The Ramsey Show - App - Should I Look for a Job With Better Benefits? (Hour 2)

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

George Kamel & Dr. John Delony answer your questions and discuss: "Should I look for a job with better benefits or better pay?" What Gaslighting actually means, The best way to use health insurance, The Damar Hamlin injury and how to deal with trauma, Helping a friend with crippling anxiety. Have a question for the show? Call 888-825-5225 Weekdays from 2-5pm ET Want a plan for your money? Find out where to start: https://bit.ly/3nInETX Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts: https://bit.ly/3GxiXm6 Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Девочка-пай Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Pod's moving and storage studio, it's The Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money. I'm Ramsey personality, George Campbell, joined by my good friend, Dr. John Deloney, and we are taking your calls about just about everything, mental health, money, life, career, boundaries, whatever's on your mind, we're here to talk about it. 888-825-5225 is the number to call. And Marty is kicking us off this hour in Charleston, South Carolina. Marty, welcome to the show. Hey, thanks for having me. Absolutely. How can John and I help? I have a question. It's time for me to get back into the real world with a job, and I'm curious what might be better for me to go after a state or local government job with less pay and more benefits, or go back to, um,

a private sector, um, to where I, um, maybe make more wages, but, um, might have to pay a little bit more, um, as far as, uh, the benefits go. Where have you been? Um, a small business that didn't take off as well as I had planned. Very cool. So you got in the ring, you took a couple of swings, and you got knocked down. So now you're like, all right, I fought that dude, and he's pretty tough, and so I'm going to go get another job. Yeah, something like that. Good for you, man.

I started a small business with my buddy in August, and he ended up passing away in October. Ah, dude. I'm so sorry, man. So you got grief on top of grief, man. Yeah, it's been a struggle for sure. Yeah, man. How old are you? My wife, I'm 34.

Okay. What about your wife? My wife and I, we've been preying on it the whole time because I had a decent job at a construction company as a diesel mechanic. And my buddy was like, hey, man, I want to try going out on my own. Would you come and work with me? And I was like, sure, I'll give it a shot with you. And I was about ready to pull the plug on it a shot with you. And, uh, I was about ready to, uh, pull the plug on that cause things weren't going very well for us. Um, and like I said,

he passed away in October and, um, two or three days after he passed away, we had got, um, a large, um, check from a job that we had finished. And so I sat down with my wife and I told her, I said, listen, I said, I can take this money. I can catch us up on a few bills and I can go ahead and put all of this in my name and give the business a shot. And, um, I'm just under me, um, or I can put it all in the bank and, um, and I can go back to working for the man. Um, and we thought on it, we prayed on it. Um, but unfortunately there wasn't a whole lot of time and she supported me trying it

and it's been a good run, but just not good enough and it's to the point now where the bank accounts are getting a little bit lower than we both would like and so I've accepted defeat for now and I'll go back and, and work for the man. Um, I'm just trying to figure out what would be best.

I have, um, try to get wise counsel from my family and half of them say, you know, go and, and work for a government company because, um, the benefits are great. Uh, your wife is pregnant and that's not the only kid that y'all plan on having. And then, um, some of, uh, my other family and friends, they say, man, go back for where the money's at. It'll help you bounce back quicker. And, um, I've listened to y'all for about a year or so now, and I have, um, the complete money makeover. I have the baby step millionaires and, um, I know that, um, I can have retirement, um, later on in life, in life through other ways than a government agency.

However, I never really paid much attention to the benefit side of it before. Marty, the way you're talking, it sounds like you're just defeated, you're beat down, you're going to make this move from a place of fear and weakness if you're not careful. And I want you to do it from a place of fear and weakness if you're not careful. And I want you to do it from a place of strength. And so I want you to stop talking that way about yourself, about the idea of work. It sounds like, well, man, I got to go work for the man down at like, I want you to find something that you love to do. And naturally, you're going to get paid well if you're good at that. And it's not an either or in my mind of do I do it for the benefits of the pay? The private sector can provide both. We've got great benefits here. It may not be the same

as the government benefits, but you can create your own benefits when you get paid 30% more. It's less of a feature at that point. So I don't want you to weigh this apples to apples. I want you to look at this whole thing differently. You've boxed yourself into a corner where the wisdom you've received is it's either this or it's either this and as george said either one sucks it's just not true and i do want to man take what george said and just mash on it i could go home every day and be like i gotta work for the man the man is dave and he just takes it all out of me. Or I could say, dude, I get to learn how to play guitar

from Eddie Van Halen. I get to sit by one of the goats of radio and learn how this thing works and learn how he runs a business and have access to all these different opportunities and get to be with some great editors and I write a book. All of that is

perspective. And I'm doing the same job every day. And so you can say, I got to go back and work for the man. Or, dude, I got in the ring and I took, man, my partner passed away. I tried it on my own. I didn't make it. I'm going to go back and retool. I'm going to learn some new skills.

I'm going to get back in the game, see what the young kids are doing these days. I'm going to get back in and somebody else is going to pay me to learn how to do this. I'm going to work really hard for them. You see the difference in the attitude? My whole voice changes when I talk like that. See what I'm saying? Absolutely. I do. My thing is, I know the business can do well. I know it can. My grandfather told me that I was backed into a corner from when I tried to take it over after my buddy passed. He said I was already in the hole, and I did a fine job, so it's not really defeat. But my fear is if I go after a state job, that you have to be in there for a certain amount of time in order to reap the benefits of those benefits. And what I'd really like to do is I'd really like to go back to work for a company for maybe five or 10 years until my wife and I are out of debt with the mortgage. And I saved up my emergency fund again. I saved up a cushion for

the business. I bought a few more tools. That way I could try this venture again. Why are you calling us? You know what you're going to do. Go do it. Go do it. Okay. Listen, you got hit in the mouth, real hard. You lost a friend. You lost a business partner, man. You got a lot of transition.

So it's natural to doubt yourself and then be unsure of the next step. But the way you just laid this out, man, you know exactly what you wanted. You know exactly what you, stop asking people for wisdom. You've asked a thousand people. Hey man, what do you think about, you know, you know what's right for you and your family. Go get it, man. Marty, we're going to give you one more tool in the tool belt there. And that is Ken Coleman's Get Clear Assessment,

as well as his best-selling book, From Paycheck to Purpose. I think that's going to help you really figure out what that next thing is. So hang on the line. Austin will get you both of those resources, and we're wishing you the best, man. Thanks so much for the call. Hey, more of your calls coming up, America. Don't go anywhere. 888-825-5225.

This is The Ramsey Show. We'll see you next time. Welcome back to The Ramsey Show. I'm George Campbell, joined this hour by Dr. John Deloney. And, John, you've got these Questions for Humans conversation cards, and I have the Friends second edition. Is it safe to assume that I chose the right edition for us? I knew it wasn't Girls' Night. Workplace felt a little too formal.

I thought Friends was the next best. I see what you're reaching for. It wasn't couples. I'll allow it. Okay. I have hand-selected five cards here couples. I'll allow it. Okay. I have hand selected five cards here that we're going to play. Excellent. So on each card is a different prompt and it's a great way to connect with friends instead of staring at our phones all day.

Or to lo-fi create new friendships with people that you want to be friends with, kind of like you're doing right now. You're saying I should go to a coffee shop and just start asking people questions? I mean, it's kind of what you're doing right now you're saying i should go to a coffee shop and just start asking people questions i mean it's kind of what you're doing right now i just happen to be at work so let's go for it all right first question what activity recharges you what activity drains you oh uh well speaking right now um what's draining me i have a hard book deadline and it's just killing me it's killing me so that having a deadline at work that supersedes everything in your life, from family stuff, like just I got to get this thing done, that drains me. Just knowing it's out there just always haunts me.

When I wake up, I'm thinking about it. When I'm going to sleep, I'm thinking about it. Something that recharges me, it sounds so lame, but going to the gym, like exercise. I knew that was going to be yours. Hanging out with my kids, hanging out with my wife. Those things, low-key things like that really re-energize me. I love it. All right. For me, recharge. I'm going to go playing music, playing guitar and watching standup comedy. Excellent. Those recharge

me, drains me. I'm going to choose yours for recharge, which is working out. I'm not at the point where working out feels good and leaves me with more energy. I leave sore. I'm doing it wrong. And just sad and angry. Next, what life hack have you discovered that the world needs to know? Man, it's been several years I've been doing this and then I got off the train and I'm back on. Man, having a cold plunge outside,

especially in the winter, it is. And for those that don't know, the cold plunge is literally plunging your entire body into an ice cold bath of water. Yeah. An ice. Yeah. So you can get it.

They have fancy ones that I can't afford yet. I would love for somebody to send me one. It'd be awesome. The cold plunges. Or I just went to a tractor supply and got a trough and I fill it with water and it is freezing cold. I get to break the ice out, especially on- We're talking like 30 degrees in there yeah

it's pretty cold and uh man just sitting in there the adrenaline rush and the dopamine really it's pretty amazing our life hacks could not be more different mine was a toilet nightlight so that when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night you don't have to turn all the lights on it is uh it just turns on when you get close to it, and it lights the bowl. It lights your way. It lights your way. That's it. And it's a $10 Amazon. You can get them anywhere.

But it changed my life. We're going to be the best of friends, I can already tell. I can't wait. What's something you're avoiding right now? Oh, probably a conversation with my wife we need to have. That's not probably. Actually, we do. And I'm also avoiding, man, I've got to get get this book done so actually i was just telling you off here i rented a hotel

this weekend i'm gonna go sit down and crank this thing out i love it i am avoiding working out i got a fancy gym membership and i have gone i think twice in the last month my favorite thing is is you the the money part will kill you oh Oh, yeah. Like I'm wasting money. Oh, yeah. Like Planet Fitness, $10, you're like, whatever. But when it's like $100, you want to throw up every time that bill comes out. And you went, I went, okay, that was 100 times. Yeah.

Or I went once, so it was $100 gym day. That's how I think about it in my mind. You should. So I need to go more. I'm going to go with you, John. Well, I work at a house, so come on over. I'll be there. What is the last text message you sent?

Read it out loud. This was a dangerous one. All right. Here's mine. It was actually to you. Hey, John, want to hang this weekend? What was your last text? The last text I sent was no.

And that was in response to me. Correct. Perfect. That, okay. That's the last text I sent. Well, America, if you wanted to know what our real friendship is like, it is that. We don't have one. Wow.

We couldn't have planned that better. All right. Last one. What's a common phrase or saying that you have no idea what it means? Break a leg. I speak all over the country. You do too. Like we're up on stages and we're going up here like break a leg.

And I always think, other than like get projectile diarrhea when you're up there like i don't i don't i can't think of a thing i would want less than a broken leg i don't understand where i know it's got some like theater etymology and it's like well it actually means don't break a leg you know whatever all right uh mine's gotta be gaslighting i feel like it's the new cool thing anytime you don't agree with someone you're just like they're gaslighting me what does that mean john a narcissist the person is such a narcissist because they disagreed with you yes yes because they asked do you want cream in that coffee and you're like gosh you're such a narcissist let me be like dude yeah those two live my truth you're just gaslighting me no seriously

like you need a haircut that's not gaslighting now you need to cut your hair what is the is there an official like psychological definition of gaslighting how do you explain it like i'm five um how would i explain gaslighting gaslighting is man there's so many places you could go here's's what I think it is. Okay. How about that? I think it's when you are in an argument, but then the person who's kind of in the wrong makes you think you're the crazy one and that there's not even a problem here and that you're insane for even thinking there was a problem. Yeah. Gaslighting is really weaponizing your emotions for my benefit, right? I'm'm gonna use your feelings against you and so

it's a it's a way to make somebody feel less than and crazy for being human so uh somebody who's gaslighting you they will um they will text an old girlfriend and you will say hey it makes me feel uncomfortable when you like we're married you're texting an old girlfriend and you'll say hey it makes me feel uncomfortable when you like we're married you're texting an old girlfriend and somebody's gaslighting was like oh you're you're still struggling with your depression and you're you're still you need to work on your anxiety oh they flip it and it's it's it's a very natural feeling to be concerned when your spouse is texting an old lover um and so it's it's taking somebody's emotions and their feelings and it's weaponizing it and using it against them

as a as a means it's basically a reverse uno card i don't even know what that means you got to play more uno john come on we have you have a deck of cards you don't know what uno is i know give me a break gosh i just don't like if you if you want to grab a deck of these cars there's like 17 editions now and they're all super fun you can shop them all at ramsey solutions.com slash store it's going to help you connect with the people you care about the most we got friends parents and kids couples even the workplace edition and by the way they sold out we got had bajillions of requests they did sell out during the holidays and we are getting them back in. We actually got notified by a supplier like we're out of paper. Y'all have sold too many.

And so they are circling back. So we're coming back. Now's a good time to start a card company. I'm telling you what. I love it. Good stuff. All right. Let's go to the phones. The number to call is 888-825-5225. Jeremy is in Detroit. Jeremy, what's going on? How y'all doing? We are doing well. We're right up to the clock. Get straight to the question. All right. I just turned 36 and I had nothing to say for my retirement because I always was in a mindset, I'm just going to work until I die. Jeremy, talk directly into the phone, brother. I think I am.

Okay. There you go. Okay, that better? Much better, yeah. Okay. I just turned 36, and I don't have any retirement because I always have been working until I died. So I never bothered to save anything. And I'm starting to get out of that mindset now,

and I just want to know what the best way to save up for is. I've been following Dave Ramsey and guys on YouTube, and I have $1,000, and I've paid off three credit cards. I still have $12,000 in credit card debt that I'm working on paying with the snowball method, and I have a $13,000 car loan and a $9,000 personal loan. And I have a VA mortgage on my house and I owe $110,000 of that. Okay. So you're A1. Let's take the mortgage off the table for following the baby steps. Our next step is to get out of all that consumer debt, which means we're not investing a dime

right now. Until we're out of debt that consumer debt, which means we're not investing a dime right now. Until we're out of debt, until we have a fully funded emergency fund, then we can move on to investing. And you should be doing 15% at that point from your income into retirement. If you've got a 401k, you can also do an IRA and good growth stock mutual funds.

We've got tons of resources for you at ramseysolutions.com and an investment calculator to show you that you can still become a millionaire. You're 36, not 86. You've got your whole life ahead of you, dude. A long way to go, man. You're good. So the best time to plant the tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is today, and you are on the path, my friend. I'm going to send you one year of Financial Peace University to show you that it's possible. So hang on the line. Austin will gift that to you and go through that. Call us back if we have any questions. We are here for you, man. I'm George Campbell joined by Dr. John Deloney this hour this is the Ramsey Show

888-825-5225 you jump in in. We'll talk about your life, your money, your relationships, parenting, kids, whatever matters to you. We are here for it. Hunter joins us up next in Seattle. Hunter, welcome to the show. Hey, John. Hey, George. How's your Thursday going? Going great, man.

We're happy to talk to you. How can we help? Yeah. Yeah. So my question is on behalf of some friends that I have that I've been encouraging them to pay off debt for about a year and they made some really great progress. It's been super satisfying to see them on this path to financial freedom and away from this debt lifestyle. But my question really comes down to my good friend, his wife.

She has been unable to work since college for the last four years because of migraine. It's been really challenging for them. And while I've been able to help my friend get a better job to support him and his wife, that pays about 35% more and they've been able to make way on their student debt payments. They have really good insurance through their work. I believe it pays 90% to 95% of everything for medical insurance. But my question comes down to they only choose providers that do not take any insurance, any insurance, which has costed them several thousand dollars per month at some point, where it's really taken them away from paying off their student debt and kind of

away from this lifestyle that they want to achieve someday. And I'm just kind of curious, like, if somebody has a really good medical insurance plan, but they want to choose like a naturopath or a homeopathic provider who does not accept any insurance and it takes away from their debt, you know, their goals and their progress to paying off their debt. What do you usually recommend in that situation? So one time, Hunter, I was in a grad school class. It was a counseling class. And I asked my professor, hey, what happens when a client says they're going to go do something that I know is stupid? Like you're going to ruin everything if you do this. The client tells you, hey, I'm going to go do something that I know is stupid. Like you're going to ruin everything. If you do this, the client tells you, Hey, I'm going to go have an affair. And I know as a clinician, I'm not supposed to tell you, I think you're stupid. You shouldn't be doing that.

I'm supposed to help you think through the ramifications of the choices you're about to make. And my professor said something profound. He said, let them know I'm with you now. And I'll be with you during the divorce. And I'll be with you when you're splitting up your assets and you are figuring out where your kids are going to live. And I'll just be with you. And, but in that way, I can say, here's what's coming with what you think is a good decision right now. And so I would tell you, you have done a, you're a great friend who loves your friends and you have felt the success. You felt how good it feels to feel financially free and you've become a good, basically a minister for financial freedom, right? You're so like, you just want to tell everybody about it and just go prostitutes around, which I love.

And if you're not careful, you end up hitching your identity to other people's outcomes. And that's a recipe for you ending up in ash. Just going bananas. Okay. And so what I would say is these are your friends. They're grownups. They get to make whatever decisions they make. Yeah. You living out the principles.

And when they ask your opinion, like, so one of my rules is I've stopped giving, um, just, I would use do dice to be the worst. I'd go to parties and be like, I wouldn't eat that.

Or you shouldn't do that. Or man, I can't believe you talked to her that way. I can't. Dude, I was that guy. It was so annoying to be around. I was the worst.

So now I quit doing that. Now I just go have fun. And if somebody asks me, I'll say, do you want my opinion? And they'll say like, yeah, actually, I really want to know. And it happens much rarer than it used to. And when somebody invites me in, I'm going to, I'm going to tell you what I think, but only when I'm invited in. Otherwise I'm just going to go on about my day because I'm not, I am not responsible for another adult's outcomes. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I've never really, you know, I've never kind of stayed in my opinion with that.

It's just something I've noticed as I, you know, as we kind of read through Baby Step Millionaires together earlier this year. And it's just something that's kind of been heavy on my mind is I really want the best for them. And I want to see them succeed. You know, they are, my wife and I is probably some of our closest friends. So it's just, you know, it comes from a spot of just caring for them and wanting to be the best for them. No, dude, I think they're lucky to have you as a friend. I also think, man, getting in and making armchair medical decisions for your friends, like, well, this one's cheaper. You should, like, man, I just wouldn't go down that road.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I want to make clear i've never you know thought about doing that at all i just was kind of curious you know if you've come across situations like this and kind of like you know what's kind of the best path forward yeah dave dave has talked about uh dave just in a personal conversation george like dave was telling me that one of his buddies came over like dude you got it because dave's a car guy and he's like man you got to see this new car that i just leased and he's one of dave's best friends and he showed up to dave's house and the dave didn't go well let me tell you about the baby steps dan or like whatever he just like hey man it's a cool car dude and if he had said by the way was this very wise i can assure you dave would have let

him know what he thought about it but that wasn't the just looking at his car and so if your friends ask hey are we doing a dumb thing because we're trying to get a debt but also we're going to these bougie like uh you know concierge medicine moment well is there other alternatives that might they might be inviting you into that conversation but just from the outside in and i just i'd let it ride and let i just love my friends. And if they invite me in, then I'll, I'll give them my thoughts on it. But, uh, man, if, yeah, I'll continue doing that then. Yeah. I think that makes you a great friend, man. And, and just beginning to release the outcomes, man. Cause you can't own other adults' choices and decisions. Yeah. Great wisdom there. And Hunter, I appreciate the question, John, this reminds me of when, you know, the vaccine was this hot button issue and people

are going i'm going to lose my job and we talked about this a lot on air of going if this is a value you have this is a moral decision that you're going to make you have to accept the consequences of those decisions that's right but we're not going to sit here complain about go on facebook we just have to go okay that's what i'm going to do that's the choice i make the consequence of his friends doing this is it's going to take us longer to get out of debt. Yeah. And we have a lot more medical expenses because we're choosing to go down this path. And it sucks to see your friends do that because he wants the best for them.

He's got a great heart about this. But at the end of the day, you go, it's going to slow them down. All right. It's going to slow their debt freedom down by eight months. And that's the decision they made as a family. And I don't have any say in their finances. Yeah. And I've got friends that do like uh raise their kids a little bit differently than i do i've got same values in there but they

do this like i don't i'm not doing that and that's okay right that's okay whether like it it's if they invite me into that conversation then i will give them my if they're going hey man we're really struggling financially can you figure out any areas we can cut down you can look at this for me yeah i'd go yeah i mean it looks like you're spending a whole lot on healthcare. Is there any other way we could do this so that it's not? And I would also say this, I have for a couple of years, like I've got one of my closest friends in the world. She's a brilliant homeopathic doctor and I've called her for some very specific help for some very specific needs over the years. And I've gone to a functional medicine doctor

and I've gone to just like a doc in the box, right? So- Hold on, what is a doc in a box? A doc in a box? I'm so curious. Just like on the corner, like semi-emergency clinic. Sounds really sketchy.

Not like an urgent care? Yeah, like that. Oh, okay. I think there's like a stranger set up a little tent. He's like, I'm a doctor. You're like, me too, dude. You turn the little thing. It's like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

And a doctor pops up. No, like an urgent care. Just like, I don't know the doctor. I'm just going in because I need X, Y, or Z. So I think I would be careful about saying, well, you shouldn't be going to this kind of doctor. You should, man, I would leave that to the people's particular needs and between their conversation with their medical practitioners. That's good. I mean, there are some things you could do to help them with health expenses as far as going, hey, you know, if you load up your HSA, which you can put in the

money tax-free, it'll grow tax-free. You can deduct that on your taxes. There are some things you can do regardless of that. But again, that's in the weeds there. Yeah. But, man, it sounds like a great I would be lucky to have Hunter as a friend. I'll tell you that much. My friends are the opposite. My friends don't care. Dude, that's the car you're driving? Get something cooler. Yeah, that's fine. I can handle that. Well, hey, more of

your calls coming up on the Ramsey Show. The number is 888-825-5225. We've got to pay some bills. We'll be right back. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី This is The Ramsey Show. I'm George Campbell, joined by Dr. John Deloney. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Well, John, every time I turn on the news, we're seeing more and more about DeMar Hamlin

and that awful collapse during the game. And part of that is the trauma and everyone witnessing that trauma and kind of grappling with it for the first time. Yeah. Yeah, and I think the latest news we just heard just a few minutes ago is that he was able to talk to doctors now, and he's making tremendous progress, and everybody's really encouraged about his state right now,

which is awesome. But it's just one of those moments when collectively as a country, we just all saw something happen that was hard to, it was hard to watch like a young man and a father and a great guy and everyone around him

says he's a great guy, hardworking guy and everybody, we had to watch other big, tough grown men that we look up to. Man, they were weeping, they were buried

and they'd lost, they thought they'd lost their brother and so it was a tough, it was just a tough moment for all of us man and there's a usa today article that connects to the content that you're putting out there demar hamlin's collapse shocked viewers fellow players how to cope after witnessing trauma it goes on to say everyone saw the collision the collapse the cpr the ambulance the shock on players faces. Details were still a little wavy there, but experts say the trauma lingers for players, game attendees, and viewers watching at home, and they must process it before

it festers. And there's a head of kinesiology at University of Connecticut that said it's okay to not be okay right now. How do you guide and coach people on your show, kneecap to kneecap after trauma? I think I'll answer that in two ways. One is we have social media now. And so we can watch it all day, every day, replay and replay and replay. And here's another angle. And here's this. I remember when the war in Ukraine broke out, it was just this onslaught of media 24 7 365 and i usually have really good boundaries

i found myself just overly consumed i mean i was obsessed with it and then i realized i am i am taking this stuff in i'm taking in this fear and this unknown and this trauma and watching these bombs and all this. I'm watching all this happen. I'm experiencing this vicariously through my phone and I can't do anything about it. I'm not being asked to go to war. I'm not being, I'm not, I'm not being asked to do any of these things yet. I'm putting my body through the ringer. And so the greatest gift I can give everybody in this is to turn it off is to turn off and i'm not burying my head in the sand and i'm not so um when i heard about this i wasn't watching the game live i've been through it i've been seen enough people who have passed

away i've when you watch somebody get cpr live and they've had cardiac arrest you will remember that for the rest of your life because it's not like it is in the movies. It is a visceral experience to watch somebody who's going through cardiac arrest get CPR. I didn't watch this. I did stumble on it. Like I was scrolling through something and it would just happen to be there. And I realized, oh, that's what that is. But I chose to not put that image in my brain. Instead, I focused on saying, hey, you guys doing all right i i watched that game how are you right um and so that leads me to so number one is don't keep going back to the well on this stuff man like you just keep putting these images in your head and your head and your head and your head and we just have this culture it's like you've got to man or it's a privilege to turn it off yes

yes it is like i i am choosing to not put those images in my head over and over again. Somebody else's pain is not my entertainment. And number two is I'm going to talk about this, and we're going to have a conversation about it, not to go through details, but more, are you all right? Are you able to eat? Are you able to sleep? And out of a whole group of people, everybody's going to be traumatized. Everybody's going to be hurting.

There's going to be a lot of tears. One or two or three people may be really struggling with, man, I can't get that out of my head. I'm not sleeping. Okay. Like my body's super, super anxious, or this reminded me of my dad when he, you know, and those are people that need to get a little bit additional extra help, but there's a, it's, it's less about going through the details. In fact, there's some research that says, don't do a replay by play. Don't replay and replay and replay it. Um, tell me what exactly what you saw. And that's not helpful as much as, Hey man, I'm here with you and I'm hurting too. How are you? And

being really open and vulnerable with people, man, that's, that's, that's, it's just a social norming. That's the way to move forward there. Yeah. Good wisdom there and a continued awesome prayers for his recovery. Yeah. Man a remarkable i don't know i mean just across the board it's been pretty neat as again i'm so far removed for any of this stuff but just watching how everybody handled it i know there was gajillions of dollars that need this game needed to be played and they said hey we're gonna do the right thing by everybody and i just i applaud everybody involved in this thing from the coaches to the medical personnel and quite honestly the medical personnel that do 15 or 20 minutes of CPR and then put somebody a young man a really young man on a in an ambulance everybody's affected by these things

and I spent my a chunk of my career with the nurses and the doctors and the the folks who are living in this trauma and then rolling off the police officers it's tough man there's a number on people when you see that stuff. And it's just having people in your life you can sit down and talk to about it. Good stuff there, John. Thanks for your take on that. Thanks for bringing this up, man. Absolutely.

Let's go to the phones. Alex is up next in Austin, Texas. Alex, how can we help today? Hi, Dr. Doolittle. How are you? I'm good, man. How are you? Good.

We actually spoke on Instagram a couple days ago. I just finished your book, Redefining Anxiety. That's fantastic. Thank you. Thank you, man. We actually spoke on Instagram called Ezio. I just finished your book, Redefining Anxiety. That's fantastic. Thank you. Thank you, man. What's up? So my girlfriend has a severe case of anxiety that I've never really come across before. I've never experienced it. I personally don't experience anxiety in my own life, but we met at college about roughly two and a half months ago, and ever since then, her panic attacks have always been a... I'm not entirely sure what to do during them, and I'll rewind a little bit. I'm 23. She's 19, and I was diagnosed... I'm sorry. We lost you for a second there what did you say you were diagnosed

I was diagnosed brother Alex you're cutting out on us here let's see if we can get a better connection on you try now you still there it's in and out my friend alright so hey your call is important. I'm going to go ahead and put you on hold here.

The call is important, so I can't hear the back half of the explanation here. But your question, how do I love somebody who is really struggling with severe anxiety that's moved into panic attacks? How do I stay connected to somebody who is struggling with something that I don't struggle with and I'm not dealing with? I think there's a couple of important moments here. One is don't try to fix somebody. Like she's a broken car engine. She's not. Don't try to fix her. Instead of saying, how do I help here? How do I fix you? Ask yourself, how can I be with her? That's number one. How can I be with, not fix? The second thing is having these conversations beforehand. How can I best love you? How can I best be with you when you have a panic attack? Some people

when they have panic attacks need somebody to take them by the hand. George, one time I was pulled into our parking lot, and someone was having a panic attack in their car, and they were surrounded by people, which just, you know, suffocating. Makes it worse. And I just slowly walked to the car and grabbed that person by the hand and had them come out, and I put their hand on my arm, and I put their other hand on my chest, and we walked around the parking lot. Just walked, and I asked this person, tell me what color that grass is and let's count cracks and

just, I'm going to bring your body back here. Right? That works. Some people want to be left completely alone and let this thing ride out. So having that conversation ahead of time, how can I best love you during these moments is critical. So when they do set off, you already have a plan. And then the third thing is most of the time, barring you're talking, I think Alex, we lost you there, but I think you're talking about epilepsy. There is neurological conditions that mimic anxiety, which is great. It's not great, but they just are. So those are outside of the bell curve. Most of the time, anxiety alarms go off. It's just an alarm letting you know that you're not safe. It's letting you

know you're not safe, letting you know that you're disconnected, that you don't have a community, right? That your body has recognized that you're lonely or that you don't have any autonomy. You are being forced to live somebody else's script. And so beginning to ask yourself those bigger questions, how do I create a non-anxious life? And that's ultimately the goal, the path towards healing. What are these things that are making me anxious? I'm going to go right through them, right? And you do that with a good therapist and good counseling. Yeah.

Well, good summary of your book, Redefining Anxiety as well. Really enjoyed that. Clearly Alex did too. Hey, Alex, hang on the line here. I'm going to give you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, which really, it takes redefining anxiety

and creates a path, right? How do we create this life that can be one of healing? That puts this hour of The Ramsey Show in the books. Do you love a good day, Brandt? Want to see the latest Ramsey Show videos going viral? Check out your favorite moments from The Ramsey Show on YouTube. Go watch and subscribe to The Ramsey Show on YouTube. Go watch and subscribe to The Ramsey Show channel on YouTube.