The Ramsey Show - App - It's Not a "Gift" if You Hold It Over Someone's Head! (Hour 3)

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

Debt, Relationships, Career, Business Sign Up for a FREE trial of Ramsey+ TODAY: https://bit.ly/3rZTUAx Tools to get you started:  Debt Calculator: https://bit.ly/2Q64HME Insurance Coverage Checkup: https://bit.ly/3sXwUn5 Complete Guide to Budgeting: https://bit.ly/3utmVXi Check out more Ramsey Network podcasts: https://bit.ly/3fHhbVE

Thank you. Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is The Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life, and your money, and your your relationships and everything else. I'm Dr. John Deloney, joined here with my good friend, best-selling author, and all-around just good human being, Christy Wright. We are taking your calls on pretty much anything, right?

Anything. 888-825-5225, anything. You said that so boldly. I mean, we're here for you. Whatever you want to talk about, we want to talk to you. Hey, listen, before we get going, we got a board full of calls over here. Kelly's been working hard. We're one week out.

Yeah. Tell us about it. New book, Take Back Your Time, The Guilt-Free Guide to Life Balance. It launches one week from Tuesday, so that's September 14th. And so that means that you have one week to go ahead and get your pre-order for you, for a friend, Christmas gift, whatever. But y'all get it in pre-order because here's why. When you do, you get all these free bonus things. So get it and then give your friend the ebook or the audiobook or whatever. It doesn't matter. It helps us hit the list, which just opens up doors for opportunity for media and for marketing and

to just help more people, which is what we want to do. So we want to say thank you. We'll give you the e-book, audio book free. By the way, you know what? Something I have not talked about at all, so I'll mention it real quickly. Talk about it. When I wrote this book, I intentionally designed a free workbook that goes with it. So when you get this book, you get a free workbook that chapter by chapter has templates

for you to do what I'm telling you to do. with it. So when you get this book, you get a free workbook that chapter by chapter has templates for you to do what I'm telling you to do. So for example, in the chapter on creating your ideal schedule, when I walk you through how to do that, the workbook has a template for how to do that. Or when I talk about setting priorities, the workbook has a template. So that's a pretty cool feature that I thought, you know, I don't want people to just read it because there's a lot of tactical steps and takeaways. I created a workbook and the, you get it when you get the book. It's a free digital workbook. And so it just allows you to follow it step by step. One of my reviews that came in today, I was so thankful, said the workbook is the tool you need to do this.

It is so valuable, blah, blah, blah. So it was just really nice. And yeah, so I want to help you put this into action. I don't want you to just read it. I want you to actually change your life with it. That's why we do what we do. So one do. So can I ask you a question? One week, yeah. Your hesitation is making me nervous slash excited for this question. I don't know which I should be. When you just said create your ideal schedule. Yeah. That sounded amazing. You want to know why?

But I have a spouse and two little crazy kids. They're not crazy, but they're kind of crazy. And I've got an incredibly demanding boss. Same. We share. I've got incredibly demanding coworkers. Kelly, that's a whole other story, right? How do I create my ideal schedule?

It sounds kind of... It's ideal within your current reality. It's not ideal in an alternate reality where you have no kids and you're living on the beach. That does sound fantastic. But here's the thing. And the reason I walk you through this exercise, and this is a powerful and very common practice in coaching business and life coaching. But the reason we do is because when you look at your current schedule, you can't think clearly. You're just so in the weeds of all your commitments and all the things you're so used to doing. And so you try to move the puzzle pieces around and you just get overwhelmed and you end up

with maybe a slightly different mess, but you don't question the mess to begin with. And so what I want you to do is I want you to start with a blank slate and go, okay, let me plot the things I know I have to do. Okay. I've got work. I've got to take the kids to school. These are things I have to do in my real reality. But then from there, you'll be amazed at how much time you still have to fill with things that are in line with what's most important to you right now versus, oh, I've been, but I've been doing that for four years. Was it still right for you? Because it helps you think about it more clearly and differently when you start to move things over. Okay, I'm going to put things I have to do. Then I'm going to move over things I want to do

that are important and a priority right now. And then I'm going to add some new things that maybe I never had time for before. You and I were talking even during the break how, man, some seasons that are hard can make marriage hard. I personally experienced that it is so hard to stay connected to Matt

and have fun with Matt when you just have three kids screaming in your ears. And a book coming out and speaking engagements and read. Yeah. And so, Matt, I just told Matt. Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Yes.

I know you hate that word. It's like a cuss word to you. It is. But it's like, okay, well, and then let me add. Let me add something to the schedule. I'm going to add Thursday night, date night. We're going to get a babysitter and at least twice a month, if not more, we're going to go on a date night. Well, if I don't think about that and

think about what's important to me and put it on paper on purpose that i could go four months and matt and i don't go on a date we don't mean to but we're just so stinking busy with this mess we live in and we don't question the mess and so it's just a it's just a an exercise to help you look at different it's not that you're not you're gonna go move to the beach and neglect your responsibilities but um it does help you think about it with fresh eyes so that's an example of something that's in the book everything's very tactical because i want to take this elusive idea of balance and break it down into steps say hey if you do this you'll be creating your version of balance but there are templates to help you do that because i think that makes it really actionable

i love love it's valid thanks for writing a question man. Well, when you said in your reality, then that ends up being something I'm talking about all the time, right? Which is, yeah, you've got to let that fantasy go. That's not the world you live in, right? Yeah. And that could be a number of, I want a husband who, or I want a wife who, it doesn't exist. And the other piece of this is, if we're not careful,

and this is the reason i like this exercise if we're not careful we feel as if we are victims to our schedule and anything on your calendar something you put there or you allowed to be there my friend rory vaden said that and i love that it puts us back in the driver's seat you're already in control of your schedule you just need to realize it live like it so yes there are some real restraints job taking kids to school etc outside of that which again you choose those things as well you know there are some real restraints, job, taking kids to school, et cetera. Outside of that, which again, you choose those things as well. You know, there are buses, there are alternate, you know, carpools, whatever. Christy.

It just, once you start to realize, oh, I'm not a victim, I'm in control here. Then you begin to design your week, your day, your life and connect with your spouse on it. One of the things I have, I have journal questions at the end of the book and challenges. Every chapter, connect with your spouse. Connect with your spouse. What's important to them in this season? What do they want this season to look like? What's their version of balance look like?

What boundaries do they, you know? And so this is not something you do on your own in a vacuum, but man, it brings, similar to a budget, it brings you guys together as a team. And then you realize, wow, I'm not a victim. I can actually incorporate things that are most important to me right now. And just with more intention, take control of my schedule. Take back your time. That's why I love the title because it's so active.

It's like, take it. It's yours. I love the idea of, man, suddenly you look up and it's been four years and I just always watch TV on these two nights. And this is the way bedtime routine has to look with these kids. This is what I do when I get home from work. And suddenly that's 30 minutes here and 45 minutes here

and then two hours here. But I don't have time to work out. I don't have time to write my wife a nice note. I don't have time to do the laundry. I can only do it on Saturdays. I don't have time to start that business. I don't have time. I don't have time.

I'm going to do it when there's time left over. And then, dang it, it's been seven years. There's never time left over. Right. Right. You don't find time.

You make time. You make it. So if it's important, you put it on the calendar. And everything's not important all the time. I mean, one of the things that I think is so key to this,

and this is important for everyone listening right now, especially those of you guys that are in Baby Step 2, I just want to speak to you right now. Everything is not important all the time. This is a season, so you need to decide what makes the cut in this season, in your money

and in your time. It's just a season. There are things that don't make the cut right now because I'm launching a book. My house is not that clean. I'm not working out. I'm not seeing friends. I did that this summer, but in this season, that doesn't make the cut. That's okay.

You get to decide what matters to you in the season you're in, and that's going to help set you free. There's something about just clearing the deck and saying, let's start with a fresh piece of paper and say what's really important. What does this have to look like? And not what it has, but what does it have to look like? And then we can get to it. I love that.

You don't find time to break time. Love it, love it, love it. All right, 888-825-5225. We're taking calls on anything and everything. Give us a shout right here on The Ramsey Show. You've got a lot on your plate. A job, your home, your marriage, and your growing family. While you're enjoying the present, you can't help but think about your future and your finances.

As you explore your options, consider Christian Healthcare Ministries, or CHM, for your health care. Their generous maternity program and budget-friendly monthly programs have been a blessing to members welcoming children into their families. Visit chministries.org slash budget to see if it's right for you. Christian Healthcare Ministries is a Ramsey Trusted Provider. Let's go out to Taylor in Spokane, Washington. Hey, yeah, Taylor. Hey, Taylor, what's going on? Oh, not much. how are you guys doing good hey there's a tyler on on the board too here so i looked at taylor and i started to say tyler then i got all confused i'm sorry man i'm new at this so what's going on brother how can i help that's okay well

i think you guys might have already answered my question a little earlier oh but um that's okay i'm calling uh about my wife she's trying to start a little bit of a business. Her and I have been married 14 years, and today happens to be her birthday. Oh, happy birthday to her. That's awesome. Yeah. But in the last four years, she's been developing her art talents, and she does watercolors, custom watercolors, portraits, different things.

Anyway, she's tried over the last few years to develop that a little bit more, but as a stay-at-home mom with four kids, it's kind of tough. Yeah. To find that schedule and the timing. And she's done things like put it on social media and, you know, some of those DIY cell websites and whatnot. But nothing's really kind of taken off, and it hasn't been the success that she's wanted it to be. What are the ages of your kids?

12, 11, 7, and 4. Okay. And is the 4-year-old in any type of school where she has some time at home or is she pretty much with the the four-year-old all the time um some of the times she does a co-op preschool and so she teaches with that too some of the times so yeah okay well that's important because if you were saying you know know, we have four kids under age seven, then that's a very different answer than if you've got four kids where most of them are in school and she has some of the time. She can block that on her schedule. Here's one of the things that I would say, Taylor, is the idea of business, especially to a creative, like your wife sounds like she is, especially to someone that's never done anything in business before. It sounds really intimidating. So one of the things that you can do in just a really supportive way is encourage her in

small steps. So it doesn't have to be some big thing. We're going to get it set up and get logos and make it this big. That's actually super intimidating and you don't have to do it. So just encourage her like, hey, like, yeah, let's put it on our Facebook page. page hey what if you open an etsy shop what did you say she's where has she put it so far uh she's got it on facebook and etsy and instagram okay and she's it's just not uh she's just not getting customers yeah yeah pretty much okay that can be super discouraging when you're starting out because you think oh people, people don't like me.

This is never going to work. See, I knew I wasn't cut out for business. It's going to be hard for me to really analyze that without knowing why. You know, is it the pricing? Is it the messaging? Is it the, you know, is it the product? I don't know. But here's what I would love to do, Taylor.

We have an event coming up in Nashville, but it's also live streamed for the Business Boutique October 14th through the 16th. So I'd love it do Taylor we have a event coming up in Nashville but it's also live stream for the business boutique October 14th through the 16th so I'd love it if you'll just stay on the line I'll have Kelly give you a ticket to give your wife where she can view the live stream we will talk all about marketing we're talking about messaging we're going to give her some specific things she can take

away and apply to what she's doing and then she'll be able to look at her Facebook posts or product descriptions on Etsy through the lens of some of these best practices in marketing and that type of thing, social media. And then also we'll send you a business boutique book to get her started before then so she doesn't have to wait till mid-October to start to learn some of that. But I think that the biggest thing that you can do is just continue to believe in her and encourage her and remind her

that it's normal to be slow getting started. It's normal to learn as you go and figure out what works and what doesn't. And by the way, every person that's ever been successful in any type of business has done that exact same thing. That's what we do here. That's what small businesses do and big corporations do. Everybody is starting somewhere and everyone is figuring it out as they go learning and adapting. And she's just in the learning phase and that is a super normal part of the process. But the fact that she has you in her corner

is an awesome thing because that is going to mean so much to her to believe in her even when she doesn't believe in herself, Taylor. And you do. And I think that's awesome. So stay on the line and we'll have Kelly give you the Business Boutique book

and then a ticket to the Business Boutique conference for her whenever she can view that on live stream. And hey, Taylor, last night, I'll give you the other perspective here. I'm the husband on the other side of this. My wife is also starting a business. Last night, I sat across the table from her and said, now we're entering what I would call the vulnerable season, especially for creatives. It's not a matter of, I just want to start a, I don't know, a

house painting job. This is, I am putting a piece of myself on a canvas. Oh, your heart. When they reject this painting, they're rejecting me. I leaned across the table and said, how can I best support you in this season? And what I didn't do was I didn't say, you know what you should be doing is you should be doing this.

And, hey, you should call this guy because he's going to help it. It was, how can I support you in this season? And I'm going to let her, my brilliant, talented wife, speak to me and not try to solve her problems for her. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. I want her to know I'm on her side, but that I'm not trying to undermine her. I don't know her business or her heart,

but all those things. So I'm always going to loop back. And it's become a weekly thing. How can I support you now? And she's saying, I'm entering vulnerable season now, or this is just business creation season, or this is just, how can I support you? And I'm going to ask her to be honest with me.

There's such a great lesson there, too, for anybody, though, for any marriage conversation around this, because often we think we know what the other person needs, and we go right to that, or what we would want if we were in their shoes, but we're not them. And so I love that. There's such a, something so powerful in the simplicity of asking the person you want to help what type of help they need. How can I help? And if your partner asks you, how can I help? Don't say nothing.

You've got to be honest too, right, on the other side of that. You've got to tell the truth and say, here we go. We can help you. All right, let's go to Matthew in Trenton, New Jersey. What's up, Matthew? How are we doing? Hi, thank you for taking my call.on, New Jersey. What's up, Matthew? How are we doing? Hi, thank you for taking my call. You bet, man.

What's up? So my fiancé and I moved in together in July, and I don't have any debt. She has a student loan, but she has been crushing her debt for the last nine months. She's paid off about $40,000 so far. And I didn't want, you know, prior to living together, I was living at home with my parents and she was living at home with her parents. So, you know, we're both now new to like we're paying bills. We've got rent and all these payments.

And so I wanted to do a nice thing and volunteer and say, you know what, I'm going to cover the bills for the next four months because she's expected to be debt-free in October. And I said, you know what, I don't want to derail your debt-free journey. I want to do a nice thing and help out. And I mean, I don't have any debt. I have a good amount of savings. I can afford it. The problem is I feel anxiety spending so much money. I'm not used to that. Like I said, I was living at home. When are y'all getting married, man? I'm spending a lot of money. Next summer. Next summer. So here's what I want you to do.

Have y'all started premarital counseling of any kind? No, we have not. Okay. You're both moving from your parents' house to now you're playing grown-up. And so I want you all to go sit down with somebody who's going to be a premarital counselor. What's it going to do? They're going to pose questions as a neutral third party, and they are going to teach you guys how to have these conversations in the meantime because here's what's going to happen. She's going to feel like your charity case.

You're going to feel guilty. You're going to feel guilty. You're going to feel weird. And suddenly that guilt and weirdness, that's why we tell people, man, if you're going to play house, get married, and then put all of your money in the same account and work together on this deal. Because what you're doing now is you're trying to do both things.

You're trying to practice living together. You're trying to practice the money thing. And then you're just going to have all these interconnected feelings and drama and then it's going to be her fault and your fault. It's going to become a mess real quick. You're already feeling that, right? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, you're going to take the way you did it at your house and that's the only

way you know and she's going to take the way she did it at her house and there's going to be this... It's going to be a mess. And so if you're going to wait a whole year to get married, man, you're already there. I'd say go find somebody this weekend just to the peace and get this thing done. And then you dump it all in the same account and go for it. If you're not going to do that, then I want you to go get a premarital counselor and y'all start walking through some actual steps that you can take to make sure you're having the right conversation. You're staying on the same page and y'all are

learning how to become teammates because man, you're trying to change the oil in this car while it's driving down the road at 85 miles an hour. And you can flip this thing if you're not careful. Okay. Don't get overdramatic. Go meet with somebody and y'all start walking through these plans together. We'll be right back on the Ramsey show. Dave here. We just launched a brand new listener survey. We want to know what you think about the show. You'll be entered to win a $100 Amazon gift card. No purchase necessary.

Take the survey at RamseySolutions.com slash survey or guarantee means even if you mismeasure or pick the wrong color they'll remake your blinds for free you get free samples free shipping and with the new promos they run every month you'll save even more use promo code ramsey to get the best deal, rules and restrictions apply. Today's question comes from Bianca in Arizona. She asks, my boyfriend of four years and I recently started listening to your podcast and have been working on a budget and our debt snowball. I know you recommend not paying off your boyfriend or girlfriend's debt if you're not married, but my boyfriend insists on paying off my debt to move us closer to marriage and a family. However, when he's upset about our spending, he starts by saying,

If it weren't for me helping you, Oh, Christy, I don't like this dude. This makes me hesitant about allowing him to do anything for me, and it's starting to weigh me down. How should I handle this situation? I think they should go see the premarital counselor that Matt and I saw make her thing twice. Wow. You haven't walked in the aisle yet. I don't like that attitude.

I don't like it at all. I don't like your attitude. It's not a gift if you're going to hold it over my head. Aside from the other issues with it, there are so many issues. I just want to highlight that one. It's the gaslighting power nonsense. I't like it at all you need me you need me here's a gift what do you mean it's i'm running this uh bianca i would tell you to run run run but you got four years invested and so i know that would be a snap judgment based off something I'm just reading here and I haven't ever met you. But this is one reason why we tell you don't pay off your boyfriend or girlfriend's debt because you're not married.

You're not in this whole thing together. There's still some loosey goose here and you're finding out something about your boyfriend that's really powerful, which is he's going to consider things a gift and then hold it over your head, right? And by the way, having debt doesn't keep you from getting married and starting a family. In fact, you all do that together. It's part of your journey together, right? I don't like any of this.

I think you're – actually, we're joking, but I think you're right. You need to go see a premarital – a premarriage counselor today, right? I have so many questions. If she's working on her debt i assume she's at least in her early 20s i mean this is a major assumption here so maybe not but i'm going i don't know unless you're super young you know maybe you're in mid late 20s at least you're super young why why haven't y'all gotten married yet four years why haven't y'all got married yet unless you know like i said unless you're second thing i love how she said, he insists on paying my debt to

move us closer to marriage and a family. Let me tell you how you move it closer to family. You put a ring on it. That's how you move us closer to marriage. And you could, you could do that. You don't have to pay off the debt first. Again, what jumps out to me in this is the, and it's in quotes. So she's quoting him, I'm guessing here. If it weren't for me helping you, I don't like this power dynamic. I don't like the dynamic. I don't like the control.

I don't like the attitude. And here's the thing. If he's acting like this now, Bianca, I know you thought you were asking a money question. If he's acting like this now when you're not married, I don't want to see the version of him when he thinks he has more authority as your husband. I don't like it. So here's something, Bianca, you say it here and I'm going to reiterate your own words back to you. This makes me hesitant about allowing him to do anything for me, including be my husband, including make humans with me, right?

And it's starting to weigh me down. Yes. You said it. Those are your words. I love how you said that. Those are her words. Those are your words, and I want you to listen to what you wrote. Read what you wrote.

You can't listen to what you wrote. Reread what you wrote. Your instinct feels correct to me. The, um, one of the most beautiful and difficult and beautiful aspects of marriage is being vulnerable. This is the person you're the most vulnerable with of anybody else. And, uh, one of the,

a beautiful gift in marriage is allowing your, your spouse to do things for you and, and them and vice versa. And, and you do, and you will have to, there are times Matt has seen me of my lowest, lowest lows and my worst,

worst, worst, worst, worst. And that's a gift to get to go through the worst of the worst times with the person you love the most as they carry you when you're at your worst and you carry them when you're at their worst. That's trust. That's what that is. That's trust. And you don't have that Bianca. And he's not proven worthy of it. You're right in your assessment that you're hesitant about allowing him to do anything. I don't like it. And I want to speak to the other side. If you are somebody who gives a gift, if you are somebody who's helping somebody through a tough time,

don't ever say, if it weren't for me. Don't ever say, but without me, you wouldn't be. It's a gift. And if you use kindness and weaponize it as a tool to get power, if you show up with food as an ROI that they're going to owe you later, what a sad way to live. If you're going to give a gift, give a gift. If you're going to commit and say,

hey, we've agreed for whatever reason. I don't agree with it, but if we've agreed, we're not going to get married, we're not going to start a family until we're out of debt, and I'm going to help you out. Then help out and shut your mouth. Help out if it weren't for me helping you. If there's strings attached,

it's not a gift. If you bring it up again, it's not a gift. And really, and I love how you called out this side of people because I've known people like that. I get it. Here's the thing.

If you bring it up again, it's not a gift. If there's strings attached, it's not a gift. And what you're saying and what you're showing is that this is about you. What a hero you are.

What a big dog you are that you can do xyz and you're using it as a weapon of manipulation and power and control and and no one likes that and and no one wants to be around that yeah no one wants your gift there's not a gift in the world there's not an amount of money in the world that would make me jump for someone saying that i'm gonna hold this over your head i'm'm like, cool, I'll walk. Bye, Felicia. I'm out. We gone.

We gone. There's nothing that's going to, yeah. All right, let's see if Tyler in Sacramento can redeem this segment. I'm just starting to get my blood pressures up. Tyler, what's up? What's up, guys? Thanks for taking my call. Tyler, save the segment here, man.

I'm getting all frustrated. What's up? Help us. Okay, so I'm 26, and my wife and I have been married for a year. We got married during the pandemic. And we started doing the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps. We're on Baby Step 2. The only debt that we have is our student loan, well, my student loan, but I guess ours.

Ours. There you go. Look at that. I'm trying. I'm trying to redeem it. And we have older cars. So wine was gifted to me by my grandma. I didn't have to pay for it. And my wife's parents helped her pay redeem it. And we have older cars. So they were, but one was gifted to me by my grandma. I didn't have to pay for it.

And my wife's, her parents helped her pay for it. And they're a little bit older and they're kind of reaching like really high mileage. And so I guess the question that I have for you guys is how should we approach replacing probably my wife's car when that time comes while we're paying debt? Do we like take our student loans and pause them and then save up for a couple of months to buy a used car that'll keep us going? Do we just try to use one car? We both work and my wife goes to school and I work full time. How much debt do you guys have? We have about $45,000 to $45,000 in student loans. And we have our thousand dollars saved up,

but we also have a little bit of overage for savings because we just started doing this recently. And so we were just trying to figure out, should we just throw all of that at our student loans? How much do you make, man? Before taxes together, we make about 76,000. Okay. When will you be out of debt?

Have y' all tracked that? Yeah, so it just depends on how much we put down. So I collect it right now if we don't change anything about two and a half years. But I just started doing a side hustle. So whatever money I make from that, I plan to just put it towards that. So, I mean, realistically, maybe in about two years we could be out of debt. Here's the deal, Tyler. You can do it faster.

Yes. Unless that car completely stops moving, you're not going to replace it. Baby Step 2 is designed for this. You are a gazelle hanging out on the plains, and a lion pops out of the grass and is chasing you to kill you. You have $1,000 and that $1,000 is for absolute emergencies. You're going to take any of your other savings. You're going to throw it at this student loan debt. And you're going to work two side hustles on top of a third side hustle.

And you are going to beat the life of these cars. You're going to beat it, right? So, no, you're not going to save up for cars. If one falls apart, you're going to buy a $1,000 car. This is going to get you from A to B until you can get out of debt and save up for another one, right? The goal here is to scratch, claw, and sprint your way to pay these things off. 18 months max, probably 15 months if you all really hurry,

and then you start saving up for cars. Today's scripture of the day is Psalm 16, 8. I have set the Lord always before me, because he is at my right hand. I shall not be shaken. Booker T. Washington says, Character, not circumstance, makes the person. Say that one again. Character, not circumstance, makes the person. Booker T., my man.

All right, let's go to Susan in Detroit. Hey, Susan, what's going on? Hi, guys. How are you? Outstanding. How can we help? Thank you so much for taking my call to my favorite Ramsey personality. That's what we've been saying. Susan, you're our favorite. You're our favorite.

I'm hoping you guys can help me. I'm a little bit in short. I feel like I I lost my mojo and I'm trying to get it back. Where'd it go? Where'd it go? I don't know. So, um, so, so the quick and dirty version is that, um, I am

my youngest, our youngest child will be graduating high school in two years. And so I have been primarily a stay-at-home mom for the past seven years accidentally. It was not the plan, but it was kind of God's plan and that's the way it worked out. So that's okay. But basically, I originally had plans to go to law school right out of undergrad, but I met my husband, and we married right out of undergrad, and he's ex-Navy, so I ended up following him through his military career. Well, now we're at the point where our youngest kiddo is getting ready to graduate, and my resume, because I've been primarily a stay-at-home mom, it looks like the resume of a military spouse. So I've got a little bit of everything here and there, but I'm really wanting to move forward and kind of get back on that path to doing what I want to do career-wise for me and i am concerned about whether or not i'm moving

in the right direction because i'm torn between law school and entrepreneurship and i'm trying to find a way to merge my passions and my interests and still um and not waste money because we're also on baby step two how old are you, Susan? I am 46. 46. Susan, for the first time in a long time, you get to think about what just you want to do. That's a big deal. Like this is a really special moment in time that you get to think about what you want to do. And that can be really exciting.

It can also be super overwhelming. Because maybe it's law school, which was the dream a long, long time ago, and maybe it's something totally new and totally different. And what's so cool about this moment is that you have a ton of options. You don't have to make the decision tomorrow.

And you have permission to try some stuff you don't have to it doesn't have to feel like this huge big commitment i'm definitely going to do this and commit and put all this money behind this decision you can spend some time just figuring it out figuring out what you enjoy what's life-giving testing experimenting trying some stuff and so i just i just want to encourage you you're at a really special moment moment. And I have seen friends go through this moment where their kids are in school. And it can be exciting. It can also be terrifying. But I just want to encourage you that the possibilities are endless. And you don't have to commit today, right now to what the one thing you're going to do in this new season is, you can test and experiment. So Susan, you may have heard me tell this story before,

but I like telling it, so I'll do it again. At 43, 42 or 43, maybe 44, my mom took her first community college class a couple of miles from my childhood home. And I think that we took algebra together. Sounds like your kids are ahead of me. I was a freshman in high school. We either took algebra together sounds like your kids are ahead of me we took i was a freshman in high school we either took algebra together or uh geometry or something she took one class then the next semester she took one more class and then the next semester she took two and she had my dad cheering her on she had a couple of us we were still trying to figure

things out because suddenly we were doing the laundry on our own and figuring stuff out as we were going. Right. At age 57, after working at Enron, Deloitte & Touche, and some fancy pants places, she graduated with her PhD and became an English professor. And at 70, she just rolled off to go back to be a professor after being a department chair. This is a woman who would not get on an airplane, who's now spent the last decade flying to Wales and Oxford and being a professor all over the world. And that started at 43 or 44. And so here's the thing. Take one community college class, just one.

And if you don't like it, it costs you $59 a credit hour. Right? That's a fancy dinner. And you can take one class and say, man, law school is not for me. I was also the dean of students at a law school. I had multiple students who were second career folks in their 30s, 40s, 50s,

and they're in law school classes with 22-year-olds, and it makes for a really wacky dynamic, but you know what they are after three years? Lawyers. Right? That's what they are. Yeah. So here's the question you have to ask yourself.

At age 50, what you're going to be, do you want to be a lawyer at age 50 or not? Do you want to have an associate's degree in a new thing or not? Do you want to have a small business or not? Those are the magic questions. Are they scary? Yes. But I'll tell you, you can change your entire, here's what, here's what that allowed me to do. Can I tell you something crazier? It allowed me at my early forties, when I had accomplished my dream job at my dream university to say, I'm going to do something crazy and take a complete left turn and come work for this wacky crew here at Ramsey Solutions. And here you are. So that one decision changed an entire legacy in a home, right? It gave all of my mom's kids permission to just follow our noses, do the next

right crazy thing, to be tethered in, et cetera, et cetera. Susan, one thing, stay on the line too, because Ken Coleman's new book, From Paycheck to Purpose, in the beginning of that book, he walks you through how to really get clear in what you'd want to do. And I think that would be really helpful for you in this season. And he has the path to help you pursue it. And then as well, I'll have Kelly send you a copy of Business Boutique if you do decide to go the small business route. Or even a side business like Delaney and I are saying you can experiment. One community class and maybe work on something on the side. And just test some of these things to see what makes you light up and come alive and that you want to pursue at a low risk level.

So stay on the line. I'll have Kelly send you or get you pre-ordered for Ken's new book that comes out in November, my new book that comes out next week or the next week. And as you get those in your hands, it'll just give you some tools to start walking you through some questions to ask yourself to get clear on what that looks like for you in this journey. And one last thing to not forget, Susan. And actually, it's not just for Susan. This is for everybody. When your kids are becoming sophomores, juniors, seniors, it's going to feel like you have a hole in your heart

that is just getting bigger and bigger. And that's just called grief. It's just called sadness because your kid's moving on. And you miss those little days. I told my daughter last night, she's five. She has permission no more to keep growing. She's as tall and as big as she's allowed to be. That's it. We're done. That's it.

And she said, my birthday's coming and we're going to have cake. And when I have cake, then I become six. And that's just how that works. It's okay to feel sad and to begin making plans at the same time. You're not crazy or nuts or bananas if your heart's broken. Your kid's going to college. You've been a stay-at-home mom. This is the thing, right? It's going crazy or nuts or bananas. If you are, if your heart's broken, your kid's going to college,

you've been a stay at home mom. This is the thing, right? It's going to have a season. You're going to have a season of grieving and a season of excitement and a season of this is so scary and a season of dipping your toe in the water or jumping all in or all of it all at the same time. And so it's going to feel overwhelming. So make sure you've got a crew of people. It's going to walk through this with you.

Make sure you've got two or three women that you trust that you can text and say, am I crazy? And they'll go, yeah, but keep going anyway. That you're going to have a gang because it's going to be all of this all at the same time. And then, man, at 50 years old, Susan's going to call us and be like, what's up, suckers? Do y'all need some legal representation? It's going to be so, so good.

What are you going to do at 43, Christy? Oh my gosh. I am not as much of a planner as you think I am. I'm like, let me get through the next 43 minutes. You do have 11 kids under three. That's right. I do have 11 kids. I have three kids, but it feels like 11.

And, yeah, it's just like what – I'll tell you, I wrote this down this morning when I was journaling. My hopes for this season is that I can be fully present for it. It's easy to be so exhausted with little kids or anybody in a hard season that you wish it away. I don't want to wish it away. I want to be right where I am. Be where your feet are. Wherever you are, be there. Don't wish it away.

Big thanks to Ben on the boards and to Kelly Daniel there taking the calls. It's good to see your smiling faces staring back at us. And thank you, America, for being with us. We'll see you soon right here on The Ramsey Show. Dave here. We just launched a brand new listener survey. We want to know what you think about the show. You'll be entered to win a $100 Amazon gift card.

No purchase necessary. Take the survey at RamseySolutions.com slash survey or text survey to 33789.