The Ramsey Show - App - How to Nudge Your Kid Into Leaving the Nest (Hour 3)

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

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Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studios, it's the Dave Ramsey Show, where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. My co-host on the air today here on the Dave Ramsey Show, Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey personality. So we are here to answer your questions about your life and your money. Open phones at 888-825-5225. That's 888-825-5225. Heath is going to start us off from Columbus, Ohio this hour.

Hey, Heath, how are you? Hey, I'm doing well, guys. Thanks for taking my call. Sure, man. What's up? So I'm calling today to ask for your guidance on my in-law and my parents-in-law and kind of the relationship we have now. So about five years ago, my mother-in-law inherited an unknown amount of money. I'm guessing it's probably a couple hundred thousand dollars. And my father-in-law invested that with eyes wide open in the oil market, took a bunch of stuff out on margin. And this weird thing happened a couple months ago where the stock market tanked.

So they pretty much lost everything. Again, I'm unclear exactly what they had and what they lost, but they now tell us things like, oh, you know, we can't afford to pay for cable, we can't afford to pay for gasoline in our car to come visit you. And they value a lot on the phrase, we're retired. They're in their late 60s, 65, 67, and basically refusing to go back to work. You know, they have minimal savings. And my wife and I are just really struggling with how do we handle this as their children? Obviously, we want to support them, but we've got three small kids.

We just bought a house. And, you know, we're really unclear on what we should be doing as their children to guide them during this time. Heath, I like you. I like you, too. Well, I appreciate that. I like you. Now that we've got that settled. Man, here's the thing. He's not taking an emotional approach, and I have to approach a victim approach,

but it's somebody I can tell cares and loves for his in-laws and hurts for them. At the same time, he lives in a reality that he's got a wife and three kids, and they're working together to raise a house, and that's a tough situation. Other than the passive-aggressive grenades, have they actually asked directly for money? They have, yeah. There was one occasion right after everything hit with the COVID and the stock market crash for their property taxes, which were past due, so they needed money for that. And so I quickly started looking up how to handle these types of questions. And of course I found you. So I'm really grateful. I YouTube everything that you had about in-laws and, you know, not saving for retirement. And so I tried walking through him and, you know, getting him to acknowledge that, Hey, you know, my wife and I might have to go back to work. And that just went like right over his head. He was just, well, hey, either you have the money or you don't.

So I didn't give it to him, and I did have the money. And that's kind of really where, again, the struggle for me and my wife is that, you know, I make a good living. We've been blessed. You know, my side of the family, they've been very generous. So what is your household income? About $170,000. 170 okay so you are killing it and um they're probably somewhat aware of that you understand that when he made that statement that that was a that was a statement that says i am entitled to your stuff yeah i don't like that statement at all and that's that seems to be the underlying attitude

but i think i think that's you know that's where my wife and I, our fear is that, hey, they're just going to throw their hands up and whatever happens, rely on the fact that, hey, my son-in-law and his wife, who stays at home with their kids, at worst comes to worst, they'll just provide for us. And I've got a list of priorities, and my father-in-law is not the highest of those priorities. I'm telling you, I like this guy, Dave. I like this guy.

You can make fun of me. I like this guy. Okay. So, yeah, I think there's two or three levels of help that you can look at. Obviously, one, you don't want to put them on the dole where you support them the rest of your life, and they don't address the situation that's an unacceptable process making sure they have food yeah yeah that's fine making sure they have shelter that's fine um but i'm probably going to if they come at you again for money i'm probably going to have some

real calm in person if if possible, discussions with the two of them. This sounds something like this. We love you and we are not going to support you ongoing. You will always have food, but you're able-bodied and you need to get on a written game plan. And if before I give you money again, I'm going to do a full audit of your financial situation. I'm going to know where every dollar is, and I'm going to know what your income is, and we're going to do a budget together, and you're going to be on a budget that I approve or I'm not giving you any money. And if you don't want to do that, I completely understand, but those are my terms.

And I'm going to recommend that your wife be there with you in that conversation. Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, for sure, yeah. And so that they don't come back later. And, you know, I'll give you, let me tell you what I think will happen based on this comment that he made earlier. I think you're going to get the exact same reaction, and they're just going to blow you off,

in which case they are saying, I don't need your help. And so you don't have to give them help. Or my pride costs more than my desire to not be hungry. Yeah, and I'm entitled to your money, and I'm going to be a bug. That's part of it. He's embarrassed as to what happened. Yeah, we ought to be. That was a really dumb play.

He views going back to work as a failure on his part. It is. It is. That's exactly what it is. And the quicker a grown-up can recognize, hey, I screwed up, and now I've got to go make it right. Yeah. That's being a grown-up.

Not being entitled to my son-in-law's, like, and taking money out of my kids, out of my grandkids. Let me just tell you, it wasn't the stock market that got him. The stock market didn't get him. He was playing oil. He was playing commodities market. This is the most volatile market. You have a better chance of hitting the roulette wheel in Vegas

than you do doing what he was doing. That's what he was doing. And what happened was oil got him because oil went to a negative. the stock market the oil market did the commodities market debt when we had tankers sitting off shore full of oil they wouldn't offload them because the oil was worth negative amounts per barrel for a few weeks there because no one was driving and all the supply dried up there are all the use dried up the demand for gasoline dried up, and he set himself up by playing an ultra-high-risk play, whether he realized it

or not, and he went to Vegas and blew his wife's inheritance. That's what he did. We talked to him about it and what a mistake it was. I put him in touch with my financial planner. They all told him not to do it. He refused to listen to anybody um and you

know when you do all that every one of those things now limits your ability to help him you can't help him you can't because now you're if you're if you give him money you're just participating in his fantasy land participating in his delusions your financing is crazy now if you want to buy him some food and send him a bag of groceries or two over there, I'm fine with that. But these people need an overhaul of their behaviors. I don't think they're going to let you give them that. If they do, I will be stone cold shocked.

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accredited charity. It's Christians helping other Christians, and it shared nearly $97,000 to help the Olcheskis. To be a part of Christian Healthcare Ministries, visit chministries.org. That's chministries.org. CHM is a proud sponsor of Dave Ramsey Live Events. look guys these are crazy crazy times and sometimes individually we have crazy times and sometimes across the nation we have crazy times but it always gives you pause and you stop and you say wow i don't like being in debt and broke when all this crap's going on it leaves me pretty vulnerable and sometimes smart people in those situations will say things like never again never again do i want to find myself here never again will money keep me up at night. Never again will I let the news cycle put me in a panic. But you have to get prepared to have a never again moment. I mean, you have to take your never again and you have to do something about it. And we know that when you

have the right plan, the right tools and the right teaching, you never have to question if you're doing the right thing with your money. Ramsey Plus gives you all of that. It's our brand new all-access membership, and you can try it for free today. Here's how it works. You'll learn the proven money plan with our best-selling content, Financial Peace University, and all our other curriculums are in there too. And you'll learn how to budget and take control of your money with every dollar, and it syncs up with everything. Syncs up with your bank, your spouse, everything. And you track your progress with the new Baby Steps app. So you learn, you budget, and you track.

Start the money plan for real life so you're confident you're doing the next right thing with your money, and you never end up here again. Never again. This is your choice. It's a free trial right now for Ramsey Plus. So how do you do that? You want the free trial for Ramsey Plus?

It's free, by the way. Text the word trial to 33789. Text trial to 33789. Dee is in Columbia, South Carolina. Hi hi d welcome to the dave ramsey show hi thank you um i have a concern well actually i just need guidance i'm currently four years to retirement um and i've saved seventy five thousand dollars in savings. I'd like to be able to purchase two years of airtime, which would be buying two years of the four years left to retirement. And it's at $30,000 per year, the airtime.

And what I need to know is, is it safe? Should I purchase the two years of airtime? Or should I use the portion of the $75,000 to purchase the two years of airtime or should i use should i use the 75 the portion of the 75 000 to purchase the two years of airtime or should i invest it let it grow and then purchase the two years of airtime um i'm just kind of at a brick wall right now i just don't really know which direction to go i've even thought about should i try to invest it to see what's the best. I got you. Okay, so let's try this.

If you buy the retirement time, when you die, what happens to your retirement, your pension? It goes to a family member. No, it doesn't. Your state, you work for the state? Hello? I think I have the option to get the lump sum as well. No, no. When you die, they keep the money on a pension.

It doesn't come to your family. This is a pension plan you're buying, airtime in. Yes. It's the only people that offer what you're offering. So I know that. Okay? Okay. So when you die, the pension does not keep coming to your family.

You know that, right? No, I did not know that. Okay. So you thought for the rest of the time that this organization exists, who do you work for? I work for the state. It's a state job. All right.

So you think the state is going to pay your kids and then your kids' kids and then your kids' kids' kids, and they're just going to keep paying this retirement forever? Well, I was under the impression it would be a lump sum payment because I have a beneficiary listed. They asked for a beneficiary in case if I were to pass away. So maybe I need to get a better understanding of what it is. Yeah, you need to get in there.

We need to get in there and figure out what it is. Because if there's a beneficiary listed, that means it's like a 401K or a 403B. That's what it is. You don't buy airtime in those. There's no way to buy time in that. The only thing you can buy time in is in a pension plan. You probably have both okay that's again i'm not really sure normally with the state with a state job you would have

a 403b that you have a beneficiary on and that money does come to your family as a lump sum when you die and or you can roll it when you retire out to an IRA and control it. That is your money. The pension plan is based on your years of service. It pays out a certain amount. Okay. And what you're talking about buying are extra years of service and you pay for those. Do not do that. Okay. Because that dies with you. And it's a lousy rate of return. So you would be better off to take that $75,000 and get with an investment advisor and put it into a good investment. That investment then would pay you more than those two years would pay you. Oh, and when you die, your family gets that money. It doesn't stay with the state,

which the pension does stay with the state. So I think that's what's going on. I think you've gotten confused between the 403B and your pension. But with your pension, you do not buy years in a pension because it's a poor rate of return, and when you die, it dies with you. So you take that same money, put it into an investment. It die it dies with you so you take that same money put it into an investment it doesn't die with you and money goes to your heirs and it'll make you a better rate of return it'll make you more than that would have paid in 100 of the cases because the pensions are required by law to calculate it a certain way so that's how i know this it's not like they're

all different and i just don't understand yours so it's just they're set up the same way. So sit down with one of the SmartVestor pros. Click SmartVestor at DaveRamsey.com, and it'll drop down a list of SmartVestor pros, and they'll show you what I'm talking about. And they'll even help you understand your state stuff even though they don't make money on it. Man, that's so helpful. I worked for the state for a while at a public university and i did that wrong um i did the i did a safety calculation in

my head not an roi calculation and um it was it is safer yeah well probably assuming the state is running their pension plan well but it's probably safer it is safer than mutual funds yeah yeah but it but it i i lived under the illusion that's the last job I'm going to have. And I worked there for five years, and now I've got money parked, and it just gets messy, right? Yeah, and you're going to get a little tiny thing from them when you're 65, but not until. That's right. Yeah. And you don't have control over how it's invested for the next 25 years.

Exactly. So that's the problem and yeah and i think what happens is if you take that job with the state um she has or you had part of what you're after is security with that job you this one of the one of the values of taking that position is the safety of the job itself right the security of the job itself and so then you say okay that's a person that did that for that reason oh they're going to do their retirement the same way it's not that unusual okay you see it all the time and so what you did is a natural reaction of what you were there for right i'm here for the safety and security so i'm going to double down on that with my with my retirement side of things because the pension is what it's

almost you know 78 of the pensions have gone away since 1970. I mean, they're not sustainable. They don't last. And the 401K and the 403B, which was self-funded, maybe with a company match, maybe not, has completely replaced the pension with the exception of unions and some large corporations and government. But pensions otherwise with normal, medium medium-sized small companies are just gone. They just don't do them anymore.

In my situation, I had a choice to choose, and I chose the wrong one. And so I should have listened to this episode of this show. I need to back to the future of that a little bit. Yeah, we'll have to get you a DeLorean. That's exactly right. Oh, I could use a De delorean now and then yeah or not or not i'm just afraid i'd have to start over i'm not starting over i'm just no it's too painful to get here kovat's bad but starting over is worse we're going forward baby see if you start over you got to go through kovat again i'm going forward i'm not doing this

again thanks i'm not doing that and i have to go through no i don't even want to think about the things i would go through again no just it's a bad idea i'm just going forward. I'm not doing this again. I'm not doing that. And I have to go through. No, I don't even want to think about the things I would go through again. It's a bad idea. I'm just going forward from here. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. Most people's money problems come from not paying attention. That's why before I spend a dime of my money on something, I do the research and I make sure it's going to live up to what it claims. Recently, I got a great pair of sunglasses from a company called Shady Rays.

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Plus, they offer an exclusive for Ramsey Show listeners. Right now, you can grab most polarized pairs for just $28 at ShadyRays.com with the promo code DAVE to get $20 off your first pair of shady rays. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey personality is my co-host on the air today here on the Dave Ramsey Show on the debt-free stage right here in the lobby of Ramsey Solutions. Marcus and Alexa are with us. Hey, guys. Hey, Dave. Hey, Dave. How are you? Better than I deserve. Welcome. Where do you guys live? Lexington, Kentucky. Oh, it's a beautiful area. Welcome to Nashville and here to do a debt-free scream. Yes, sir. How much have you paid off? 30 grand.

Cool. How long did this take? About 12 months. Good for you. And your range of income during that time? Went from 90 to about 140. Cool. Cool. Very good. And what kind of debt was this? Two car payments and then some medical bills on top of that. Okay, cool. So what happened 12 months ago? Let you guys up well we got fpu as a christmas gift from our parents when we first got married and we how long ago was that about two and a half years ago okay all right so then something happened to make you get it off the shelf huh yeah we went through it and to be honest, we kind of went Dave-ish for a while. Ramsey-ish. Ramsey-ish.

And then we fast forward to about a year ago. We were in the middle of building a house, and we're like, holy cow, we are in a lot of debt before we started building our house. So we really need to get our finances straight before adding more debt on top of what we have right now. So we powered through the baby steps, started chipping away at our debt snowball, and here we are today. Wow. It feels great. Wow.

Who had the first conversation? Both. Both of us. Both of us. It was mutual. Yeah, it was mutual, but I think I was a little bit more scared than he was. Kind of like, we're going to be in some big, big trouble, my friend, if we don't get ourselves straight. Because we were newly married and we personally didn't think we had that much debt, to be honest.

We thought, you know, normal debt is normal debt. Well, it is normal. Yeah. Normal sucks, but it's normal. Well, it is normal. Yeah. Normal sucks, but it's normal. Yeah, it is. Well, good for you guys. So you get an attack mode. You get the Financial Peace University off the shelf.

Did you go to a class or what did you do? It was just the videos. Okay. All right. So you watch through the videos and that caused you to get game on and knock out 30 grand. Yeah. And we listen to podcasts about every day, too. Okay.

All right. We had a lot of cheerleaders, especially my parents, were like, you really need to do this. Get yourself set up for financial success because we wanted to start a family at the same time. And, of course, in the middle of our debt snowball, we found out we were going to be parents for the's build a house get out of debt and have a baby all in one let's just get it all off the way out of the way at one time yeah all all in one i think once our son was born we just really started attacking it more and i think we pretty much just reached over and paid it off yeah because we had you've been saving up during that time right to get ready for the baby yeah way to go guys so how's it feel feels great amazing especially since we have another one on

the way oh there we go game on game on so when's that is the house done yeah all right so you're in the house got the new baby another baby on the way and you're dead free life's happening yeah very fast yeah it's. It's rolling out. So what do you tell people the key to getting out of debt is? Don't delay it. Don't delay. Just go ahead and knock it out. Keep going.

Really stick to a budget. Be self-disciplined, I think, is the biggest thing. And have those hard conversations with each other because I think that was what we feared the most is having that first initial conversation of really getting ourselves started from the very beginning but it wasn't that bad it wasn't that bad it's pretty easy what you did I say it's hard but it's not that bad once you actually see the light at the end of the tunnel it I mean once you see your success it it really gives you motivation to get it done yeah well well done you guys we're proud of you thank you motivation to get it done. Yeah.

Well, well done, you guys. We're proud of you. Way to go, heroes. You're changing that baby's life. Yep. Both of them. All right. Very good. All of them.

That's right. Very, very cool. It's incredible. Very good. So we got a copy of Chris Hogan's book for you, Everyday Millionaires. That's the next chapter for you. And you brought baby one with you, right? What's his name?

Baby Henry. Baby Henry. Hey, that's his name baby henry baby henry so he's gonna be my son what's up henry what's up man he looks ready he looks ready for a dead free scream how old is he 10 months 10 months i hope you don't scare him too bad when you laugh yeah okay good all right hey dave you and uh baby henry have very similar haircuts. That's pretty cool, man. No question, buddy. You can't say anything back to me. The only difference is he's going to get over it. That's true. All right.

Marcus, Alexa, and Henry from Lexington. $30,000 paid off in 12 months, making $90,000 to $140,000. Count it down. Let's hear a debt-free scream. Three, two, one. We're debt-free! Yeah! Henry's used to a party.

That's good, man. Well done. Henry's used to mom and dad yelling in the living room about their successes. That's fantastic. We're getting out of debt! Yeah, love it. Hey, our question of the day comes about bid successes. That's fantastic. We're getting out of that. Yeah, love it. Hey, our question of the day comes from Blinds.com. Find out for yourself why Blinds.com is the number one online retailer

of custom window coverings. You get free samples, free shipping, and with the new promos. Oh, they use the promo code Ramsey. You can even get the best possible deal. Dr. John, our question. Today's question comes from Renee in Arizona. She visits DaveRamsey.com to ask, I'm a single mom, I have three sons, two married,

and my third son Hayden will be 22 on May 19, 2020. He's living here at home with me. Hayden graduated in 2016 and attended college for a year, decided this was not for him. He's been working as a server at a local steakhouse now for about three to four years. How can I help Hayden move forward? He seems to need help figuring out what he really wants to do,

and of course, he needs motivation. My goal is to be a loving, supportive parent, not an enabler. I'd love to get your advice. Tough single mom. She's tough. Tough single mom. And she tough. Tough single mom. And she's one of these single moms that loves her sons.

Yeah, two older brothers are married. They're going on their way. Baby boy's hanging out. And she loves him, but he doesn't have any problems. He's got a mama who loves him. He's got a bed that's warm or an Arizona that's got a mama who loves him he's got a bed it's warm or in arizona that's got air conditioning renee your baby boy needs some problems your baby boy you can't you can't give somebody motivation right dave you can't force somebody

to be motivated you can set up environments where they choose they self-select into motivation it's called hunger that's right it's called rent it's called a deadline it's called honey i'm a single mom i've put in enough time with you and your three crazy brothers and it's time for me to live my best crazy renee life amen amen amen amen so set your mother free son that's right that's right and i bet hayden's probably a good guy and i bet hayden loves his mom too yeah he's not a bad guy and it's time for him to um he's not a bad guy he just needs he just needs a little jolt not not a full-on cattle prod but just a little no just a size like in the side of the ribs like just a little poke across both of his butt size 7 Renee foot. Like in the side of the ribs. Like just a little poke. Across both of his butt cheeks, out of the nest.

Get him out of there. Let him fly. And I guarantee you, with a mom like Renee, Hayden's going to be a general manager at this day, Kelsey, in the next six or eight months. Yeah. And then he's going to be running the place. Or he'll go back to school. That's right. Or both.

That's right. Yeah. So here's what we do. All sarcasm and funny jokes aside and all that. Son, I love you too much to let you live here. So I'm going to work with you. I'm okay with X number of months. You've got four months left.

And just give an actual date. The end of September, you are going to be on your own, young man. And so I'm going to help you with the budget, and I'll help you with talking about how you can make some money between now and then and how you can make some money to pay your way around after you get out. So you've got plenty of off-ramp here. It's not like we're tossing you in the street, but we're moving you to that direction. And so this is coming.

It's coming. It's coming. And don't just talk about it one time talk about it all the time and renee needs to have somebody in her life because as a single mom who's had to fight and scratch and claw to support three sons she's going to slowly start to feel that emptiness and that loneliness she's got renee you got to get a gang you got to get a team of people around you got to get a community getting a got to get a team of people around. You got to get a community. Getting a good church. And also I'd get his two big brothers to gang up on him. That's right.

Cause they're out there being responsible. Good for you, Renee. Mom of the year. Yeah. You're doing great. Give him an exact deadline and help him to work towards it. That's a loving thing to do.

You don't need failure to launch. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. our scripture of the day james 1 5 if any of you lacks wisdom you should ask god who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to you benjamin franklin said tell Benjamin Franklin said, tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn. Oh, that's the problem with the education system. There it is right there. Love it. All summed up.

Darcy's in Richland, Washington. Hi, Darcy. Welcome to the Dave Ramsey Show. Hi. What a pleasure to talk to you guys. You too. What's up? So I just want to start by saying thank you for taking my call.

And I love your show. I listen to it almost every day when I go running in the mornings. And I really like the addition of Dr. Deloney to the show. Thank you. It's been great to hear his relationship insight and all those good things. So my question is about paying for school. So within the last year, my husband and I have gotten to baby steps four, five, and six, which has been amazing since, you know, this whole COVID thing, I just can't even express

how much peace that's given us to only have, you know, our house payment. And it's just been amazing. So we decided after years of being at home and being an at-home mom and working from home as a piano teacher that it was time for me to go back to school. So I have enrolled and I'm taking some summer classes and I've already paid for the summer and the fall semester here coming up. And it should just take me until December of next year. So we, so we've already cash flowed those semesters and I'm pretty sure with like the bonuses and money that we don't depend on, we'll be able to pay for most of next year. But when it comes to that last semester, I was not sure. And then at that time, is it okay to dip into, like, our emergency fund if it's just for a short time

and then, you know, we'll be able to put that money back in once I'm finished? Or are there other options we should consider to pay for that last semester, like pausing retirement or pausing our 529s? I might pause retirement. I don't touch the emergency fund for something that's not an emergency. Okay. This is a planned event. It's a purchase.

Yeah. And so it's not an emergency by definition. So if you have to pause retirement and you can't cash flow it, I think, though, based on what you're telling me, you're going to cash flow it and not have to do either. Okay. Because I think you're looking at the target. You're looking at the target.

You're looking at the target, and you're making adjustments in lifestyle and other things to free up cash between now and that last semester, way out there, you're going to get there. Okay. And Darcy, how old are you? I just turned 40. Just turned 40. And I'm, like, super excited.

So can I tell you, Darcy, listen, I want to tell you this because you're going to have a lot of obstacles. And like Dave said, you've got your eye on the target eye on the target my mom took her first community college class at 42 she took a second one the next year a second one the following semester and kept slowly going

slowly going she got her bachelor's degree had a professor say hey you know what keep going keep going and at 57 she graduated with her PhD. And now almost knocking on the door of 70, she's a department chair of some university in a different city and with a whole other second half of her life because she took the step and she started one class at a time. So I want to encourage you.

You've got this, Darcy. You're going to be able to cash flow it, like Dave said. Yeah, you're going to make it. Believe in yourself and go get them. Way to go. Great story. Tiffany's in Dallas. Hi, Tiffany. Welcome've got this, Darcy. You're going to be able to cash flow it, like Dave said. Yeah, you're going to make it. Believe in yourself and go get them. Way to go. Great story. Tiffany's in Dallas. Hi, Tiffany.

Welcome to the Dave Ramsey Show. Hi. How are you? Great. How can we help? So I was calling because I recently got married. Well, not recently. It'll be a year in November. And, um, my husband and I, we were, um, well,

I thought we were on board to, um, follow the plan. I actually went through your class, um, a couple of years ago. And so I was telling my husband about it and he seemed excited initially. Um, but, um, I guess maybe after a few months of being married, we had joint bank accounts, and then he decided he wanted to have separate bank accounts. And in that time when we had the joint bank account, we did pay off a few of our credit cards that we had separately and student loans. And so now we haven't had that conversation anymore. It was just kind of like, I'm not sure.

Why? It was kind of like an abrupt decision. No. He had the conversation. He just went and did it. Why haven't you said that's not okay? Well, I did, and he just kind of implied that he didn't want to have separate, or he just said he didn't want to have separate accounts.

He wanted to have separate accounts. Why? Well, he said he didn't like the way I was spending money, and when I brought to his attention that, you know, we paid off student loans, we paid off credit cards. Wait a minute. Weren't the two of you working together on a budget? No, you weren't.

We did a couple times. No, you weren't. We did a couple times. No, you weren't, because you were spending money, and he didn't like how you were spending money, because you guys didn't have a plan where you were working together. Yeah. Hey, Tiffany, this doesn't feel like a big deal, but I want you to sound every alarm you have. This is a big deal.

The number one cause of divorce in North America today is money fights and money problems. Jesus said your treasure is where your heart is. He just took his treasure and took it away from you and set it over to the side and cut you out. Right. This is dangerous relationship ground. This is stop the presses. Get somebody that you trust in your life that can sit down with the both of you, and you'd have this conversation like today or tomorrow. Good pastor, good marriage counselor, somebody to walk you guys through this, and you combine your lives for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. Unto thee all my worldly goods I pledge.

That's the old-fashioned marriage vows that no one says anymore. Because the combining of your lives and the combining of your assets and the combining of your spending decisions causes the combining of your values and forces detailed in-depth communication. And there's a lot of thrashing around going on at your house where he just jerks stuff away, and then you stand there looking like a deer in the headlights going, what happened? Because you were over here overspending or you were spending money,

and he couldn't control you or some kind of crap is going on here. I don't know what it is, but I smell stink. Something's not right. Somebody's heart's not settled a year in, whether it's yours or his or both. But this is a giant red neon flashing light saying danger, danger, and you've got to address it soon. And address it with a good heart. If you come in and say, hey, these two knuckleheads on the radio said that you screwed up. We're about to get a divorce.

Yeah, don't do that. That's not what we're saying. We are saying if you don't fix this when you're 30, you know, 10 years from now, this will have gotten much worse. It's not going to naturally get better. Systems left to themselves deteriorate unless you put pressure on them to polish and to become. And marriage is a system in that regard. So I've seen this for 30 years coaching couples. It's a very, very dangerous sign.

So, yeah, you guys need to get on the same page. He is either controlling or he's ultimately disgusted with you or both over the handling of money, and you guys need to get on the same page. So we'll help. You guys sit down with a good marriage counselor, get some coaching before this gets worse. It's not a lightweight thing and then i'll give you ramsey plus and you guys get in there and go through uh go through financial peace university get on the every dollar budget together and combine your finances and come into agreement every month before the month begins as to where

our spending is going to occur and and you both have a vote. He doesn't have the only vote. And neither do you. And neither do you. This is called marriage. We're going to work together. We're going to compromise for the good of the couple. And you surrender yourself.

He surrenders himself for the good of the pair. And so what I do when Sharon and I are looking at this, okay, what's good for the two of us, not what do I want. And I don't double up my fists and have a fit like a four-year-old kid on the cereal aisle. It happened yesterday in my house. I said, hey, let's start putting some money in savings here instead of putting money over here. My wife said, I don't feel comfortable with that.

What if we split the difference? And I trust her, and she trusts me, and she was wise, and I wasn't being unwise. I just had an idea in my head, and together we made a good decision, and now we're on the same page moving forward. That's it. This is how it works. That puts this hour of the Dave Ramsey Show in the books. We'll be back with you before you know it.

In the meantime, remember, there's ultimately only one way to financial peace, and that's to walk daily with the Prince of Peace, Christ Jesus. This is James Childs, producer of The Dave Ramsey Show. On your smart speaker, you can add our skill by saying, Alexa, open the Ramsey Network skill. From there, you can listen to all our shows, ask Dave money questions like, how do I invest my money?

Or what is the debt snowball? Find out more at DaveRamsey.com.