The Ramsey Show - App - I Don't Want the House My Grandma Has Offered Me (Hour 1)

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

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Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is The Ramsey Show, and it's where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life, your money, your relationships, your work, just everything where you want to max out, because we know you people are listening to The Ramsey Show because you want to be the best in every area of your life. You want to make a difference, and we're here to give you hope that you can and give you a clear path to be able to do it. I'm Ken Coleman, Ramsey personality, host of The Ken Coleman Show on the Ramsey Network, and your host today, along with my co-host, Dr. John Deloney, who's host of the Dr. John Deloney Show on the Ramsey Network. And we're here together, 888-825-5225, 888-825-5225 is the phone number. As I was coming on the air, I had a bit of a chuckle because my colleague who is, well, he's unpredictable is a great way of saying it. And we have a lovely studio audience here today.

And as I was just doing the general opener, out of the corner of my eye, John is at a rock concert giving the rock on to our fantastic studio audience out there. So I want to say hello to them. We'd love for you to come watch the show sometime from our Ramsey Solutions headquarters. You can figure out how to do that at RamseySolutions.com and come visit us. We'd love to have you. We've got free drinks, free food.

And so, John, were you inspired to do that by the dude wearing the Beatles shirt, or is that just your normal greeting, the rock on? I mean, I just am curious. I've never had anybody ask me it that way but i think that's my normal greeting yeah i think it is you're just you're just yeah i have the most awkward greeter and i know it and i try and when i try to be less awkward it just becomes more awkward i saw someone in the parking lot the other day and they were so kind and they said

hey are you john deloney and i said yeah thanks for coming but that's not what i said i did some weird like it was the most awkward like i just wanted to hug him say i'm sorry i love you this whole i have a great awkward greeting story for you okay uh i shared this on my show recently we do these funny work fails on fridays and so one lady submitted that she was walking into the office. I feel like I could do this whole show. You could do this. Funny work fail. So this lady's walking into the office.

James, you'll actually love this. And she's walking in, and she's walking in, and a co-worker's walking out of the door. And she says, hey, how you doing, somebody like that. And he basically combines the word, how you doing, and hey, and she thought he meowed at her. So we don't know what he said, but her recollection is that he went meow. And so in a moment of what do I do, she went meow back at him, to which he looked at her like she was an alien because he clearly hadn't meowed at her. So how about that? The rest of her working career with that guy she's worried about

what that time you made a cat noise that was weird so there you go it's good to see you he's going to be in a meeting one day and someone's going to put her picture up on an overhead yeah an overhead because this story takes place in 1974 yeah they're going to put it up on a computer screen and um they're going to meow say hey we should we should promote her and he's gonna be like um she's a cat lady. She is a cat lady. Yeah. So there you go.

We've all had those moments. Here's the deal. Don't sweat it. Don't worry about it. Move on. Shall we move on to the phones? Let's do that. 888-825-5.

Hey, come on. That was fun, James. That was fun. He's like, please get to the phones. James is actually one of the co-authors of a really famous internet page called funruiner.com. He is. He's one of the co-creators. He's got the spiritual gift of being a wet blanket.

888-825-5225 is the phone number. We love James. James is amazing. He's always a bright spirit. 888-825-5225. Let's go to Atlanta where we started off. Franklin is joining us there. Franklin, how can we help? I'm doing well.

Hope you guys are too. John, honored to talk to you. You always give sage advice and dig a little bit deeper and hit the nail on the head. So just thank you. Hope you guys can help me out today. What's up? So my grandparents, it's been their intention ever since I was born to give me their house that they have lived in.

They actually built it. Could have been on home and gardens, done a lot of acreage. Very beautiful. But my grandfather has since passed. My grandmother is now eight and nine, and it's in a lot of disrepair. And furthermore, there's no use for me to have this house. It's an hour away from where me and my wife and my family are currently living, and it's the amount of keep it would require.

It's almost a full-time job, so there's just no way I can keep it. But my grandma always tells me, you know, now that she's getting at the end of her life, it's her intent is to give me this house. I'm in a will to do what she actually wants to do. Go ahead and title it to me now. But I don't have it in my heart really to tell her that I would not plan on keeping this house. My intent

would be to sell it, unfortunately, just because I want it to be a blessing and not a burden. So kind of having some issues dealing with that. What is it a... Why can't you just take the house? And then when it comes time for you to make decisions that are right for you and your family at a later time, you can make those decisions then? I can certainly do that. And I think – I guess my issue comes down to, you know, she always asks me what would I do with the house, you know, when it is mine.

And I kind of, you know, shrug my shoulders, you know, not really sure yet. I have to make a decision about that later, but in my heart, I know we would sell it. So I just feel bad, I guess, I don't want to say leading her on, but I kind of just feel bad about, you know, telling her or even just doing that really. I think there's a lot of equity issues too, where I've been kind of the golden child of the family. Yep. And there's a lot of other grandkids and other... There it is. That's what I was getting at. This has nothing to do with that house, dude.

You don't want to be that kid, right? Yeah, I mean, that's definitely part of it. I think the bigger part really is I don't want to let her down, and I feel like I would be letting both my late grandfather and her down by selling the property. I disagree with that. It may be a conversation you have with the rest of your family. You're a grown-up.

You can do what you want to with a gift that somebody gives you. If it's a family home and it's a family estate, then clearly if you're going to sell it, then you could sell it for a dollar to your cousin, right? Or you could create a trust. There's a hundred different things you could sell it for a dollar to your cousin, right? Or you could create a trust. There's a hundred different things you could do with it. It sounds like you're making it a bigger ethical deal than it needs to be. And if you think it needs to stay in the family but you don't want it,

if you don't want to, quote, unquote, disappoint somebody that gave you a gift, then do what you want to do with it. But I don't see any reason why you need to tell your grandma, hey, I'm not taking this gift. How old is she? 86? 89? I mean, I don't know.

It's going to be a gift to her to let her take the gift. What do you think, Ken? I don't disagree with what you're saying, John. But I would challenge you, Franklin, if you don't want the house for the reasons that you don't want the house. It's not like her coming to your birthday party when you're 11 and giving you a birthday present and you're going, I don't want a birthday present from you. I think that's stinging pretty hard.

I think if you explain to her why you don't want the house, but you're honored, you're feeling all the feelings, and you say, Grandma, I don't want the house, but I want her to hear it. I think at some point you've got to put your big boy pants on, and I think there's a way to do that. But I don't disagree with house, but I want her to get it. I think at some point you've got to put your big boy pants on, and I think there's a way to do that. But I don't disagree with what John said either. I think you've got to get over. Either way, you're going to have to get over disappointing somebody.

There you go. I think that's the issue. Either I'm disappointed or I'm worried about criticism from my siblings or whoever else, Uncle Larry or the cousins, or I'm worried about Grandma being disappointed. At some point, John, I'm not going to make a major life decision that I don't believe I should do just because it might disappoint somebody. So I'm going to be a little bit tougher and go, put your big boy pants on, Franklin, and

tell Grandma the truth. I think she can handle it. But be loving and very respectful in the process. That's what I do. And I'd take the house. And we'll figure it out later. That's why I said I don't disagree. I love it. But if he's worried about his other other stuff at some point he's got to make the decision hey

we got to get out of here more ramsay show coming right up you know i heard a sad and touching story recently zander insurance has set up a scholarship for children whose parents died without life insurance. Last year, they gave away over $165,000 to help kids avoid debt and go to college to pursue their dreams. It's touching, but also sad since it's a situation that occurs all over the country and can be avoided in so many cases. This is the reason why I talk about Zander and term life insurance every day. It's not expensive or complicated, and it's gotten even easier with many companies no longer

requiring medical exams. Zander shops and compares all the top term life plans and stays with you the whole time to make sure your family is taken care of. That's why I've used and recommended them for over 20 years. Go to Zander.com or call 800-356-4282. So I don't have to keep talking about these sad stories. Welcome back, America. You're listening to The Ramsey Show. I'm Ken Coleman, joined by my colleague, John Deloney. And we are here for you to give you hope, to give you practical answers, to help you win in all areas of your life.

So we're talking about your money, of course, which you've come to know and love. We're going to talk about your work. I specialize in helping you get the income you want and the impact that you want. Working on purpose. That's right. John is going to help you on your life and relationships, the mental, emotional health as well. John and I like to combine from time to time when we get these calls, John, where folks are just in a nasty professional situation, and it's got the relationship and emotional component and the professional component.

So we like those. So I'm going to put that out there. If you've got a pretty hairy situation at work, nasty culture, maybe even some toxic, abusive leadership or coworkers, boy, we like those. We can tear those apart. What was that show with your kids? It was Voltron. What? When they came together and they joined their powers, they became stronger. workers uh boy we like those we tear those apart so what was that show your kids is voltron well when they came together and they joined their powers they became stronger is that voltron

james james help us out thinking of captain planet captain planet no it was voltron but it's cool okay captain planet they say our powers combine so yeah so we'll combine our powers is what you're trying to say bears i think there's a lot of power combined yeah we'll do the professional and the psychological the relational the professional we'll do the professional and the psychological, the relational, the professional. We'll do it all. So there you go. Here's how you get in, 888-825-5225. It is a toll-free number, 888-825-5225.

Let's go to Morgan now, who joins us in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Morgan, how can we help? Hi, guys. Thanks for taking my call. I will be 25 next month. I just left a two-year relationship where I lived with my boyfriend in his home, so I had to move back with my parents. Not really ideal for my age. I have no debt at all, and I really want to move out, but with my current job salary, I will be living almost paycheck to paycheck.

Recently, earlier this week, I got a new job offer that's almost $20,000 more a year. But the schedule is not something I would want to work. It's an off shift. It's third shift. And then they said they might actually need to move me to second shift, possibly. So I'm a morning person. I function best on a normal work schedule, normal sleep schedule, but this job would be the answer to my prayers financially. So I'm just really having a hard time deciding on what I should do.

Okay, I think there's two clear options here, Morgan, and I'm fine with either one. John, you may come up with a different option. One, you take the new job, and even though it's not ideal for you, I didn't hear anything that's really detrimental to your health and it's a short-term play it gets you out of mom and dad's house fresh start after the two-year relationship you got a lot of transition going on it may get you some mojo some juice a fresh start is it No. But is it the answer to your prayers financially? Those

were your words. So I like that option. And what we do is we take it and we have an eye to the future looking for the actual work we want to do. And we use this as a springboard to the next. Okay. And I can address the next if you're wondering what that is. That's one option. The other option is you go, all right, I just got a job offer for $20,000 more, but it's not ideal, but it tells me I am very marketable, which is true, and we are in a great job market, which is true, and you can hang out with mom and dad a little bit longer and not be so ashamed of being back with mom and dad at 25 after a two-year breakup.

I don't think that makes you a loser, and if you need to lick your wounds and get healthy, I'm okay with you staying with mom and dad until you find another job that may be more ideal. I think those are two clear decisions. I don't have a problem if you pass on this one, but I certainly don't think it's a bad idea to take it and let it be the springboard to the next. Yeah.

Morgan, did your mom and dad like this guy? Uh, no, they did not at all. Okay. So I actually wrote that down. Um, it sounds like you are heartbroken and relieved and living out of shame. Yep. You're embarrassed to be back at your house. Is that fair? Your mom's house? Uh, yeah, a little bit. So I think Ken is super wise. $20,000 is $20,000. Take the job and rock it on and you're not locked into this forever thing. And the other

side of it is, which I think is wiser, is don't live out of embarrassment. Choose not to live out of embarrassment. Please. Okay? It sucks. It is what it is. You got in the boxing ring and you got knocked down. It happens to 100% of boxers.

And you got knocked down and now you're going to stay at home. You're embarrassed. You can even take your mom and dad out to dinner and say, y'all were right and y'all told me so dinner. Love that. And you can pay for everything and then you can spend the next six months to a year saving your money up and then, like Ken said, find the perfect job for you.

If you're worth $20,000 more now at this place, you're worth $20,000 more at other jobs, too. Yeah, Morgan, I'm just curious. Where do you want to end up? Do you know what the direction is? Not exactly. So I have done a little bit of college work. I stopped because I wasn't exactly sure what major I wanted to pursue, and I'm still kind of in that boat.

I don't really feel like I have, like, a dream job or a dream career to pursue right now. Okay. What are you wondering about? Because I know somebody as sharp as you, you've had a couple of ideas, and I get being unsure. I want to know what the idea that keeps popping up the most is. Say it. Don't think. Okay. So for a long time, I really wanted to go into like the cosmetology,

esthetician kind of beauty field, but I've always been, you know, knocked down and people say you can't make very much money there. Oh, I can't stand those people. You know, I paid my barber yesterday. What'd you pay? Billion dollars. Yeah. I got to tell you, I've got a couple of friends that own cosmetology businesses, and they're crushing it.

I'm so sick of they. All right, Morgan, I'm so glad I asked you this. You thought you were getting out of this call. Oh, we're just getting started, Doc. All right, Morgan. Yeah. Listen to me. If I told you that you could make good money, enough money, and yet you could be very successful in the cosmetology field.

Would you do it tomorrow? Yeah. I want you to tell me the why. What draws you to that? Think about the actual work and result of the work? I think it's just always something I've had a passion for and the idea of making people, you know, feel good after they're in your chair or in your salon or your suite makes me, like, makes me feel good about that idea. And I just always had been drawn to that. There it is. So what if I told you, Morgan, that I think you were created

with talents that are probably people related and then creative related to make women feel beautiful and confident and special and if you don't do that you're not impacting the people that you were put on this planet to impact how does that sound so i'm scary if i don't pursue it now when you say it like that well i don't want to scare you but i want you to does your heart agree with that statement forget about the fear do you agree that that's something that would make you feel very very full yeah i think it would you notice there was nothing in that john about money no it was about impact meaning do people bear their souls to you morgan or do they bear their souls to you, Morgan,

or do they bear their souls to people that they're in the chair getting loved on? Yeah. John? Do your parents tell you not to be an esthetician? No, they kind of support me with whatever that I ever choose to do. Let's reframe your whole situation. You're 25. You're untethered.

You got rid of an idiot. And you got free room and board for a season to go get your licensure and go start crushing it. Yeah. And I'm not even a guy that uses crushing it kind of language because it sounds like, yeah, bro, like I've got big tires on my truck and I don't. But I think you can crush it. Yep. I think you can crush it. Yep. I think you're right in the perfect season. And if you'll be graceful with yourself, take your mom and dad out, have a ceremony.

Heaven, I told you so at dinner. Y'all were right. I'm 25. Way to go, mom and dad. And then turn that sucker around and tell them, I need an 18-month plan. This is going to be weird for all of us. I'll follow your weird rules. But you can go get it rent-free, and they can launch you out into the universe with your certificate,

and then you go get it done, man. Yes, Morgan. And, Morgan, I want to take you back to that moment on the call where you said, Oh, it feels scary, Ken, if I don't do it. I don't want that to be fear. I want you to feel, though, the responsibility. I think you felt the weight that there are women in this world that need to encounter Morgan. What you think is making it feel beautiful may be the day that makes them feel confident enough to make their own big decision.

Folks, there's purpose in every piece of work. I don't care if you're a plumber or you're a professor. Oh, good stuff. Morgan, go do it. And I like staying with mom and dad a little longer. This is a beautiful bridge. Don't be afraid to walk it. All right. Don, go do it. And I like staying with mom and dad a little longer. This is a beautiful bridge. Don't be afraid to walk it. Alright, don't go anywhere. More life change.

More hope. More breakthrough. Coming up, this is the Ramsey Show. I'm Ted Coleman, joined by my colleague, John Deloney. We're here with you this hour, taking your questions about life. John and I, specifically, we focus on our shows. By the way, they're named after us, so you don't have to search real hard on that. We're on the Ramsey Network.

And John and I are going to answer your money questions, as you come to expect here on the Ramsey Show. But we'll also dive into our areas. I'm helping people figure out what they were born to do. You were created to work. In other words, created to contribute. So I want to help you get that bigger shovel, make more money, get promoted so you can get out of debt faster. I also want you to make the impact.

So income and impact is what I'm focused on. And, of course, John, life and relationships and the mental and emotional stuff, helping so many people who are hurting. He's going to untangle those difficult relationships and difficult situations. So we're going to add that to the list of calls. And John and I are here for you. We'd love to hear from you. 888-825-5225, 888-825-5225.

Hey, you need to find out for yourself why Blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window coverings. You get free samples, free shipping, and with the new promos they run every month, you'll save even more. Use the promo code RAMSEY to get the best deal. Today's question comes from John in Michigan. He asked, I'm a mechanical engineer in the auto industry making $100,000 a year. My wife works for an airline and earns $50,000. We are debt-free other than our mortgage and have a considerable amount in savings in our 401k and retirement accounts. I have an opportunity to take a job at a startup company that would increase my pay by 50%. Boy, this just keeps getting better. I wonder if he's got a question in here or he's just telling us how good life is.

The company is in green energy and has contracts for at least the next two years. I've never worked for a startup before. The work sounds exciting, but what are the things I need to consider? Okay, there we go, John. Now, this is a bit of an onion because the reality is we have no track record. Right. So you can't go do your homework and talk about culture and try to find out. I mean, there are startups.

I would try to find somebody who works over there and do get an idea of what the current culture is like. We don't have a track record, but we can at least say, what's the shared behavior over there? How do they act? We can get that. I certainly would start there, John. But aside from that, this is going to come down to what I would call a calculated risk. I am not a fan of a wee risk.

I'm just not. Unless you have zero, zero financial issues and there is no financial risk. In your situation, you guys are making really good money. You're debt-free other than the mortgage, but you still got the mortgage. And so I would do the calculated risk here. And what I'm saying is I would get down to it and I would ask myself, first of all, is this something that's in my sweet spot? Now, here's what I teach. You got to have the talent for it. I mean top talents. You've got to love the work, the actual task, the role that you would fill.

You've got to love the work. And then the results of that work have got to connect to your values. You've got to be missional. Those results matter deeply to you. If you do that, John, and this job answers those three questions, yes, then I'm fine with it. Because the reality is, is that you got an opportunity that if it goes crashing down, you're not going to be tainted the rest of your life. You're in pretty good financial situation. You got the emergency fund in place. And I would walk into that. That's a calculated risk. If your heart's saying yes, after we qualify, is it in my sweet spot risk if your heart's saying yes after we qualify is it in my

sweet spot if your heart's saying yes financially this is not a big risk i'd do it absolutely i say again i'm more of a we guy than you are i know um well i'm okay with we if there's zero financial implications yeah well i think i i think there's going to be some financial implication, but I don't see green energy investments going away. No. And clearly he's on the front end of the auto industry if they're trying to pull him over there. So he's a mechanical engineer that may be working on some of the new technology in the auto industry.

And so if someone's going to pull you over and increase your pay by 50%, my gut tells me is you're on the front end of some stuff and you're good at what you do. So if this thing goes away in two years, you'll be able to go find work. It doesn't taint you. You can say, hey, I went and took a shot at a startup. You've got a story. You've got this professional narrative called your resume and experience, and no one's going to shame you for that. And here's what I love.

I love that you're taking your same talent, your same skill, and you're applying it to a different industry. You've got the auto industry. Now you've got the energy industry. You're going to meet new people. You're going to make new contacts. You're going to learn a whole new industry. I love that. And just a quick review because we have a lot of people listening to the show, and they're new to you and me depending on what day they listen.

What I just said, I want to review that. If you want to know whether or not you should take a job beyond the financial implications, but you're going, will I be happy there? You've got to know if it's in the sweet spot. And that is where talent, what you do best, hard skills, soft skills, passion for the work. You love the actual task and role. You've got to really enjoy it. And then the results of the work got to set your heart on fire. Now that's a dream job, but you've got to run that analysis, John, because when you do, and if you get, yes, I'm talented, I've got the talent, yes, I love the work, yes, the results matter to me, that is a ding, ding, ding. Stop thinking about it. Your heart should be going, yes, yes, yes, and then we make all the other logical decisions. Is it a good company culture,

and is this a good move for me financially? But don't overthink this, folks. That's a very simple construct. So there you go. 844, excuse me, that's the wrong number. That's my number. John, have you done that yet when you've hosted the show? No, because I haven't even memorized my number yet. You haven't memorized your number? Oh, that's nice.

It's on a board, yeah. When you memorize your number, you've got to get back into the – I got this one, 888-255-225. I got that, but I've got to pay attention. 888-255-225 is the number. Let's go to Sammy in Chicago. Sammy, how can we help? Hi, thanks for taking my call.

You bet. What's up? So me and my husband are on baby step four, but we need to build a fence to keep our dogs safe. So we're kind of torn between that decision, whether we just keep throwing all the money towards the debt or because we eventually need to build a fence because we have dogs that will run. So I'm just kind of torn between the two, and I don't know what would be the wisest decision. Okay. You said baby step four, okay?

Two, sorry. Oh, okay. All right. That's what confused me. All right. How much is it going to cost to build the fence? We've kind of calculated it out, but there's just so many different materials, but we think it might be around $1,500 to $2,000.

Okay, where are the dogs now? They're in their cage. So they're not running out now. I'm trying to determine. No, they're in the house. They're inside dogs, but when we take them out to go to the bathroom, our yard isn't fenced in. How much debt do you got?

Yeah. We've got around $50,000. What's your income? What's the repayment projection for this? We should have our debt paid off by December 2023. So, John, here's where I'm at. This is one of those things where can you cash flow it? Can you sell something and still stay on the... Yes, I think this is not that big of an expense. So, if it's that big of a deal, the thing that's throwing me off is the dogs are already...

They're not running away now. So, you're clearly taking them out with the leash you're just wanting to be able to open the door not worry about fido that's what this boils down to yeah correct well we want to be able to you know get them out there then um get exercise play fetch with our dog and to be able to smell things so they're kind of just put on the leash and then they just go to the bathroom, so they don't really get a lot of outdoor time, which they need because they're very energetic. I totally understand. What if I told you to sell your dogs?

Oh, geez. It wouldn't happen. Okay, so that's what I wanted to know, and I was testing you. Because if you said, well, we've thought about it, then I would tell you to go sell your dogs. But your response, no, I'd really get rid of my husband first. Then go build a fence. Yeah, build a fence. Go build a fence and sleep fine.

Yeah, cash flow. You're probably better off these days building it out of gold than with lumber because lumber costs a million dollars a fence board. But go ahead and build your fence. Call it good. Don't lose a second of sleep over it. If you borrow money, I'm going to tell Dave on you. He's out of town. I'm going to tell him. He's him he's gonna come to your house i'm gonna email him right now that

you're not gonna do this so he puts the pressure on yeah bar borrowing money wasn't wasn't an option sammy has cash where we just don't know whether to put it towards the debt or for the fence pay for the fence right back on the snow but don't let this be the slippery slope. Yeah. Where you're like, well, let's go ahead and we need tacos tonight too. And we need to go ahead and get new windows. And while we're at it, don't do that. This could be a slippery slope. Pay for the fence.

You need it. And then move on with your life. Yep. You can do this. Listen, you're on track. You got the budget. You're knocking stuff out. This is just an adjustment.

Get through it. But John's right. Better be disciplined. And you know what? I don't want to go outside at midnight and let Rover pee. I get it. Makes a lot of sense. You ever had a puppy in the middle of winter?

Yes. It's no fun, John. The fence is huge. The fence is big. I like the fence. I say sell your dogs, man. That's a good decision. Sell the dogs. I can't believe you said that.

You horrified the poor lady. And me, by the way. Boy, did I like the fence. I say sell your dogs. That's a good decision. Sell the dogs. I can't believe you said that. You horrified the poor lady and me, by the way. Boy, did I bite on that. You had me like a fish on a hook. Wow. Hey, don't move. John Deloney and Kit Coleman here on the Ramsey Show. Coming right back. All right, welcome back to the Ramsey Show. Coming to you, America, from our Ramsey Solutions headquarters in Nashville.

Thrilled to have you with us. 888-825-5225 is the toll-free number to jump in. I'm Ken Coleman, joined by my colleague, John Deloney. And we're taking your questions about life, so dial it up. You've got the money questions. You've got the relationship questions. You've got the, hey, man, I want to make some more money. I want to move up the ladder a little bit.

We'll talk about it all. And specifically, John and I, if you've got a particular hairy situation at work that involves some relationships and the professional stuff, John and I, if you've got a particular hairy situation at work that involves some relationships and the professional stuff, John and I like to take on those together. So we'll take those. By the way, Kelly will change your name and your location. If you've got a particularly sensitive situation, I want to point this out. We want you to feel safe to be able to call us and talk through something and not worry maybe about your employer realizing you're talking about them or whatever.

So just want to put that out there. We'll take good care of you. Kelly is the best in the business. 888-825-5225 is the number. Let's go to Brianna or Brianna. I never know. We're about to find out, John. It's kind of like tomato, tomato.

I don't know. We'll find out. Austin, Texas is where she is. Brianna. Is it Brianna? Hey. Did I get it wrong? Hey, it's Brianna. Oh, fantastic.

All right. How can we help today? Hey, Ken. Hey, Dr. D. This one is actually going to be directed mainly to Dr. D today. I'm so happy you're on, and I just appreciate both for all of you, for everything you guys do. So, Dr. Deloney, two weeks ago, my mom tried to kill herself. Oh, man. I'm, two weeks ago, my mom tried to kill herself. Oh, man.

I'm so sorry. Thank you. This has been, like, so hard. I'm in Texas now. I used to live in California. So she is in California, and she had posted on Facebook a really disturbing, like, post, pretty much saying goodbye. And I happened to just see it. And so I freaked out.

She tried doing this when I was in my 20s. And so I freaked out. This is, she tried doing this when I was in my twenties. Um, so this isn't the first time and nobody knew where she was. Um, so it was a situation where she had done something, but nobody knew where she was. She turned off her phone. And so I'm at work trying to call her and reach out and she's on Facebook and she's able to message me and she's literally saying goodbye to me, like saying her goodbyes through messenger. So by the grace of God, one of my coworkers figured out a way using Facebook and we found her. We found her location and sent the police to her. They had gotten her just in time and she took a bottle of pills and drank a bottle of whiskey and was not in good condition when they found her.

So it's been really hard. I just my question is, like, I just I have so many different emotions because my whole life, Dr. D, I felt like the mom. I have felt like I've been the mother. She abused drugs, you know, a long time. So she has a lot going on. How do I, how do I talk to her without, like, I'm angry, I'm sad. Like, how do I have conversations without, I don't want to enable her because I don't, her behavior is just, it's just out of, it's too much. And I'm just worried she's going to do it again, but I love my mom. How do I deal with

this? I think there's, there's two things you're, you're working through dealing with. One is a lifetime of exhaustion and baggage and anger and heartbreak, all those things. And what I would tell you is those things are yours to deal with. Okay. Those things, it feels like it would be so good to sit across from your mom in a diner and let her have it. Yeah. And it wouldn't. Right?

That's between you and your counselor. Okay? If you haven't already, growing up in the home of an addict, growing up in the home of someone who tries to hurt themselves, growing up in somebody where you've had to parent your parent, that is trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma.

And what I'll tell you is, not by your hand, but in your lap, you didn't ask for it, you didn't, your house is flooding and it's because your neighbor's pipe broke. At the end of the day, you've got to deal with your house, right? So this will roll down through your lineage, this trauma, unless you stare it down, go sit with a counselor and say, this stops with me. My guess is you've got your own controlling, I bet you and I could talk for an hour on your remarkable non-addict addictions. Is that true?

Yes, 100%. I'm the total opposite of my mom. Independent, close to God. I'm just the total opposite, and I'm so blessed. I've gone through this. It's made me so strong, such a strong woman. Sometimes our opposites become addictions too, right? Right.

And so all I'll say is this. You go deal with that as in terms of your mom here's here's a couple of ways i described this and and you gotta understand like i've done funerals for young people i've hugged too many moms and too many dads i've been there i get it it's the it's it's unlike anything else um my son if he came in in the middle of the night tonight, and he walked into my room, and he said, Daddy, I don't feel good. And I sat up and said, What's wrong, buddy? And he just barfed all over me.

I could be frustrated that my kid barfed on my bed. I could be annoyed that it's 2 a.m., and I've got to change my sheets and all that kind of stuff. But I wouldn't be angry with him. I wouldn't be pissed off at him because he's hurting. And he went to the place, the only place he knew that would help him, the hurt stop, and that's somebody he loves. That's his dad, right?

That's his mom. And so being angry about somebody trying to hurt themselves is like being angry at somebody for being not well. It's frustrating. It's annoying. God, it's such. Okay. It's frustrating. It's annoying. God, it's such a beating. It's such a beating.

And you're dealing with somebody that's, that's sick. They're not well. Okay. So there's a, some remarkable research has come out the last few years. I always thought, and I do this for a living.

I always thought that if you tried to hurt yourself and somebody helped you out, you would just figure out a way to do it later, right? That it's inevitable. The research says that's absolutely false. Absolutely false. People who make some hard choices in their life, I want to get the care. I want to not feel like a burden to anybody. I don't want to hurt myself.

I want to have value. I don't want to be lonely. That you can heal from that. The challenge for people who love folks in this situation is it's a decision they've got to make myself. I want to have value. I don't want to be lonely that you can heal from that. The challenge for people who love folks in the situation is a decision they've got to make themselves. And so for your mom, less about, Hey, this and that you need to, it's, I love you. I love you. I have loved you. I do love you. Here's my boundaries to keep me well. What can I do to help? And then you've got to decide what your boundaries are. And then at the end of the day, your mom's going to make your mom's choices.

But we want to surround her with opportunities. We want to surround her with phone numbers. We want to surround her with people who care to the best of our ability, right? And at the end of the day, it's terrifying, but that's what you can do. You can love really hard and really well. Yeah, you know, John, I hear this, and there's only so much she can do. You've got to have those boundaries. But at some point you realize, I can't do it.

I can't change mom. Right. There's a big pressure. I mean, I'm assuming there's huge pressure on Brianna and other people that go through that. Absolutely. It's like, what can I do? And then you feel like, I'm going to go help mom. And at some point, mom, as hard as this is, mom's got to help herself.

Well, decide to. Yeah, mom's got to make some choices. Decide to take help. Yeah. And so she did a brave thing. And this is how I know that Brianna's a brave, strong, healing woman and somebody not to be reckoned with in a good way. She called 911 on her mom. I know too many people who wouldn't do that.

I don't want to call the cops. I don't want to get them involved. No, that's the right thing to do. So here's what I'm going to do. I would fly out and sit with my mom if I could, if I can afford that. I'd fly out and sit with my mom and let her know that I love her,

let her know that I would love to connect with her in any way possible, make sure she's got numbers to call, people in her life, make sure that her local church local community her husband whoever's around her is in on this um and then i would make sure i'm taking care of me yeah i i gotta tell you i thought that was incredible and i think more people need to hear what you just said because what happens when you when you've got a loved one or a friend so let's call it a family member a friend that you care deeply about and they are hurting themselves yeah and you're trying to do everything you can to stop it or help it or

whatever at some point it almost becomes obsession even though it's coming from a good place it gets really unhealthy and all the hurt and pain and frustration you're dealing with ends up making it worse if you knock yourself out you're you're of no good to anybody if you're not any good, right? If you're not well. And that's hard. You've got to deal with your stuff, yeah. It's hard to let go long enough to get healthy. And nobody wants our moms, our loved ones, our friends to hurt themselves.

So, again, hear what I'm saying. It's not inevitable. There is healing. People have to make hard choices, and you want to surround them with emergency care if you can. That's tough, tough, tough when you're an adult. Big thanks to my colleague, John Deloney. Always fun hanging with you, pal.

Me too, man. Really good stuff. I want to thank our producer, James Childs, our associate producer, Kelly Daniel. But mostly, we want to thank you, America, for listening. This is about you. You can do it. You have what it takes. This is The Ramsey Show. Hey, it's Kelly, associate producer and phone screener for The Ramsey Show.

If you would like to do your debt-free screen live on the show, make sure you visit theramseyshow.com and register. We would love for you to come to Nashville and tell Dave your story.