The Ramsey Show - App - How Do We Decide if We Want Kids or Not? (Hour 2)

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

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I'm going to go ahead and get started. Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is Today Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money. My name is Anthony O'Neill, co-hosting today with the number one national best-selling author and one of the strongest women speakers out there in the world we want to know that christy right uh 888-825-5225 we're taking your calls this hour around money around life around starting a business if you're a young lady if you're a woman and you just really want to get some womanly advice on how to proceed forward in life in any area of your life please give us a call any questions around money i even want to hear a little bit from millennials you know young people you know how do we start off right what should i

do um give us give us a call give us a call triple eight eight two five five two two five christy and i would love would love to take your phone call um we i saw this article earlier christy you saw it too and and you know we both, let's have a conversation about this. Because you're married. I'm single. So we can really have a real good conversation with this. Because I have some questions to a married person that have my own perspective. This kind of rubbed me wrong.

And I was like, what? What in the world? But this article was on CNBC. This article has the nerve to say. Has the nerve, the nerve to say has the nerve people to say it's absolutely critical to have a separate bank account when you are married even when you're married don't rely on a joint bank account says best-selling author of smart women finish rich and co-founder of a and e wealth management david botch what you should have your own account both of you he tells cnbc make it uh make it make it adding it's absolutely critical especially for women that you keep money in an account that's

yours and that you control after all nearly half of marriages end wow he says and is almost always a woman that is hurt the most financially in divorce so i want you to have your own investment account i want you to have your own emergency account i want you to have your own credit cards and your and your own credit score. What in the world? Then you can also maintain a joint account or what he calls the we account in which you can together stash money to pay for your rent, utilities, bills, all that type of stuff. But he's pretty much saying in this ridiculous article that if you are married, if you come together together as one stay divided when it comes to your finances yeah you know what was interesting about that last thing that you just said uh we could we you could also maintain a joint account like an afterthought your joint account is the afterthought

or what we call a we account you know what i hear in that and this is this is what bugs me about the whole thing anthony it's not even really about the accounts, honestly. It's not even about the money. That part is a byproduct of it. It's the premise of the whole perspective that sometimes we're a team and sometimes we're not. Yes. We're going to sometimes act like a team in this area of our life, but we're going to sometimes not. And you know what, as a believer, as a, just in general, as someone that values marriage and what that means to make a commitment to someone, when you take vows, when you walk

down the aisle, you're making a commitment to that person to be a team. Now, do half of marriages end in divorce? Yeah, that's really unfortunate, but it doesn't mean that while you're married, you shouldn't act like a team when you can, while you can to be a team. You know, I use this example with you and I want to know your thoughts on this. So my husband, um, you know, we're, we're big sports people. He loves basketball. I love football.

We love watching sports, you know, back when we used to have sports, but he would say sometimes you'd see a pattern with football players. This may happen in basketball too, but especially football players where when they would get something that they play really hard the year that their contract is up you know because they want to get a really good deal get a really good contract and then after they sign this big deal they get comfortable yeah they kind of take their foot off the gas they kind of don't play as hard and you know what you see is you see the whole team suffer because this person had their own agenda this person was trying to do their own thing and i think you know you asked me as a married person, I'll tell you, Matt and I have been married eight years and we've had three kids

in that time. And you go through some really difficult things, things you could have never imagined. It's not just a good idea to be a team. It's essential to be a team. And I think this is just, that's what bugs me is because this acts like being a team is optional and I don't think it is. Yeah. Here's my problem. It's a single person. It doesn't make me want to get married. I'm just being honest. If everything is still about I and and the only thing that is we is when it's time to pay bills.

But you go make your money. You do what you want to do with your money. I make my money. I do what I want to do with my money. And then we just all with our money, separate money, we just put a little bit in a pot to pay bills so we can live. But I'm over here spending money over here. You're over here doing what you want to do. Where where is the weed? And I think the problem that I have with this article is that it's out there that they are saying 50 percent of

the people who get married are divorced. Well, my prayer is that I'm on the opposite side. And so I'm going to go in thinking that we're not going to get divorced. I'm going to go in there thinking that we are going to build wealth, not just we pay bills. Yeah. And it makes me think of that example. I may quote this wrong, but Dave has used this example at Entree Leadership Events that the Clydesdale horses, you know, they're working horses that can pull an unbelievable amount of weight. I want to say if I'm going by memory here, that one Clydesdale can pull around 12,000 pounds. So you would think that when you put two together that they would pull 24,000, but they can't. They pull 48,000 when you put them together. I had a friend, this was years ago, but she came to me kind of for money advice, knowing that I worked at this company and had these resources.

She said, you know, here's my situation. What advice do you have? And her and her husband had separate accounts. She had a bunch of debt and he had a bunch of savings. And I was like, well, we can fix this. You know, I'm just going to connect these two dots for you and tell you, if you combine your money and actually be a team as a team you can make so much more progress you can pull 48 000 pounds as the analogy i just think um it it's not just a a

marital principle it's a financial principle yeah yeah whenever two or three come together so it's like in our in this perspective there's two physical and there's god there's jesus right there and it's like i believe we could do a lot more together. And I just believe that with my personal walk in faith and your personal walk with faith, that that 50% of marriages can go down. We know the number one cause for divorces is money. And so that's our mission is to help people out with their money. So this 50% of divorce rates can go down and we're seeing more people married and having a fruitful and prosperous life. And I agree that we're going to have, as a married person, there's going to be some tough seasons.

But we shouldn't walk into it saying it's going to be tough. And more than likely, we're going to get a divorce. You know what's so interesting? You just pointed something out. So as a company, Ramsey Solutions, Dave started this 30 years ago. We've been doing this. We've seen millions and millions and millions of families become debt-free. Millions and millions of people change their No, it's actually the opposite. It's to put it together and be a team. And it brings a different sense of unity to your marriage and to your finances. It's so, so important to be a team. Yes.

Man, listen to us married people in the world and even single people. It's better to be together than to stand divided. You can accomplish a lot more together. Do not listen to this foolishness. Don't even read the book, Smart Woman Finish Rich. No, read A Total Money Makeover. Get the business boutique book, and we'll help you win. folks i love telling you about well-made well-thought-out products today i'm talking about grip six belts i don't know about you but I'm not a fan of traditional belts. They never fit right,

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GRIP6 is determined to help build and modernize American manufacturing. To learn more and get this month's Dave Ramsey special, visit GRIP6.com. That's GRIP6.com. Let's get back to the phone lines, Christy, and have a conversation with Jennifer. Jennifer, good afternoon. How can Christy and I help? Hi, Christy. Hi, Ayo.

Thanks for taking my call. How are you all doing today? Doing good. How about yourself? What's going on? So I guess my question is tailored more towards Christy, but Ayo, I'd be curious to see what you have to say since I know this is going to be happening in your future. So a little bit about my husband and myself. We're both 29 and have been together for nine years, and we've been married for four of those.

We both have great jobs, and we're currently on baby steps four, five, and six. And we made a plan that if we were going to have kids, we were going to be debt-free and own a home. And last year, we bought our first home together. And since then, we've kind of been on the fence now about whether we should have kids or not. We're just not sure if it's the right decision for us. And we've been talking to a lot of our friends who have kids. And usually, the response is they always saw themselves being parents. And neither of us really aspired to become parents growing up.

Not that we wouldn't ever become parents. It was just never a specific goal of ours. It always seemed like, you know, once you get married and then you start having kids. So I guess I was just curious what made you guys decide to, you know, plan for kids or to have kids right now? Yeah. You know, it's, that's such a personal decision, Jennifer, but I do see people that are in different camps. So there's people that are like, I always wanted to be a mom. There's people like, I wasn't sure, but then decided to. And then you have some people, I have some friends, even Jennifer, that they're like,

I never saw myself having kids. And then they end up having kids and love it. So I'll just tell you kind of a little bit of the thought process that may help you go through this as you're thinking through it. I think that one of the things that's difficult is to try to, you know, predict the future. We were talking about this earlier, Anthony, with like, you know, what your career is going to be, what your degree is going to be in. But I would just ask you, Jennifer, if you were just going to fast forward to the future and it's Christmas and you're 40 or you're 45, what would you like

that Christmas to be like? And are there kids at this Christmas or not? Like I know that's pretty simple for you to answer in a sound bite, but just think that, kind of go there for a minute. Is there a gut response of like, oh, yeah, I definitely want a family, or I'd be totally fine just doing what we're doing? I think right now it's, you know, we kind of bought our house to be able to have the rest of our family over for all of those events.

And so I guess I see it where there's kids around. They may not be my kids. They might be my sister's kids or his sister's kids. And so I guess there's kids in our future. I just don't know if they're ours or if I'm an aunt because I want to be like the cool aunt. I think that's where we're kind of leaning back and forth. Every day, it seems to be like the cool aunt, you know? I think that's where we're kind of, I know we're kind of like leaning back and forth every day. It seems to be different.

And we're just, you know, we're constantly talking about it because it's a big decision between the two of us. And, you know, we've always kind of talked about, we've had a three-year plan and the three-year plan has been happening since we've been, you know, 23 and it's never actually become to fruition, I guess. And it was always, you know, have kids. And now that we're kind of there, I think we're just kind of, well, we really love the way our life is right now. And we feel extremely fulfilled and there's nothing really missing that we feel like in our lives. Yeah. Well, I would just say, and this is, like I said,

it's such a personal decision. I think one of the things that you're doing great is you're talking about it. Um, you're having the conversation with your spouse and you can continue to talk about it for another year, two years, three years, five years. You don't have a specific timeframe that you're working in. I know you have plans, but a lot of times our plans don't always work out how we hope they will or think they will. And sometimes there's, um, you know, things we have to adjust to, but there's also pleasant surprises. So I would just encourage you, if you're not sure today, don't feel rushed. Don't feel like you have to have it figured out just because you bought a house.

You bought a house. That's all that means. You bought a house. It doesn't mean you have to fill it with kids right now. And if in a year you decide to try to start a family, that's something you can pray about and adjust and talk to your husband about and then go from there. But I just want to give you the encouragement that you don't have to have it

figured out today. That is super personal. It is life changing and incredibly, um, an incredibly important decision that certainly affects everything else. Uh, so I would just, that would be my encouragement is you don't have to have it figured out

today. I can't tell you if you should or shouldn't that's between you, your husband and God, but I will say you don't have to have an answer today. Yeah, I totally agree. I mean, I really can't speak into that neither. I mean, cause I, that's on you and your husband and y'all's

goals. So, uh, praying for you, Jennifer, um, and just, you know, have a clear vision and y'all just keep walking forward. Yeah. I think, I think one lesson there though, is like, I think a lot of times we have plans. We're like, well, this is what I have to do next. Cause I said I would, and it's like, we have permission to change our mind, change our plans, change our timelines. And, and she does too. Yeah, she really does. Going out to British Columbia, Canada. Wow. Okay.

We're going to have a conversation with Trevor. Trevor, good afternoon, man. How can Chrissy and I help? Hey there. How's it going? Doing good. Great. What's up?

Hey, so my question is we're looking at possibly moving out to my mother-in-law's property. She's got 10 acres. Wanted to kind of reset our life, figure out how to get all our debt paid off. So we're looking at selling our house. We have a local $35,000 in debt. And, you know, we're just looking at, you know, we're putting some money into a rental fund to finish the house off and then going to try to finish the house off.

And then I'm going to try to sell the house and use that equity to pay off the debt and just kind of sit on some cash until we figure out what we're doing next. Okay. Does that seem like a decent idea? I can barely hear you because of the wind, Trevor. So do me a favor if you can. Try and cover the wind on your phone because I didn't hear. How much debt do you currently have right now? $35, sounds so much better too all right so 35k um in debt what's the house worth you know what's the equity in the house if you sell it uh we can probably get between 449 459 for it uh equity we'd probably take out over $200,000. Okay, so $200,000.

And you're probably looking at about, what, $180,000, $160,000, $170,000 by the time it gets in your account from paying the fees and real estate fees and stuff like that. Not real estate, but the realtor fees. Yeah. Okay, so $160,000. I love it. Let me ask you this question. When you pay off your debt, you're saying you want to move.

Is that stay in Canada, or is that come towards this area? So stay in Canada. We're thinking about moving about 30 minutes down the road to our mother-in-law's place. Okay. And then really thinking, do we build a cabin there? We're not in a rush to really make the decision. We want to make a smart decision. And, you know, we've been rushing for the last five years, buying a house, doing this

and that, making lots of mistakes. And we just want to do a refresh and really think about what we're doing. How much money is your household income, Trevor? $80,000. Okay. How long have you been working the plan to get debt-free? We've been, you know, since we bought the house, we've been realizing how much money we've been putting into interest. So, you know, just working on paying everything off. I think we paid down $20,000 this year, so we had over $50,000. And, yeah, so we've just been working the steps, and we figure, well, you know, we're thinking about moving anyways.

We can just get rid of it all and just have a good start. Yeah, I like it. Trevor, the idea sounds good to me. I am cool with that. You have $35,000 in debt. You're willing to sell your house, get out of debt. So you're going to have about $160,000, $170,000 after everything is said and done. So that means you'll have about right around $130,000, $140,000 to actually put in an account.

I would definitely go ahead and put aside that six months of income um as far as in for your emergency fund and then just really start working baby steps four five six and seven at the same time well you won't be working on baby step number six because you've already paid off your house and you sold it uh but then i once you get another house down the road it's great but the key thing that i really love that you said trevor was you want to take a time because you you and your wife have have rushed and made some very fast decisions and i think that's one of the best things um that we can do is to take our time when it comes to huge money decisions or just when it comes to our vision, take our time, write them down, make them plain, get the right plan to work that vision and just do it in a smooth way, not in a rush way. I will, I will say

one thing to add to that, Trevor. And I think this is coming from the perspective, we've been talking back and forth on like, you know, from a marriage perspective, if you're moving in with your in-laws, Trevorvor yeah trevor yeah i just want you to think through that i just want you to have a plan have a goal time frame like we're going to live with the in-laws for the even if you have the most wonderful in-laws in the world you're used to living on your own being independent with your family and then you're going into being a child and in-laws house just set a time frame say we're going to be there for six months we're going to be there for eight months and you got going to be there for eight months. And you've got your own reset,

like you said, but then have an exit plan too. Man, that'll be hard for me. I couldn't go back home to my mom and dad. And I love them. I'm a grown man. No way. I can't go back in with grown parents. Coming up next, man, we've got a debt-free screen. Man, I am really excited about this. So we'll be right back In the lobby of Ramsey Solutions on the debt-free stage, Joey is with us.

My brother, how are you doing, man? How are you doing? Man, I am well. How are you doing? Man, I am doing well. I am extremely doing well. So where are you from, man? I'm from Kansas City, Missouri. Kansas City, Missouri? Yes, sir. I'm with the Chiefs. Are you a fan of the Chiefs? I am a fan of the Chiefs.

I'm not, but welcome to the... No, I'm just kidding. My dad heard that. He'll be upset with me. But man, so let's talk about it. How much have you paid off? I paid off $45,000. Congratulations. $45,000. Yes, sir. Okay.

And how long did that take you to pay off? It took me 21 months. 21 months. Wow. Yeah. And what was your range of income? So when I started, it was $35,000. Then after I paid off all my debt, it was $45,000.

Nice. Wow. So you was only making about $35,000 to about $45,000? Yes, sir. Wow. And what do you do for a living? So I currently work in IT at a credit union in Kansas City. Okay. Okay. So IT and credit unions, what do you do? What is that? So basically, I just troubleshoot our company's computer systems just to make sure they're running okay. It's a very important job for our business. Yes, it is. We have an IT team here and they keep us safe.

I think his is probably just a little bit more important. Probably a little bit. Because he got our money. That's right. But when I was paying off debt, though, I had a second job as well. Did you? Yes, sir. What were you doing? I worked at a very famous chicken place. Chicken?

Making chicken? Chick-fil-A. Oh, you was working at Chick-fil-A. Yes, sir. Okay, I got you. I got you. I was about to say, okay, can you cook? I was about to hook you up.

No, I wish. Oh, man, that's good. So what kind of debt was the $45,000? So the $45,000 consisted of collection debt, like debt that was charged off i had auto loans student loans you can name it all man a mix yeah so we got to ask this question what happened on your journey like why did you want to start this journey of becoming debt-free well the number one reason why is because I believe that everything belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ.

He owns it all. He has called us to be good stewards of our money. And to me, I was not living that out. And so what happened was I had a conversation with my disciple mentor, Eric. I just bought this, not brand new, but new wish card to me. And it was at a really high interest rate. And he just like, Joey, you can't like, you can't be doing this. Like, and he challenged me to pay off as quickly as I can. And I decided in that moment, Hey, if I'm going to pay off this car,

I want to just pay all my debt off. And so it began in March of 2018, when I made the decision to really be serious about paying off all my debt because I wanted to honor God with the finances that he's given me. That's so good. When you got started, how hard was it to change your habits and your behavior? You know what I mean? Because you were used to living one way. You've made the decision, but man, changing habits can be hard. Oh yeah, it was really hard. I had to learn to sacrifice a lot of things I didn't really need. Like a big example would be like, I don't need all those subscription services like Netflix, Spotify, all that. You got rid of Netflix? I did.

Are you serious? I did. You're blowing his mind right now. Wow. Yeah. Okay. That's interesting. It's hard though to sacrifice because I think one of the things that is required

on this journey for the short term is to sacrifice something so that, like we say, live like no one else so later you can live like no one else. I remember we were just talking, even chatting on YouTube. I have FOMO, fear of missing out. So I remember when I was paying off my debt, my friends went on trips and I had to miss out on them. And that was hard. What was probably the hardest change for you when you were kind of making this transition? I would say it's, you know, living, like you were saying, extravagantly taking trips or buying the newest technology. That was a big struggle for me, especially getting out of debt. Yeah, it's just keeping up with the latest tech because I love technology. I'm wearing an Apple watch. It just

tells you I love technology. But that was very difficult for me to let go of like, man, I don't need the new iPhone. That's right. I have one that works just fine. Yeah. For the short term, like you said. Exactly. For the short term while you're paying off that debt.

Exactly. We've never asked this on a debt-free stage. I'm going to do it today. Are you single? I am single. How was your single life throughout this journey? Well, it was a little bit rough. I'll be real with you.

Okay. journey? Well, it was a little bit rough. I'll be real with you. But at the same time, you know, I had to remember, I have to remember too, that during that journey, if I ever would like, you know, want to get married, I have to think of the long-term goal. I want to prepare myself to lead and love a wife without having all that financial burden on me. And even if I were to marry someone who had debt, I'm like, let's, I'm going to help pay off your debt just like I did it for myself. Joey, you're awesome. Can I just say that?

You're amazing. You are just, you love the Lord. You're thinking long-term. You have got it together, man. That's awesome. Kansas City ladies, y'all better keep up. It's all by God's grace. Kansas City ladies, he's single, he's debt-free.

Who are your biggest cheerleaders, Joey? Who cheered you on? I would say my disciple mentor, Eric, was a big cheerleader. He just kept telling me, you can do this, Joey. There was a lot of people in my church. A lot of my friends were very supportive. Even my own family was very supportive of me on this journey towards being debt free. So it was just so encouraging.

What would you say the trick is? What's the secret to getting out of debt now that you've done it? Lower your expenses as much as you can. Live below your means. Trust God, obviously. But it's not just trusting God. It's how do you apply to trust the Lord? Like making a budget, sticking to your budget,

cutting expenses that you don't need. I was very fortunate to have a rent situation. I live with my friend Daniel and he only charged me $350 a month for rent. So I was able to live way below my means. So just cutting expenses, like, you know, saving on insurance, finding prepaid cell phone plans, anything like that is what I would recommend people is to get out of debt. You did it. You did it, man. How does it feel? It feels great. What's next? I'd say for me, it's just saving up money, you know, saving up money for retirement. But what I'm really looking forward to is just how much I can give away to organizations that have always wanted to give to, to support the ministry

of the gospel. That's beautiful. That's amazing. Well, you know what, Joey, man, we already know where you're headed. And so we're going to give you a copy of Chris Hogan's book, gospel. That's beautiful. That's amazing. Well, you know what, Joey, man, we already know where you're headed. And so we're going to give you a copy of Chris Hogan's book, Everyday Millionaires, because you will be a millionaire. That's the next chapter of your life. How old are you again, man? I'm 28, but I turned 29 on Sunday. Happy birthday. Thank you. What a way to celebrate. 29 years old and he's dead. I'm stuck. Y'all know what I'm thinking right now. That's amazing. I'm not going to do you like that live in front of 17 million people,

but I think one person out there is waiting for you back in Kansas City. All right, you guys. All the way from Kansas City, Missouri, $45,000 paid off in about 21 months, making about $35,000 to $45,000 a year. Let's hear it. A debt-free scream. Sir. I'm debt-free.

All right. Wow. That is amazing. That's awesome. Every time I hear a debt-free scream, it brings me back to remembering what it feels like. You remember that feeling? We've both experienced digging ourselves out of debt. And, man, there's nothing like it.

What I try to tell people all the time, Anthony, is any person that has ever become debt-free, and they finally experience that freedom, they finally experience what it feels like to get paid on Friday and get to keep your money, they never look back. They never say, oh, man, I wish I had those bills. I wish I had those debts. Man, I really miss that. No. The voice of debt is always the voice of regret.

And if you can work your way out of this mess, you'll never look back. Joey's not looking back. Joey ain't looking back. He looking forward. Yeah, that's right. That man looking forward. He's 29 years old. No debt.

Making good money. An IT guy. Sharp guy. Look like he go to the gym. He ain't looking back. That man looking forward. He's 29 years old. No debt. Making good money. An IT guy. Sharp guy. Looked like he'd go to the gym. He ain't looking back. My brother looking forward. I like it. And he feels good.

So, I mean, I remember those days. I remember that day when I paid off. The last thing I had to pay off was my car because I did finance a car back in the days. And, man, when I paid off everything, Chris, I felt so much freedom. I remember waking up on the first of the month and I was like, wait, the only thing I have to pay for right now is my rent. That's right. You really give yourself a raise because you get to keep your money. Yes.

And I'm like, this feels good. Yeah. Like what? The 15th of the month. I still have money in my account. What? The 30th of the month. Wait, it's going into a new month. I still have money in my account. What? The 30th of the month. Wait, it's going into a new month and I still have money.

It just feels good. And you know what? It's not the amount of money. You can be making 30,000 a year and feel rich because you own it all. You have it all. You can be making $200,000 a year and be broke because you spend more than you make. It's not that. It's just the choice to get debt free.

You are absolutely right, Rachel. I mean, not Rachel, Christy. You better watch it. I'll tell you. I love Rachel. You are absolutely right, Christy. But you know what? I mentor millionaires, football players who are making a million dollars, and they're living paycheck to paycheck.

That's right. But Joey's going to be an everyday millionaire. We'll be right back. one of the most common questions i'm asked by family members chrissy is how do i create a will do a will to really make sure that my kids and my family are okay you know and i think you have some information for us you know here's the thing this is not something fun to talk about i think think we can acknowledge that. You don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. Knowing listening wants to talk about it. In fact, our research team found that 74% of parents don't have a will, probably because they don't want to

think about it or take the time to do it. But y'all, this is too important. You need a will to protect your family. So we want you to stop putting it off. We want you to actually get it done. We have created a free will preparation checklist. This is going to walk you through seven important areas like naming guardians and beneficiaries, plus all the little things that you haven't thought of. I have created my will and I can tell you guys, once you check that box, you get it done, the peace of mind that you feel is incredible because you know that if something happened to

you, your family would be taken care of. It's taking the burden off of them. Once you've gone over this checklist we've created, setting up your actual will only takes about 10 or 15 minutes. You can get this free guide by texting will W I L L to three, three, seven, eight, nine. That's will to three, three, seven, eight, nine. This is going to protect your family for the future. If something were to ever happen. And once you get it done, it's going to give you peace of mind. That is our free will checklist. You guys check that out. You know, Chrissy, I have one and I'm a single man and it was probably the most hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm actually at peace because if something did happen to me, my family knows what to do and how to go about it. Well, it's it's 10 minutes of uncomfortable. Yes. For a future of peace of mind. I'd say that's a pretty good ROI for your time and your investment. Just no one wants to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it either, but you just get it done, get it over

with. Absolutely. So text will to three, three, seven, eight, nine, because it's the right thing to do for your family. Think about your family. Don't be selfish. Think about your loved ones. And I promise you when you're in heaven, looking down at your family, you'll be grateful for those 10 minutes going out to Chattanooga. we're going to have a conversation with Marie. Marie, good afternoon. How can Christy and I help? Hey, guys. Thanks for taking my call.

I am, well, my husband and I, we are in the middle of Baby Step 2, and I was looking for a way to make more money, and I applied for a job in Wyoming. And I got the job. And it's a dream job job and the pay is great but my parents are just really upset that we'll be taking our their grandkids across the country yeah and how how's that going let's dig into that a little bit Marie when you say they're upset how are they handling it and how are you handling? Like what's actually kind of going on as much as you're comfortable sharing, just so

we can give some thorough advice here based on what's actually happening. Well, everything from anger to crying to, you know, guilt trips. Um, and I, I can't even be excited about this, this great opportunity. Why can't you go on i'm sorry christy i feel guilty yeah yeah okay let me ask you this let's let's take your parents out of this for a second you and your husband you're on the same page oh yeah he really wants to go. Yeah. He loves, he loves Wyoming and we would make twice what we make here in Tennessee. And yeah, yeah, he's, he's ready to go. Marie, I'm going to share something with you and I want to give you the disclaimer before I share this, that these are my personal values. Okay. I wouldn't say that this is the Bible. This is set in stone. This is Christy Wright's personal values when it

comes to family boundaries. There are different cultures that would think differently. Certainly in other countries, there's a more of a family unit, including extended family. This is my personal values. I feel a deep responsibility to the people inside my household. That would be my husband and my three children. I feel a much smaller responsibility to people outside my household, like my mom, Matt's parents, my dad, my stepmom, and so on. But I am not responsible. I don't personally feel that I'm responsible for my mother's feelings, my mother-in-law's feelings, or their opinions. I'm responsible for my family's. And so if my husband and I decide to do something, whether that's move to Wyoming or have Christmas at our house or do anything that might ruffle someone else's feathers from a different generation that has different expectations of us,

and everybody does in every family. That's not unique to our family. Everyone does. I have to rest on the peace of mind that I'm doing what's right for my family because they're my children. It's my husband and my household. Now, that doesn't mean that the guilt is going to completely diminish. It also doesn't mean that the family is going to suddenly be okay with it. But it does help you understand if you are doing the right thing or not and how to proceed.

I will say that communication and boundaries can be a really helpful thing to get through this transition. I would definitely recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. And I would have a conversation with your parents that goes something like this. This is the two-second version of it, Marie. And you can put it in your own words, lead it how it makes sense for you guys. But something to the effect of, I hear that this is really sad for you. And that must be really hard that your grandkids are going to be moving across the country. I want you to know that as a family, we've decided to do this because it's right for our family. And we're so excited. And we're definitely going to do everything we can to

make sure we see you guys as often as possible. But the decision is not changing. So you have an opportunity in how you handle this transition. You can make it joyful and fun and celebratory and participate with us. Or you can continue to behave how you've been behaving, which is really just going to be not fun for you or us. And the outcome doesn't change. We're still moving. So that open, direct, loving, truth-telling communication, I think can help you lead them through this in a way that calls them to a higher standard, but also at the same time

empathizes with them about their sadness, because of course they're sad. That is hard, but it doesn't change the fact that it's your children and your job and your home. Ayo, I mean, I could preach on this all day because it's a boundaries thing and I'm passionate about boundaries. I mean, yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. And Chrissy, you know, I'm just going to echo what you're saying.

You know, Maria, I understand. I guess maybe because I'm a man. I see this differently. How's that? How so? Because I'm just going to say. Just go. Goodbye.

What are we feeling weird about? My man out there, he looked at me and he was like, yeah, I agree with him. I mean, this is my house. These are my kids. You know, you want me to be you want me to stay here so you can feel good. But are you helping me pay my bills? Are you helping me pay for my kids college? Are you going to help me pay for feeding them?

Like, I think for me on the man side, I'm like, yo, mom and dad, I love you. We love you. But we have to do what's best for my family, not what's best for our families. Right. And so when she said I can't be excited i don't understand why she can't be but i think that's different the difference between a man and a woman you you i would say this i would say right now she doesn't feel excited because she's in the middle of this storm with her parents she can feel excited but i think there has to be a choosing to find

confidence in the fact that they're doing what's right for their family. But if you're getting distracted by everybody else's loud opinions, whether it's your parents, your in-laws, or some crazy people on the internet, it's easy to let that affect you. And I know that that's hard. It's going to be a difficult transition regardless. But I think you have an opportunity, Marie, to lead. Lead your family. Lead your parents. Call them to a higher standard of behavior and be very honest, very loving. Listen to them. We were talking about this earlier, Anthony, about asking questions. We were talking about this even with the issue of race. If you can lean in and listen and learn that humility and posture, some people just want to

be heard. They might just be like, you know what? I see that you're going anyway, but I just want you to know I'm really sad. Okay, I hear you. I see that. And we're going anyway. And so, um, I think, I think you can lead this, um, set some clear boundaries, have some good, clear, open, honest, loving conversation. And, uh, and you'll get through it. But Marie, I just want to, I just want to end this by saying, congratulations. You got an awesome job. You got a raise. This is a dream job. And you and your husband have just made an awesome decision that's right for your family. Let's celebrate that.

I hope you can, and I hope you will allow yourself to be excited even while dealing with this in the transition. Even as a man, though, Christy, I think I would be protective and probably a little upset with my in-laws because my wife now is at home, a little frustrated. She can't really enjoy what's happening in our lives and celebrate it because she's concerned about her mom, which speaks volumes about her.

Right. But at the same time, as a man, I'll be like, hey, be quiet. We're going. We're going. Let's celebrate. Let's turn up tonight. Let's have a good time.

Because this is a huge accomplishment for us. So, i want to thank our producer james child and our associate producer kelly daniel on the phone lines i remember you guys the caliber of our financial future will be determined by the decisions we make today don't forget this is the dave ramsey show This is James Childs, producer of The Dave Ramsey Show. Once again, you made The Dave Ramsey Show one of the top four most popular podcasts last year. To get your daily dose of motivation and inspiration from the Ramsey Network, subscribe or follow today wherever you listen to podcasts.