The Ramsey Show - App - Should I Move Back In With My Ex? (Hour 1)

Episode Date: April 8, 2021

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Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studios, it's the Ramsey Show. Where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. Dr. John Deloney, best-selling author and Ramsey personality, host of the Dr. John Deloney podcast, which is exploding across America in a good way, is my co-host today. So you can talk to him here on the air as a part of the show. The phone number is 888-825-5225. We'll talk about your life, your money, and your life. Dr. John is known for helping people with any kind of mental health type things, relational type things. And so answering questions about boundaries and in-laws and, you know, life when it happens.

And it does happen to all of us. So if you want to call in on his show, you can always do so at 844-693-3291 or email askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. The phone number here for today, and there are a couple of lines available, 888-825-5225. Greg is in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Hi, Greg. Welcome to the Ramsey Show. Hi, how are you doing?

Good to talk to you. You too, sir. What's up? Got a question. I'm 47. My wife is 66. And we started very late in life in trying to save. We just paid off all of our debt except for our house. Good.

So my question is, combined, we bring home about $130,000 a year. Phenomenal. Should I take everything and slam our mortgage, or because of our age and we're starting late, should I put more of that into ETFs or mutual funds? Well, I would load up your retirement accounts, 401ks, Roth IRAs, and anything where there's a match or anything where you can get a Roth first. I've got a Roth 401k at work. They match 3% up to 6%, so I'm maxing that out. Good. And then this year we just started a Roth IRA for me and a Roth for her.

Good. And we're maxing that as well. What I want you to do is to stop that when it gets to 15% of your household income. Okay? Okay. And everything above that then goes to what we call Baby Step 5, Kids College, if that applies. If it doesn't apply, then we move right on to Baby Step 6 and dump anything above 15% going into retirement that we can scrape out of the budget

as extra payments on the house. What typically happens in these situations, and you can run the math out on your situation if you want, but what normally happens is the home's paid for in about seven years. That's where I had figured six and a half. Okay. And that's with putting 15% of your income into retirement? Yes.

See, there we go. Okay. And that's why, because here's the thing. We want to get to retirement age with both of these things done. The house paid for and a pile of money in the and the 401ks and the iras one or the other is okay neither one done becomes a retirement crisis right no no money saved in big debt on the house and you hit 65 or 69 or whatever then you're screwed you're really in a mess but uh but you've got 10 years for your wife, 20 years for you to build wealth and to clear

this debt. And so you should be in very, very good shape when you get to retirement just by following the baby steps. So, Dave, help me with this because I feel burdened by a mortgage it kills me to the point that it is hard for me at my age to put money in retirement while this thing's hanging out there and that's is that a point when the the the psychology needs to i need to dial that back and it becomes a math problem it just kills me yeah well i would just take you know a percentage of that kills me and just put it into i'm going to be very intentional with these dollars yeah every dollar that comes

into the house and so everything about 15 goes on the house yeah and uh the kills you keeps you from you know buying a 150 000 car or 100 you know a 50 000 car or something instead of putting it on the house i don't mean you have to drive a $2,000 car, on the other hand, but I'm saying what that does is that sense of weight or that sense of fear of not having enough, there's a healthy result in that if you don't let it build up and it just becomes toxic. In other words, it's a motivator.

It pushes you to do the right things because the weight is real. I says, am I crazy? No, you're not crazy. The weight's real. I mean, it's real, but don't let it make you crazy. I've never been able to demonize. Like, if I owe somebody something, I really feel like I owe them something, right? And I know credit card's different than student loan's different than house,

but for me, it's all the same. Yeah. I mean, it's all a debt. That's right. And the borrower's still slaving to the lender and what you're experiencing is the emotional relational spiritual part of slavery right and you feel it and so uh somebody else is going to participate in me deciding what i'm going to do with my life yeah yeah i don't want any bankers bellying up to my kitchen table that's you know that's what it comes down but i invited

them to right so yeah john is in indianapolis hey john how are you i'm doing fine dave how are you today better than i deserve what's up good i just have one question um in 2007 my wife and i took one of your uh your financial peace university class through our library and um it served us very well down to the years and i'm about two years away from retirement. And I've been investing in the 40% C, 40% S, and 20% I, like you recommended. And it's done very well. And my question is, I'm about two years out from retirement. At what point do I possibly slide that over into a more safe, less risky fund,

or do I keep my foot on the gas pedal until I walk out the door. How old are you? I'm 58. 5'8"? Yes. Okay, well, I'm 60, and I have not moved anything to conservative investing. Now, what you may do when you do retire, I probably would come out of the Thrift Savings Plan and do a rollover into an IRA

and sit down with SmartVestor Pro and develop a portfolio for your retirement of mutual funds. Okay? Okay. But I'll tell you what my portfolio looks like. It's growth, growth and income, aggressive growth and international, what we've taught for 30 years. Now, here's the thing. The idea that as you hit 60 or hit retirement that you're supposed to move money into conservative things is called asset allocation and it is a widely believed theory of investing among the financial planning community i personally think it's wrong i think it's a theory and i think the

theory breaks down here's why at 60 years old if you move stuff into bonds and money markets and you start producing about half the rate of return that you're producing now, in other words, you start making four or five or six instead of 10 or 12 on your money, all in the idea that now we're coasting into the harbor of retirement and we need to be super conservative. And we don't want to put anything at risk. The problem with that theory is is that if you're 60 years old and you're healthy statistically you're going to live into your 90s the average death age of a male in america is 76 or a female 76 a male is 74 but

that includes infant mortality teenage death and so on when you hit 60 years old healthy you have a very high probability of living 30 more years so this is like talking to a 30 year old and saying you need to invest conservatively you're going to be 60 someday you got 30 years you still got to outpace inflation and so i think this theory is asinine uh and so especially if you've got a lump of money if you're sitting there the half million a million dollars in these investments, and it sounds like you probably are, then you're not going to be using the money anyway. You're just going to be living off the income it creates. The money is going to be invested for your kids.

You're just going to live off the income. You're not going to touch the goose. You're only living off the golden eggs. And so that's my theory. I don't think I'll ever move mine to conservative investments because I've got millions of dollars in it. Do you know who is a prime target for identity theft? Your children. Kids have no debts or credit history.

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Call them at 800-356-4282 or visit zander.com. It's just the smarter, more affordable way to protect your entire family. And it's the only plan I provide to my team. Zander.com or 800-356-4282. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey Personality, is my co-host today. Open phones at 888-825-5225. His best-selling quick read, our first publishing effort of his, is called Redefining Anxiety.

It's an 80-page quick read. It is now available. It's all $10, and it's an amazing, amazing quick read. So if you have trouble with anxiety or you know anyone that does, welcome to planet Earth. And Dr. John can walk you through some issues on that. Redefining anxiety. Be sure you pick up a copy. Samantha's with us in Dallas, Texas.

Hi, Samantha. Welcome to The Ramsey Show. Hi. Thank you so much for having me today. Sure. How can we help? I'm calling because I started your program this past October, and I'm on Baby Step 2, and I'm currently reading The Total Money Makeover.

And my question is something that you talk about is not giving the government a interest-free loan for your taxes. And I get back a pretty hefty tax return every year. And I was just wondering how I can set up my taxes so I get more now to put towards my debt without owing when I file my taxes next year. Okay. What was your refund the last two years? $2,000 and $2,200. Okay.

Has anything changed substantially in your life this year? Like, did you buy a house, have a baby, get married? None of those things. Okay. So nothing that's going to affect your taxes. So you're likely going to affect your taxes. So you're likely going to get a $2,000 to $2,200 refund again. Okay. Right?

Is that right? So there's nothing I can really change in my deduction. Correct. Okay. So I would sit down with, just go to your payroll department at your company and say, I need to fill out a form to change my deductions, and I need to help you. You can help me calculate it. I need to change my deductions by $200 a month.

Okay. I need to bring home $200 more than I'm bringing home now. That's $2,400 a year, so you'll be underwithholding a little bit, so you'll owe a couple of hundred when you do your taxes next year. If you want to do $150, then you would get a small refund. That would be $1,800, and you get a couple of hundred dollar refund. That would be okay, too. If you want to just be safe, go ahead and just do $150.

Let's increase your take-home pay. I want to claim enough deductions or fill out a form to increase my take-home pay by $150 a month. That's $1,800 a year. And if you have a $2,000 tax bill, that means you, I mean, if you have a $2,000 refund, that means you wouldn't be getting that. You would have gotten it early except for $200 of it. So you get a $200 refund instead of a $2,000 tax refund, and that would be a very smart thing to do.

So yeah, I'll just reduce your, and let me tell you that the the irs tables don't work so they like well i'm a single young woman and i don't have any deduction deductible or i don't have any um dependence and so i claim zero dependence and then it creates this huge refund so it obviously the calculations on don't, so you can't use what your real number of dependents are to set the thing up. So you have to actually just do the math. The other thing, if you want to get more sophisticated on this, folks, go ahead and just do your tax return for this year in advance. And then you'll know exactly what your tax bill is and have that amount taken out of your check. And no more and no less.

Because withholding is not supposed to be over withholding. And a refund comes from over withholding. Now, you know, while we're talking about these 2020 taxes, there's some changes you guys need to know. The deadline for federal taxes has changed from April 15th to May 17th. A handful of states whose deadlines got pushed to June 15th because of natural disasters over the winter. Quarterly taxes and state income taxes are still due April 15th, and a week from now. And the unemployment tax law changed.

If you got unemployment benefits in 2020, you do not pay federal income taxes on the first ten thousand two hundred dollars unless your household unless your income was more than 150 000 in which case your unemployment benefits are fully taxable so these are interesting things about taxes as if there's anything interesting about taxes but uh if you're feeling like you can do your taxes on your own like her situation where she's got a very simple return there's not much to it try filing online with ramsey smart tax about 60 000 people have done it so far this year it's got all the bells and whistles you need it's very easy to use it's top quality no jacked up prices no bait and switch you can file your federal taxes with ramsey smart tax for either

17 or 37 depending on the support you want and you're not going to get a deal like this from TurboTax. So get tax help you can count on, and if you have a complicated return, we can put one of our trusted pros from the ELP program in your corner to help you. So if you want some help with all this, text TAX to 33-789. TAX to 33-789. Hey, this may be an ignorant question why do people wait until again let me go back to what i asked earlier just because i get something in my head and i got to get it done why do people wait till april 15th is there a benefit to holding off paying your taxes

long mine are pretty uncomplicated so if you have to pay, then you would wait until the last possible minute to give them your money. Okay. If you're getting a refund, you would file immediately in January and get your refund as soon as possible because you want your money back in your hand and you want to change it. So going to April allows people to either earn that money, gather that money, get that money, but you're going to have to pay the government. Yeah. Okay.

And you have to pay the taxes whether you file or not. And so, like in my case, we calculate mine. It's a more sophisticated formula around here because I own the company and all this other crap. And so we calculate mine to where I have to pay every year, and we wait until the last possible moment to send them that huge check uh you know we have to pay quarterlies we have to do some other stuff there's all kinds of things so we've already sent in a bunch but that last big chunk that we are allowed to wait until the last minute without penalty we wait on and do it at the last minute and it's not because we're

procrastinating it's because i just don't want to give the government the money until i have to let it work for me until it works you can. You can say, yeah, at some point. It's in my savings account until then. I want to keep earning interest on it until then. Unless there's no reason to send it to them early. Okay. So, again, if you've got a simple return, let's use this Ramsey Smart Tax online filing. It's very easy.

Like I said, 50,000, 60,000 people have already done it. I did it. It was awesome. You used Ramsey Smart Tax? That's what I used. I did it at my kitchen table, knocked my taxes out by myself. One Saturday morning, called it good. Pretty cool.

It was fantastic. Well, look at that. That's good. Probably the last year you'll be able to do that. I hope so. Your life's getting ready to get complicated, brother. So if you need a pro in your corner because you've got a complicated thing, either one, we can help you with that with the ELPs or the Ramsey SmartTax software, whichever one you want to use. And they're both very straightforward, and we're not going to try to sell you a mortgage loan while you're doing it or get you a credit card while you're doing it

which i don't you know some of these tax filing things are merely bait and switch they're just trying to get you in their database so they can uh sell you something so anyway not us that's not what we're doing text tax to 33 789 tax to 33 to 33789. Hey, go ahead. Go ahead. No, you're fine. I was going to tell you, I had an insurance question for you real quick. I was calling up some life insurance the other day, and I called Xander, and they started telling me, well, you know Dave recommends, and Dave says this, and I asked a question, should I do this or this? And they said, well, Dave. I said, well, hold on. I'll just ask him, right? Because I'm going to be sitting by him on the show in a couple days. And so the difference between buying – I'm upping a policy that I already have.

And the difference between stopping when I'm 60 versus stopping when I'm 75 is significant. And so what do you recommend for people to – how long should you buy a policy for? How old? Right. 15 years max. 15-year policy? Yeah, 15 to 20. Okay.

If you're 30 years old and you want to buy a 20 or you're 25 years old and you want to buy a 20, that's fine for two reasons. One is at the end of 20 years, you should be debt-free, house and everything, because you've got a 15-year mortgage or less. You paid off all the other debt. And at the end of 15 years, you would have been investing, and so you'd have substantial money in investments. And so, I mean, 15 years from now, your kids will be out of college.

So the life insurance is really gap insurance until I can self-insure myself. Exactly. Exactly. And if things change in your life and you need some more, as long as you've not lost your health, it has gotten cheaper almost every year. And so like I bought a policy at 35 and I bought another one at 40 that was cheaper at 40, even though I was older. Yeah. The one I just upping it was cheaper than the one I bought several years ago. Because the prices are going down continually because they continue to update the statistical evidence and people are living longer.

And it affects the prices. So 15 to 20 year level term. That's what we recommend. All right. This is the Ramsey Solutions on the debt-free stage, Benji and Nikki are with us. Hey, guys, how are you? Pretty good.

Welcome, welcome. Where do you guys live? Ashland City. Okay, just up the road. Not bad. Fun. And all the way down here to do a debt-free scream. Yes.

Wonderful. How much have you paid off? $38,452.11. How long did this take? Ten months. Good for you. Well done. And your range of income during that time?

From 82 to 102. Excellent. What do you guys do for a living? I'm a team lead in accounting department. And I work for the Cheatham County Highway Department. Awesome. Very cool. What kind of

debt was your 38 000 loans credit card you know for those of you listening the way she just turned and looked at him was so great go ahead and tell us man what'd you do okay loans credit card you know the usual yeah loans and credit cards car debt no student loan debt no no no no just buying stuff yep yes okay all right how long y'all been married it'll be 19 years in august all right and uh 10 months ago, what changed? What happened? We had to file bankruptcy. Oh. And that changed it.

Yeah, that'll change it. A little wake-up call. Yes. And this was left over from the bankruptcy stuff? It was actually due to be paid off in 2024. Oh, okay. So this was a Chapter 13 you cleared. Okay.

Filed it in May of 19 and paid it off in october of 2020 okay all right and so you got you tell me the story what happened from may of 19 to december 19 we just paid you know know, minimum payment. Right. Your normal 13, chapter 13 payment. Yeah. January 2020 is when we, that's when I've had a moment come up. Okay. And then we just started hammering away. Okay.

So how did that conversation happen? Tell me, unpack the story for us a little bit. It wasn't hard. Actually, I was in the woods hunting. And just, you know, a lot of time to think. And I was just thinking, I was in the woods hunting. It's just a lot of time to think, and I was just thinking. I was like, you know, I don't want to live like this. I don't want to keep paying for that many years.

I come home and just talk to her, and she's like, well, let's do it. So it was that easy. Okay. All right. And how did you connect to us? We have a friend that's been you since he was 16 okay and he tried to get me on board years ago and i you know young didn't have nothing to do with it and then i was like man i should have done what he did so nikki you're just look like you're biting your tongue and you're gripping your knuckles what's what's your part of the side of the story it's the same same thing

yeah what happened before the bankruptcy no just kept piling up and piling up yes thought we could do it and then it was like we can't do this anymore we were living the life so we thought and then it caught up with you in the back of the head yeah but i believe if I know then what I know now, we could avoid it bankruptcy. But what does scared people do? You get cornered

and I know the feeling, brother. I know the feeling. Wow. I'm proud of you guys. So it sounds like a lot more has happened than just cleaning up the debt. We come closer. We work together as a team. I bet.

I bet. We might argue a little bit over the budget sometimes. It's not easy. It was not easy. But at least it's an argument instead of just a blind run and crazy. Exactly. Yeah. That's good. It's good healthy conflict.

Now, keep in mind, she done most of the work. She was able to work from home during the whole pandemic and all that. So most of this was her. Okay. So now that you're finally clear after 20 years of marriage, and you got a whole new map on how to handle money and how to talk to each other about it, you ever go back in debt? No.

No. You didn't even get to back in debt? No. No. You didn't even get to finish that sentence. No. Yeah. Well, I mean, when somebody's sick and tired of being sick and tired, you can tell, right? You're right. And that changes everything. That's the home run.

Because you probably have been in debt your entire marriage, right? Most people have. Yeah. Yeah. And now you're clear. Yes. You thought those stresses were just a part of being married right yep just a part of being alive and part of being alive because my whole family's been

that way you know we've struggled make ends meet how's it feel now that you're clear oh it's great really good who were your biggest cheerleaders anybody on the sidelines telling you your buddy's got to be one of them he's. He's about the only one. Everybody else said we were crazy or dumb. And now look at me now. That's right. How you like me now? That's right.

Toby Keith, right? Yeah. Good for you guys. I'm so proud of you guys. Well done. Very well done. I can just see a lightness on them. They look like they lost it.

They're nodding like that guy that you look across the old playground. You're like, you want some of this? And the guy smiles and goes, yeah, if you do. And you realize, I probably don't want any of that. They're smiling like they know something the rest of the world don't know because they do. That's it. That's the look. Man.

Exactly the look. I like it. So what do you tell that couple that thinks, man, you just got to be married 20 years. That's going to be a grind. And she's going to be annoying. And he's going to be an idiot. And he's going to buy stupid stuff. What do you tell that couple?

Do it on a budget. I mean, that's the key to getting out of debt is a budget. And having a plan that you're both on. And having a plan that you both agree on. Both of you are on a game plan. And you said something I think is important. I don't want to blow by. It's a budget. And having a plan that you're both on. And having a plan that you both agree on. Both of you are on a game plan. And you said something I think is important and I don't want to blow by. It's hard. And it's still worth it.

Yes. And he or she is still worth it. Yes. Even though it's hard. Yes. There's no magic fairy dust you sprinkle over it and suddenly making a budget is fun and joyful and the thing you want to do on Saturday mornings, right? And it is very hard. Last April, if you'd asked me, I would have never imagined that I would have went this far.

I mean, we actually stuck with it. You know, started seeing light at the end of the tunnel when stuff was getting smaller and smaller, and that's what keeps you going. Yeah, it is. Congratulations, man. Well done, you two. You're rock stars, man.

I'm proud of you. Very, very cool. We've got a copy of Rachel Cruz's latest New York Times bestseller, Know Yourself, Know Your Money, for you two. You're rock stars, man. I'm proud of you. Very, very cool. We've got a copy of Rachel Cruz's latest New York Times bestseller, Know Yourself, Know Your Money, for you guys as a gift. And we're so proud of you. Thank you for coming down here to do your Debt-Free Scream. All right. It's Benji and Nikki from Ashland City.

$38,000 paid off in 10 months, making $82,000 to $102,000. Count it down. Let's hear a Debt-Free three two one we're debt-free yeah this is how it's done i love it very very cool. Andy is in Providence, Rhode Island. Hey, Andy, welcome to the Ramsey Show. What's up? Hey there, Dave. I already talked to you. A little bit about me.

I'm late 40s. I'm single and staying that way. No kids. No hangers-on. I'm an everyday millionaire. I'm an everyday millionaire. It's the end of last year. Congratulations.

How old did you say you are? Late 40s. Late 40s. Okay, cool. I got about 380 in cash. That includes emergency fund. My situation is I've never owned a house.

I've been working for quite a while. More serious at times than others. But I feel like it's getting farther away with everything that's going on. Where I'm looking to move, it's a real tight market. And, you know, before COVID, now it's just crazy, crazy spread into the outlying areas where I was looking. I'm kind of tired of sitting on this cash and not see it do anything. Good. I can certainly get approved for, you know, a ridiculous amount of a house mortgage, but I was really wanting to pay either cash or, you know, cash and maybe $100,000.

I think cash is a great idea. The question is, what do I do when there's just nothing in that range? I don't want to wait that I... Well, I don't know how long you have to wait, but you can wait a little while. I mean, I don't want to wait six years, but I might play with this for six months. Take your time. Keep poking around. Make this a search and adventure.

I'm looking for the right deal for me at this time, and I'll know it when I find it. And until I find it, just have a lot of peace and waiting. Don't get all caught up in the heat of the market, and that gives you urgency. Your only urgency is you want to own a house sometime in the next three years. My wife and I went nine months until we found the gym that nobody else had seen and just got blown over, and it worked out.

And you keep looking until the real estate agent's pissed. Yep. Yeah. Yep. This is The Ramsey Show. Dr. John Deloney-Ramsey, personality, is my co-host today. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Angela is with us in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Hi, Angela.

How can we help? Hi. I have sort of a financial and relationship question. I'm sorry. You're going to speak directly into your phone. It was cutting out on you. I have a financial and relationship problem. I'm hoping you guys can help me solve it.

We'll try. Okay. So here's a bit of a backstory. I was married for almost 20 years. We've been divorced about two years. I moved out about eight months ago. During the time when we were divorced but living together, we were trying to work things out, but it didn't work out. We have financial issues with infidelity that way and relationship infidelity. We have decided we want to try to work it out. Where I'm currently staying though, my lease is up and I can't afford rent around here on my own and so my ex has offered to let me move back in from half of what I'd be paying at rent anywhere else

and is that okay to do while we're trying to work things out or should we stay separated while we're still trying to work things out what are you still trying to figure out after 20 years of divorce, living together after divorce, and then an eight-month breakup? What is there left to discuss? Well, we have trust issues with each other. Yeah, clearly. So what's going to come to the surface here when you move back into his house and he is able to lord over you the fact that you're paying less rent and you can't leave, how is that going to solve a trust issue? Well, see, me moving out is kind of proven to him that you can't cross that boundary

and there's no consequences. Yeah, see, you're playing Russian roulette. I know this is hard. It sounds like your relationship's over and either he likes having you around when it's convenient and you are still hanging on to this myth, this fantasy that it's one day

he's going to bloom and blossom and grow and he's going to be the guy you've always wanted to be. And after 20 years and a divorce and eight months of giving it another go, it sounds like it's over. Yeah, well, part of it, for the financial consideration, you had to deal with it directly last. And so I wasn't accountable for that.

It's just going to be one thing after another after another. It has been. And it's so hard. I know. I it's going to be one thing after another after another. And it's just so hard. I don't want to minimize it. It has been one thing after another after another after another. I'm hearing somebody that doesn't understand their innate value and worth. Maybe. I get told that by a few people. You are worth not being lied to and cheated on again and again you're worth not moving into a house

where someone's going to say hey by the way I got you because I'm charging you half rent you're worth more than someone else's table scraps and you've locked yourself into if I don't do this I can't live here man there is a big wide open, lots of places you can go where people are going to treat you with the value that you're worth.

And I know that's so hard to hear. Yeah, I guess it's more maybe me just afraid of the change, I guess, because in this eight months where we have been apart, I do come over almost every day. It's a bit complicated. My brother lives with him, so I come and I see my brother and everything. So you're not really divorced? No. You've never really ended the relationship. Your relationship has continued. And it's strung on and dot dot dot and it went from the main road to the gravel road back to the main road. It's just a mess.

And if you have a scab and you keep picking it and you keep bumping it and you keep hitting it. Angela, how old are you? 39. Okay. Do you have any children? I have one adult child. And how old is your adult child? 22. Boy or girl?

Boy. Okay. If he called you up and told you this story about him and his girlfriend, what would you tell him? I would tell him to break it off, but it's easier said than done. Why do you value him more than yourself? Not your son, your ex. Yeah. not your son your ex yeah um i kind of feel responsible i guess for him and his relapsing because that's so much we were having before that is so much

before like i know i brought on issues i know i mean that's just that's just bullcrap there's no possible there's no possibility. How in the crud can you come up with the idea that this guy cheating on you, you're responsible for it? Or him getting back into drugs is your fault. That's so whacked. It's not. If your son told you that about his girlfriend after she's cheating and sleeping all over town, and he still wants to hang on, and he said, but it's my fault she sleeps around, you would smack him.

Wake up, boy. That's what you'd tell him, wouldn't you? Yes. Because you know your son has value. Well, we know you have value. And this is just cray-cray, girl. You need to get away. That's Uncle Dave talking.

I have no psychological degrees. Dr. John's got two of them but i'm telling you this i've got a problem with your brother yeah your brother doesn't need to be buddying up with a guy who's disrespected his sisters over and over and over again for two decades the way he has if your brother had some courage he would step out and y'all could get an apartment together and figure this out why you got your feet underneath you but he's not that guy yeah he does help me yeah actually my brother does give me uh your brother stands there while you walk back into this toxic relationship i'm not talking about money look you called and ask us what to do here's what we're

telling you to do get out yeah get away don't have any more contact with this guy at all. He's your ex. Treat him like it. Move on, kiddo. Am I missing something? Yes. The other piece is treat yourself like somebody that – treat yourself like you treat the people in your life that you care about. Treat yourself at least as good as your ex. How about that?

At least show yourself and do the work you've got to do when someone is that kind of when someone's mistreating you and you continually go back to him back to him back to him back to him over and over and over again and they continue a pattern of misbehavior it is because you don't care enough you don't have enough self-respect to walk away from crap and we're trying to say you are worth it you need to walk walk away. And you need to have zero contact with this guy. If your brother wants to talk to you, it's going to have to be somewhere else where this guy's not around and not on this property.

You don't need to be on that property ever again, and you don't need to talk to this guy ever again, ever, period. You owe him nothing. This is over. This is so toxic, girl. You need to get plugged into a good church. You probably need to move to a different city and start fresh. Make no mistake.

You've been married to somebody for 20 years. At that point, they're a leg and an arm. It's a part of you. This is going to hurt. Once you finally acknowledge this thing's over and you start the grieving process, two decades, this is over, over, it will hurt and hurt and hurt. And that doesn't mean it's wrong. That actually means you're doing the hard work of cutting that infection out, and now you're going to be on the road to healing.

But you've got to be done with it. You've got to be done. Like Dave said, don't go back. It's over. You're worth more than this. Dr. John Deloney just called your ex an infection. Yep. Yeah. And your brother's not helping he's certainly not helping it's time to go get surgery connect yourself with somebody who will see your value and i know it's hard that mirror gets dusty

and dirty sometimes it's hard to see it but man i i just hate hearing that in my heart man yeah you need to get plugged into a great church i I really think, Uncle Dave's thinking you need to move to a different city and get a start. Because I think you're going to have to have the physical distance to have the courage to stay away. Yeah. And have the discipline to stay away. Because your healing is only going to begin to the extent you stay away, kiddo. You're carrying in your heart his infidelity, his drug abuse, his fill-in-the-blank, his money issues. Man.

It's a mess. You're worth more than that, baby. It's a mess. It's a mess. It's a mess. You don't have to be mean to him. No. You just don't have to be to him at all.

You're already divorced. It's over. Yeah. You don't have to be. You're not required anymore. Your services are no longer needed. Wow. Wow.

That puts this hour of the Ramsey show in the books. Hey guys, this is James, senior producer for the Ramsey show. Did you know over 18 million people listen to The Ramsey Show every week? And a lot of those people listen on one of our 600-plus radio stations across the country. To find a station near you, head to theramseyshow.com.