The Ramsey Show - App - How Do We Use the Settlement Money From Our Daughter’s Accident? (Hour 1)

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studios, it's the Ramsey Show, where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey personality, best-selling author of the book Redefining Anxiety, is my co-host today as we talk about mental health issues, money issues, life issues, and oh, by the way, it all goes together because, by God, it's Thanksgiving week. So here we go.
Starting point is 00:00:55 It is Thanksgiving week. Game on. The beautiful part about Thanksgiving is you get to see your family, and the crazy part about Thanksgiving week is you get to see your family, and the crazy part about Thanksgiving week is you get to see your family. Open phones at 888-825-5225 as we talk about life and money right here on The Ramsey Show. Before we get out of the hour, I'm not going to do it right now, but just be thinking about this. I'm going to come to you, and you're going to give us some advice for dealing with Thanksgiving. Oh, man.
Starting point is 00:01:21 All of us. We'll just get some clinical advice. We'll just have a little counseling session for America. This time tomorrow, I'm going to be in a deer blind in the woods. That's about as good as I can give, but... Oh, avoidance is your technique. Avoidance and hiding in the woods. This is your technique. That's right, that's right. I'll give you some. I'll give you some good ideas. Okay. There we go. I like it. I'm in.
Starting point is 00:01:38 All right, we'll start this hour off with Renee in Portland, Oregon. Hey, Renee, what's up? Hi, Dave. Can you hear me? Yes, ma'am. This is so strange. Okay. So we got some insurance money for a really bad reason, and we lost our little girl and so we're having a hard time, you know, knowing
Starting point is 00:02:08 what is the best thing to do with this at this point. From my perspective, I would like to relocate closer to family and from his perspective, he would like to not blow it because our income is not hot right now. And that's basically where we're at. We used a little bit of it to finish some of the debt snowball, but we'd be left with $100K in student loans, $200K in our house, and $30K left over from the money. My goodness. How long ago did you lose your daughter?
Starting point is 00:02:52 It was last June 20, that terrible year. Yeah. So it's been, you know, it's just hard to do. You know, my husband told me last night, he's like, there's no way.
Starting point is 00:03:12 I do not want to put her money on those, you know, you know. I can hear another kid. You've got other little ones too. You've obviously got a little baby, right? Yeah, we've got a baby here.
Starting point is 00:03:32 I'm a two-year-old. How old was your daughter? She was two. What was her name? Clara. Was it a car wreck or what? We were crossing the street, and she was stopped. I thought I saw her wave, but I couldn't see her very well.
Starting point is 00:03:54 She said she didn't see us. Oh, man. I'm so sorry. I don't know if that's accurate, but that's my rabbit hole. So the insurance check is how much? It was $50,000. $50,000? Yes.
Starting point is 00:04:14 And that actually was not from her insurance. That was from our insurance for underinsured motorists. So we did not sign any documents. I guess for our part part suing her. So it's not on the table. But anyway, I guess emotionally we get in a corner. Here's the thing, okay? The horrible tragedy you've been through is a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10. Okay?
Starting point is 00:04:51 What you do with the money is a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10. Okay. And you guys are equating, especially your husband is with the statement he made, you're equating the use of this money somehow, the weight of the use of the money, you're weighing it the same as the tragedy, and they're not even on the same planet. Gotcha, yeah. It's just $50,000. It doesn't even matter in comparison to what you're all's hearts have been through.
Starting point is 00:05:18 And if you try to make the expense. If you set it in the middle of the floor and burn it, it doesn't change anything. Right. And if you want to equate the gravity of this 50, like what you spend this on, it's got to equal the weight of the importance of our little baby girl. That math will never work. Yeah. How long ago did you get this check? Recently, like a few months ago. what's your household income um we're about 38 a year i think
Starting point is 00:05:50 did you say you were thinking of relocating did i hear you say that earlier uh yeah i would we're kind of off here it's an hour commute from his work which in today's crazy housing. You live on the street where the accident occurred? No. Okay. It's down the road. Okay, that's good. So you're thinking of, do you own the home you're in? We have 2K on it.
Starting point is 00:06:20 You have what? Wait, no, $200,000. Oh, that's right. You said you had a mortgage. So you do own it, but it has a mortgage on it. So take the money out of here and take the tragedy away. You've got two little kids. Were you intending to steer your family back closer towards family? Oh, I would love to.
Starting point is 00:06:38 This is kind of where we found something in our budget, and we thought, oh, our it's not that big of a deal um and our drive is bonkers for 38 000 a year yeah that feels heavy yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't make an hour drive for 138 000 a year so um i wouldn't make it period but uh not enough money on the freaking planet but yeah it's not it's not like he's got the dream job of all jobs that's worth driving an hour for, especially with you guys having gone through this. So I'm either changing jobs or I'm making a move.
Starting point is 00:07:14 As far as this money goes, here's a good idea. Don't do anything with it right now. Just put it in a CD for a year. It's not going to change your life. It doesn't clean up all your debt it doesn't make anything here easy it's not five million which if it was that we'd talk about trying to push through maybe and try to figure out something of what was some basic things to go on but fifty thousand dollars i don't want to belittle the amount of money, but in comparison to what's all going on in your life, I wouldn't even have this discussion.
Starting point is 00:07:48 I would just set it to the side, be in denial about it, about the money for a little bit, and then you guys start talking about making your decisions about your move. Yeah, because the decisions are getting wound up in the grief, and then it becomes about this money. Yeah, decide whether you're going to move or not decide we're going to get a new job but my husband doesn't have to be gone two hours a day for 30 000 bucks and here's the thing i'll put some words in his mouth he didn't call he said he couldn't spend her money on this honey it's not her money she's in heaven
Starting point is 00:08:22 it's your money now how are you in heaven. It's your money. Now, how are you going to live your life with your current family after this heartbreak? So if you're going to treat it like her money, just go give it to the church or something and walk away. But it's really not her money. It's money that came because of a horrible, unbelievable, breathtaking tragedy. You've got a lot on your plate, a job, your home, your marriage, and your growing family. While you're enjoying the present, you can't help but think about your future and your finances. As you explore your options, consider Christian Healthcare Ministries,
Starting point is 00:09:11 or CHM, for your healthcare. Their generous maternity program and budget-friendly monthly programs have been a blessing to members welcoming children into their families. Visit chministries.org slash budget to see if it's right for you. Christian Healthcare Ministries is a Ramsey-trusted provider. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey Personality, is my co-host today.
Starting point is 00:09:52 Open phones at 888-825-5225. So, John, I think it's worth revisiting our last call because it's such a horrible situation, such an unusual situation. The data around the statistical averages around people losing a child for any reason, accident, disease, anything else, but particularly an accident. The marriage data is not good yeah it's tough it's not friendly the um a lot of people lose their marriages uh they can't process one of the two or both can't process through the grief together um i suppose that's what it is um and um i can't wrap my head around what happened there. Well, I mean, I guess it was just an accident.
Starting point is 00:10:49 There was no one at fault, quote, unquote, how there's only a $50,000 check involved. I kind of would think there's no money or there's a bazillion dollars. If you ever see those actuary tables of what you know you lose a limb you lose somebody this age you lose somebody that age and it all comes back it's it's a heartbreaking actuary table to look at what was my you know dismemberment worth what was my death worth here is the death oh here's what the quote-unquote economic value economic value right and so it's this gross it's just gross the whole thing. Right. And so it's this. Gross.
Starting point is 00:11:26 It's just gross. The whole thing's yuck. Yeah. And it's the insurance company who's just trying to put a dollar on it. But to go back to your original statement, we grieve, everybody grieves so differently that ultimately you get a clash.
Starting point is 00:11:37 You often have a clash of grief. Somebody wants somebody to move on and somebody wants someone to feel this different and it just causes a split in a marriage and you really have to be intentional about grieving together and giving space for each other and so many times the language of money is where our emotions find their words yeah um and so when he says we're not if we can't blow her money and stuff like that. That sets off alarm bells in my head. Mine too.
Starting point is 00:12:06 Because the – I don't want to move, and so I've got an excuse. Well, or, I mean, I – you know, it's hard to know because I've never been in this situation. But I can't drive down that street anymore. No. No. Can't drive down the street. My throat is just in
Starting point is 00:12:26 my my my stomach's in my throat talking about it and i don't even know these people that's right you know but uh so i can't even imagine uh i mean i still drive by exits where you know uh just by an exit where i knew a guy that lived up there you know and i have an emotion you know it's like that kind of a thing, because I've been in the same city my whole life. And so each of these intersections has some kind of a memory to it, you know. I got pulled over there. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:54 I went to jail there when I was 16, you know, whatever. But, yeah, I can't imagine having that kind of a thing associated with a street. And this is unique because normally you have a major tragedy, and in the next couple of months things work themselves out, and you've got to face some of these, what I call the nuts and bolts realities. Like here's the dollar amount, where's the funeral, who's making the invitations, whatever. This is different because their daughter passed away in June of 2020, and they just got the check last week.
Starting point is 00:13:29 And I still think your wisdom was right. I still think you put it away for six months, nine months, and you let that, we've got to heal. The money's going to stay here because if we just go jump on something, it's usually going to be something out of emotion. Well, if she goes and does with it what she wanted and he feels like they blew her money her money that's a that's a violation you're never going to get he could never look at her again yeah that that begins a process that's not and if wife feels like husband is holding this
Starting point is 00:14:01 money hot our baby's money hostage and is forcing me down the same road every week and forcing me to relive this thing where that driver was my daughter and I were walking across you gotta relive that all the time that can that can feel abusive right and so it's putting this money away and and what are we going to decide about our life right now like what are we going to do now let's live our life and then let's come back to this money right after our brains have cleared a little bit of some of the grief fog yeah yeah and i love he said it's the fog of grief the grief's gonna be there man she will find herself stronger and she will have different life experiences but that moment that's that moment's there it's trauma and it stays that's right. That's right. Yeah, that's true.
Starting point is 00:14:45 But you do get your – You become resilient. You get stronger. Well, your critical thinking skills get better and better and better the further you are from the event, assuming you're healing. Right. Yeah. That's your only shot at it. And that's why we tell people, like, for instance, a spouse, we've been married 51 years, you know, and he left me a million dollars worth of life insurance what do
Starting point is 00:15:05 i do i don't know what to do i've never handled the money before i don't know and he died a week ago you know that kind of a thing i always tell that widow or widower in that case to park it freeze park it for a year if you can survive without the money and eat just park it and eat and cry yeah and get get past some of that some of it and uh get to the point that you can come back wow open phones this is the ramsey show dr john deloney my co-host the phone number here 888-825-5225 travis is in lima ohio lima ohio hi travis how are you how you doing thank you for taking my call sure Sure. Lima or Lima? Lima.
Starting point is 00:15:47 Lima. Okay. Good. I got it right now. Lima. Like the bean. What's up? Like the bean, Ramsey.
Starting point is 00:15:51 Come on. All right. What's up? Yeah. Yeah. So I make about $40,000 a year. I have $20,000 in savings with a $1,000 emergency fund. I'm planning on, I have a question of, I should have about $30,000 in
Starting point is 00:16:07 February, March, and I'm thinking about putting a down payment on a house, or if I should wait for a couple years to put a bigger down payment on a house to almost pay it off within 15 years, or should I just go ahead and put a down payment on the house now next year and pay it off with uh with the next couple years of working well there's nothing rushing you uh i didn't hear anything in the discussion that's rushing you how old are you it's 20 oh you said 20 i'm sorry did you live at home? I live with my grandparents. I'm paying them rent. They want me out in February. That's why I'm... Good for them.
Starting point is 00:16:49 Yeah. I like your grandpa. That's why I want to see if I should rent for a couple of years and just almost pay off the house. You dating anybody? No, I'm single. You going to school? I was in trade school. I don't have any debt. I don't have any car loans or anything. What's going to school? I'm trade. I was in trade school. I don't have any debt.
Starting point is 00:17:06 I don't have any card loans or anything. What's your trade school? What are you studying? I do welding. I already graduated. I have a full-time job. I make military tanks. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:17:16 That a boy, Travis. Good job, man. All right. So here's the deal. Yeah, you can go and buy a house if you want, or you can wait. Either one. You're in good and good shape financially. You're young enough, it would be okay to go rent for a year.
Starting point is 00:17:30 There's nothing wrong with that. And use that year to build up even some more cash. No harm in that either. You would only be 21 when you bought your house, and that's still very young. And, you know, there's no harm in that no harm in buying a house when you're young but there's nothing that says you're brilliant for doing it young i will tell you as a young single guy that when you meet that lady and marry her you will discover you have purchased the wrong home and you'll get to move again and you decorated it terrible you
Starting point is 00:18:01 know what we know that for sure you didn't decorate it but um i mean where did you get this furniture but um yeah that's that's gonna happen but that's okay that's not the end of the world you can sell it and move again and make some money on it i suppose right is the market there fairly good can you move a house yeah it's pretty high i was i was wondering because i know you said like this is kind of like the 2008 era of the house market. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. Opposite, yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:31 Travis, if I'm you, brother, I would rent for a year. I would let somebody else fix my sink and my shower where I just hustled and grinded out. Pile up some money. Made a bunch of money. Let the market cool off. You might purchase a different house after you've been a renter for a year than you would purchase now. I think you'll gain some wisdom. That's what I would do.
Starting point is 00:18:49 Feel free, man. I think I would. Neither one we're going to put you in the stupid column. But I think probably a little bit wiser would be let's rent for a year. I like the idea of being old enough to buy champagne on the day you buy your house. That sounds good, right? This is the Ramsey Solutions on the debt-free stage, Kelsey and Robbie are with us. Hey, guys, how are you?
Starting point is 00:19:48 Good, how are you? We're awesome. Welcome. Where do you all live? Dallas, Texas. Ah, welcome to Nashville. Happy week of Thanksgiving. Good to have you.
Starting point is 00:19:56 And up here to do a debt-free scream, how much did you pay off? $44,900. All right. And how long did that take? 26 months. Good for you. And your And how long did that take? 26 months. Good for you. And your range of income during that time? $91,000 up to $103,000 and then down to $81,000.
Starting point is 00:20:12 Cool. All right. What do you guys do for a living? I'm a veterinary assistant. And I'm a product manager and backend developer for a mobile gaming company. Good for you. Good. So what kind of debt was this $45,000?
Starting point is 00:20:25 It was mostly mine, student loan debt, just a couple thousand of medical. Mm-hmm. Okay. How long have you all been married? Seven years. Seven years. So five years into your marriage almost, four and a half years, something happened and you decided we're going to check out this Ramsey stuff.
Starting point is 00:20:42 Tell us your Ramsey story. What happened? Well, our daughter who's here with us was born. Plans around her birth kind of changed, and so we had to kind of come together and refocus some things. I'm the nerd. She's the free spirit. And so trying to figure out how to get her on board with things
Starting point is 00:21:02 is kind of like the first start of everything, but she's ultimately the one that was like okay i've been listening to you know ramsey on podcast and everything we need to get you know serious and focused and i was like all right finally like you know let's let's go let's do it that's accurate yeah so so uh how did you find us on the radio robert oh so uh we we kind of always knew about you my parents uh had uh hosted some financial peace university classes okay growing up so i was a financial peace baby um but uh we finally took it seriously and stopped being fake adults and got with it what happened around the birth, so we had planned for a home birth and had gone through all the steps of doing that.
Starting point is 00:21:49 And how long were you in labor? Three days. Three days? So ultimately we had to go to the hospital. Yeah, time to go to the hospital. Yeah. Which we had to budget for. About three days before that.
Starting point is 00:21:58 Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so insurance doesn't pay for hospital births, so we paid for that up front, and then we had to still insurance doesn't pay for hospital birth. So we paid that for that up front. And then we had to still turn around and go to the hospital. So it's like we paid double. Oh, wow. And so when we got that bill, we were, you know, it was like, ah.
Starting point is 00:22:16 And then I, you know, got sick a few months later and we had to go back to the hospital. And then so it was just like, you know, everything was just piling up. Yeah. Yeah. It was a snowball in the wrong direction yeah well you got the stress but you also have the new birth which always wakes you up and goes uh this just got real i gotta get serious now the first baby does that it kind of gives you the wake-up call right definitely yeah way to go, you guys. $45,000, boom, $2,000 a month. 26 months later, you're done. Yeah. One thing we wanted to talk about during the whole process of the 26 months,
Starting point is 00:22:56 the reason our income had gone up and gone down was because we did some side hustles. He did pizza delivery, like you always recommend and did that so he didn't have any days off for about six or seven months. We also did dog boarding in our home so like all of this past summer we had as many as nine dogs in our house.
Starting point is 00:23:18 That's a lot. But everybody wanted to get out and go on vacation this summer since things were opening up. Yeah. You were happy to take their money. Exactly. Yes.
Starting point is 00:23:28 Yes. And so we did that. I also, when our income went back down, that's due to I had a career change. So I decided during COVID that I didn't want to be in sales anymore. I wanted to go back to school to do my passion, which is veterinary work. So I'm a veterinary work. So I'm a veterinary assistant right now. I work at a vet's office, and I'm in school to become a licensed veterinary nurse.
Starting point is 00:23:53 Oh, wow. And we're cash-filling that. Very good. Very good. Okay, what was the best month of dog boarding? What's the most money you made in a month dog boarding? Oh, my gosh. There's a picture up there um so i think well i don't know about a full month but over like june july august we made uh three
Starting point is 00:24:14 thousand dollars yeah so like a thousand dollars a month okay what was your best month delivering pizza um probably close to that i mean nothing really miraculous happened it was just you know determination and focus yeah another thing on ground oh yes another thing that like uh was a bump in the road was um was it last summer yeah so it was actually get like closer to the spring of 2020 like right after things started shutting down. Yeah. Our AC unit went out. Of course. Of course it did. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:48 Yeah. But that was right when the first relief was coming in. Plus we had a little bit in our account and we were able to cash flow an entire new AC unit because of this program, which is crazy. Right. Well, before that, you know, when that happened, it was going to be like $12,000 to get a new AC for our house. And everybody was telling us,
Starting point is 00:25:09 just get a credit card and you can pay it off and this and that. And we were just really firm with, no, we're not doing that. We will live through the summer in Texas without air conditioning because we are not getting another credit card to do that. Um, so that when the, um, government relief came in, I felt like that was just a blessing that we were trusting the plan and it came at just the right time and we were able to negotiate a cash deal as well much less than that
Starting point is 00:25:33 what do you tell people the key to getting out of debt is stick to the plan and follow it do the baby steps and don't be baby going to have to say no to a lot of things, but ultimately that will allow you to say yes to a lot of things. Was it worth it? Definitely.
Starting point is 00:25:52 Will you go back in debt? No. They were ready to walk through a Texas summer with no air conditioning. People say, I was ready to walk through hell. That's not as hot as a Texas summer with no air conditioning. So, man, y'all are ready to go through it. I'm proud of you.
Starting point is 00:26:07 Way to go, guys. Way to go, heroes. Well done. We got a copy of the Legacy Journey for you. That's the next chapter in your story to go on and become Baby Steps millionaires. You're on your way to do that. And a copy of the Total Money Makeover for you to give away to someone, pay it forward, and maybe they can start their journey like you guys did.
Starting point is 00:26:25 So very, very proud of you. And you brought your daughter. What is her name and age? Her name is Autumn, and she's three. All right. Ready for a debt-free scream from Texas. Oh, she's beautiful. Look at that.
Starting point is 00:26:37 Look at her. Cute as a button. That's fun. All right. It's Autumn, Kelsey, and Robbie from Dallas, Texas. $45,000 paid off in 26 months, making 91 to 103 to 81. Lots of side hustles. Count it down.
Starting point is 00:26:51 Let's hear a debt-free scream. All right, three, two, one. We're debt-free! Yay! Yeah! Look at that. Wow, that smiles. Look at that wow that smiles look at that that's how you change a family tree right there autumn she's not old enough that she will remember this but she will have now grown up in a family that doesn't borrow money and i grow up in a family that goes on to become wealthy and grow
Starting point is 00:27:22 up in a family that has outrageous generosity because they have the means to be outrageous. And grows up in a family that knows for seven or eight months we can do anything. Grows up in a house where mom says, you know what? I'm worth more than going to a job that I hate. I'm going to do something that I love and I'm going to put in the time and effort. She's going to grow up with a totally different ethos in that home. You know what I mean? It started with the baby steps. It all changed in the last 30 months.
Starting point is 00:27:47 Yeah, man. In the middle of COVID. Yeah. In the middle of all the stuff, you know, and you still got to make these decisions and go, all right, Texas heat, bring it on. And God says, okay, I got your back. A strange conversation with a therapist one day thinking, saying, I just have these memories of dogs everywhere
Starting point is 00:28:05 her therapist will make up some ridiculous response but it was true but it actually it was true salmonella got out of there it was the summer we made three grand with nine dogs dogs and pizza everywhere. Dogs eating pizza. Congratulations, y'all. Oh, fun stuff. Very fun. Well, that's how you do it, folks. You just set your mind to it, and you set aside what other people think, and you say, I'm going to endure whatever I have to endure for a short period of time.
Starting point is 00:28:42 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but it yields a harvest of righteousness. This is The Ramsey Show. Thank you. Dr. John Deloney Ramsey personality is my co-host this hour. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Here at Ramsey Solutions, we are on a mission to transform so many lives that we disrupt this toxic culture. What's that mean? Well, imagine a world where it's weird to have a student loan. Imagine a world where it's normal to pay cash for your car. Imagine a world where the credit card is the cigarette of the financial world because it is imagine a world where people were working jobs
Starting point is 00:30:13 that they love because of ken coleman's materials imagine a world where people were able to have quality relationships and less anxiety because they were hanging out with dr john deloney's material, and so on. Hey, imagine what it would be like to be a part of the team that's causing all that to happen. We've got a little over 1,000 folks, about 1,060 working here today, and we create digital products and services that transform people's lives. It's absolutely happening. If you want to join this crusade, we're on the hunt for some developers,
Starting point is 00:30:51 dev ones, dev twos, dev threes. If you're a UX designer or SEO or content marketing specialist or data analyst, yeah, we've got about 500 people just like you here and that are very smart. And we'd love to have you join that team. We've got a lot of things happening here. And when you write a line of code here, it actually changes somebody's life find out about the positions that are open at ramsey solutions.com slash careers ramsey solutions.com slash careers our question of the day comes from blinds.com find out for yourself why blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window coverings you get free free shipping, and with the new promos they run every month, you'll save even more. Use the promo code RAMSY to get the best possible deal. All right, today's question comes from Becky in Pennsylvania.
Starting point is 00:31:38 Becky writes, I found out six weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for most of our marriage. I confronted him about this, and we're both seeing counselors at our church. It says, to do our budget meeting and it did not end well. I feel like he's very controlling in our finances and I don't trust him at all yet. Should we dip into our emergency fund to help pay for the counseling or use the money from selling the business to help us get through this time? Whew, Dave, what? You go first.
Starting point is 00:32:21 Nope, I'll go first. I feel like something, I feel like this blew up and they responded to a blow up with another blow up and they're making a bunch of real quick snap decisions and they're sprinting and sprinting trying to catch up with the problem they just need to stop for a minute turn all the lights on and say that that party is over we need to figure out where we're at yeah um okay yeah that would not be a bad first step and yes you spend money on counseling before you spend money on hanging on you're not you don't have to hang on he got a job shut up you you can hang on um so um what i look for in these things, and sadly, in doing financial coaching one-on-one,
Starting point is 00:33:10 trying to do the budget, and you just can't get the budget to work, and you can't get them to work together, and the more you force into it, the more you figure out something is going on that's not showing up here on the paper. It's hard to put girlfriend as a line item in a budget yes it really doesn't work well and when you actually have money going out over here to secret life then your budget is not going to balance and if you're controlling and you're having a power play on the budget, I'm always suspicious that he's not back to his old tricks. Gotcha.
Starting point is 00:33:50 That's why he blew up. Gotcha. Because she was calling him out because the money's not showing up. Where's the money? And girlfriend's not an acceptable line on the budget for most wives. For most? You know, it just doesn't work for most wives huh you know for most you know it just doesn't it doesn't it doesn't work for most people so um that's uh uh yeah and so usually when someone particularly the husband is extremely
Starting point is 00:34:16 controlling on the money there's other control issues in the relationship there's other deceptions in the relationship there's other thingsceptions in the relationship there's other things it can be the wife too if she's just an overbearing you know test pilot for a broom factory it can be the same thing going on right i read that this way that he got busted it's a big deal it all blows up and the response was well then we're selling everything you're getting a new job you're doing this you're doing this you're doing this you're doing this and he kind of got to the end of it and he got he goes i've repented enough i'm not i'm not but it's over the budget right well he's very controlling of our finances that i'm just i don't know we're reading it we're
Starting point is 00:34:54 reading into an email we don't have any idea but it reminds me of it reminds me of you know high school an english class you can kind of get to your answer math class it was there was one right answer and you can it's not an essay question right you can fudge your way through no we're on the same page we're doing good we're doing good that budget says are you in or you out and neither of them i don't think are in here yeah neither of them she's got yes to answer your question you can't afford let's spend a little bit of money on counseling before we spend a lot of money on divorce court. Agreed. So, yes.
Starting point is 00:35:30 Agreed. And spend a little bit of money on counseling, and you won't even miss it because everything else will start to work right if the counseling is working right. Right. So, I feel like he's very controlling, warning sign. I do not trust him at all yet. Well, you shouldn't. Right. Yet.
Starting point is 00:35:48 The way trust is recovered is with lengthy periods of time of being trustworthy. Right. Worthy of trust. Right now what we have is a lengthy period of time of not being worthy of trust. And he's been trustworthy. You would be insane to trust him. He hasn't been trustworthy this whole marriage. That's what I mean.
Starting point is 00:36:05 Yeah. So why would you insane to trust him. He hasn't been trustworthy this whole marriage. That's what I mean. Yeah. So why would you suddenly start trusting him? Because he repented and we went to two counseling sessions at the church? No. You wouldn't be a sane human being if you trusted him based on that. It takes a little while to recover that. And the old marriage you had is over. Period.
Starting point is 00:36:19 Well, you didn't have one. Right. You didn't have one. But what you thought was there is over. The way forward is not to... The fantasy you thought you had. Not to get back to what you had. You've got to recreate something new. You've got to reimagine it, re-envision it, rebuild something new.
Starting point is 00:36:30 You could do it together and make it strong and beautiful and great and wonderful and all those things, but you've got to know we're going this way. We're not going to be able to reclaim what was. So I'll tell you this. I feel like – and I'm old and I've walked with a whole bunch of friends and other people uh through this process of divorce and this process of bankruptcy both and i tell people in both of those instances i have never with the exception of domestic violence i have never told someone you need to get a divorce uh and i've never told someone they need to file bankruptcy uh because i don't want
Starting point is 00:37:01 them filing and go because dave ramsey said no you needed to make that's a big girl big boy decision you make on your own not because somebody told you and made it okay that's right uh and the only thing i will tell you on either one both are life-changing tragedies and anyone who minimizes either is full of crap. They're both horrible to go through. Bankruptcy, divorce. So that's one of the reasons I don't give people the Dave Ramsey permission to do that. You get to make your own permission. I'll still be your friend if you go through it. I'm not going to be mad at you, but you're not going to do it because I said.
Starting point is 00:37:41 I'm going to give you that authority. So you have to make your own big girl and then the other thing i always tell you is if you get to the end of this and you have done everything you can try and then one more thing you won't live with regret right i look back on filing bankruptcy almost 30 years ago now and i'm not proud of it it is still a mark of shame but as a 28 year old kid at the time after fighting it for two and a half years my tank was empty intellectually spiritually emotionally i got babies in the house i was scared i didn't know what to do i had done everything i knew to do and then i waited another two months. And so I don't look back on that and go, that guy was weak of character and just walked out.
Starting point is 00:38:29 I did everything I knew how to do. My level of regret for that is almost zero. So my ability to forgive myself and move on is really high. And that's what you want if you're going to do this divorce. You want to have tried everything. So, yes, try the counseling. Yes, try to meet with the church. Yes, try all that but
Starting point is 00:38:45 bozo's got a long track record of being a bozo here right he's not an honest person hasn't it's not got you know so you got a long hill to climb for him to be trustworthy and for you to trust him and uh very controlling over our finances warning Warning, warning, warning. Just reading between the lines on an email. That's what we do here on The Ramsey Show. Have a friend or family member that needs a daily dose of Ramsey advice in their life? Let them know about the Ramsey Call of the Day podcast. It's a quick hit of advice about life and money in under 10 minutes.
Starting point is 00:39:38 Check out the Ramsey Call of the Day podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.

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