The Ramsey Show - App - How to Let Go of Resentment in a Marriage (Hour 3)

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

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🎵 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studios, it's the Dave Ramsey Show, where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. I'm Dave Ramsey, your host. Joining me this hour, Dr. John Deloney. We call him Dr. John. He's here to answer your questions about relationship IQ, your relationship with the person in the mirror. Maybe you've got fear, anxiety, or other questions,

relationship with other people, and that can be anywhere, anytime that you are struggling with or having a question for. We're going to make sure phone lines are open for Dr. D at 888-825-5225. That's 888-825-5225. And you jump in, and we'll let you on the air to do that. So if you need to send him an email you can do that and we'll get you the question answered for sure it's ask john at ramsey solutions.com did i get that right john

that's right okay ask john at ramsey solutions.com and the other thing we need to mention is tomorrow night wednesday night for most of you april the 29th at 7 p.m. A couple of thousand of you have already signed up, and we're going to let some more of you come in. At $10 apiece, we are doing a live money and marriage event. Now, typically the money and marriage events are Rachel Cruz, Dr. Les Parrott, Rachel Cruz on money, Dr. Les Parrott on marriage, and this is money, marriage events are Rachel Cruz, Dr. Les Parrott, Rachel Cruz on money, Dr. Les Parrott on marriage. And this is money, marriage, and mental health really because Dr. John Deloney is going to be in there as well. And so I told Rachel

yesterday she's the only one who's not a doctor. She'll pick it up at some point. These two are riding my coattails on this one, obviously. I mean, at some point Rachelachel's gonna start pulling a weight around here is is yeah imagine eventually yeah no i'm it's it's such an honor to join those two rock stars and to it's going to be a really remarkable event i can't wait it is a hope edition live stream and uh so uh obviously it's not a pre-recorded thing so it won't be tone deaf in other words we'll know they'll be able to address things that are actually happening today, not a month ago, not two months ago.

The last money and marriage event we had was on Valentine's Day, and the world was completely different. So if you want to view that, it's only $10, 7 o'clock Central Time, a Hope Edition livestream, money, marriage stream money marriage and in parentheses mental health rachel cruz dr les parrott dr john deloney uh that is a bargain that's something you ought to do with your time tomorrow night uh the new edition of tiger king can wait and so um i got to the end of that thing man you went all the way through it just ends in a dumpster fire spoiler alert america it just i thought there was going to be some ends in a dumpster fire. Spoiler alert, America. It just, I thought there was going to be some thing at the end.

Starts in a dumpster fire, ends in a dumpster fire. In the middle, there's a dumpster fire. It starts with a cigarette out front, and then it just ends. Man. It's, I mean, from a mental health perspective, you had to be. Oh, it's a gold mine. You had to be just circling the plane and unable to land. What's really bad from a mental health perspective is I rode the whole thing out.

I watched all 30 episodes. 30 seconds in, my wife closed the laptop, which she said. I had to give up my wisdom card, too. I've seen too many things all the way through this period of this month. It's just nuts. Ask John at RamseySolutions.com, DaveRamsey.com, if you want to buy tickets to the Hope Edition livestream, Money and Marriage. Rachel Cruz, Dr. Les Parrott, Wednesday night.

It's going to be great. It's going to be great. It really is. It's going to be incredible. Mary is with us in Washington. Hey, Mary, what's up? Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

Sure. I would like to talk to Dr. John about, so I'd like to save my marriage, but honestly, I am so tired emotionally and otherwise, and I want to find out how to get past the resentment and into a place of forgiveness. What are you resenting? Tell me about it. What are you resenting?

So we've been on our debt journey for a long time. We've been on Dave's plan for over seven years and we're still on baby step two. I found Dave on the radio and got our home finances in order really quickly. Then I found out that my husband, through his business, had over $700,000 in debt because apparently he thought he was in Congress. But it's been a long, hard road. Okay, so we're down to about $60,000 left to pay off of his business debt. And, of course, now we have this coronavirus happening.

Not helpful. I am tired. Right now I try to emotionally support him because business is pretty tough. And so nobody emotionally supports me. I was just writing that question down. Who emotionally supports you? Well, my kids a little bit. You know what?

I can't do that to my kids. No, that's – your kids aren't your support system. That's incorrect. My kids are young adults, but they're kids. And truthfully, we are kind of Dave-ish because I have some money saved at home away from the business debt. But our youngest is in college, and I'm committed to cash flowing that college. Plus, she has a good scholarship, and she's working. And I can keep my kid from being trapped in debt. Okay. Right. So tell me about your, tell me about your marriage. Did he, did he admit a decade ago to financial infidelity?

Did he forget? I mean, did he admit to hiding the stuff and has he gotten on the same page with you? No, he wasn't hiding it. He wasn't hiding it. I mean, he wasn't being malicious. He was just... Just was what it was. Ignorant, I guess. Ignorant. I mean, I was not... I'm working a different job. I work separate from his business,

and so I was doing that and raising the kids. Okay, but tell me about your marriage. And I trusted him to take care of that 38 years married. Okay. I mean, I just trusted him to do that stuff, and I just think he just... I don't think he was malicious. He just didn't know. It sounds to me like you and your husband aren't on the same page, and I don't want to trivialize almost a million dollars of debt.

I don't want to trivialize 40 years of marriage, but it sounds like you're running an alternative life, and then you've got one with him, and then you've got one you're paying off debt you've paid off you're almost you paid off almost a million dollars in seven years what's the problem you're at mile 22 of the of the marathon what's the problem no no i'm just out of gas i guess what what why i mean you're emotionally out of gas, and you're almost to the finish line. Unless he is. If he's been in reverse while you've been pedaling ahead the whole time, that's different. But why? I mean, why is it?

I understand you're exhausted from working on this so long, but aren't you both exhausted? And hasn't he been arm and arm with you? I don't understand why. I mean, you should be both stumbling towards the finish line with the equal level of fatigue because you paid off an amazing amount of debt. I guess that's true. Who are you, and what is your marriage when this has paid off? I don't know anymore.

That's the question. Sometimes you tell people you need to dream together, and I don't even know how to do that now. Okay. We're going to hold you through the break, and then we'll come back to you. Because I think your situation speaks to a lot of people's situation. So let's keep talking about it. Hang on with us through the break. For most of us, health care costs seem to increase every year, and saving money on health insurance feels more and more out of reach.

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Welcome back to the Dave Ramsey Show. We're talking with Mary in Washington. They started their journey seven years ago. They paid off $700,000 in business debt down to $60,000, plus all their home debt. So hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, approaching a million dollars in debt during this time. Mary's out of steam and is worried about her marriage after this time. And got some money in the bank to make sure the last kid gets through school. And wants to be supportive of her husband, but she's out of gas.

Is that a fair quick summary of what you told us, Mary? Yes. How much money is in the bank for the kids college about 15 000 okay all right so it doesn't solve the problem there's 60 000 over at the business right right okay well the covid thing is gonna complicate that sure so when you, your first statement was you want to save this marriage. And then as you kind of worked your way through, I heard the hope drain from your voice. Why are you hopeless right now? I know you're exhausted and you guys paid off $640,000, which is just world class. I haven't been able to get past the resenting him thing. You know, I wanted to stay home with the kids.

That was my dream. That's never going to happen. My youngest kid's 20. Okay. Not even possible, and there's nothing that can get that back. And I want to get past the resentment so I can forgive him and just get past the debt and move on. Okay. So you're not going to like my statement on this, but I want you to hear me.

Your choice to hold on to the resentment is just that. And at some point, you've got to make a decision of, I can put this in a duffel bag and set it down. Is it painful? Yes. Did it take away the picture of the mom you wanted to be? Yes. But it is.

It just simply is. And so a decision, and I know it sounds like I'm trivializing this, so don't hear it that way, but it's a decision to hang on to this stuff for a decade, to lose the fact that you guys have paid off $640,000 together, and I'm going to keep this going forward. And then suddenly we're going to look up, COVID's going to be over, we're going to pay this $60,000 off.

And I'm going to still be carrying this around. What about it can you not let go? No, it's the only dream I've had. So I need a replacement, I guess. I don't know. You're hanging on, and I use this word intentionally, you're hanging on to a fantasy of what could have been and it's just not and so now what's happening is it's poisoning your

current relationship with your husband it's poisoning relationship with your kids you're creating a side world with your kids where hey i'm going to make sure you i'm going to do this for you and all of a sudden it's just the wedge between you and your husband's getting bigger and bigger and bigger and it's not about finances not about finances anymore, and it's not about – it's about this poison that lives in you now. And I'm – what I – let me ask you this. How has his – once you discovered the debt and once you guys agreed to work on it together, has he put his hand to the plow for six years with you and cleaned this debt up yes yes it's almost all that he does at this point i mean so so he's occasionally he's done the job that you asked

him to do upon discovering it but and you've done the job that you needed to do upon discovery oh yeah i've been working two jobs to help him fix his business. Yeah. And what I would suggest is y'all start saying, you've been working two jobs so that we could fix our life. Because when you keep it, this is mine and this is his, and you divide the world up into me versus him, you are never going to come together and save that marriage you want to have.

You're never going to fully integrate your kids into this partnership with your husband. It's just never going to work because it's always going to be you versus him. And if he hadn't have done this thing this many years ago, then we wouldn't be in, I wouldn't have had this experience. The experience is over. It's here. It also sounds like you're struggling with your kids going off to college. Is that hard? Are you empty nester now? Actually kind of in the emptiness good for you that's good that's very good surprising yeah but good yes um so can make the same decision on resentment and anger both it just doesn't serve you anywhere i mean it what anger does is it shows us that we care about seven years old now seven years ago i would be with you seven years ago if you wanted to have a hissy fit duck fit in the middle of the floor and flop around upon discovering this and you know have a real

good six months of being pissed off i go along with you six years later the guy's been doing everything he's supposed to do and you've been doing everything you're supposed to do. There's no villain anymore. It's like we're both working really hard to achieve his dream, but mine never mattered. And if you continue to feel that way, if you continue to hear it that way, your first statement... Right, I want to not do that, but I'm trying to figure out. So what you need to do is you need to sit down with your husband and y'all need to paint a new picture. And there has to be a future. You've got to decide this, this picture of what we were going to live.

It's gone. So we can decide together and you can leave this conversation. And if he's a guy that's willing to put his nose to the plow like he has, then he sounds like he's a guy that's going to come to the table with you and say, I want to proactively, affirmatively paint a new picture of what this is going to look like so we have something to live forward. We're not continually running back from a thing that happened a long time ago. So here's what's occurring to me.

I'm way out of my league here just listening to John. But if you want to be mad and resentful or you are mad and resentful uh in the marriage or out of the marriage you're still mad and resentful and you still don't get those hugs back they're gone and the kid the kids are still grown right so you're mad and resentful in the marriage or you're mad and resentful out of the marriage unless you lay the mad and resentful down and in either case the kids still grow up it's over that part of it's over yeah so now the new vision is grandbabies right right there we go if you trained them right anyway you will if if if and it may take um i don't actually think you need professional help on this one i think you actually need to sit down and write him a letter and write down,

here are the regrets I have, but here is what I'm willing to do to move forward. And here's the thing. Like you've mentioned it, you're exhausted. You're at mile 22 of this marathon. You're so close. You're so close. Everybody wants to quit at mile 22. Just keep going.

You're almost there. And make the decision to set the regret down and paint a new picture you got to have something to go towards you can't be running from something for the rest of mary the closest thing i can relate this to is when i went broke when we went broke uh years ago uh the hardest part of that whole thing for me was to get over being pissed off at myself for having been so stupid to build a house of cards i i took the lash to my home back for quite a while sharon didn't say a thing for about three years because we were just trying to survive and then at that three-year mark at 10 years of marriage or seven years of marriage when we went

broke um we had this implosion because those feelings that were stuffed down resurrected and uh she she suddenly was really really pissed off three years later kind of like you and so we had to we had to sit down and work on that with a marriage counselor and um and i had to learn to forgive myself and in the process she had learned to forgive me and you know what what was lost well we lost the first decade of our marriage to uh all the stupidity that i had been engaged in and in bad decisions, bad business decisions. And it took away that and it took away her this fantasy she had that she had married Sir Galahad. And then she discovered it was Goober. You know, I mean, and so that, you know, we really did go

through, I guess, a similar thing. But, you know, it is an act of the will but it's a process to go through laying that down and saying okay i'm mad about that but it is in the past i'm um resentful about that but it is in the past and um i did some really stupid stuff in my case i'm it's in the past i can't undo it i can't go back and fix it it's there but we can get together and go forward yeah but i can i can the only shot i got is the windshield the reason the rearview mirror is smaller is that's called grace i don't have to live in i can extend grace to myself i can extend grace to others forgiveness to myself forgiveness to others and i had to because i was really torqued i was really torqued. I was really mad at myself. And then later on, it took a while. Her anger got to the surface there later on.

So that's what this feels like, listening to you. But I'm with John. I think you need to sit down with a good pastor, a good marriage counselor, somebody to help you unpack this. I think it might be easier than you think it is because you were so able with your intellect to verbalize where you are. And so that's going to help is that you've got a strong intellect to be able to deal with this. And that will help you push the emotional process through. Hey, thank you for calling. This is the Dave Ramsey Show.

Please hear me loud and clear. The government is not going to bail you out of your student loans, at least not completely and not without a catch. What they're talking about only impacts federal, not private loans, and you need to take responsibility for what you owe and pay your debt down quicker. Right now, Splash Financial is offering their lowest rates ever. With lower rates and extra payments, you could just find yourself debt-free in the next five years. Visit splashfinancial.com slash Ramsey to see Dr. John Deloney is here with your relational IQ questions, 888-825-5225. You want to ask him by email, he'll answer you by email. Ask John at RamseySolutions.com.

Ask John at RamseySolutions.com. Tomorrow night, there's a money and marriage event with Rachel Cruz, Dr. Les Parrott, and Dr. John Deloney. So money, marriage, and mental health. And it's going to be part of our Hope Edition live stream. It is a live event. They are going to be live. of our hope edition live stream it is a live event they are going to be live it's not pre-taped in any way and so uh you need to for 10 bucks you can watch this with your spouse and money and marriage are both things that are in crisis right now and so is mental health and so it's a really good thing to do. 7 o'clock Central Time, Wednesday night.

You can get your tickets at DaveRamsey.com. They're only $10. Jackie is in Florida. Hi, Jackie. Welcome to the Dave Ramsey Show. Hello. Good afternoon. Hi, Dave.

Hi, Dr. D. How are you? Hey, Jackie. Hey, how can we help? I was calling because I have a question, mainly for Dr. D. And my question is, I'm a single mom of twin boys. They're 15 both. And I moved in with my mom to pay off debt, which I'm almost done.

So I'm getting ready to build up some funds so I can go ahead and move out. I have notified my mom that I'm planning to move out. Mind you, my parents have these boundary issues. So I notified my parents that I'm planning to move out. Mind you, my parents have this boundary issue. So I notified my parents that I'm going to move out. And they're very negative, and they're telling me that I cannot make it out on my own as a single mom. So my question is, how can I build confidence, or what can I do to build the confidence that I know I can do it. When I had moved out before several times and I came back,

this will be my second time moving back home. So does your mom going off, it doesn't sound like she's trying to be ugly, it sounds like she's going off past experience, huh? Yes. Okay. Why is she wrong? Well, I never really had a lot of debt, but I've done some dumb decisions before, and I was always living to paycheck. At the time, I made $30,000 as a single mom,

and unfortunately, I didn't qualify for any any assistance and the father doesn't give me any child support no i lived in a low income what do you make now now i make uh with a total with all my jobs and everything i made 56 a year is that why she's wrong yeah why is your mom wrong this time i don't think i think she's wrong because I've heard your show before and I've seen moms, single parents that have made less than me and they've done it. They've been able to live on their own. So that's why I believe she's wrong. So there's a famous saying that I love and that is,

astronauts never launch into space with their fingers crossed. They have a plan. And so you're right. There are single moms out there doing unbelievable, way harder things than landing on the moon, and they're making it work at less than $56,000. You're right. But you got to have a plan. You can't just say, oh, well, they're doing it, so I'm going to do it. Mom, I'm out of here. You've got to say, I'm going to have this much money. I'm going to have rent that's going to look like this. I'm going to take care of my boys in this way. And without a plan, I think your mom's right. You got to make sure that you know where you're headed, right? So have you sat down and made a plan of what this is going to look like for you?

Yes. And so are you ready to rock and roll? What's your, what's your timeline on it? Um, I should be out of debt if God willing by July and I will have my full funded emergency fund by August. So I'm planning to move out by September. Outstanding. It's incredible. Yeah. It's, I mean, I'm high fiving you here from, from Nashville, Tennessee. Um, and what I would tell you is this, and this is one of those hard-to-hear things. I don't know that – I call it parent boundary issues when I'm living in my dad's house or living in my mom's house. I wish he wouldn't go – I wish he wouldn't make me be home at a certain time, and I wish he wouldn't make me have these rules. But the reality is that I crossed into his boundary when I moved in with him, right?

And so I think your mom's right to love you, and she probably loves those boys more than anything else. And so she's going to say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and so she's going to give you that type of advice. And so I'd say I love you, Mom, and here's my plan, and then make it happen. Here's what's different, Mom. I make more money. I've got a written plan. Here's my budget. I'm out of debt by the time I move out. I've got the emergency fund. I appreciate so much you've given me a place to land. Thank you. I appreciate the, and I appreciate your love and concern, but I want to show you this, and I wish that, and I know it may take some time for me to regain i mean

i may need to go out here and win for you to believe that i can win but but this is why i think it's different mom if i were just going out and doing the exact same thing i did last time then you would be right but i'm not i've got a budget i'm out of debt i've got an emergency fund i make more money and here's my budget and here's how my rent is no more than a fourth of my take-home pay. I'm really dialed in on this Dave Ramsey stuff, and it's working. I'm learning how to handle money, and you've given her a reason. And you've given yourself a reason, by the way. You can't have confidence on a prayer, a wing and a prayer.

Or somebody else's picture, right? Or somebody else's picture, but you can have confidence in the actions that you have taken and when you tell me i'm gotten out of debt i got the emergency fund i'm on a budget and i make almost twice as much money those are real substantial reasons to think you have a reason to win um those are it's valid it's logical and find somebody who's not your mom who's not your dad who can be your your dad, who can be your accountability person, someone you can call and check in with, somebody that will be your quote-unquote emergency fund for life. Moms want to hug grandkids, and moms want to hug their babies, and your friend's going to be the one that's saying, hey, get out. Go save up. Keep doing it. You're so close. You're kicking butt.

You're doing good, and they're going to encourage you to get there. Absolutely. High five to you. Good job, mom. Yeah, and let me do this. Hang on, Jackie. We're going to encourage you to get there. Absolutely. High five to you. Good job, Mom. Yeah, and let me do this. Hang on, Jackie. We're going to put you into Financial Peace University. We've got a 14-day free trial. Zach will get you signed up for that, and that will get you down into this material. As a matter of fact, you might even cover it with your parents

and let them look at it with you, look over your shoulder. You can watch some of the videos for 14 days. You know, their online lessons are there. It's the whole premium experience and uh we've never done a 14-day free trial we just started it during this last 30 days from hell that america's been through to try to help you guys out there and so just go to davramsey.com hope folks if you want to try the 14-day free trial and hold on zach will pick up and get you get you signed up for all that. Open phones at 888-825-5225.

You know, there's a lot of people, John, during this time that have been just heroes. I mean, I don't think America will ever look at health care workers the same again. Just like after 9-1-1, we wouldn't look at the military the same again. But there's a lot of other people that are out there, like, driving trucks, still bringing stuff. There's construction workers out here beside us working driving trucks, still bringing stuff. Every day. There's construction workers out here beside us working every day, still doing stuff every day. The people that are able to work under the process here, there's a lot. I mean, the delivery people bringing stuff to houses.

I mean, there are people that have not left their homes. And 10 years ago, that wouldn't have been possible. Isn't that wild? But, I mean, you can have all your not left their homes, and 10 years ago that wouldn't have been possible. Isn't that wild? But, I mean, you can have all your groceries delivered. You can have everything. And so, you know, you're working for Amazon, UPS, FedEx. You're driving an 18-wheeler out there. I mean, you're a hero because you're walking up on people's front porches. You may be the only human contact they've had.

And I'm going to reframe this. I was thinking about this the other day Dave I can't imagine we've got heroes that are lining up on this front porch I mean I mean on the front lines of this deal but if we step back and kind of exhale for a second no none of us like being told what to do and there is so much back and forth on who's doing what and why are we doing this and what are the death tolls but to think collectively that we all took a breath for 30 days 45 essentially shut the world down for potentially the least of these is a statement of humanity across this country that i think is pretty remarkable now there's going to be fights about when we get going i get all that

but this idea that we all went all right regardless of Regardless of if it was real, how real it was, how much of the numbers were, all of that. Spirit. There was a sense of nobility of, for somebody other than myself, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And I don't like it. And it's going to hurt my family. We're going to have to dig our way out of this for years and years. Let's do it.

There is something about that, Dave, that is a triumph of the human spirit. It's a beautiful thing. It is. And lots of Dave, that is a triumph of the human spirit. It's a beautiful thing. It is. And lots of different motivations under it. Some of them are toxic. Oh, yeah. It's a mess. But some of them were very, very noble.

Some of them were very noble. It's a good point. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. You may feel like there's not a lot you can control these days, but I'm here to tell you, you can control your budget and you can control what you feed your family. My longtime friends at eMeals are here to help. They have simplified meal plans and created new recipe collections such as easy pantry meals and freezer meals utilizing basic ingredients. It has never been easier to shop smarter and stay on a budget. Try it free for two full weeks at eMeals.com. our scripture today psalm 37 4 delight yourself the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

David Bly says, Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted. Amen. Kim is with us. Kim is in Kentucky. Hi, Kim. Welcome to the Dave Ramsey Show. Hi, Dave. It's nice to talk to you. You too. What's up? Well, where I work, our company has been taken over by another company, and I'm used to paying federal taxes.

This new company is not taking out federal taxes on my check. I have filled out a W-4 twice now. And the W-4 is worded oddly, where it asks me if I'm married and filing jointly, which I am. But I've been told to skip that part and put down that I'm single, and that's a lie. So I don't know what to do. The people at the company told you to do that?

Yes. Okay. Well, it's, I don't know why. Right now, they're not taking out any federals. So this must be a small company. They say they are. Yeah. Because, I mean, a large company would know better than this

because they're going to get caught in a real pinch because you're an employee and they're required by law to withhold on you. Even if they don't agree with the way you filled out your W-4, they're required to withhold on you. I don't know why they would advise you to fill out as a single. It doesn't matter. Withholding doesn't cost them anything. It comes out of your check.

Yes. They have to match 7.65, which they can delay under the CARE Act on their matching portion. But the portion that is withheld on you and your payroll taxes that you pay out of your check, they're not taking anything out of your check at all. No, no, they're not. They're not even taking FICA out. No. These are small-timers.

On a W-4? Yeah, they're small-timers. They don't know what they're doing because they're going to get billed for every bit of that. So what I would make sure you do is until you can get this rectified, you need to be setting aside in your own savings account, as if you were an independent contractor, 25% of your pay. 25%.

Yeah. What do you make a year? Well, it has gone up, and I don't know exactly roughly roughly roughly roughly uh 30,000 okay yeah 25 percent would be more than enough you probably won't even have any taxes due hardly any at 30,000 are you married yes what does he make you said that yeah what's he make? It varies. He's a trucker. Roughly. I'd say about $30,000. Less? $30,000, $40,000. Okay.

So you've got a $60,000 household income. Yeah, you'll have some taxes. So just to be safe, set aside 25% of your check each time you get paid into a savings account until you get this resolved because you still have the federal income tax due even though they have not held it out of your check on your behalf. When they take part of your check and send it to the IRS, it's just prepaying part of your taxes. If you overpay, you get a refund.

That's what happens when you overpay. If you underpay, then you have an additional tax due at the end of the year and you if you don't hold anything out you're going to end up underpaying and you're going to have a tax bill due next april um uh i don't know why somebody somebody's trying to help you calculate your taxes the w-4 is not i uh is not relevant in other words here's the thing my daughter denise when she first got her first job she was a single girl straight out of college and when we calculated what her taxes would be she had to claim six dependents on her w-4 in order to have the proper amount withheld she did not have six dependents but but that really wasn't lying. It was, we've got to

run the calculation out to have the proper amount withheld. And I'm guessing that someone's trying to help you get the proper amount withheld by filing single. It doesn't really matter. It's not, you're not making a legal declaration. You're not filing your taxes fraudulently. You're just, the W-4 is just for the purpose of calculating the proper amount to be withheld so it's it's really not a uh um it's not an integrity issue it's just unless there's integrity issue on the side of them not withholding at all it's a stupidity issue they're ignorant this is going to catch up and bite them in the butt and it's going to bite you if you don't have the tax money too. So that's how I would handle it. It sounds like there's a lot of aggravating things going on with this takeover.

All right, let's go to Amy's in Rhode Island. Hi, Amy. Welcome to the Dave Ramsey Show. Hi, Dave and Dr. Deloney. Thank you so much for taking my call. Sure. What's up? I want to talk to Dr. Deloney about a relationship with my parents.

They've always had horrific financial habits. They refinance their home so many times that they owe more now than when they purchased it 35 years ago. And given their age and income and my father's disabled, there's no hope. So it hurts a lot. But how do I put my needs before theirs and not feel like the worst daughter in the world? What's making you feel like the worst daughter? I want to help them as much as I can financially, but I also don't want to end up like them. Are they throwing guilt trip at you? No, absolutely not.

It's on me. Do they need your money right now? They have always needed my money. I've been on a paper mortgage since I was 20, and I'm 30. They just live far beyond their means. Unfortunately, I pick up those terrible habits, but I'm on babysit two, and I'm going to be just fine. Good for you. Dave, you the reality, Dave, you can, you can pitch in on this. I think you've got to give yourself permission to say, to draw boundaries for yourself and to say, here's what I'm willing to do and here's what

I'm not willing to do. Personally, I'm not willing to let my parents live on the street, right? And so I don't know the X, Y, Z, the financial implications of what you're suggesting here. If they don't have enough money to pay for their house, at some point that bill is going to come due and punting it down the road doesn't do anybody any good. At the other side of it, yeah, if you can't make your bills and you're living way beyond your means because you're trying to help somebody else out, again, you're just punting it down the road. So I think at some point you've got to sit down and draw your boundaries out and say, here's what I'm willing to do to help and here's what I'm not. And they are grown-ups. They're all grown up.

They can make their decisions moving forward. We have terrible decisions, though. That's the problem. But they're grown-ups. That's not yours to own. Stupidity's not illegal. Right. Yeah, that's not yours to own. Usually we have this conversation backwards, right?

Yeah. Usually it's – We have them both. I know, I know. I just started listening to the show. So what is the definition – I do see that. I know, I know. I just started listening to the show. So what is the definition intellectually, without a bunch of little girl crap in your head,

what's the definition of a good daughter? I feel like I should. I don't know. Like I should never have run up my debt, and I could have paid for their house and okay you you have a friend part of them you have a friend that you're at coffee with and you're going to tell her how to be a good daughter to her mom and dad what do you tell her just love them and do what you can but it does if's doing cocaine, it's not buying his cocaine.

We're not endorsing his misbehavior, right? Right. That's not... A good daughter wouldn't buy cocaine for a cocaine addict. A good daughter is not going to participate in their insanity financially. They've got financial cocaine going over there, right?

Financial misbehavior. By paying their bills, it's not helping at all. Financial misbehavior going on over there. You participating in enabling that is not a good daughter. It's giving a drunk a drink. Right. But throwing stones at them and making fun of them and yelling at them and shaming them

isn't either. That doesn't do any good. It just makes you mad. Yeah. So I think you clean up your house and you love them from a little bit more of a distance than you have. It'd be my opinion. OK, I will try my hardest. Try not to take such responsibility for their actions.

I don't know if that's right or not. I think that's dead on. I think you, Amy, you you got to get your house in order. You got to put your mask on first and you got to look in the mirror and say I'm ready to rock and roll and then get your house in order. You've got to put your mask on first, and you've got to look in the mirror and say, I'm ready to rock and roll, and then get your plan lined up. And again, like Dave said it best, you can't enable parent behavior of 60- or 70-year-olds who've been living a certain way for X number of years, right? And it's not your job.

Nope. It's outside your job. It's not your job description. That puts us out of the Dave Ramsey Show and the books. We'll be back with you before you know it. In the meantime, remember, there's ultimately only one way to financial peace, and that's to walk daily with the Prince of Peace, Christ Jesus. In the middle of these uncertain times, Ramsey Solutions wants to give you some hope for the very first time ever. We're giving you

Financial Peace University free for 14 days. Go to DaveRamsey.com slash hope so you can watch from home.