two-bedroom for $110,000. All right.

So we want you to get at least the 20%, right? We want you to do a 15-year mortgage. So that's your target there. Do you understand what I'm saying? Absolutely. Yeah, so that's what Baby Step 3B mortgage. So that's your target there. Do you understand what I'm saying? Absolutely. Yeah, so that's what Baby Step 3B is going to look like for you there. And then if you hit the gas on this thing, you're going to look up, and it's going to be two years from now. You'll have really hustled.

You're going to get some cash, and you're going to save it up. And you might decide, hey, I'm going to move. I want to live in another community. I've got a significant other now that does not want a two-bedroom house. So your things change a little bit. Matt, how old are you, brother? You know what I'm saying? How old are you?

31. 31. Okay. So you've been at this for a while, so you're getting there, and I get that. Ken, you and Stacey all rented when you first moved to Nashville, right? We rented for two years with three kids. And we knew we were going to be here, but we realized that with three kids moving back into middle Tennessee,

we wanted to go, all right, let's take our time and figure out the best place because this is our long-term play. And frankly, we didn't have the down payment that we wanted because we took care of some other things, and it was the best thing we could do because it took the pressure off. And I think it's a shift for Matt and other people to go, wait a second, I'm not throwing money out the door and wasting it. I'm not burning it every month.

I would switch the mindset to what is it buying me? What is renting buying me? To your point, he could be pretty quickly, in 60 days or so, he's going to be debt-free and then working on an emergency fund, maybe fully funded. And he could go right into baby step four and invest if he wanted to. And if he's serious about getting married then wait to decide you know on that double income or what does she want to your point but if he feels he's going to be single a while and he really wants to be a homeowner then we gave him that

approach too but i just think the mindset has to be what does renting do for me oh so what if we thought about rent not as just throwing money out the window i've heard that before but what if we thought about rent not as just throwing money out the window? I've heard that before. But what if we looked at rent as I'm buying freedom every month? I'm freedom from bills, from catastrophe. You know what it brought for Stacey and I? Peace of mind. That's exactly right. To figure out what's the right school system, best neighborhood, location to rent solutions. Who's the roofer?

I don't care. That's the landowner's job, right? Yeah. I got to tell you, it was very peaceful. Yeah. We did the same thing and there is definitely some peace in making sure i'm buying the right house i can afford to get in it and i don't want to blow by that either the house down payment is so important because

if you if you put no money down on a house or just three percent down to get out of the house you pay six percent in realtor fees right That's right. So you instantly lose money walking right out the door. So at least give yourself the opportunity to get out of your house if you have to. If you lose your job or you have to move, whatever that's going on, save up that 10 to 20% and go into a house, as Rachel

says, it's a blessing, not a curse. You know what's awesome? Stacy and I, we were debt free when we moved here, but we had our house in Atlanta. We paid that off. It was nice to be truly no home payment, no house payment. Rent was rent. It was like, hey, we're not going to be here forever, but it's a great place for us to land right now. It was so peaceful, so strategic, so smart. And it allowed us the time to make a big, gigantic decision like buying a house.

Right. And maybe that's my problem. I tend to look at it like you. I don't look at it like I'm wasting my life because I've got other plans and other ideas that can come down the road. But it's more about what can I do right? What's the best decision right now? And renting just has this bad taste in people's mouth.

I just don't have. I don't have. I don't have it either. You're about two years away, Brother Matt. and then you can buy your two-bedroom house or save up a little bit more and buy yourself a more long-term place to stay. We'll be right back on The Ramsey Show. you've got a lot on your plate a job your home your marriage and your growing family while you're enjoying the present you can't help but think about your future and your finances. As you explore your options, consider Christian Healthcare Ministries, or CHM, for your health care. Their generous maternity program and budget

friendly monthly programs have been a blessing to members welcoming children into their families. Visit chministries.org slash budget to see if it's right for you. Christian Healthcare Ministries is a Ramsey Trusted Provider. This is the Ramsey Show, 888-825-5225. I'm John Deloney, joined here by my good friend Ken Coleman. We're taking your calls on money, on life, on relationships, on everything. 888-825-5225. How would you feel if you knew you could retire with dignity, leave an inheritance for your family? It would be freeing, right?

The truth is you can have that kind of life. You can build wealth, even become a millionaire, but it starts with having the right habits. It starts by deciding here and now that you're ready for real life change. This year, take control of your money and start building lasting wealth with the best year ever bundle. In this bundle, you will get access to Financial Peace University and the premium version of EveryDollar. Two resources to help you take back control of your biggest wealth building tool, your income. Then you'll use the copy of Dave's brand new book, Baby Steps Millionaires, to learn the right way to invest and get to a million dollar net worth.

Look, what you do right now is impacting the kind of life you'll have later. The good news is you get to decide what that life looks like. If you want to forever change your family tree and forever change your life, get the best year ever bundle by visiting ramsaysolutions.com slash best. That's ramsaysolutions.com slash best. Let's go to Jason in Nashville, Tennessee. Hey, Jason, right down the street. What's up, man? Hey, Tennessee. Hey, Jason, right down the street. What's up, man? Hey, good afternoon, gentlemen. Thank you for taking my call. You got it. What's up? Hey, so my question for you. So my wife and I are going to be in baby step seven here in the

next 12 to 18 months. Congratulations. Yes, thank you. We really appreciate all the work that y'all do. It's fantastic and life-changing stuff. So we want to practice that insane generosity. So my question is, how do we become insanely generous with family and friends without hurting the relationship? Good question. Give me an example of what you're thinking about. Well, we have family who, you know, are not doing as well as us that we want to be able to help. And and but we also don't want to enable that behavior and we also you know we don't want them to struggle either you know because we love them they're close to us so it's like how do we be that example without being an enabler so

you want to be an example and you don't want to enable what does that have to do with giving money away it really doesn't um and that's really, you know, like I said, I know there's been situations where we've heard callers say, hey, you know, I started giving money to somebody and then that person started treating me differently or, you know, it became different at holidays. You know, the dynamic of the relationship changed, which I mean, I'm sure it's inevitable. I'm just curious, you know, are there any tips that we could approach that in a way that maintains that respect without being overbearing or being, you know, insulting in that situation? Have you ever met somebody who discovered a keto diet for the first time? A few, yes. You ever met somebody who is a diehard vegan?

Yeah. I was going to say to the death, but actually to the opposite, like vegan to the plant. Whenever somebody starts changing the way they eat and it feels good, their body feels good, and whether that's physiological or they convince themselves of that, what do they always want to do?

Tell people about them. Yes. And I honor that. If you've stumbled on something, if my friend Ken Coleman stumbles on something that makes his life better, I hope he will love me enough to tell me about it. Oh, I interrupt him.

I do this all the time. And if he comes at me with a bag of lettuce and celery and tries to shove it down my throat, or if he melts butter in his coffee and pours it all over me, I'm going to get pissed. Right? Wow.

Very descriptive. So the difference here is you can model for your family life change. You can walk alongside them. You cannot make them live differently by forcing stuff on them. When it comes to money and family, I believe if you find somebody and they are in dire straits, they are struggling, you can hop in here,

they're struggling, they're dying, I think it's okay to take somebody out to breakfast and say, are you doing okay? How can I love you better? If you come at them and say, hey, I know you're broke, here's 5,000 bucks, that's going to change the relationship. If you sit down and say, hey, I love you.

How can I help? Because they may need to help. They may need some budgeting tips and they may need a thousand dollars because they're about to get their lights and water cut off. Down the road, being intentional about I'm going to help folks. I'm going to have relationships with folks that they feel comfortable and safe asking me for support and care. I'm not going to run around and try to shove my things down people's throat. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. Jason, I think you're thinking of a family member, a very specific one or two. Is that true? That's correct. All right. And so I want to guard your privacy here. Let's be more specific. So you're thinking of a specific family member and what were you thinking of doing for them? You called us, you already had an idea in your mind and we've kind

of been talking around this thing generally. I want to get really detailed on this. So what were you thinking of doing for them? I mean, some home repairs, they have some situations where, you know, if the house isn't fixed, it's going to cause a lot more problems with a much bigger financial liability. All right, so what would be the out-of-pocket to take care of those problems that would stay some major issues? It would that would stay some major issues. It would really help avoid some major issues. How much money would it cost you to help with those repairs? Probably $5,000 to $8,000.

Okay. And what were you worried about happening? Play this out in your mind. You give them the $5,000 to $8,000 for the repairs, and you're worried that it was going to enable them to keep doing stuff? Or do you feel like they're going to be beholden to you? Let's name this. I think it's more that it's not going to encourage them to improve themselves.

And I think that's what worries me. Yeah, they got some destructive behaviors and all you're going to do is save them a bunch of money, but it's really not going to change things. Correct. Yeah, the reason I'm digging into that, John, very specifically is because I wanted to know what's really going on here. And I think if you've got some family members that are doing some things that are destructive, and that $5,000 to $8,000 while saving them a lot of money, is it going to do a whole

lot? I think that's why you called. $1,000 while saving them a lot of money, is it going to do a whole lot? I think that's why you called. You're questioning, is this like spitting into the wind? Is that what you're really wrestling with? Yes, and I mean, I don't want to hurt the relationship. I want to still be, you know, I want to love this person. I want to be an example for them, and I don't want to create any barriers by being that financial support system.

All right, so let's dive into that. You know who you're talking about. What do you think the chances are if you were to walk in and go, hey, I noticed all this stuff's going on with the house. If it doesn't get fixed, it's probably going to turn into this, and I've got some cash because of the way I've been living, and I'd like to pay for the repairs. What are you worried about happening specifically? That I only hear from them when something else breaks. Then I think, and given this, John, I'm willing to be wrong. Yeah. I think this is a check that you need to honor.

I think sometimes fear is lying to us, and sometimes fear is protecting us. And I think this is a fear going, don't touch the burner, because if you do, it burns your hand. I think you're worried about getting burned, and I think that it is protecting us. And I think this is a fear going, don't touch the burner because if you do, it burns your hand. I think you're worried about getting burned. And I think that it's protecting you. I think I'd listen to it. Love them a different way. No, I think you're right. The one stipulation here, so here's where I personally get involved in a situation like this.

If we're dealing with adults, I'm going to love my friends, my family, my community members who are making different life choices than me. I'm going to love them, but I'm not going to participate. If they come to me for support and care and help, then that's a different story. But I'm not just going to jump in to try to play savior. The times I will get involved is when there are little children involved. Are there kids involved in an unsafe home here, Jason? No, that's not the case. Okay, good.

So I think I agree with Ken, man. I think this, at best, this starts with a lunch and, hey, how's everything going? Not a text exchange, but, hey, I'd love to take you all to lunch, just check in, see how things are going, and start there. And if they won't have a conversation with you, if they can't be honest about things that are going on. I heard recently somebody of means say, if a family member asks for money, I don't borrow, I don't loan it. I give it to them. And then I say, this is it. This is the time. Like this is your shot. Right? And so however you handle that is fine. I want to flip the conversation around though. If somebody is really struggling and they come to you for help and you help them, you have not inherently screwed up that relationship. Yeah. If you go chasing to solve everybody's problems around you with your

big fancy money, yeah, you're causing the problem. But if somebody comes to you for help and says, Hey, I'm in it, I'm in a hole and I need some, some support here, man. The relationship may be altered, but that one's not on you. 888-825-5225. This is the Ramsey Show. Let's go out to Doug in Denver, Colorado. Hey, Doug, what's going on? Hey, what's going on, gentlemen? How are you? Good.

How are you? Excellent. What's up? How can we help? Hey, so my main question is for Ken. I'm trying to ask him what professional advice he has for a 28-year-old male who doesn't exactly know what he wants to do right now. Yeah, well, we just have to dive in and see if that statement is 100% factually correct.

I just got to believe, Doug, you called today because you have some ideas and you want some validation of the ideas. Do you have any ideas? You ever wondered about what would I do if I knew I couldn't fail or something you know you've always wanted to do, but you're not quite sure how to get there? What's really going on? Well, right now I'm going to school for computer science with a specialization in IT. I like that idea because I can work from home by myself if I chose to. It does get kind of boring, though. And I guess if I had to choose a dream

job right now, it would be teaching jiu-jitsu because I'm really good at it and doing it right now. Okay, so wait a second. How much is a full-time successful, whether you own your own studio, which is an option, that's an entrepreneurial play for sure, or you're working for an established

studio, how much can a full-time jiu-jitsu instructor make? It's okay if you don't know. You don't know. Yeah, exactly. So are you part-time right now? Is that what you're doing? Or do you just compete for yourself? What's the

deal? No, I do it for five days a week for an uh somebody who owns their own studio no who do you do it for uh i train under my instructor he's a brown belt right but i mean is he paying you who's paying you to do this no he's he's saying he it's a hobby okay i misunderstood all right I'm trying to figure out this is what you would like to do. That would be the dream job. So you've got to talk to your instructor and go, hey, what's the path look like? How much money does he make?

Go talk to some people who run some jiu-jitsu studios. Hey, this is what we make. This is what our rent is. Get a real snapshot of what it looks like. You can't kind of have a dream. You got to have a dream. And I feel like it's kind of this fun idea for you because you love it so much. But if you actually look into it and see that there's a path forward and it's possible, would you, if I told you you could make good money and provide in the jiu-jitsu lane, right? Would you choose that over technology right now?

Yes, sir. Absolutely. So I want you to actually figure out what does a career look like? What are the multiple options? I can work for somebody else as a high-level trainer, or I can work for myself. You got to do your homework. And here's the good news. You are already in that world.

You have all the relationships you need to get those answers, true or false. True. All right, now here's the other option. If you like a form of technology work, then figure out, okay, what kind of technology work would I enjoy? And it wouldn't be boring, and I could work from home, but it would also allow me the stability of a really great salary with some promotional opportunities while I build the jiu-jitsu career.

So I want you to consider both and, depending on the answers you get on what it's going to take to get qualified and get connected and get started and move up in the jiu-jitsu world. So this is the simple path forward. Make sense? Yes, sir. Yeah. Well, well appreciate the call when we don't know what the future could be we stay stuck john it's like well i kind of would like you know i mean dream job could be jiu-jitsu well we got to go from could be that's curiosity

we got to really dive in and then when we find out everything there is to know about what a career looks like in the jiu-jitsu world, multiple lanes, I'm sure, then it goes from could be to should be. Then it goes from should be to must be as we explore and see what is it going to take. Because you might go, all right, well, I could make X amount of money, but if I want to have a wife and kids, that's not going to pay for things. So that's why a technology career as a stable day job could be the path first, and then we develop the jiu-jitsu, and he keeps training, he gets his certification, he kind of gets in, and then over time, he builds that side hustle up, and one day, he steps off the dock from technology into that.

He owns his own studio and he's cash and he's not in debt for a studio that that's the path that i'm trying to help him see but you can only see that when you dive in and ask the questions what does it take to do this full time so what do you tell somebody i find myself i found myself in a similar situation i was working at a university got a a good job, it was stable, and then I would go spend two, three, sometimes four hours in the jujitsu studio myself. Yeah.

And there was a group of guys, and we worked hard, a group of men and women. We worked hard, we trained hard, we got after each other, and there's kickboxing, so we were fighting a lot, and I loved it. And then I started thinking,

okay, what would it be like to, man, this would be kind of cool. And then I realized couple things one i'm not that good two it's kind of old three this is gonna more of a hobby yep than it is a job and really what i was taking away is i thought i really love jujitsu i really love mma what i really loved i did love the competition make no mistake i love the camaraderie yes I love the community those those guys and gals became my gang yeah right we hung out we went to concerts so how do you help somebody tease apart whether I need to go for this thing full time or it's okay to have a hobby to love shredding your guitar being a chef but you got a day job

well a version of what I told him which is he's got to go sit down and it's just the exploration yeah so i call that process that i just walked through clarify and verify okay so when i told him talk to your instructor i told him you know everybody you need to know in there to find out what are the paths what are full-time paid paths in jiu-jitsu and if you run a one of them obviously is a professional you're not doing jiu-jitsu all day you're doing paperwork you're a small business owner right you know who has to also either train or hire trainers right so so that's what i was telling him to do you got to go figure out what does it look like what does a day in the life look like how much can you make

how long does it take to make that what are the risks associated with starting the jiu-jitsu business? That's called clarify. And then, John, as we clarify what is involved, how do you get there, risks, rewards, all that, your heart. This is where you and I really come together on a lot of stuff. Your heart verifies. Clarify and verify. So the heart will go, oh, yeah. I love this. heart verifies. Clarify and verify. So the heart will go, oh yeah, I want to train students,

which would be retired folks, elementary school kid who's been bullied. You have a heart for what jujitsu does for the person and you want to instruct that. That's a deep passion. Now, here's the deal. You still have to go, do I want to do that all day, every day? Right. And therein lies the verify. Profession or hobby? Gotcha. Okay.

Profession or participation? Gotcha. There's a big difference, and I'm glad you pointed it out. So clarify, verify. I think, John, that when the brain does its part, the logical gathering of information, then the heart steps in and does its part and says, yeah, I want to do this all the time. Or, thought I did. I thought I did until I realized, oh, this is 70% ordering and marketing and cleaning

mats. I just really love jiu-jitsu and I really love being around the gym. That's great, man. It's a great distinction. Do that in the evening. That's how you do it. Let the heart and head work together. Gotcha.

Very cool. Okay, folks, brace yourself. Tax season is about here. I know it's probably not your favorite announcement, but look, any day now you're going to start getting your W-2s or 1099s from your employer, and this is not the year to procrastinate on your taxes. There are a couple reasons I say that.

First, a lot happened in 2021 that could affect your taxes. Second, the IRS is struggling. Shocker alert. They're dealing with a worker shortage plus a massive backlog of unprocessed paper returns. And they're adapting to pandemic-related tax changes just like you. So even though it's hard to feel sorry for the IRS, they've got a lot on their plate and we're expecting it'll take them longer to process returns. If you're comfortable filing online, we have an excellent budget-friendly recommendation. It's called Ramsey Smart Tax, and most people save $60 to $120 when they switch from the leading competitor. This is how I do my taxes, at my kitchen table.

On the other hand, if your taxes seem too complicated or the idea of filing taxes by yourself freaks you out, you don't have to do them alone. We have tax professionals across the country who we trust to serve you well and do your taxes right. We can put you in touch with them today. Head over to ramseysolutions.com slash tax to learn more. Go to ramseysolutions.com slash tax. We'll be right back. Thank you. Today's scripture is Isaiah 43, 19. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up. Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

T.S. Eliot says, Only those who will risk too far can possibly find out how far one can go. Outstanding. Let's go to Jessica in Milwaukee. Hey, Jessica, what's going on? Hi, I have a six-year-old son with ADHD, and I'm wondering if it is age appropriate to tell him that he might be kicked out of his school this year. Okay, so let's separate those two things real quick. Those are two separate challenges here.

So what's going on at school? Well, he's also actually high functioning, extremely high functioning autism, but that doesn't seem to be causing a concern at school, but that allowed him to get his own personal aid for school. Now in this upcoming year, the insurance won't be covering that aid. So the school said that if he is disrupted to the point that he needs to be removed to the classroom frequently, that he would not be allowed to return just because they don't have the extra staff to monitor him out in the hallway if he needs to be removed, if he gets wound up.

Is he at a private school or a public school? It is private. Okay. Yeah, we went through the public. We went through an IEP for a little bit there, but they didn't, they deemed that he did not need an aid at all. And so we didn't feel comfortable with that either at that time, because we knew that he needed that extra help. We didn't want him to fall behind.

Okay. So we got kind of stuck. When they, yeah, I know that's a nightmare. When you went through the IEP process, did they provide a psychologist evaluation or do you have to go get them evaluated somewhere and then turn that report in? They did a psychologist, and that was what that psychologist deemed. We didn't like it, so then we got a professional, and they're the ones that deemed that he needed an aide. Okay. So what I would do is circle back with that new report.

It may be worth even going to an aba specialist and getting a nut yet another one an updated um review and an updated evaluation and sitting down right now with your public school because here's the thing telling a six-year-old that here's what's about to happen to you will not compute, especially a non-neurotypical six-year-old. And ADHD is one thing. ADHD plus autism is a whole other situation. So telling him, hey, if you do this, then this is going to happen, and then here's going to be the downstream consequences that may happen months from now is tough for a neurotypical six six-year-old much less one who's got got challenges i want him to work on immediate behaviors are you does he have care uh in the care of a counselor he's got a behavior specialist he's working with yes yes he

has an aba specialist great and and occupational therapist as well. Has he acted out before? It's honestly getting better, in my opinion, but it's still just that fact that this school might be the one to determine. And since he seems so on so often, if he can control it, it would be wonderful if he understood the consequences because he did. But if he's not age appropriate to understand it, that's, you know, another story. But he did go to a preschool where he was kicked out of, and I just don't want him

to go through that pain again because he didn't, I, we didn't tell him why. Um, and we didn't even tell him he was kicked out. just asked why can't i go back to that school and we just you know so we just kind of told him oh lord you're going to try this school this time and so and he didn't like that he was really sad so just if i can avoid it it would be great yeah i i'm gonna speak as broadly as i can because I'm going to want to protect folks in my own life. Yes. But I do not want my kids at a school that does not want them. And for millions and millions and millions of people who are stuck in a local public school, that statement sounds trite and ugly, and I get that.

But I tried a particular private school, and they said, we don't want your kid here. And I then transitioned to a public school, and it has been life-changing. With the support, the care, and the love. Some of it was just developmental. Some of it was we were in the middle of a move. Some of it was all kinds of stuff.

But I'm not going to pay the extra money to have somebody tell me that we are unable to help your kid with the needs they have. We're unable to support your child with the learning challenges that they have. Get out. Then I'm going to go. 100%. I want to say yes and amen to that. That's absolutely right, John. You hear what I'm saying? So, Jessica, this alters, as a parent, it alters your picture of what you thought was going to be – what your kid's trajectory was going to look like.

And you've got to grieve that because it stinks. And I want my kid with people who are going to walk alongside them and love them and honor them, whatever challenges they're working through, whatever exceptionalities they're working through. Yep. challenges they're working through, whatever exceptionalities they're working through. So I want you to take another eval, and I know those are expensive and they're a pain in the butt and you've got to get on an eight-month wait list. I'd love for you to take that eval to a public school now before you're backed into a

corner and you've got two weeks to make a decision here and there and it just gets overwhelming. I'd love for you to sit down and say, what are our options in the upcoming school year? And then you've got months to prepare. If you're going to transition schools, you've got months to prepare your youngster for it and bring them all along as part of that process.

It's going to be hard and nobody likes changing schools, especially young kids, but I'd much rather him in a school that wants him there than somebody who's already preemptively kicking him out. Right. And I know that stinks. I know that's hard. I know that's hard, hard, hard. When it comes to telling a six-year-old, hey, if you do this, there's going to be consequences. Of course you do that. Of course I tell, I got a six-year-old right now. I tell her if this behavior happens, you're opting into this consequence. I do that on a regular basis. Every day I do that. But when it comes to somebody who is struggling with neurological challenges

that are just going to be non-neurotypical, man, you've got to be careful about those downstream effects because what it feels like is disconnection. And one of the demons of, you know this better than anybody, I'm telling the general population of ADHD and of autism and that nexus where they cross is a body that is screaming for somebody to see me. Somebody connect with me.

And I don't have the social skills or the tools or the chaos control to reach out and connect. And that type of rejection just pours gasoline on that fire. And I know you know that and my heart's breaking for you because I know what it's like to love a kid and to say,

I've just walked with too many parents, I love this kid, and I'm struggling with where they fit. Yeah, I couldn't agree more, John. I mean, the private school, let's just call it what it is. They've just straight up fired a warning shot. And I'm not trying to bash them. I'm not saying they're not good people. You know our story. I'm going to protect my family as well.

We have been in schools before where it was very obvious that they didn't want to help, couldn't help, and you just have to deal with it. You have to do what's best for your kid. I think the warning shot's there. You've got to prepare. I think you gave her some practical advice and do what's best for him. Jessica, how does that sit with you? It sounds good.

I think it's just that it's not that the school doesn't want to. They love him to death. So I do want to make that fine line. It's not like they're like, oh, well, he's too much. It's more so that they're actually concerned, like, I don't think we have the resources. And they were, like, well, he's too much. It's more so that they're like, they're actually concerned. Like, I don't think we have the resources. And they were like crying when they told me that. So I was like, okay, like it.

So that's the only thing, but because they love him to death and they are bending over backwards for him. But yes, if they don't have the resources, then, you know, I think that that's a really smart idea though, because I don't, I don't want to be rushed. Like last time we were blindsided last time where, you know, but think that that's a really smart idea, though, because I don't want to be rushed like last time. We were blindsided last time. You know, but now we have at least months to prepare. I think that's a really good route. And also, I guess my other question is, I mean, I know that you guys, you know, this is Ramsey, religious-based.

The reason why we did private school mainly for him was sometimes he doesn't necessarily know the difference between reality and fantasy and what is actually true. So, yeah, you're going to have to find a school resource there. And if he's struggling with reality and fantasy, then, yeah, he's going to have to have some support aids. A hundred percent. No question about that.

Thank you so much for your call. As we wrap up today's show, I want to thank James Childs and Kelly Daniels for running another great show. My good friend, Ken Coleman, and you, America. We'll be right back on The Ramsey Show. Hey, it's Kelly, associate producer and phone screener for The Ramsey Show.

If you would like to do your debt-free scream live on the show, make sure you visit theramseyshow.com and register. We would love for you to come to Nashville and tell Dave your story.