The Ramsey Show - App - Setting Boundaries Around Toxic Family Situations (Hour 2)

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, it's the Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create actual amazing relationships. Jade Walshaw, Ramsey personality, is my co-host today. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Marcus starts this hour in Los Angeles. Hey, Marcus, how are you? Hi, you too. Thanks for having me on. Sure. What's up? Yeah,
Starting point is 00:00:46 I'm budgeting for a wedding. We're in the final steps. I talked to my dad, the biggest person asked me, what would Dave say? So we talked through that, but then I wanted to ask you and see what would Dave say? Okay. You said your dad's what? He sanity checks my ideas, so he asked me what would Dave advise in this case. That's neat that you guys have that kind of relationship. Pretty cool. Okay. And so how much is the wedding going to be? So the wedding's going to be $80,000. This is everything, dresses, venue, housing. And then we're getting family support for $30,000. So out of our pocket, it's $50,000. And what do you guys make?
Starting point is 00:01:35 Combined, it's roughly $340,000 a year. Okay. All right. And you have the cash? We have the cash. We don't own a home yet, so this decision delays buying a home. And you both looked at each other and said that out loud. Yes.
Starting point is 00:01:56 And that's a tradeoff you're both willing to make. Yes. Okay. I look at these things in ratios to start with when i hear an eighty thousand dollar wedding the first thing i do is pass out and i have to wake up but um but after that then i say okay you know i'm really happy to hear your numbers are as good as they are so the average wedding in america today is $34,000 annually. I mean, $34,000.
Starting point is 00:02:29 And the average household income is about double that. And so if we say the average person in America spends half of their annual income on a wedding when they get married, then you're not spending half your annual income, right? But it probably would change. Like, if the average person spends 10% of their, I'll just make up a number, 10% of their income on food, when you make a half million, you don't really want to spend 10% of your income on food
Starting point is 00:02:55 because you'll be big as a house, right? And so that wouldn't work. So somewhere these ratios start to break down, but like now possibly, but you can afford to do this you're paying cash to do this it is not an unreasonable ratio as a percentage of your uh of your income uh and then you're willing to look at each other and say we're willing to spend you know on this one day and delay our house that doesn't sound right when you say that out loud but it's not the end of the
Starting point is 00:03:33 world if you want to do it you can afford it so how long would it delay because you do have a good income i'm imagining there's maybe some money saved in addition to this. So how far does it set you back? So I don't have a great answer on how far it sets us back. We're not in the immediate house hunting stage. Step one is to get married. Of course. So it's unclear to me exactly how much it sets us back. I would guess it's setting us back by four months to six months.
Starting point is 00:04:03 That's nothing. No, it's more than that. But how old are you two? I'm 30. She's 29. Okay. You're living in Los Angeles. So, and by the way, when I asked that question, yeah, I would say before, you know, I would not buy a house in the first year of marriage anyway.
Starting point is 00:04:19 So I wasn't intending to rush you. I just wanted to know, you know, what your sights are set on as far as that's concerned. This is doable. It's not insane. The fact that it causes you to gulp a little bit makes you want to stop and go, okay, what's my motivator? Why is it that I can do this? Like, I've got a friend that makes $10 million a year. His daughter got married.
Starting point is 00:04:43 They spent $100,000 on the wedding. Whoopee. Okay? no big deal right um but it's still shocking to those of us you know that are like regular people and so um and that's kind of what your situation is you you're you know you're spending a shocking amount of money on a wedding um but it's not it's not mathematically insane does that make sense does this include the honeymoon trip as well the trip does not include the honeymoon with points from credit cards which we should get rid of I don't think we'll end up paying much for it. I revealed the skeletons in the closet. Sorry about that. The truth serum came out.
Starting point is 00:05:30 Yeah. Yeah, I think if I were you two, I would just want to look at each other and say, why we are spending three times the national average on our wedding. Why? And if you can answer that question looking at each other and not say because I'm an immature princess and I just want it and I'm going to stomp my foot and have a red face,
Starting point is 00:05:58 which I'm not accusing you of, then if you can answer that question logically and go, hey, it's something I've always wanted to do. We like a big party with family and friends which is actually what my friend said that spent a bunch of money on his kid's wedding he's like our family likes to party we like to celebrate big milestones this is a fun thing and uh that's why i work and i've got the money shut up and um you know that's great it's a valid answer it wasn't it wasn't coming from some kind of entitlement or weird stuff or
Starting point is 00:06:26 something you know so as long as you got all that stuff covered i your your math is not insane it's more it's three times what most people do but you make more than three times what most people do so you can afford to do it that's the idea that's the answer. And, Jade, you know, that's a good segue almost into a lot of answers to questions. You know, it's sometimes in the neighborhood I grew up in, people would say stuff like, no one needs a car that nice. You ever heard people say stuff like that? Of course. No one should ever, dot, dot, dot.
Starting point is 00:07:02 You ever heard people, they usually say it with that country accent. Yeah. But it's like, you know, but nobody ought to. Nobody ought to. No Christian ought to. I mean, everyone knows that the accord is the Christian car because Jesus said they're all in one accord. Oh, my Lord. So, you know, anything better than a 1993 accord is not Christian.
Starting point is 00:07:22 We know that. Nobody ought to spend that they're starving children in the world that is called haterade that's exactly it's bitterness and it's envy and so i had to kind of work through that once i started knowing wealthy people who were good people and they had nice stuff and i'm like okay like a buddy another buddy of mine made 17 million and he drove up in a $480,000 Lamborghini. I need to be friends with these people. Like, sweet.
Starting point is 00:07:52 You know? But if you do the ratios, I mean, so take a zero off, it's $1.7 million, and you buy a $48,000 car. Or take another zero off, you make $170,000, and you bought a $4,800 car. It's nothing. It's the same ratio. So, of course, he should buy that car. It's nothing. It's like you and me buying a biscuit.
Starting point is 00:08:20 This is The Ramsey Show. Jade Warshaw Ramsey Personality is my co-host today. Thank you for joining us, America. We're so glad you're with us. Hey, guys, the private student loan refinance is available. If you've got private student loans, you can refinance them with y refi now if you don't know about these guys we've been advertising with them for a while and um i just started hearing and there's all this chatter again it comes and goes about the government forgiveness of student
Starting point is 00:08:56 loans and it just never really happens and you still sit there with your student loans and of course government forgiveness is all about federal insured student loans. It's not about private student loans anyway. So the average interest rate's with YREFY. It's the letter Y-R-E-F-Y. The average interest rate, if you've got a private student loan with them and you refinance it with them, is 3.9%. So a lot of you have got private student loans and you're getting hammered with these guys so uh don't don't do it go to uh why refi.com slash ramsey y r e f y.com slash
Starting point is 00:09:35 ramsey and jay that makes a huge difference when you can get that lined up oh 100 because those private student loans they they can get in the double digits. And if you're behind, they can even take that loan over, reset it, and get you going fresh. Oh, that's excellent. And quit destroying your credit. So it's a big deal. Ed's with us in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Hi, Ed. Welcome to the Ramsey Show.
Starting point is 00:09:58 Hi, Dave. How you doing, sir? Better than I deserve. What's up? Yeah, our church is growing growing and we're being blessed. They're wanting to build a bigger sanctuary. Being a financial peace graduate,
Starting point is 00:10:11 this sounded a little off to me, but they want to do one-third in cash, one-third in pledge, and one-third in loan, which will really work out to be two-thirds loan until the pledges come in initially.
Starting point is 00:10:26 So using debt to grow a church is the question. Okay. Well, to start with, let's be very clear that this is not a salvation issue or an issue of blasphemous or something like that, okay? Right. I've got friends all through the church world that borrow money in their churches, and they're still friends of mine. They know I don't agree with them, but they're still friends of mine,
Starting point is 00:10:55 just like I have friends that borrow money to buy a car. They're still friends of mine, okay? So it's not that kind of a thing. But my question or my – I would want to make two major points in this, three. Number one, I don't think you're going to stop them. I don't think I'm going to stop them because I don't think they care what we think, okay? So they're probably going to do this. It's probably not going to stop.
Starting point is 00:11:17 But conceptually or if we wanted to discuss it as if we could discuss it, first thing I would say is I can find, and I've studied it for 40 years, I can find nowhere in Scripture that there's one single positive reference to debt. Every time the Bible mentions debt, it is a negative connotation. Again, it's not blasphemy. It is not a sin is not at that level but there's all kind of the borrower is slave to the lender you know uh there's a lot of mentions of fool around the word debt um and it's a curse when Moses is not able to take the children of Israel into the promised land. Joshua instead does. God says, you know, here are the blessings and here are the
Starting point is 00:12:14 curses. And the blessings, if God is blessing you, you will be a lender to other nations, a giver to other nations. If not, you'll be a borrower. It's one of the curses. And so it's a curse. And it's all those kinds of negative things mentioned because you're doing something you don't have the money to do. It's pretty simple. The other thing, then, is how does that play out when we escape the scriptural or when we sidestep the scriptural discussion of this?
Starting point is 00:12:42 Because you really can't find it in there. Larry Burkett used to say there's no place in Deuteronomy where, you know, the Israelites were hemmed into the valley by the Amalekites, and the Amalekites are getting ready to kill them, so they did a bond issue, and they beat their way out with pledges. It's just not in the Bible anywhere. God has never, in his word, he has never used debt to cause his kingdom to expand. It's never once in there. As if your church is the only place that someone can meet Jesus, and if we don't build this sanctuary, they're going to go to hell.
Starting point is 00:13:14 That's absolute arrogance. Okay? Absolute arrogance. It's not in the scripture. Now, aside from that, the other problem you get is that, well, before I leave that, Larry Burkett also used to say, and I've experienced this personally, that what happens is a lot of the men, sometimes the women, in the church that are successful in business are appointed to the elder board, the deacon board.
Starting point is 00:13:49 And so it's not unusual for your governing body inside of a church to look like the chamber of commerce. It's a banker, a car dealer, an insurance agent, whatever. And so they then start to run the business of the church the way to run the business of the church the way they run their business in the world. Rather than using Scripture to make the decisions, they use their MBA to make the decisions. And that's a theological breakdown right there, a doctrinal breakdown. You shouldn't run a church the way you run a business.
Starting point is 00:14:23 There ought to be some overlay. There ought to be some leadership skills, that kind of stuff that there is an overlay on. But operationally and the financial principles are not the same because it's a different calling. So now back to the other. So that's all under the heading of it's simply not scriptural. You can't find it in the Bible. Now, the second thing is, how does that play out in the real world? Well, 50,000 churches in America have now taught Financial Peace University.
Starting point is 00:14:51 So you might guess that I've had this discussion before. You might even further guess that we've got an amazing amount of data of what happens. The amount of times that a pastor is no longer the pastor 36 months after the building project and capital campaign it's like 85 percent wow 85 percent of the time the pastor has gone within three years after a major capital campaign and building campaign for one reason or another and it we can't necessarily tie it exactly to that but they just it's it puts a strain what you're doing you're putting an entire strain on the entire organism called your church and part of that is the head of the church or the the leader of the church the pastor and it's um it's a big deal where i've the other hand, have had the wonderful experience of being around
Starting point is 00:15:45 churches where they went the other way. The church I attend merged with a local church and took on, at that time, seven and a half million dollars worth of debt that the church they merged with already had, and our pastor said, we're going to pay it off in 14 months, and they did. Raised money to do that instead of building buildings and they're doing a 40 million dollar project right now and they raised 100 of the capital zero debt not going to go back in debt not because i go there but i might go there because of that hello uh and might have something to do with it so take it a step further so this is ed's church so if if they if the church goes ahead and does this a third pledge a third cash a third loan if you're attending that church
Starting point is 00:16:30 and you're listening and you go man i agree with what dave said what do you do you participate as a person who's attending the church do you say yeah you know i'll pledge you know i'll give my i'll pray about it and i'll do whatever God lays on my heart. Or are you, Dave, are you like, I'm not contributing to that? Well, there's two types of giving that we do, tithes and offerings. Tithe is a tenth of your income going to your local church. That's not a negotiable for me. Right.
Starting point is 00:16:57 If I have to not tithe because I don't believe in the church, it's time for me to leave the church. I got to go to a different one. Okay. And I would not leave a church over this. No, I i wouldn't either uh i mean i just but usually these pledges are obviously i'm not going to donate to the campaign if it involves debt because i'm not going to give the money that god gave me to manage so they can give it to a stinking bank okay there you go because stinking banks are just that they're stinking banks oh dave i love when you
Starting point is 00:17:23 just drive a hard line in the sand it's just you, you know, and that's why the Ramsey Family Foundation doesn't donate to ministries that run debt. I didn't know that. That's great. That's one of the things that Denise has to look at when we're going there. Do y'all run debt? We can't give to you because you're giving God's money to a stinking bank. Wow. Can't stand stinking banks. This is The Ramsey Show. Thanks for joining us, America. Jay is with us in New York City. Hi, Jay. How are you?
Starting point is 00:17:56 I am good. How are you doing, Dave and Jade? Better than we deserve. What's up? So I'm calling regarding I started, I read your books early on in my career and I started following the steps and then got married, just did not make a, me and my ex-spouse did not kind of align on our same financial values, but just kind of moving forward to today. I'm 40 years old. I'm divorced, mostly due to financial reasons, just different alignment.
Starting point is 00:18:31 But right now I'm in a situation of rebuilding my life back. And I started going back through all the baby steps and I skipped step one because they already had more than $1,000. And I started focusing on step two. And then I started jumping between step two and step three because I was trying to build a six-month sort of like emergency fund in case I lose my job. I work in tech. I'm a product designer.
Starting point is 00:19:07 And the industry for the past few years has been sort of volatile where it's like six months I don't have a job, and then I have a job, and that's the year of not having a job. I still have to pay more. You're in tech and you went six months without a job? Yeah, it happens. Not really. I have friends right now.
Starting point is 00:19:28 I mean, kind of. You can't find tech people, man. I got six jobs on the board right now trying to hire people. It kind of depends on whatever you're trying to do. I have friends right now currently that are from Google and Microsoft that are still unemployed and it's been eight months. So it happens, you know. The market's kind of flooded.
Starting point is 00:19:52 So anyway, you're skipping between. So you're making up your own plan. How can we help? All right. So I'm not making up my own plan. Yeah, you are. You're not following ours. You're doing yours.
Starting point is 00:20:02 That's okay. How can we help you? I'm just jumping between. No, you're made of you're not following ours you're doing your own yours that's okay how can we help you i'm just jumping between no you're jumping between but the concept of a baby step is you don't move to one till you get to the other one and you start with a thousand dollars and anything over a thousand dollars that you have you put on the on baby step two and you pay off your debts smallest to largest that's the concept but if you're not going to do that it's okay you can do whatever you want to do how can we help you you? So I got that anxiety, and I built out the fund. And then now I've been focused on step two fully.
Starting point is 00:20:29 I paid off my car. I paid off all my credit cards. I have no debt. You're 100% debt-free now? Outside of my mortgage and my student loan. Okay. So now you're on baby step three. I'm not 100% out of debt because I'm still paying my student loan, which is $70,000.
Starting point is 00:20:46 So that was my last full focus, right? So I was like, that's what I'm going to focus on. Okay, Jay, how can we help you? But I just need my consumer debt. Well, that is consumer debt, honey. But anyway, how can we help? So my mom went into debt on her credit card card and I started helping to pay her credit card. I take care of my mom and dad.
Starting point is 00:21:11 They live with me. Are they, because they're ill? They are ill. My mom recently just had four strokes in three months. Oh my goodness. Not well. Okay. And they don't have any money? They don't have any money.
Starting point is 00:21:26 They don't have any money. They only have Social Security, which is $600 per person. So I'm kind of... And then she spends money... I cut up her credit cards. She only has one that I'm aware of
Starting point is 00:21:42 that I just go, okay, if there's anything you need, just as long as I can watch it. Just cut that one up too. That shit probably. What does she need? She buys weird things on Amazon and Amazon has that one click buy thing and it's just like random things show up to my house. So she doesn't, my point is she doesn't need anything. How old's your mom, hon?
Starting point is 00:22:06 My mom is 76 and my dad is 84. Okay, I'm going to sit down with them tonight and I'm going to say, Mom and Dad, I love you and I'm here for you and I'm going to take care of you under this condition, under this condition, that you're going to assign the Social Security checks to me in return for rent and I'm going to feed you and give you a place to live, and you're not going to use any debt at all, ever. You're not going to make a mess here.
Starting point is 00:22:31 Because those people aren't going to get paid. When she's borrowing money, she doesn't have the money to pay them. She's stealing. Because she doesn't have the money to pay them. It gets more complicated. Okay, how could it possibly be more complicated? So I started paying $1,500 a month to knock out her credit cards quickly. Why?
Starting point is 00:22:48 $20,000 worth of debt. Don't pay them. Don't pay them. Bye. Well, she went ahead and reached out to my older brother going, I feel bad causing your little brother so much burden. Can we just consolidate this into a lower payment? And they worked out something and he got a Citibank loan. But his agreement with my mom was that he, me, will pay the minimum payment,
Starting point is 00:23:14 which is $500. That has nothing to do with you. A, that has nothing to do with you. The brother got involved. Now he's created his own mess. That is between him and your mom. Here's the thing. Your parents are getting up there in age. They have zero assets whatsoever. I would take the credit card so she cannot spend on it anymore. But what debt is left there, when the time comes and she goes and leaves this earth, there's nothing there. That debt is not going to fall to you. Because there's nothing.
Starting point is 00:23:42 It's going to fall to his brother because his brother wasn't paid the money. Yeah. And again, that's why I said that's not your problem. Well again that's why i said that's not your problem right but that's not your problem it's your brother's problem but it because of family politics and i just don't and then this is another thing with politics and then something watching your show it's don't borrow money from family i would have never agreed to this setup because now I have a son and I've had child support. And anytime I try to do an activity with my son, why are you doing it? You're adding yourself to the situation and you don't have to add yourself. By the goodness of your heart, you said, mom, dad, you can come live with me. I agree with Dave that you take the social security
Starting point is 00:24:21 checks, cut up the credit cards, and these are the stipulations in which you can live with me and I'm happy to take care of you, period. And if you want to use the Social Security money each month to send it over to your brother to pay that bill, that's fine. That's your prerogative. But don't let them run up any more money, honey, because every time your mother borrows money, she's stealing because those people are never going to get their money.
Starting point is 00:24:39 Never. Because she's broke and she's ill health and she's approaching 80 years old. And when she dies, they get nothing. So when she's borrowing money and they're going to get it back, that's stealing. Because you and I know they're never going to get their money. And I'm not going to participate in her doing that. That's wrong. It's morally wrong.
Starting point is 00:24:59 And you're not liable for any of this. Nope. So what you need to do is get your freaking act together, including paying off this ridiculous student loan, and use your emergency fund to do that and get yourself on a budget and set your parents' issues over to the side. You are not responsible. If you want to take them on and feed them and clothe them and house them,
Starting point is 00:25:20 that's fine. You've got $1,200 a month to your budget to do that, minus whatever you decide to send your brother for the stupid mess he made. But you guys have got to quit running this stuff in circles. You're taking each other down. You're all going to go to the bottom of the ocean and drown together if you keep this up. You're just creating this whirlwind.
Starting point is 00:25:38 I mean, this funnel, and it's just going around. You're going right down the toilet together, riding around, going, whoopee, look at you, look at you, you you're stupid everybody pointing across the toilet at the other one as they go down the drain gravitational pull yeah and it's like you did it no you did it no you did it no you did it and and it's like jeez and i would have never agreed to that and all this crap just say no we're not doing this calm everything down all and quit putting your money in the middle of this stuff yeah because he mentioned he has child support you got to take care of that baby and you got to get yourself straightened out and you're very generous to offer to take care of them but uh it doesn't sound like you're really doing it out of
Starting point is 00:26:22 the goodness of your heart it sounds like you all have a ridiculously toxic family and you got pulled into it for that reason. So you guys need to relook that whole situation, set some fresh boundaries, get some help with the relational aspects of this and you need to really draw some lines, man. But definitely do not use your money for this. Definitely.
Starting point is 00:26:43 You didn't cause the mess and you got a big enough mess of your own. This is The Ramsey Show. Jade Walshaw, Ramsey Personality, is my co-host today. I'm Dave Ramsey, your host. Jade, when Rachel Cruz was a brand new baby, can you imagine that? Little Rachel Cruz was a brand new baby. Can you imagine that? Little Rachel Cruz. Her older sister was two and a half, barely walking, good.
Starting point is 00:27:13 We put these wonderful little angels to bed, and their mother and I were watching a perfectly good TV show. We glanced up the top of the stairs. The toddler is standing at the top of the stairs with the brand new baby in her arms, bringing her down the stairs to us. Because as you might imagine, Rachel Cruz was making noise.
Starting point is 00:27:42 And Rachel Ramsey at that time. And, yeah, I did the same thing you're doing right now. For those of you looking deeply into the radio, Jade is gasping and holding her. Clutching my pearls. Clutching her pearls that this is not going to go well because we all know that the weak can't help the weak. Oh, that's so good.
Starting point is 00:28:07 Adults should carry children down the stairs, not toddlers. Broke people can't fix financial problems for broke people. Y'all get the metaphor yet out there? there hello look deeply into your podcast and get this when you're broke and dysfunctional taking on the rest of your broke and dysfunctional family is not going to make you less broke and dysfunctional it's going to make you more broke and more dysfunctional so if you're i i'm not ever i have been broke and dysfunctional and at the same time and separately at times so i know what this looks like i'm not above that and everybody gets a different starting place some people get a better start out of the gate than other people 100 they you know jade was saying you know at the break you know thank god i my mind allows me to make decisions
Starting point is 00:29:13 and i can see things clearly and not everybody gets that starting point that's right you know but it doesn't matter where you start you can choose from today forward to make different decisions because you know down inside of you you can feel it when your stomach tightens up and those muscles across the back of your shoulders tighten up that you're getting ready to do something stupid and then later on when it turns out to be stupid, you know when you look back, I've done this and all of you have done it, you know when you look back and you go, you know, when I was doing that, I was thinking this is stupid, but I went ahead and did it anyway.
Starting point is 00:29:55 How many of you can, everybody testify, amen, right? I mean, everybody, right? Everybody's done this. So the trick is to stop that pattern because the proverb says a wise man sees danger and stops a fool goes forward and suffers for it so i get that right if i come out of a background a family if you come out of a background or a family, or you come out of an area of the country, or a socioeconomic way of thinking, whatever it is you're coming from,
Starting point is 00:30:33 you have the right to put the negative parts of that in your rearview mirror. You have the right to say, I'm not going to think that way anymore. I'm going to do this other thing this way. And that may mean that some of the people around me are not going to understand when I make different decisions. Because I remember one of the famous things that you say, and it's because it grabs me around the throat every time you talk about it is, and you talk about this in your book um that that
Starting point is 00:31:05 around your family they had a saying and you had to say okay i'm not going to have that saying yeah talk about that we ain't got no money that that was the phrase that was the phrase that was the reason that we couldn't go forward and you know we ain't got no money we ain't got no money it was the answer to everything the answer to everything in all the various forms i ain't got no money. We ain't got no money. It was the answer to everything. The answer to everything in all the various forms. I ain't got no money for that. You know, I ain't going to do that. And it was just the constant, you know, kind of stop the door slamming in your face. And I think that to your point, Dave, no matter where you come from, those things, they get inside of you and they feel like they're part of you until you rip them out.
Starting point is 00:31:41 And that is painful. And you say things like people like us yeah ain't got no money yeah people like us that's the way they do it i don't know what people like us but if there is a people like you whoever you are listening right yeah and you can you can you can say okay people people that come you know people that are come out of this type of the situation this is yeah and it's like a buddy of mine said he grew up in the hood and he said you know getting out of the hood is easier than getting the hood out of you. 100%.
Starting point is 00:32:06 That's what I'm saying. It gets in you and you, you have to do the very hard work of separating yourself from, from that previous identity, you know, cause I used to look and see people. And it's not looking down on someone. No. It's just saying that crap don't work. Well, it's like you said, it's a different starting point. Some people came into the world and you know, if you were a second generation ramsey person your parents taught you sense with money and
Starting point is 00:32:30 taught you a sense of had a better starting line than i did that's right and i had a better starting line than my dad that's right and so on you know and so that's one thing you want to give your kids is a better starting line but it's not just math no it's it's the ability to make decisions of the wisdom the ability to look at something and think differently the ability to think in abundance rather than scarcity yeah and really just to be able to take that moment like you said where something occurs and you you take the moment to reflect on that and go you know what like you said i felt that that wasn't right or i felt that something about that didn't feel right. And when you take the moment to reflect, then you can go, okay, next time a thought like that pops up,
Starting point is 00:33:11 I can kind of grab it before it makes me go in the wrong direction again. John Maxwell uses this example. He tells the story in terms of a leadership story, but it also applies to this discussion. Years ago, before laws were the way they were now, these researchers in a psychology department put a group of chimpanzees in a room, a big pole in the middle of the room with some bananas at the top of the pole. If a chimpanzee would climb up the pole to get the bananas,
Starting point is 00:33:44 they would take a water cannon, a fire hose and shoot him, knock him off of there. Every time a chimpanzee would try to climb the pole to get the bananas, they'd knock them off. Different ones would look around, they'd talk about it, they'd huddle, they'd make all these decisions and finally a brave one would go up again, boom, gets knocked off, boom, gets knocked off, boom, gets knocked off. And then pretty soon they didn't have to shoot the water cannon. If one tried to go up, the others would pull it down. Because they said, we know what's going to happen to you if you try. And then they changed the chimpanzees out a little bit at a time to where after a while,
Starting point is 00:34:20 they had changed enough of them out that none of them in the room had the memory, the communal memory of the water cannon knocking them off the pole. They didn't know why you weren't allowed to climb, but it was just people like us don't climb. And so if someone tried to climb, the other chimpanzees would pull them down, and they didn't even know why. It had been ingrained into the community. And so that's how this stuff can work in such
Starting point is 00:34:46 a negative way and a family can do that a family system that's broken can do that they'll pull you back down and they don't even know why don't even know why oh hey that's so good that's so true it's so so true and you know in the south people will say stuff like you're getting above your raisin you ever heard that one no that's different that's different that's different that just means you're it means you think you're too good yeah you think you're too good you think you're too good you're getting above your raisin has nothing to do with raisins in a box it's like the way you were brought up the way you were raised and so you're getting above your raisin and so yeah that means you think you're haughty or you're getting above your raisin and so yeah that means you
Starting point is 00:35:25 think you're haughty or you're you're you're something else oh yeah it's like and i always and after a while when i heard somebody say something like that i thought yeah absolutely that way that is absolutely the freaking goal that's that's exactly what i want to do and by the way it's what i'd like for my kids to do. And I'd like for my grandkids to do better than that. Yeah, absolutely. Every one of you ought to get above your raisin. I know, that's right. Wow.
Starting point is 00:35:51 Everybody, because these toxic systems in a community that are based on scarcity and fear and lies and mythology, and the community could be your family, the community could be the area of the country, the type of folk you were raised with whatever they'll tell you to fail and we just spent the last seven minutes telling you eight minutes that you don't have to fail i don't know where you start from but i do know where you're going not everybody's got the same starting line but they all got the same finish line get after it boys and girls get it get you some I'll see you next time.

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