The Ramsey Show - App - How Do I Set Boundaries With My Family? (Hour 1)

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

🎵 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, it's The Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create amazing relationships. I am your host, Jade Warshaw. I'm here with one of my favorite guys, Dr. John Deloney. What's up? He's the co-host today. He's here to take all your questions on just overall wellness. I'm here for the money side. He's got you on the relational side. And give us a call.

The number is 888-825-5225. John, I feel like it's a minute since you and I have flown this plane. I know. I miss you, man. You doing okay? I'm doing good. a minute since you and I have flown this plane. I know. I miss you, man. You doing okay? I'm doing good. Let me tell you, we posted that post on social media this morning and it went, it's gone bananas.

Is it spun up? Man. Oh, that was the one about folks taking out just wild town loans for cars. Cars. $2,500 a month payments. Yeah. The equivalent of a house, basically. A nice house yeah my favorite was

you clowning on that whatever somebody posted and they had put prayer hands and you're like that ain't from god no that's not a blessing that is not a blessing so man give us a call we're gonna help you decipher and differentiate between the things that are you know really good with your money and the things that you might need to think twice about. Maybe it's your car payment. Maybe it's a home you're considering buying. We'll help you sort through that so you can give us a call. The call is free. You can call at any time in the next three hours, really, depending on when you're listening. But in the meantime, we've got Michelle who is on the line. She's from Denver, Colorado. What's going on, Michelle? Hi. So a little bit about my situation. I just turned 50

last month. I have been engaged for eight years. My fiance and I, we have a daughter together. She's seven years old. I have two teenagers from my first marriage and my fiance has two adult children. And here's my question. So I'm increasingly becoming a little worried about my future. I don't work. My fiance and I agreed that I should, you know, stay at home with my daughter and my two other kids. They also live with us. He's the primary breadwinner. He owns three houses and they are all in his name. He had one house before we were engaged, but he has since purchased two other homes, neither of which are, I am on the title. I drive a car that's in his name. My phone is in his name. I have absolutely nothing in my name.

And in addition to that, he will not be transparent with me. Like if something were to happen to him, like he won't show me the will. I'm just becoming really insecure, I guess, in my relationship, but in my financial situation as well. And I'm just don't know what to do at this stage. I feel like I'm very in the dark. You are in the stage. You don't want to be... I feel like I'm very in the dark. You are in the dark. You are in the dark. I'm insecure for you.

Me too. Go ahead, John. How can we help? I don't know what you're asking. If you were my sister, I would tell you to pack up everything you have and go get an attorney today. It's been eight years. You're not married yet. You're still engaged?

We are not married. We are.... Colorado is a common law state. Um, but, but it's also, geez, it's a mess. This is an absolute stone mess. Um, I, I w w yeah. How can I help you? What are you looking for? Well, I'm just wondering, I mean, if I were to leave the relationship, basically I'm guessing I am not entitled to anything but perhaps child support. I think, I'm not a legal expert, so I can't give you legal advice, but I think that's wildly inaccurate. I think after a certain time, again again don't hold me to this check with a licensed attorney in your state but I think once after you pass a certain point it be it's there's property that y'all

y'all earned quote-unquote together whether you were putting money in the pot or not because the house doesn't run without you right and so that allowed somebody to go earn some money so but sit with an attorney and work through all that i want to go back to something you just said you said if i were to end this relationship like my friend michelle like your relationship's over y'all can build something new from here and decide you're going to, you're going to do this thing, right. But what you like to allow somebody to take care of a child with as little information as you have as to,

to hang somebody out to dry like this. This is not a relationship. This is not a partnership. This is a really messy, messy power trip is what this is. I agree with you. I feel like there's just so much control. I feel like there's like this hierarchy of power and I feel like I am at the very bottom of that. So I am in complete agreement, which is why I am just so so frustrated which is kind of like the reason for my call yeah but you're frustrated about bigger stuff than this this I mean there's

no way that y'all have a great intimate life there's no way you have a great um y'all y'all are friends that y'all hang out because friends like just I wouldn't do this with my buddy right like my buddy Todd was my college roommate he He knows where my will is, right? He knows the role he plays in my will. And he's just a friend. He's not my wife, right? I mean, this is just common decency. And he won't even give you that.

So y'all have deeper issues here. You gotta bite the bullet and go get an attorney. And if you have a couple of friends in town that you could reach out to that would recommend somebody that would be good and fair and give you honest advice and not rake you over the coals, man, that'd be my next step. And if we were to try to repair our relationship? You're not repairing anything. The car has been totaled.

You would have to build something completely new. Okay. The car has been totaled. You would have to build something completely new. And that begins with you saying, here's what I want, and here's what I need, and here's what I'm worth in terms of a relationship. And somewhere along the way, over the last almost decade, you've decided that your voice doesn't matter almost as much as he does. When did this start? When did you start feeling this way? I've started feeling this way the past few years, but as I turned 50, I have just felt really worthless. Um, just because I don't, I don't, I don't feel like I have anything. And like I said, like, I think for me, when I turned 50, I kind of like hit a corner. I'm like, you know, I don't feel like I have anything. And like I said, like, I think for me, when I turned 50, I kind of like hit a corner. I'm like, you know, I, I don't have, I don't know how long I

have, but I mean, I, if he were to walk away or if something were to happen, I am really fearful that I would, you know, have to start at the very, very beginning. Um, and you know, obviously I need to get a job and I need to get a job and I need to get my life together. But I think your fear is very warranted. Okay, well, I mean, I really appreciate you confirming that. Let me confirm it this way. You're not crazy.

If you were my friend, I would tell you you're crazy for sticking around for eight years because you've allowed this to happen. Right, I have. I mean, it for sticking around for eight years because you've allowed this to happen. Right. I have. I mean, it is on me. That is absolutely for sure. But the beauty of that is once you take ownership of that, next step's on you too.

Okay. Go call an attorney. Well, thank you so much for your... You got it. Oh, yeah. Man, we love you. Call anytime we can help, but call an attorney and get that process going. My goodness.

I'm almost glad that we're going to a break because this is the third time in a very short period today that I've just heard and been on calls where men are tripping. Yeah. And I want to go. I want to go so hard in the paint right now, but I can't. But I just need these guys to get in line and understand that they need to love their families well and they need to do better. This is The Ramsey Show. You're listening to The Ramsey Show.

I'm your host, Jade Warshaw. This is Dr. John Deloney over to my right. If you're listening, he is the other voice that you will be hearing. John, you know, we just had a call before the break and i felt for you know my girl who called in because her dude was just way off to be together for eight years common law marriage i mean under the law that's that's what it is she's got as much entitlement to everything as if they were married but he won't put her name on anything. He won't let her know where the will is. He won't let her be involved in conversations regarding money and the things that

honestly directly affect her life. And I was kind of getting pissed because I just feel like I'm hearing that more and more. I had the privilege of coaching some folks earlier this week, and I keep hearing the same story over and over where couples are so divided with their money. They're so divided with their finances. And maybe I'm old school. Maybe I'm going to get canceled. I don't know. But where I come from, one plus one doesn't equal two.

It equals one. And you got to be on the same page when it comes to these finances. And I'm so tired like i'm gonna just say it if sam warshaw let me put it in terms that i can say if sam warshaw said to me hey don't forget to venmo me you're half of the rent you would never see him again he would be on the moon because i'm like you're half of the rent are you kidding me or don't it's your night to pay for the dinner oh and you can't have access you can't know where the will is and your name can't be on the mortgage are you kidding me that's just that is a man who does not he's not

looking out for the well-being of his family he's looking out for the wellbeing of his family. He's looking out for the wellbeing of number one. And you can't love anybody well when you're putting yourself first and foremost. It's literally gotta be the opposite. It's a man that's so small and lacks so much self-confidence and strength and actual leadership that the only way

he can puff his chest out and feel like he's in the front of the line is by um withholding just controlling it's leadership by i know something you don't know it is power by i know a thing that you don't know so ha ha ha and you just sit down because you don't even know where anything is your name's not even on anything I'm getting burned up just you saying it. I'm just getting burned up. It's so frustrating because there's wives and kids. Yes. These are children.

These are human beings. And at the end of the day, true strength, true leadership, true walk alongside, true service is we're all in this together here's every piece of information here's all the stuff on the table there's no secrets here we go we're gonna do the same together and that means we have to have hard conversations we have to figure stuff out we're gonna disagree yes but that's not cowardice that's right and it's not childishness yeah right i'm taking my truck and going home i'm sick of a generation of grown men who that's that's they think that's their role in the world yeah is uh

this is my house this is my money this is my oh gosh man it's just not a way to live it's not a way to live jade warshaw i live in that way i'll tell you that right now and i just you know i i get it like when we talk about combining finances and i think it's important to say combining finances is rarely a light switch like it's not just like i go home i have one conversation boom we're on the same page i think it is worth noting and affirming that for many couples like this is a journey like this is it's scary it's hard yes but there is that line where there is a clear uh disrespect that's taking place or there's like a clear wow you completely don't value me at all and you're treating me that way or you're very confused as

to what it looks like to value somebody in the relationship and value them in an equal part yeah and i think that's the part that's just guys it burns me up um i would say it just burns me up uh not even an equal part. I have to value more than myself. Yes, that's what I was saying before. I have to value more. Yes. Yeah.

You want to quote unquote lead, then you get on the bottom and you carry the whole thing. Thank you. That's what it is. It's not going first and making sure that your bread's buttered first. Right. That's not how that works. It's the opposite. It's the opposite.

That's it. All right. I'm just saying that. I'm not trying to how that works. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. That's it. All right. I'm just saying that. I'm not trying to get on you. It's because we love you guys. We want to see you win, and you can't win when it's flipped around. Anyway, let's take a call.

I got Mark in Honolulu, Hawaii. What's going on, Mark? Hope we didn't go too hard in the paint before your call. What's going on? It's all good. Oh, my gosh. My heart is pounding.

I'm earning extra Fitbit minutes to sit here and wait for you guys. What's up, man? We're burning calories. How can we help? Aiden John. So I got two questions. One, I'd like to know if you think I can go part-time for my job.

And number two is kind of a psychological question for JD. I can't ever approve of any of my family members spending extra money, even though I make a really good salary. So like, for example... Hold on, hold on. Before we get going, before we get going, I'm going to cut you off. We're going to get our language right, okay?

Okay. You can. You've chosen not to, okay? So you choose not to let your family spend anything, even though you got a great salary. Go ahead. Keep going. Gotcha.

Keep going. That makes sense. Keep going. Yeah, exactly. Like, if we go out to dinner and the kids want an extra drink, I'll say yes, but inside of me,

I'm like, man, that extra $3 we could have saved. Did you grow up without any? Yeah, I grew up poor. There you go. I mean, I wouldn't say poor. I would say okay. I mean, I saw my parents bring us up from a one-bedroom apartment and then made their

money and they saved and saved. Hey, hey, hey, Mark, give yourself some grace. Your nervous system is wired up this way. Money's a scary thing that divides families, causes mom and dad to act scary, that bounces around from one bedroom apartments to a house to this and that. That's in your nervous system. The challenge for you is to recognize, hey, we used to not be safe and now we are. So that doesn't mean my kids get

everything that's that's that's been my approach because i grew up in a scary financial situation growing up and my challenge has been my kids i'm they can have everything they want whenever i got to wheel that back too because i'm going to create monsters if i'm not careful right but what that means is when they say hey dad i'm still hungry'm still hungry. Can I get another taco? And I go, sure, buddy. And my heart starts beating. I have to know inside I'm practicing something new. And that is we're okay. And I've never had that before, but I'm going to practice. We weren't okay, but we are now.

And it's going to be uncomfortable at first, but the more you're mindful of it, the more you accept it, the more your body goes, all right, we're okay now. And you can start being strategic. So go into the money part with Jade. How are we doing? I mean, this is an absurd thing. I mean, I'm worth 7.3. Bro, it's not absurd. You're running for your life. Okay, that's a little absurd. You're pretty wealthy. I mean, I have rental properties all paid for, value at $2 million, bringing in, I would say, net $8,000 a month. I'm a physician. I'm one of those weird physicians that Dave always describes, you know, I paid off my

loans in my first year out. I've been out for 20 years. Good. So you just need to loosen the purse strings is what you're saying because you have to pay your money. For real. I'm just so wound up, and it does affect my relationship with my wife. Can I give you one more thing real quick?

As a physician, we're going to run up against the clock. I'm going to make sure Jade's got a second to speak in here. But as a physician, if you live an anxious life, always solving other people's problems, and you're doing surgeries, and you're seeing sick people over and over and over again, sometimes an anxiousness response is to grab any variable you can and hang on for dear life. And I may wonder if your money, if your net worth is, this thing I can control, when you have a job that's out of control, you got family, you got fires in your community, if this is a way to grab onto control and maybe the path forward is practicing opening your hand up. Jade. That's a mic drop. I feel like that's a mic drop. I don't see any money issues here. Show me where the money problem is. You talked about

maybe going part-time. Go part-time, homie. I want to go part-time because I want to spend more time with my family. Okay, done. So it's going to reduce my income. I take home, I mean, because I live in the state of Hawaii and they take a lot. My annual is going to drop down from, say, $390 down to $220, working three days a week. No, you can't do it, Mark. I'm just kidding, Mark. You're good. Do it. You're all good.

Do it. And if you carry any debt on any of these properties, pay it off. Make your life as simple as possible financially. And I love the idea that you've worked hard enough that you get to work part-time and spend more time with your family. Embrace that. I think it's excellent. This is The Ramsey Show. You're listening to The Ramsey Show. I'm your host, Jade Warshaw. This is Dr. John Deloney. To my right, give us a call.

The number is 888-825-5225. Your neighborly question of the day is sponsored by Neighborly, your hub for home services. If you're moving, you have a long list of to-dos. Don't I know about that? But Neighborly has local pros like House Master, Five Star Painting, Window Genie, and Junk King to check items off that list. Visit Neighborly.com slash Ramsey today to schedule home service experts near you.

Today's question comes from Noah in Texas. Noah writes, my wife and I have run into a dilemma with her family. Her parents want to go on a vacation to Costa Rica. Great place. My wife told her mom that we can't go because we're paying off debt and don't have the money. But her mom has said that they will pay for our part of the trip because they really want us to go. My wife and I don't want them to do that for us. How about convincing them that we aren't able to go on My wife and I don't want them to do that for us. How about convincing them that we

aren't able to go on this trip? Man, here's what this sounds like, Jade. I don't have any problem with them going on a trip that mom pays for. That's awesome. Unless, and I'm reading between the lines here, Noah knows that that money will come with some significant strings attached 100 right 100 um and so i i don't i want to change your language you're never going to convince them what you're gonna do is you're gonna tell them we're not going to go on the trip this year thank you so much for the invite we appreciate your generosity it's not going to work for us this year we look forward to going with you in the future yeah that's it that's it that on that and they're going to be mad they're going to come up with excuses they not going to work for us this year. We look forward to going with you in the future. Yeah, that's it. That's it. That on that. And they're going to be mad. They're going to come

up with excuses. They're going to be whatever, whatever. We're not going to go on the trip and that's okay. Yeah. I, I, I 100% agree. I think we spend too time, too much time trying to convince people or trying to explain to them why we're doing things instead of just telling them. And that's it. I said what I said said also on the other side of it if your family wants to pay for you to go on a trip and it's going to be a great adventure for everybody go go on the trip yeah yeah absolutely but i'm with you clearly there's strings attached and sometimes it's just i'm not getting involved don't go though if there's no strings attached and it's just your ego go on the trip then is that fair

well like i ain't have nobody pay for me shut up like when you're just like i don't want a handout i'm not taking a handout i'm not just be quiet go on the trip with your mom and dad if it's yeah you know it's going to come back like well you know honey we put a lot of money on that trip so y'all need to bring grandkid to well now we got a whole other situation well that's kind of it's funny because what you just said the first one where it's like hey if it's i don't even know what that might sound like or feel like when you said that i was like what what must that feel like to have no to have nothing attached i don't even know i mean i talked to a buddy the other day and he's like my dad has taken um all three kids and their families on a huge cruise. Yeah.

And we're all going. And he's like, it's a long time. It's going to blow a lot of vacation, but it's going to be a fun trip. Yeah. It sounded like it's going to take some maneuvering for the family. Yeah. It's going to be, they're going to have to,

but on the whole, it's going to be a good trip. Yeah. I'm going to honor my dad. It's going to be fun. We're going to go. I get that. Staying with anybody's parents for 10 days, there's always going to be stuff, right? Always. right always we're gonna go that's fair yeah it's when you get back from that

vacation you're like hey we need to come roof the house for us because uh you remember i paid for that exactly now now we're into a whole nother ball game that yeah that's that's really interesting yeah because i think when people want to be generous like that it's it's almost as much of a gift to them if you take it. That's right. Than it is for you if you enjoy the, you know, you accept the gift.

So that's interesting. Yeah, I feel that. I'm trying to get it back on a scale that it's like when you go to a nice dinner and... Here's a good example. I did this. I had one of my professors when I was graduating um said she

wanted to start a um a tradition with her graduate students that she took them out to dinner so her and her husband and me and my wife went out to dinner i had a rule nobody buys me dinner and it was more of like a bro flex than it was like this hard and fast rule yeah So I slipped my card, my debit card to the waiter and was like, all cool. And her look of sadness, that I took that from her. It was a gift. Yeah. And I tried, I bro flexed out of it. I was like, oh, I got this.

And she was like, hey, this was a gift. Oh, man. And I remember being super disappointed in myself because I took that from her. It was going to be an awesome gift. And it was going to cost Turner family a lot of money. And it was a nice meal. I took it from her because I had a knee gap problem, right? I love that you called it a bro flex.

It was just so dumb. It was so stupid, man. But I think if it's a gift like that, then, man, let people give you a gift. Yeah. If it's their down payment on controlling your life. Or if you feel like they're doing it for spite to try to drive home the point. No, thank you. No, thank you.

You can feel it. You know the feeling. Let's go to the phone lines. Elena, I'm guessing it's Elena, in Kansas City, Kansas. Go Chiefs. Did I say it right, or is it Alina? You did. It's Alina.

Hi, Jade and John. Hey. My husband and I are new to the Ramsey plan. Welcome. Yeah, we've kind of done some stuff out of order the last couple of years. He is 58 years old. I'm 55. And we have no bills except our mortgage and a retirement loan, which I know now we should not have done. It's about $50,000.

We currently maximize our 401-403 account. Should we stop that retirement funding to pay off this $50,000? We're hesitant to do that at our age. And with the taxes, we'd have to pay on that $60,000 that We're hesitant to do that at our age. And with the taxes, we'd have to pay on that $60,000 that we're putting in there. We cringe at that. Should we sell stocks? We do have enough to pay that in stocks. However, we would have to pay short-term capital gains on that. We recently paid off a land loan and sold some stocks, $225,000 worth of stocks. So we would be paying short-term gains on that. Or do we not pay on those retirement loans and

then just start throwing money at our mortgage? You don't have any liquid cash? It's all tied up? We have about $15,000 in cash, but otherwise it's the stocks. And that's your emergency fund? Yeah. Yeah, listen, I'd go to the stocks and I'd clear those out because we're not big on stocks around here anyway. It's a lot riskier than if you were in something that's a little bit more spread out. So I'd probably liquidate the stocks and pay it. And I get what you're saying.

I feel like the thing you've got to understand in situations like this is there's always a piper to pay when you make a mistake, right? And so there's no really getting around it, whether it's in capital gains tax or whether it's pausing, you have to pause investing to pay off debt. There's always a give and take when a mistake's been made and you can't really evade that. So in this case, I think the best choice is for you to liquidate some of these stocks because like I said, it's money that you already have. You don't have to stop investing. But I would say from this point forward, I would make sure that I'm doing a more thorough investment mix instead of putting all my eggs in one basket, especially the older

you guys get. You're going to want to make sure that you've got your money spread around in a better way. Are you guys working with a professional? We are not. The stocks he gets is in his company. He's rewarded some of those and he buys into some of them. He is an Air Force veteran and has a steady paycheck from that. And then on top of that, works for another company at this time.

And he gets stocked in that company. His bonuses are paid in stocks. And again, he buys into it at a good rate. But I'll tell you this. I grew up in Houston. And for a season, my mom worked at this little bitty company called Enron. And they gave all their employees stocks upon stocks upon stocks. And they were some of the most valuable stocks in the world until people woke up one morning and they were

all gone. And so stocks are just such a risky proposition. And all the data says when you start throwing darts at trying to pick the right stock, you lose, you lose. And yours is just by default. Like you didn't even choose this really, it chose you. So it's even more of a gamble in that way. You're getting stocks. So man, I would take that stock and sell it and say, thanks. As though it's cash.

And invest it. Yeah. And by the way, you're paying a penalty every month in the interest on the loan you took out. So you're paying a penalty. You're gonna, like Jade said, you're gonna pay a penalty regardless. I'm looking at by 62 years old,

can I be completely free? Can we owe nobody anything except just us? And then that Air Force check comes in, then husband keeps working and now we're off to the races. Yeah, that's the way to do this. Those 401k loans, they're tricky. You know, people think I can just access this money.

It's no big deal. But the fact of the matter is, if you lose your job or if you walk away from that job, that loan becomes due within the next 12 months. Like it's it compounds on itself that quickly. So you have to be careful with those 401k loans. You never know. This is the Ramsey show you're listening to the Ramsey show I'm your host Jade Warshaw joined by Dr. John Deloney you can give us a call we'll talk about your life and your money the number is 888-825-5225 and I'm so excited because we have an amazing live event coming up here at Ramsey Solutions it's actually on our campus at our live event center. It's going to be May 10th and 11th, and we're calling it the Total Money Makeover Weekend, which is cool.

It takes place on anniversary of the Total Money Makeover book that we all know and love. And so I'm really excited. It's very different. It's different from any other event that we've done. All the personalities are there. We are teaching on, you teaching on the stuff we've

always talked about, but just in a new and invigorating way. So that's exciting. It's one weekend and you get a crash course on everything we teach about money. So you hear us talk about the baby steps all the time. And so this is perfect because it doesn't matter if you're on baby step one or maybe you're on baby step seven, there is going to be enough content for you to get excited, to get riled up about it. So I'm excited. It's really just going to be enough content for you to get excited, to get riled up about it. So I'm excited. It's really just going to be a big fat party, a big rally, and everybody there is going to be like-minded.

So that's really exciting. No matter what baby step you're on, it's going to light that fire. There's also going to be Q&As. I know that myself and Ken Coleman have cooked up some really fun content. No pun intended there. So that was just a little Easter egg. So hopefully you'll enjoy it. Early bird tickets start at $99.

That's only for a limited time. So you got to get your tickets now. You can do that at ramsaysolutions.com slash events. Yeah. And just keep in mind, this event center holds 2,400 people. So these tickets are going to go super fast. So get your tickets today. That's ramsaysolutions.com slash events slash events very cool can't wait for that let's go to the

phone lines michael who's in auburn alabama what's going on michael hey how you doing i'm doing good how are you i'm okay i just got this problem with an ex-wife. Uh-oh. Tell us about it. She's wanting money every day. And we've been divorced over 10 years. And she's remarried, but she's got a husband that lays up on the couch. It won't work. And so she's coming to you for money? Yeah. It won't work. And so she's coming to you for money? Yeah, every day she's wanting money to get cigarettes, pay a bill. Are you remarried?

No. Hey, I know why she's doing this. You know why? I'm trying to figure this out. I figured it out for you. She's doing this because you keep giving it to her. And you have been for a decade, even though you went to court and dissolved your marriage.

Why are you still giving her money 10 years later after she left you and remarried somebody else? I had kids, and they're over 18 now. And I was just trying to figure out if I needed to part ways or whatever. Are you still in love with her? I care about her, but she chose another man over me. That's exactly right. And I don't, I don't, I'm,'m i'm my heart's breaking for you man because i can tell you still care about her you want her to be successful she's the mother of

your kids and i get that but what you just said is important she chose somebody else over you she left you she divorced you she married somebody else and this is the bed that she chose for herself and she's got to sleep in it. She's got to make up that bed. And the only way to move forward is you've got to stop writing checks. You've got to say the ATM is closed. You will not get another penny from me ever again. And then she's going to have to look at her husband, who's laid up on a couch, and they're going to have to figure that one out.

How does that sound i understand that can you do that i'm gonna have to do that let me ask you this this new spouse that your ex-wife has is she safe over there is she fine over there or or is it just she needs money for cigarettes? Is there more to it? Well, he goes to work and then he quits work for a while. And then he goes to work and quits work for a while. When he quits work, they get in a real bad struggle. And she calls me to help. So, Michael'm gonna tell you i'm gonna tell you something that's hard to hear you shouldn't know about their marriage struggles it's inappropriate for her to

be telling you about that that's between her and him and when she starts to tell you about her about him and what he's not doing and i can't but that's when you have to say whoa whoa stop stop stop i have no interest in hearing about your new husband. None. Zero. Oh, you just don't care about, no, no, no. That's between y'all two. She made comments to other people that all she got to do is holler for me and I'll give

her money. And she, because you do. It's the truth. It's 100% the truth so you have to choose to keep your dignity and to say I'm no longer doing that period

I know and you're a good man but enough is enough is enough is enough fair fair your daughter's an adult how old's the daughter 18 she's 28 oh brother listen michael stop giving them all money all of them they're never gonna grow up my daughter doing without food you know no your daughter's choosing that

what keeps what's keeping her from getting a job my daughter works then she should have food yes yeah she needs to be to move out from her mama's house it's a toxic situation she needs to get her own I'm going to go out on a limb and say, you probably need a change of scenery as well, Michael. Like I'm just hearing this and I'm a fly on the wall. This sounds like a stew that's been just sitting, like simmering for a long time. And you just need to get out of it.

Like it's just a chain of events that just continue just that cycle over and over and over and my guess is you probably need to change the scenery your daughter probably needs a change of scenery because that reason my daughter's there because her mama is real sick and she's there to you know to help her well part of helping is making sure that there's food and part of yes part of helping is making sure like a fireman doesn't run into a burning building without the proper gear and equipment right similarly yes you can't call it help and at the same time not be truly helping or helping a tiny little bit but then calling around all it's just it's one big mess after another after another after another and then your daughter's gonna look up she's gonna

have lived in this house she's gonna be 36 years old when her mom finally passes away and this man who's laid on the couch is gonna take the house from her i understand right it's just a big mess that everyone's got to step away from I'm not saying walk away from a sick mama but I'm saying what y'all are doing what your daughter's doing

is not helping you giving money for cigarettes to a very very sick woman who's so sick that her adult daughter has to come in and live with her

it's not helping I'm just saying that because I love you not because I'm trying to be mean well I understand you know I'm just trying to help I know

that's what I say you're a good man you're a good man I think the greatest gift you could give everybody right now is to be very clear and say I've been helping for a long long time and I've got to take care of my future i got to take care of my

home and so as of effective today um the atm is closed and i'm not giving anybody any more money i love you okay and they're gonna they're gonna bang on your door they're gonna hate you they're gonna write you mean messages they're gonna yell at you because that's worked in the past, and it's not going to work this time. Do you have money, Michael, to get? I mean, do you even have? Not that much. Not that much.

Yeah. I struggle sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. If you're struggling, you definitely don't have it to give. Yeah. And your best, like John said, getting yourself together and getting your life together is the best thing you're going to be able to do

because no one's going to take care of you. So what's going to happen when you're, you know, get older and you're not working anymore? You've got to make sure that you're set up financially as well. Yeah. We got you, brother. Draw some boundaries and say no more. Changes to make.

That's hard. That kind of stuff, John, this magnetic, it's like, it has like a magnetic force that pulls you back. Well, you said it's like all the ingredients in a pot. And after a couple of days of just simmering, all the ingredients are just one big goo, right? Yeah. Got to jump out of the pot. It's not easy to do, but you can do it. Thanks for listening. This is The Gramsci Show. Bye.