The Ramsey Show - App - Should My Wife Be More Gazelle Intense? (Hour 3)

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

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Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas and talk to Keith. Hey, Keith, what's up? Hey, good afternoon to you too. I'm calling because I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to get my wife

actually gazelle intense and not ish. Okay. How have you tried? Is she there, Keith, by chance? No, not at all. Oh, man. I was like, this would be a fun convo. I want to hear her opinions on you, Keith, by chance? No, not at all. Oh, man. I was like, this would be a fun convo. I want to hear her opinions on you, Keith.

No, I'm just kidding. Well, a little bit of what's going on is right now I'm in between going from my primary job to my side hustle. I've pretty much let her do everything financially. It's like paying the bills and everything else. I rake in as much money as I can. Hey, Keith. Hey, Keith. Hey, Keith.

Do me a favor. Talk directly into your phone, brother. I thought I would. I am. All right. There you go. It was just all mumbled. Yeah. All right. So she go. It was just all mumbled. Yeah.

All right, so she's been doing all the money stuff? Yeah, she's been handling the paying the bills and everything. And I do commend her. She does keep up with everything. I mean, we are not late on anything. And, you know, things are getting paid. No problem. Uh, where I'm having a hard time is I'm putting in minimum 60 hours a week, uh, between my main job and the side hustle. And she just has her one job and, and that's it. Uh, between the two of us our net take home pay is $100 to $110

a year and $78 of that is just from me and it's just real hard when Does she take care of the house?

Yeah and that's why I'm also having a hard time. Have you guys sat down and done a budget together, Keith, and said, hey, here's how much we make as a household every month, and here is what we're going to agree on of like, hey, yep, we both feel good about this, that this is where the money's going. Have you all done that? Well, for the longest time we've had a budget, we've got a crazy detailed Excel spreadsheet we've done.

But that's not the problem here. The problem here is that you don't think she's pulling as much weight as you and you're starting to resent her. Why? Well, it's not so much that she's not pulling as much weight. It's that she's not fully committed to getting the debt gotten rid of. That's why I was asking though, Keith, if you guys sat down together and said, okay, here is exactly where our money's going and we're going to agree this much money extra is going to pay off debt we have in the past but then things slap us in the face known as life and and uh we fall off of our baby steps and and then next thing you know we're just back into the normal uh people life

okay but in that answer you said we, so that sounds like both of you. But on the other time you're telling me it's her that keeps doing this. Well, no, no. For like, I don't know, the last six months I've been trying is where I'm at right now. Okay.

And I don't think she's gotten out of the last funk we had. Okay. Yet. How much debt do you have man uh without our mortgage it's about 73 000 okay and what is it what's what what's all the debt uh the biggest two are uh credit cards one one that's in her name one that's in my name how much are on those? $52,000.

Oh, my gosh. What did y'all get? What did you buy? They're credit cards that we've had for a while, and it's whether it be her van needing a new engine, my truck needing an engine rebuild rebuild or rear end replaced. Okay. Okay.

So I'm going to just call a little bit of a flag here. And I think it's both of your issues, Keith. I mean, you may be putting in more hours. I'm not going to argue that at all. Okay. Okay. So, yes, I think it gets to a point, Keith, that you both have to sit down and say, we're done with this.

Like, we're cutting with this like we're cutting up the credit cards debt's not an option anymore if something happens to the car we're down to a one car family like like i mean you get to this point that you're just like i we are done we are done with the playing this game we are just normal with 52 000 in credit card debt right i'm like there gets to a point that you just have to say we can't keep living like this and when you come together just cut mine up okay yeah well and i thought i had i thought i had some charges on there and i called the bank and said uh cancel the card kill the kill yeah then y'all need to y'all need to have a sweet romantic valentine's night tonight where you both sit down and lay it out. And honestly,

and tell her where you're at. Like, tell her not just this is what I want to do, but it's like, man, I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I feel like I'm working so much and I don't feel progress. Not a blame on her, but of the habits you guys have created together as a family. And it's this point of how are you feeling about that, right? I mean, where's the fear in it? Where's the, you're scared? I mean, like you guys talk about where you're at in life because this isn't working. She knows it's not working. And you guys get into these ruts at different times and suddenly you're out of the rut. She's still in it, but it goes back and forth is what it seems like. And it's kind of like, hey, let's paint a picture

for our future and what we want together. That needs to be the conversation tonight, Keith. Welcome back. And guess what? Money and Marriage Getaway is back this fall, October 24th through 26th. Me and Rachel are going to be hosting. We're running it back.

The Money and Marriage weekend that was such a hit. We are running it back and we are super excited. Platinum tickets are gone. They created some VIP tickets. They had to move some tables around because those were gone too, but they've added a few more. And ramsaysolutions.com slash events, one of the key parts of the Money Marriage event. And by the way, a couple of couples showed up and they were engaged. They're about to be married. And then there were also a number of couples who were new empty nesters. There's a couple of couples who'd been married for decades and everybody in between. So if you're like, ah, we're too old or we're too young, or we're about

to get married, or we're really struggling, there was a couple of couples that found out some really gnarly things about their marriage on the way to the event and almost turned around and went home. So it's for everybody, everybody, wherever you are, whatever stage you're in. But a cornerstone is the Q&A is people coming and saying, OK, what about our family? And it's cool to watch all these couples lift each other up up and to be like oh yeah that is crazy and rachel and i um talk about our our personal families but we get a bunch of questions we didn't answer all of them last year and so we've got a few that are left here so rachel i'm gonna pose one of the questions that an attendee asked last year that we didn't answer live. All right, here we go. My husband and I share bank accounts and Amazon accounts.

Do you have any tricks or tips to buy gifts for your spouse and keep it a surprise? Yes. How do you trick Winston? People are always like, we need separate accounts because we got to buy gifts. I'm like, oh my gosh. Okay, so first, very easy.

If there is a celebration coming up, a birthday, Christmas, you know you're going to be buying each other gifts. So go get a Visa gift card and go buy the gift. They won't know where it's from, but they know you're going to be spending money. So that's one way. And then if you wanted an absolute complete surprise, which Winston did on our anniversary this year, he actually had a friend buy it and then paid him back. You know, it was like, yeah, here's the money.

And I'll just Venmo you the day, you know, I give her the gift. So multiple times over my marriage, my friend Todd and my friend John has bought a thing that I sent them and shipped to their house. Totally. And they hold it for me. Yep. That's right. That's right.

Yep. I did that for my mom for concert tickets to to surprise him yeah and my mom got him and then my wife and i do a crazy thing um and it's it here's how it goes my wife will say hey it's your birthday i just ordered something don't look yeah and i'll go okay just because um i know we're crazy but we're adults but she'll say like hey there's a package coming don't open it and i'll go that's right okay and then we yes yes yes we've done that too i know so it's pretty easy to solve but that's like i hear people be like we don't want same accounts because if we want to surprise each other and i'm like oh my gosh to live a full life together america let's go to salt lake city to the utes and talk to brother ryan hey ryan what's up what's up ryan hey how are you

are you cool man that's my one-year-old baby. Sounds like you have a fire lit under your butt. What's up, man? Speaking of, yes. Oh, my gosh. So great. She chose right. She heard you guys.

My question is, for my family's happiness, and we can get into that, what is the math that would make sense to justify us moving to California? You're going to California. I know, everyone's going to California. I was like, that's why we're living this way. You're like a steelhead. You're like a salmon swimming upstream, buddy. Okay, so what's the situation? Is it family?

What is it that's in California? I mean our love story. I met my wife there. We moved to Utah. I got a job. We bought a house when it was cheap in Utah. Wait, sorry, what? Go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, and we bought it for real cheap and then now it's worth a lot. So can we move back? Um, is I guess the question because we have a ton of equity in the house and we spent four years there during grad school together and it was the happiest time of our life. And my wife said, please not on on my grave i do not want to move back to utah it's not the right place for us and you know we moved back here after grad school because we thought it'd be smart financially and we've been dying to get out since but everyone's telling us don't do it don't go to california you've got such a low you know mortgage payment on your house here's the thing other people don't get we don the thing. Other people don't get a vote. We don't feel happier.

Other people don't get a vote, number one. Number two, there is a, it's like a counseling 101 principle that wherever you go, wherever you end up, you go with you. And so if your marriage is unhappy in Salt Lake City, it's going to be unhappy in Los Angeles. It's not the marriage, actually.

I'm really fortunate to say that we are still madly in love 11 years later, five kids later. Then, yeah, my wife and I needed to move from where we were. And we picked a couple of places across the country and i applied for jobs and nashville was at the very top of our list list and it's been it's transformed our lives so yeah i mean geography plays a big role um but my wife and i moved with a bunch of problems in our marriage and those didn't go away. We had to, we still had to sit down and overhaul the thing. Yeah. So how much do you say your house was,

how much you could sell your house for in Salt Lake equity wise? What would you walk away with? We think equity wise, we'd walk away at about 700 K. Okay. And how much do you guys make a year? It's just me. 156 base and 10 to 15 bonus.

Does that job go with you to Los Angeles? Yes, it would. And we've been looking actually in three different counties and actually not Los Angeles County. Okay. Yeah, and have you guys, yeah, I mean, you've priced it out, and I would kind of just get an idea, a standard of living of, hey, this is how much, if you can, you know, groceries, but I kind of just do a rough budget. Because here's what I don't want, Ryan, to happen is you move from Salt Lake to a more expensive area. And I'm not just talking California,

this could be anywhere, right? You put yourself in a more expensive area. And you get down the road a year, and you guys have no margin in your budget and you're just like oh my gosh that money stress starts to wither on this romanticized dream of what we always wanted and reality sets in now you guys may be in a great i mean i would i would run the numbers and if you guys feel comfortable and seven hundred thousand dollars is a great that's great equity to be moving somewhere. That's at least 5% down on an Orange County home. Yeah, right.

I'm just playing. But for real though, Ryan, I want you guys to be grownups in that sense to actually run the numbers and say, yeah, we will be comfortable and we will thrive in this. And that's great. And that's great. And that's great. But I do kind of piggyback on what John said, that we can build something up sometimes in our minds. And the way it plays out isn't always what we had hoped and dreamed that this thing would give us. So just remember that.

But also, I think that on the other side of the coin, sometimes moves are needed. And if you guys are not happy in Salt Lake you know yeah find somewhere else another city that you guys want to be yeah I mean we you know a little context we grew up Mormon and now we're just Christian and we're like second-class citizens here you know yeah and we're used to we're used to the sun, and so we're stuck inside with our five kids five months. Maybe it's time to go. I would also remember this.

Sometimes loved ones, when we say, hey, we're going to leave, they give us advice and wisdom to stay, and they find a bunch of reasons to stay. Here's what they're really saying. I love you, and I'm really gonna miss you and yeah i think it's important to acknowledge that internalize that i had a buddy that just kept saying like man if you move to tennessee this and this and this and finally he was just like bro i just don't want you to go and so i i love the sentiment i loved that he loved me that much and the best thing for me and my family was to go. But that doesn't... And the sun is other places too. Yeah. But it doesn't give you a pass on math. And so to hear you say, no, we've got 700 grand. We're thinking this through. Man, I say, go for it. I say, absolutely go for it, brother.

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Welcome back. This is the Ramsey Show. I'm John Deloney, joined by Rachel Cruz, taking your calls on money, work, life, relationships, your marriage, all of it. 888-825-5225. That's 888-825-5225. Let's go out to Green Bay, Wisconsin and talk to the J.I.M. What's up, Jim? Hey, guys.

Can you hear me fine? Doing great, brother. What's up? Hey, before we start, nice to meet you guys. Your show has been a friend to me over the years, and thank you. Well, you're a friend to us, man. We're grateful for you. All righty.

Do you want the question first or kind of the situation that leads up to it? You are driving this truck, brother. You just go however you want to. All righty. Well, I'll just start with the back story here then so um ever since i started earning money the culture i grew up in the kids give all their money to the parents till you're 21 um so i've been in that system earning money for the family and the farm my dad was a severe alcoholic i had to ask him to leave when i was 19

and three of my sisters younger than me were still at home so i provided for them. They worked, too. We all kind of pooled the money and paid the payments and all of that, and I stayed. I got married through that time. All the sisters, they married and moved out, and I'm the last one home with my mother. How old are you? Right now, I'm 36. Okay.

So I've been married for, this is my 10th year to a wonderful woman. I got six kids. I've been supposed to been getting the property, but there was just kind of a loose agreement. Um, I'm ashamed to say, I just never pushed it like to get a contract or something. Um,

so we had been paying the mortgage for the first four years of marriage. like to get a contract or something. So we had been paying the mortgage for the first four years of marriage and helping out with some other odds and ends. And my mother needed a new house. So during this time, about five years ago, I co-signed a mortgage. We got a small loan, and I built a house that she could afford but it still needs work done because we went as far as we could with the money and she moved in and then I hit a breaking point there um just couldn't keep up with all the work but through all this time I was also helping my dad sober off multiple times

and all of that, but I hit a breaking point. And I told my mom that I can, you know, I did all the labor for free and I donated a lot of material. I told her I can either donate time or I can pay you fair rent, one or the other. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. And I'll ask for a contract just for rent because every time I tried to push for an agreement, I know as far as future, you know, buying the property, I keep getting put off. So it's like, you know, fine. I need some kind of contract, something for my family here and no contract.

She just demands that i pay a certain amount jim it's time to go okay it's time to go you have six kids and they're watching their dad drown it's time thank you sir um if it your your mother is trying to play both sides of the fence here, and I get the cultural aspect up and through 21, and I also get that you were put into a father role because your father was struggling mightily, and you took care of your little sister as you took care of your mom. You're a noble man, and you've continued to do that.

But right now, as a 36-year-old man with six kids and a wife of a decade going on decade number two, your mom is playing both sides of the fence. She wants to play mom when it's convenient and works out for her, which is, hey, son, will you come do a bunch of stuff for your sweet old mom? And you're a good son, you say yes. And then when it conveniences her, she wants to play landlord, which is give me my freaking money man and you're that toggle back and forth is killing you and it's time to not do business with her

just have her be your mom and if she doesn't want to be your mom unless she's controlling your business then that's a choice that she makes yeah but you're going to lose your mom over bad business and it's time to preserve your relationship with your mother and walk away, get your own place. Yes, sir. Okay. And you're going to look back and go, look at all the equity I lost, look at all the time, don't do any of that crap.

All that kept you afloat to today, we're just going to say, that was a rough season, man. And here we are. And at 36 years old, you're almost starting from scratch. You're going to build a legacy, and you're going to change your family tree. And your kids, all six of them, are never going to experience what you went through, right? Hell no. There you go. This is what changing your family tree looks like right here.

It's time to move out. Well, thank you, sir. I really appreciate it. Does that give you peace? It helps. to move out. Well, thank you, sir. I really appreciate it. Does that give you peace? It helps. Yes, sir. It helps a lot because I needed an outsider's opinion because the only people that I've, you know, asked are connected to the situation and they.

Yeah. It's too muddied. Yeah, it's a mess. They want me to stay there so that they don't have to deal with the situation. That's right. And I think it's time to take your brothers and sisters and say, I am handing this baton to you. I've done it for 36 years.

It's time for you all to step in. And by the way, your dad, you can love him. It's not your job to sober him up. In fact, you can't sober him up. Only he can. You can walk with him. You can love him. But don't give him any money.

I agree with you there, but I was trying that for a period, but he got tired the last time that I did it, and he moved somewhere where I can't pester him. Okay. I've let him go. I've let that part go. But the other part of this is he's still legally married to my mother. Cool.

Then he can deal with his legal obligations. Yeah, it says, Jim, for you guys, what does it realistically look like? Because the home you're living in was your mom's old home. Is that right? Was I following that correctly? No, I built my own house. I pay taxes on it and everything, and I still have to pay rent for it. Because your mom is on the mortgage?

Or the house you built for your mom is the one she's living in? No, no. I built a little shed that I live in. Okay. And then I built her a new house that she's living in. And the old house is junk. Okay.

It's rotten. Where do your six kids live? Oh, they live with me and my wife. We're in our little shack. We're comfortable. We don't need a whole lot. Jim, what do you do for a living, brother? I'm a construction worker, and I was growing the farm business at home.

So I'm not a construction worker. I have my own construction business. How much do you make a year? What's business. How much do you make a year? What's that? How much do you make a year? Well, the last two years, my take-home pay that I paid myself as a business was $32,000. But I've made some big changes, and I'm expecting that to double in the next couple years at the least. Good for you.

Good for you. Hey, Jim, I want it to triple. Well, you work too hard and you're too good at what you do and you care too much. Those are three great traits for a leader. Well, thank you, sir. Okay. But you're going to have to scratch and claw, but I don't want y'all living in a shack. I want you to get your family a home.

Yes, sir. That's my plan. You guys, you're confirming what was in my mind. I just, I wanted to, like I said, hear that outsider's perspective. Just make sure I'm not... You're not crazy. You may be around some crazy, but you're not the crazy one. Jim. That's the feedback I've been getting.

I want to give you step one of your healing adventure, okay? Yep. It's Valentine's Day today. Yes, sir. I want you to take your wife out. Just y'all two. No kids. I want you to figure that out.

No kids. She doesn't get to babysit or you do. And it may be one of your older siblings or one of your older kids. I want you to figure that out. No kids. She doesn't get the babysitter you do. And it might be one of your older siblings, or one of your older kids. But listen, I want you to take her out. I want you to look at her across the table in a restaurant and say, for the last decade, you have watched me put everybody else first. That ends now. From this point forward, you're my wife, and I put you first, and we're going to make this thing right. You're a good man, dude.

It's time to focus that energy on your wife and your six kids and give them a home. We'll be right back. This is The Ramsey Show. Today's scripture of the day is Ecclesiastes 4, 9 through 10. Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls down and has no one to help them up. Catherine Hepburn says, love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give which is everything

speaking of this ecclesiastes verse where uh if one falls down one can help them up yeah that's james james childs i fall down at this job a lot and james picks me up man trying to get bonus points from our producer i love you john well i appreciate you following you live this scripture out it breathes in you i'm i'm i'm honored to know you man it's awesome let's go out to sylvia in minneapolis minnesota which is a word that he worked with me on for a long time what's up syl Sylvia? Not much. Everybody else calls it Minneapolis. I used to always call it Minneapolis. And then one day James came in and was like,

listen, you have to learn how to speak and read. And so it's Minneapolis. What's up, Sylvia? Yes. So I have accrued about, I think, what, $35,000 about in debt. And I am 31, so I really want to start working that number down so that I'm not on a paycheck-to-paycheck budget

or just being stressed out about finances all the time. Yep. Totally fair. What's the 30K in? What kind of debt? So $12,000 or $ 13,000 is in a car that I have right now. I pay 380 on a payment monthly. Also, I have student loan debt. I think they are about, I don't know, roughly about 18 of it. Okay. And I've got about three or 4,000 in credit card debt. Okay. How much do you make a year? 40,000 roughly. 40,000. Okay. Yeah. What do you do? I'm an assistant property manager. Okay. Awesome. Yeah. Do you have any money saved? I don't. But we are, of course, in a like tax time. So I have some things that I plan to put

away with that coming. How much of a refund will you get? I think about four or five thousand okay that's great um i mean great in the sense that that's your money uh that you'll be getting back that you can use really intentionally um but that is one thing you could do is go in um if you have an hr department and adjust your w-2 and be able your paychecks and don't take as much out in taxes because this big refund means that's money that could have been working, you know, for you. Yeah, you loaned the federal government $4,000 this past year. They're super grateful, at no interest. Yeah, so adjust that so your paychecks are a little bit bigger, which will help with your cash flow. So that's one thing to do. So yeah, so with this, I mean, if I were you, I would park $1,000 in a starter emergency fund when you get this refund. And then I would throw

the rest of the credit cards and cut up your credit cards too. Don't even give yourself the option to go back into credit card debts. Just get rid of them. And that'll feel good. I mean, that frees up. That's like, okay, now you have your car payment and your student loan left. And when you look at this equation, Sylvia, when it comes to just like the basics of starting all this out, really, there's two ways that money flows. Money flows in, money flows out. And so looking at your income, seeing, hey, what kind of side hustle can you do as you're getting out of debt? Because upping your income is going to be a real key part of getting out of debt faster. So this is probably going to look like working nights.

Are you married, kids? What's your family situation? I've got one child. I'm dating someone right now that I was outside of that. How old is your son daughter? My son, he's 13. He's 13. Okay, cool. So yeah, so that may look like maybe one Saturday a month and a few nights. I mean, doing what you can realistically to be able to bring in some extra money. So that's the income side. And we talk to people all the time, Sylvia, that are, I mean, they're on this process

and they're making 13, 14, 2,000 extra dollars a month realistically of doing some extra stuff. So really get creative on that end and then be looking at your expenses. And I want you to do a budget. And at the end of this, Taylor's gonna pick up and we're gonna give you every dollar premium which is our which is our budgeting app and in that app there's a lot of education to be able

to teach you here's how to do a zero-based budget but i basically want you to take your income for the month and you're going to list out everything you spend money on and sylvia you're going to be you're going to be nixing some expenses yeah you're going to be a lot of them, some things that your subscriptions, no vacation, no out to eat. I mean, I really want you to challenge yourself to really say, okay, we're gonna we're gonna cut a lot of this. And that's gonna free you up with some money. And so you know, the beautiful thing is if you I'm going to make up a number, Sylvia, I don't know what it will be for you. But let's say you can bring in an extra 1500 and maybe you find an extra 500 in your budget to cut, right? That's $2,000 extra a month. And even that being thrown at your car, you're going to start

to see that chip away. And what ends up happening is when people feel this progression of Oh my gosh, I'm winning. I'm actually getting traction. I'm actually seeing a positive result with my money. It's a natural instinct in us that you naturally will say, okay, I can pick up two more hours here and make a little bit more there. Oh yeah, we can cut the grocery budget another hundred bucks here. I mean, you start to really get this momentum started because for the first time ever, maybe for you, Sylvia, you're actually going to feel in control of your money because you're going to be doing a budget and you're going to be working your way out of debt.

And when that car is paid off and you may even look at, I mean, you could even look at selling the car. Have you, have you Kelly blue booked at all? I'm curious what it would be worth. Um, I have, but I think it's about think it's about it's less than half of what the value okay okay so you're how much i still owe on it you're pretty underwater okay yeah yeah yeah and it's not a you know we always say if it's more than half of your take-home pay you have too much car so you're you're not at that point i mean it's 13 000 versus 40 000 so you're you're at a manageable spot um it'd have been beautiful if it was worth $16,000 and you could sell it and just get rid of it and get a $3,000 car. But with this, so again,

it's kind of just this new way of looking at your money and it's going to feel different and it's going to be hard. But I think for you, Sylvia, there's going to be some peace in it too, because you're actually going to have control over your income. You're going to have a plan on where you're going. And I think you're going to see progress really quickly. So, Sylvia, can I tell you a wild story real quick? Yeah, absolutely. When I was 13, my mom, who had never gone to school, she'd never gone to college.

She took her first community college class. And then she took another class the next semester. And then the semester after that, she took two classes and just kept going and going and going. And when my mom turned 57, she graduated with her PhD. And at 63, she was tenured as a professor. But here's the important part of this conversation. At 13, 14, 15, and 16, I had a ringside seat to watching my mom work really, really hard. And I remember her coming

and putting the laundry soap on the washer and says, your laundry's on you now, buddy. I got homework. And I started having to fend for myself with frozen dinners and stuff like that. She would make meals on Saturdays and I had to heat them up. Here's the thing. I look back and I have no excuses on being a good dad, on learning new

crafts, on changing as the world changes underneath me because I watched my mom blaze a trail. And your 13-year-old is going to watch you do this and it's going to change his family tree. You see what I'm saying? This isn't just you getting out of debt. I really, really love that vision. Yeah, you are going to change his life because he's going to watch mom, and he's going to be annoying.

I've got to do my own laundry. I've got to do it. Yep, because mom's working another job and another job. I'm so proud of you. Yeah. Hold on the line. Taylor's going to pick up and we'll give you Financial Peace University, our nine lesson course and every dollar premium because we want to give you as much, as many tools

as possible, Sylvia, because this is possible for you. Truly. And like John said, what your son is going to experience and the example you're going to set for him, it changes everything from this point forward because you chose to do something different. Big time shout out to Taylor, Austin, Joe, our fearless leader and handsomest guy around, James Childs, and even Zach with the YouTube crew.

Thanks to you, America. We'll see you soon on The Ramsey Show. Take care.