The Ramsey Show - App - How Do I Find Joy When I Have PTSD and Depression? (Hour 3)

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

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🎵 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from their dollar car rental studio, this is the Dave Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money. I'm John Deloney, and I'm here with my good friend and co-host, Mr. Chris Hogan, and we are taking your calls about life, relationships, your money, anything and everything.

It's all fair game, Chris. That's exactly right. We are excited to talk to you. Pick up the phone and call us at 888-825-5225. Again, that's 888-825-5225. We would love to hear from you. John and I are not scared to take your question. I'm not scared.

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But call us. We're ready to talk about it. Not scared. Remember those? Those are high school football t-shirts man remember the no fear shirts right that's right you had some of those didn't well it's back in the day yeah you did you still have you're older than me all right let's go to miller in athens georgia miller how are we doing brother i'm doing well john how about yourself

man we are blessed and doing well how can we help today well first let me preface um i saw you guys on the smart this uh latest smart conference um and john it you were just speaking directly to me um my my love and need and craving of carbs um the six acres of land that i have to mow every other week at a boy um it just it just felt like you were talking straight to me. And I want to start this off. This is going to get kind of heavy. So I want to start it off on a positive note. I listened to your show and of course, I just heard your last call. You're talking about positivity, shout outs, all that good stuff. So I want to start off by just giving a shout out to my wife. She's been with me for, we just had our nine year

anniversary and our first year of marriage. We knew each other for three months and we got married and then I deployed about five months later. And I was gone for 10 months to a year. And she stuck with me and she's been with me ever since and she's my rock and my my hard place and without her god only knows where i would be so just positive shout out um she she is the best thing that's ever happened to me um and and yeah so i'll i'll go see her first miller thanks thanks for doing that and thanks for giving her a nod. Being married to a veteran is hard. Being married with somebody for a decade now after only knowing them for three months is hard. Yeah.

Being married to anybody is hard, right, much less somebody who's deployed. So she is one of the unspoken, silent, behind-the-curtain heroes. While folks are off fighting, there's folks at home yeah holding the fort down so she sounds like she's a stud and and what a blessing man thanks for sharing that with all of us and bella thank you for your service my friend absolutely it was my honor chris thank you yes sir yes sir all right brother so how can we help let's get into it all right so um i have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and one of the biggest, I guess, symptoms of my mental illness is irritability.

Okay. But one of the biggest things that baffles me, and I've seen multiple counselors, I've seen a psychiatrist, I'm on 50 milligrams of Zoloft that I take daily. So I've seen multiple counselors. I've been through cognitive behavioral therapy. Heck, John, I've been hypnotized. They put you through the car wash, huh? Oh, yeah.

So I've been through it. And I still get my depressive episodes. Those don't seem to go away. They hurt my physicality. But my main question for you, because one of the things that I hear you tell a lot of people is just to find your joy. What's your joy? Where's your joy? And that's my struggle.

I have an amazing wife who I just spoke about. We have four amazing kids. We're a little Brady bunch. I have a 12-year-old daughter, an 11-year-old stepson, a three-year-old who runs the house, and a one-year-old who is just absolutely full of life. And we have a great house. I have a great job. We make good money. We're in baby step two. We're using that great money to pay off all the debt. We're doing great.

We're getting real gazelle with it. Doing great stuff. But with all of that being said, I can't find joy. It just feels like things are forced when I'm laughing, when I'm smiling, when I'm playing with my kids, when I'm in any type of social interaction with family or otherwise, it just feels forced. And it actually is exhausting to the fact that when I'm done forcing my joy, my fun, I just want to fall down and just give up. It's just painful, and I'm so tired of it.

The medication helps. I was a little wary about medication at first because I grew up with a parent that has substance abuse issues, so I wasn't sure about getting on to it just in case. I also had the same issues. But I'm on it now and it helps with the episodes but but the lack of joy i just i don't think there's a pill on the planet that can help with that you know what that's the wisest thing i've heard in months brother miller you are exactly where you need to be first and foremost man you just set a model example of what

vulnerability looks like if somebody be an open and honest. And if you were driving a truck right now, if you were working, if you're a mom cleaning up, if you're a mom who's a CFO and you are finishing up your reports and you've got these headphones in, I hope you hear what Miller just did. Miller, you just gave us what vulnerability looks like and so let's unpack it a little bit when when did you first have your first depressive or anxious anxiety episode was it after you got back from combat or before it was after okay so you never experienced this stuff growing up so apparently i repressed some stuff that didn't come out until after, actually about two years after my deployment. We were actually very celebratory saying that I was able to go into combat and fight and eat some scary stuff around me,

and I came back unscathed and unchanged, and then two years later that was different. There you go. So you do have some childhood traumas you've had to work through um yeah okay um i mean like i said i had i had a a mother who was who was struggled with substance abuse and was kind of not there i had a father who passed away at an early age um so an older brother that kind of raised me gotcha okay so when you grow up in the house of an addict and you grow up in the house of trauma, your father passed away at a young age. When this call is over and the show becomes a podcast, I want you to go back and listen to how your voice changed. about your childhood, the soldier came out, and you were dismissive, and you passed it off as, yeah, you know, I had some – my mom was an addict, and my dad passed away, and so I was raised by my brother.

So I'm going to hold you over the break because we're going to dig into this, but I want to start there. Okay? Okay. There's a little boy, a little Miller, who's probably 6, 7, or 8, who's been duct taping and stitching this guy together for the last 15, 20, 30 years. And that little boy is who's exhausted. That little boy needs to go run and play.

And hang on, we get back. We're going to dig in. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. Has your family grown larger over the years? Ours has too. Christian Healthcare Ministries is now helping over 425,000 members bear each other's health cost burdens. CHM offers budget friendly options to suit a variety of needs, from the ability to choose your own medical professional to a portable program that moves with you throughout life. We even offer a generous

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This is the Dave Ramsey Show. I'm John Deloney here with my co-host and good friend Chris Hogan. We're talking to Miller from Athens, Georgia. Miller's a veteran, an awesome guy, been married to a wonderful woman for a decade. He's got four beautiful kids. He's been diagnosed with the car wash, we call it, the PTSD, the anxiety, the depression. He's tried every therapy under the sun. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

And he said something that resonated with me. He's tired of forcing fun. He's got all the external metrics in the world that say he's successful. And he's just exhausted. Is that about right miller oh let me bring it back there we go is that about right miller oh sorry about that yeah absolutely 100 all right brother so as we left i wanted to start back when you were a kid you're a kid you had a parent who was an addict. Doesn't mean they didn't love you. Doesn't mean they didn't do the best they could to wrap their arms around a stable home for you, but you grew up in the home of an addict.

And you also lost a parent at a young age, and your older brother stepped up and helped raise you. And what I told you is there's a little boy in there that's been disconnected for a long, long time. And that exhaustion we talk about is often existential, and it weighs on us. And that little boy needs to go run and play. And at some point, I want you to reach out to that kid, and Chris will talk you through this in a little bit, and let that little boy off the hook. But I want to talk about where you are right now. Okay.

What do you think joy feels like and looks like? Paint me a picture of that. Joy is being with my kids and my wife and laughing, playing a board game, something where everybody is laughing and telling jokes and trying to just get in on it, dancing to my three-year-old's music and just laughing until our sides hurt and walking away from it and feeling uplifted, feeling light, feeling, you know, tears of joy instead of tears of pain or tears of just sheer exhaustion. And just not being a disciplinarian because my stepson said something or my three-year-old is going crazy, so I've got to put the foot down as the parent or whatever. Just loving life. So when you paint me that picture, it sounds a lot more like happy than it does joy.

And here, real quick, I'll walk through it. When my granddad passed away, he was a veteran, 93 years old. They were playing taps at his funeral. Everybody was teared up and it was a beautiful moment. And my little boy snuck away from us. He got out of our grasp as little boys do. And he climbed up on my granddad's casket and he put a rose up there because he'd seen us all do that. That wasn't a happy moment. That was a heartbreaking moment. But it was a joyful moment because it's the way things were supposed to be. It was the transference of four generations. My son is the last Deloney. It was just a beautiful moment. It wasn't happy, but it was joyful. And one of the great curses is that we've been sold this bill of goods that life is supposed to be fireworks

and cotton candy all the time. And the reality is that a lot of times life is boring. Playing with your kids is super fun but it's also exhausting and it's boring. And you've got four of them 12 and under. Right? And

you saw some stuff overseas that most people aren't supposed to see. Is that fair? Yeah, a lot of stuff. There you go. And I wouldn't compare what I've seen doing crisis work to anything you saw, but I know this. I often bragged about the blessing I thought I had because I could see stuff

and just go home and go to bed. I just went to sleep. It didn't bother me. And then I picked up a book by Bessel van der Kolk called The Body Keeps the Score. And I realized, I thought I was handling stuff, but I wasn't. Because my body was registering every one of those traumas. And so what you've painted for me in a short moment here, Miller, is a lifetime of your body scanning the environment, trying to keep you safe, trying to figure out someplace where you belong. And this has been since you were a little boy.

And the only way to shut off anxiety, the only way to fill that gap in depression, with depression, is other people. And all PTSD is when your body sounds the alarms because it remembers what happened, right, and it brings to the present what happened in the past. That's what PTSD is. And then it starts anticipating the future, and it sets off all those alarms again. The only true cure for that is other people,

and that starts with you letting that little boy off the hook. Yeah. You know, Miller, one of the things that I did, because a coach without a coach is a terrible coach. And so I work with coaches and counselors and therapists all around. And I'll never forget, I had one that had me write a letter to the younger me. And it was essentially talking about kind of the way life is now, the things that I'm experiencing. But I also did the reverse. And I wrote from a seven-year-old Hogan to now the 49-year-old Hogan. And it was eye-opening.

It was eye-opening to find out the motivation, the chip on my shoulder, the things that were driving me, that were causing me to feel like I was having to perform all the time instead of just exist. And so I want to encourage you to try that and step into it. But I wrote, as you were talking, I wrote, find your worth, find your friends, and locate your fun. And I say that in as far as you understanding your value as a dad and as a husband, but you also need to find some friends. Do you have good friends around you where you can go get real with?

Not really. I have my wife's family who we live by and they welcome me in with open arms and they are absolutely fantastic and great and amazing and I love them. I was meant to be a part of their family.

In-laws are different. Miller, in-laws are different. Yeah, that's family. You can be raw and vulnerable. No, no. I'm talking about you need to find men around your age where you can get real with. And it doesn't necessarily need to be all veterans, but where you can just go, I think you need some adventure, brother.

And don't get me wrong, raising kids can be an adventure, but I'm talking about something for you as that challenge, as that fun, for you to have that outlet, whether it's hunting, whether it's hanging out, playing cards. You need time to be a dude. You are a man's man. And you need that opportunity. Because what will happen is, and I've been there, where you're not having fun. You just work or you're a parent. What happens is you become flat in areas in your social world.

And so I want to encourage you to reach out. As I told you, find your worth because happiness is external. It's fleeting. But joy is internal. And I want you to connect with that. And so I think some other men around you will help you find that, my friend. You gave us a bunch of achievements, a bunch of ribbons, some accomplishments, a bunch of achievements, a bunch of ribbons, some accomplishments, a bunch of externals.

And I want you to take this from this call, Miller, there is no external plug to an internal hole. Okay? So your healing on this is going to come from the inside out. I don't want you to give up on a counselor. I think that's still a wise move for you. I still think having a professional walk alongside you, they don't have to be at the VA if you can afford them,

but somebody who will sit with you and give you trauma-focused therapy to begin to let that little boy go. You can bring your wife with you, relational therapy, and begin to slowly grow and heal. And if you find somebody that you don't connect with, walk out the door. Yeah. Because the most important part of a counseling relationship is the relationship. Right?

And at the end of the day, I want you to not give up on the pursuit of joy. It's worth your effort. It's worth one more step. It's worth one more step. it's worth one more step. And my brother, you've done all the right things externally, and now the real hard work begins on the inside, where you're going to turn around, get with somebody who knows what they're talking about with PTSD. And, hey, just so everybody knows, there are some rapid advancements with depression and with PTSD

with all kinds of new studies coming out all kinds of new support and I'm not a big advocate for drugs some extraordinary drugs coming out there's some neat stuff out there so there is help on the horizon it just takes a group of people that are going to hold your arms up in the desert and help you get up when you stumble

point you in the right direction and keep walking alongside you Miller thank you for being vulnerable, brother. Thank you for reaching out and talking. You have no idea the ripple effect you're going to cause coming on the show and talking about this. You just gave other permission to people to tap into it so they can walk their journey to healing as well. I'm proud of you, my friend. Thank you. Blinds.com's 100% satisfaction guarantee means even if you mismeasure or pick the wrong color, which Chris Hogan is want to do, they'll remake your blinds for free.

You get free samples, free shipping, and with the new promos they run every month, you'll save even more. Use promo code RAMSY to get the best deal. Rules and restrictions apply. Today's question comes from Dylan in Arizona. Hogan, here we go. My fi... Not my finance. My fiancé.

Come on. My fiancé and I are 24 years old. I'm on baby step four, and she is on baby step two with about $28,000 in debt. We're getting married in April. We have plenty of cash to cover the wedding, and I'll even have cash, roughly $7,000 to throw on the debt after the wedding. Should I continue investing 15% until the wedding, at which point I'd pause so we can pay down our debt,

or should I pause investing now and pile up more cash to throw at the debt after the wedding? Okay, Dylan. Well, listen, love your mindset, and with you being on Baby Step 4, you are investing, and you've got money for the wedding, so that's a good thing. But here's the deal. As soon as you all get married and you say, I do, and she says, I do,

which means now you all have done, right, you're together. And so that means together you now would be back into Baby Step 2. So you would pause the investing at that point in time until you attack the rest of that debt, and then you guys would move on, and you already have the emergency fund in place for you, but now you're the rest of that debt. And then you guys would move on and you already have the emergency fund in place for you, but now you're looking at the new expenses. And so once you attack debt, do you need to beef up the emergency fund, right? To be three to six months of expenses. And then you can go back to investing after that debt is paid off. So great job to you. And you're dead on being aware of exactly the process and the flow. And I want to do this. I want you guys to make sure you get plugged into Ramsey Plus and you're dead on being aware of exactly the process and the flow and i want to

do this i want you guys to make sure you get plugged into ramsey plus and you're going through financial peace university together right that way it sounds like you guys are in sync with that that's awesome but i want you to get in sync as you begin your everyday millionaire journey all right speaking of in sync which is chris hogan's favorite band of all time let's go to daniel in detroit michigan Daniel, how are we doing? Good. How are you guys? Outstanding, brother. How can we help? Okay, so first of all, I just want to thank you guys for the work that you do.

It's amazing that you help so many people, and I just want to express my gratitude and my appreciation for that. Man, I'm really grateful for that, brother. How can we help, man? Okay, so my question is, I just received a phone call today, and it was from an individual who was saying he's on his way to my address to drop off a summons, I'm assuming a court summons, in regards to an unpaid loan. Daniel, hang up the phone and run.

Hang up the phone and run. I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. So, unfortunately, I did the exact opposite of that, and I called. So I called, and basically the total amount, the initial amount for the loan was $10,050. The new amount is up to $16,000, they said. They told me that they would settle for $1,200, but I would have to pay it today by 4 p.m., they told me. So I've already blown past that time.

However, I'm just seeking advice. I don't know, like, they're claiming to me that I took the loan out with a false bank account, which obviously is not true, and they're claiming that they're going to press charges if I don't pay the amount that they are requiring me to pay, which is $1,200. So basically I'm just seeking advice on what I should do, how I should go about it. I mean, obviously I don't want this to have to actually go to court.

Right. That's why I'm calling today. Did you take out the loan for $10,050? So I did take out the loan. I'm sorry. It's not $10,000. I apologize. It's much substantially less. it's not $10,000? I apologize. It's much substantially less.

It's only $1,050. Yes, I did take out the loan, but it was not with a fake bank account. Okay. So it was $1,000 you borrowed. Was this from a payday lender or a finance company? So it was actually from an auto body shop. I needed work done on my car. I had no money at the time.

I was desperate. Okay. Um, so it was all in store there at the auto place. They approved the loan right there. Okay. And so did you ever make payments on this thing or did you just ignore it from the beginning? I ignored it from the beginning. Okay.

All right. Okay. So now what's happened is, is yeah is they've turned it over to collections. Now you're being contacted about it. How much money do you have in your bank account? So I have $1,000. I believe I would be able to scrape off some more if need be. And right now they're saying the initial balance was $1,600.

What they're looking for is 1200 to settle the debt. So I didn't know if I should just go ahead and pay that 1200 or what? Yeah. Well, with the collections, here's the deal. If they don't put it in writing, I don't consider it as real. Nope. Uh, so I would, number one, I'd reach back out to them. I'd ask them to put that in writing, which can get, and you let them know, Hey, this

is something that I can have by X amount date. And you want to be realistic in the timeframe in which you can get this money together. Now, remember, you've still got to take care of your necessities, your rent, your mortgage, your food, all those things. You want to be realistic. But now it's time to engage in this, meaning you're going to be an adult. You're going to talk with them. But they need to put it in writing, and they need to be able to either email it to you or mail it to you to see that they're willing to accept this dollar amount as settlement in full, payment in full.

If they won't put it in writing, it's not real. Once you get that in writing from them, I want you to go to the bank, get a certified check, a cashier's check from the bank in that amount. I want you to make a copy of the check, a copy of the letter, and you're going to put that in a file you're going to keep at home. Then I want you to FedEx this to them. So with delivery, with confirmation of delivery, which means someone's going to have to sign for this. So you're going to get the cashier's check. They're going to put it in writing. You're going to get a cashier's check. You're going to make a copy of both. You'll send them

the check. You're going to get certified that the person that signed for it in the time that it was delivered. And then you're going to put that all in a file. In 30 days, I want you to contact and pull your credit and find out and make sure that this debt is listed as settled or paid in full. And that's the process for you to go through. So the next time you speak to them, keep a communication log. Who you spoke with, date, time, and what was discussed. First step is them putting it in writing. If they didn't, it's not real.

Chris, my understanding is collection companies buy that debt for pennies on the dollar. Yes. And so he took out a loan for $1,050. And they come at him saying, it could be $1,600. We're going to settle for $1,20050. And they come at him saying, it could be $1,600. We're going to settle for $1,200 right now. Right. Can he turn around and say, I've got $700 in my account.

Send me an email. He sure can. And so they're assuming, they're leaning on the fact that he's scared. They got him. They think he's nervous right now. That's right. And he needs to keep his integrity,

but also stay calm. Stay calm. And not sell himself down the river, right? No, no, no. If he can't pay his bills, he's going to find himself in the back. He's got a problem. So that's why you heard me say he's got to make sure he can take care of his four walls, right? You've got to take care of your food.

You've got to take care of your housing. You've got to take care of your clothes on your back and your transportation. And so they might settle. But, again, if they don't put it in writing, it's not real. And so, Daniel, just call them back calmly. Here's the deal. These are people that will sue a whole bunch of people. It's rare that you hear of a $1,000 debt being taken to the court, right?

And so this is something you can talk with about. Just keep a level head. Don't take the bait. Do not allow them access to your account. That's why you heard me tell you a cashier's check. Don't pay them by phone. Don't let them have access to your checking account. You go get a cashier's check and send it in, but make a copy of it. And this is just a good reminder for everybody. I know this goes without saying, but if you borrow money from somebody, you can't pretend that it didn't happen. That's right.

It's not ethical. It's not good integrity. Yeah. And it's just not logical. They're going to come want their money back, right? They are. And even if you're dealing with a creditor that you can't afford to pay, you can pay attention. Right.

And so what I mean by that is make phone calls. Talk with them. But keep a communication log. But whatever you do, don't panic and agree to something that you know you can't do just to get off the phone. And that's what people will do. They'll get nervous and they'll say, I just want to get off this call so I'll agree to whatever. No, no, don't do that.

You just create more heartache and headache for yourself. You can hear it in his voice. I got a call. I'm getting sued. They're going to call the cops on me. That's right. But the good thing is he did call them, which I love. And that means he's standing up for himself and let's just again he knows he borrowed the money hey i'm proud of daniel he he called the number where he could get two guys and pay no money for their advice that's

right and now he's got a plan we need to start charging i'm not ready to start charging i'm not that good chris you can start charging i don't know i'll still be free maybe i'll stay free for a while i'll still be free but we're gonna get better all right we're coming back this is the dave ramsey show you Thank you. today's scripture is Romans 14 13 therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. Brian Tracy says, leaders think and talk about the solutions. Followers think and talk about the problems.

That's strong. There's always somebody ready to tell you about a problem, huh? Yep, it really is. And what we have to do is be smart enough to start to find solutions, right? I mean, we know the problems. Let's dig in and find some solutions. And the best way to do that is to get people around you that have some thoughts and some abilities to be able to guide you. Don't do life alone. That's right. All right, let's go to Brianna in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Brianna, what

is going on? Hi, how are you guys? So good. How are you? Great. Thank you so much for having me guys? So good. How are you? Great. Thank you so much for having me. You betcha. How can we help? So my parents have offered to give my fiance and I $10,000 toward our wedding this October.

I'm just a little bit apprehensive about accepting the money due to the relationship with my dad. Uh-oh, what do you mean? What's going on with your dad? Well, I feel like for most of my life, there's kind of been like this conditional love thing that happens where I feel like if I'm like making choices or doing things in a way that he approves of, I like get more of his attention or I am in better communication with him. And then if I do something that like may not be, you know, up to standards or something that he values, then I don't really hear from him for a period of time. So I guess in the situation with the wedding, I guess I'm worried that if I accept this money,

then I'll feel like obligated to have the wedding be the way that he suggests or envisions it versus how my fiance and I would really love to have our wedding. Right. And are your parents still married, Brianna? Yes, they're still married. Okay. Okay. I think it's wise of you that you look at this and you kind of know how you're feeling. I mean, you obviously have, have the past experiences and you know how this is going to go. Um, do you need the money or can you and your fiance do it on your own? Um, we, we've talked about it and I've

discussed with my fiance, like how I feel about this and him and I are both very similar in the sense that we've, you know, worked for everything that we've had. We haven't taken money from anyone. So it's something that we could use the money, but we can make it work still with maybe just like a more scaled back wedding. So I feel like that's kind of more what I'm leaning toward. Yeah, I like that. I like the fact that you guys are together. That's first and foremost the most important thing and that you guys have said you know what we can do it our way and we can go cheaper with it but guess

what you all are the shot callers you're the ones that's making the decisions and too often times john in situations like this you'll get parents that are trying to have their party or their wedding of their dreams all up in somebody else's business and they think they have the right because they gave some money. And they want to tell their friends about how the wedding looked, and they want to have insight onto the music and to the scope of the party. All the things. Brianna, walk me through what the conversation will be like when you call your dad and say, hey, thanks for the offer.

We're going to do this on our own. He sounds like, and I don't want to talk bad about any of his parents, but I'm going to. He sounds like he's immature. And he throws temper tantrums using relationships as collateral. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. So you call him and say, Dad, hey, thank you so much for your offer.

Me and Honey Buns are going to do this on our own. And we've been saving up, and we have a very specific vision for this wedding so we want you to keep your money thank you so so much and we love you and we look forward to you coming to the party which is going to be about a year from now what's he going to respond with um i i guess i feel like he would be kind of like dismissive and maybe just like not talk to me for a while. Wow. That's usually how that goes. Yeah. So here's a great gift you can give yourself early on in what's about to be a lifetime with somebody else.

It sounds like you're already down the road, but the fact that you – this is a $10,000 one, right? So this is a $10,000 call, right uh he's calling your bluff your dad doesn't get a vote he is cashed in his his wisdom and his vote because he uses his relationship as a weapon and i want you to begin it's gonna it's gonna be a. It's going to be a grieving process because there's a part of us that wants our dads to always be there for us and always show up. And we have all these, the music swells and the end of the movie comes and it doesn't always work out that way. And so if you can learn now at this point, he's in that game, he put a lot of money on

the table. If you can learn to say no thank you my husband and i are in this together we're co-creating a vision together and we have a picture for what this relationship is going to look like and it doesn't include your money i'm telling you right now that strength that you are going to gather from drawing that boundary it's going to come at a cost because your dad's going to hit up against that boundary to see how firm it holds but you start building those boundaries now and you are setting a foundation for your marriage and for the kids you're going to have and for the jobs you're going to have and where y'all

are going to live that will be almost impenetrable by the outside people and you and your husband will have a lifetime trajectory together you really will and not that you need to go into the history of explaining why you're not taking the money. You know, you don't need to go revisit all the past stuff with him. It's just me, my fiance and I have decided that, hey, we're going to go about it this way. Thank you for the offer, but we're going to make this happen ourselves. And I think that statement enough as a gracious denial of that and let the chips fall where they may. That's right. Me and my husband, me and my fiance are choosing to do this on our own.

And if you're going to have him walk you down the aisle, throw that in there. But I can't wait until you walk me down and give me away. I can't wait for that moment. And you know his temper tantrum is coming. It's not a surprise to you. Then you can, as the great Jay-Z says, brush your shoulders off and go about your day with this awesome fiancé of yours. All right, let's go to Mark in Dallas, Texas.

Mark, what is up, my man? Hello, how are you all? Very, very good. She told me to keep it short, so I'm just going to help. Just kidding. Go for it, man. So, basically, we don't have much debt at in time actually I mean at my age I should have paid off but still working on it but what we're down to and then

our home obviously we do have a special needs daughter that you know is a concern that we have enough say for her when we're no longer around sure so just I guess to prioritize everything my wife currently is furloughed. She's a flight attendant, so she's furloughed. During COVID, I had to take a pay cut, but now back to 100%. Very cool. Just working through all that. So just, I guess, just prioritizing.

I mean, I just started the money makeover book through the first couple of chapters. But that's where we're at. Yeah, I'm proud of you. I'm not on board with this yet, but I'm working on it. Okay. Well, I'll tell you a couple of things as you're trying to prioritize your situation. First and foremost, you speaking from the heart to your wife about why you want to engage in this mission. And I think when you talk about your special needs daughter,

my heart goes out to you as a father to a special needs son, that number one, you all first and foremost want to provide for her and make sure she's got a firm foundation. That should be motivation enough. And you guys connecting at the heart, being intentional and working through this, I want to gift you Ramsey Plus as a gift from us and an opportunity for you all to go through Financial Peace University together. But as far as priorities, you're going to get on a budget.

You're going to get intentional. You guys are going to stop investing, and you're going to attack this $10,000 in student loan debt. Get it out of your life. Then you're going to build up a fully funded emergency fund of three to six months of expenses. You're going to go back to investing. And then as you're investing, you guys can look at setting up a special needs trust for your daughter and being really intentional about that and then walking through and finally building wealth and attacking and paying off that house first, then building wealth.

So that's kind of the list, my friend. But you've got your why living with you, with a special needs daughter. And so just connect with your wife, get on the same page in this mission and vision, and you guys work this plan. And, Mark, your very first statement was, I've got this little $10,000 loan that I should have paid off. No more should-haves. No more wish-haves.

We're moving forward. We're going to the future now. We're going to. Don't carry those past bricks. That's right. We're going to. We're going to. To the future.

You're going to be successful. Hang on the line, kelly will get your information and send you a year's subscription to ramsey plus on us i want to thank producer james childs and associate producer kelly daniel all the crew in the engineering box back there i want to thank you my good friend chris hogan absolutely buddy it was fun thank you for having me on yes sir thank you to america thank y all for listening, and we'll see you next time on The Dave Ramsey Show. This is James Childs, producer of The Dave Ramsey Show. On your smart speaker, you can add our skill by saying, Alexa, open the Ramsey Network skill. From there, you can listen to all our shows. Ask Dave money questions like, how do I invest my money? Or what is the debt snowball?

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