The Ramsey Show - App - How Do I Get Over My Fear of Being Used Financially? (Hour 2)

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

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🎵 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is the Dave Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life, your work, your relationships, and your money. Sitting in for Dave, I am Dr. John Deloney, joined here with my good friend and colleague, Ken Coleman, the host of the world-famous Ken Coleman Show. How are you doing, good man? If I was any better, I think I'd have to check around the corner. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds good.

Yeah, I'd be a little nervous is what I'm saying. Ah, I see what you're saying. Things are good. Things are good. And you know, my general position on that question is, you know what, it's fine. But if it wasn't, you wouldn't want to hear it anyway. Nobody really wants an answer to that. How you doing, Ken?

Terrible. I've got a boil in the middle of my back. Gross. Like, really? No. We don't want to hear that. Just lie to me. Yeah.

That's right. Which begs the question, should we ask a different question? Yeah, we are not good. You don't really want, you're Mr. Relationship Guru, we don't really want someone to tell us how they're doing. See, my problem is I kind of do. On your show you do, but not when you're walking into church. Hey, how you doing? Well, let me tell you.

Terrible. That's right. So maybe we can just say, hope you're doing well, man. It's good to see you. That's the response. Hey, good to see you, Herb. It's good to see you. That's the response. Hey, good to see you, Herb. It's good to see you, Ken. I don't know why I said

Herb. You know what? I will answer about anything. No, I knew you're not Herb. I'm saying it was like a general... No, I like a Herb. I like a good Herb. You like that? I do. I like it. We have a Herb here. We do have a Herb. He's a smart guy here. He really is. Well, we're taking your calls

on life and relationships money purpose work all of it anything that's going on in your heart and mind give us a call 888-825-5225 that's 888-825-5225 let's go to cynthia in rochester new york cynthia good afternoon how are we, good. Thanks for taking my call. You bet. Thanks for calling in. How can we help? So a little bit of background story, right? The phrase of question. I'm 32. I graduated college in 2010. And I recently decided to take a break from my six-year relationship with my boyfriend because it was kind of getting to the point of get married or don't. I come with a significant amount of savings and assets, and it's kind of always been the elephant in the room in our relationship, and I just want

to learn how to get over the fear and the, I guess, insecurity that I have of not being used or taken advantage of because of my assets, even though our salaries are pretty similar, like the take-home pay every month. But it's just like, I own my own condo and I have investments and 10 years worth of retirement funds. So it's just helping me, you know, come to terms with that and, like, letting it be okay and knowing that I'm protecting myself. So what about this person after six years? Are you still questioning? Like the way you posed that, Cynthia, was, man, here we are six years later, and he wants to get married.

And the way you said that, it sounded like three months, not six years. Right. And you also said, I'm really worried about being taken advantage of. Is he giving you any reason to feel like you couldn't trust him? Yes and no. We're supposed to talk in two days and I just want to come prepared and I want to come with thoughtful answers and

questions and like every relationship, we had ups and downs and pressures from parents and his parents were always open arms. They really loved me and my parents were more taken to stand still. Of course, look what he's getting. How direct can I be with you? Very.

This relationship will never work if you think you're superior to him. Especially if you think you're superior to him because of assets, because of things you have in your bank account. I think one of the great cultural curses of the modern world is that we have distilled down the question, what are you worth to a financial number? And we look at, we say, hey, what are you worth, man? That's a number. The answer to the question, what are you worth, is never a number.

And so if you're sitting across a table at a nice restaurant, if you're sitting on the couch next to somebody you have known and loved and walked alongside the ups and downs of six years and you think, I'm still better than you.

I still have more money than you. Then honey, don't do this to him. Don't. If you were going to enter this I still have more money than you, then honey, don't do this to him. Don't. No. If you were going to enter this relationship and say, we are all in and we're going to co-create a future together. I'm bringing this. He's bringing that. We're going to create this together.

Awesome. Yeah. Cynthia, I asked you earlier if he had done something to make you feel like you could not trust him. You said yes and no. I mean, you don't have to bear all the details here, but you've got to address the yes part. Whatever he has done that has made you lose trust in him has got to be addressed between the two of you. And if not just between the two, you're also with a counselor. Right, John?

What is it? You can't leave that. Well, I think it's coming from mom and dad, but what has he done that makes you not trust him? There was an episode where he flipped with drugs. So that was a big red flag for me. So that's not an asset thing. That's a, hey, I'm... That's a P.O.

I don't want to be married to someone who... Right. And I think I was using the money as an excuse, honestly. There we go. Yeah, what does that mean? He's a sweetheart, you know. You know, money, you can marry a homeless man down the street. It shouldn't matter if he treats you well and he makes you feel at peace and calm. There you go, Cynthia.

Okay. You know, on top of financial security, I wasn't getting that emotional security. There you go, Cynthia. Okay. You know, on top of financial security, I wasn't getting that emotional security. There you go. So can I be direct with you again? Cynthia, can I be direct again? Sure. You've got permission to walk away. Yeah.

You're worth somebody who's going to love you and somebody that's going to share values with you and that's going to keep you safe and keep you connected and treat you like you're a valuable, special, extraordinary human being regardless of your finances. And so you have permission to walk away and you're going to feel like I put six years into

this thing. You're 32 now. You think back to what when you were 26 and you just met and you were in love and this guy's funny and cool and all that 32 now you think back to what when you were 26 you just met and you were in love and this guy's funny and cool and all that and now you look up and you're 32 you're not married you're making your way and you want to be connected and you are now coming to the honest truth that this isn't the guy you've got permission to walk away cynthia you just gave yourself the truth i think you called us for and that was you said i was using the money stuff as an excuse the reality is he wasn't giving you the emotional security that you long for that you deserve think you called us for and that was you said i was using the money stuff as an excuse the reality

is he wasn't giving you the emotional security that you long for that you deserve and also this drug thing wasn't an episode either we don't need to break that down but there's a lot of trust issues here um and i i i uh yeah you don't need to feel guilty at all you you need to feel cherished. You need to feel wanted, challenged. This is a partnership. Marriage is no joke. You guys can have a talk, but I would have walk-away power. He needs to know

that you mean business. And that's not financial related. It's not judgment related. It's, I'm worth this. That's right. Good for you, Cynthia. I know that's a hard conversation after six years go into it boldly humbly be honest you

don't need excuses tell the truth you deserve to be loved this is the Dave Ramsey show In an uncertain world, being a good steward of your money is more important than ever. While some circumstances can't be controlled, there are items within your budget you can take charge of, such as your health care costs. For nearly 40 years, Christian Health Care Ministries, or CHM, has provided a budget-friendly means of sharing for medical bills when our members need it. Learn more by visiting

chministries.org slash budget. That's chministries.org slash budget. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. I'm John Deloney, joined by my good friend and Ramsey personality, Ken Coleman. We're taking your calls on life and work and relationships and money, everything. Anything that's going on in your heart and mind, give us a shout. 888-825-5225. That's 888-825-5225. Let's go to Michael in Woodbridge, Virginia. Michael, what's going on, brother?

How can we help? Hey, Ken, how you doing? I'm living the dream. How can we help? Yeah. Oh, I'm living the dream, too. Oh, that's good. Well, hey, I want to thank you and everybody on Dave Ramsey's team for what you guys teach

and the stuff you guys offer. You guys do a great job of that. I'm a huge fan. I am working through the baby steps. I have baby step one all done. We're on baby step two. We're almost to the halfway point of baby step two. Good.

And we're just chucking away debt. Good. almost to the halfway point of baby step two, and we're just chucking away debt. I just had a life situation come up that's kind of a big change for me. I've been living with my parents for quite some time now, and this past December I ended up getting an apartment from somebody that I go to church with. And the only issue that I've just been having is I've already signed the lease. I've made the security deposit on it, but I've only paid like a small portion of the rent and I haven't been able to pay anymore because I haven't been able to live. And my mom and dad think it's a waste of money if I just pay rent and I'm not living in the place.

So just kind of wanted to get your guys' guidance as to am I being ripped off or should I just be patient and have them make sure everything's ready for the apartment. There's a lot here. Kind of back up a second. I want to start with you said I've paid some of the security deposit, some of the rent, but I haven't paid any more because I haven't been able to live. I got stuck there. What does that mean? What's your financial situation right now? So my financial situation is there's one other bill that I'm adding on to my budget, which is a rent and where I'll be renting is

it includes everything in utilities except internet. I've already got a separate payment for that, but I've already paid the security deposit. I've already signed a rental agreement for the lease, but I haven't been able to fully move in yet. Why? Because there was something with the water line that was going on that they didn't expect to have happen, and so they're trying to fix that and everything. If you sign the lease for a place to live

and they're not giving you a place to live, they're in breach of the lease. Yeah. And so either they find you a new place or they're in breach of the lease. Yeah. And so either they find you a new place, or they let you out of the lease, or they reduce the amount that you owe them on this lease. Yeah. But it's super, super simple. Yeah.

And you walk straight into the office and say, I need a place to live on the agreed date at the agreed price, and you said this place, there's a water issue, so where am I going to live? Yeah, you need to know what this water line, you don't even know what it is. That would freak me out. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean you got a water line problem? I'm going to need like a four-page report with a PowerPoint presentation. I just think you call them and go, hey, let's, I think John gave you great advice.

If that's what you're asking, I mean, I would not move fully into this thing right now. Right. Yeah. And that's what I'm trying to do is, like, be patient with them, trying to get this fixed out, and then trying to work something out with the rent. I just want to make sure, just get your guys' advice to make sure I'm not getting ripped off or not. Well, if you've given them a security deposit for a place that they said you were going to live in on a certain date and a place isn't ready, then yes, you're getting ripped off. Now, be a person of respect and dignity.

Don't be a jerk and walk in and not saying that you will, but it's easy to get self-righteous and indignant in these kind of moments. People are usually doing the best they can with the tools they got. Do this in person. Tell somebody you want to meet with them and say, hey, look, we signed this lease. And I was ready to move. And I know, like you said, you're a friend from church. You're helping me out. But I need to know if we're going to move or not.

And I need to get my deposit back if we're not going to be moving because I've got to find a place to live ASAP. And hopefully they'll find another apartment for you. Or they'll let you know. They'll have the 17-page report due that Ken needs. to live ASAP. And hopefully they'll find another apartment for you or they'll let you know, like they'll have the 17 page report due that Ken needs for the water issue and then they'll get you squared away. But don't avoid a conversation. Don't get your heart rate up if you've never talked to the person and just go straight

in and solve this problem directly. Yeah, I think there's a time to be patient. I think now's the time to be persistent. Then once we get all the answers then we can be patient but i don't have enough details right now for me to be patient yeah yeah yeah especially if i've already put my money on the line there right all right let's go to jessica in cincinnati ohio jessica what's going on hi thanks so much for having me um i have kind of a complicated question and, like, life direction question, and I think you guys can help me with.

All right, bring it on. So I'm a nurse by trade. I've been a nurse about 17 years, and about four years ago, I decided to go optional and be a stay-at-home mom. And, of course, with the pandemic, there's been opportunity for me to kind of, like, contractually contractually like get back in and be at the bedside again. And I'm making really awesome money, which is such a huge blessing because my husband and I have been like Dave-esque for a while. So we're really, we got a bigger shovel to get out of our debt. So, and actually

today we're paying off our second car. Hey, that's awesome. Yeah, it feels so good. So the thing about it is I can still continue on for who knows how long, right, in this bedside nursing where we're making lots of money because of the pandemic, which is awesome, but it's actually not really my passion anymore. I have a totally different direction that I've been kind of like side hustling in the culinary world. And I love that. So I don't know, I'm trying to get a little bit keep that big shovel um i i'm just not really sure i'm praying about it and i just i really just need some some direction as well as all right you ready here we go this is a you said this was a complicated question and and it's really not. Super not.

I got two simple answers. You ready? I want you to write this down because this is so simple. I'm ready. I have pen and paper. I'm ready. The answer is yes and yes. You keep and stay with the bedside nursing because of the huge shovel that it is providing for you.

You add all that to this aggressive get debt-free plan that you and your hubs are on, right? You just keep crushing it. Momentum. You've already started this culinary pursuit on the side anyway. So it's not like you don't have the time. You can do it. Keep doing the culinary thing. Keep testing it.

Keep getting better at it. Scale it a little bit. Or if you have to just hold steady and then when you get that emergency fund paid off you know and then i think that's when you go all right let's reassess do i now walk away from nursing but i think this is a really easy decision because i think it takes the pressure off of the dream. Oh, wow. Okay. Think about this.

You are pursuing this dream, this culinary side hustle, and you're doing it in a non-pressure-filled environment. You're not relying on it to pay off debt. You're not relying on it to pay the bills. It's gravy right now. Am I right? Yes, absolutely. So here's the deal. Fun.

It's a lot of fun. Oh, that's the word. That's the magic. Here's why. Here's why. Oh, that's the word. That's the magic. Here's why. Oh, this is so exciting. Listen, most entrepreneurs start a business and they put all their eggs in the basket and it creates all kinds of stress. It makes them lose their patience. And right now you're in a place where you can persist and be patient.

And you've got a great day job and you and the hubs are rocking, you're paying off debt, you're seeing the dream and you're going to get to a point in the very near future where this day job is going to actually possibly fund an expansion of the dream job. So I think you will be the one to determine when you leave the bedside nursing. But right now, do both. You already have been. Yes and yes. I wish that I had some wisdom on top of that, but I think that's awesome.

Well, you know, John, sometimes I just really nail it. And that was that time. That was just about as good of an answer as she could have possibly hoped for. You were the guy that dropped off somebody you were dating, and as you were about to drive off, you rolled the window down and said, that was an amazing date. We all need to acknowledge that was an amazing date. And I love that about you, Ken Coleman.

This is The Dave Ramsey Show. Thank you. Blinds.com's 100% satisfaction guarantee means even if you mismeasure or pick the wrong color, they'll remake your blinds for free. You get free samples, free shipping, and with the new promos they run every month, you'll save even more. Use promo code RAMSEY to get the best deal. Rules and restrictions apply. John, today's question comes from Daniel in California. He writes, I've worked at my current job for almost five years since the end of my second year.

My manager has been teasing me with a promotion by saying, promotion pending on my annual reviews. I sent him an email late last year asking what I needed to do before I would be eligible for a promotion, and all he said was, I would be eligible January 2021. January is come and gone and still no word. What is the best and most respectful way to go about asking for a promotion? Well, normally, John, what I would tell folks is don't ask for a promotion, don't ask for a pay raise, ask for a growth plan where you sit down with your leader and you say hey i want more yep and i know more means

i want to get better i want to be more valuable to the organization so uh what are some areas that you you see that i could improve what are some additional skills or training that you think that if i got that makes me uh a better a little bit more valuable in the current role or ready for others. And then what does a growth plan look like in the organization? If we measure my work, do we have a key results area like we do at Ramsey Solutions where we all have a one-page diagram? This is a win for John Delaney. This is a win for Ken Coleman. This is what I need to do.

This is what I'm expected to do, and here's the results. We need to create that with a leader. That's the growth plan. And when we do that, it becomes a very natural progression into, if I grow my responsibility and my influence, then my income comes with that. So I want to grow professionally, and I want to grow financially. It doesn't put the leader on a defensive tilt, as when you go in and say, I want to talk about a raise.

But based on this question, folks, this has already been talked about. This guy's been writing promotion pending. I kind of don't like that. I don't either. That irritates me. That's a punt, man. That's Switzerland, dude.

You've got to make a call. Well, it's also kind of a mean little carrot to dangle out in front of somebody. Just because we're adults doesn't mean we aren't still that little kid that says, do I matter? Right. Do you see me? That's what workers long to know.

That's what we all long to know. So in this situation, because he said January 2021 and no word, I'm having a meeting with him, scheduled a meeting. Hey, here's the history of what we've discussed. I want to be here. I want to be more valuable. I want to grow. I want to do all the things. I've got dreams.

And listen, if this isn't where you see that being possible, just let me know. I'm down with it. But we've talked about it. What does that look like for me to be able to get the promotion? Can we put a plan together? Because here's what's happened. When you talk promotion with a leader who isn't ready to deliver on it, it's easy for them to punt. They kick the can down. They'll go, oh, we'll talk about it later. No, no, no, no. There's no talking about it. What we say now is can we sit together, schedule a meeting. Can we do it right now?

If not right now, can we schedule a meeting in the next week to actually put on paper a growth plan that would allow me to not just get promoted but also to begin to make more money? If the answer gets kicked down the road then, then you know what it's time for? Adios, out. There you go. I'm looking somewhere else, and I never give advice to just jump off a cliff. Get something else. The minute you got the contract or you got the signed deal on something else,

then you walk in and say, it's been great. I'm out. So tell me if you hear this on your show a lot, Ken. In the past, I've experienced this. I've been guilty of this. And I've led big teams that have experienced this. A promotion or a raise should be reflective of this journey of work, right? What is your value to this company?

We need you. We want to recognize you. We want to increase your scope here. But we've turned promotion into a destination. And what I see people with their mental health is, if I can just get to be associate director, my life's going to be okay. If I can go from 50 to 57,000,

man, my problems are gone. And it never works that way. And I don't know if you hear this on your show, I love the way you twisted that because you're asking somebody what really is important, which is how do I get more outstanding at this work? How do I help

our downstream customer, which is the only thing that matters here, right? How do I help them even more? And on the way, you're going to get promoted. The money's going to take care of itself because you become such an asset, but the focus is on the work, you're going to get promoted. The money's going to take care of itself because you become such an asset, but the focus is on the work, not this imaginary, not true destination that's supposed to heal you, right?

I'm so glad you said that. So you said destination, and I had a thought. That I'm going to get to in a second. I've got to write it down so I don't forget it. Okay, so I'm a fan of meritocracy. Okay. So is Dave Ramsey. Oh, we're getting political.

Yes! No. See, he thinks that's political. It's not political. All right. Meritocracy just simply means this is merit-based. That's what a workplace should be. Merit-based, meaning I am delivering results, and I am delivering good results, and I'm

continuing to deliver great results. And as I add value to the organization, then they should in return reward me. Well, that's not near as fun as I was thinking. I agree with you. Yep. Okay. So here's my point, though. A lot of people, not only, I thought it was a great point you made that a lot of people think that the promotion is the destination.

Oh, I'm going to be better. I'm going to feel better about myself and all that. We know that's hollow. You're not. However, a lot of people, I'm going to be better. I'm going to feel better about myself and all that. We know that's hollow. You're not. However, a lot of people, I'm going to step on some toes right now, so everybody get ready. And a lot of young people, and this is a function of age, so don't pick on millennials and mosaics here.

You were like this too, you Xers and boomers, so shut up. But we think that a promotion, it's become an expectation. I've been here 18 months. Been here a year. Where's my meeting? Where's the meeting? I've been here a year. That's right.

I've only been late three times. I have not punched a coworker. I have done everything you asked me to do. It's time for a raise. Let me tell you something. No, that's 100%. This is absolutely right. I hear this all the time.

I get these calls from young people. Hey, Ken, listen. I need to ask you a question about asking for a raise. I get this call every week on the Ken Coleman Show. And I say, okay, tell me what's your background. Well, I've been there a year. Oh, okay. Instead of, I'm crushing it. I've developed such a rapport with these customers.

They keep coming back. They want to know how my kids are doing. I want to know how their families are doing. I'm crushing it. I've developed such a rapport with these customers. They keep coming back. They want to know how my kids are doing. I want to know how their families do it. I'm adding value. It's time. I wanted to unpack that other side of it. And John's right. Don't make your promotion this destination.

And also, don't allow it to become an expectation. Here's the point. This is a meritocracy, folks. It just is. Work is a meritocracy. And. It just is. Work is a meritocracy, and sometimes it's a really crappy one. Yep. That's why people leave companies.

They don't leave companies. They leave leaders. Yeah. And if a leader won't recognize an individual, because we all long to be seen. Yes. This is a core human need. Do you see me?

Do you notice me? And we want to add value, not just to the company, but we want to see our work make a difference in the lives of others. That's why I call it meaningful work. That's what we all long for. So in this situation, if you've got to put your leader who may be really kind of not good at this, at Ramsey Solutions, everybody's got that KRI, so we know what is expected of us. We know how we're measuring results against the expectations. Those are two key things that are very different, folks.

And so if leaders don't do that for you, you've got to sit down with them and don't put them on tilt and on defense and go, hey, I've been here about a year. I'd like to talk about a raise. They're not even ready for that. So what do they do? Kick the can down the road. We'll talk about it. And they're going, I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I think that's what's going on in that question. And so you've got to sit down with them and go, hey, I just, I want to be here. I want to grow. Let them see your human side. Because everybody has that same feeling. I want to grow, but I want to add value first. Tell me where I can get better.

I want to get so good at this. Yes. How do I help this customer? How do I help their family? How do I help, like the roofer that is helping? How do I help protect this guy from even better? Talk about how you can grow, value you want to provide, and after you do that, then you can go, and I'd like to measure that. Because what you're saying is, I want to be accountable.

Yep. How are we going to measure me? Because I believe in me, and I believe if we measure me, we're going to see the results. And so I'm saying, when we measure me, what's the compensation tied to the output? But let's start with value. Let's start with excellence. And here's the real genius behind this idea. If you bring your leader in that way, and they're semi-healthy or healthy, they're going to jump on that.

And now they've got input. They feel like it's their idea. Of course. And leaders, if you've got somebody in your organization that is adding value, call them in today and look them in the eye and say, you're adding value. Thank you. We're going to figure out how to help you out too. Don't let that be one-sided.

We're telling the kids to stop with the, hey, I've been here four months. Where's my raise? Leaders across the country got to step up, too, and recognize value. Don't just pull them into your office and tell them. Tell them in front of their co-workers. That's even better. This is The Dave Ramsey Show. I'm John Deloney with my good friend Ken Coleman. We are taking your calls on life and work and money. Give us a shout at 888-825-5225.

Let's go to Adam in Cincinnati. Adam, how are we doing, man? Hey, I'm good. How are you doing, guys? Very, very good. How can we help? So, my wife and I recently finished paying off all of our consumer debt except for a mortgage. And at the end of this month, we're going to have our three months of emergency fund. Very cool, man. Way to go.

Thank you. How's that feel? I thought that's kind of what I'm calling. So I thought at this point I would feel more of a sense of accomplishment, but I almost feel like I've checked one box and I'm on to the next box of trying to pay off the mortgage early. Is that kind of normal? Does it take you some time to kind of re-equilibrate? I don't even know if that's a word.

Re-equilibrate a little bit and just, you know, be able to enjoy the accomplishment that you've had after being that in that gazelle mindset for a while i'm just curious uh john i want john to john tackle that the psychologist here but i'm just curious did you all celebrate in any way uh no we haven't not not not even like a nice dinner to say man we just paid off our debt no we haven't yeah you've adam you gotta kind of been yeah that's kind of been crazy so it's been an up and down describe that for me because i think there's something else here when you say my life's been crazy what else do you mean so like about a year after we started

the process i left teaching and went back to school um at night while also working got me then he got an engineering degree so for like four years i was busting you know 90 hours a week between work and school my life was working 50 to 60 hours a week we had our first kid about two weeks after I started going back to school. And then a couple years ago, I got my promotion once I started my career in engineering. My wife left her job, so we took like a $25,000 pay cut. About three weeks after we moved, we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant with our second child. Then I got a promotion last year, another promotion last year in July.

My wife started working part-time again, so we're back to making almost $100,000 a year. And it's just been, life's just been crazy. Yeah, it's been a high-speed roller coaster. We haven't really taken time to focus on ourselves. We've just been trying to, you know, keep our head, you know, above water and just trying to make sure we had a... All right, Adam, you just said it, brother. I've got to ask a question on behalf of Adam. So Adam, you've given us...

I've got to ask John. Is he in a situation... I don't know what you call this, but is he in a situation where he's been biting the stick so long, his jaw's locked, and he doesn't know how to just let off that stick? Well, you can... Here's the thing. You can be in survival mode for so long

that you start creating new environments for yourself that you've got to survive. That's a better way of saying it. And then you start to get to the end

of that tunnel and then we are going into survival mode and we're going to survive something else, right? And Adam, here's what's going to happen. And you know this,

so I'm just saying it for everybody listening because you're not the only person who's experienced this. You're one of the few people with the courage enough to call it out.

You're going to look up, brother, and you're going to be 35 or 40 and your kids are going to be in their late teens and you're going to have run from one thing to another thing to another thing to another thing. You're going to look across the kitchen table. You're not going to really know your wife. Your kids are going to be staring at their phones. They're not going to want to talk to you and And you're going to realize, I spent all of my life in gazelle intensity, and I missed it. And so here's the thing. You know, you just said it here, and you know what the deal is. The deal is, man, you have had a crazy time the last couple of years. Going back to school, changing life direction, changing purpose.

Your wife is running and gunning. Oh, and you bring a kid in. And so that's just a hurricane blizzard that just hit your house. And then, whoa, surprise, we got another one on the way. We're not sleeping. No sleep. It's all chaos. Here's what I want you to do, Adam.

Will you do me a favor? Yeah. You got a pen? You're an engineer. You don't even need a pen. All right, here we go. Ready? Number one, this weekend you're going to take your wife on a date.

I don't care how much it costs. I don't care if you can't find childcare. Figure it out, okay? Your kids are one and three. They'll be fine. I'm just kidding. Don't do that, right? So you're going to take your wife on a date, and I want her to get dressed up.

I want you to get dressed up. I want you to start the date by opening her car door, and I want you to reimagine refalling in love with your wife starting this weekend. And you're going to date her again, and you're going to start there because that is the most important relationship in your life. And this weekend is going to be about celebrating this extraordinary accomplishment of becoming debt-free except for your mortgage.

You're going to have an awesome time dreaming together about what life will be like when you pay the mortgage off. Yeah, I was going to say that. Start that dream conversation at that nice dinner. That's right. Start that dream. And by the way, buy her something nice. Don't you just iron your shirt, dude, and put on some khakis, whatever dress up is.

Buy her something nice. Do something great. You can afford it, bro. You're the engineer. This isn't going to make sense in any of your dumb little spreadsheets. I'm giving you permission. This weekend, you re-fall in love with your wife intentionally and on purpose. Okay?

And then you're going to talk about how we're taking care of our kids, what's the trajectory of our kids, what kind of house do we want to have. You're going to re-learn how to breathe. And then you're going to write down together what are ways we're going to insert into our lives on a regular thing. We've got to practice this, and they don't tell you this in marriage therapy, and they should. Shame on them. You've got to practice intimacy.

You've got to practice being connected. You've got to practice intimacy. You've got to practice being connected. You've got to practice remaining in love. I tell you what, Ken. Titanic lied to us. The notebook lied to us. Romeo and Juliet lied to us. We just walk into a room and we're like, there she is. I don't have any more work to do.

We're just going to be in love. We're going to have two kids, seven kids, change jobs, get laid off have have a have a pandemic or two have a chaotic election cycle where i don't know you believe that i believe that all that's going to be okay because we see each other and we're in love and that's not how it works and we've been told that there is external solutions to internal holes, right? There is, and it's a lie. It's a lie, and you just gave some beautiful advice.

I'm just going to add that one of the things that irritates me about our world that we live in is this performance-based, because everybody's looking at us. It irritates me when I see these football coaches or basketball coaches that win a national championship and you know, oh the next day the next day we started for next season and I always go, that's just so stupid why don't you go on a freaking cruise and celebrate the fact

that you worked your butt off you fought for everything you had to win and this is what's going on here, Adam works his butt off he and his wife fought and clawed to get debt free. Now they want to pay the house off. Well, great. There's a reason why Dave, by the way, put the pay the house off

at the end of the baby steps. It's six. There's a reason. It's hard. And it takes a while. It does. And so we cannot live all the time in this fight, claw, scratch. It's not who we are. And so when you do what this couple has done, folks, celebrate it.

Now, that doesn't mean you go crazy, but celebrate it. And not just celebrate it with stuff. Celebrate it emotionally. Mark the moment. I love the idea of going to dinner or maybe going to walk and sit there. Maybe sit by a lake. Yep. And just hold hands and throw rocks in there and go, wow, do you remember when we did this?

Remember we ate mac and cheese for seven straight days or whatever. And mark the moment. It's a mile marker. As we've been sprinting for the last two years, here's ten things I've discovered I love about you that you don't even know. Here they are. You know why? Because any man or woman who's ever accomplished anything significant and by the way, when you folks who listen and watch the show, you've gotten debt free or you're close, you've done something

significant. You're doing something significant. It has nothing to do with notoriety and fame and power. I'm saying anything that is a significant accomplishment. You talk to anybody after the fact. There's a euphoric state at first, kind of like, oh my gosh, I can't believe we did it, we did it. You know, it's kind of like, is this really happening?

And then you realize something. You're the same person you were before the accomplishment. There's the letdown, right? Well, it might be. It's not so much a letdown. It might be a neutralizing. It's that, it's like, wait a second, I'm still the same guy. I'll tell a story on that maybe some other time on the show together. But here's the point. It's that when we get there, we realize, wait a second, I'm still the same guy. I'll tell a story on that maybe some other time on the show together.

But here's the point. It's that when we get there, we realize, wait a second, it was about the journey to this moment that made it euphoric. It wasn't about the status that I'm debt free. It's that what I did and who we became on the journey. It's the journey, not the destination. So, Adam, we're proud of you. Good job. You be proud of you.

Yes. Love your wife. Let her love you. Celebrate! Love those two little kids and re-fall in love together this weekend. We're excited for you, brother. This is The Dave Ramsey Show. This is James Childs, producer of The Dave Ramsey Show.

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