The Ramsey Show - App - I'm Having a Hard Time Spending My Late Husband's Insurance Money (Hour 2)

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

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Live from the headquarters of Ramsey solutions broadcasting from the dollar car rental studio this is the ramsey show where america hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money i'm christy wright i'm a business coach and author, and I'm joined today by Dr. John Deloney. A best-selling author you are. You left that up conveniently. Thank you, John. And this is a big, big, big day for you. This is a big day. My new book, Take Back Your Time, The Guilt-Free Guide to Life Balance, is available for pre-order, which means you get the e-book, the audio book. You get a ticket to my live event in September all for free when you get your copy early.

And John, I've been asked this morning a couple times on interviews earlier how long I've been working on this message. And it sounds dramatic, which I can be dramatic, but this is not a dramatic answer. It's truly been almost a decade in the sense that this was one of the first things I was ever booked to speak on back years ago, before I ever had kids, before I was even married. It's such a pain point in our culture, and even more so now than it was 10 years ago, with social media. You've got a phone in your pocket screaming your name 24 hours a day. The demands are unending. And so, you know, everywhere I go, entre leadership events, business boutique events, outside speaking events, I'm always asked the question, how do you balance it all?

How do you balance it all? And it's interesting because I saw an article and I was going to ask you about this, your thoughts on this. So when I'm asked about this topic, I'm always asked where balance is a verb. How do I balance it all? And we've got all the analogies right like spinning plates and juggling balls and some balls are rubber and some balls are glass and which balls can you let break and walking a tightrope and all of those things feel very i just threw up in my mouth like six times just when you just said that that was graphic it feels like that is exhausting full

of anxiety and doesn't guarantee you're gonna have balance balance. I can do all of that. I can juggle all the balls, spin all the plates, and I still may not feel balance. And so it led me to a different question. What if balance isn't so much something you do, how you balance it all perfectly, but instead something you create where it looks more like peace. It looks more like I feel confident in my choices, where I'm actually happy with how I spend my time. And it's interesting because this term, work-life balance,

is one of those things that people have a visceral response to. It's very emotionally charged. It's very triggering. Some people roll their eyes. Some people scoff at the word. Oh, it doesn't exist. And I saw this article recently. It says Jeff Bezos says work-life balance

is a debilitating phrase. It's interesting. I mean, his take on it is interesting in the article, but there's a sentence in here that I wanted to ask you about because it quotes him and it says, it's actually a circle, Bezos said. It's not a balance. He says he doesn't compartmentalize his career and his personal life. Now, here's one of the things I've seen in researching this topic for a decade

and living it and teaching it and so on. We have a lot of alternative phrases. It's not work-life balance. It's work-life harmony. It's not work-life balance. It's work-life integration. It's not work-life balance. It's a circle.

Here's the thing. I just threw it up in my mouth again. I get it. I get people trying to provide an alternative to the word, but here's what I would say. That still doesn't provide a solution. Telling me that it's a circle does not help me feel better about how I spend my time.

And so, John, what I unpack in the book is life balance isn't doing everything for an equal amount of time. It's about doing the right things at the right time. And when you do the right things at the right time, you feel that sense of balance you've been looking for, whether the right things are being all in at work for that season or that week or that day, all in with your kids, on vacation, taking care of your health, taking care of a parent. None of us can do everything all the time. And when we put that pressure on ourselves, of course we feel guilty. But if we can identify what the right things are and do the right things

at the right time, giving yourself permission to change as those change by season, by week, by day, then you can feel that sense of balance. And what I mean by that is peace. You can feel confident like, Hey, I feel good about how I'm spending my time, but I'm not doing everything. But it gives me permission to say all those, no to all those things that are not right right now like we were talking about earlier. What are your thoughts on this phrase, it's not about balance, it's a circle? Yeah.

My immediate response is I'm trying not to swear and I'm trying not to get frustrated. That's always a good start. Going back to what you said, everything starts with intentionality. And somewhere along the way,

and it's been brewing for years and years, we were told by our family systems and by our culture and by our teachers when we were, my son was being asked about what college he was going to go to in first grade, right? It's just, it's part of the intellectual economy, which is there will never be enough, and you can do all of it at the same time, and that's what success looks like. And then you hand everybody a computer in your pocket that curates all this

and makes it look perfect. And I think it goes back to that one magic word, which is intentionality. And what you said is some seasons, my wife and I sit it goes back to that one magic word, which is intentionality. And what you said is some seasons, my wife and I sit down and say, it's going to be a, we did that last night. This week is a bonkers week for us, for me at work.

And we have guests coming. Here's what this week's going to look like for us. Next week, I'm on vacation. So we're going to have six days. My kids were involved in that. And so I'm not going to feel this sense of guilt because I'm not home, right? But it comes back to intentionality.

Everybody would be on the same page. When I see something like this, it usually comes from CEOs. And my first thought is one of, well, that's really easy to think about your life in a circle when you are not worried about whether you're going to have enough food, right? When you're not working three jobs trying to put stuff on the table. when you're not, when you're not, when you're not. It's so fun to think of life in shapes. You're not hungry, right? That's a triangle.

I don't know Jeff. He's probably a great guy. I do think that it's easier to think about your life as a big dance when you're working towards a mission that you love and you're connected to everything and it all feels good and then your friends or folks that you work with that's all fine and good i just work and you work with millions of people who are just slinging boxes

all day and then they uber at night and then in the mornings they're you know trying to get their thing off the ground and life isn't a circle, man. It's a grind. Yeah. Well, and you make a good point because everybody's, not only their seasons are different, their families are different, their work's different, the demands they have on them are different. But I think what's frustrated me in this journey with this topic specifically, which I love a good challenge, which is why I took this on,

but it's one of those things where it just frustrates me when it still doesn't solve the problem. You can give me all the analogies of juggling balls, spinning walking a tightrope you can give me all the shapes in the world integration harmony circles triangles i don't care if it doesn't solve the problem i have in my life then it doesn't help me so what is the problem is the problem that it's it's an it's a dishonest standard i think that what no i think that when we say we don't have balance, we might be saying I work too much. We might be. There's a percentage of people that are saying that.

But I think what a lot of people are saying is something doesn't feel right. I'm not fulfilled. I don't have joy in my life. And I feel guilty. That's why I made the tagline the guilt-free guide to life balance because I think guilt is a big piece of this. But I truly believe, and I have experienced this and I've coached people through this. When you do the right things at the right time, you feel that sense of balance and you shake the guilt and it does actually solve that problem that you thought you had of always

feeling like you're coming from behind, never having balance, but it's not in the way that we think. It's a different approach. Somebody wrote a bull crap free book about taking back time and getting balance. Good for you. Thank you. RamseySolutions.com. You can get your copy and preorder today.

This is The Ramsey Show. I saw some recent financial statistics and there was some pretty troubling news. When families were asked how long it would be before they faced financial hardship if a spouse died, nearly one-third said they'd be in trouble immediately. Another 44% said they'd be financially drained within six months. People, it does not have to be this way. Term life insurance plans are just plain cheap, and companies have made it even easier by not requiring exams in many cases. There really is no excuse to leave your family in this situation by not having life insurance. This is why I talk about Zander Insurance every day. They're committed to protecting families with the only products that I recommend, and their team keeps the entire process simple and affordable. Go to Zander.com for quick online pricing or call 800-356-4282.

This has to be a priority. If your family is in this situation, you need to get this done. How many of y'all are stressed out or hurting because your retirement savings took a major hit last year? Maybe you were super close to retiring and now you're wondering if you should work a few more years to make up the difference. Maybe you weren't investing in the right things or you were investing aggressively and you lost more than you could stomach. Maybe you pulled everything out and now you're wondering where you should go from here. Listen, if you're in one of these situations, I want you to know you don't have to face this pain alone. Now more than ever is the time to seek out the advice of an investment professional.

A conscientious investment pro, like one of our smart investor pros, is not going to tell you to invest in something dumb like gold. They're going to spend a ton of time looking at your current situation and helping you create a plan to get back on track. You don't have to let 2020 kill your confidence in your retirement.

Go to DaveRamsey.com slash SmartVestor and find an investment pro in your area. Never again face a global crisis alone. That's DaveRamsey.com slash SmartVestor. And now we have got Kelly in Charlotte, North Carolina. Hey, Kelly, how's it going? I'm good. How are y'all? Good. How can John and I help today?

I lost my husband about six months ago after a four-year long hard battle with cancer. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Well, the life insurance money was enough to get out of debt and pay the house off and stuff i'm just having trouble getting excited about it just given everything going on yeah um and you know now the income as well he was a breadwinner for the most part so now our income has been slashed two-thirds. So even the, you know, live and give like no one else is not what we envisioned it to be.

And I was the Dave Ramsey one for quite a while in our marriage up until about the last two years of his life. And then he kind of got on board and we got to pay off his truck. He got really excited about it. And then, you know, the cancer came back full force. So I'm just wondering how to go about reshuffling my mind to kind of grab hold of this and to get excited when it's been such a long, hard goal of mine for a long time. Yeah. First and foremost, I'm so sorry. Sounds like this guy was, he's incredible, huh?

He was. Truly. He paid off his truck in the middle of fighting for his life, and he cheered it on, right? Yep. What a stud. He sure did. And y'all got little ones too?

We have a 19 and 22-year-old, so not so little. I'm the rent of the family now. They're still little. They're still little. So I'm just going to talk blunt with you. Is that okay? Yes, sir. Okay.

You're not going to get excited about this. Okay. There's no, your debt-free scream will be very, very different. The cheer will be very, very different because you're going to be doing it alone. And this was something y'all set out to do together. This was a co-adventure for y'all's family tree. And man, he got you all the way down the finish line,

handed that baton off and you cross the finish line by yourself. Right. And so it's not going to be that cheer. It's not gonna be that excitement. Now you can come down to Nashville and do your debt-free scream. We will cheer and scream with you, and it will be a moment of joy and jubilation, but it's going to look different, and it's going to feel different, okay? So I don't want you to spend another second of energy trying to muster up some kind of fake confetti in your heart that's not there.

This was supposed to be the two of you, and it's just you. And it's heartbreaking, and it's sad, and that's what grief is, right? Okay. There is the reality that you've got this money, and you've got these bills, right? Is this house a house that you want to stay in?

For the time being, I have a son in college, so I want to stay there at least until he graduates in three years. Okay. Is there a big rush to pay it all off, or is that something you just want to do for your own security? The rush is just in the fact that I'm now, my income has taken such a hit. So the monthly mortgage payment is not in the budget, you know, the 25% and all that. Sure. So at some point you might, you know, you're six months in.

For all intents and purposes, this is still just as brand new and as real as it was four months ago and five months ago, right? So there's a level of healing, and healing doesn't mean you're not going to hurt. And healing doesn't mean that you're not going to miss this guy every single day, especially a guy as awesome as this. Healing means you're going to be able to talk about it and your eyes won't well up on you. Healing means you're going to smile when you think about the good stuff. And that's still months and months and months ahead. If paying off the house and getting out of debt and clearing that up with that money and you're able to take care of college stuff, if you're able to do those things,

it's going to buy you a year or two of financial peace so that you can then begin to think, what do I want to do with my career? What do I want to do for the back half of my life? How old are you? I'm 54. 54, yeah. You're just halfway done yourself, right? So you've got all kinds of adventures ahead of you.

It will give you some space and some time to think through it. If you're going to sell this house in six months, then I would tell you don't pay it off. Hang on to it, right? Get out of your consumer debt and hang on to the mortgage and take a withdrawal and pay it off that way. But if you're going to stay there for three years, four years, five years, then yeah, pay it off and get some people that you love and you care around you.

And y'all celebrate this with a prayer. Y'all celebrate this with some hugs and some tears, but it will look very, very different. And then when you're ready, we're going to have a spot for you here in Nashville. So you can come to your debt-free scream on our stage. Yeah. And Kelly, the only thing that I would, I would add, cause I just, I love how John highlighted that it's not going to be exciting. I would just, I would just encourage you and just affirm, take the pressure off that it

should be. It doesn't have to be, It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be exciting. This money represents something you never wanted to happen, and you can still move forward and use it how you and he wanted to use it, but take the pressure off that you should feel a certain way, act a certain way, experience this a certain way. I love how John highlighted that, that that is perfectly okay for you to give yourself what you need in this season to grieve and to move forward one step at a time.

And we'll be thinking about you, Kelly. Thank you for calling in. John, have you seen people experience when they're going through a season. I know you've worked with a lot of people in different types of trauma and heartbreak where they feel a pressure to experience it a certain way or to act a certain way or respond a certain way and kind of wrestling through that. Everybody thinks that they know how they would react when there's a car wreck or there's a thing or what would happen in the reality is you don't know. And that's why it's so important to have people around you because you think you've got, I'm going to do it. Like you don't have any idea. You know what I mean? So, um, that's why it's important that people will bring you food. And that's why it's important that we'll have people that will spend the night with you, sleep on your couch and make sure your pets are eating and your kids are eating stuff. So, um, but over six months, seven months,

10 months, everybody does this differently. Cancer is different than car wrecks and car wrecks are different than, you know, sudden, you know, mildew. Everything's different. You begin to think, what's my new picture going to look like, right? What's tomorrow going to look like?

I get to craft this and create it and I didn't plan on it, but this is the way this is. And friends and community members and a good church member or a counselor can walk you through what's it like to dream again because i've only dreamed with this other person right what's this new thing going to look like and don't want to move and be my grandkids or i want to start a new job all those things look different and they feel different what we don't often think christy is that those are things we practice right and they are the things you practice and stumble around into. And that's what, again,

that's what people are so important for. Yeah. And I love how, you know, I've hosted with Dave Ramsey before, and he always talks about not making any major financial decision if you can help it. Six months to a year. Yeah, six months to a year after the event, because you can't think clearly, you know, even if it costs you a little bit more in interest or something, just give to a year. Yeah, six months to a year after the event because you can't think clearly. Even if it costs you a little bit more in interest or something, just give yourself the space to grieve,

to be present, to give yourself what you need and to be able to think clearly again once the fog clears a little bit. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy and it doesn't mean you're ever going to necessarily be excited about it either.

Let me say this. Blessings to this family for having a will and having life insurance. I've sat with people, Christy, who look at me and say, we got nothing.

I don't know what to do now. They're going to have to grieve at work on Monday because they don't have any money. Good for him. If you don't have a will, get a will. Get a will

and take care of your family after you're gone. It is a selfless thing you can do. It's not fun to talk about, but you'll be so glad. Everyone will be so glad you did. Thanks for the call,

Kelly. This is the Ramsey show. I'm Christy Wright and hosting with me today is Dr. John Deloney. We're taking your calls about your life, your money. Maybe you're dealing with this financial situation you need some advice on. We're here for you. Maybe you're just dealing with a decision you've got to make somewhere. You're not sure if you should say yes, you should say no, what you should do. Maybe there's relationship dynamics.

John is so good at that. We were just talking even off air. I was asking him about some different things about just conflict and how you navigate that. And gosh, it's so good to have an outside perspective. Give us a call, 888-825-5225. And we're going to go to Grand Rapids, Michigan with Toby. Hey, Toby, how are you? Hi, guys.

I'm very blessed. How are you doing? Great. What's going on? Good. Yeah. So I'm a small business owner. I've owned my business only a year.

I'm only 25. I've got a couple babies. Married, of course. And my business just hasn't been doing as great as I've been hoping. I do appliance repair. And my question is, originally it was, if there is a seven-step baby step program for small business owners like myself, or if you guys have any help that you can give me to help me maybe advertise better for my business, to beat out competitors.

I don't know. Just anything like that. Yeah, that's a great question. You know, Toby, we've actually had that exact conversation among our leadership team here between the Entree Leadership Team and my team with Business Boutique, which are a little bit different. Entree Leadership is more focused on team development and small business.

And then Business Boutique is primarily women with startups and inside businesses, small businesses. But what's interesting is the business journey, while there are some principles they're built on, you need a business plan, you need a model to make money, you need some basics. It's not linear like money. It's not as linear as baby step one, baby step two. So I want to

just ask you a few more questions about your business. How long have you been in business? How much money are you making? What are the main problems you're seeing that are keeping you from being as successful as you want to be? I think you said it's not growing or not doing as well as you want it to be. Give me some numbers and specifics around what you're saying. Yeah. So last year alone. I had two appliance guys out to my house this week. So we need you, man.

What's the deal? Yeah. The business has potential. Yeah, no, I really appreciate it. Yeah. So as far as how much I made, I believe my business did 36 last year. That was actually at the beginning of Corona in February. Um, uh, take home.

I think my wife and I took home, I think 19 or 24 of that. Um, it's just me working for the company. The issues that I'm running into is in my area. I just have, um, some big name companies that I'm having to go against. And it's just me working for myself. Just kind of, I got good at what I was doing. I loved what I did. I love people and I love fixing things. And this has the best of both worlds. So I just pursued it and there's a lot more to it than I thought. So kind of just learning as I go. I hope that answers your

question. That's great. I'm going to tell you a few things that jump out already and you've just given me a couple sentences. First question, are you charging enough? And I want you to shoot me straight, Toby. Are you charging enough? I would say I am on the cheaper end of businesses around me, but I do that to try and get more business. Yeah. Yeah. That, that man, it's so, that's such a temptation. I know. I'm the same way, man. It actually, it actually kills me because here's the thing. You think in your mind, I've got to compete about against these big name companies.

What have I got to use? Well, I'll just be cheaper. The problem is a long list of problems. Number one, you're getting cheap clients because you're pricing cheap. It's like fishing. That's the bait you're putting out. So that's what you're catching. Number one, you're getting cheap clients because you're pricing cheap. It's like fishing. That's the bait you're putting out. So that's what you're catching. Number two, you're not making any money.

And number three, that's not a unique value proposition. There's something else that makes you unique that is going to draw people to you that is going to be so much stronger and more compelling and enable you to charge more and make more money. So when you say you're competing about the big names, here's what's great about this. Because you're a solopreneur, because you're a one-man show, you have all the opportunities in the world to decide what your brand is going to be about and then build a brand around it.

Let me just give you some real basics out of the gate, Toby, that you can do. You can be the go-to guy that is always on time, always does an outstanding job, never leaves the kitchen floor dirty. And by the way, you could even be someone that someone can get tomorrow immediately. Because let me tell you, if my dishwasher is leaking, I don't want someone that's going to come in three weeks.

I want them to come today or tomorrow. So if you start to understand what are the pain points of your audience that you can solve, that the big names are not solving, they come in, they leave mud tracks, they're booked three weeks out, they're late, they don't go. And then you begin to be the go to guy, people will pay more and they will tell everyone they know. Which brings me to my second piece of advice, Toby. And that is you have got to activate referrals in your business. Every single and that is you have got to activate referrals in your business. Every single person that you do work for, leave them a stack

of business cards and say, next time you need me, you get 25% off for every person you send to me. This is a referral based business. That's your sweet spot. Because who I want teaching my kids to swim, highlighting my hair, or fixing my appliances is someone that my friends have used and trust. Service-based businesses. Yes. It's a referral based business.

So just out of the gate, that's an initial thing that you can do, which is to decide what are the things that are going to differentiate you from the big guys. And it's not price. Activate your referrals and charge more. And I promise you when you charge more, you will actually get better clients. You will get better clients that are willing to pay more that don't nickel and dime you that don't pick you apart. You get better people. I had a photographer in business boutique, Toby,

that she was undercharging by too much. She actually tripled her prices and she was so nervous that she was going to lose all her business. And she lost a few of her customers, but she doubled her prices and ended up tripling her amount of revenue because she got more customers at the higher price point. Yes, you'll lose some of your

cheapos and that's a good thing. You'll get better customers and probably more customers. Toby, let me tell you what I just experienced in my house. I'm going to tell you the good stuff and the negative. You ready? Here's the good stuff. They texted me and my wife a picture of who was coming. They said, here's when we're going to be there.

And they were on time. And then this was really cool because I'm a guy. I'm skeptical by nature. Somebody goes and tinkers around. And then they go, hey, it's $342 because you need a catalytic converter, whatever, Windows 9.6. They actually took the part out, took a photo of it, and then they left the part with me. They said, hey, this is what we changed. This is how I changed it.

And I wasn't there, but he explained it to my wife. I tell you I'm so appreciative. I trust the guy now. I trust him. Here's what was a hard thing. I said, hey, while you're here, can you give me a quote on a hot water heater? And can you check this one thing out? Ah, well, our hot water heater division is a part of our plumbing part, which they'll be here next.

Boo. Big company. Big company. Here's what your answer to that is. Yep. I'll figure it out because you're a solopreneur and your answer to those things is yes. And then the last thing is as they left my wife was going to work on something like some fencing issues some silly thing and she said

man i wish we could just call one person that could do all this stuff and i know there's handyman everywhere and you're an appliance guy but right now you need to make more money let's just cut you got to make more money whether that's picking up lawns whether that's doing painting whether that's doing fence repair stuff that may be a little bit out of your scope of service but that's picking up lawns, whether that's doing painting, whether that's doing fence repair, stuff that may be a little bit out of your scope of service, but that's going to make you some money right now. And you're going to be top of mind so that anybody needs anything, they call Toby. That's right. And then someday you're going to have so much business and maybe making so much money that you'll be able to say, hey, I've got a lawn division. They'll be here at 9 a.m., right?

Or I love what Christy said. You're the 24-7, 365 guy. I'll be here at 9 a.m., right? Or I love what Christy said. You're the 24-7, 365 guy. I'll be there late. And you're going to do that for three years and just suck it up, and you're going to be tired, but you're going to build your business as the on-call guy. Whatever that looks like for you, you know what I mean? And you may even reach out to some of these big guys and say, hey, I'll be your on-call guy in the middle of the night.

I don't know if that works or not, but just spreading the thing, spreading yourself out all over the place and showing up there. Yeah. Toby, if you do even one of these things that we recommended, you're making more money. Yep. If you do all three or four that we recommended, you're making a lot more money. But stay on the line. I'll have Kelly send you a copy of Business Boutique.

Yes, it says it's for women, but listen, the business principles apply. You can read it in secret and not see that you're reading a book. I read it in a coffee shop. You'll be fine. These business principles are literally for building a solopreneur business. And that is what you're doing. And that will give you even more tips to activate your referral-based business, to understand what your unique selling proposition is, what sets you apart,

how to build your brand, what are you the go-to guy for. Figure it out, leverage the heck out of it, and then you'll watch that business grow. Great, great question. I hope that helps. Get them, Toby. This is The Ramsey Show. Today is an exciting day i'm sitting here right next to her christy wright national best-selling author and ramsey personality has been heads down on a project she's been passionate about for a long long time 10 years or so in the, because it deals with an issue that's affected her personally, how to feel balanced in your life. Just the way you phrased that, Christy, not how to be balanced, but how to feel balanced

makes this book unique in the space. We were talking about earlier, it's just so full of nonsense. People are like, life balance, life balance. It's just ride the pony or whatever. It's like a diamond in your heart. Shut up. You wrote the right book. Today we're launching the pre-sale of her new book,

Take Back Your Time, The Guilt-Free Guide to Life Balance. This book was born out of Christy's real-life struggles. For years, she was running on empty and was stretched way too thin. As a mom of three, she realized something had to change. She took a long, hard look at her life

and her calendar and figured out why she felt overwhelmed and overcommitted all the time. She discovered that balance is about doing the right things at the right time. And drum roll, please. You get to decide what's right for you. This is not some lame productivity book or a book on just say no. That was the 80s. You'll learn the step by step plan on how to be intentional with your time and how to finally prioritize the things that you really want to do so they stop getting pushed to the back burner.

Time is like your money. If you're not intentional with it, it's going to leave. Stop living burned out and actually feel balanced, which is another word for peace. Go to the online store at RamseySolutions.com and pre-order your copy of Christy's new book,

Take Back Your Time, today. When you do, you'll get over 50 bucks of free bonus items. Congratulations, Christy. This is a big day. Big day. I'm so excited for you. Thank you for that. I'm so ready.

I also like your version of the marketing copy that involves a diamond in your heart and rainbows. Just whatever. I was like, he's going all script that involves a diamond in your heart and rainbows. Just whatever. I was like, he's going all script, and I like it. It's great. I just can't tell you how many times. How do you get work-life balance? Well, what you got to do is nine somersaults in a field of clover.

What are you talking about? It's not helping me. I mean, I'll tell you what. We talked about this on True Leadership Summit, but it's one of those things where it's like, I don't know what balance is, but I just know I don't have it. That's how most people feel. They don't know what it is, but they know they don't have it, and I want to help them know what it is and know how to have it.

You're so great. I'm so glad you wrote it, and I'm going to be one of those people that reads their friends' books, but here we go. Thank you. You should. I hope you do. All right. Going to San Francisco, we've got Judy.

Hey, Judy. How's it going? Hey. Going okay. What's up, Judy, how's it going? Hey, it's going okay. What's up, Judy? How can we help? How can we help? Take a breath, hon. You can take your time.

Thank you. My sister just got married um june 11th and then just shy of her what was the anniversary my brother-in-law um just suddenly died in the house oh no i'm so sorry I'm thinking it's either a massive heart attack or a brain aneurysm at birth. This is the first time in our family that we've ever had this sudden, unexpected loss. I just want to know how we can help her get through this. I'm so sorry, Judy. And she is lucky, lucky, lucky to have you tell me about this guy um he was um he was my only 35 was he a fun guy a silly guy a grumpy guy tell me about him

he's a fun guy um he had a he had some struggles growing up but he had turned his life around and for my sister he was like so like out of the guys that she was with before he was the only one who kind of like was her equal and to match her um it was just so fun and easy going and totally non-judgmental yeah like it's so easy to have a conversation with him a guy that you want your sister be married to huh yeah for sure judy um our hearts broken with yours and your families and we'll be thinking about you guys and praying for you guys. Right now, you're going to be in a season of disbelief and of trying to get the next right thing done, which is often eating, which is often going outside and going for a walk,

which is often sleeping and making sure the light bill is paid. We're all able to have a funeral and everybody get to go? Yeah, it's going to be this Thursday. I'm going to be flying out to the East Coast. Good, good, good. So if at all possible, make sure you don't miss that funeral. Make sure you're a part of that. And a funeral is a great way to tell somebody that you love them,

that you love them, that you remember them, and especially it's a way that you can show your sister that you love her. Often, and again, everybody does grief differently, and so not judging your sister, not telling her she should be doing this by now or that by now. It's about a week now, so you should not have any of that kind of language, but just let her know that you love her, if you can spend some time there with her, if you can make sure that she's got meals

that are going to show up at her house, if you've got people that are going to show up there with her. Whenever the time comes that you've got to start packing boxes and go through wills and go through life insurance stuff, that she's got somebody there with her that can walk along that side. And I do this for a living. And if my wife suddenly passed away, I'd have somebody with me because I know enough to

know that I wouldn't be clear doing that. The other thing is if she's got a job and she doesn't have an emergency needs financially, there is no rush. There is no rush. There is no rush. The guy who was important in my life said six months to a year. Take your time, man. And then for you as sister, texting every day, checking in with her, telling her that you love her, calling your mom and make sure they're doing good. If y'all got other brothers and sisters,

but just making sure everybody's talking and communicating together. Okay? Okay. And then there's, when the time comes, there is nothing worse than handing somebody some cliche pillow with a clever slogan on it or handing somebody some book when they're struggling, right? But over time, two months, five months, seven months, the book Finding Meaning by David Kessler, I think it's the masterpiece on grief,

on how to think through what's happening in your heart and head when you've lost somebody close to you. And that might be something that you say, hey, let's read this together because you're struggling. You're all struggling. Everybody's struggling. The main thing here is there's no right way to do grief. Everybody does it different. And there is no rush to do anything or feel a certain way.

This is just going to hurt. Y'all are right in the middle of it, and there is no rush to do anything or feel a certain way. This is just going to hurt. Y'all are right in the middle of it, and I'm so, so sorry. Thank you. I am glad. She's lucky to have you as a sister who's going to go out there and see her. Okay? So I want you to keep us.

Let us know how the funeral goes. Let us know if there's anything else we can do to help. And if your sister needs help figuring out finances or what comes next or how she's going to make sense of the next six months, next year, next two years, tell her to give us a call back. But we're grateful for your heart, Judy, and we'll be thinking and praying about you. So sorry that happened. John, I like how you pointed out that everyone does grief differently because I think that it gives people permission and freedom to have grace for themselves if it looks different than how someone else does it or what they thought it was going to look like. And I think that that has got to be just so – almost just a source of comfort in that season that knowing there's no performance, there's no formula, there's no playbook of like this is how it should go because it's different for everyone. And every situation is different. The last thing we need to do is beat ourselves up because- More pressure on yourself. Yeah.

Or sometimes when folks don't know what to do, they want to help. They don't know how. So they project onto people who are hurting. Yeah. Hey, you need to be doing this, this, and this, and this because that's them trying to take control back, which I get and I honor it.

But man, the last thing people often need is another set of expectations they do need to get up and they do need to eat and they need to go exercise they do need to take showers and things like that so there are some needs there but this whole you need to move on or somebody go find somebody else or you need to get rid of all the clothes man that everybody does that differently yeah and just yeah just not underestimating for anyone listening right now that has someone going through a hard time, and I'd be willing to bet a lot of you do. Everybody does. Because a lot of people are going through hard times.

Don't underestimate the value in just being there. Show up and keep your mouth shut. Sending a text saying, how are you? I'm thinking about you. How are you? I'm bringing you dinner tonight. How are you? I'm coming over in a few minutes to hang out.

Just sit. To just hang out. Just sit. To just be there. Just sit. So, so important. I want to thank producer James Childs and associate producer Kelly Daniel. My co-host, John Deloney, who is so graceful at handling hard situations just like that. This is The Ramsey Show. If you would like to do your debt-free scream live on the show,

make sure you visit theramseyshow.com and register. We would love for you to come to Nashville and tell Dave your story.