The Ramsey Show - App - My Family Is Accusing Me of Stealing Money From My Mom (Hour 3)

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

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Thank you very much. Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is The Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your money, your life, your relationships, starting new businesses, closing businesses, anything and everything. 888-825-5225.

I'm John Deloney, joined here by best-selling author and all-around rock star, wife, mom, business owner, everything, Christy Wright. How are you? I'm great. I'm going to tell Matt I'm a rock star wife. I just got introduced on the Randy Show as rock star. He texted me and said, hey, tell her that, by'm great. I'm going to tell Matt I'm a rock star wife. I just got introduced on the Randy Show. He actually just texted that. He texted me and said, hey, tell her that, by the way. Please add that to her bio. Well played.

Well played. How are you? Great. I'm excited because this is a big week and a lot of energy around here. It's been a whirlwind week, huh? Yeah. So tell me about it. So Tuesday, two days ago, book launched.

It's on the streets. I got to go to Target, my local Target here, and freak out and cause a big scene for all the employees. Sign a few books. Get excited that it's on an end cap, which, by the way, it's on end caps on Target shelves all over the country, hopefully where you are, too. And then yesterday did media. Today did media. And then tonight is our event. Me and Dave are going to be speaking this evening. It's a live stream event. And it's really just continuing to kick off the launch of this book, celebrating. You know, the thing is, John, launching a book in this world, the reality of our day is very different now. I mean, when I launched Business Boutique in 2017, it was a

two and a half week book tour. You've got a bus that's wrapped. You're in cities all over the country, you know, day after day after day, meeting people, signing books, shaking hands, taking pictures. And gosh, it feels a little different now, you know, day after day after day, meeting people, signing books, shaking hands, taking pictures. And gosh, it feels a little different now, you know, because it's from here and it's all virtual. So there's a sad component to it, but at the same time, we're making the most of it. So I'm super excited.

We're going to have an in-studio audience here. So if anyone wants to come, there's still tickets to come be with us in person. I will sign every book. I will shake your hand and take pictures, which will be fun. But everyone else can join us on live stream and uh and we're gonna i'm gonna go through an overview of the book uh basically my talk is kind of a summary overview of the book and i've heard the talk it's and it's extraordinary well thank you it hits a nerve which is funny i

i love how dave ramsey opens the forward of this and the opening lines of the book of the forward he writes i tried to talk her out of it anybody that knows me knows that's really not that surprising i would have loved to seeing y'all two going back and forth on that in case you can imagine dave and christy disagreeing is like watching a firework show inside it makes tyler seymour my brand manager have miniature panic panic attacks every time crisis and disorder for a living, and it makes me uncomfortable. We enjoy it. We're like, wow, we're bonding.

We're closer. I walk out of the room, I'm like, gosh, we just communicated. The rest of our hair is on fire. We're breathing smoke. It's like, whoa. Everyone doesn't see conflict as connection like any roommates do. Well, listen, as your friend, I'm just so excited. Thank you.

My book, I think, is in a couple of gas stations across America. So to walk into a Target where they have lights on and air conditioning just seems so cool. Lights. But congratulations on this. It's such an important book and an important moment in history. Thank you. Thank you. Everybody is completely cooked and fried and spun out.

And I'm so glad you're doing the event tonight. And, man, we are rooting and cheering you on.. I'm so glad you're doing the event tonight. We are rooting and cheering you on. This is awesome. Thank you. That's one of the fun things about our company, Ramsey Solutions, whether it's money, obviously what we're most known for, anxiety, which is what you obviously have a book on. Even with this issue of time management and balance, we really take on the hard stuff and we take on the stuff that most people struggle with.

This is not a niche topic like oh it's just for these certain few people that have no it's everybody struggles with these things money anxiety balance and time management so um i love that we can just help a lot of people with the stuff that they struggle with because we've learned a lot we've struggled with it in different ways and um and we want to give hope in those spaces so if you're if you have been living in iraq and haven't listened to this show in the last month, um, give people a synopsis, kind of walk them through what inspired you to write this book. What's, what's in your heart and mind on this deal? Yeah, well, I, most people know me as the business coach. So I have spent 10 years being a business coach. I've written a book,

business boutique, have events, all that stuff. And in 10 years of doing this, the number one question that I'm asked is not a business question. It's this question. How do you balance it all? And I've been asked this by men and women, those with kids, those without kids, different ages, different stages. And so the problem solver in me wants to lean into that and go, okay, wow, this is a major pain point for people. But it took on a new level of, I guess, urgency when I had three kids in five years and felt that strain myself. And what I have found is that we think the solution is productivity. We think the solution is I need to multitask. I need to work harder and smarter and wake up earlier and pour more coffee and have a better app and have, you know, multitask throughout the day and stay up later.

And we're tired. And we don't feel any more balanced. And so I started asking a different question. What if balance isn't something you do, how you balance it all? What if it's something you could create in your life and still be busy? What if you could be balanced in an out of balance world? And what if balance looks more like peace, being confident in your choices, being happy with how you spend your time.

I think that's what we're really after when we say we want to be balanced or we want to have balance. And so I really believe that comes down to doing the right things at the right time. It's not about doing everything for an equal amount of time. It's about doing the right things at the right time. And when you do that, you feel that sense of balance you've been looking for. We've talked about this book a number of times, and I've just heard you say something I've never heard you say before. I always feel like if I'm, quote, unquote, balanced – let me take this to, like, the weight room. If I'm doing a balance exercise, I can't lift super heavy weight.

And sometimes when I'm doing these little balance-y exercises, it doesn't feel like I really got anything done, right? And if I'm a hard charger, if I'm a rock star mom of three and I'm crushing it and killing it and whatever, if I'm a CEO, if I'm an over-the-road truck driver and I'm putting in extra hours to fill in the blank, when I hear the word balance, it makes me feel like don't work as hard.

Yeah, that's why Dave hates the word. To him, it is the phone calls he's had for 30 years where someone says, well, I can't pay off my debt because I love my kids and I don't want to take a second job. I don't want to work so hard. That's what he hears. I think that's what a lot of us hear.

Yeah, and I think we swing to these extremes like, oh, you've got to live in this zen state and meditate all day. No that's ridiculous that's not or you got to be slaughtered and murdered right and drag it right i think i think we think of this um idea that that everything is going to be equal we're going to do it all well so for example let's say that you have a week and the right thing for you to do that week is busted at work that's the season i'm in right now i'm launching a book i. Today I got here at six this morning. I'll be here till nine tonight.

That's right today. But if I judge myself like, oh, like, did I work out today? No. Am I hanging out with my friends today? No. Did I slow down and have time to myself? No. There's all these things I didn't do.

Did you say kumbaya with your kids this morning? No. Sure did not. And so if I judge myself on my success in the areas I'm not spending time on, on a day that I'm spending time on something else, well, then all I come up with every time is that I'm failing. It's failure. And so there are millions of people walking around every day feeling like they're failing. They're actually not.

They're doing the right things. They're just focusing on the thing they're not doing. And so I want to help you determine what's right right now and then acknowledge that it's right and be proud of the fact that you're doing what's right. And so it's both. It's both I want to spend my time on the right things, but then even if you do it, you still need to be present for it and be proud of it instead of feeling guilty for all these things that are not right right now. So it's both tactical, but also there's an emotional aspect of it too.

It's almost a psychological and spiritual component. Be where you are and be present and be really excited to be there. What a timely message for a chaotic world. Yeah. Thank you for putting this out into the world. Thank you.

Christy Wright, her new book, Take Back Your Time in Target, on the internets, everywhere. ChristyWright.com, Rachel,

RamseySolutions.com, I was going to say Rachel. Or Rachel. Or Rachel. I will send Rachel to send you there. She'll buy it too, right? You've got a lot on your plate.

A job, your home, your marriage, and your growing family. While you're enjoying the present, you can't help but think about your future and your finances. As you explore your options, consider Christian Healthcare Ministries, or CHM, for your health care. Their generous maternity program and budget-friendly monthly programs have been a blessing to members welcoming children into their families. Visit chministries.org slash budget to see if it's right for you. Christian Healthcare Ministries is a Ramsey-trusted provider. This is The Ramsey Show, 888-825-5225. I'm John Deloney, joined by my good friend and best-selling author, Christy Wright, taking your calls on money, life, balance, relationships, all of it.

Let's go to Nick in Lexington, Kentucky. What's up, brother Nick? Not much. How are you all? Outstanding, brother. What's up? How can we help? Well, first off, thank you all for taking my call.

And Christy, John, everybody from the whole Ramsey Solutions. You guys have put a lot of inspiration in me and my family. And just thank you all for what you're doing. Just keep on. You've helped us out a ton. That's awesome. Appreciate you, man. First off, I'm 33. My wife's 30. We've been married about eight years. We've got a four-year-old girl and a

one-year-old girl. About four years ago, we started doing the Ramsey plan, Dave-ish. Went about 18 months and really well. Kind of backed off for a plan break by davish uh went about 18 months is really well kind of backed off for a year uh jumped back in at about 18 months ago uh so we've been at it for about three years now we've got right at 66 000 where the debt paid off congratulations we're down to our last 2000 should be done by the end of this month. Yeah. And you survived a hurricane of two little kids in that house. That's phenomenal, brother.

Yes, yes. She's been awesome throughout this whole time. So a question to you all is, now that we kind of see that light at the end of the tunnel, I know once we hit that $2,000 and get that taken away, we have everything gone but the house. I know we go back in to start putting away in retirement, but, you know, we like to camp. We like to ride.

We like to, you know, have people. We're thinking about wanting to kind of build this detached garage. We want to kind of upgrade the camper. At what point do we say we can start doing that? Well, you know, you can do those things once you have, obviously, the money for them, but still there's one more baby step that we want you to be intense on, and that's baby step three. And that's where you get your three to six months of expenses.

So even after you pay off your debt this month, which is a huge accomplishment, don't take your foot off the gas just yet. You want to figure out how much money do you need to have three to six months of expenses. And that's what we would call a fully funded emergency fund. If something major happened to the house, to the car, to a health issue, whatever, then you've got that emergency fund where you're not scared. You're not scared from the money side of it.

You're not going to go into debt to cover it. And then once you get past baby step three, and you have that fully funded emergency fund, you will move into four, five and six. That is where it's more of a steady marathon. You're doing them simultaneously. You're investing 15%. You're saving for kids college, and you're paying off your house. And these are all happening at the same time. It's more gradual gradual it's over a long haul so it's not the same gazelle intensity you have in maybe step two or even three and that's where yeah you can save up in cash flow those things but what you're going to need to do nick and this is hard

is when you get to that stage you and your wife are going to need to sit down and talk about which do we want to do first matt and i have these conversations john it's like oh which do we want to do do we want to get a new ac unit or do we want to take a vacation you know and you just have to think through like well how urgent is this and which the camper or the trip or whatever and and you just prioritize it as simple and tactical as that is y'all have a conversation and decide about what you want to do first in what order you save up and pay cash and cash flow those things. And Nick, I've seen this conversation go one of two ways. It is a grind. You'll go on a date and it turns into a,

well, I've been wanting to do this and I've been wanting to do that. And what you try to do is you try to map out these things that you want to get and attach to your old life. The other way I've seen this thing go, and this is the way I hope you will go, I hope you and your wife will celebrate

this extraordinary accomplishment. You guys have, you just have done really remarkable things. You do, you've done a very rare thing. You're in rare air now. And y'all take a half day and y'all get away from the kids.

You get a babysitter. Y'all go get a nice breakfast, maybe a progressive breakfast or eat one thing here and drive over and go eat somewhere. Do something cool and consider it a miniature retreat. And begin to think about where do we want to be? Who do we want to be? What is that going to look like? And that becomes a dream conversation, a fun conversation, inspiring conversation, and not a, well, I want i want a camper well i want an outdoor air

conditioner and i want a garage it becomes a what kind of people are we going to be and i don't know about you christy when i when i got to the baby step three part these things i thought i wanted they took on less and less importance the freer i got yeah and it was this weird attachment i had to stuff and i didn't realize it was this weird attachment I had to stuff. And I didn't realize it was a security blanket. And so then when I didn't owe anybody anything and you're looking around thinking, oh, well, I'm just, I don't know. We'll get that later.

I don't know. It just kind of, it kind of let the air out of some of that stuff. You know, it's so funny you say that because in the book, I actually quote Craig Groeschel in a similar question that you just said, because often we don't know what to do on our calendar. We don't know what to put on our schedule and so you ask yourself that exact question you just said who do I want to be yeah and he says this Craig Rochelle says when you know who you'll know what to do and so ask yourself who do I want to be and let that inform your money who do I want to be let that inform what you put on your calendar because you're going to put things on your calendar

that allow you to be the person you want to be and you're going to buy the stuff or prioritize the purchases that are in line with who you are. It's such a better question. I love that you asked that. Well, and for Nick, it might be, we want to be a camping family. We want to be an outdoor adventure family. And for the next 24 months, we're going to be KOA folks. Yeah.

And KOA is awesome. We're going to get a small cabin and we're going to be saving up and saving up and get this dream camp or whatever that looks like. Right. But it's instead of, I want that, I want that, I want that. It's yeah. Who are we going to be? So and saving up and get this dream camper or whatever that looks like right but it's instead of i want that i want that i want that it's yeah who are we going to be so good all right hey danielle in ashville what is going on danielle and hello can you hear me we can what's up hi thank you for taking my call i just have a quick question. I have a problem. I cannot say no to anybody, really. But my kids, my mom, me and my husband, my husband is on the road two months at a time. He's a lease operator, truck driver, and I work for Astronautics.

And we're in baby step two. We have about 10,000 left in collections to pay off, and then we'll be debt-free. But the problem is we are now a human ATM. I don't know how to stop it. I was brought up poor. My mom was a single mom, so I feel like I can never let her do without because she never let me. She worked really hard for me to have a life that I did have.

Yeah. Danielle, one of the things that I think you're in tune with, which I think is really good, is why you struggle with saying no. You even just hit on it right there of, well, you sort of feel indebted to your mom. She, you know, all these things that what she did for you and so on. So when you begin to understand your deeper motivations, you can dig into that and start to work on it there. So I think that's one of the things that's helpful, but I'll just, since we don't have a ton of time to dig into all aspects, I'll just give you a quick tip that I help people with this all the time on saying, no, this is a hot topic with time management or anything for that matter.

Certainly money. It takes practice. It takes practice. It's like a muscle. If you never exercise that muscle, that muscle is weak and wobbly at first. But the more you exercise it, that stronger that muscle becomes, the more you can do it, that the easier it becomes. So even if that means, Danielle, you literally sit down and you write out where someone asked you for something,

asked you for money, and you're going to, on your own, script out your response. What would you say in that situation? You practice in front of your mirror, practice in front of your dog. I don't care. I know this sounds silly,

but then the next time you get asked that question, you don't feel so put on the spot. You deliver that line, and you just practice doing it. It's going to be a little awkward at first, but with practice, I think it does get easier. And Danielle, I'm somebody who has tried to earn love over the course of my life, try to achieve it as though it's something I can buy. If I just say yes, if I keep showing up, I keep showing up, keep showing up. And what ended up

happening was I would begin to show up ungrateful. I'd show up resenting the fact that I was even there. I'd show up exhausted and everyone fact that I was even there. I'd show up exhausted and everyone around me started getting my second, third, and fourth fruits, especially my wife and kids. When you got a husband that's on the road, sometimes it's tempting to try to buy your children's joy out of guilt. So a phrase that's made its way around the mental health community over the last couple of years that I love is choose guilt over resentment. Choose guilt over resentment. I would rather you say no and feel that in your body as guilt. When your kid says, Hey, can we go to Sonic? Can we get to this? Can we do this? And you say, Nope, we're not doing that today. We need

healthy. We need a home. And you feel that guilt, then to drive all the way to Sonic with your kids in the back, resenting the fact that you can't say no, and that shame, and your kids are annoying, I can't believe I'm letting them do this, and drive all the way home, and then all night. Choose guilt over resentment every single time. And as Christy says, as you practice it, you'll begin to feel less guilty, you'll stand a little bit taller, and suddenly you'll find yourself saying no with a smile on your face. And it will bring joy to everyone around you.

This is The Ramsey Show. 888-825-5225 888-825-5225 This is the Ramsey Show. I'm John Deloney. Joined by my good friend Christy Wright. Taking your calls on life, work, relationships, money, all of it. And on the debt-free

stage, we don't have a debt-free screen, but we have an in-house question. Our friend Mike from Fairbanks, Alaska. What's going on, brother Mike? Yes, thank you. Question up front, I don't know how to charge people, get over that hurdle of thinking what my time is worth and for actually charging for my time. Now, that's the question up front. The context of that is I'll be retiring next month. And so I kind of want to do a dream I've had for many years. And now with the retirement, I'll have a basement on how much comes in.

So the risk is gone that used to be there if I was just to quit. So I have all the skills to do what I want to do. So when you say a basement, you mean you're going to have retirement coming in? Yeah. Okay. So there'll be a lowest, you know, with food and covering, we'll be content. So we have the money. Okay.

But from up there, I'd like to add income with some light remodel type work. So I have all the skills, built her own house, done major gut job remodels on places I've owned. And I have done some work for other people, not pay, but just to help them out. So the skills are there. But I've never been in a position where I have to charge someone for what I'm doing. And I'll probably underprice myself. I'll probably feel guilty saying, this is what your materials are going to cost. Now this is what I'm going to cost because my business plan is to let them pay for the materials

so I'm not their banker. And then I just charge them for my labor. So anyway, any thoughts on how to get over that hurdle? Yeah. First of all, I just want to encourage you that this is a really common struggle for people starting out in business. It's a really common struggle for people in service-based businesses where you're charging for your time, not necessarily, I'm going to

sell you a t-shirt, you're paying for the t-shirt. That's a little bit more removed from the person. So I just want to encourage you, it's common and it can be overcome. People do it all day, every day. It's kind of similar to what we were talking about a minute ago with saying no, being a muscle through practice. The more you talk about it, it will be easier. But here's what I want you to think about. So when you think about it as your business, sometimes we get all squirmy, like, oh, I feel bad. This is something you've done without charging before. So it's kind of in your brain as a hobby, a gift, doing something to be nice. So it's been in this category. You also already have income. So it's not like this is primary source of income. So that income feels like, well, I don't really have to charge. What I want to help do, help you do, and you can think about this, is I want you to mentally

shift this business idea from being a hobby to being a business. Because a hobby costs you money and a business makes you money. If this is going to be a business, the purpose of this is to make money. That's actually what we do in business. We serve the marketplace. They pay us certificates of appreciation with president's faces on them. So when you switch this into that mental gear of, okay, the purpose of this is to make money,

then it takes a little bit of your feelings out of it because it's not about you. It's about the business. This business needs to make money in order to stay in business one other thing that can help you because so much of it is in our head in addition to the practice one other thing that might help you mike because i want you to think about think about something that you have paid for recently just tell me anything it could be a product or a service what's something you've paid for recently that you really liked that you really were happy you bought well plane tickets okay plane tickets i was thinking those incredible carhartt pants i'd

hire you right now based on the carhartt man those are awesome carhartts i love it okay so plane tickets right you you paid for plane tickets because there was a value in that service in that in being able to have a flight so you would rather have the flight than that amount of money you paid for it. And the airline company would rather have your money than the expense it cost them to run that flight. When you take the emotion out of it and you see that sales is just an exchange of value, it makes it a little bit easier to charge.

Not perfectly easy. Again, it's going to take practice. But you think, this is not about you, Mike, the person. This is about there's a value of the renovation you're doing. There's a value of practice, but you think this is not about you, Mike, the person. This is about there's a value of the renovation you're doing. There's a value of the home improvements you're doing. I just had our deck stained at our house and I even wrestled with like,

oh, could we do it ourself? Because we're do-it-yourselfers to save the money. And we just, no, let's pay someone. We've got three little kids. When are we going to do it? And this awesome man, he's a friend of ours. He's a handyman, came over, did that. It's an outstanding job, way better than we would have ever done.

I was thrilled to pay that money because there's a value in the service he provided. So just a couple quick tips for you on think of it as a business, not a hobby. And think of when you're a consumer and you pay for something you're glad you paid for, that's how customers are going to see you. There's a value in the service you provide. And it's going to take some practice. It's going to take some practice. Look in the marketplace. What are other people charging for home renovations?

You structure the business and the charging the way that you want to. But I think that the first one will be the hardest. The second one will be a little easier. Third one will be a little easier. Over time, it will get easier. So I read a book recently. I'm kind of a nerd, and I don't have a lot of friends, but I read a lot. The book is called Chatter by Ethan Cross.

And one of the big takeaways, he's a professor at the University of Michigan, talked about how we activate our fight-or-flight responses, how we activate some of our natural fear responses. And interestingly, when we say the words, and this is right along, this is like some neuroscience that validates what Trisha just said. Back me up with some science, John. I need that. That when we say things like I and we, it's the reason why you might be thinking, I don't

know why I can't seem to communicate with my wife today. I'm missing the boat here. Your heart starts racing. You get that pit in your stomach. You get that headache. Your back hurts. But when your buddy calls you and says, hey, can you help me with my marriage? You're able to rattle off. Well, yeah, ding dong, do one, two, and three. When we talk to ourselves in third person, for some reason, it doesn't activate our bodies. It doesn't get that shame, that worth that I should be doing this for free. I'm a good guy. I have a faith component.

I'm a person of faith and we should just give everything away because that's what, you know. I wonder if you talked about this is about the business. I wonder if you can separate yourself and not say, what should I charge? Because now your body is going to respond because this is an identity issue. Instead of saying, what should Mike charge for that? Mike should charge $250 or $2,500 for that. That's a fair price. And your body will not get as emotionally invested.

It won't fire off the cortisol and the adrenaline to try to protect you from you or from the shame or from the rejection that you're going to experience. And that's another key component here. People are going to tell you, sorry, we can't afford that right now. Or we took another bid. And what you're going to have to do is really practice not letting that say, that means Mike's lame or Mike's not a good guy or Mike's a bad guy or Mike does crummy work. Over time, that's going to give you data about your pricing and your value and what kind of work you do, but not internalize that and weigh in on you. But I love, I love, I love that you are retiring and heading to something. One of the things we see often is folks retire, and then they just want to prop their feet up and just do nothing.

And then our bodies fall apart on us, our minds fall apart on us. So that is – you're going to continue to give gifts to other people and yourself. And that's incredible. Well, and just know, Mike, too, that if you start out and you price a little too low out of the gate, you can increase your prices. And you will. And people do. And that's normal. So don't put all this pressure on yourself to come out with the perfect price out of the gate. Start with something that you can say with confidence.

And then as your confidence builds, your prices can increase. And you'll get those muscles strengthened. But that's so fascinating. You can even name the business. Call it Mike's Home Renovations. Well, Mike's Home Renovations charges this. As if you're not even Mike. That's good.

You're just representing Mike's Home Renovations. And just so you know, so when I go speak at certain events, I have a speaker's fee that runs through Ramsey and businesses and colleges, whatever, bring me in to speak. This past weekend, I did a particular event with a new group. that runs through Ramsey and businesses and colleges, whatever, bring me in to speak. This past weekend, I did a particular event with a new group. So I actually charged less because it was going to be a different type of talk for me. And so I'm helping them with the price, but it's also a beta for me. I'm practicing old material in a new place or new material in a different place.

And so it's okay if you normally do cabinetry and somebody asks you for a fence to say, I'm going to give you a little bit lower rate. I'm going to learn this. And then after this, I can say I do fences too, right? So everybody's winning in this thing. Excellent. Excellent advice. But thank you so, so much for that question.

Yeah. Let us know how it goes. Report back when you do it. Thanks so much. I love that. I love it, man. Christy, you talk, you have that conversation all the time. All the time. It's about value.

Yeah. It's not about you. It's the value. You go get coffee at Starbucks or somewhere. I want the coffee more than my $5. They want my $5 more than the coffee. It's an exchange of value. Take all your feelings out of it.

There's a value in what you're doing, and people are willing to pay for that value. Oh, I love that. What would Christy charge for this? Or what would John charge for this? Not, what should I charge? Right. Just separate it. That's so fascinating.

It's remarkable. We'll be right back on The Ramsey Show. Today's scripture is John 8 12 jesus said i am the light of the world whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of the world mark twain says the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why man i love mark twain it's pretty deep i mean we can camp there for a while all right let's go to ruth in san antonio hey ruth what's going on oh well i'm big day brimsey person and i have your book and listen to a couple of times recently back in january i've been taking care of my mother who had dementia for two and a half

years unfortunately she developed covid and passed away in January. I'm sorry. And I'm, excuse me, I'm trying not to get upset. No, you're good. I'm the executor of the estate, and I have two siblings that are making it very hard for me. They're, you know, you should have done this, you should have done that. And recently

they're accusing me of stealing money from my mother. And, uh, I'm not really sure how to handle it. And like I've requested bank statements so I can go back and say, Oh, look, here's where this money is. Here's what this money is. And it's kind of funny because for two and a half years, they said nothing. No one ever came to see her. It was up to me to take her to see them. And now it's, well, you know. And so that's kind of my terrible story. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. So, Ruth, a couple of things here. Number one, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. Have you had a chance to exhale and sit in that? I have good days and bad days and yesterday was a bad day because i had to hang up on her because she was telling me that she hoped i could live with myself and that god forgive sure pray for god to forgive me for what i've done to the family and i'm like i took care of my mother that That's right. So bad. So listen, you are not solving a math problem here. This is not a forensic issue.

I'm going to give your brother and sister the benefit of the doubt and say that I'm going to assume they are struggling with guilt over not being there for mom, that they are heartbroken that their mom's gone, that every time they see something on TV about another COVID death or another thousand COVID deaths or that brings up mom and they are choosing, unfortunately to channel that guilt and anger and sadness and heartbreak at you. Do you deserve that? No. And again, I'm giving them the high benefit of the doubt. The low benefit of the doubt is they're jerks and they're complete scumbags, and they went and had a drink one night together and thought,

hey, man, let's get our hands on some of my mom's money. I don't want to go there. But you can go get bank statements and do forensic accounting and all that kind of stuff. I wouldn't spend my energy on that unless they sue you. What you're trying to do is prove yourself to you, and you don't need to do that. Often when people are taking care of folks who have dementia, you watch the most important person in your life slowly slip away, and it's really painful because it's like a slow-motion accident

and it just slips through your fingers. It's almost a slow motion trauma, right? And it weighs on your personal relationships, your finances, your time, and you live in fight or flight for a couple of years. And then you finally wake up and you realize your identity is different. You don't know where you are, what I should be doing, because I've been having to keep somebody else alive and okay for the last couple of years. And that's why I ask you, have you sat in it, not in your brother and sister situation, but in, whew, I lost my mom.

And it's heartbreaking. And then the two people that you would hope would rally around you are not. They're forming an alliance against you, and you find yourself totally alone. It's really sad because there's no gratitude at all. I know, but listen, listen. You're using your grief and your sadness and you

are looking for people to channel that on. What I'm going to ask you to do is to forgive your brother and sister. Stop responding to them and move on. Your mom chose you for a reason. It may be just what we're seeing right now, why she chose you. Because she knew they were immature and they were not people of integrity. And so she chose you to handle the estate.

Have you done right by that estate? Yes. Have you ever stolen a dime? No. Did you honor your mother in her last few years? Yes. Have you ever stolen a dime? No. Did you honor your mother in her last few years? Yes. Then I want you to go to sleep with peace in your heart. Your brother and sister no longer get a vote.

And that's hard to say. They no longer get a vote. And I want you to forgive them and stop taking those calls. Stop taking the abuse. Stop giving yourself other jobs in order to make people who are not well and who are taking crap out on you to try to make them happy because you're not it's it's throwing water into an endless well you'll never fill it up you did right ruth and now it's time to grieve your mom and then come up with the next chapter of ruth's life which unfortunately is not going to

include your brother and sister for the time being, right? Yeah, Ruth, I have to tell you, I have unfortunately had a front row seat to watch this happen to different families that I know. And this exact process, losing a parent, the executor of the will, the siblings involved can bring out the absolute worst in some people. And people that you thought were so close before that happened are no longer close. And it is a sad thing to watch. It's a sad thing to experience. But the one thing I would offer as an encouragement, piggybacking on what John said, which is so

true, is their behavior says something about them, not about you. You know what you have done and not done. You were chosen for this. You have not stolen money, just like you just said. You have done right by her, and you're going to stand on that, and you're not going to let any of their emails, their texts, their calls, their accusations, their hateful words that they are spewing at you.

You're going to stand on the truth of who you are and what you know and what you have done. And just like John said, let that give you peace tonight because the way that they're acting says something about them. It's not a reflection of you. This is hard, hard, hard, Ruth. Oh, it is. And I've been taking your advice. I'm exercising again.

I've even signed up for a half marathon. Atta girl, Ruth! Look at you, Ruth! That's awesome! And I've discovered this Grace grace for purpose on YouTube, and I listened to that a bunch, you know, and I'm trying to get back to that point. And it's helped a lot.

But then when someone throws a new thing at you, you go, okay. So I ate some cookies today. There you go. Hey, you know what? We all need some cookies every now and then. That's exactly right. Ruth, grieving the loss of our parents is hard. It's hard. It's not easy.

The path is hard and it's especially hard when people we love throw rocks at us along the way. And it shouldn't be that way and unfortunately it is. And it's time to grieve that loss and your brother and sister unfortunately and they no longer

get a vote. I'm proud of you. Oh, I'm so proud of you for stepping up and doing what I call the basics, right? Taking care of your body and your mind and entertaining optimistic choices about I'm going to discover a new purpose, right? That's awesome. That's so great.

And here's... We only have a few minutes left, so I won't just get on a soapbox. But if you are struggling in grief, if you lost someone that you care about, which there have been a lot of loss. It's 24 months. If you're feeling shame or guilt

over what you didn't say or did say or what I didn't do, don't take that on somebody else. Don't weaponize your grief and hurt somebody else because you're hurting. Yeah. Have the courage to say, I'm sad. How could you help someone identify that they're doing that?

Anytime somebody's thinking, most people probably don't realize they're doing it or are intentionally doing it. When you find yourself enraged or angry at somebody that you should otherwise love, that's a, that's a moment for you to step back and take a breath and ask this question. I got this from my good friend Jordan Bunch. He worked for me once.

I asked him once just as his supervisor, how are you always so moving through the world so lightly? He said, every time I have a problem, I first look in the mirror and say, Jordan, would you contribute to this? I have taken that with me forever. And sometimes I overdo it and I take on too much. But as somebody who is prone to blame and prone to point fingers, it's been an extraordinary

exercise for the last 10 or 15 years to look in the mirror and say, what am I contributing to this? So if you are leaning up against your brother or your sister and mom just died and you were enraged at why didn't they, you should have, look in the mirror and say, is it me that's

hurting here? And does it really matter? Because I miss my sister. So that's just an idea. Ruth, we're so

grateful for you. I want to thank James Childs and Kelly Daniel for running the show and keeping things rocking and rolling. Actually, Kelly's

not here. We've got Jenna in the booth. Jenna, thank you so much. Hey, we love being with you. We'll see you next time on The Ramsey Show. Hey, it's Kelly, associate producer and phone screener for The Ramsey Show. If you would like to do your debt-free scream live on the show, make sure you visit theramseyshow.com and register.

We would love for you to come to Nashville and tell Dave your story.