The Ramsey Show - App - My Wife Is Spending Faster Than We Can Save! (Hour 3)

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

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Thank you very much. Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is The Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money. I'm John Deloney, joined here by best-selling author, brilliant and often kind co-worker, Rachel Cruz. How are you?

Doing great, John. Good to be back with you. And also with you. Thank you very much. And we've got a packed studio house. It's good to see everybody here in Nashville. Yes. Here in Franklin. How are we doing?

I think they're probably waiting on the big guy. Oh, on Dave? I appreciate you not calling me the big guy. Okay. No, you're not. I went jogging this morning, so I will not. No, I didn't mean it like that. I know what you meant, Rachel.

I'm trying. I'm trying. Jeez, Louise. But you're doing well? Yeah, doing great. I'm excited about tomorrow night. Yes. So let's talk about it.

I know. We have an event, our money and marriage events. We did one on Valentine's night this year. It was the biggest event in Ramsey history. On the live stream and the one that people stayed the longest amount of any live stream. I was like, because we're fun. I think they were thinking

this is a train wreck that just keeps happening and we want to watch all of it. We want to see the last flame burns out. Maybe so. Maybe so. But we're trying it again this Friday night. So if you don't have plans, it's $30. You can go to

ramsaysolutions.com slash marriage to get more information. But it's going to start at 730 East Central Time. Central. Yes. And it's all new stuff.

Yeah. We changed all the content. So it's all new stuff. And we're talking about money. We're talking. Here's the thing. We started looking at pain points and listening to what our callers

on our shows are talking about. So we're going to talk about stuff we haven't talked about before. Like's the thing. We started looking at pain points and listening to what our callers on our shows are talking about. So we're going to talk about stuff we haven't talked about before. Like what your money means. We're going to talk about sex. We're going to talk about intimacy. We're going to talk about stuff that's affecting real couples

in real time right now. That's right. Because you know this and we say it all the time, but it's just true. You know, so many money problems we talk to with couples. Like, well, we can't budget together.

I don't want to combine our accounts. Like you hear these problems and it's never that problem. Right. It's usually deeper issues going on. So we're going to kind of go three layers deep, pull back some of the layers, and get into the good stuff. Yeah. And we're going to have some fun, fun, fun.

Yeah, it's great. Special guests. We're going to have all kinds of cool stuff. So, RamseySolutions.com slash marriage. Gentlemen, if you are listening to this, this is a $30 way to win. $30. You can say, honey,

I love you and we're not going to watch Netflix. We're going to work on our marriage. And you win. Right? $30, man. $15 a piece. That's cheaper than a movie, right?

I don't know how much a movie costs. I was going to say, I haven't been to a movie. Man, I do miss movies. Do you? Kind of, yeah. Going to a theater, the whole experience.

I really miss that. My daughter went for the first time the other day. This will be fun, though. Yes, I'm excited. Do you? Kind of, yeah. Going to a theater, the whole experience. I really miss that. My daughter went for the first time the other day. This will be fun, though. Yes, I'm excited. All right, let's go to James in Illinois. James, what's going on, man? How are you guys? Remarkable, brother.

How are you? I'm good. I'm good. So what's up, man? How can we help? So me and my fiance will be getting married this year and she will be starting graduate school for counseling. And I was just curious how or what your guys' advice would be for supporting someone while they're in graduate school, mentally, emotionally,

but also still prioritizing a new marriage. That's a great question. When do you guys get married? In May. In May. She'll be starting graduate school in August. Okay. So, yeah. So, you'll have about six months or so.

This is exciting. I was trying to think. I was like, what's the month? Yeah, it's July. Rachel's a great counter. Hey, this is what's going to be so fun for y'all. As you're working through your engagement, she's going to be taking marriage and family therapy courses,

and you are going to be her guinea pig number one. So me and my wife did this. What do you do for a living, man? I'm a PE teacher. A PE teacher. Very cool. Are you going back to grad school this year? Are you just going to teach, have fun, and look forward to your new marriage?

Second one. Okay. So I was lucky, Rachel and James, I was lucky when I was doing grad school, my wife was doing grad school. And so it does take a lot of evening time, especially in counseling classes are usually in the evenings from six to 9 PM. And you got to write papers and you got to read. And so what I strongly recommend y'all do is make a budget for your time. Talk about what the week looks like, what assignments are coming up, what reading things are going to look like, and make sure that when y'all, that y'all do set up time for each other and you've got to be really clear and she should know this, but she's not going to look like and make sure that when y'all, that y'all do set up time for each other and you've got to be really clear and she should know this, but she's not going to.

You got to be really clear. The counseling stuff that she's learning stays at school. It does not come home. You are not a guinea pig. You are not her first and only client. You are her fiance soon to be her husband. And so make sure you guys set up some time for one another. And you are going to have to work really hard to A, not get your feelings hurt because this is a short term. This is a couple of years that she's investing into both of y'all's future. But you're going to feel neglected. That's just part of this. You're going to say, oh, why can't you go hang out? You got to read another dumb book and blah, blah, blah. You're going to have to find some hobbies. You're going to have to do some stuff that's going to keep you busy and occupied.

Maybe, I don't know, help around the house. Maybe pick up more than, quote, unquote, your share of the domestic stuff. But y'all got to make sure you're doing this together. You're going to have to find some stuff that are going to keep you busy and keep your heart plugged in and then be really intentional about setting up time to be with be with each other right that's just y'all's time yeah i mean i think i think setting the expectation of time is just huge know her schedule and just know okay this is this is you know i feel like that when things go unchecked there are people in especially in a relationship you have

expectations but they're not talked about they're not communicated you don't see it on paper right you miss each other so as long as you know the schedule what's going on and you know it's a commitment on the front end and so i think that that's great and then yeah i think what you said about leaving the school stuff at school like my husband and i we work in the same place and so it's in our my family right so like it's so easy when you get together to talk business or to talk work and you know just like parents i feel like we can talk about our kids all the time right so like i think there's certain subjects you have to be intentional with to say you know we're actually going to have other conversation besides the obvious subjects and for you guys the obvious subject will probably be her her schoolwork right

and considering it isn't counseling to be like oh okay but tell me this though she could learn a lot of useful things it'd be great wouldn't it though to be like, oh my gosh, okay, I'm learning this and this and that's interesting and that's a helpful thing. So James, if she comes home and says, hey, I learned

these five new questions. Let's ask these of each other. That's fantastic. Okay. When she comes home and says, I think you have

borderline personality disorder, the next week she's going to come home and say, I'm pretty sure you're schizophrenic and then the next week it's going to be,

right? So that's when you've got to have some language for one another. And I think this is for every couple, not just somebody who's marrying somebody who's getting a degree in counseling, but specifically in counseling. My wife does a lot of coaching, professional women, especially. I, for years, have spent time behind closed doors with folks. And I come home, she can feel it on me,

but she also knows there's ethical issues. I can't tell her what I talked about with somebody. Right, right. And I don't ask her who her clients are.

So James, y'all are going to need to come up with a language that you've got permission to tell her, hey, you look like you've got some heavy stuff on your heart

without you prying for details, right? And I think that's you and Winston. Right. If you go home every day, Rachel, and you unload on Winston, every person in the office who is mean to you today or who you thought was mean, nobody's mean to Rachel, by the way, but she always is feeling it. Right.

But Winston, if he's a good husband, he's going to come up here tomorrow ready to try. Get ready. And so there's got to be some sort of, hey, I had a hard day. He knows not to ask. You're not going to divulge. But you can just be with each other in those hard moments, right? I think that's great. Hey, so if you want to, we're going to talk marriage today.

888-825-5225. Talk about relationships, getting married, all of that stuff. I'm John Deloney, joined by Rachel Cruz. And we are looking forward to seeing you today and tomorrow night for the event right here on The Ramsey Show. You've got a lot on your plate. A job, your home, your marriage,

and your growing family. While you're enjoying the present, you can't help but think about your future and your finances. As you explore your options, consider Christian Healthcare Ministries, or CHM, for your health care. Their generous maternity program and budget-friendly monthly programs have been a blessing to members welcoming children into their families. Visit chministries.org slash budget to see if it's right for you. That's chministries.org slash budget.

This is The Ramsey Show. I'm John Deloney, joined by bestselling author Rachel Cruz, and we're taking your calls on life and money. And today we're specifically focusing on your marriage. We'll take any of your calls, 888-825-5225. And tomorrow night, live stream event. We're going to be in your living rooms. Me and Rachel Cruz, money and marriage event, all new stuff. It's going to be a blast.

Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash marriage to learn more. Join us. It's going to be a hoot. All right, let's go to... What does that even mean? I don't know. It's going to be a hoot. I just thought, really, John? Those are...

Out of all the words you could use to describe our great money in marriage event, a hoot. It's going to be neat, kids. That's what you decided on. It's going to be an event for 75 and up. It's going to be exciting. It's going to be a hoot.

What an idiot. Hunky-dory and hoot. That all kind of goes together for me. My grandmother's shaking her head now. All right, let's go to Brandon out in Phoenix. What's up, brother Brandon? How we doing? Good.

How are you guys doing? Outstanding. What's up, man? How can we help? So I've been having problems with I'm more of a spender. I'm sorry. I'm more of a saver and paying off debt. Whereas my wife is more of a spender. Um, soon as it comes in an account, goes away. If I try to pay off debt, it builds back up because she just, she just spends the money that I already pay off. I'm just trying to figure out how can I fight this to keep that from happening.

It's a great question, Brandon. I'll just say a couple things from what you just said. Just to point out, it felt like a lot of she me separate pages and then your last question even what can i do what how can i fight this how can i fight my wife no i know what you mean brand i know what you mean but your language it says a lot you're in a you're in a tough spot you're frustrated she's probably frustrated you guys are on totally separate pages so the goal here obviously is to become one on this. So my question would be number one, what does she say to you in response to spending? Does she just do it

and there's no communication? Are you guys fighting about it? Talking about it? Like what else is going on? So we do talk about it, but it's more of after the fact when she spends, I look at the account and see that she spent. We tried talking about saving and everything. We even looked at the Dave Ramsey program and she didn't seem too interested in it. She knows that we are in debt a little bit and I've already had to pull a loan out of my retirement to help pay for that, to pay off the credit card loan. But even though we paid one section of it off, she just keeps adding on to it. Does she give you a reason why? Is it stuff that, is it like groceries or is she just like frivolously spending? Just frivolously spending.

Groceries I would get, I completely understand that. It's just like clothes, makeup, stuff like that. What else are you not on the same page? There's something else going on here. That's pretty much it, to be honest. How long have y'all been married? We've been married four and a half years, and then we've been together for eight. I'm having a hard time buying that everything, y'all are in sync together. You're making future plans are all on the same page, except that when you say, Hey,

I'm really scared about our debt and I'm really scared about our future trajectory. She's like, I hear you, but check out these shoes. That can't, that can't be that way. Um,

I mean, the only other thing I didn't think of, it's not between me and her, but, um, about a year ago, she was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. She thinks that has something to do with it. I don't know.

Okay. She does see a counselor and everything for that. Have you ever gone with her? I did in the beginning because her counselor wanted me there. Now I go to my own counselor for other problems that I had with work, but it kind of trickles into personal life as well. Yeah, it doesn't trickle in. It's the same river. And I'll just echo what Rachel said. Just listening to your language, you have a really remarkable roommate, but you'll see your own counselors,

you do your own budgets, you have your own dreams for your own individual futures and you have not built a life together. And so I get that if, man, I've sat with a number of women who've experienced postpartum that feel completely alone and their husbands don't have the tools or the insights or even the desire to reach across. It's a mess. What you've got to do is go first, Brandon, and be vulnerable and say, I'm worried about our marriage.

I love you. And I'm not doing a good job of connecting. I'm not doing a good job of connecting where I'm not doing a good job of getting on our same page. And so I want us to go see somebody together so that we can learn some new tools. This isn't an accusation. This isn't you bought something again. This is you coming and being vulnerable and saying, Hey, I want to learn some new skills because I'm not doing a good job of communicating and I'm not doing a good job of creating an us. And I want to learn how to do that better.

So would you join me in that? And it sounds like you're both open to therapy, both open to go and see somebody, but you're there now. Yeah. And, and I mean, and Brandon,

when it comes to that kind of spending, it's not like, yeah, she went five, $50 over the food budget. Right. And you're some like, I mean,

it's, it's an obvious coping mechanism for her. It feels good to go and get this stuff, right? So she may even logically know the numbers and know we don't have the money. But in that moment, it's like she just needs that dopamine hit. She needs something to put a Band-Aid on the pain that's going on in her. So I do want you to have a lot of grace and a lot of empathy, sympathy, just to be able to understand why she's doing it. It's not in spite of you.

It's probably out of her own hurt and pain. But that's still on her. She has to know how to control that and to take that coping mechanism out. Because that stuff is not going to heal. Right. That stuff does not heal. Well, you heal through connection, right? Right.

That's right. That's right. And, man, don't do something dumb like take out a loan against your 401k and then blame her for it. I've got to do this because you, because now you're doing something stupid yourself and you're going to make her the enemy. Go ahead. Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to say too, Brandon. And when you elevate these kinds of conversations versus like, how do I fight against this? How do I get in the nitty gritty? If you guys above it and just like when you see marriages i want i want you to win at you know my you know looking at her i want you to win and her to be able to look at you and say i want you to win like how do we how do we win together what are the things we're shooting for and to set a goal you guys have a goal for the next three years maybe it's a trip you plan maybe it's redoing a room in your house like i don't care what it is

but like have something that you guys are working towards together. Obviously, you guys have debt, so paying off debt would be a huge goal. But have something together because there's a level of unity that's created in marriage when you say, hey, we're going to be one in this subject. And it's hard. It may cause conflict. There's a lot of rubs against what I want, what you want. But man, we're going to push through and become that team. When you can elevate that conversation versus just the tactical as well, Brandon, that, that hopefully will get,

bring some encouragement and exciting stuff, right? Cause it's all great stuff. Good stuff. Like we're, we want to be better. We want to go towards awesome. Not go to,

what was the word I used earlier? Um, we want to go towards a hoot, right? We want to go towards awesome, not always spend our time running away from fire. Yes, exactly. towards a hoot, right? We want to go towards awesome, not always spend our time running away from fire. That's right. Yes, exactly. Exactly. So Rachel, you've been doing this a lot longer than I have. It feels like in the last year and a half when I've been sitting

in this room, it's when a husband or a wife goes to their spouse and says, hey, I want us to do Dave's thing. Yeah. It's not Dave's thing. Dave created a path and identified a plan, but it has to be our thing that we are doing for us and for our legacy and for our future and for our communities, etc. What's hard too is the one, and I'm not putting this on you Brandon, but usually the one that wants to go

gung-ho is more the legalistic one. Naturally, usually the one that's a saver. They're more excited about this naturally versus the one that's a saver like i mean they're more excited about this naturally versus the one you know his wife's like i'm gonna go buy clothes and shoes and makeup like i want to go have fun and so that legalistic person can come in and suck the life out of that spouse that's more of a free spirit right so that dynamic is interesting so what if brandon underneath the legalism said hey we

just had a new baby and i'm looking at our finances that's right do it for the baby and i'm scared yes yes i know a number of wives that would love to hear the words from their husband hey i'm scared and i don't know how to say this and my default setting is to pull out a spreadsheet and try to save us that way and your default setting is just to ignore it. But I'm nervous about tomorrow. It looks like what if we got on a plan together? And by the way, this guy named Dave created a plan for us to use in our home, right? Yeah. And now you're talking about legacy change.

Brandon, that's a lot easier to walk alongside than, well, look what you made me do. Right? Right. Do it together. Build a future together. 888-825-5225 give us a shout right here on the Ramsey Show. I'm John Deloney, joined here by best-selling author and good friend Rachel Cruz, and we have two rock stars on the debt-free stage, Lee and Jessica. How

in the world are we doing? Good. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. So I'm assuming that if you're on the Debt Free Stage, you've got a great announcement to make. You're debt free. We are.

Absolutely. Amazing. Incredible job, you guys. So where do you live? Nebraska. Nebraska. And how much have you paid off? We paid off $325,000.

Whoa. Yeah. Did you pay your house off? No. No. That doesn't include the mortgage? No. We're in an apartment right now.

$325,000. What was the debt? Student loans mostly. Student loans. What's your degrees? I have a doctorate in physical therapy. And a doctorate in occupational therapy. Ah, two doctors.

Doctor and doctor. Solving problems. And you're debt free. How long did this take you? A little under nine years. therapy. Ah, two doctors. Doctor and doctor, solving problems. There we go. We got two docs on the stage. How long did this take you? A little under nine years. A little under nine years. And what was your range of income during this time? We started out at about $55,000

and between the two of us now we're at about $150,000. Wow, y'all. $150,000 and you kept at it for nine years. Can I say the fact you guys are in an apartment with multiple children, too? Five. Five kids. How is that?

When did you do that? Did you sell the house in order to put towards the debt? We've never been in that house. We started with Financial Peace early in our marriage. We've been following Financial Peace and Dave probably for about 13 years. Got through grad school and then started on the debt snowball. All right. So what... Y'all did the math. Y'all got out of school with $325,000, right? Yeah. At some point, you looked at each other and said, we just got to start on this thing,

and this is what the next decade of our life is going to look like. How did you all come to that conclusion? Who had this conversation? How did this thing go, man? Well, Jessica kind of came to me and said, hey, at church they're doing this financial thing. And I said, I'm good. I've never bounced a check.

We'd had a couple discussions just completely opposite backgrounds. My perception of being good with money was keeping the checkbook in the black. Rent's coming due and I just bought a flat screen TV. I got to go earn some money. you know rent's coming due and I just bought a flat screen tv so what you know like I gotta go earn some money and I think at one point um Jess had spent like two hundred dollars on five coffees because they overdraft so I mean just you know opposite normal different normal opposite ends

of that yeah financial spectrum and so um you, so I asked him to do financial peace with me and he was kind of hesitant at first. He didn't want to, he thought he was good with money. You're the one that's terrible, right? So I was so thankful because, um, that just set us up as a really good, um, to start our marriage. And if we wouldn't have done that, oh my goodness, I feel like we would have had so many more fights of money and just stress of money. And we were able to be on the same page of it. And that was awesome. So we live in a culture now where nine minutes of struggle is, is annoying, right? Sitting, having to wait through a traffic light for nine minutes is hard. Nine days to get a call back from the dentist,

I feel like, oh, they hate me. Y'all looked at the math here and said, we're two doctors. We help people's healing for a living, and we got nine years ahead of us in an apartment. And by the way, we have 117 children, right? At some point, you had to say, hey, we're in this together. How did y'all come to this?

Like, this is a hard conversation. I have hard conversations for a living. This one's hard. Yeah, it's multiple conversations throughout the years. I mean, there were years where it was gazelle and tents and the kids were asking

which one was getting sold next because we were selling so much stuff after our daughter was born. We cleaned house. We had a garage sale. We sold anything that wasn't, you know, stapled to the walls, you know. And we've gone through financial peace a couple times just to kind of stay motivated and say, like, are we missing something?

How do we, know it's it's sacrifice it is it's um taking lumps on some money and putting it towards the big goal um and knowing that um in the long run it's going to give us more time with the people and our kids that we want to spend okay so how did it feel like when you guys made that final payment after nine years, amazing. What did it feel like? Yeah. It's like,

what do you want to do? Like, where should we go? Where, you know, and, um, you know,

obviously we say Tennessee, so who's your biggest cheerleaders who walked alongside you? Nobody does this kind of journey for a decade by themselves. I, everybody thought we were crazy, though. Yeah. Like, they are like, why are you doing this? Why don't you get a house?

Why don't you, like, it's completely different. My guess is this is more than that. I bet people didn't just say, hey, why don't you get a house? I bet they said, hey, what kind of life are you providing for these kids? Like, this is a point where they're coming after you. Yes. As a parent, yeah. Right after you. Yeah. Yeah. As a parent. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Right. I mean, we had, we had a van that was rusting out and it was down by the river. Yeah. We're going to keep going. It was the debt snowball van.

And you know, our, in a week things drastically changed for us. You know, we, we, we got that money that we were waiting on to pay off the debt, and it freed up money to buy a new van.

And so for those people that are in it, just keep trudging along. Just keep going. Find that cheerleader. It was pastors. It was parents. It was small group. It was friends. Hey, I'm really having a struggle i really i

really feel like i need a new car because i've i've never owned any car from the 2000s personally like it's just it's tough and you need that person to say like what's your end goal not what's gonna feel good right now yeah and not so good tomorrow let's tomorrow. Let's get those five beautiful kids up here. What are their names and ages? We have Abram, who's 10. Israel is 8. Ada will be 7 here in July. Josiah is 5.

And Boaz is 10 months. Oh, my goodness. I'm trying not to come out of this chair because this is a sit-down show. But I'm looking at these five beautiful kids, and I don't want you to miss this moment. That you have changed the trajectory of their life. It is different because two parents said, I'm going to suck it up for a decade in an apartment. And young kids, I want you to know your parents are rock stars. And y'all missed out on Disneyland.

You missed out on some crazy stuff. And now the floodgates are about to open because mom had a hard conversation with dad and they did this together. So, so, so proud of you. Lee and Jessica from Omaha, Nebraska paid off $325,000

in nine years, changing the lives of all 800. You've got five kids, all five kids, and yours. You are debt-free. Let's count it down and hear a debt-free scream. Ready? Ready.

On three. Three, two, one. We're debt-free! Oh, my gosh. Man, talk about a marathon. Talk about a marathon. Nine years. Nine years.

I look at her as a mom, and I'm like, oh, my gosh. That was three presidents ago. That was three presidents ago. Yes. I mean, that is hard, you guys. I mean, we say your debt turnaround is 18 to 24 months on average on here. So we get stories all over the place. All income levels, all debt levels, yes. But that right there, that's remarkable.

Absolutely remarkable. And you've got community members saying... $325,000. I know. And they say, we support you, but somebody took them out for coffee and said, Hey, what are you doing? Just get a house for crying out loud. Hey, we love you, but this van.

Enjoy the moment. The van's got to go. You're a doctor now? Right. You are a doctor. What are you doing? Do you feel connected? You're a doctor too, sort of.

Yeah. There are what I like to call real doctors where they actually help people and they don't. John's a doctor. They don't just run their mouth on the radio. They're amazing. You'll see actual clients and patients. No, they're amazing. You guys, incredible.

The beauty of this job is coming here every day and thinking that my job is to inspire other people. And I see you guys, and I go home a better dad and a better husband and a better community member, a better neighbor, because I get to be in contact with you guys. Y'all are heroes. I love it.

$325,000. Sweet kids. Right here on The Ramsey Show. today's scripture is psalm 25. May integrity and a brightness protect me because my hope, Lord, is in you. Andy Andrews says, to become a great leader, don't focus on becoming a great leader. Instead, focus on becoming someone worth following. That's good. So good, I know. All right, blinds.com.

Find out for yourself why blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window covering. You get free samples, free shipping, and with the new promos they run every month, you'll save even more. Use promo code RAMSY to get the best deal. Rules and restrictions apply. Today's question comes from Kate in South Carolina. My husband and I have been married three years. The house we live in is on his mother's property. She's overstepped boundaries, and this has caused a lot of issues.

I want to move so that we have privacy in our own space. I've tried to talk to my husband, but he doesn't want to move. After a big fight, he agreed to look at other homes, but refuses to sell the current house, which we would need to to buy another house. I'm at a loss as to how to move forward. What are your thoughts? Dun, dun, dun.

The in-law on the property. You. I would want to know why. And again, obviously, Kate's not a caller right now, but I'm like, I want to know why does he want to stay?

Is it because it's a codependency on his mom and his family? Or is it because, like, the house is a great deal and the property is 800 acres? You know what I mean? But I bet it's not. I have...

It's a hard one. I have heard, I haven't experienced this, but I've heard over the years a dynamic between mother-in-laws and their son's wife. Yeah, daughter-in-laws and their son's wife. Yeah, daughter-in-laws, yeah. That there is a level of tension that often husbands are completely oblivious to.

They just waltz in and out of the world like, oh, it's fine. And their wife says, it's super not fine, but they got to be careful because it's their mom and they want to not offend their thin-skinned husband. But this is a bigger red flag than it looks. And so, Kate, this is one of those moments that y'all need to get out of this house

and go somewhere and let your husband know that, not I want to have a conversation about our house, but I want to have a conversation about what's the trajectory of our relationship, what's the trajectory of our future. What's the trajectory of our, of our future? Where are we headed here? Yeah. Where you're going to live is part of that.

But if you focus on the house, the house, the house, the, your mom, your mom, your mom, it,

your husband will try to fight a bunch of little battles and you're both going to end up losing this, this, this relationship. Yeah. And so I want you to go somewhere and have a conversation about, Hey, where are we headed? What are we doing?

And in that conversation, Kate can talk about, here are some real tangible ways. Your mom makes me uncomfortable. Here's how she's overstepping boundaries. Here's how you are making me feel husband while you're picking your, that you're picking your mom over me. I was going to say that's yep. And here's the uncomfortable statement. That's not a popular statement, but this is a truthful statement. Kate, you're going to have to at some point come up with your or what statement, your or what moment, right? Because just nagging about this, poking at this, complaining about this will lead you to drown along with him. You've got to have a, hey, I'm telling you in three years we've got to be out of this house. In 24 months we've got to be out of this house. In 24 months we've got to be out of this house.

And then you've got to come up with an or what statement. And if you are not, I'm not going to ever leave him, then you're going to have to make peace. That's where you live. If that's where you want to live, that's where you're going to live. Or you're going to have to say, I'm going to have to make hard decisions here if you don't honor me enough. To do this, yes. To look into our future. Because like it is, it's an example of he's not honoring her in this situation, which means where could he not honor her and others, right?

That's right. It's that level of trust. Right. And it often, again, I'm poking at him. He may not know what a big deal this is. He may be hearing this as, I don't want to sell the house. I like her house. And then moving on about the day.

Right. It doesn't understand that this is an existential issue for his life. So get out of the changing environment, change the conversation about a legacy conversation, about where we go in conversation, and this is a part of it, right? It's good. All right, let's go to Tanner in Vancouver. What's up, Tanner? How we doing? How are you?

I'm great. How about you? Not too bad. I just, I have a, I guess it's a marriage problem. Um, me and my wife are fine and we're, we're stronger than ever, but, um, my, my wife's last night, um, she has an issue, um, being around my, my mother, um, alone. She, my mom has went and turned around, and I've never witnessed it, but my mom has went and talked to her, talked down to her, and I'm trying to be faithful to my wife, or not faithful, but loyal to my wife, but I just don't know where to go with this.

So we were just talking about that with this blinds.com call. When you say talk down to what, what did your wife tell you? How about that? Her name is Katerina. Okay. What did Katerina, she came to you last night and said, and what'd she say? Well, she didn't say anything. I was talking to her cause we're planning a trip out to them.

I, I live on in Vancouver and my in- in Vancouver, and my family lives out in Ontario. And I left Ontario because I needed to make a drastic move because my family and her have never gotten along, and we have a 10-year-old in the mix of it. So I'm trying to do what's right by my wife, and I've never heard my mother say anything. And I'm not saying that my wife is overreacting. Is your wife lying to you?

I don't think so. I honestly, like, she has no reason to lie. I don't care about any of that stuff. Is your wife lying to you? I don't think so. I honestly, like, she has no reason to lie. I don't care about any of that stuff. Is your wife lying to you? Okay. No. Okay. Then I want you to sit down and hear your wife, let her be open to you,

and then at some point you have a responsibility to go to your mom and say, this stops now because I pick her over you. And if your mom's going to act like a child and your mom's going to run your wife down, which by proxy is going to run down your 10-year-old in the mix here, then your mom is self-selecting out of your relationship. And I know that's a hard conversation

and it's an uncomfortable conversation and it's a conversation, but this is one of those hardline moments, right? It is. And Tanner, I can even hear it in your voice, though. He wants to do the right thing for his wife. That's right. You know what I mean?

This wasn't like my wife. Sometimes it's pinned the other way where the wife's the bad one in the situation. But you know, yeah, you're in a marriage and your number one is your wife. And I feel that from you. And I think sitting down and having that boundary conversation, it'll either clear it up and it'll stop it or it's going to cause more friction between you guys. Well, I think it clears up either way. Right. Yeah.

Tanner, it's important you don't go to war with your mom and don't be disrespectful and don't be ugly and don't call her. That's not how you do that. You go visit your mom. Right. Yes. And you have this conversation in person and say, hey, I love my wife and she's who I chose. And here's the deal, too. I think some women and she's who I chose. And here's the deal too. I think some women can be passive.

Some women, maybe all to an extent. I don't know. We can be passive aggressive at times. So your mom, while she probably knows what she's doing, she may not even know the weights that a flippant comment can make that was very hurtful. Do you know what I mean? So I don't know, but I know they had a rocky relationship. You said they've never really liked her.

So there's probably gonna be a lot of stuff there to unpack. And this is a conversation that you have respectfully and with dignity, but this is a moment when you step up for your family and for your wife and your kid and you say, I'll go talk to my mom. That's right. Alright, let's take one last call. Let's go quick. Hey Jess, we're up against the

clock, so let's get right to the question. What's going on? Hey, so I am actually dating a guy that is um has a mom and we're talking about marriage and he is saying that she will not leave him any inheritance if i don't sign a prenup and i was just kind of wanting to get your thoughts on that should i do it um should i not how big how big's the inheritance jess i don't know to be 100 but i'm thinking it's going to be more like $5 million spread out between his brothers, which is he has two brothers. So it's not like he's getting $20 million or anything like that.

No. My things, no. With prenups, always my rule of thumb is if there is a large sum of money and there's something like voting stock within a family business, I mean, if there's a substantial thing there it's my one time where i'm like okay i can understand it because it could affect the rest of the family in something else and it protects you guys to have some bunch of your family coming out of the woodwork to try to get this fortune of this yes but i mean five million it's great don't get me wrong five million is great it's great it's great but spread out over the long haul, I'm like, I don't like it.

Here's my concern, Jess. My concern here is I want your husband going back to his mom and saying, I'm marrying this woman. I hope you'll be with us. I don't like your husband putting you in the position, hey, mom said, right? He needs to stand up for you if this marriage is going to have any legs on it whatsoever. Hey, thanks so much for joining us. I want to thank Kelly Daniel and James Childs

for running the boards and taking the calls. Rachel, look forward to the Money in Marriage event tomorrow night. RamseySolutions.com slash marriage. Thank you for joining us. Be kind to one another. This is The Ramsey Show. Hey guys, this is James, senior producer for The Ramsey Show. Did you know over 18 million people listen to The Ramsey Show every week?

And a lot of those people listen on one of our 600 plus radio stations across the country. To find a station near you, head to theramseyshow.com.