The Ramsey Show - App - How To Know When Change Is Worth The Risk (Hour 2)

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

Rachel Cruze & John Delony discuss: How to walk through substance abuse with your spouse, How to assess when a job change is beneficial, When selling your vehicle could be a smart move, How you should plan for moving expenses, Managing insurance settlements for your children, How to reconnect and be vulnerable with your spouse during a difficult season. Want a plan for your money? Find out where to start: https://bit.ly/3nInETX Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts: https://bit.ly/3GxiXm6 Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Девочка-пай Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions. This is The Ramsey Show. We're broadcasting live from the headquarters and from Pods Moving and Storage Studios. And this is where we hang out to have a conversation about your life and your money. It's a free call anywhere in the country at 888-825-5225. I'm Ramsey Personality, Rachel Cruz, hosting this hour with Dr. John Deloney, best-selling author and Ramsey Personality. And we're taking your calls on life, relationships, money, career.

All of it. Anything and everything. So give us a call, 888-825-5225. Starting us off this hour, Sarah out of Tacoma, Washington. Hey, Sarah, welcome to the show. Hi. Hello, hello. How can we help?

So I have two things that I have going on in my marriage. Oh, you're lucky. I've got like 15 things going on in my marriage. Oh, you're lucky. I've got like 15 things going on in my marriage. You just got two. That's awesome. So one issue that I have is, I'm sorry, I'm trying to, I noticed that my spouse has an issue with drinking. And my second issue is our finances. We have our finances separate. And so I'm not sure what he's doing with his money,

and he's not sure what I'm doing with my money. So I had suggested marriage counseling. My spouse doesn't want to do it. I had suggested counseling for him. He doesn't want to do it. So I'm like, what do I do next? I'm like, are you safe? Yes. Okay. Um, when you say he's got a problem with alcohol what does that mean like every time i sit around he's drinking okay um there's not a lot that can be done with finances there's not a lot of work that can be done on your marriage until he's sober um the person you left out of the hey maybe we should go to marriage council maybe you should go to marriage counseling with me maybe you should go to counseling the person you left out

is the only person you can actually do something about and that's you yeah i mean i'm going to counseling for my own personal issues good for you but it's kind of yeah it's kind of tough when you have someone that's dealing with their own demons. It was like, you know, how am I supposed to, um, get healthy? How am I supposed to, um, you know, heal if I'm dealing with someone, um, I don't want to say someone when I'm dealing with a hurting spouse, when they have their own issues. Absolutely. Uh, I mean, it's, this is a question millions of people ask or forced to ask all the time. How do I get well in an unsafe environment? And what I would tell you is at some point you've got to draw some boundary

lines and say, whether that's, I've got to take 30 days and go stay with a friend. I've got to step right here for a minute and get my head clear and get my relationships clear and get my health clear. Or I'm going to need to step away for 30 days on a very intentionally planned separation here while you go get well. And if you're not interested in getting well, then I understand that you're not interested in us working on this. You see what I'm saying? Like there's a point when you have to draw some pretty firm boundaries when you are married to somebody who is struggling with addiction,

because like you're noticing, it makes you financially insecure, which makes you at the end of the day, very unsafe. Yeah. Right. You don't know what he owes, what he's spending it on, where it's going. If rent's going to get paid, if bills are going to get paid, if you're going to have food in the fridge, fridge i mean it's a very unstable way of being yeah exactly and um and i tried to bring it up and i'm like hey listen listen listen you can't and i know that feels so powerless but you can't fix him you know why why? You're not the problem. Yeah. He's not doing this because of you.

And that's what makes this so hard is that you love him and you want to just snap your fingers and have it be okay. Yeah. How long have you guys been married, Sarah? Four years. Four years. How long has he been drinking?

He's two years and i think he's been battling with addiction and i don't think he's ever got the proper help yeah yeah well i don't i don't think he has either yeah um at the end of the day you can control your thoughts and your actions and how much you love him and then at some point you've got to draw boundaries that make sure you're safe and that you can have peace and those are very very complicated hard conversations i'm glad you have a relationship with a professional counselor and sarah and that's some i'm sorry go ahead no no no go go you're good yeah and that's something i'm talking about in counseling, where, you know, how to draw boundaries and not be so, like, passive. How to say, hey, you know, if you continue to do this,

like, then I have to do this, that, and the third. That's right. So that's something I'm learning in counseling. And that's a new muscle to build, Sarah. So give yourself some grace in that. Yeah, you're practicing. This is a totally new thing. If this is a new way of looking at life in a new lens

and even a new way to communicate and say out loud, that's scary, right? Even if there's a level of intimidation, you don't want to hurt him. I mean, there's so much in that. And if you've been a peacekeeper your whole life, when you're growing up, if it was your job to make sure not to say the wrong thing

because mom was going to fly off the handle and dad would get mad. Yeah. It's like I don't like conflict at all. That's right. I really don't. That's right. Because I don't like being in situations like that because I know I'll get super, super angry.

And so that's something I'm learning. Also, too, is how to control my anger and get my point across. And if you've been told your whole life, how about you just shut up and you make sure that everybody else is okay first, that what you need and what you want and what you feel just gets compressed, like just gets pushed and pushed. And eventually that stuff comes out in rage right comes out in rage and so here's the deal you are like we tell people on you are on baby step one when they're just trying to get that thousand bucks and they've been grinding at it for two

months and they're trying you're on the right path it's just going to be hard because you're doing something your body has never done before it's going to be tough you got this sarah yeah you deserve that right like there's to to have that peace um and not to go super tactical as we end uh this segment but you mentioned about the separate accounts and we come on the show day in and day out telling married couples join accounts join accounts except when there's issues if there's a if there's a divorce looming if there's a separation if there's an addiction addiction uh we say that's a time to actually to keep them separate so hear me say that loud and clear that i would not combine accounts with him uh with an addict because it it's not going to help the situation you guys need to heal your

marriage first and then out of that comes combining your accounts and working together with your money. But the money is a totally side subject at this point. Healing and getting boundaries for you, Sarah, is the number one goal. So thank you so much for calling. I hope that helps. Thank you. welcome back to the ramsey show we are taking your calls this hour at 888-825-5225. Coming up next, great name coming up next, Boone. And of course he's a Texan. Fort Worth, Texas.

Boone from Texas. What's up, man? Welcome to the show. Howdy, howdy. How are you guys doing? That's what I expected. That is everything I wanted. Thank you, Boone. Thank you, Boone.

You're a wonderful human being. What's up, man? You're on the right side of DFW, too. What's up? Yes, I am. Yes, I am. So I am the only income provider for my household. My wife's a stay-at-home mom. We have a 10-month-old daughter and I've been given the opportunity to basically quit my current job which is for a very big like corporation

as a W-2 employee to go work for a mom-and-pop shop kind of in the same trade same job title with potentially making a lot more money but as a 1099 worker as a self-employed contractor with no benefits so i'm kind of like part of me wants to do it but also i don't want to you know i in a sense put my family in jeopardy if it doesn't pan out are you No. Okay. What do you do? You said, no, no, no. I'm a PDR technician, but it's a fancy way of saying I fix dents for a living or hail damage. Okay. Yeah. So what do you make now in your corporate job?

And then if you were to run just some rough numbers, what would you make if you went into a smaller business? Kind of on your own. It's 1099. So my job is 100 hundred percent commission based. Um, this year I'm expecting to make between 90 and a hundred thousand. And if I were to switch over to the mom pop shop, and this is just off their word. Um, I kind of just met them like within the recent months. They seem like good people. Um, but they say I could easily clear $100,000 out of the $299.

Yeah, but it's just all fair work. So you're making similar money and the other job you have benefits and then this one you won't. The other one as a W-2 employee

you have different taxes. $1099, you've got to pay all of your taxes. you won't um the other one is as a w2 employee you you have a different tax you have different taxes 1099 you got to pay all of your taxes yeah you pay 30 against 15 yeah but um idea is like i would be making a lot more possibly a lot more money because it is based off weather because i'd be doing mainly just hail insurance jobs there There's no hail in Texas. Just kidding. That was awesome. That was a good joke. So 100,000, sorry, with the mom-and-pop shop,

that's like the floor is kind of what they're saying, and you're going to be able to make way more than that because I just heard you say 100,000. Yes, yes. Okay. Easily clear it and then up. Yeah, yeah. Man,

here's, here's what doesn't sit well with me. Um, you're not, the illusion of safety, you're quote unquote safe in this job or safe in that job. Um, people say like,

I'm taking, I make less money for the big corporation, but it's a safer job. And I always go back to the story we told in another hour where my mom worked for Enron. I just don't buy it, right? But if you told me this mom and pop was a family friend of yours and you'd known them for a long time and you had seen the numbers and this is legit, that's one thing. To just tag on to somebody like no you're gonna make a hundred easy

man that makes me real uneasy to to put my wife and 10 year old baby girl on that track train like i would be i if i'm you i would sit down and say i need to see your books i want to see your what y'all have reported over the last couple years. I want to see what the business is. Because I can see them just salivating over a guy like you who is out there just getting after it for a corporation making $100,000. Yeah. Man, I'd love, I don't know, you know what I mean? Yeah, dig in more, Boone.

Something's not right. Dig in more and then run all the math out and say, okay, worst case scenario, I'm going to make $110,000 with the mom-pop. But then run out your taxes, run out your benefits of insurance, run out everything, and then see how you end up

versus 90 to 100 in the corporate job with taxes taken out, right? Run two formulas and then say, okay, here's what I have to make for this move to be worth it. I have to make 130. Yes. Or whatever it may be.

So run those numbers. And maybe it's not right now, Boone. I mean, that's okay. You have a 10-month-old at home. You have a great job. And unless you just hate it and it's a toxic environment and you're like, I just want out and change, that's one thing. But if you're okay with it and you're enjoying it, the other numbers just have to be a big deal for me to make that big of a shift right now. All right. You said something important. I just want to, before we go to the next call, Rachel, two important things. One, do the real math numbers.

Yeah. Too many people, like they don't want to leave their job. So they kind of like, well, it's going to cost a million dollars to buy a new house. No, it's not. Or they are desperate to leave their job and they're like, no, we'll make it work. And you can't make it. You can't just imagine math, right? That's the, that's important one number two i mean number one and then number two is sit down with the person that you're about to hit your wagon to like dave and i had lots and lots of

meetings both ways right him saying am i gonna let this guy speak on behalf of my family's name and me saying am i gonna quit my dream job and everything I know? Am I going to attach myself to this dude's last name? Right. And so do your due diligence both ways and make sure you feel comfortable in your soul that this is the right move. That's great. All right.

Up next, we have Ethan in Boise. Hey, Ethan, welcome to the show. Hello. So me and my fiance are 22 with two kids. We have $34,000 in debt.

We have a wedding to save for in August. That's about $10,000. We met $50,000. And with this new job opportunity, if I go gazelle with overtime, I'll be able to bring in another three thousand dollars a month um with the debt thirty thousand is in the car and my question is do I sell the car now and get a small loan to get a used car or do I sell it privately get a little bit more for it and then save up we'll shave up and sell it later.

So out of your $34,000 of debt, 30 of it is a car? Yes. How much do you think you could get for it? Kelly Blue Book said today, privately, $37,000 to $39,000. And then the instant cash offer was $30,000. Ethan, I got a great plan for you, Ethan. Sell that car. Okay, I need to hear it.

Go drive. Okay, sell the car. Go drive a $4,000 to $5,000 beater, your fiance's embarrassed to be with you kind of car. You're embarrassed. You feel ashamed. Terrible car, Ethan. Terrible car. Even your little kids are like, are you serious, dad?

Have your wedding in August. Get married. You guys together. Combine those finances are like are you serious dad? Have your wedding in August. Get married. You guys together. Combine those finances. Save up between now and then for the wedding. Wait for August? Like a year from now? Yes. Sell the car today. Go

tomorrow and get married. You guys have two kids together. Don't wait a year. Go get married dude. Go get married. We want to have a wedding and stuff. Have a party. Have a party later. Have a party later. You guys are married.

I'm all about parties. You have kids. You're living together. You are married. Go get the certificate. Do it, Ethan. Seriously. Don't wait on a wedding to solidify your relationship.

That is a way bigger deal than the wedding. So you guys can have it in August. You're going to have a big old party, and it's going to be amazing and wonderful. And paid for in cash. Paid for in cash. You're going to get married before that, though. And then you guys have $4,000 left of debt

after that $30,000 car. You guys can pay that off real soon. You're going to be in a great position. Sell it for $3,700 and pay your debt off. You'll have $3,500 in your bank account. Well, he's got to buy a car. It's true. My bad. Sell it for $40.

Somebody will buy it for $40. When do you think Ethan should get married? Yesterday. Do it soon, Ethan. Do it for the weekend. Surprise your wife. Women love to be surprised with weddings. Just kidding. Don't do that. It's terrible advice. It's the worst advice I've ever gotten on the show. Do not do that. Whatever you do.

No, but for real though, I think that that, I think there's a benefit for you guys as a couple to be in it, to, to solidify it. There is a level of commitment there that you guys need together and then you're going to knock all this out and it's going to be, it's going to be a forever memory and have a big party in August if you want sooner right and live your life with your two kids ethan you guys are killing it sell the car my brother build wealth change your legacy ethan you got this សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី welcome back to the Ramsey show taking your call calls anywhere in the country at 888-825-5225. It's a free call.

Talk about your life, your money, your career, your relationships, anything and everything. I'm Rachel Cruz with Dr. John Deloney. And going to the phones to Will in Salt Lake City. Hey, Will. Welcome to the show. Hey, thanks for having and taking my call, guys. I appreciate it. Absolutely. How can we help? So currently in my situation, I'm a school teacher currently and the finances in our area, just because our rent is going up higher

and higher every month. I'll be, from what I've been told, I'll start paying around $1,800 a month by February. Yeah, it's a killer, especially for our pay in this area. And so I'm looking to move outside of the area and look at other opportunities. I've already reached out to some people in other districts that I know in other areas, and the pay is higher and the rent is about $1,000 cheaper. Sounds like a good win man yeah especially for where it is um right now the uh the tentative offer will be in soldot in alaska you said other districts i thought you meant in your neighborhood no no absolutely not are you teaching at military Oates Military Academy? What are you doing there in Alaska? Same thing.

I'd be teaching still. I'm also familiar with this area because I go up there almost every year for fishing every summer. You have a family, Will? No, I do not. I'm single. I just have a dog. Dude, get it, man. That's fine.

I'm actually jealous. What can we help you with? I'm just trying to get an idea of financially what you guys think would be realistic in terms of going from here to moving up there. A million dollars. I am going to... I'm just kidding. I am looking at finishing up...

Yeah, it's all good now. I'm looking at finishing up the school year here because I just don't think it's the right thing to leave in the middle of a semester with the students I have. So I want to finish up the school year and then leave probably near mid-June. The only things I'm looking at taking

is what I can fit in the back of a pickup pretty much. Well, there you go. It sounds like all you need is gas money, huh? And deposit money on a new place. Uh, yeah, it's, I mean, realistically the nice part too, is I'll be paid over the summer still for my previous job because my contract will end in August. Um, but the only other part is that the weirdest part, I guess, is I am switching out vehicles because in that area I am likely going to need a truck more or less in that area. And I currently have a Camry. I am making payments on it monthly

because I'm on a loan plan. I'm paying about 520 a month. I've already talked to lenders. It's going to be way less than that. It's going to be closer to 290 once I switch to the other vehicle and get up there. Why would you postpone switching vehicles? Right now, the gas mileage for the vehicle is great. Is it worth $250

a month in payment? You can't be saving that much money on gas. Yeah, I mean, I make an extra $1,000 with a side job that I use my vehicle for currently um okay and a truck for my side job just well what other debt okay so how much do you have left on the car um there's about 20 on it um what other debt do you have once i get it um that's it i my parents uh yeah just my parents were and I were fortunate enough to, I worked 80 hours a week in college,

so I paid off everything. Awesome. Good for you. And how much do you make a year teaching? Like how much will you have for the rest of the year? Currently 56. Once I move up there, it will be 62, 63. Okay.

How much cash do you have in the bank right now? Just very minimum, I think it's about a thousand. I've just been trying to attack that car and so that's why i'm kind of holding off on that to try to get enough money to move up okay um yeah if i'm you will i mean i would even i wonder if you just kelly blue booked it i'm just curious of what you could get because my goal for you when you move to alaska is that you have no payments and you have a good emergency funds, you know, of maybe two months worth of expenses just because of the catch all of moving. I mean, when you enter into any new season, whether you're leaving college and starting a job, weddings, kids moving.

I mean, all of these, they just bring more expenses than usually we expect. So to have any level of buffer is going to be really really important so i would be curious you know what's an if you what you could get for it if you kelly blue booked this uh got got a cheap car basically had no payments and just saved everything like crazy between now and alaska once you get to alaska you have some money saved and maybe even using some of that money to buy a car and to buy your truck and cash after you sell the junkie car that you may get here in the next few months, putting some money together and get maybe a crappy truck in Alaska if you need to, and then you can move up from there. But cash flowing all of this as soon as possible would

be my goal just because of this big transition coming up. I mean, I would really, really focus on that. So that's what I would do. Will, if I woke up in your shoes. Okay. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's worth about 26, 27,000 currently.

Oh, wow. Okay. You know what? I mean, I would, will. And what do you, what do you owe on it? 20. Uh, 20. Bro, I would sell that.

Yeah. Get a $7,000. Before the weekend is over. Get a, get a, yeah, get a seven, dollars over get it get a yeah get a seven eight thousand dollar car uh and then just start saving some cash to use for your truck when you get to alaska and an emergency absolutely man for both of it so thanks for the call will and excited for you on this journey because it sounds like you were you got baby step one cover that thousand dollars like you said you're starting to pay off the time if you pay this if you sell this thing buy a five

thousand dollar car and you save the car payment of $520 a month. Every month. You've launched through baby step two and you're well into baby step three. I mean,

you could really catapult. That's what's so fascinating, John, about this stuff is like, it's these moves. It's a slingshot. Yeah.

It's these little moves, right, that can just get you there. And there's a lot of people, this is not to like shame you, Will, but just as an example, that are driving, you know, a family and they got two crappy cars they're not worth anything to

sell they're paid off but they're working through their credit card debt and their student loans and they just wish they could have this like kind of magic pool of like oh my gosh I could like make this one move and then it's all gone that's right and it's all gone that would be amazing so I think you're just an incredible position to really uh catapult you forward in the baby step. So thanks so much for the call. All right, Blinds.com. Find out for yourself why Blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window coverings. You get free samples, free shipping, and with the new promo codes they run every month, you'll save even more. Use promo code Ramsey to get the best deal. Today's question comes from Ryan in North Carolina.

Ryan writes, I have a 14 year old daughter who has a large sum of money from a settlement because of a school bus accident that occurred when she was 10. This money is currently held in an accident in an account in her name that will all be given to her when she turns 18. And my wife and I cannot do anything out of without a judge's order until she turns 18. My question is how can we best help her to prepare to invest it when that time comes? She has more than enough to pay for college, and we want to make sure she uses it responsibly. That's a great question. Sorry for the accident, though.

So this is, I love this question, and here's why. As a parent, it's so easy for me to parent by, I have something you don't have. I've got food. You have to do what I say. Or I've got bigger muscles than you. You have to do what I say. And all the literature tells me that's a terrible way to enter into a lifelong relationship with your kid. And most most importantly teach them to become good adults and there's moments when you have to step in that gap but this parent is facing the other side of it which is my daughter's about to have a whole bunch of money right and so my influence over her is four four years and counting and what i would tell you Ryan is you double triple quadruple down on a couple of things one

relationship you can't lead this this young woman by um I've got something you can't lead like that it's got to be hey let's sit and talk about this or let's have a regular scheduled time together so we can develop relationships so that four years from now when she asks you a hard question, you've built a well of trust that she trusts you. The second thing is, she's watching every move you make with your money. And so the better you are with your money, the more likely she is to follow into that same set of points.

Yep, and talk about it. I would make it as normal as possible so it's not like when she's 18, it's like, here's $30,000. It's like, what? Yeah. That it's so normal that it's like, oh yeah, that's been there.

I know. That's the money coming. There's no shock factor. And there's already a plan for it. Yes, that you talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. And the more normal it is, the more she understands why behind it,

there's a level of maturity there that she hopefully will make the right decisions. But ultimately too, when she turns 18, she's 18. She's 18, right? She's off to see the wizard, yeah. Yeah. And my hope is you've got a relationship that she will ask you to come along. Welcome back to The Ramsey Show. I'm Rachel Cruz with Dr. John Deloney hosting this hour and taking your calls.

Up next, we have Bruce in Boston. Hey, Bruce, welcome to the show. Hi, thanks for taking my call. Absolutely. How can we help? I'm in kind of a mess. My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Back in 2010, we were totally debt-free on everything. They talk into the phone, man.

Yep, talk into the phone. There you go. Right after that, we bought two brand-new vehicles. And from that point forward, we have been disconnected, not able to get on the same page on doing a monthly budget. Fast forward to now, she got a new job about a year ago, and the new job has her using her credit card, our credit card, to make purchases for the company.

The company pays for those purchases, but I think that the company should get their own credit card and they make their own purchases, not us. Yeah. I would agree with that. So what's your question? How do I get her to understand that the company should be purchasing their own materials? I think it's a bigger question than that.

Yeah, so you can't come in at the tail end of, I mean, you guys getting off kilter buying two new cars back in 2010, that's not the reason you can't have a budget. There's something beneath the thing that you're talking about. Yep, I would agree with that. What is it? I would say part of it is budget, not wanting to do a budget. Nope, that's not it. What's beneath that? Why does she not want to?

I think she's afraid of money commitment. She thinks she's not going to have any money to spend, even though we do have plenty of money to spend. Why do you think she feels that way? She's not money controlling. I'm not money controlling. I just like to do a budget. I don't spend a whole lot just on what's needed.

Are you a safe person to anchor to? Probably not. I'm not the most communicative. Yeah. And so you see how over 15 years or 12 years, a dance emerges where you're hard to talk to. You're hard to connect with. So she has to create a world that she can exist in. And in that world, the only joy she's got is buying crap.

And the only safety she has is financial security. I've got the ability to get whatever I need whenever I need it. And you feel like the rug keeps getting pulled out from under you and it's frustrating and you don't know how or don't want to say anything and then this just dance starts

and then you end up further and further and further apart and now she's in a situation that I think is asinine. It's insane that a company is asking an employee to put things on their personal credit card. That's just dumb. It's just dumb. But y'all, you don't have the tools.

You don't have the relational equity to have this conversation. I would agree. And now it sounds like a personal attack on her. She's saying, oh, you hate my job, which is an identity thing. You see what I'm saying? You having this, and you're right. You're actually right. I usually don't like to say that

in a marriage conversation. You're right. And that's not the point right now. The point is she can't hear you and you can't hear her. Are y'all done? Well, we've been battling, I would say, for the last 15 years. And I would say we are not done because we still love each other. And we have worked on, we've gone to counselors a couple of times. And since COVID, then they went to remote, and that didn't work for us. And for the last two years, we have not seen anybody. Why? Because we couldn't do the whole remote thing it was in person worked for us better we haven't gone back to anybody since

that's what i'm asking you that's what i'm asking you is like if i need antibiotics and there's a flood and i can't get to walgreens to go get them, the moment the water recedes, I'm going to be banging on that door to go get what I need to be healthy and well. Okay. I'm going to put you on the spot, John, because you've done this in another call at previous shows. And I was like, I feel like that this could be Bruce. You've painted a picture before of a husband going out to dinner with his wife, holding her hands, looking across the table and just speaking to her and saying out loud the truth of what they both know

and him admitting, you know, baby, I've not been, I'm not an easy person to talk to. Here's the situation that I know I've created and start saying out loud the things that you guys know and I feel like a wife hearing her husband take responsibility

and at least acknowledging what's going on is a really beautiful thing do you remember doing i don't know i do all the time well say it to him because i'm like that's a great picture because it gives like you always say paint the picture this picture of a husband and wife sitting across from each other and they're actually being a helpful conversation but it starts with responsibility that's right so So what Rachel's getting to is this. At the end of the day, you can't make your wife do anything. It's frustrating. She's going to have to choose to either A, see the light about how much more peaceful her life

can be with financial security, or especially in the beginning choose to meet her husband's needs because she loves him more than she loves um feeling warm and fuzzy at night for a season okay so all you can deal with is your thoughts and your actions and so this whole healing begins with you going to dinner or you taking her out to breakfast one morning and having already written this stuff out and you hold her hand and you look across the table at her and say not we need to or you need to know i have screwed this up for 15 years and that's you being being husband yep that's extreme ownership it's you taking a knee and saying all i can own up to is what i've contributed to this and then here's the important part after

you take ownership here's the scary vulnerable part for you that part's actually easy i screwed this up i'm sorry here's the hard part you saying here's what I really need. Here's what I need. And you'll feel less than, you'll feel small. You'll feel not like the Boston man that you think you are. But I'll tell you the time when I, my marriage was on the rocks, brother. And I sat down and one of the things I told my wife is I said, I'm ashamed to even say this out loud. I'm a six foot two Texas male, but I need you to say you're proud of me because I'm working as hard as I can for one thing. And that's to make you proud. And I just want you to say that I'm doing a good job. I just needed to hear that. And it was embarrassing to say, and it was a moment of catharsis for me to say it out loud.

And my wife said, man, it would have been awesome to know 15 years ago. And now she doesn't miss a beat. And I wish I didn't need that, dude. I wish I was so cool. I did. I just wanted my wife to sink because I really tried to impress her and I wanted to be enough for her. And so it's you mining you going way down in the depths and saying, what do I need? I feel scared and terrified and unsafe with how much money we owe. I'm terrified. It would mean the world to me if you help me feel more safe by doing a budget with me. That's totally different than, you need to get your butt on a Ramsey plan. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, that's totally me. Okay. Yeah. Don't do that. Cause you know what? I'm not talking to you either, man. And I'm going to go. Yeah, no, it doesn't work. So this is a total,

it's going to take some time for you to write down your needs, to be honest with yourself. Here's what I need. Cause it starts out with, I need more, more sex. What I really need is more undivided attention from you. I need your attention. I miss you. I need intimacy. I need us to just be like, hang out. All right. So it starts in these big announcements. I need us to get out of debt. I'm terrified at how fragile our economic situation is in our home. You see, there's a difference there, man. And I want you to get to those needs and write them down and take her out and have that conversation. Stay on the line. I'm going to send you the questions for humans cards for couples. It'll give you all some things to talk about as you're having these hard conversations.

It'll give you some tools to practice having conversations again. That's great. Thanks, Bruce. Thanks for calling us. Hope all well for you, you and your wife. All right. Thanks to James, Ben, Zach, Andrew, Austin, Jenna. And the booth, the lady back there. Yes, yes, yes.

We're the only two in the show. All right. Thank you, America, for listening. This is The Ramsey Show. Hey, it's Rachel Cruz, co-host on The Ramsey Show. If you want to do your debt-free scream live on the show, visit ramseysolutions.com slash debtfreescream. We'd love for you to come to Nashville and tell Dave your story.

That's ramseysolutions.com slash debtfreescream.