The Ramsey Show - App - No Boundaries! My Dad Bought a Car for My 12-Year-Old Daughter (Hour 2)

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Debt, Home Selling, Relationships As heard on this episode: Sign Up for a FREE trial of Ramsey+ TODAY: https://bit.ly/3rZTUAx Tools to get you started:  Debt Calculator: https://bit.ly/2Q64HME Insurance Coverage Checkup: https://bit.ly/3sXwUn5 Complete Guide to Budgeting: https://bit.ly/3utmVXi Check out more Ramsey Network podcasts: https://bit.ly/3fHhbVE

Thank you. live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio this is the Ramsey Show where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money I'm Christy Wright author of the the new book, Take Back Your Time, The Guilt-Free Guide to Life Balance. And I'm joined by my good friend, Dr. John Deloney. And we are taking your calls, 888-825-5225. If you have a question about money, if you have a question about relationships, maybe need some advice, you're at a fork in the road,

having to make a decision, you're not sure which decision is right, and just want to bounce your ideas off of someone else, we're here. 888-825-5225. And we're going to kick off this hour by going to Orlando, Florida with Holly. Hey, Holly, how are you? Hi, I'm great. I'm so excited. How are you doing today? Good. We're excited to talk to you. What's going on? Good. Guys, thank you so much. I am a single mother. I'm 40 years old, and I have a little miracle baby, two-year-old daughter. And I am trying to determine right now whether or not I should sell my home to take advantage of this market and perhaps move in locally with my mother for a year or two.

Even though I know in my heart that probably is not the smartest move, it might be the best financial decision to help secure my future. And I just wanted your advice, you know, just kind of wanted to bounce a couple ideas off of you and see why it might make sense and might not. Yeah, well, I'm so glad you called, first of all. I'll tell you my gut response. And then I want John to talk about this, because I'm sure for the relationship aspect, he is much wiser than me. I can only speak from my experience. And that is that if I want to have a relationship with my mother, I should not live with her. And I love my mother, love her, love her living in a different house than me, most of all. So for me, what immediately jumps out to me, Holly, is not just that relationship piece that,

of course, I'm looking at it through the lens of my own relationships, but is that real estate typically only goes up anyway. And yes, the market is hot right now, but you're not going to lose money. If you stay in your house, your, your, your house is secure. Your house is safe. I mean, your, your, your real estate goes up typically. So my thought, my, my gut is no stay, you know, especially when you said like, I think I know, like, I think that's not a good idea from the relationship aspect. You don't need to, you don't need to, unless you do. I mean,'s not a good idea from the relationship aspect. You don't need to. Is there some financial burden that you didn't mention? Do you have a lot of debt? What's going on with your other finances that makes you feel like you need to sell it to have that money?

I think the biggest concern is that I am 40 and I only have about $60,000 so far in retirement. I've been following the baby steps for the past four years, cut up my credit cards. I paid off $30,000-plus in credit cards over the past four years, and I just paid off a $50,000 student loan in September. Wow. Congratulations. Congrats. That's huge. Thank you. I went back as kind of a non-traditional student, earned my MBA in 2015,

and went from earning around $40,000 a year to now I make about $86,000 and change. Wow. You're amazing. You are amazing. Thank you. So I feel like I'm on a really good upward trajectory. However, now being a mother,

there are daycare expenses, additional insurance costs, things like that. So I'm on baby step two, but I only have about $3,000 left of attorney's fees. And that was for a child support related case. Unfortunately, that's still an ongoing battle and kind of a variable. So that's kind of where I am. I feel like I'm in a decent position, but I'm a little bit behind in retirement. I am eager and anxious to begin or to resume a college savings fund for my daughter and to get the three to six months of security put in the bank for us. So yeah, that's kind of where I think. Holly, here's been my experience over the last 24 months. Tell me if this rings true with you

at all. Every single media outlet on the planet, I guess except for this show, where everybody seems to have kind of a still pulse, is rattling every cage they have.

They're banging every pot and every pan and every gong and every drum, letting you know that you're not okay, you're not safe, you're not fill in the blank. You're not enough. You should have been. Oh my gosh.

You're behind. And this is all coming down. What you just rattled off to us is that you got $3,000. You've been busting it, both in your academic life, in your professional life, in your personal life. And then, ta-da, you got a kid. And, hey, let's figure this out.

We're going to keep going. You are walking, like as Dave talks about, the tortoise and the hare. You're the turtle. You're just getting up every day, and you're grinding it out, and you're working hard. And the next day, you're working hard. The next day, you're working hard. Do you have a math issue when it comes to retirement? Yeah, you're 40.

I mean, you got some money you need to start socking away. But you are well on your way. And what every system is telling us is you better do something. Dump all of your money, cash it all out, buy Bitcoin,

do all this crazy stuff. And then there's Holly getting up every day, being disciplined and doing it and doing it and doing it. I'm going to follow Christian, man. unless you tell me something catastrophic is happening you've got to get out of this house i don't like this house it's not safe i want your mother to be your young child's grandmother i want y'all to love going out there for sunday lunches and i want you to just

keep those negative voices telling you that you're behind that that you're not enough, that you screwed up. Keep those at bay. Keep those out of your head. Turn the stupid thing off and keep plugging away step after step after step after step. And you're going to look up at 50 and you're going to have paid off your house. You're going to have no debt left. You're going to have settled this nonsense legal stuff. You're going to be debt free and you'll be able to cash flow college.

You'll be able to save up for college. Your retirement is going to start adding up. It's just doing the small things day after day after day. Yeah, and Holly, the thing that stuck out to me when you were telling me a little bit about your finances and your situation, you said you don't have much saved in retirement, and I'm 40, and I thought, oh, you're young. Yeah, you're a child. You're doing amazing. You are like a blink away from being debt-free.

You are so stinking close to being debt-free. You're going to get your three to six months of emergency fund really quickly after that, like a blink away from being debt-free. You are so stinking close to being debt-free. You're going to get your three to six months of emergency fund really quickly after that. And then you're going to be adding to your retirement and you'll be able to speed that up and pick up once you don't have these payments behind you. You are doing absolutely fantastic. I think sometimes when we get so motivated and excited, which is a good thing in order to work the baby steps and pay off our debt and so on. We want to fast forward it.

Cut corners. And you don't need to. I mean, like if someone was in a desperate situation, we'd say, yes, sell the house. To your point. You're not in a desperate situation at all. You're actually in an awesome situation. You're doing really, really great. And despite the hurdles that you've come across the last few years, you're pursuing

further education. You've increased your income by double. You've got a home, a safe home for you and your child. You're just, you're really doing amazing. And so if we're the only people that are telling you this right now, let us be the people that are telling you, you're doing amazing. You're doing- Get some different friends.

You're doing a great job. You will get your retirement in there when you get to that baby step. Don't even worry about that right now. Pay off that last bit of debt. Work on your three to six months. Stay in your home. I think stability is even a better thing when you've got other things going on. You're doing great.

The answer to your question is you're doing great. And put it this way. It will cost you something to move. It'll cost a piece of your soul. It will cost a relationship with your mom. It will cost a relationship with your mom. It'll cost a relationship with your child's grandparent. It'll cost you something, not imaginary equity. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

This is The Ramsey Show. I saw some recent financial statistics, and there was some pretty troubling news. When families were asked how long it would be before they faced financial hardship if a spouse died, nearly one-third said they'd be in trouble immediately. Another 44% said they'd be financially drained within six months. People, it does not have to be this way. Term life insurance plans are just plain cheap, and companies have made it even easier by not requiring exams in many cases. There really is no excuse to leave your family in this situation by not having life insurance. This is why I talk about Zander Insurance every day. They're committed to protecting families with the only products that I recommend, and their team keeps the entire process simple and affordable.

Go to Zander.com for quick online pricing or call 800-356-4282. This has to be a priority. If your family is in this situation, you need to get this done. I'm Chrissy Wright, Don Deloney, and I are taking your calls today, 888-825-5225. If you have a question about money, relationships, starting a business, life balance, anything you want to talk about, we are here for you. We're going to go to new york city new york with pete hey pete how are you how you guys doing good what's going on i'm the proud owner of a tesla 3 a 2019 tesla 3 and i've noticed that the trade-in values for used cars and in particular teslas are very high almost as high as what I bought it for. And I did a quick research. Kelly Blue Book puts my trade in at around $49,000. Cost of a new Tesla

3 with zero miles on it, obviously, is about $57,000. So I was wondering, should I go for it? I have 20,000 miles on the car I have now, or realizing that I probably won't always get a chance to lock in on such a high trade-in, or should I just go old school, like my dad would say, and just drive it into the ground, which is what I had planned to do before these trade-in values went haywire. What do you guys think? Okay. So I don't want to answer this question in a vacuum outside the context of the rest of your finances. So let's talk about how the rest of your finances are doing. Do you have any debt?

Just my mortgage. Okay. And you have a fully funded emergency fund of three to six months? Yep. Okay, cool. So I guess the thing that sticks out to me, and we've got a lot of calls like this, and John, you jump in on this. The thing that's interesting is people are asking questions. Should I do this? Should I sell my house? Should I trade in my Tesla in this example? Just because the opportunity is there, when really outside of the opportunity or perceived gain, you like the car that you have, you like the house that you have, whatever.

So I guess, is it just purely because you could make a good return on it? Well, it's not a good return because I'm actually losing money. Not a return. I'm sorry, not a return. What I mean is the value that you're getting back is more than you would expect to get in this market. That's what I mean to say. Historically, trade-in values for used cars are high. And it's high for Tesla 3s. I read that that's like the most in-demand car. Maybe

I'm wrong, but that's just what I read. So you got 20,000 miles on it? Yep. So you're basically paying a $17,000. Is that about right? $10,000? You're going to turn around and go buy another Tesla. What's the gap? It's a difference. The gap's about $9,000. Okay. So you're paying, if you had 100,000 miles on this thing, or for a Tesla, you'd have two or 300,000 miles on it. That'd make sense. It sounds like a lot of headache. You're trading $9,000 for 20,000 miles. I mean, a 2019 with 20,000 miles, in my mind, again, I drive old cars, it feels brand new. No, I agree. What about this new Tesla?

So let's change the whole math problem here, or not the math problem, the psychology problem. What about this new Tesla is more exciting to you than the current one that you have right now? Honestly, and I think you're kind of getting at like what is the emotional thing driving this if i'm reading your question right and um i'm just asking are you like are you excited about the new tesla um you know it's not a whole lot better than the one i have now it's just you know there's a couple upgrades but

but it's wouldn't be like a way better car. It would be close to parity, just newer. I guess what I'm really worried about is, or not worried, but am I going to miss this window where the trade-in values are as high as they are, and then I'll be kicking myself at five years when I'm trading the car in for $15,000 when I said, you dummy, why didn't you trade it in when you could have gotten a better deal for it? But you're talking about a two-year difference here, man. And 20,000 miles. I think it's a perception thing.

Yeah, it's a perceived loss. Yes. It's like I've got to jump on this, and it's that fear of like, what if I miss out to your point? But there's nothing that great about the new car that you want, need, whatever. You like your car, and so it's more the opportunity that seems shiny and i don't think there is a cost to it not just the financial cost but there's also the headache cost and i think it sounds like you and your car you're in a great situation i don't think it's something you need to do yeah so we we have a there's an

incredible book by daniel kahneman called thank, Thank You Slow. One of the things it talks about is we are so hypersensitive to perceived loss even to the point that we will go after perceived loss at the expense of known gain. Right? So the hardest thing for anybody to do

right now is to just say, I like my house. I know on paper imaginary it's worth more. Nobody's handed me cash know on paper, imaginary, it's worth more. Nobody's handed me cash yet, so it feels like it's worth more, or my car, or my whatever. I guess I got to do something now because I have to get this good deal, or three years from now, I'm going to be mad I didn't get this great deal. Not ever asking yourself, dude, do you like your car, and do you like your situation, and do you just want to throw $9,000 at a thing that might make you feel better three or four or five years from now? That just seems bonkers. I say, I mean,

you're not going to, you're debt free, do whatever you want, man. But if it's me, I'm going to go, that's cool. And I'm glad that my car has got high value. I'm going to keep loving my car. And then I'm gonna go about my day. Yeah. Yeah. And the thing I want to highlight is you're in a great position, Pete, the fact that you're even asking this question, you've done really well with your finances. You're debt-free. You're in a great spot. But at the same time, it doesn't mean we have to do something new just because it's available, just because you could get a lot of money for your used car.

Again, we keep using this example. We keep getting calls about this. Should I sell my house because I could get a lot for it? It's like, well, do you want to move? No. Do you need to sell your house? No. Well, and our friend, Kate Coleman gets like, Hey, should I, I just, they called me and

said, would I be interested in this promotion? Do you want to do that work? No. No. Do you want to have those hours? No. But it pays $30,000 more. Like think about your life.

We have this, it may never come again or they put me in a position. If I don't take this promotion, I'm never going to go. Man, that's okay. The other thing I would add, uh, Pete, in your scenario, and we didn't say this promotion, I'm never going to get it. Man, that's okay. The other thing I would add, Pete, in your scenario, and we didn't say this, but I want to make sure I say it. The two options you have

is not trade in and get a good amount for your car now to have a newer car or drive it into the ground. There's like a, we could upgrade before you drive it into the ground.

It could just be, hey, I'm going to drive this for about five years and then to your point, maybe you trade it in for a little bit less but by that point you've got so much more savings and you've gotten gotten uh great you know great miles out of that car and then you want to get a little bit newer car it doesn't have to be these extremes and when we think in extremes then it makes it feels like it makes the decision so much more emotionally heightened and so much more like oh my gosh so much is in the line you could just you could just

do that in like two or three years if you want to. But for everybody out there listening, wondering, should I sell my house or should I sell my car? Because it's a good moment to do those things. That's the wrong question. The right question is, do you need a new car? Right. Do you want to and can you afford to move into another house?

And then you look backwards and say, okay, what's the market for my sale here? Yeah. It doesn't always apply in these scenarios, but it makes me think one of the things I've talked about at Business PT Class Weekend, and I've talked about in the context of all of my teaching on life balance, which has been such a theme this fall, sometimes we just look at good opportunities and we say, should I do that because it's good? But a good thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. A good thing at the wrong time will stress you out. A good thing at the wrong time will stress you out. A good thing at the wrong time will actually put you in a bad position.

And so just asking yourself, not is this just a good thing, is this the right time for that thing? And when you ask yourself that, you'll come up with a much better answer, whether that's with your finances, with your car, with your home, with your business. Don't just ask yourself, is this opportunity good? Is this the right opportunity? And is this the right opportunity now? And I love how you talked about the,

even the science behind the perceived loss, because that drives so much of our behavior. There's an incredible study where you come into a room and you have $51 bills and you start laying them down one after the other after the other and I'm a stranger, I sit down and then I call it. I say, good.

You call good. I put down $3 and then if I accept the deal, you take 97, I take three and we're out of here. And what the research found is if I perceived it to be unfair to it within a certain degree,

I would say no and scratch the whole deal. Rationally speaking, I would walk away with $3 more than when I sat down. But unless you put down $55 and I get $45, then I'll be like, okay. But if I felt like, it's this perceived loss that we're so obsessed about and we lose the fact that, dude, I could just take $10 and go to Chick-fil-A here and grab some dinner that I didn't have before. Yeah. Right? So you've got a great car.

You've got a great house. Yes, it's got some imaginary money associated with it. Great. Are you happy with your life right now? Yeah. Don't look for these imaginary losses that haven't happened yet that might happen in the future. You're going to make yourself crazy in the present. That's good.

That's good. That's good. This is The Ramsey Show. I'm Christy Wright. Joining me is my good friend, fellow Ramsey personality, Dr. John Deloney. And this is a very special moment because one of our own Ramsey Solutions team members here in Nashville, Tennessee, Matt is on the debt-free stage. Hey, Matt. How's it going? Hey, Christy. Hey, John.

How are you? This is so exciting. This is huge. Okay, so this is really fun for us because you're on our team and we get to hear your story. And so obviously you work here on the team, but we're going to hear the debt-free journey let's start by getting the basics how much debt did you pay off uh eighty thousand one hundred and ten dollars wow and we're not supposed to ask this but i gotta know how much money you make i'm just kidding don't answer that

just kidding deloney hey don't tell everybody what your role is on the team though what's your role on the team uh i'm a developer on the b2c uh team. One of those really smart people that knows how to program things and make things happen for you guys that go to our website and things like that. Okay. How long did this $80,110 take you? 27 months. 27? 27 months.

How long have you been on the team? I started May 10th, so just under six months. Oh, you're somewhat new. Yes. Okay, cool. Okay. Well, then cool. So when you take us back to 27 months

ago this is before you were a team member take us back to that moment and how you got started on this whole journey so i was uh dave ish for probably five ten years i mean dave always says that the the hardest baby step was baby step one i don't know i did it i mean five six times it's not that hard i just keep doing it yeah i just kept doing it that's right uh but in july 2019 uh i met a girl i thought i was going to get married that did not happen but that event caused me to to really have to reflect and like what do i want to be true you know when i get to this stage of my life, the meeting her, the breakup, uh, the meeting her.

Okay. Like when I met her, I was like, Oh, like if I marry this girl, like what things do I want to be true? You know, that weren't true then, which is, it was a lot, you know? So the one I decided to tackle first was finances. Okay. Um, and I had decided, um, to really just submit to this program. I decided I am not, in fact, smarter than Dave.

So when I went, I decided, you know, I tried to do it before and failed. So I was like, I'm going to get a coordinator. So I actually took FPU with a coordinator. I was the only one in his class. Shout out to Mike Ford. He's so awesome um and you know like having that the accountability from the coordinator and then the accountability with uh some friends and my family like those two things really uh really were the difference in the 27 months that's awesome

well i'm really impressed that you, when you decided to commit to it, you did something different in order to have different results, like get going through it with the class, having a coordinator, having, having different people around you, because a lot of people, they will attempt to do something like pay off their debt multiple times. And when they don't, it just, it kills their confidence that they can because like, Oh, I'll try that. Didn't work. Tried that. Didn't work. And you're like, I didn't try that. Didn't work. I'm gonna do something different so that it does work. And you did that, which is awesome.

I didn't ask this, but what kind of debt was it? So it was, I owed my parents $1,200 from them fixing my car. I had about $10,000 credit card debt, $20,000 on a car, and the rest was student loans. Okay. So a little bit of everything. How old are you, Matt? I am 33. So this 27 months, $80,000 the rest was student loans. Okay. So a little bit of everything. How old are you, Matt? I am 33. So this 27 months, $80,000, you hit the gas.

When you turned the corner, you said, enough's enough's enough. What lit that fire? You know, I'm an Enneagram one, so once I got convinced to do it and once I had the accountability and the structures in place, I just hit it. And I also should say, um, the, probably the most tactical thing I did though, was I really just leaned into God's calling, uh, for me, you know, the first was submitting to this program, uh, and God really blessed that. And then I also, I had been, I'd felt for a long time, at least a year probably, that I should increase my tithe from tithing off my net to tithing off my gross income.

And I'm not a prosperity guy. The only thing that I think God owes me when I read the New Testament is a butt kicking. But I had felt called to do that for a really long time and i finally did it and i was really really nervous um but those two events together led to my income going up forty seven thousand dollars in six months wow very cool uh just from that's all and i like i'm good i mean i'm willing to believe i'm good but i'm not that good yeah yeah well there's some there's such a principle in there and it can get into you know people can have opposition say oh prosperity all that but I have just found again and again and again obedience precedes the blessing and it wasn't about the

amount of money necessarily probably it was about the obedience obedience to the plan and your your words submit obedience to tithing what you're just whatever it is just doing what God is asking you to do God blesses obedience and you're just such an example of that. Okay. So Matt, you have heard the debt-free calls, people call in. What is the key for you? And I know you have an interesting story because 20 of the months were not on this team, six, seven months were on this team. For your seat and how you've walked this out, what do you think the key was that helped you actually do this? So I mentioned the tactical thing. The biggest strategic thing, I think, was evaluating my previous times that I had failed and really just knowing my why.

You know, AO always says that if your why doesn't make you cry, then the price of commitment will. And that, for me, that was so true true um that like i knew why i was making sacrifices i mean the car that i had that on i sold it and the one i replaced it with has had probably three thousand dollars worth of repairs at least like you know one right after the other and but i still kept going because i knew it was worth it though i still had the why of why I had done it so I knew I didn't like even though I was tempted to just go buy another car on payments I was like no that's not why I sold the other one that's you know I'm getting out of debt it matters yeah was a member of our team I don't want this to be lost on the listener anybody watching this but especially on

you look around here man everybody stopped working they come out to be lost on the listener or anybody watching this, but especially on you. Look around here, man. Everybody stopped working. They come out here to cheer on their brother. And as you've crossed this incredible threshold and you head into whatever's coming next for you, I want you to never forget you're not alone in this deal. And it's incredible. I just am reminded every day I show up to work here when somebody high-fives you and says, Good job. You've got an army of people here who walk through this crazy life thing together with you. It's incredible. I just am reminded every day when we show up to work here, when somebody high-fives you and says, good job,

you've got an army of people here who walk through this crazy life thing together with you, and they got your back for whatever comes next, right? Yeah. So good. Okay, who else in this journey have been your biggest cheerleaders? So my parents were a big help. During COVID, I ended up staying over there a lot because I was, I work remote. I was at the time I was working remote and I mean, I would go like days without talking

to anybody in person. So I ended up over at my parents a lot. Uh, they also have an anxiety ridden dog that I needed to take care of. Um, so I did that. And then my buddy Aaron and his wife Sarah are both they were both my accountability partners I want to be like both of them somehow when I grow up

and you know they were really sort of the tactical like hey I really want to buy this and they just said no you don't need it I love it well Matt you're amazing and the work that you do here at Ramsey Solutions is what leads to the life change of so many people that are listening to this show right now. And so we are so, so grateful you're on the team, so grateful for you to share your story.

And gosh, what an amazing hard work that you paid off, $80,000 in 27 months. You're incredible. Now, you know, Matt, normally we say we have a copy of the Legacy Journey and Total Money Makeover, which I think you have access to anything you want here as a product benefit, as a team member. Alright, Matt. Matt from Nashville, Tennessee, here on our Debt Free

Stage as a member of Ramsey Solutions, paid off $80,110 in 27 months. Matt, count it down. Let's hear a debt-free scream. Three, two, one. I'm debt-free! I love it.

I love seeing the team in the lobby. Oh my gosh, it's so cool. And how cool that the last six months or so as he paid it off was here on our team. I mean, that's just... One of my favorite parts about Matt's example is he said, I tried a few times. I was Dave-ish. I tried to fail, tried to fail.

And then I did something different. Do something different. Do something different. Doing the same thing over and over again. I just yell at my kid all the time and they just keep doing the same thing. Well, you change. Right.

Maybe you guys are listening right now and you've tried this baby steps plan. You've tried the Dave plan. You're Dave-ish and it hasn't worked. Maybe you sign up for a Financial Peace University class. Maybe you sign up for Ramsey Plus. Maybe you get an accountability group. Maybe you put some things in place to help you do the things you say you want to do.

Maybe you do something different. This is The Ramsey Show. I'm Christy Wright. Dr. John Delonia are taking your calls, answering your questions. Got a question about relationships, money, starting a business, or the million dollar question. How do you balance it all all it's one of my favorite ones to answer especially these days we are here for you 888-825-5225 the answer to that question is like 20 bucks you wrote a book on it didn't you i have a book for you it's like 20 bucks you don't have to cost a million dollars well it's the question that everyone loves to ask everyone loves to talk about and here's the thing everyone has a lot of feelings on this topic of balance.

They have a lot of feelings on a lot of things. Totally. But despite their hatred of the word, can't stop talking about it. Can't stop asking about it. So, yes, someone asked me in an interview recently, like, yeah, you just put that on the cover. The guilt-free guy to life balance. Like, sure did. I'm an Enneagram 8.

I'm just going to go right into this conflict. I'm going to reclaim it. Redefine. Man, redefining. See what I did there? Redefining. I know. It's a thing.

All right, let's go to Palm Beach, Florida with Janice. Hey, Janice, how are you? Hi, Christy. I'm good. How are you? Good. What's going on? Well, I'd love to ask the question about balance, but today I have a different question.

Hey, it's free. Not even a million dollars. Yeah. Well, you guys are going ask the question about balance, but today I have a different question. Hey, it's free. Not even a million dollars. Yeah. Well, you guys are going to think I'm joking, but I found out over the weekend that my father bought a car for my 12-year-old daughter. Wow. And he is planning on unveiling it on Christmas as a gift for her. And he doesn't know that I know about it. And I honestly am really upset and do not know how to approach this with him.

That so sounds like something my dad would do, Janice. Why would he buy? Seriously. Walk me through this. I want John Deloney to walk us through this together, Janice. Yeah. Should my dad do this potentially? First of all, can I ask a follow-up?

How'd you find out? My mom told me. Oh, okay. All right. All right. This is you. Oh, mom cheaters. This is you.

They're very good friends. Dr. D, you're in. Okay, so why did your dad, this isn't the first time he's done this, but why did your dad buy a car for your 12-year-old? Okay, so let me give you a little bit of background information. I knew it. So my dad had this older Jeep that belonged to his dad before he passed away.

And he recently, maybe about six months ago, approached me and said that he wanted to give that Jeep to my daughter for, you know, when she was able to drive. And I said, no, we have a plan with that. You know, we're going to make sure that she works and saves money. And we told her already that we're going to match it. You know, we have a plan with that. You know, we're going to make sure that she works and saves money. And we told her already that we're going to match it. You know, we have a savings account. She asked to see it every once in a while to see how much money is in it, you know, all that sort of stuff. And he said, well, why, you know, why can't she have the Jeep? I said, well, it's really old. Jeeps aren't super safe. And I think from that he heard, well, it's old and Jeeps aren't safe. So let me, let me get a different car.

Actually, that's not what he heard, but go ahead. I'll tell you what he heard in a second. So I told him we have a plan. We want to do this for her. And he said he totally ignored it, which he does often. I was going to say, how long has he completely ignored your plan and your boundaries? Probably for all of your life? Always. Yes.

And so what he heard was, oh, a boundary. That's cute. That's sweet. Watch me go right through it. I am so here for this answer, Janice. I am on the edge of my seat. I know a friend who might be curious. Okay, can I ask you one more hard question?

Sure. What does he contribute to you and or your daughter financially? Nothing anymore. I was a single mom for the first five years of her life, so I did rely on my parents a little bit with some help with daycare and insurance expenses. Once I got married, my husband and I worked really hard to pay off debt for about three years. So I think my family saw us working really hard and didn't quite understand it and thought,

oh, they must not have any money. So I think maybe he still thinks that, but as of right now, he does not contribute anything. Gotcha. So we could do this one all day long. This is super fun for me. Here's the way to cut through this is always remember two things. Secrets destroy relationships, and secrets are weapons for bullies, narcissists, people who are small that are trying to feel bigger.

And so the approach through this is throw all the lights on and turn all the music off. Call your dad and say, I heard you got my 12-year-old a car. Walk me through what you're thinking, Dad. And here's what you're going to do. That is punching a bully in the nose.

I'm not going to let you show up and then put me on blast in front of my 12-year-old to make me the bad guy when I tell you to take this gift that you got my 12-year-old away. And so call it out and say, did you do this? And let him stammer around.

And then he'll say, you need to save this and I'm just trying to help out. And in just five years, and he's going to weaponize how he's helped you in the past and make you the bad guy because he had to step in and help you and he's always going to step in and help you and blah blah blah and this is where this is going to become important you

laid a boundary down when he said i want to get her the old jeep i want to fix it up and give it to her and you said no we have a plan well now he's calling your bluff on your boundary and we get to see what what you're made of. Okay. This is where you're going to have to say something hard. Like if you bring a car to my house, I'm going to have it towed away. Or you are not welcome at Christmas if you show up to my house with a car for my 12 year old. I love this advice so much. I want to ask one quick question of Janice. As John is giving you this advice, Janice, have you ever had similar hard conversations? Do you have the habit of calling your dad out on this stuff in the past?

Yeah, probably at least once a year. And I did have a follow-up question. Should I bring my husband in on this conversation with my dad, or should I just leave it between us for now? I think that's six one way, half dozen another. I think you talked through the decision with your husband. If it's me, I'm going to reach out to my parents. Christian, I've actually disagreed on this. We've had a lot of fun with that on your show. I don't know that that's necessary. You can if you want him to call your dad and say, hey, you're not, we have a plan. Your daughter, my wife, told you that, but I'm stepping

in here saying there's not going to be a car brought to my house on Christmas, period, and I'm going to have it towed away. I don't know that that's necessary. I think if you are as direct as John is telling you to be, which is absolutely what it's going to take, I think your dad, I don't think you need to involve your, I don't see

a reason why you would need to. I say this in love because I've had these exact conversations with my parents. I mean it's like we are so close. And because – and when you have a real close relationship, there can be a lack of respect for boundaries. That's right. And it's like I will be as direct as you. I'm like we're not doing that. I don't know how else to say it.

That is not happening. And if you're willing to be that direct, I think you will get through. But you can't tiptoe around this, Janice. Like you've got to say, why did you do this? I will tow it away. This is not happening. And you've got to be that clear. And I can't say, are you absolutely crazy?

Well, when you do that, you are evoking emotion. And you're trying to, I'm going to contradict myself here. You're trying to hit him back. And I just said you're punching a bully in the nose, which is you want to take the absolute most dignified high road here because you're dealing with a child. And just say the facts. Like you always say this. Just say the facts. There's no reason to say, are you crazy?

Because it doesn't matter. Even if he is, it doesn't matter. It's irrelevant because that car is not coming to your house on Christmas. And as long as you cover that, this car is not coming to our house on christmas or it's getting taken away by a tow truck it's gonna get towed and that would be embarrassing for you but like as long as you're that clear then you don't have to have any of those slams you know what i mean like those jabs and this part always sounds fun and empowering when you talk to somebody about boundaries and they'll walk away be like yeah i'm, I'm going to – make no mistake.

This will cost you. It will be hard. Oh, I know. Because most people who try things like this garbage are immature psychologically and spiritually. He'll throw a temper tantrum. It will – well, then I'm not doing anything and he's not going to call you on your birthday. It will be all kind of manipulative nonsense on the back end of this deal. That's where your husband and your close community of friends

will really be, I would say that your friends are your emergency fund for life. That's when you're going to have to lean on folks because you have a father figure who's acting like a four-year-old, right? Yes. When you understand the back end of holding your boundaries is going to cost you something, whether it's relational, whether it is a pity party, whether it's actual money, because he's supporting you in some shape, form, or fashion, which he's not anymore, then hold your boundaries. Hold your boundaries firm and don't look back.

Yeah. You got this, Janice. Good luck. Stay strong. Don't let him manipulate you. Parents. Your child, your Christmas, your family. Your grown-up kids be grown-ups.

Support and love them. I feel like we could do a theme hour on Boundaries, Deloney. I feel like this needs more digging into. I want to be Henry Cloudsville, 20 million books. Maybe for a different day. All right, I want to thank producer James Child, associate producer Kelly Daniel, my co-host Dr. John Deloney,

and you, America, for listening. This is The Ramsey Show. Have a friend or family member that needs a daily dose of Ramsey advice in their life? Let them know about the Ramsey Call of the Day podcast. It's a quick hit of advice about life and money in under 10 minutes. Check out the Ramsey Call of the Day podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.