The Ramsey Show - App - How Much Space Do I Give a Grieving Friend? (Hour 2)

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

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Starting point is 00:00:00 🎵 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studios, it's The Ramsey Show, where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. I'm Dave Ramsey, your host, Dr. John Deloney. Ramsey Personality, best-selling author, is my co-host today. Open phones as we take your calls about your life and your money. Anything going on in your life, Dr. Deloney, his podcast is extremely popular these days. Join him on that.
Starting point is 00:01:05 And he talks about everything in the world in the mental health field, but certainly about boundaries and relationships and marriage issues, all those kinds of things. And you're welcome to join us with those today as well. 888-825-5225. Thomas in San Diego starts off this hour. Hey, Thomas, how are you? I'm doing great. How are you doing?
Starting point is 00:01:26 Better than I deserve. How can we help you? So I actually have, well, I have lots of questions, but today my question is for Dr. John. Bring them all on, Thomas. So a couple months ago, a friend of mine, a good friend, he was working for his dad, living with his parents, and something happened. It wasn't entirely his fault, but his dad kicked him out and fired him. He was not in a good situation. And last Wednesday, one of his best friends died in a car accident. And so he's 19. He doesn't have a job right now. He's staying with his friends. And I, you know, I've been trying to encourage him, you know, offered him a place to stay.
Starting point is 00:02:13 I am just wondering how long I should wait to talk to him about, you know, finding a job and kind of getting his life back on track. How old are you? I'm 18. Okay. What are you doing these days, man? I'm actually a welder. I make about $50,000 a year. I just got engaged, so I should be getting married next year.
Starting point is 00:02:40 Wow. And, yeah. Well, you're a good friend, man. You're doing good, and he's lucky to have you. So here's my experience and thoughts on this, and I'd love to hear Dave's too. The unfortunate thing about grief is, Kessler says it's like a fingerprint. Everybody does it differently. And so really the greatest gift you can give someone who's grieving the loss of a friend is your presence.
Starting point is 00:03:15 What we often try to do is make ourselves feel more comfortable in that silence, in that darkness. And we try to give a bunch of advice. And you should be doing this. And here's how you should be feeling. And really, man, people just need to show up. As he says, grief demands a witness. You've got to have people around you. What I've found is that people will invite you in when you show up,
Starting point is 00:03:31 meaning they will eventually at some point, usually sooner rather than later, turn to you and say, hey, what do I do now? And when you get invited into that conversation is when I'd love you to come work for me or I've got a spot for you. I know a buddy who's got a restaurant. You can get a part-time gig or something. Running at somebody who's hurting, especially their friend just died the other day and saying, well, you need to, you need to, you need to. I haven't found that to be super successful. Even though you know, man, just
Starting point is 00:03:57 laying around the house is going to be hard. Grief just looks ugly and messy and different for everybody. Now, if you look up and it's six months and it's a year and he's couch surfing and he's losing weight or gaining weight, that's when a group of friends will get together and say, hey, we're worried about you. We're really struggling to know how to love you. What do you need from us? But right now, fresh off the back of something, I would show up and be a presence with him. What do you think, Dave? All right.
Starting point is 00:04:25 Yeah, we call that the ministry of presence. And the last thing you do is you quote some pithy saying or some Bible verse. I want you to just go sit and don't say a freaking word. Bring tacos. Yeah, bring donuts. Yeah. Chocolate covered. And they're good for grief.
Starting point is 00:04:50 And they're good for you sitting there quiet, too, because you've got something in your mouth. Yeah, just keep shoving them in, man. Yeah, keep your mouth shut. And then if he asks a question, I would just turn it back on him. I wouldn't even answer his question. What do you think I ought to do? What do you think you ought to do? What do you think you ought to do? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:07 You think I ought to get a job? You think you ought to get a job? Yeah. Just turn it back on him, because he already knows the answer. So this kid's got, this young man has more than just grief from the loss of his friend. He's also really pissed off at his dad. Right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:23 And hurt about all of that so he's got like stuff upon stuff right now so again just hanging out and bring tacos bring donuts and that kind of stuff i completely agree with john um now here's a necessity thing too he also doesn't have the luxury of doing nothing right financially for a long period of time. And sometimes the faster you engage in some activities, not to mask over your grief, but to get over yourself and realize this whole thing may not be all about you, the faster you get on with it and go get a job, it gives you something to do and keeps your mind busy a little bit.
Starting point is 00:06:07 And that's not to go through a proper grieving process, but, I mean, what if he'd had a job and his friend died? Well, he can't quit his job and sit and cry. He's going to keep working and still go through the grieving process. So, by the way, he could go get a job, and really it would help him right now because it would give him one less thing to worry about because he's also sitting around worried about where he's going to live and how he's going to eat because his dad booted him out. And self-preservation is starting to enter into this. Like when we went broke, John, lost everything, they were like, you know, what did you do after bankruptcy?
Starting point is 00:06:42 I didn't work. You got to. I didn't have a choice. I had two little babies. I got to get the dadgum lights. You got to. I didn't have a choice. I had two little babies. I got to get the dadgum lights on. You know, I didn't have a choice. I didn't have time to sit around and think about what was going on. I just had to make some money right then.
Starting point is 00:06:54 And there's something about those little wins that are so critical. Well, you build your confidence. You can begin to work through that, A, it's not all about you, and, B, you know, you didn't cause it all or what i mean you begin to you can you you can you you still can process the psychology of it uh in action while you're in act while you're in movement yeah yeah but there's those moments when you just your feet feel like they've been encased in concrete yep and you yep yeah and what you need more than anything is i love it no nothing that could be knitted on a pillow yes i just need you to sit
Starting point is 00:07:31 with me i can give you three scriptures to never use just sit with me and never use them yeah ever ever ever in that situation you know i can just don't don't these are not there everybody wants to quote that it's going to be okay because they want you to be okay. They mean well, but it's just... Looking for silver linings isn't the point. They emerge over time. Yeah. After... Please don't tell me how this is all going to work out.
Starting point is 00:07:52 Yeah. No, no, no. I need you just to sit and hurt with me. Thomas, he is really fortunate to have you in his life. I'll tell you that right now. He's blessed to have you. Just sit up and show up and be awkward. And so, John, entering into this, give me 15 seconds on this.
Starting point is 00:08:08 One of the antidotes for depression is activity. You're right. Purposeful activity. Yeah. So to not fall into depression as a result of all these things happening to this guy, some activity is not bad. Sometimes it's as simple as getting up and brushing your teeth and going back to bed. Sometimes you work towards it. But, yeah, find people around you. Sometimes it's going to work. Sometimes it's exercise regime as getting up and brushing your teeth and going back to bed. Sometimes you work towards it. But, yeah, finding people around you.
Starting point is 00:08:27 Sometimes it's going to work. Sometimes it's exercise regime. That's exactly right. Activity is better than inactivity. Almost 99% of the time. There we go. This is The Ramsey Show. You've got a lot on your plate, a job, your home, your marriage, and your growing family. While you're enjoying the present, you can't help but think about your future and your finances.
Starting point is 00:09:02 As you explore your options, consider Christian Healthcare Ministries, or CHM, for your healthcare. Their generous maternity program and budget-friendly monthly programs have been a blessing to members welcoming children into their families. Visit chministries.org slash budget to see if it's right for you.
Starting point is 00:09:19 That's chministries.org slash budget. This is the Ramsey Show. It's about your life and making it better. Thanks for being with us. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Dr. John Deloney is my co-host today. Anna is with us in Houston. Hi, Anna. How are you?
Starting point is 00:09:49 I'm good. How are you doing, Dave? Better than I deserve. What's up? So, I found you about, oh gosh, maybe a month ago. I've got a question, I guess. I lost my husband about four months ago. Oh, I'm so sorry, Anna. Thank you. You know, just dealing with everything. He had a 401k account with his work that's
Starting point is 00:10:15 been, I guess, converted to an IRA. I have some savings in, you know, my own 401k. I've gone through the baby steps and I'm, don my dad, putting money away for retirement, all that good stuff the only thing left is the house at this point so I don't know if it makes sense to keep the IRA and for my 401k as is and let it do what it needs to do and just start paying down my debt out of my house I guess, out just my regular paychecks or cash some of it out. But then there's taxes and whatnot due on that money to do that.
Starting point is 00:10:54 Or is it just, you know, so instead I just pay down the house as I go along? How old are you? 41. What? 41. 41. 41. Oh, okay. I thought you? 41. What? 41. 41. Oh, okay. I thought you said 21.
Starting point is 00:11:10 So what happened? What happened to him? Cancer. Oh, I'm sorry. Long fight? About two years. Yeah. He fought it.
Starting point is 00:11:20 He fought it, you know, to the end. Yeah. I'm sorry. It was tough. How long were you all married? 16 years, 16 and a half, actually. And how much debt do you have, not counting your house? Nothing, nothing, everything.
Starting point is 00:11:37 Oh, it's just the house? No debt, just the house. And how much is in the 401Ks and retirement and all that? His was $150, mine is $100. Okay. What do you make? About $140. Good for you.
Starting point is 00:11:55 What do you do? I'm in finance, actually. Okay. And what do you owe on your home? $300. Okay. So his $150 rolled to an inherited IRA, correct? Correct, yes.
Starting point is 00:12:12 Okay. So it can come out without any penalties but with taxes at any time, by the way. Right, that's what they told me. Yeah, at any time. Yeah, that's what they told me to do. And you're also required to remove it systematically over the next so many years. They have a required minimum distribution on systematically over the next so many years. They have a required minimum distribution on it, and they just changed it. I can't think what it is off the top of my head, but it's like five years or something.
Starting point is 00:12:34 You're going to be pulling it anyway. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Okay, thank you. They just changed it about 18 months ago. And it used to be like over 30 years, but now it's over maybe 10 years, but it's a shorter period of time. Anyway. And you got children?
Starting point is 00:12:51 I have a son, yes. What age? 13. Okay. All right. And you have other savings other than these two accounts? I have an emergency fund set aside in like a savings account um and just you know cash like you know in and out whatever's in the bank um well i can tell you this sharon and i've been married almost 40 years um
Starting point is 00:13:19 our estate plan is predicated on me dying first because she has planned it that way. But in case that doesn't happen, I'll tell you how I'm going to react. I'm going to be useless for a while if she were to pass away before me. And 16 years is not that much different. It's just you have some days that are okay and other days you still can't breathe, right? Yes, exactly right. Yeah. And so I try not to make big financial decisions until I get at least six months of that behind me to where I can breathe better and the fog on my brain lifts a little bit.
Starting point is 00:14:01 The good news is there's nothing rushing this decision. And so you can take that inherited IRA without penalties and do it two years from now, two months from now, two days from now, if you want, and put it on this house. You don't have to decide today. And since you don't have to decide today, I'm going to recommend you try not to decide today. Okay. And just give yourself some room to cry, John. Yeah, there's going to be this pressure to wrap a bow around all of this, and
Starting point is 00:14:31 Anna, that's not how this grief's going to play out for you. Okay? You're going to want to come back. You're going to want to, yeah, you're going to want to come back to the spreadsheets and to, I need to do this, I need to do this, I need to do this. And there's a difference between I need to and I have to. And right now you don't have to deal with this.
Starting point is 00:14:50 And I'm with Dave six months to a year. What you don't have to do, don't touch it right now. Yeah. And then, you know, at that point you may be, there may be something else opening up in front of you and you may go, I want to reach over and try to get this house paid off. That's my next big financial goal, which is not a bad goal at all that and the kids college are your only two goals left that are substantial goals and i want you to hit both of them and you're gonna hit both of them you make really good money you're gonna be just fine there's nothing there's no question about your survivability here i mean in terms of financial you've got plenty
Starting point is 00:15:24 of money so you make got plenty of money to, you make good money, you got some money and you don't have any debt. And so you've just, you're in a really, really good place. And in regard to that, there was no life insurance.
Starting point is 00:15:35 No, no, no life insurance. Is that right? Correct. Okay. All right. Okay.
Starting point is 00:15:41 So I'm just making sure I wasn't missing something here, but, but I think still, yeah, let's just ride it a little while. And just put it in your calendar that in January you're going to begin to think about it and pray about it again. In the meantime, you're just going to live and cry. And, Anna, remember when you were pregnant with your little one, how much nonsensical, unhelpful, but good intended advice you got from everybody at the grocery store. It doesn't matter, right? Somebody saw somebody pregnant and they had some advice for you.
Starting point is 00:16:14 It's been similar, hasn't it? About you need to be doing this. Have you thought about this, right? There is not a right way to do this except your way through this. Okay? And love that baby of yours and um you are strong and brilliant and powerful y'all been fighting for two years this raging river will turn into a creek at some point and it's not going to be tomorrow
Starting point is 00:16:36 and so there's not a right way to do it get some people around you and walk every day make those decisions later okay i'll just say your son was again? Thirteen. Thirteen. Perfect. Yeah. Okay, so what I want you guys to do, I'm going to give you Ramsey Plus for a year. Oh, thank you. And I want, it's where you can learn how to handle money.
Starting point is 00:16:56 You probably already know how. But you can go through Financial Peace University. You can get on the EveryDollar. And you can train him. Let him go through it with you. This is going to be a new adventure that you all can do together. And you can both learn how to handle money. You can train him, and you can get polished up if you already know how.
Starting point is 00:17:14 And, you know, as Christians, we're supposed to take care of widows, and I am. So we're going to take care of you today. And you hang on. Kelly will pick up. We'll put you into Ramsey Plus. That gives you Financial Peace University, Legacy Journey, Smart Money, Smart Kids. It gives you all the classes. It also gives you every dollar.
Starting point is 00:17:29 It gives you community. It gives you access to coaches and get questions answered. But don't do that out of feeling a pressure to. This is just kind of part of you getting some more tools in your belt while you're spending this year healing. And as we talked about with the last call, no pun intended, but it's a little baby step in a new direction of a thing, right? And it's something you can do together. And it's just, hey, let's watch a video tonight.
Starting point is 00:17:53 Let's do some of the assignments. Let's begin to slowly take these crooked steps in a new direction towards a new adventure. And suddenly you'll look up nine weeks, two, three months later, and you've got a little bit taller. You've got a new relationship adventure that you've just joined in with your son. It's a whole new direction here. Yeah. A 13-year-old can definitely graduate from this class. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:13 And he'll remember doing it with mom. Yeah. During a really shadowed season. In the year from hell. That's right. Yeah. But it set me up to be a man. That's right.
Starting point is 00:18:22 And mom helped guide me through that. That's right. So that's cool. Yeah. That's good stuff. Hey, Anna, you call us anytime be a man. That's right. And Mom helped guide me through that. That's right. So that's cool. Yeah. That's good stuff. Hey, Anna, you call us anytime we can help. We're here. Anytime you've got a question, babe, we're here.
Starting point is 00:18:32 And we've got your back, and we'll help you any way we can. So hang on. Kelly will pick up, and we'll get you guys signed up for that. The little boy's lucky to have you, Anna. You know. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey Personality, is my co-host today in the lobby of Ramsey Solutions on the debt-free stage. Sarah and Adam are with us. Hey, guys, how are you? Doing well, how are you doing? Welcome, welcome. Where do you guys live? Chattanooga.
Starting point is 00:19:43 Oh, just down the road. Not a bad run to Nashville. Well, good to have you. Up here to do a debt-free scream. How much have you paid off? We paid off $70,000 in 17 months. Good for you. And what was your range of income during those 17 months? We started at $120,000 and ended at $130,000.
Starting point is 00:20:00 Good for you guys. What do you all do for a living? I'm an assistant project manager at a general contractor, and she's in the audit CPA at a firm. Oh, very cool. Good for you guys. What do y'all do for a living? I'm an assistant project manager at a general contractor and she's in the audit CPA at a firm. Oh, very cool. Good. Good. So what kind of debt was this? 70,000. All student loans, all mine. All student loans, all mine. He owned it. He owned it all the way. She gave him a quick glance at their eyes when you asked that question. A little bit of an elbow went across there, but not much. It's good. Alright, good. Very good. So how long have you guys been married? Two years last week, actually. Okay. So first order
Starting point is 00:20:30 of business, we get married. You marry the girl in the audit department. She says we're getting out of debt, I'm guessing. Pretty much. Yeah, we had to cash flow a car for him and then we had to cash flow my last semester of grad school, but then we got on it. Okay. So lean in and knock it out. Yes yes and you did
Starting point is 00:20:45 it fast that's pretty impressive i mean y'all are dialed it in didn't you you did okay so tell me the story how'd all this happen i was guessing but i wasn't far off uh so basically she had gone on i think it's pinterest and found a debt chain yeah and uh we tracked it thousand dollar increments and that was a good visual aspect of it. And we just basically kept living since we had just graduated college. We kept living like we were in college, and just every extra dime we put towards the debt. Very cool. Good, good. And how did you all connect to us?
Starting point is 00:21:16 So I actually had a friend that got your Total Money Makeover book for high school graduation, and she didn't read it, I don't't think but she let me take it to the beach on vacation and so i read it and i lived on a budget in college and paid cash for mine anyway so i was following the plan and then we were dating and then i figured out how much student loan daddy had so we know we were going to tackle it when we got married so just kind of so how long had you been dating before you disclosed before you disclosed this adam then we broke up then we got back together and uh it was only a couple months before she knew about it so okay all right and so what was it like when she told you we're doing this but we're doing it the analyst way?
Starting point is 00:22:07 I was kind of scared to ask her to help me almost. I offered. I was like, we can wait until I have it paid off. But that would have been several years down the road. She was like, no, we're going to do it as a team, do it together. I didn't want to wait that long. Y'all are fun. This is great.
Starting point is 00:22:24 It's good to have these discussions with you because you're the other side of it and have won now. But there's couples out there listening that are dating and, like, he doesn't want to tell her he's got $70,000 in debt because he figures he's dead right there. Or they're married and she feels like they're drowning and he's, like, looking at another truck to trade up in and she doesn't know how to have this conversation. So how did you do it? Take all the audience back to that moment when you looked across whatever table and you said, this is what we're going to do. I got $70,000 in debt. I don't know. We weren't going to get married if he wasn't willing to do it, honestly.
Starting point is 00:23:03 That's what I'm saying. We would have waited like if he wasn't on the same page that could have possibly been a deal breaker yeah financial peace university was actually one of the things that we did in pre-marital counseling oh you did so okay that was really the big step and whenever we decided we were going to lock down and really do it brother you married so well. Man. Wow. This is so good, you guys. What a great way to do pre-marriage counseling, too.
Starting point is 00:23:31 I'm sure you learned a lot, both of you. Oh, yeah. And about working together and pushing the whole thing through. Almost as much as being on a beach vacation and looking over and seeing your face on the cover of the book she's reading. It's like, oh, man, you't you really? You're not supposed to be on vacation here. But, I mean, like, yeah. Wow, very cool, you guys. So now that you've done it, congratulations.
Starting point is 00:23:54 You're incredible. Proud of you. What advice do you have to somebody that's facing that? They're brand new married. They got a pile of debt. What's the key to getting out of debt? What did you all do that you think made the big difference? Just keep that gazelle intensity. You know, you might have to sacrifice knocking out to eat with your friends,
Starting point is 00:24:13 just cooking at home, you know, rice, chicken, and hot sauce, you know, cheap meals and keep on doing it. That doesn't sound bad. Better than beans and rice. Exactly. Yeah. I would say a lot of people have asked. We did share when we became debt-free on social media.
Starting point is 00:24:28 And a lot of people messaged me and they want there to be the secret. And there's really no secret. It's sacrificing and discipline and then obviously the budget and then being on the same page with your spouse if you're married. It's just you have to be there. Yeah, definitely the communication aspect of it. Once a week, two or three times a month, just talking about it, laying out the land, like how you're going to there yeah definitely the communication aspect of it you know once a week two or three times a month just talking about it laying out the land like how you're going to do it for the next few weeks taking those links off that chain yeah one at a
Starting point is 00:24:53 time here we go that's so fun very cool so how would you rate your marriage compared to your buddies right now you have no debt y'all worked together on a long-term project y'all both smiled so tell me about it i mean there's we have friends that have great marriages, and then obviously there are friends that we can see. It's a little rocky, but we think we're up there with the strongest of them. Yeah, I think this has really strengthened our communication, not just about money, but everything. I feel like we really communicate really well. Yeah. How old are you guys?
Starting point is 00:25:21 I'm 25. I'm 24. All right. Wow. Man, making $130 and no debt in the freaking world. They're going to be so rich. Oh, my goodness. It's going to be amazing.
Starting point is 00:25:33 I mean, we're talking tens of millions here. They don't even understand what the compound interest is going to do. That's awesome. You can see it on his face, though. He's slowly figuring it out. Yeah. He knew he married well when he met her, and he's like, hey, guys, she's going to actually go out with me. And then when he told his buddies that she was going to marry him, and now he's realizing, oh, we're going to have lots of commas and zeros, too.
Starting point is 00:25:56 Man, well played, dude. Well done. So who are your biggest cheerleaders? Family and friends. My in-laws are here today. All right. Yeah, they're here. And we have pretty much all of our friends were supportive.
Starting point is 00:26:08 We have some that like to make fun of us. Yeah. Well, that's good. But mostly they're supportive. If your broke friends are making fun of your financial plan, you're right on track. I've said that to you before. That's it. That's it.
Starting point is 00:26:20 That's a classic right there. Well, that's cool. Mom and Dad came up to support you. That means they were supporting you and cheering you on all the way through, and they're proud of you. We're proud of you. Congratulations. Thank you. Very, very well done.
Starting point is 00:26:31 We've got a copy of The Legacy Journey, which is the next step for you guys as you move into completely changing your future family tree. That'll make Mom and Dad real happy. I'm going to give you an extra copy of Total Money Makeover since you borrowed one at the beach. Okay. And I want you to pay it forward. Figure out somebody to loan it to on their beach vacation or give it to. Okay. And let's see if we can change another life or two.
Starting point is 00:26:54 So well done, you guys. Very well done. Sarah and Adam from Chattanooga, $70,000 paid off in 17 months, been married 24, did it $120,000 to $130,000 worth of income. Count it down. Let's hear a debt-free scream. Three, two, one. We're debt-free.
Starting point is 00:27:16 Yeah. Woo. Woo, woo, woo, woo. I love it. There's a handbook there for a bunch of singles that are thinking about who to marry. There was a whole bunch in that call. Oh, man. They're going to have a whole new marriage now where they can go out to dinner together.
Starting point is 00:27:36 Go to a movie. Chicken, rice, and hot sauce. Yeah. I know. They're going to get an entree now. It's going to be incredible. Maybe a dessert. And I don't know what was more amazing. Their journey or going to be incredible maybe a dessert and i don't know
Starting point is 00:27:45 what was more amazing their journey or the fact that you're on pinterest i didn't know that well i i probably have somebody that works here no i'm going with you i think dave ramsey's on pinterest yeah i i spent a lot of time every night my mind is blown in 10 actually i actually printed off personally those little chains um it was a little known secret of my other side there, John. You're so full of crap. I love it. You know I'm not on it. I can't even spell Pinterest.
Starting point is 00:28:11 Yes, you can. You're on it. You're on it. Sarah and Adam. It's a secret, Dave. Incredible. It's a secret, Dave. Yeah, the secret Dave is out.
Starting point is 00:28:19 But hey, I do. I want to go back. Sarah said, this meant something to me. This wedding wasn't going to happen. If he wasn't going to be a person, he's going to be. Well, and he said, I'll pay it all off before we get married. They both were like, they were addressing the issue. People don't address the issues when it messes up their marriage.
Starting point is 00:28:37 And then they did it together. They accelerated it. Boom. Touchdown. Bam. What a cool couple. They're heroes, man. You guys are heroes.
Starting point is 00:28:44 Well done. This is the Ramsey Show. What a cool couple. They're heroes, man. You guys are heroes. Well done. This is The Ramsey Show. If you are feeling stuck or disengaged in your current job, if you dread getting out of bed to go to work, if you're searching for a new job for any reason, our Get Hired livestream stream event live tomorrow night. That's why they call it a live stream. Tuesday, September 27th, tomorrow night, Mr. Ken Coleman will be teaching you. And Ramsey personality, bestselling author, number one bestselling author.
Starting point is 00:29:39 At this one night event, you'll learn how to get clear on what you do best how to get qualified for the job you want and then how to get connected and actually get the job it's time to take the next step toward doing the work you love no matter your situation there is hope tomorrow tuesday april 27th take control of your career start working toward what you were born to do. The Get Hired event, the Hired event. Text Hired to 33789. It's only $20. You can watch the stream.
Starting point is 00:30:15 It's going to be worth it. This guy, Ken, is an incredible communicator, incredible teacher. Text the word Hired to 33789. Kristen is in Charleston, South Carolina. Hi, Kristen. What's up? Hey, Dave. How are you?
Starting point is 00:30:30 Better than I deserve. How can we help? Hey, so I just sold my house today. I made a $21,000 profit from it, and this is the most money I've ever had in my whole life, and I want to put it directly into my savings account. But I just wanted advice on how I can continue to be in a good financial position and not be tempted to spend any of it. Congratulations.
Starting point is 00:30:57 How old are you? Thank you. I'm 25. How long have you owned this house? Since 2017. All right. You did good. I can hear her joy through house? Since 2017. All right. You did good. I can hear her joy through the phone.
Starting point is 00:31:08 Yeah. It's exciting. Good for you. It's a nice $21,000 check. Thank you. Send me $21,000. I'll get joyful, I can tell you. All day long, yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:15 That's good. So where are you going to live? Well, right now I'm renting an apartment with a roommate, but I plan once the lease is done to buy my own house again. Once the what is done? Once the lease is over with the apartment starting next year, I plan on buying my own house again. Okay, so you weren't living in this house? Oh, yes, I was living in the house.
Starting point is 00:31:46 How come you sold it? Unfortunately, I separated from my fiance. So the money was split in half. And now I'm staying with a roommate. And until this lease is done, I would like to buy my own house that's perfect next year love it okay and so um well here's what you do you you uh you can just keep it in a bank account that's all you need to do nothing fancy uh ask for your ask your local banker or your credit union to open you a money market account do not connect it to overdraft protection on your checking account.
Starting point is 00:32:26 Do not connect it to your ATM card. Do not have access to it unless you go to the branch and pull money out. That will keep you from accidentally impulsing when you see a couch on sale on the weekend. Right. And so you build some protections and make it a little bit hard to get to it. Does that make sense? Yes, sir, that makes perfect sense. You understand.
Starting point is 00:32:54 If it's connected to your checking account, you're going to have a tendency to, well, I want to buy something and I'll just keep writing checks, right? Right. And if you're ATM the same way. So just protect you from you, which is what you're concerned about. But the good news is you're already aware of that, so you're very unlikely to make this mistake. How long have you been separated? About two months.
Starting point is 00:33:19 Okay. So I would set up with your roommate. Is this a friend of yours? Yes. Yes, it is. Okay. Come up with some number because this grief is going to wave over you like being out at the beach. Okay?
Starting point is 00:33:34 And it will wave over in different seasons and at weird moments. You're going to be walking in from somewhere after having a great time, and you're going to feel like someone just dropped one of those heavy blankets over you. Okay? having a great time and it's just you're going to feel like someone just dropped one of those heavy blankets over you okay i want you to have some sort of agreement with your roommate that you will check in before you make a purchase over x dollars is that cool and that would be your accountability partner through this grieving process because i don't want you to use you're going to have twenty one thousand dollars sitting in the account and like dave said it's going to be so tempting just to go get that
Starting point is 00:34:05 dopamine hit and feel better go to the bank and you're just going to have to get a new car or have to get a new designer oodle dog or some kind of something go on some vacay whatever it is have have an accountability partner that you got to check in with okay i'll give you the number anything over three hundred dollars you have to check in how's your relation how's your relationship with your mom and dad? Oh, they're pretty decent. Okay. You might also have an agreement with them then.
Starting point is 00:34:34 Okay. And that's not you not being an adult. That's just somebody that loves you, that's kin to you, that you can check in with. That's not that you have to ask your mommy. That's not my point. But my point is the same thing John's doing is giving you accountability. And so one last thing. I don't get to do this very often.
Starting point is 00:34:52 Would you mind helping me with something? Yeah, sure. Would you talk to the audience out there? Because I catch a lot of grief when I tell people not to buy a house with people they're not married to because crap like happened to you happens would you talk to people out there that think about making the same mistake you did when you bought this house with this goob well um my advice would just be um make sure this is the person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with and make sure my advice is to get married that would be my advice. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:25 Because you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life. Right. I was 21 when I built this house. And I wish I would have, you know, I think it would have been a lot easier if I was married. And that would be my advice. Yeah. Don't buy a house with people you're not married to. That's what I tell people all the time, and people sometimes that are your age make fun of me because I'm an old grandpa.
Starting point is 00:35:54 But it's also, I have met with, over the 30 years of doing coaching, I've met with thousands of people in your situation. And the good news is the house sold and you're able to make money you made money and you're able to split the money and you're able to get away from this problem and get out of what a lawyer would call a partnership yeah a general partnership with no partnership documentation and so it turned out okay in the end you made it out with your skin intact and made a little money but uh to go with the heartbreak, you have to go with this disposition of assets as if there's a divorce, and yet there is no legal track to run the thing on.
Starting point is 00:36:30 The last thing you want to do when you're grieving is math. Right. Yep. That's the last thing you want to do, man. Yeah, that's exactly right. Whether you don't have life insurance, you don't have any number of things, man. Thank you, Kristen. Thank you, Kirsten.
Starting point is 00:36:44 Kirsten, i'm sorry for for sharing that but it's this is the reason it it doesn't always turn out like you think it's going to so get things in the right order don't buy a house until you're married with someone you are not married to um and so again she got blessed and got out of it without a problem and i'm happy she did i didn't i didn't want her to be punished or something like that but i am uh she said you know 21 years old yeah and uh and like we talked about earlier in a previous segment you got it all figured out when you're 21 right and you're 41 and when you're 51 and when you're 61 i have and i if i have on a much smaller scale i know you have man talking to folks in that same situation who are trying to split debt oh it's harsh it's it's a it's mayhem
Starting point is 00:37:33 yeah you couldn't you couldn't have a that conversation beforehand which led to this you know breakup trying to figure out who's going to take what debt and how you're going to split well you bought this on that credit card and you bought that. And the house, we have to write a check for it. Remember that time you used the mustard? Dude, it gets contentious and messy. Yeah. It's like breaking up with your roommate. Oh, because you are.
Starting point is 00:37:56 Yeah. Yeah. It's just a real problem. And we're seeing it at a pandemic level. But, yeah. Too soon, man. It's an epidemic anyway. And we're seeing it at a pandemic level. But, yeah. Too soon, man. It's an epidemic anyway.
Starting point is 00:38:10 It may not be a pandemic, but it's definitely an epidemic. Well, Kirsten, I'm glad you got out and you got some money. I appreciate the smile on your face for the $21,000. That's awesome. What a win. And you needed a win. I can hear it. I'm glad you got the win. And we want you to have a wonderful purchase of a home when that money is all still
Starting point is 00:38:26 sitting there and you've added some to it still in the account and it's still in the account you've added some to it and uh your lease runs out and you're able to do that so most excellent very cool thank you for joining us kiddo that puts this hour of the ramsey show in the books our thanks to dr john deloney my co-host this hour, James Childs, our producer, Kelly Daniel, our associate producer and phone screener. I am Dave Ramsey, your host. We'll be back. Did you know you can listen to The Ramsey Show on your smart speaker? Just tell Alexa, Google Assistant, or Siri to play The Ramsey Show podcast. Check out all Ramsey Network shows on your smart speaker today.

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