The Ramsey Show - App - My Son Has Substance Abuse Issues...How Do I Set Up My Will? (Hour 2)

Episode Date: September 14, 2021

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🎵 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions Broadcasting, from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is The Ramsey Show. It's where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life. We're talking real stories, real men and women, hopeful, practical steps forward to being and doing who you're supposed to be, what you're supposed to do, money, work, relationships. I'm Ken Coleman, joined by my colleague, Dr. John Deloney. We are together this hour taking your calls, 888-825-5225. So, Doc, let's set the table, shall we?

Set it. We can do a little Dr. John Deloney show. We'll talk about mental health, emotional health, marriage issues. We'll talk about, ooh, how about this one? Toxic workplace garbage. Oh, John and I love to team up on that. What's a toxic workplace, Ken? Those don't exist anywhere.

Don't exist at all. I don't know what you're talking about. Not at all. I don't know what you're talking about. Not at all. Crappy leaders that are making you consider changing your entire career lane. Is that necessary? The emotional junk at work. John and I love to team up on that because that's his area in the area of mental and emotional health. I'm over here in the area of purpose and doing what you were created to do. Of course, we'll take your money questions, relationship questions. Here's one. Been getting a lot of traffic, James, the producer's telling me.

People asking questions. Hey, Ken, my company is going to mandate the vaccine for various reasons. I don't want to do it. That means I might lose my job. I'm expecting to lose my job. What do I do? I'm getting that call regularly on the Ken Coleman Show. Does that come to you on the Dr. John Dillon Show? So John and I can help you with that because that's not a work-career question. There's all kinds of stuff there. There's the emotional, the mental duress, the financial decisions you got to make. This is a tough choice that's being brought your way. So we'll take those questions. Here's what we're not going to do. We're going to get into a political argument over it. We're going to help you navigate the future, the steps ahead.

So we're opening it up. It's about you. We're here for you. 888-825-5225. Let's start it off with Tyler, who joins us now in Salt Lake City, Utah. Tyler, how can we help? Hey, John. Hey, Ken. Thanks, how can we help? Hey, John. Hey, Ken.

Thanks so much for taking my question. You bet. What's up? So I'm 22 years old, and I'm working full-time right now and then doing school online. And I'm at the point in school where I should really be deciding and locking in on a career or a focus on what I'm setting and going into. But at this point in time, I'm really not sure. I can't really navigate which path I like to go down or what career I like to go into. So my question is, how should I go about deciding that?

And then how much should I really allow money to influence that decision of how much I'll be making in that career? Yeah, so money matters. Let me just start with that. But I would never let the amount of money that I could make be the ultimate decision maker. Is it a part of the decision? Yes, but not the ultimate decision maker. And I'll start with this, Tyler. I can't tell you how many phone calls I've taken on the Ken Coleman show, here on the Ram, yes, but not the ultimate decision maker. And I'll start with this, Tyler. I can't tell you how many phone calls I've taken on the Ken Coleman show here on the Ramsey show where

somebody has taken a promotion because it was a lot of money and it was a big bump. And then they got over there and they realized, man, I'm miserable. And that happens all the time. The data that's out there on Wall Street millionaires that are really good at their job and making a killing and they're miserable. And as a result, they're moving into depression. They're moving into addiction, all kinds of things. I'm going to tell you something. You've got to love the work, or at some point, if you don't love your day job, you better have a side job or a hobby that's very, very meaningful to you.

You've got to have some purpose in what you're contributing. So I would consider what your options are from a pay standpoint, but never let it be the deciding factor. So let's get practical. You're in school. You're in a major. I'm guessing you have a couple of ideas as it relates to paths that you're considering. What are those? Give me the ones that are the most exciting to you right now, you spend the most time thinking about? Well, something in the business

realm, whether that's starting a company or my girlfriend's father's an accountant, so something around that area. It doesn't sound super exciting, but something that I potentially might be going into. But like I said, I'm still kind of trying to decipher. I get it, but Tyler, I've got to ask you. Why did you go into school? What was something that you thought, you know what, this could be exciting work? Has there ever been a point where you said, you know what, as I look to my future and I wonder a little bit, what did you wonder about?

What have you wondered about? Well, I was originally going into school for psychology to be, I wanted to be a counselor, like a therapist. Why? Because I do love to help people and I'm pretty good at listening and I'm trying to give them good advice or help them understand their situation better. Have you moved on from that? I think I only did because the school down the road kind of, the extra school kind of threw me off. Yeah, but hold on a second. Let's pause that. What was the driving reason behind your interest in psychology and helping people,

specifically the problems that people have that draw you in, that led you that direction? Anything from your personal journey or observation experience? Yeah, I would say probably experience. Are you comfortable sharing that? Yeah. So I actually, my mom had me see a counselor growing up, um, just with family matters with, um, uh, siblings and family in and out of different, um, treatment centers and everything. Um, and I think just having as a child growing up, having someone to talk to and, um, not only to listen to you, but,

uh, you know, help you navigate, um, through, you know, whatever craziness you're going through. Yeah. You had somebody in that role that still means a lot to you. Yeah, definitely. So let me oversimplify this. If I could fast forward the schooling necessary to be a professional licensed counselor, I want John to jump in here. That's his training. But if I could fast forward that process, money, time,

you didn't have to go into debt to do it. How high up the ladder would that be as your choice? Would you even be calling me right now? Yeah, definitely not. You wouldn't be calling me? No. Why? Because I think that ending destination point is, you know, ultimately where I want to be. And I think it's the journey, the long journey together is kind of what... All right, so I want to turn it over to my colleague who knows a little something about the journey. And, John, you can steer him there. It's not as long and not as expensive as he thinks. How old are you, man?

I'm 22. So here's the question you have to ask yourself. When I'm 27, what you're going to be? Do you want to be 27 and working for your father-in-law as a miserable accountant? Or do you want to be a licensed counselor? Because you're going to be 27 either way. And you're either going to take a journey. Here's what you have to do.

You have to choose your heart. Do you want to choose a challenging, and I hope it is rigorous and challenging. I want counselors that are well-trained. It's going to be challenging. It's going to be hard. your hard do you want to choose a challenging and i hope it is rigorous and challenging i want counselors that are well trained it's going to be challenging it's going to be hard it's going to push you and you're going to accomplish it and you're going to achieve it because you love it or do you want the hard of working for your father-in-law moving spreadsheets around and watching your soul be sucked out of your chest into the spreadsheet you're looking at. Go to school for what you want to do and go help a whole community of people get better. We need you, man. Tyler, you said if you knew you

could do it quickly and easily, you wouldn't even have called us. Go do what your heart is pounding for you to do and hang on the line. Kelly, let's give him a copy of Debt Free Degree. Let's give him some resources to show him how he can get that counseling degree. Do it! He can cash flow without debt and help people that are hurting. Love you, Tyler. This is the Ramsey Show. People always say, when I get this promotion, I'll be able to make a real impact. Wrong! When you make a solid plan on how you need to grow, you can become the leader you want to be. And that's why Ken Coleman, America's career coach and national best-selling author, wrote his new book, From Paycheck to Purpose, The Clear Path to Doing Work

You Love. And it's available for pre-order right now. If you want to grow or create a legacy in your career, you need this book. It's not just a concept. It's a proven, clear path that will walk anyone in any industry through a step-by-step plan to take their career to the next level. Plus, if you pre-order From Paycheck to Purpose today, you'll receive our Get Promoted bonus pack for free, which includes the audiobook, e-book, disc assessment, an exclusive talk from Ken, and access to our live event and more. Pre-order from paycheck to purpose at Ramsey Show America. Thrilled to have you with us.

I'm Ken Coleman, joined by my colleague, Dr. John Deloney. We're taking your calls about money. We're taking your calls about your work. Hey, you want to make more money? You want to move? John, this is very interesting. I'll share this a little bit later. I'll tell you what. I'll tease this. James, I'm going to pull it up

and then the corners are awake. Coming up, I'm going to give you some new data about how many Americans, this is going to blow your mind, are actually considering changing jobs. It's a striking number. I'll just tease that and leave it alone and we'll get to that. It's fascinating. We're going to talk about it.

On the back end of that, there's some really important psychology on the back of it yeah i want to talk about let's talk let's get into that that'll be that'll be good i'm really excited to get your take on it i mean because here's what i can tell you the pandemic has led to all of this it's it i can't wait for you to see the numbers the snow globe well the numbers have expanded dramatically from where they've been for probably the better part of a decade so we'll get to that cool uh that's going to be a fun conversation. So we'll take your calls. 888-825-5225.

Hey, you got some relationship stuff, some mental, emotional health. I mean, how many out there have just been burning it at both ends and you feel like you got nothing left in the tank? Or you feel like you and your spouse are great co-managers. Ooh, I like this one. But the spark has left the building. How about the co-worker that has got you to the point where you feel like you can't come back into the office,

stealing your joy? That's how I feel when you're with me. That's right. So John and I are going to actually talk about it together. That's also going to be a great segment. We're going to have a relational debrief here. We'll take those calls. So we'd be thrilled to talk with you.

888-825-5225. Let's go to Drew now in Monterey, California. Drew, you're on the Ken Coleman. Excuse me. Geez, there's a Freudian slip. I've done that before. Have you done that yet? It's not Freudian.

It's not Freudian? What is that slip? Just your habit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on the Ramsey Show. There you go. It's the actual show we're on today. Drew, how can I help?

How are you guys doing? We're doing good. What's up? I'm just wondering how I should determine how much I should take a position for. There's a $20,000 gap, just say like 50 to 70 a year or 60 to 80. I'm just trying to determine how much I should ask for. Well, give me a little, okay, so I heard the 50 to 70 and the 60 to 80. Help me out a little bit more. Have you actually been offered the position? Well, it's just a few positions. I'm trying to figure out which one I'm going to take, but my dilemma is just taking a number, I guess, when they really ask.

Something that's going to benefit me because it's a 20-minute drive, and I work in agriculture, so there's usually overtime and long days. So I'm just trying to wonder how much. I'm fairly young. I'm out of college. Okay. And one more quick question, and I'm going to give wonder how much. Okay, so. I'm fairly young. I'm out of college, so. Okay, and one more quick question, and I'm going to give you something to think through. Are all of these positions that you're applying for, are you actively applying, or are you just considering? Have some of these been offered?

What's the status that you're looking at? Actively applying, and I have two offers right now. Okay, so let's talk in terms of the two offers. Are both of those two offers, are they a very similar position? Yeah. Okay, great. Have you done your homework, it sounds like you have, on the range of salary for somebody of your experience in those jobs?

Yeah, I have. It's kind of tough because some people get paid that with no experience. I mean, no education, just experience. Right. And you've got some education. Yeah. I want to say it's somewhere in between, but... Okay. So let's just... Give me the number that it's in between. Give me a range. Okay. 50 to 70. So I'm thinking like I would really like to get 65 knowing it's like I'm going to have to do some overtime. Got it.

Okay, so here's how we simplify this. If your goal is 65, you'd be really happy with 65. So what we look at is we go... Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. Well, if we're going to be really pleased with 65 and you would be happy with 65, yes? I mean, I'd really be happy with 80 i mean the more money the better yeah drew we got a deal in reality young man okay you're really really young so let me put this a different way if the range is 50 to 70 and you're straight

out of college with very little experience you need to be realistic i have yeah yeah i have four years though four years i'm sorry, I'm sorry, too. I left some stuff out. The position requires a couple things I don't have, like Spanish, and really, that's it. Okay, well, hold on a second, brother. If it requires Spanish and you don't have it, how are we going to get the gig? How have they offered it to you? Well, I usually have no problem communicating with people who speak Spanish.

I know a little bit of Spanish. I'm not fluent. Okay. Drew, I wouldn't hire you, just so you know. You'd come ask for money, and I would say... Yeah, I'm so confused as to how you got offered the job when they're requiring Spanish. So let's just start it. Here's the general advice for anybody who is looking at a range of salary.

Let's just keep it simple. All right. When there's a range, 50 to 70, and I love this as a real-life example, you've got to look at the data out there that shows what the average is for somebody of your experience. You said four years, I believe. So you want to look at that, and let's just say that that's in the 58 to 60 range. I think you could go a little bit above that in the asking, but I wouldn't go much.

Because I think if you do that, you're running the risk of missing a really good opportunity. And when you're young, and it sounds like he is, I didn't get into the family responsibilities, but I'm looking at the number that for me is bottom basement where I'm going to feel yucky if I'm being realistic. There's the big asterisk, John. Got to be realistic. I'm young. I'm four years into the world. Okay.

But I've got this number where I go, that's going to feel bad. So I'm not going to do that. But I'm also not going to give them this high number. So whatever that number is, you got to decide decide on, this is my walk-away number. And then you can go a little bit above that. Don't go to the high range. Because if you're looking at the range, 50 to 70, and you've looked up and the evidence says it's about 58 is what people are making, don't ask for 65. Right.

I'm okay with 60. Well, and some of those ranges are a range. That's the whole point. Yeah. John, I love the law of averages. There's something there. Well, and my tendency is I see 50 to 70,

and I think, you know what I am, Ken? I'm a snowflake. I probably deserve 75. That's what he said, basically. And then I spend it in my head. Yeah. And then they come in

and offer me 56, which is a stretch for them. Yeah. And I feel like you're ripping me off. Right. And by the way, the 56 is right in line.

Yeah. So you've got, here's the point, do your homework on what the real averages are for somebody that has your level of experience. And what about the other side where you've got to know how much money you need to bring in as well? Well, there's no question. That's what I'm saying. The first thing we do before we ever do. Can I take this job? Before we ever do our range research, we basically say, this is the bottom level.

So for you and I, we've got a wife and kids. You and I have got a number. We're going, no matter what we're doing, this is the number I've got to make. And so we start there. And so a young man like this who wants to go into this kind of field and he's got all these different options, you don't have to take your first option either. But don't price yourself out. Now, what's interesting, John, about this particular job market, and I know you've read

this, but we are in a place where we've got 10.4 million jobs available. Now, that's the whole gamut, but not all of those are great jobs. Let's put the asterisk out on that. 8.3 million people unemployed. The federal unemployment insurance benefit ran out in the 26 remaining states that were offering it on Labor Day. So we will see where we are in another month with the jobs report. But there is still a white hot opportunity in a lot of places where companies are offering college tuition, part, full-time, signing bonuses. So the point is doing your research and seeing the range of what's available, but then not overselling.

Don't overshoot what could be a massive opportunity to get in. Especially for $3,000. Or especially, and man, I don't mean to ruffle feathers, but kind of, I do, especially for your ego. If you've been working for four years and you have your degree

and you look at somebody and say, I've got to even have a degree. I should be making way more. That's ego. That's ego. That's right. You don't know how they're connected, what kind of skill set, et cetera, et cetera. So, yeah, get in there, get your job, man, and then work real hard and be really fun and encouraging to be around.

And you're not going to have to worry about money for very long. Yeah, that's absolutely right. You know, there's this something about youth, and it's awesome. Yeah. The expectancy. You've got to be careful. That expectancy doesn't turn. We had a job where it requires Spanish.

I can do that. I'm good. I can communicate. Do you know Spanish? Are you fluent? No, but I'm able to communicate with colored pencils and paper. What? I don't know.

I don't know. Interesting stuff. All right, folks. Don't go anywhere. He is Dr. John Delaney. I'm Ken Coleman. This is The Ramsey Show. I'm Ken Coleman, joined by my colleague, Dr. John Deloney.

We're taking your calls this hour, 888-825-5225. How many times in the past year have you heard someone say, I just wish things would get back to normal. But what was normal like for you? Were you worried about money? Too much to do, not enough time to do it? You shouldn't have to go back to that when there's so much better ahead. But in order to do that, you need the right game plan.

So we want you to join us for Game Plan Live. This is our free live stream on Tuesday, September the 28th. Dave Ramsey, Christy Wright, and George Campbell will be laying out the clear plan to make all of your money goals happen. Like how to find a vision that gets you excited. How to set healthy boundaries that keep you focused. You can have the abundant, balanced, debt-free life you want, and it all

starts at Game Plan Live. To register for this free live stream event, text the word GAMEPLAN to 33 789. That's GAMEPLAN, all the word GAMEPLAN to 33789. That's GAMEPLAN, all one word. Text that word GAMEPLAN to 33789. 888-825-5225.

John, I want to take a quick snapshot of where we sit right now. We're obviously in a very interesting time uh in in the american workplace and quick context we spend the average american does 90 000 hours at work in our lifetime so if you take sleep and work that's basically it you got a little bit of time to squeeze in the family right and sporting And sporting events and all the things, the hobbies, the music, and all the things. It's amazing. And so there's a recent story here on CNBC. I talked about this yesterday on the Ken Coleman Show.

They're calling, the economists are calling this year of 2021 the Great Resignation. What do they mean by that? The amount of people that are considering and actually leaving their positions. To go do something else? To go do something else. Here's the back story. I'm just going to hit a couple of things here, and then I want to dive in a couple of questions here. Moneypenny did this report.

They found that a whopping 93% of Americans said they aren't currently pursuing a dream career. The American dream. Fascinating. There's a lot there very interesting stat then uh 60 percent of people are rethinking their career um one in three are actually considering leaving their job so you got job then people leaving totally different career paths um and the statement made about the study is there's a crisis of identity. And listen to this, one last piece of data. As many as 95% of workers would consider the job change,

and 92% are willing to switch industries. So there's all this willingness, considering all these different numbers coming out. Bottom line is, you and I were talking about this during the break. I'm the guy that's always preaching purpose. You were created to fill a unique role in your work. You were needed. You must do it. But a role speaks to, it could be multiple jobs, multiple career paths,

as long as you're using your talent to do work you love, passion, to produce results that there's some deep meaning in the results when i hear these stats um i wonder how much of this is poor leadership one-on-one relationship with a leader and somebody just awful leadership that you and i know there's a massive leadership crisis um i wonder how much of this is overall cultures that have been affected by the pandemic changes there's some leadership implications there as well i wonder how much of this is overall cultures that have been affected by the pandemic changes. There's some leadership implications there as well. I wonder how much of this is, you know what? I saw a lot of people die.

I saw massive change in my own life. And I now want to embrace the rest of the change that I was previously unwilling to change because I see how precious life is. I see how much it really matters to me to do something I love. I mean, there's a lot there. I'm trying to give you the cornucopia of what I think is going on. And then when you look at depression, you look at anxiety, you look at any number of psychiatric disorders, and one of the cornerstones of your body starting to take on some of these things

is a lack of control. And I think there's been a pervasive, rightly or wrongly, that's a whole other show, a pervasive sense of, oh, I just thought that things were going to be okay. I thought there was somebody driving. I thought that my doctors would all have the same answers. I that my doctors would all have the same answers. I thought my churches would all have the same answers. I didn't realize my workplace would just, oh, you're just going to send me home? Oh, I'm on the cut list?

And I think you're watching the country in mass open your eyes and say, I have to be, the same as Dave's been teaching for years, you have to be responsible for your money. You've got to know where it's going. I think people are starting to say, oh, I have a role to play in what my day-to-day is going to look like, what my family life is going to look like, where I'm going to live, what my work is going to be. I'm not just going to blindly accept a job, what my health is going to be.

I'm getting more questions about relationships and what should I be eating and what's exercise. Just these basic things that we just put on autopilot for the last hundred years. And people are saying, well, I've got to take an ownership role in this. And this idea that you just got to be in your job for the rest of your

life. Cause I just do marketing. That's just what I do. Now people are saying, I'll do it. I'll do something else where I've got some more autonomy and control and peace. And then I feel like I'm contributing.

Yeah. I want to know what you think about this. I've been, I spent a lot of time thinking about this and I think the American dream somewhere along the line, whatever that is, right. But it's really not the American dream. It's the human dream. But I think in modern times, John, I feel like the human dream, the American dream, I think it's been taken hostage and it's turned into a pursuit of stuff and status. And I think what the pandemic helped usher in is nothing new. That people in mass are going, huh, it's not about stuff.

I was working for stuff and maybe some status. I kind of now want to work for significance, what matters to me. So if it is working from home, because I get to see my kids more than I've ever seen them. You know what I mean? Whatever the circumstance, I think that's the shift. I think it's significance. What matters to me? Yeah, that phrase, pursuit of happiness, as though it's out there and I just got to go get it.

Versus I'm going to decide to be present and whole wherever I am, and then that car is not going to complete me. That job title isn't going to make me go, after years of trauma and heartbreak, now I'm good because I'm an assistant vice president. That's not how that works. The golf club membership isn't it? I think it's about contribution. Well, I don't think i know yeah it's interesting that you bring up thomas jefferson's words the pursuit of happiness that we kind of all said in the fourth grade or whatever grade you remember saying it in the declaration of independence but he was interested he was really influenced by john

lock one of the great thinkers of all time i'm not going to nerd out and lose all the audience but i would ask you to go look into some of those folks from the Enlightenment and how they really shaped Jefferson's words. And you touched on it. The pursuit of happiness wasn't about stuff and status. It was about what mattered to you. What was your contribution? That's why I wrote the new book, From Paycheck to Purpose. We're talking about stop thinking about all of your worth and all of your success tied to your paycheck.

I mean, we need a paycheck. We need provision. No one's dishonoring work here at Ramsey Solutions. We believe in it. Absolutely. Okay. What I am saying is I think that's one of the big shifts. I think people have been forced to confront life and the reality of their contribution and what matters most.

Your thoughts on that? Yeah, 100%. And I think the amount of collective trauma we've experienced over the last 18, 24 months, the collective confusion, the collective disorientation. Yeah. I always go back to neuroscience and, man, we've got some very primitive responses, which is we're going to fight it and we're going to scream and we're going to yell and we're going to like throw stuff at each other. And then we're going to run. The great resignation.

The great resignation. I think that I'm going to be better over here than I am right here. And some of that's true. Some of that is toxic. You've been putting up with toxic environments crappy leaders for years the other side of is i always want people to slow down for a second because man i've said this on this show a number of times wherever you go you go with you yeah and if you're not well if you're not whole if you don't have good relationships if you don't have purpose in what you're doing every day internally you're

just going to get that fancy new job and that fancy new town and that new house, and you're going to look in the mirror. That's exactly right. Listen to what he's saying, folks. Don't jump. Make sure you know what you're leaning towards. Folks, my brand-new book, From Paycheck to Purpose, The Seven Stages, that will lead you to work you love, work that you were created to do.

It's available for pre-order at RamseySolutions.com. We've got all kinds of goodies to pre-order it now. I'm telling you, you've got to be clear before you make any kind of major move like this. Dr. John Loney is absolutely right. All right. Good stuff, Doc. Coming up, more of your questions. Phone lines are lighting up.

888-825-5225. This is the Ramsey Show continues from our Ramsey Solutions Worldwide Headquarters. I'm Ken Coleman, joined by my colleague, Dr. John Deloney. The phone number to jump in on the conversation today is 888-825-5225. Taking your questions about life, every area you got a question, we're going to do our best to help you out. John joins us now in Tucson, Arizona. John, you're on The Ramsey Show. How can we help?

Hi. Thanks for taking our call. You bet. Hi, thanks for taking our call. We wanted to ask how can we be fair with our three children in regard to their inheritance in the future and yet safeguard our one son against being irresponsible and spending his portion all at once? Or don't we treat them all the same? We don't want his inheritance to be a curse. Talk about the issues that this son's dealing with. What are we worried about? Don't we treat them all the same? We don't want his inheritance to be a curse. Talk about the issues that this son's dealing with.

What are we worried about? He has a history of substance abuse, and he is very irresponsible with money. He's constantly refinancing his very old car so he can have more money to spend. He doesn't pay his rent. His landlord lets him coast, that kind of stuff. What have your conversations been like with him? Not very pointed because he gets all depressed. What happens when he gets depressed?

It's a poor me. I'll never get better. I'll never amount to anything. I'm worthless. Yeah, he just shuts down. Is that a tactic or is he's got some diagnosable mental illness? He's got some challenges he's worked with through his whole life.

Yeah, he has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He doesn't take his meds. Okay. So I've worked with folks who are prepping wills and having these broader conversations. Dave has actually made this will. And so what I've seen folks, where, hey, here's my fortune that's going to go to my kids in this way,

and here's my stipulations for it. What I would tell you is, is you and, do you have a spouse too? Yeah, she's sitting right here. Okay. I think backing out of the whole this particular issue because what you're going to do is you're going to try to reverse engineer it and not make it um what you believe is not a poor choice on this one part of your will and i want you to take a much

bigger picture view of it first and that is going to to be, what do we want? How do we want to steward the money that we have, the money that we've steward? What do we want it to look like when we're gone? And we want to bless our kids with homes. Do we want to bless our kids with fortune? Do we want to give it away to charity? What are we going to do with that? I want you and your wife to have that conversation. It's a values conversation. Then the second part of it is who's going to be the executor. And if you have one child that you're going to call and say, wife to have that conversation. It's a values conversation. Then the second part of it is, who's going to be the executor? And if you have one child that you're going to call and say, this isn't a call, this is an in-person conversation. Here's what this looks like.

I'm going to walk you through my will, but it's a very detailed conversation. We are asking you to do this. And then I think the third thing is not avoiding hard conversations and not avoiding stipulations that you want to put on these hard conversations because it's your money. And so if it is going to go into a trust and you're going to give one of your children or two of your children guardianship of that trust and they're going to dole out X number of dollars a year if everybody is healthy, if everybody's continuing to invest in their relationships and their health, whatever you want it to look like. If people aren't using drugs, if they're not addicts, if you're not going to enable them and whatever you want to do with that money. But it's setting it up in the trust.

And the key here is you are open and honest with all of your kids because what you don't want to do is dump this on your executor and let them have the hard conversations and deal with the relational ramifications of letting your wishes come true and that younger sibling is going to hate them and so it would be a hard conversation that you'll need to have and that's just part of this. You're the parent here. I would also say this. The tendency is to wring your hands and try to control things from the grave, if you will. At some point, you set up a trust. You set up the values. You have an executor

and you say, here's our wishes for this money. Then you have to open your hands and be at peace. If you set things up in a way that's going to... At the end of the day, you might not be able to open your hands and be at peace, right? And if you set things up in a way that's going to – at the end of the day, you might not be able to protect your son as much as you think you're trying to, right? Yeah. How much money are we talking about here?

Well, it's probably $300,000 for each. For each. Okay. Yeah, that's a substantial sum of money, right for each. For each. Okay. Yeah, that's a substantial sum of money, right? It is. Yeah. We want to be good stewards. I think I heard Dave say one time, do your giving when you're living so you're knowing where it's going?

There you go. Well, John, you know, Dave has said this multiple times, and John just laid it out for you, but I'll just reiterate very quickly. You've got to lay out the morality clauses, the stuff that you're saying, son, in order for you to have access to this 300K. This is what your life has got to be like. You can't have this, this, and this. And it's very possible that he straightens up, right, and meets those conditions long after you're gone and gets it, but then could fall backwards. And, you know, at some point, I really love what Doc told you. You've got to have peace. But I would just set it out there, lay it very clearly out there.

He's going to have an opportunity to respond, but it is what it is. It's set in stone. It's done. And then you've got to let it go. Everybody's got a different approach to this conversation. The end result is you don't want your money to be used to hurt people, especially those that you love. And if you hand an addict $300,000,

the chances that could go sideways are great. I love an in-person conversation way upstream, which might be, I want to see two years of you taking your medication, and I want to see two years of you going to counseling. In fact, we're going to start helping with some of that right now. And that is going to inform how we do our will. Great. I love that too. That's different than, if you ever use drugs,

you're out of here. I want to demonstrate, and there's that conversation too, but I want to invest in the wellness. I think it's both and. Absolutely. Here's what we're going to do. Long term, but I've got this in place for your brother and sister too. We're having a conversation with everybody. That's right.

So I'm with you there. But, yeah, set up a trust, and you get to set up the details of the trust and then get the executive that you can lean on. And if you don't want to use one of your kids, get a family member or an attorney, somebody that you trust, no pun intended, and just make sure everybody's on the same page. Don't have hidden surprises once you pass away. But thanks for being intentional with your money. Yeah, thanks for the call, too. You're a good man. Way to money. Yeah, thanks for the call, too. Good man.

Way to go. John, this is so heavy. I shouldn't even ask it, but I know you can handle the short version of it. It's really, really difficult for a parent who's worried about a child's future behavior, current behavior, whatever. He gets to the point where you've done everything. What's the biggest impediment to peace? Outside of, again, the spiritual conversation, what's the biggest emotional hurdle to truly

letting go and going, I've done everything I can do, the kid's going to have to stand up and fly right? One is guilt. Like you did something wrong. I should have done this one conversation that one time a little bit different. Or that kid's got my genetics, and so it's my fault. Whatever the line is. I should have put him in a different school if I had just worked less or worked more.

And so there's always trying to go back and edit that sentence that's got a period at the end of it. The other side of it is you love that kid, and nobody wants to see their kid hurt. No. Or stand by and watch it. Oh, man. And as a parent, we want to lean in and fight the fights for them. We want to take those blows for them. I want to run the races for them.

I want to do their math homework for them because I don't want them to have to feel that. And at the same time, that's the only way to growth. That's the only way that they can learn the skills that they're going to need to navigate this mess of a world so bottom line is there's guilt and then there's just a parental i love it's just love you'd rather die a million deaths than watch your kid hurt that's right it is and they didn't tell us that no when they sent us home from the hospital i know the nurse didn't give me the manual. They said, good luck with this. It's a cute kid you got there. Good luck.

It's so, so hard. But it may be the best thing for them. And at that point it's like, I just know their parents that are listening right now and they feel like their wit's in. And what I see some parents do is they take their hands off the wheel and they say, best of luck to you. And then some hold that wheel so tight. Too tight. And that nobody can breathe.

What's the analogy for the middle ground there? Find find some people that you love man and you can say this is hard and you can weep together that's good i mean just get up don't stop loving great stuff he is dr john deloney i'm ken coleman i want to say a big thanks to our producer james child our associate producer kelly daniel and you america. Thank you for listening. This is your show. It is The Ramsey Show. Did you know you can listen to The Ramsey Show on your smart speaker? Just tell Alexa, Google Assistant, or Siri to play The Ramsey Show podcast. Check out all Ramsey Network shows on your smart speaker today.