The Ramsey Show - App - Resentment Is the Cancer That Can Kill Any Relationship (Hour 1)

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

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Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions Broadcasting, from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is The Ramsey Show. It's where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life. And I'm Ken Coleman, host of The Ken Coleman Show on The Ramsey Network, joined by my colleague, Dr. John Deloney, host of The Dr. John Deloney Show on The Ramsey Network. You see a theme? Yes, we are a part of Ramsey Solutions. And that means we engage with you to help you get practical solutions to get ahead in the most important areas of your life.

If it's about your life, we're here for you. If it's about your money, we're here for you. If it's about your relationships, if it's about your work, we are here for you. You're not where you want to be in your work. You're not where you want to be in your relationships. You're not where you want to be in your money. Well, that will be our focus. Dr. John Jelani, always good for the opportunity to hang out together.

We have a lot of collaboration, turns out, on our show. A lot of people calling about similar things. And when it comes to toxicity and not being happy in their work, it turns out there's some connections between that and your relationships. And not being happy with you. Yes. With that person you see in the mirror. Yeah.

It's true. It's uncomfortable. Yeah. And you take it to work with you, and you take it to your marriages, and you take it to your parents. You take it everywhere. All kinds of data out there on to your marriages, and you take it to your parents. You take it everywhere. All kinds of data out there on that. So John and I are going to talk about that.

One of the things that might be fun, let's throw out some scenarios for people. Because on our shows, we know where people are hurting. Right. Give me two or three scenarios. People right now, they're hearing us, and they go, huh, I need some help with that. Man, I'm getting flooded with calls from moms and dads whose kids can't stay at home anymore. Yeah. They've been staring at a screen for a calendar year.

Yes. And now you're watching bipartisan medical experts from across the country at a university hospital saying enough is enough is enough. Yeah. The downstream effects of these kids. And so how do you continue to parent your kid when they're breaking down? How do you continue to parent your kid when they're breaking down how do you continue to be married how do you continue to love somebody who has different opinions and thoughts about the stuff going on the world today so relational issues and man our lives were crazy and a mess before the last before 2020 hit they're already a mess and so this is just exposing some

cracks in our relationships and our mental health and our physical all that stuff all together right yeah what about you man well i'll tell you what how about some people who want to get a bigger shovel as dave ramsey has said for years how about how about you're you're in the baby steps you're working you're going ken i i've always wanted to do this type of work can i be in the baby steps paying off debt specifically and change careers in order to make more money. The answer is yes. So we'll take on some of those strategic moves. How about that? Love it.

How about some people who are just stuck? Yeah. They're just like, man, I've got a job. I'm grateful for it. Yep. But I want more. Yeah. I want to see meaning in my work.

We'll take on some of the things. How about some toxicity? We take on, how about we got a toxic boss, toxic work culture? I was just saying, thinking that, man. How about we take that on together? That's right. Because you'll talk about how to handle that emotionally and mentally, and I was just saying, thinking that, man. How about we take that on together? That's right. Because you'll talk about how to handle that emotionally and mentally, and I'll talk about, hey, what do we do?

What are the moves to make? So we always have a lot of fun on this show. I love it, man. I love it. So let's open up the phones. Here we go. It's a free call, as you know, 888-825-5225, 888-825-5225. Let's go.

Kirk is going to start us off in Denver, Colorado. Kirk, how can we help? Hey, Dr. John. Ken, thanks for taking my call. You bet. So I have a question, Dr. John, about dealing with feelings of resentment. And basically, I've been married for 10 years. We have two kids.

And we have a wonderful marriage and relationship. Five years ago, the business that I started moved from where we live about an hour, 45 minutes, two hours away. And so I've been commuting for those five years about 800,000 miles a week and 20 hours a week. And initially, you know, it was a gradual thing. We're going to, you know, move the business up there. Then we're going to, you know, grow it. And if it grows and if it happens, well, everything went according to plan. And so now I'm in a position where i've asked her can we think about moving um the last couple years putting our heads the answer is the resounding no and so as we as i as

i drive every day i'm building resentment and so i telling her that's the death of our relationship and you know it's a comparison thing where every time she adds something to her plate, whether that's, you know, coaching or something extracurricular, it asks me to come home earlier or it asks me to do something on the weekend that I don't necessarily want to do because of the commute, because of the issues. So you said two things that contradict each other. One is we've got this beautiful relationship, and two, I've got this resentment

that is building every mile down the road I get from my house. Every time she says, I need you to come home early, which is a two-hour commute for you. There's something bigger going on here than just this commute. What is it? Well, I think it's that she values, I feel like she values other things, the reasons for her staying, which is her job, the kids, where we want them to grow up, her family's here, over me and over my success and my grind that I'm doing.

So here's the thing. I don't think that's necessarily that binary, but you are exactly right. What I'm going to tell you is your marriage is on red alert right now. You have made this into an either or. She's forced you into an either or. It's not that. But in the nerd world, we call it fundamental attribution error. When you get in somebody else's head and decide why they're making the decisions they're making

or why they're not making the decisions they're making, and then you go to war with your own explanations of why somebody else is doing whatever it is they're doing. So here's the thing. Your marriage is in trouble. I'm not going to mince words with you. And, again, you can pipe in here. You can't work two hours from your house and commute every day and be a present father and be a present husband. And at this point, you're a paycheck and a courier.

And that is not – that has no legs on a long-term relationship. Yeah. Here's what I would tell you, Kirk. You need to figure out what your professional options are that might make this better. And to what John said, you are projecting some real feelings that you're having onto her. And I think you've got to sit down and say, here's what I'm feeling. And let her say, well, that's not true. But have you considered that when you ask her to move and uproot to be closer to your work,

that you are asking her to do some things that she's afraid of? Right. And so she has some very real feelings on the other side of this reality. So one reality is this makes it better for you and your life easier. But that same suggestion makes her feel like, oh, I don't want to do that. Instead of, hey, we've got to be a big boy. And I'm going to tell you, you need to be the leader here. You need to be the person who puts your feelings aside for a moment and get some facts. Hey, Kirk, let me ask you this. What's more important to you at this point? If I told you, you got to quit your job today

and find a job closer to home or your marriage is going to end? My marriage. Of course. There you go. I knew you were going to say that. So at some point, you guys got to get across the table from one another. At this point, I'm going to tell you, I think you should get a neutral third party. I think you guys need to go see somebody.

And y'all have stopped communicating. And then when you stop communicating, it falls into an either-or. When it falls into either-or, then it's you versus me, and now we've gone to war. And no marriage can survive that. Your kids don't deserve that. She doesn't deserve that. Man, you don't deserve that. You deserve to be connected and loved.

Resentment, I think, is the cancer that will almost kill any relationship if it's not rooted out. So get after this. Do what John said. Be a big man about this. Come up with some other options. All right. Wow, we're just getting started, folks. Don't move Be a big man about this. Come up with some other options. All right. Wow, we're just getting started, folks. Don't move more of your calls about life. This is The Ramsey Show. You've got a lot on your plate, a job, your home, your marriage, and your growing family.

While you're enjoying the present, you can't help but think about your future and your finances. As you explore your options, consider Christian Healthcare Ministries, or CHM, for your health care. Their generous maternity program and budget-friendly monthly programs have been a blessing to members welcoming children into their families. Visit chministries.org slash budget to see if it's right for you. That's chministries.org slash budget. Providing you hope for a better future and practical steps to make that future a reality. This is The Ramsey Show. I'm Ken Coleman, Ramsey personality, host of The Ken Coleman Show on The Ramsey Network, joined by my colleague in studio today. He's Dr. John Deloney, host of The Dr. John Deloney Show, also on The Ramsey Network.

It occurs to me that people must hear that and go, wow, you spent a lot of time and money on those show names. It takes hours of people in the room. And man, you're probably like me. I had so many awesome, like The Laser Show probably like me. I had so many awesome, like the laser show. I mean, I had so many cool names. The laser show.

I would have liked that. The laser show with Dr. John DeLumbe. Would that be? Feels like a Vegas act. See? Yes. Like you would be on a stage with lasers. I just had so many great titles.

Glad we didn't go with that. Did not work out. All right, folks. We're here to take your calls. We're going to take your calls on money. We'll take your calls on your relationship, mental health, emotional health. We'll take your calls on your work. Are you doing work you love?

Do you want to move up, get that bigger shovel? Are you dealing with some toxicity at work? John and I can combine a lot of these, and we will. Speaking of, how many of you out there right now are in a position, maybe because of the pandemic, that you are needing a better job or maybe you are listening right now and you're saying hey I want to make a transition so that I can move up the ladder I want to get that promotion if that is you or you know somebody that is in that boat I'm'm very excited, John, to announce that Ramsey Solutions and myself are combining again

for the second version of Get Hired. We did this event in June last year in the middle of a pandemic, trying to help people who were displaced. Here's where we sit. There are 16 people unemployed for every open job in the United States right now. That's a shift from February of last year where there were more jobs available than people

who were unemployed. So we are relaunching. We're bringing it back for a second spectacular night, April the 27th, 8 Eastern, 7 Central Time. I'll be live here with a small and really fun, vibrant crowd here at Ramsey Solutions Headquarters, and we'll be beaming this all around the world. Tickets start at $20. So think of if you've got three to five people in your life that need this, that'd be a great gift. $100 in your budget this month will give people the edge

because the economy is warming back up, but it is still very competitive. So we're going to go through the first three stages of my seven stages to meaningful work. Get clear, get qualified, and get connected. All for the purpose of getting hired. It's going to be a great event. Again, get your tickets at DaveRamsey.com slash events. Tickets start at just $20. That's DaveRamsey.com

slash events. It's going to be a really, really fun night. So tell everybody you know that needs, wants, to move up, move on, in their professional work. It's going to be a great night. This may be awkward, but I probably need to get one of those tickets.

Oh, really? Yeah. Looking for a new job? I don't think I'm doing very well. I think it'd be great to... I think you're doing fine. You can teach me how to get connected. I think you're doing quite well. Hey, I have a question, just a personal question on that last show.

You've handled this question way more than I have. Do you have a recommendation for folks, for families on how far somebody should commute to a job? Well, there's no set answer, but it's a philosophical answer. So I'm not going to say it's 90 minutes or two hours. I think it is when it begins to go from okay, we can do this, we've adjusted to this to this is putting a strain on

our family. Gotcha. And that requires intentionality. Intentionality and communication. We've got to talk. So it might be okay for six months. It might have been okay for the last six years. Now the kids are older, they're more in sports. So I'm going to leave that open to say I think as a married couple, if we're in tune

and we're paying attention to everybody in the family and for whoever the spouse is, whichever one of the family unit is doing the long travel and so they're not there as much. And the other person who is having to operate. Do more. Everything. So it's gone more and doing more. Whoever's gone more, how's that affecting everybody? Because they're not there.

They're leaving earlier, getting home later, whatever. And then whoever's having to do more as a result of the one who's gone more, if it begins to now, this is a strain, we need to adjust. You've got to adjust, yeah.

That's my formula. How does that fit with the mental and emotional health? I think most people don't do the hard work of sitting down with somebody that they care about and expressing how they care about and expressing how they feel about something. I think we avoid hard conversations

for so long that you just keep getting in the car and driving. And I think most of us don't actually know what it is that frustrates us, what it is that's driving us,

what feelings we're actually having about stuff. And so I get home and I'm frustrated at my kids or I'm frustrated at this. Actually, I'm frustrated

that I miss folks and I've been driving for 45 minutes. You make a very good point. And I want to add to my answer because you just addressed something. It's not just the strain on everybody else, but if your heart's hurting too much. That's it, right? That's what you just described. Because eventually, that's going to come out the way you described. You're angry at the world and yourself.

And eventually, I think you're angry at yourself. My heart's hurting. I'm doing this to me. I got to that point. I'll tell you, early on when I did the first version of the Ken Coleman Show back in Atlanta, I was on a local radio station Monday through Friday, and I was doing the 5 to 7 p.m. slot while the kids were three. I had

three kids under three. Well, you know this. It was 45 minutes away. I got home at 7.55, maybe 8 o'clock. You missed it all. They're already upstairs. Stacey was getting them out of the bath. One was asleep. And I got to tell you, after six months of that, my heart was hurting.

Those are the magic moments. You don't get those back. Yeah, so I went to the station general manager. I said, would you be open to me moving from 5 to 7 to 3 to 5? And thankfully, they were. That's cool. And you want to talk about a game changer. Yeah.

Your marriage works better. Your connection with your kids works better. And then you get to settle into that. So that's talk about a game changer. Yeah. Your marriage works better. Your connection with your kids works better. Yeah. And then you get to settle into that. So that's a real life example. Yeah. Mine, I've always worked very close. That's just always been a thing.

I want to be one or two miles from home. I agree. And now I've got more of a commute. Do your thing. You've got to do you. We just have to adjust, right? We have to adjust. And some families are fine.

We have some good friends that live in our neighborhood here. And he works in fine. We have some good friends that live in our neighborhood here, and he works in Atlanta. Wow. And every Sunday night, he drives to Atlanta. He comes back on Thursday. Gets home before the kids are home. So late Thursday afternoon, it's working right now. I talked to him the other day.

I said, how's your heart? He goes, we're good, man. We're good. So some people can do it. Right. But when your heart hurts or there's a strain that's when you know we got to make a change that's right love it 888-825-5225 is the number 888-825-5225 max is joining us in the big apple new york city new york max how can we help

hey guys how are you today well we're having a blast. How can we help you? All right. So I recently just got married last year, and my wife and I were 27 years old. We both worked, and we've been renting in Manhattan for about five years now. And I'm sure as you guys know, you pay an arm and a leg for rent in Manhattan. So we started talking about purchasing a home, and we make pretty decent money together. We have a nice chunk of savings combined, and we're just kind of lost as far as how much house can we afford. What's your income? Tell me your take-home, best as you can tell me. Our take-home? It's tough because everything gets taken out automatically. We do like $210,000 combined gross.

Okay, $210,000 gross. Alright, and how much do you have in savings? Between the both of us, it's about $830,000. Whoa! Now when you say between the both of us, uh-oh, do we have separate accounts here? She holds the both of that.

Well, you guys got a pronoun problem here. Y'all are married, so that's y'all's savings. Well, you guys got a pronoun problem here. Y'all are married, so that's y'all's savings. Yeah. You can't separate that, brother. Yeah. It needs to be joint accounts. You said how much?

$830,000? About $830,000. Okay. Not after the market day. Gotcha. $830,000. Okay. And what are you looking at from a house standpoint?

What have you guys... You guys have been out looking. You've either been on websites or you've gone out maybe and seen a few homes. What are you thinking? What do you think? We're looking anywhere from, I would say a million to one, two, but my wife is under, you know, the notion that, you know, she doesn't want to start her home. She wants to just be in the big house and call it a day. And I'm looking more for let's cut it back by a couple hundred thousand. Let's grow our family and start. And, you know, we could always move up if things go well for us. All right, well, we've got to handle this real quick.

I'm going to let John address that real quick, the communication piece. Here's what we teach at Ramsey Solutions, okay, that you need to – the amount of house you can afford and should afford is 25% of your take-home pay. But now you've got $830,000 in the bank. Do you have any debt, yes or no? No. Okay, great. Then there you go.

You've got a huge down payment. You guys can get house, but I would still be conservative. 25% of your take-home pay. John? Sit down and don't let this be a deal-breaker between we want the big fancy house and the starter house. Y'all sit down and have an honest conversation with one another about what you're trying to do. I'd much rather see a young couple like y'all be out of debt, buy a house you can afford and have no payments. You got a big down payment you can dump on there and then grow your family over time.

Move up in house as the market allows. Yeah. Get on the same page. You guys are in great shape. Congratulations. Big down payment. Be conservative and grow the same page. You guys are in great shape. Congratulations. Big down payment. Be conservative. Then grow.

All right, don't move. More of your calls coming up. This is the ramsey show coming to you from ramsey solutions worldwide headquarters in nashville thrilled to have you with us dr john deloney my colleague joins me ken coleman we are ramsey personalities we host uh host shows entitled The Same as Their Name. What is the word? Eponymous? What's the word?

It means the same as the name, the same. You know what I'm talking about? It's a very fancy word. I'll look it up later. It's the word you just said, but I can't pronounce it. I'm not sure I've said it right. I'm embarrassed myself. Yeah, Kelly's a word nerd.

What is that word? Can you look that up? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's eponymous. Eponymous. Hippopotamus. It's hippopotamus. Hey, folks, we're doing it live here. Every once in a while, you throw a word out, and you're like, I think I said that right, but I'm not sure, and I care enough to address it. But nonetheless, what I was meant to say is he's the host of the Dr. John Deloney Show. That would have been easier. It would have been easier. And I'm the host of the Ken Coleman Show on the Ramsey Network.

And so John talks about your mental and emotional health as well as relationships. I talk about doing work that matters deeply to you, working on purpose, which, by the way, coincides with living on purpose. So we also talk money as well because this is Ramsey Solutions and the Ramsey Show. So we're going to talk about your life. How can we help you? 888-825-5225. 888-825-5225.

Let's go to San Diego, California next where Jacinta joins us. How can we help? Hey, Dr. John and Ken. Thank you for taking my call. You bet. Me and my husband, we are on baby step two we are 69k in debt we have four kids under eight we are a navy family my husband's a sailor and i myself am looking to just make my shovel bigger i i have my bachelor's degree um i did that while

we were stationed in virginia for a while raised the babies, got my bachelor's. But now I'm looking to just kind of advance a little bit and apply it to the accelerated nursing program. It should take me about three years. I have some core nursing courses to take and then the 24 months of the nursing program to do. Okay. So what's your question? My question is, if I should even do it. We have four kids.

My husband's in the Navy. He deploys next year most likely. And nursing school is just a ton of work. I know what it takes. My friends went through it, and I'm nervous about it, but I know I can do it. We do have help of the family back home here in California, and I'm wanting to use a GI Bill.

Like I said, we're 69K in debt, and part of that debt is a student loan, which I will never, ever do again. I'm not even thinking about that. So thinking the GI Bill might help us a ton with that. Of course it will. And then that, go ahead. Well, here's the deal. Do you want to do this?

Yeah, you don't want to. Because when somebody calls up and asks you this question, I can give you thoughts. But when someone says, should I do it? That means you've already got a thought. You've already got your answer. You might have two answers. You might have a head answer, and you might have a heart answer. Do you have one answer, or do you have a head answer and a heart answer? And what is the answer? What

is your answer? Well, to be honest, I want to just make my shovel bigger because being a stay-at-home mom, I work at Target right now. I make 15 an hour. I'm getting minimal hours, maybe 20, 25. And I want to do better for myself. You know, I've been a mom. My kids are all under eight. I've been a Navy wife. I want to kind of put myself first. My head goal is to be director of nursing, and I know that's going to take some time. Okay, hold on.

So here's the deal. You want to be director of nursing. This isn't just a job for you. You gave me the just a job. I want to make more money. I want a bigger shovel. I want to do this, this, and this for my family. That was the answer you just gave me. But I want to make more money. I want a bigger shovel. I want to do this, this, and this for my family. That was the answer you just gave me. But I want to know the hard answer.

When you choose nursing, I think you chose it for a specific reason. And when you say things like, I want to be a director of nursing, I want to lead other nurses, is essentially what you're saying. There's a why behind that. Tell me the why. To make more money. Okay, so it is just a job. It is just a job. This isn't work that you're deeply passionate about. You don't have a deep desire to be a nurse. This is not something you've always wondered about.

Yes or no? Yeah, but I've never really got to explore what I'm passionate about. I mean, I've worked a little part-time job, and I don't really know. I'm more of a mom, and that's kind of been my main passion. I think you do know. Let's take nursing out for a second. Let's take all the things. You've just really done a great job laying out all the things you've got to do and why you would do it. And there's a good economic case that you've made. But here's what I want to know. I want you to suspend your brain just for a few seconds. If you knew you could not fail, you didn't have to worry about

child care, kids. It was just this fun work adventure. Everybody was fine in the family. Everybody was taken care of and you could go do this work. And you didn't have to commit to it for the rest of your life, but it was going to make you more money and you were going to be successful at it. What would you try? I know I want to do something in the medical field, but you're right. Nursing, I don't know if I can do the hands-on with the patients. I've been at CNA, and that kind of shows me that I have that love. So here's the deal. I'm going to push you a little bit.

So I'm going to push you because you're really doing great. Your heart's starting to reveal the answer. What would you do in the medical field? Forget about title. Forget about how possible it is. What would you do? Big fun adventure. Ken and John get to put me on it. What would you do in the medical field hands on go say it

i would be director of nursing i would do it i want to do that okay well should you want a leadership role i want a leadership role yeah i want to do the hiring part i want to do the office all right i want to work in a hospital. I want to work with people that help, but in order to get them to help, you have to hire them. You have to direct them in the right space and lead them, and I want to be on that part of the end of that. So here's the deal.

We got all the way around, came back to it, and you just blurted it out. I want to be in the medical field. I want to be hands-on, but you're more not the medicine, but you're about the people. Right. Yeah. Great. So here's the deal. Yeah. You got to become a nurse in order to eventually hire and lead nurses. So the answer is yes, but here's what I don't want you to feel the pressure to do. You don't have to do it right this second. Maybe the question with you and your husband tonight over dinner or a date on the weekend, John, I want you to jump

into this is when is the right time to do this with the kiddos? You do have the child care. It feels like you've gone through a lot of these things. You do have the GI Bill, which is huge for you. You can start to make progress now, but I would just make absolutely sure when is the right time to do this. My answer is your answer, which is yes, you should do this. Don't doubt it. The question is when and how. As your husband is getting deployment orders and he's going to be going overseas next year, how much are you feeling in your heart that he's doing this big, huge thing

and you feel like I'm just a mom and there's $69,000 that I could be helping on? He's going to do this stuff. You're good, Dr. John. You're good. That's exactly how I've been feeling. So listen, your husband's a stud. You know this, right? Yeah.

He's listening right now on his way home. He's a stud on behalf of your family, on behalf of his fellow soldiers, and behalf of my kids who he's never met. And Ken's kids who he will never meet. And you're a stud. Yes. You are taking care of four humans under the age of eight. I would call you a superhero.

That's a weather event, right? Every day. And so do you guys have 69 grand between the two of you? Yep. Do you have it? Yeah, you do. Do you have to solve all that like Ken said right now? No.

There is an industry that exists to make moms of all types feel less than. Oh, you want to be a full-time mom? You should be working. Oh, you're working? You should be at home more. Oh, you only have two kids? You should have 11.

You had 11 kids? What kind of selfish person are you? You can't win, so get out of that game. One other thing. Get rid of the guilt there's some guilt you're holding i'll let john take care of this but she's got guilt on her like a giant blanket for her debt is this is this debt yours did you bring the student loan debt into the your marriage yes i did and um another one is his type r he has a sports car that i'm like

sell your car but then i feel like maybe he deserves it, but then it would help us. That's our lowest bet. He's listening right now. You just dropped a... That was very well played. Yes, you should sell the car. Sell the car. Listen, he married you

because he loves you. You're a great mom. You're a great soldier's wife. We need you as much as we need him. Put the guilt down. Y'all come up with a plan together to pay this debt off over time. I don't think four kids and a deployment is a great time to go back to grad school. It's going to be a wild ride.

You can't do it, but it's going to be busy. Hang on, Jacinta. Kelly, let's give them a free trial to Ramsey Plus. You two need to get together. Get into Ramsey Plus and get together on the process of financial peace and get that baby step working. Work those baby steps and get out of debt and get on the same page with your vision. Before you know it, that $69,000 is gone.

And you guys are doing what you want to do. Sell the car. Sell the car. Sell the car. Ramsey Show continues in just a moment. Welcome back to the Ramsey Show. I'm Ken Coleman, joined by my colleague, Dr. John Deloney, as we take you through this hour. 888-825-5225.

888-825-5225. What do you need some help with? You need to get something off your chest. Come on. The doctor is in, and then I've got an opinion or two as well. So it's a nice combo. We'll talk about money. We'll talk about emotions. We'll talk about work. How about all three of those? Money,

work, mental, emotional health, parenting, schooling. Parenting. Oh boy. The advice is worth exactly what you pay for it, which is awesome. How about this one? I get this one a lot. John, I've had in the last week on the Ken Coleman show, I've had two couples call in together.

Because I've been telling them, hey, because I get a lot of spouses will call in and say, hey, my spouse is not happy. Yeah. They're miserable at their work. They don't like it. They feel down. They've been out of the workforce for a certain amount of time. They're depressed, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, and they're trying to help.

I said, well, get them on. Yeah. Because on the YouTube, I'll go, I'll tell you what, play this back. I'm going to talk to them. What's their name? I'll look at the camera. All right, Larry, listen to me. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Love it. And so we'll do that today. You know, if you need help connecting with a spouse. Well, I love it. How do you encourage the spouse to do, give them that nudge of confidence? How do you help them but not push them? That's right.

That's a tricky thing too. So we'll take it all. Well, and if you've got someone who loves and cares about you and you've given them permission to speak into your life. Ken, this happened to me this week. I was walking through our bedroom, and my wife stopped me, and she said, you will stop talking to my husband like you've been talking to him the last two weeks. I'd slipped into just some negative self-talk, running my mouth about myself,

and she said, stop. Stop. I love that guy, and you're going gonna quit talking to him like yeah boy it was just a good call yeah man i've been right and i wouldn't have heard it i would have just thought my thoughts were right because we always think our thoughts and our own emotions and feelings are right and i got to snap out a little bit and yeah so yeah i love it when somebody calls and says i love somebody who i'm sharing a house with and they're not good and i don't know what to say how do i help them?

It's a tricky situation. That's right. I love it. Yeah. So we'll take those calls as well. All right. Caroline joins us in Greenville, North Carolina. Caroline, how can we help?

Hi, Dr. John and Ken. Really appreciate you taking my call. Sure. So I'm calling because I'm feeling a little bit burned out and i need some advice um basically in a nutshell i'm i'm 52 my husband's 55 we have two girls one is about to finish college and the other one is going to college in about a year. We have, during the pandemic, we've managed to pay off our house. Wow. I know, I know.

And I'm a respiratory therapist, so I travel. So that's part of my thing that I want to talk to you about. I try to stay close to home. I go to South Carolina. I go to the middle part of the state and work in the hospitals there. I also last year worked up in D.C. for about three months. And in between, I would come home for a few days and then get right back out to it. We were so focused for two years trying to pay down our home and then the rental property. And the goal was maybe to pay off the other rental property. And then we looked at everything

and I just said, why don't we just sell these two properties and then our house is paid for, and then we can just breathe. And we were very were very fortunate we used one of your elps and within two weeks both of our properties were sold within uh within uh um about two months everything was completely paid off you are debt free i mean a hundred percent oh my goodness just felt so i can feel you smiling through the phone. It's so good. Yes. Yeah, that happened in October. And, you know, we'd worked really hard just paying that down.

So basically we paid $80,000 down. We were working on the next $80,000. And, you know, so basically in two years we paid about $160,000. And that allowed us to, by selling those two properties, the house was completely paid for. So what's causing you to feel like you may be burning out? What's going on? So we have really, you know, I have to tell you, your budget app, I just can't say enough about it. I was pretty organized with everything.

We had everything down on paper, but it was the day-to-day stuff like the food, the groceries, the miscellaneous stuff, and that has really helped us. So anyway, that really just kind of ramped it up. So now everything on paper looks good. We seem to be good. But Carolineoline you started off the call caroline listen to me i'm trying to get you and i feel like you might be dodging this a little bit why do you feel like you might okay i'll tell you what it is i'll tell you what it is so i love being home but i also love the money that i'm making yep um. And my family loves it, too. Yeah, sure. So I'll just tell you in a nutshell.

I know what it is. Can I guess what it is? Caroline, I'm trying to help you because we've got to get to this. I think your heart's hurting really bad. All this travel. You love the job. You love the work. I'm tired.

Well, you're emotionally tired, John. I think her heart is just spent. And can I put something else on top of you? You are about to lose your last kid. You're about to be an empty nester. You just cleared this major hurdle. And your other daughter is about to be gone from college. And all this transition is just whirling and turling in your soul, in your home, in your husband's heart and soul, everywhere. I have a question, Caroline.

Can I tell you something real quick? Really fast. Okay, so I work three months doing a contract. I can take off time and I just haven't. Do it. Caroline, alright, you told me. I planned a trip in July. Caroline, listen to me.

Caroline, listen to me. I got a question for you. Can you listen to me. Caroline, listen to me. I've got a question for you. Can you afford to quit this job right now in this season of life? It's a yes or no answer. Yes. Then do it. Yes. We have almost $400,000.

Caroline, Caroline, quit. You have a limited amount of time with your last baby. Before she goes off to college, John nailed it. And that's what your heart is telling you to do. Your brain's going, well, you got a really good job. You make really good money, and we got lots of toys, and we actually can buy more toys. We can do a lot of things now that we've been sacrificing for so long. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Let me tell you what you need to do. You need to listen to your heart. And Caroline, your heart's telling you to quit, take some time off. Take a break. Yes. Listen, once the last baby flies out of the nest, then you can think about reentering and doing something that's close to home.

But Caroline. You can do something even bigger than that. You and your husband can say, it's just you and me, babe. Now what? Yeah. That's right. We're a little over halfway done here because y'all are both going to live to be 110. Yep.

We're a little over halfway. What do we want this to look like? What kind of work we to do do you want to go back to traveling yeah but you guys have gazelle sprinted and if that gazelle keeps sprinting and sprinting the lions don't catch him he just dies of a heart attack yeah exactly so so take a breath and that's what i'm seeing in my patients, my population. And that's what I was kind of like, oh, my gosh, I have got to slow down a little bit. Well, you called because you were looking for permission. John, she was looking for permission. I've had this call a thousand times on my show, and I'm just going to tell you, granted. Permission granted.

Your husband may miss the paycheck. He's going to love getting his girlfriend back. He might. He might be a little irritated when she tells him to pick up his socks. But that's good for him. That's fantastic. Because she's been in and out. And this is going to not just... I'm not so much worried about her being

physically tired, John. I'm worried about the emotional. Because there's a lot of emotional capital, calories spent trying to get out of debt well and sacrifice and especially in a job that's all about secondary traumatic stress where you are living in the pain of other people for a profession right that wears you out wears you out you can take some time to get well go for walks be with your daughter absorb that last time help your other daughter transition from college i'd said you know what i think she needs to do

caroline i think you need to set some fun new things. I think you need to announce your resignation to at least your family tonight and then do it the right way, which I know you will. You'll be classy and leave well. But, John, I think she needs a standing nail appointment or standing something day spa with the last daughter. She's going to create an event at her breakfast with my daughter. Love it.

And she's going to tell her, I know you don't want to go. I'm your mom. You have to. It's the last semester before you go. We are hanging out every Monday.

That's just going to be what that is. I love that. And it's going to be great. Oh, I love that. Caroline, you're a rock star. Congrats to you and your husband.

You are debt free. So cool. So now you can live and give like no one else. Awesome stuff. Hey, I want to thank our producer, James Childs, our associate producer, Kelly Daniel, and my colleague, Dr. John Deloney. But most of all, we want to thank you, America.

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