The Ramsey Show - App - Skip Your First Feeling When You're Tempted to Overspend (Hour 1)

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

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Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is the Dave Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money. I'm Chris Hogan, and co-hosting with me this hour is Dr. John Deloney, and we are excited to be with you to talk to you about what's on your mind. Now, if you've got a question about money, call us. We can talk to you. If you've got a question about life and you need some guidance dealing with the emotions or the feelings or the whatever it is, Dr. D will dive in and help. Are you ready?

I'm ready. How's your Friday going? Oh, it's good. I've been busy. Been doing a lot of media, doing some preparation. We've got some events coming up. We're not telling people about it yet, so don't let the cat out of the bag the calendar starting to fill back up we are starting to get some stuff done are you ready i'm ready let's do it well i'm

going to kick off the hour and tell you if you're out there and you've got a question we want to hear from you call us the number to call is 888-825-5225 again that's 888-825-5225 you can reach us kelly's ready to take your call. Or you can find us on social media, at Ramsey's Show. Also, speaking of which, John, you are somewhat social, and you are out there. Tell the people where to find you on social media. You can find me on social media, at John Deloney, and at all of the tubes and the Instagrams and all the things. And you can shoot me an email if you've got a question you'd like me to address specifically on this show.

And we are building a show, a caller show for me right now. So you can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Very good. So askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. What's the time frame on this show coming? We'll find out. We're working on it. Okay.

We're taking calls, and I'm pretty excited about it. It's going to be cool. It's going to help a lot of people. Okay. Well, that's the goal. That's what we do here. We're all about hope here at Ramsey Solutions. You can find me on social media at ChrisHogan360 as well. Well, diving in, I wanted to start off this article. I've done some research and John, whenever I see something that jumps out at me and it makes my one hair stand up, I know I'm going to talk about it. And it's way up right now. It is.

It is. Here it is. Coronavirus shopping survey. 58 million Americans are spending more money while social distancing. 58. They called it comfort buying, where it's a way to shop and relieve stress and boredom. All right. So on the psychological side,

what are some tips you give people to be able to control themselves? I think first and foremost, I heard this the other day and I'm going to co-opt it. I don't even remember where I heard it from, but I loved it. And it was whenever you're in a moment of stress, whenever you're a moment of loneliness,

whenever you're a moment of you've been locked in your house for three months, when you're about to do something, whether it be to respond to somebody you're a moment of, you've been locked in your house for three months. When you're about to do something, whether it be to respond to somebody you're frustrated at, hit send on an email, or buy something, skip your first feeling. Skip your first feeling. So your wife comes in and is about to make you upset, skip your first feeling. Your husband doesn't do the dishes. Skip the first feeling.

And then say, why am I about to respond the way I'm about to respond? So coming back to spending, right now people are lonely. They're exhausted. They feel like their country's on fire. The TV's on fire. They just want to get out of their house. And there's something about that little dopamine hit when you buy something. I need something else.

I need to consume something that's going to make me feel better. And it's short term. And it's kind of like eating, right? When you get sad, the only thing that you think is going to make you feel better is chips and salsa. And then 30 minutes later, the only thing that's going to make you come out of that sugar crash is more chips and salsa and maybe some queso this time, right? Same thing with buying, man. It's just we're trying to fill in this void of uselessness, this void of loneliness, this void of despair, and there's 58 million people trying to buy their way out of it, and it's not going to happen. No, you're absolutely right. And on the financial side, I'm going to tell you right now, you've got to be careful with

this, because there are places you can click and boxes show up, right? It's automatically connected to checking accounts and all the things. So, you know, we don't have to go to the mall anymore to do stupid. The mall, the indoor living room. We don't have to leave the home to overspend. And so I'm telling people, number one, in this time of all the things of not knowing, there are some steps that you can set yourself financially to win. Number one is to build an emergency fund.

We know now without a shadow of a doubt that having a money cushion is a necessity. And I don't mean a semi-cushion where you got like $30, $40, $50, $60. I'm talking about you need some substantial money put away to be able to take care of yourself and your family. And you need to reduce spending. Dr. D., guess what the top two things people were spending money on in this survey? What is it? I'm not even going to let you guess because I don't know where you're going to go with that. But I'm going to tell you.

Entertainment, 29%. And when you think entertainment, think numbing. Yes. Think hiding. 29%. The next category at 23% was alcohol. God almighty. Yeah.

So we are drinking and numbing our way through what's going on. Absolutely. Don't try to tell me the alcohol was used for hand sanitizer because that's a lie. Okay? That is a a lie. Okay? That is a straight lie. I'm telling you right now. So we've got to build up an emergency fund. We need to reduce spending.

And I'm going to tell you this. We've got to reevaluate our priorities. What is it we're trying to do and why? And I think whenever we start to go down that path and we start to stay clear, we can stay in control. And that's skipping the first feeling. Ask yourself why. Why do you need six more beers? Why do you need to buy the whatever?

Right. Why? Just ask yourself, what are you hiding from that another stream series is going to hide you from? Is it a conversation with your loved one you haven't had? Is it that job that you're terrified you're going to have to go back to? What is it? And here's the deal.

You can have a hard conversation with the mirror right now or you can have a harder one later you don't get to avoid those hard conversations right and and i we said it weeks ago that america is drinking and um tiger king their way through this and that just confirms it that we're on a even faster trajectory it really is so anyway this is an interesting survey this This is from WalletHub. But I think, you know, bottom line is we've got to be intentional with our money. We've got to be intentional with our plan. And, you know, stuff will not save the day.

And we've got to be careful, be intentional. And, again, do not send me tweets and e-mails about if you're shopping and you're out of debt and you're doing it with things you need or things that you like, that's fine. But we're talking about here the overspending and being careful here because, as Dr. D said, we don't have to go to the mall. The mall has come to us, and we need to be very, very, very intentional. Okay, if you're out there, we want to hear from you. The number to call is 888-825-5225. Again, that's 888-825-5225. Again, that's 888-825-5225.

We are taking questions from social media, and we're going to get to the phone calls here as well. But I want to hit you with this one, Dr. D. It says, this is from Jose on Twitter for you. It says, my daughter and her husband are having a baby, and they're homeless. I know they can't afford a baby, but am I overstepping my boundary as a parent if I give them suggestions to help or do I offer to let them live with me? I want to help, but I also want to respect them as adults. So one of my core principles is you protect the kids. You protect the kids.

And so 99 times out of 100, I'm going to tell granddad, you've got a – that's your grandbaby, yes, but that is the child child that's the son or daughter of your adult kids they get to be adults right but in a situation where somebody's homeless you take care of the kids yeah you step in and you say how can i support this and sometimes there's these there's moments in time when the lectures aren't what we need right now we need a warm bed we need a meal and we're going to figure out stuff after people are safe and okay. That's good. So somebody's homeless and there's a kid on the street. You open up your door and you open up your bedroom and you let them come stay. I think that's smart and we've had

a few people reach out with situations like this and as a parent that heart is always there. And boundaries are important but sleep and food is important too. Gotta take care of people. Oh I like that. Dr. D's got a heart after all y'all. Alright listen here. You are listening to The Dave Ramsey Show

and we're excited for you to come back. Stay tuned. We got more stuff to do. Families all over the country are discovering a faith-based and budget-friendly way of meeting health care costs, whether they're anticipated or completely unexpected. For example, take the Olcheski family from LaGrange, Texas. Jeff and Carice had just celebrated the birth of a new baby boy. Shortly after, they had another expensive medical issue come up.

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visit chministries.org. That's chministries.org. CHM is a proud sponsor of Dave Ramsey Live Events. Hello, everyone. You are listening to The Dave Ramsey Show. I'm Chris Hogan, and co-hosting with me this hour is Dr. John Deloney. We are taking your calls about your life and your money, and we're ready to talk to you. So we're getting to the phone lines, and we've got Gail on the line. Gail, how can John and I help you today? Hey, Chris and Dr. D., thank you for taking my call. I have a 77-year-old mother that just had aneurysm surgery.

And she's not, thank you, she's not going to be able to drive anymore. And we'll be with her 24-7 until maybe she might do a nursing home one day. But anyhow, she has a car that is a 2018 chevy equinox that she is approximately ten thousand dollars upside down in okay my the only thing i can think of doing is just letting it repo because she lives paycheck to paycheck she does have social security and pension um but we're not going to be able she's not not going to come up with $10,000 to sell it. And I'm just thinking if I let it repo, would that be a good idea? And then later when they try to get the money, we can try to settle it.

Right. How long ago did she get this vehicle? She's had it about a year. Okay. And she went and got this on her own? Yes. Okay. And she's paying $550 a year. Okay. And she went and got this on her own? Yes. Okay. And she's paying $550 a month in payment.

All right. And how much is owed on the vehicle? $28,000. Okay. My goodness. How long of a term did she get on this loan? She's got five or six years. Okay.

And it will only sell for $19,000 or $20,000, and that's if we six years. Okay. And she will only, it will only sell for 19 or 20 grand, and that's if we're lucky. Okay. It doesn't have any miles on it or nothing, but of course they do depreciate very quickly. So what's the balance that she owes right now? Just a little over 28 grand. So it is over 28. Okay. I thought that was the purchase price.

Here's what I would do. No, it was 36. I think the 36 was the purchase. Good grief. Yeah. Okay. Here's what I would do. You ask, do you let it get repossessed and then try to deal with it and settle it later? I like a more proactive stance, meaning

I would reach out to this dealership, I would contact them, and I would set an appointment to go sit down and talk with them. I'm going to tell them about what's going on with your mom, about her health situation, as well as the financial situation. I don't know how she qualified to get that first and foremost. But you being proactive, sitting down, talking to the manager, you write down the name of the person you're talking to as you've explained it, and talk with them about solutions through this. And you're being proactive.

And I would get their card with their email and I would follow up on this as well. I think turning a blind eye to it is only going to create more heartache and headache as it comes to legal fees. And Dr. D, I'll let you speak in on the psychological side of this. But the tactical side on the money is, yeah, I'm sitting down with the manager, explaining what's going on with your mother's health, explaining the situation with this vehicle, and what do they want. And it's almost like you're voluntarily surrendering the car back to them and begin to have the conversation from there, Gail.

Gail, do you have power of attorney over your mom? I just have health directive. Just health directive? Just to make her decision, okay yes she's we're picking her up from rehab tomorrow to bring her home so um so i can go ahead go ahead i'm sorry i just gonna say i was going to be having these discussions with her about the vehicle because between insurance and the car payment 700 a month that's going out the door right and i i love what chris said i i again i'm i am an overly optimistic humanitarian i think going and sitting down with the car dealership and

saying hey you can sue me for this and y'all can waste a bunch of legal fees and it's going to be nonsense or i'll hand you the keys right now i'm going to walk away and i don't expect them to just say you know what high five. But you may get lucky. The other thing I would recommend is this is going to be, and this is me, I'm speaking to you as a friend, just laying the truth out for you. This is going to be the first of many of these types of conversations moving forward. And so if you are married, if you've got brothers and sisters that you can have rational conversations with, the sooner you can plan a breakfast, get off site, get out of the house where it's not an emotional situation and just lay out the facts and say, who's going to take care of some of these harder decisions when mom's going to move out? Who's going to deal with the car? How are we going to deal with who's going

to be power of attorney? Who's going to be power of medical power attorney? All those things that no kid thinks about in their head. There's no picture. There's no path for this. You just got to bite the bullet and sit down and have them. No, you're absolutely right. And Gail, I would even tell you, you do want to get power of attorney. Someone needs to have that in place. That's going to allow you guys to conduct business on your mother's behalf. And I'm going to tell you something. I don't think you need to have the conversation with your mom about this car right after she's

had this medical situation. I would get in and start to have conversations with the your mom about this car right after she's had this medical situation. I would get in and start to have conversations with the manager at the car dealership, and you can bring it up when she's healthy enough to begin to discuss. We're not debating here. We're making some statements about what you're doing, and you're protecting her. But I agree with you, John. We've got to get family members together and begin to talk about this, and what's the plan moving forward?

One more quick tip, Gail. I want you to also get credit pulled on your mom, meaning you need to get from all three credit repositories. There's three of them, TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian. You need to get all three of those so you can look at a tri-merge report to see what other debts are in her name. And you can start to see this and be aware. And then when you guys, if you're not doing any more business in her name. And you can start to see this and be aware. And then when you guys, if you're not doing any more business in her name, then you could freeze her credit report. We talk about how to do that in Financial Peace University,

which is also right now, we have a free trial. So we'll get you connected with that, Gail, if you need it, and also get you connected with a financial coach that can walk you through that. Chris, again, I'm new to the money space. Do you have a plan or kind of a scale? What is this balance between the math problem and the ethical responsibility, right? I remember when the housing market crashed back in 08 and 09, there was a contingency of people who just took the keys back to the bank and said, I'm not paying them out. Here's your house back. back deed in lieu of foreclosure is what that's called so yeah what is you have like a like a guiding light to kind of tell somebody hey you know what you're

right you're upside down on the math but you signed a piece of paper telling somebody if they gave you this money you're gonna pay it back on them i hear this with student loans with cars and here's the reality did you borrow the money if you borrow the money you owe it that's that's how i feel now a caller asked me not long ago and this was on my show the chris hogan show she said i'm a company has approached her about wanting to negotiate a settlement and she goes is that okay and i said well first of all you can't make them accept anything right right so if they're willing to accept it then yes yes, it's fine. You can't make them take it. Right. And so as long as you're having open and honest dialogue,

what they end up with, then that's the deal. So, I mean, that's, that's my stance, but I think it's important for us to make sure we're standing up for ourselves, talking to people and having open and honest conversations. Excellent. Thank you. All right. Let's get, we're rolling here, man. All right. We got Sabrina on the line. Sabrina is calling us from Texas. How can we help you? Hi, guys. Thank you for taking my call.

I'm going to give you a little bit of backstory, and then I have a question. Okay. So my sister and I recently found out something about our parents' marriage. Their marriage has a history of alcohol and abuse, but we found out about some further abuse that really tore us apart. And my sister's decision from that was to have a conversation with my parents where she told them she uninvited them to her house and they can't see her children anymore, so their grandkids. And my parents were both really upset and sad. And my question for y'all is, my parents have been giving my sister

and I both financial assistance. And I'm pretty sure with that conversation, they were, they're planning to not help us anymore. My sister is okay, though. She has a house and she's married. For me, I am finishing up my last few weeks of grad school. I've got six weeks left and I'm doing a clinical rotation. And I know I can get a job, so I'm not really worried about the money. But more so, I wanted to ask how or if at all do I proceed with a relationship with my dad if it's really only ever been about money? And I'm not really sure how I feel about him or I just know that he's not going to change his ways so I'm not really sure where to go from here first and foremost um my heart breaks for you and for your sister and for your mom and dad that's a heavy that's a heavy moment in your

family's family tree here um here's what I want to do I want to honor this question honor you and I want to hold this over the break, and I want to give this the full attention that it requires. Absolutely. This is a real-world situation. It's life. And we're going to get back on the phone with Sabrina after the break. This is The Dave Ramsey Show. Thank you. You may feel like there's not a lot you can control these days, but I'm here to tell you,

you can control your budget and you can control what you feed your family. My longtime friends at eMeals are here to help. They have simplified meal plans and created new recipe collections such as easy pantry meals and freezer meals utilizing basic ingredients. It has never been easier to shop smarter and stay on a budget. Try it free for two full weeks at E-Meals.com. Hello, everyone. This is the Dave Ramsey Show, where we deal with your money and your life and talk to you. Before we went to break, we had Sabrina on the line. And Sabrina called in, Dr. D., and she had some pretty serious things going on with her family.

That's right. So Sabrina from Texas, Sabrina, let me walk this back and tell me if I'm on the right track here. There's a history of alcoholism, history of abuse with your parents. And your sister finally said enough's enough. I don't want them around my kids. You were a part of that conversation saying enough's enough, I don't want them around my kids. You were a part of that conversation saying enough's enough, and at the other side of it, your parents said, well, we're still financially supporting you guys, and so enough's enough with that too.

Is that about right? Yeah, pretty much. For my sister's conversation, I was just there for emotional support, so I didn't really say anything to my dad about the things he's been doing. And my parents didn't exactly say they were going to stop helping us, but I'm pretty sure they would. And, yeah. Yeah, so I think this is a real important question. And I think your follow-up with your sister is even more important.

And so here's some thoughts I've got. Number one, abuse of any kind. If kids don't feel safe, if you and your sister don't feel safe, if y'all have been in unsafe environments, if your mom's not safe, drawing boundaries is a moment of value. You look in the mirror saying, I'm worth more than this. My kid's safety is worth more than this. No more. And high five to you for being there with your sister. High five to your sister for saying, I'm not going to have this happen.

The other side of drawing boundaries is somebody who's speaking into your life, whether directionally or with money, are going to draw theirs. And so I want to tell you this, and I want you to hear me directly. And I think this is a conversation the whole country's having right now. There is a cost to boundaries, and there's a cost to saying no more, and that's not a bad thing. That may mean that you

have to say, I'm going to have to take out a second job, and I know I'm close to graduating in grad school, I know I'm there, but what's right is more important than whatever this money happens to be. What's right is more important than whatever this money happens to be. What's right is more important than a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner twice a year. What's right is me saying, you know what?

My kids aren't safe. My nephews and nieces aren't safe. My sister's not safe. I'm not safe. My mom's not safe. No more. And so I know that's hard. And so what I want to recommend you do this.

Number one, you have to have somebody probably other than your sister because that can get to be what I call just this reciprocal blender of, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and it just gets messy. Get somebody who's not your family, whether it's a close friend, whether it's a pastor, whether it's a counselor, a short-term counselor, just to walk you through this idea of going from a picture of everything's beautiful and pretty, and here's what Christmas looks like, to drawing a new picture, which is me graduated with my graduate degree with a Thanksgiving dinner that may look a little bit different for a couple of years.

And you're right. You're not going to change your mom or your dad. You're not going to change them. They are going to have to decide to change for themselves. And so the only picture you can paint moving forward is your own, right? And then that's going to be the second thing I want to recommend is you've got to craft a vision for what tomorrow is going to look like, and you've got to do the hard, annoying, frustrating, sad work of mourning what isn't anymore.

And what's not anymore is the way things have always been. It's going to be different now. Yeah. Sabrina, for you, as you get ready to approach the financial side, have you thought through the steps that you may have to do to take care of you? Sort of. Like I said, I'm only six weeks out from graduating, and I have – I've been listening to Dave Ramsey, so I have about $4,000 in an emergency fund, which is about my three months.

And I can find a part-time job to do in the evening or something on the weekend. And I really don't have any debts, so I should be okay. Yes, you will be okay, Sabrina. And I hope to goodness you are connected with a local church and have some people around you that you can talk to and lean on in a time of need. And you have had a clear vision. You've sacrificed. You've worked hard to get to this point. I want you to see it through. As you said, you're only six weeks away.

But you've got, again, that emotional side. Be careful because a lot of people will start to buy things to soothe in that time or isolate. And isolation is the most dangerous thing we can do. You need to connect more now than ever so you can talk about how you're feeling and what it is you need as an individual. And so we appreciate you reaching out. Our prayers go out to you and your family as you all begin to work through for this new normal. And, Chris, I'm a little bit different than other folks that I know in my same chair around the country. And I think everybody's redeemable. I think people who can look in the mirror and say, I'm sorry.

I'm going to do better tomorrow. I'm not a fan of writing people off. I just am not. I've had too many people offer me grace, pick me up from when I was stupid, pick up people who I love who did dumb things, and say, I'm going to walk alongside you. You're going to have to pay the piper on it. I'm going to walk alongside you, and you're going to grow from this.

And so I say that to say, Sabrina, the day that your mom and dad come to you and say, we've been wrong, we're going to take the necessary steps, we're going to get the professional help that we need we're going to atone for histories they may not they probably won't right but if they do don't give up on people don't give up on people that is a good word uh you know that the mindset is again and being connected in community is so important uh so you don't feel that you have to do anything alone. We're going to stay on the phone lines. We've got Rue is on the line.

Rue, how are you? Good. Good. Thank you for taking my call. This is me and Chris Hogan. Sure, sure. How can Dr. D and I help you? Well, it's really like kangaroo, by the way.

I love it. I love it. I'm not doing really well emotionally. First of all, I got in debt, probably like $100,000 in debt to break it down for you guys. I got $75,000 in student loans, $10,000 in credit cards,

$5,000 in auto loans, about $10,000 in taxes, and then like three grand for like borrowing money from my mom. And just with everything, I used to work in software sales. Businesses I was in was making good money.

Obviously, with COVID, things have changed. Some businesses are not purchasing as much. So they let me go. I'm in the state of Oregon, so they're including the current difficult. And so I actually picked up a job delivering pizzas, McDonald's pizza, ironically. And just to show my friends, I have a living girlfriend

that I was going to propose to. And what happened was I am a recovering alcoholic, but I relapsed. I started drinking last week just because of all the emotion that's going on in my life, and especially with society and how I like to talk about people buying alcohol. I just was losing it up in my mind. I just wanted some clarity on how I can get back on track. I just wanted just that peace, and I had that peace. I just wanted some clarity on how I can get back on track. I just wanted that peace. I feel like I'm in chaos.

Well, Rue, I'm proud of you for reaching out. Dr. D, what's your thought? Yeah, first thing I'm going to tell you, Rue, is you picked up the phone call, and that was a brave move. That's right. I'm sitting here in Nashville, Tennessee, and I hope if you were

sitting in front of me two feet away, I'd look you in the eye and tell you you're a person of value and you're better than drinking. And you know that, and that's why you called. And you didn't ironically get a job at Domino's. You got a job at Domino's because you've got strength and you've got resilience. And you're going to stand up on your own two feet with your fiance, with the people in your life that love you, and you're in a big hole. And so what I want you to do is to find people around you, go back to your recovery group

tomorrow, go to a Saturday recovery group, propose to that woman who's still by your side, and wrap that sucker sucker up and find people in your life that will look you in the eye and hold you accountable that aren't in your recovery group but are looking now and say um nope not today rue we love you we love you and you we're not going to let you talk to you in ways that we won't yeah we're not going to accept it um i want to stay on the line here we're going to get you a copy of financial peace university on us i want you and your soon-to-be new wife to walk through this together you got a big hundred thousand dollar hole yep chris what's he going to do well

you're going to take your time this debt stuff can get fixed my friend this is about your life and you don't let this debt get around you like that. You're going to get the right information. You're going to walk through this thing one step at a time because that's how you do it. But your life has value. You have something to bring to this and you're going to have a story to tell for other people out there that are wrestling with some tough stuff.

Rue, you can do this and we're here to help. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. Please hear me loud and clear. The government is not going to bail you out of your student loans, at least not completely and not without a catch. What they're talking about only impacts federal, not private loans, and you need to take responsibility for what you owe and pay your debt down quicker. Right now, Splash Financial is offering their lowest rates ever.

With lower rates and extra payments, you could just find yourself debt-free in the next five years. Visit SplashFinancial.com slash Ramsey to see if you qualify. Hello, everyone. You are listening to The Dave Ramsey Show. I'm Chris Hogan, and co-hosting with me this hour is John Deloney, and we're taking your questions on your life and your money. We want to hear from you. We know a lot of people have a lot of things going on right now. And one of the things you don't want to do is to isolate or think that your situation can't be improved because we know better. And so we want you to call us, 888-825-5225.

Again, that's 888-825-5225. We'd love to hear from you. All right, we're going to get to the phone lines. We've got on line four, we've got Tomet on the line. Tomet, how can John and I help you? Oh, Chris and John, I would love your help. Thank you so much for taking my call. Yes, ma'am. My husband and I have two adult children, a 25-year-old daughter and a 20-year-old son. They both finished college. Our daughter finished two years ago. She's been

working full-time. Our son finished in January. He's been working part-time. Both of them have been cut in their hours because of the COVID situation, and they're both dealing anxiety and stress because of it. Our son deals with Asperger's. Our daughter has anxiety and migraines. And so we're trying to be encouraging to both of them and letting them know this is just a chapter in life. My husband and I haven't seen anything like this before. And we're just trying to be encouraging and saying you've got something out there, especially for our son. He was trying to find a full-time job and the COVID thing happened and everything closed here in Arizona and any kind of advice to help them out. Also, Chris, our daughter is heartbroken

because she had to stop her 401k at work and we said, you'll get back to it. Don't worry. That's right. Well, you know what? Number one, I love your heart. You can hear that mother's heart in you talking about this as you talk about what your son and your daughter are dealing with. I think the best thing you could do is talk with them. You're right. We've never seen anything like this before, but you have been through some life before, Tomet. And I think the thing you could share with them is what you learned as you were walking through that difficulty. How do you begin to handle things like this? Because, Tamet, I think you've been around as long as I have, where we dealt with Y2K.

We dealt with 9-11. We dealt with the SARS epidemic. So what did you learn? I think the best thing you could do is to have that conversation with them, but to encourage them by sharing what you've done before in tough times. And Tamet, think of it this way. Think of anxiety as simply a, not a disease, not a medical disorder that you'll never heal from.

Think of anxiety as simply a disorder of disconnection. You're just untethered, right? You're just untethered, right? You're just untethered. And most of us, especially recent college grads and people who consume tons and tons and tons and tons of news, we try to tether ourselves to the world with information. We don't tether ourselves to other people. We don't tether ourselves to community.

We don't tether ourselves to one another. And so what I would do if I'm in your seat, if I've got two kids, a 25-year-old and a 20-year-old, and Asperger's is a different thing, right? And again, that makes the connection all the more challenging, right? So I would be telling my son who's got Asperger's to find an Asperger's group there, a community that he can get in touch with, whether that's through a local counselor who's going to have resource groups. But I would encourage him with all I can. Yes, it's important to find a job right now. It's equally, if not more important, to find a group of people he can get in some sort of proximity or contact to.

And I know that's hard with COVID and all that. Proximity and connection is important. And with your daughter, she's got to find a gang. She's got to find a troop, a group of people that she can call hers, that she can connect with at the soul level. Someone she can be vulnerable with, she can be honest with, and just say, hey, this sucks. This sucks. I'm 25. I just graduated.

I'm supposed to be living my best life. And it's frustrating. And here's the thing. You know, throughout this COVID situation where we had shelter in place and, you know, restaurants and everything was closed, so many people said, I've missed connection. And I'm thinking, well, we have devices. We have phones where you can FaceTime. We have Skype where you can see people. And I know what they mean, but just because you don't have physical proximity

doesn't mean you can't have connection. Those are two different things. That's right. And I often say that's one of my annoying taglines is like connection is different than communication. Communication is not connection. Often, what do we say, like 70% to 90% of communication is nonverbal? That's right. Right?

And so the person I text the most in the world is my wife. I love you. I love you. I love you. And what I'm sending her is 20 percent of our interaction i'm sending her black and white zeros and ones that say i love you i love you and i walk in the door and i don't think i need to say it anymore because i said it 20 times via text today i told my dad hey i love you man and i didn't call him he didn't hear me right um another thing moms and dads can do is you can write a letter and i don't know what it is i i'm it's got

something to do with holding it it's tangible write your kids a letter write them once a week you just say i'm thinking about you i love you and you can be silly here's a five dollar bill like grandma used to do when we were kids whatever it is but try to find ways to connect yeah and i think the best way too as a parent to be able to connect with your child or your adult children is ask questions so many times we will lead closed-in questions, and those are questions that get an answer of yes or no. We need to try open-ended questions. Tell me about.

How did you feel when? And what it does is it gets people to begin to open up. And I think as parents or even as friends or family members, listening to people, hearing them, actively listening to the point to where you're hearing what they're saying, but you're also hearing what's behind it. And those emotions can run deep. So you know what, Timet? I am very proud of you for reaching out.

I want you to keep having those conversations with your young adult children. Encourage them and then ask them, hey, what do you need? What can I do for you right now that will help you? And it's amazing. If we ask, people will answer. Yes, and I want all the parents in the country right now. Often more information is not what we need right now. We just need someone to listen to us.

We need someone to look us in the eye and say, I hear you, and I hurt with you. If you've been out of work, if you're frustrated, if you can't get that second job anymore, if you haven't been called off furlough yet, if your mayor hasn't opened up your town yet, whatever it is, connect, connect, connect, mom and dad. That's fantastic. All right, we're going to line two. We've got Adam.

Adam is calling us from Texas. Adam, how can we help you? Good afternoon, gentlemen. Thanks for taking my call. Recently I picked up a side gig, and I've been saving harder during this pandemic. And now I have about $14,000 in additional savings. And my question is, do I throw this extra money that I have and get rid of a car loan that has interest currently building on it?

Or do I throw this extra money at a federal student loan and attack the principal while there is no interest at the moment until November? Okay. Now, tell me this, Adam. Number one, what is your income right now? I make about $55,000 a year. Okay. And is your job stable right now? At the moment, it is.

They have conducted layoffs and furloughs, but currently, at the moment, it seems stable. Okay. So, on a scale of 1 to 100, what percent do you feel stability? I would say about 90%. Oh, so you feel strongly. Okay, so on a scale of 1 to 100, what percent do you feel stability? I would say about 90%. Oh, so you feel strongly. Okay. So then tell me the debts you have again. Start with your biggest debt. What is it?

So I have a federal student loan of about $25,000 in forbearance with no interest until November. Alright, and what else? And then I just refinanced a $16,000 car loan that does have interest. Okay. And what else? And that's it.

Okay. All right. So you've got the car, you've got $14,000 in savings. Is that $14,000 over and above your emergency fund, or is that including your emergency fund? That's over and above. Over and above. Okay. So your job is stable. You've got extra money. Okay. You've done a good job of saving. Now it's time to stroke a check that is large and is almost going to pay off your car. Okay. So I would

contact the place where you did the refinance, get a 30 day payoff on this car. And you're about to write this 14,000 that's over and above your on this car, and you're about to write this $14,000 that's over and above your emergency fund, this car payment is about to leave your life, my friend, and now you're going to have extra money to send toward the student loan, that you're right, it's in forbearance right now, but if you keep making payments, you're chopping it down, and you're going to make progress. That's exactly what I would do. How do you, Chris, how do you continue on when you keep plugging along

and it's month three, it's month five, it's month ten, and it just feels like you're swinging that ax and the chops and the holes in the tree just aren't feeling like they're getting deeper. Yeah. Well, the bottom line is you've got to be motivated to know what you're chasing down. What happens when that tree falls? When you get that debt out of your life? He knows full well.

Writing that $14,000 check means that this car payment is about to get out of his life. He's going to walk two inches taller. Listen to me. He's going to feel lighter, fluffier. He's going to feel ready to roll, baby. You've got to be motivated. You've got to know what you're chasing down is worthwhile because it absolutely is. Listen, I want to thank all the callers for taking the time to call in.

I want to thank the show production team. We've got Kelly Daniel. We've got my name, man, James Childs as the producer and everyone else. Dr. D, thank you for joining us. This has been the Dave Ramsey Show. This is James Childs, producer of the Dave Ramsey Show. On your smart speaker, you can add our skill by saying, Alexa, open the Ramsey Network skill. From there, you can listen to all our shows. Ask Dave money questions like, how do I invest my money?

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