The Ramsey Show - App - When Can I Take a Vacation? (Hour 2)

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

Dave Ramsey & Kristina Ellis discuss: Moving from intensity to intentionality, Preparing for a disability later in life, How to financially prepare for college for a child with a disability, The financial implications of shacking up. Want a plan for your money? Find out where to start: https://bit.ly/3nInETX Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts: https://bit.ly/3GxiXm6

Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, it's the Ramsey Show, where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. We help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create actual amazing relationships. Christina Ellis, Ramsey Personality, number one best-selling author, is my co-host today. The phone number is 888-825-5225. The call is free, and some say it's worth exactly what you pay for it. Chris is with us in Omaha, Nebraska.

Hi, Chris. Welcome to the Ramsey Show. Hi there. How's your guys' day going? day going better than we deserve sir how can we help so i was wanting to get some advice from you um i'm in the military i've been in about 18 years and i'm getting ready to retire here in about two years so with that being said, my source of income is going to be changing a little bit. And over the past year, my wife and I, we've paid off all of our credit card debt and our loan debt. And I think the only thing that we have left is about $95,000 on a house that I just bought last year. So with that being said, uh, part of the way that I was able to pay off part of my house, uh, it was about 205,000. I paid 105,000 down payment. Uh, I was able to save up some money while I was out on mission. And, uh, since my

wife and I have gotten married a few months ago, we have not taken a honeymoon or anything like that. I was wanting to know if you thought it was prudent to save up for a honeymoon or some type of vacation, or if we should try to pay off as much of the house as humanly possible in the next two years and then go after a later honeymoon after that is completed. Do you have a fully funded emergency fund right now? Right now we have about $2,000 saved up. My wife just started a brand new career a few weeks ago,

and she and I, both barter incomes together for about a hundred thousand dollars um and she's working on saving up so that way we can have uh probably a four or five month emergency fund and then after that we were wanting to chip away at the mortgage um so we're still a couple months, two or three months away from that. After that, I was just wanting to know what you guys thought. Thank you. Thank you for your service. What are you talking about spending on the honeymoon?

We're looking at maybe $5,000. And you're going to do that now or after the emergency fund is done or when? When are you planning on doing that? After the emergency fund, but I wanted to know what you thought of doing it before the mortgage was turned off or if we should. I would. You would? Yeah. In other words, that's by Christmas. Like this fall, you go on your honeymoon. Okay. Yeah. How old are you? I am 36. Okay, cool. How old are you? I am 36. Okay, cool.

Again, thank you for your service. I appreciate that. This is not the financial advisor. This is the old husband that's been married 40 years. It's a really good investment to do this honeymoon thing. Okay. And it sounds like y'all have been working really hard the fact that you put down such a big down payment you paid off all your debts you've been doing a lot of things right and really committed

to it so it's like once you hit baby steps four through six you know you're still working hard you're still following the process but you can breathe a little bit more you can take that honeymoon you're going on vacation exactly right after you've gotten baby step three in place you're a debt-free except the house you have the emergency fund four five and six just like you just said is where you save up and do some other stuff uh and that means like that's where you buy a couch or you go on a vacation or you pay cash for an upgrade in car or whatever it is you're going to do all of that after between baby step three while you're doing four or five and six and what that means is it's going to reduce every time you do one of those consumption things that you do need to do at that stage um it's going to reduce the

speed at which you pay off your mortgage and so we we teach you to be intense baby steps one through three getting out of debt and having the emergency fund, nothing happens there. No vacation. No eating out. Beans and rice, rice and beans. And once you move past your emergency fund being in place, you move from intense to intentional. And that's what we're saying here. Now we're intentional.

And that's exactly the way Chris was asking the question. So he's ahead of the game. And I love, like, the fact that he is so motivated to pay off the house. Like, don't lose that motivation. We're're not saying that but you can take a honeymoon breathe a little bit but definitely keeping that intentionality is awesome jacobson chicago hey jacob what's up hey dave it's a pleasure yes sir how can we help yes so um i uh i've been really fortunate to have a great career um at my young age through 28, but I was recently diagnosed with a progressive eye condition that'll leave me blind in 15 to 20 years,

and I sort of have a lot of financial questions related to that, but specifically, how do I think about a 401K, which wouldn't pay me until my 60s or generally get my affairs in order? Yeah. Wow. I'm sorry. You've gotten a second opinions and everything, and you're working the process, I assume. Yeah. Unfortunately, second and third opinion all said the same thing.

Okay. So what is it, glaucoma? It's called retinitis pigmentosa, so I'll sort of progressively lose my vision. Wow. Okay. You've got a lot of preparation to do. That's the bad news. The good news is that you've got some time and you can do this.

So you're exactly right. You need to be funding something in addition to or instead of a 401K so that you can get to it. Because if you're 28 and we need to do 30, 15, that's 45 years old. You're going to be 15 years before you can start tapping into a 401k. So you really got to build up some non 401k investing, some non retirement investing. And what I would do is sit down with a smart investor pro and probably redirect your baby step forward 15% of your income going into retirement. I would just redirect that and say it's not going into a classic retirement. It's going to just go into good mutual funds.

And here's the thing I want you to look for, Jacob. I want you to look for what's called a low turnover mutual fund. All right? Okay. Are you ready for me to teach you for a second yes absolutely okay turnover in a mutual fund means what percentage of the stocks in the mutual fund do they sell every year so one that turns over the stocks a lot would be like an aggressive growth stock mutual fund it it might have a 200% turnover ratio,

meaning they might roll the whole puppy over twice in a year. Okay? You don't want that. You want a low turnover, which by definition is a 5% or less turnover ratio. An example of that is an S&P 500 fund. They almost always have, like a Vanguard or a Fidelity has those, almost always have a low turnover ratio. Now, here's why you want that.

Because then all of your gains are not taxed until you cash it out. See, if you buy a share of stock, like Home Depot for $50, I just made that up, and it goes to $75, you don't pay taxes on the $25 gain until you sell it. And since your mutual fund is not selling any stocks inside of it with the low turnover ratio, it's growing without taxes until you cash it out. It's growing at capital gains rate, like a house going up in value. You don't pay taxes on it until you sell it. Same thing.

So the low turnover ratio allows you to grow at capital gains rate, number one. But number two, more importantly, it allows you to grow without any taxes on it until you cash it out. Talk to your smart investor pro. They can help you get that set up. I'm sorry you're facing this, sir. I just saw a study that really made me sad. It showed that families owning life insurance in the U.S. was at its lowest point since the 1970s. After what we've been through the past few years, I'm just

lost on how people don't make this more of a priority. How are you going to make sure your family needs are met if something happens to you? This is why getting term life is an absolute necessity. Rates have never been cheaper and the whole process to apply is pretty simple with many companies not even requiring an exam anymore. This is why I send you to Zander Insurance and I have for almost 25 years. They'll make sure you get the right protection at the lowest cost possible and they're there for you and your family every day. I challenge all of you to make sure your families are protected. It needs to be a top priority.

Call Zander at 800-356-4282 or visit zander.com. That's 800-356-4282 or zander.com. Christina Ellis Ramsey personality is my co-host today. Thank you for joining us, America. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Well, June 21st was KTAR Day in the state of Arizona as the legendary station celebrated its 100th anniversary on the air in Phoenix. We are honored to be part of the KTAR team. Other affiliates like KTSA in San Antonio, WMT in Cedar Rapids

are also celebrating their 100th anniversary this year. Radio's 100th anniversary was November of 2020. And we've not been on the air 100 years yet, but we are celebrating 30 years actually this week. It'll be the 25th, which is I think Saturday. It won't be on the air, but that will be 30 years from the day I first went on the radio. But KTAR, thank you guys, and congratulations. Thanks

for continuing to carry the Ramsey Show. It is an absolute powerhouse of a talk radio station over there in Phoenix, and we love going to Phoenix for that reason. We love all you folks in Phoenix. We've got a bazillion listeners there, and we're honored by that. Thank very much and congratulations from your 100th year wow that's pretty cool and no one that works there was there when it started i'm kidding

that i know of i'm pretty sure i know most of those folks and i don't think any of them are that old so how many folks of you are out there stressed out about your retirement you've looked up and seen a bear market the scary bear is here which means the market is on sale and you have the opportunity to buy something on sale you don't gripe about that when it's a purse why do you gripe about it when it's your retirement account buy more it's on sale you don't need it today anyway ride or out baby but hey you gotta have somebody in your corner talking to you that way and that's why we recommend a smartVestor Pro. They're experienced investing professionals who will teach you and give you perspective in these scary, scary times.

I'm kind of being sarcastic, but they are scary. Go to RamseySolutions.com slash SmartVestor. You can find a SmartVestor Pro in your area to walk with you through the ups and the downs, and they'll remind you that no one gets hurt on a roller coaster except those that jump off in the middle of the ride. Our question of the day comes from Blinds.com. Find out for yourself why Blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window coverings, free samples, free shipping, new promos all the time.

You'll save even more. Always use that promo code Ramsey. It's a great American company. I love this company, blinds.com. Today's question comes from Hannah in New York. Our six-year-old daughter has a disability and language delay with ADHD and autism. I have a learning disorder and was denied admission to all our state colleges. I do not want the same path for my daughter.

Are kids with disabilities able to go to college? And if so, how do we start planning now to help her navigate any challenges that would come her way? Oh, this is such a good question. Well, first of all, yes. Yes, they can go to college. Absolutely. A few things come to mind in terms of preparing, especially at this age. It's so great that you're thinking about it now. One thing is to help her develop skills. So when she goes to college, she's going to be independent. So starting right now on those independent skills are great. Work on starting and finishing tasks, following routines, communication, and especially self-advocacy, helping her understand how to ask for what she needs in order to be successful.

And then when it comes to school, you guys obviously have a journey ahead of you. Being involved in the development of her IEP, which is the Individualized Education Plan. You know, as a parent, you can have a say in that. You get to be involved with the teachers, with the professionals in the schools developing that. So, you know, be involved in that process. Figure out what works best for your student. And especially as you get into high school and you're thinking about the classes that are going to be taken, you know, make sure you're involved in that process. You know, some are going to be better than others. Some are going to look like they have a lot of accommodations, but they may not be great. So, you know, start exploring what those colleges are, and then ask them, what are the requirements for admissions? And, you know, what kind of classes

do they require? And what's going to be needed for your daughter in order to get in? And then kind of work backwards, especially when you're looking at high school, when you're thinking through that IEP, make sure that the requirements are met so that once it's time to apply for colleges, she's ready for that. And then also go to the colleges in person because it's easy to see something online and it's easy to seem like they're going to accommodate your student, but get in there and ask questions, meet with the people in the center and really take ownership of this process. You know, it's a different experience than in high school. In high school, there's going to be a lot more state-involved requirements.

They're going to be a lot more accommodating. And once your student's in college, it's really going to be more on your student and you to really advocate and take ownership of the process. Yeah, if you plug into it in a good college, most of the colleges do a a really good job of uh you but you need to plug into the center you don't just sign up as a regular student and waltz around campus you know you need to plug into because it's built in the cost of your tuition it's not an extra cost uh so plug into the counseling center plug into the different areas there, and help them develop some plans around this. And obviously, wherever she falls on the autism spectrum is going to dictate whether she's actually going to do well academically at the collegiate level, at that level.

And, you know, lots of people on the autism spectrum do very well in college. Very well. But they're on one end of the spectrum. If you've got an extreme situation, it's very difficult. But all learning is if you're in an extreme situation. So it can be done, certainly. And there is a lot of built-in advocacy systems in the process, and they're built into your cost of tuition. And I can't agree

more you gotta visit the the school because here's the thing they can build a beautiful you know center for whatever and put people in there that don't care yeah and it doesn't matter but they can build a not so great center or have an old building and people in there that super care and that make all the difference in the world and so that's what you need to get on and you won't you won't tell that online you can you can breathe it in the air though when you go in there and you look at the people's faces and you catch their body language and do they lean in and are they are they there to serve and they're to help and do they have a special place in their heart for this and all that kind of stuff it makes a huge difference. So as you go along,

six years old, we may not know exactly what you're facing. There's a lot of things can happen over the next 10 years. And there will be a lot of things that happen with autism and ADHD over the next 10 years. And there will be a lot of development issues with your daughter. So we'll see where everything lands. But yes, there's a lot of possibilities there and we don't just um you know my uh youngest when he got ready to go first kid we put her in school we cried and cried and cried second kid we cried for a day or an hour the third kid we just said college is that way okay and you can't do that here you can't just go college is that way okay you got to welcome in and through the process and that will keep you from just getting the door slammed in her face yeah and i love that

she's asking this question at this age because it's very very smart yes it's such good foresight to be thinking through these things developing the skills working through the different ieps while she's in school and then really being proactive about the college part of things it's just really going to set her up for success. Very well done. Mary is in L.A. Hi, Mary. Welcome to The Ramsey Show.

Hi. Thank you so much for having me. Sure. What's up? I'm sorry. My parents passed away a year and a half ago. I'm sorry. I just, right now, my brothers both live at their house, and they're going to sell the house,

and I feel very excluded in the whole process because they are planning on selling the house, and they're planning on purchasing another house together are they not planning on cutting you a third of the house proceeds that's basically how they're seeing it um um are they i'm sorry are they are going to give you one third of the house proceeds no they they do not plan on giving me anything. What makes them think they can get away with that? So when my parents passed away, they passed away early last year.

And then in October last year, we went to the probate lawyer. And I almost, out of guilt, I signed over, like my older brother and I both signed over a right to my younger brother, like, to be basically in control of the house. No. No, I think you need an attorney. You need an attorney, and you're going to have to step back into this. They don't get to just decide this crap. That's not how it works in probate. There's a thing called law, and even in California, they have laws.

And so, yeah, you need a lawyer right now.selling author and Ramsey personality, is my co-host today. In the lobby of Ramsey Solutions on the debt-free stage, Jeff and Tammy are with us. Hey, guys, how are you? We're wonderful. Welcome, welcome. And where do you guys live? We live in a little town in the middle of Shenandoah Valley called Stewart's Draft in Virginia. Okay, and what's that near? It is near Charlottesville. Charlottesville. Okay, wow, wonderful. Good. Welcome to Nashville. How much debt have you paid off? Well, we paid off $80,000. Cool. How long did that take? About three years, right at three years. Good for you.

And your range of income during that time? It was pretty much $86,000 for about the entire time. It's gone up a little since then, fortunately, but it was right at $86,000. Cool. What do you all do for a living? We both work in nonprofits. I'm an executive director of a small social service nonprofit. And I'm a social worker.

Very good. Very good. What kind of debt was the $80,000? Dumb debt. There were a couple of cars, several credit cards. There was even a midlife crisis car. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. So that's what it was.

She's pointing at him, for those of you on radio. Yeah. Okay, so what was the midlife crisis car? What did you buy? Cadillac XLR. Whee! Nice. Not bad. Like it, like it, like it like it all right so what happened three years ago what was the wake-up call and how'd you get tied into this ramsey stuff well we have only been married for two years okay we're on our second marriage we

were both in long-term marriages previously and And he divorced in 2010, I in 2016. And we left our marriages with a lot of debt and no retirement. And it was a bad situation. And my kids were afraid we were going to end up on their couch. And they didn't really, they weren't looking forward to that so when we met we both had heard about the Ramsey solution but Jeff was way more into it and so were your kids pushing it too no no they were just they just wanted me they're just worried about you they were glad that I found somebody to share my life with and i wasn't going to end up with them oh wow that's right wow

and i like to say until that point my life motto was roman 715 where it says i don't know what i'm doing i don't practice the things i know i should do instead i do the things i hate and that was basically how i was living life yeah it's really time to change that yeah we all have a time or two in our lives for sure. Well done, guys. So $80,000, that's a lot, especially on $86,000 a year. What did you all do to pay off that debt? Well, we sold everything we could out of the house, got rid of just about everything that we didn't necessarily need.

We did the every dollar budget and stuck to it, did not eat out at all, cleared out our cabinets, cleared out our freezer, made sure we ate everything that we could before we bought anything else. And literally just cut everything in life that we didn't have to have. Cut out cable, cut out all the extras that we didn't need and just hunkered down and chopped those things off from smallest to largest. And it was just, it was fun. Yeah. Way to go, y'all. Very, very good. Who are your biggest cheerleaders in this process? I think just each other.

We really didn't share our journey with anyone. Well, the irony of this is we got married March 21, 2020. Oh, of course. I like to say we got married and the world will never be the same. Literally. We were going to get married in Texas and literally everything shut down. And so as we were heading back to Virginia, she was all disappointed because she was like, you know, we cash flowed this wedding. We have all these things with this date on it. And she's on her phone.

And we wound up getting married somewhere outside of Dollywood because you could get the license and get married that day. And we still got married on the day we wanted to uh and then we got home and everything closed up so that at that point we really got serious about things and decided we just needed to change our life because our life was changing around the ultimate honeymoon quarantine yes exactly yeah yeah wow you guys amazing very cool i'm proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. How does it feel to be free? It's awesome. It feels good.

In the past year, being free from debt, we did a remodel of our kitchen. We cash flowed it. My daughter needed a car. We cash flowed that. Our air conditioner a couple of weeks ago went out. We did a grave service for it. It's 25 years old, so there's no fixing it when we get home that's about ten thousand dollars that we're going to cash flow that and we still have our emergency funds so life is different and you still got plenty of time to build retirement yes yeah and not be on the kids couch that's right they're happy and i love that when the world shut down and things are crazy and you're newlyweds that instead of just being like, oh, like a victim of it, like this is a bummer. Y'all pressed in and you went hard on this debt. That's just

incredible. What would you tell people who, you know, feel frustrated? They feel like they can't pay off their debt. You know, they're worried about retirement savings that were in your shoes. What would you tell them to encourage them? Well, I'd say, first off, the snowball plan works. At first, I was scratching my head going, well but wait, I'm paying 15% on this card, and this one's only 3%. And then I realized, like Dave always says, at the end of the month when I've got eight bills to pay and the next month there's only seven,

that's really cool mentally. I only owe seven people now, and then a few months later only six. And I would just say it just takes the time, and the momentum does build up like a snowball. And following the baby steps is the perfect way to do that yeah way to go you guys thank you and we definitely started communicating more because that wasn't in a previous relationship so it became fun to sit

down and learn where our money was going yeah and um saying hey we have this and do it together and we did it together and that was and we're actually making progress because we were broke before right in the other place yeah i mean we got you got better marriage better financial situation this is a good process yes and i got to tell you now at the end of every month when we do next month's budget we're looking going well we've budgeted everything and there's like a thousand dollars left here we can start paying down the house we can put more in retirement and that never was a possibility before it was i'm a thousand dollars short where do i cut yeah yeah most of your life yes right absolutely how does that feel how's it feel to be debt free it feels great i don't feel guilty getting my nails done anymore get G'day, girl. There it is, ladies and

gentlemen. That's the reason to do it. Something I have never said. Well done, you two. We're very proud of you. We got a copy of Baby Steps Millionaires for you. We want you to finish this up now. Let's go be millionaires. You're on your way. Yes. You can do this. You really, really can, actually. It's very cool. And we've got a copy of total money makeover for you probably give that

away to one of the kids and say this is why we're not on your couch and uh also we've got financial peace university a one-year membership to that and ramsey plus along with the every dollar premium version and that's the brand new videos in financial peace university the class has all just been redone it's the best it's ever been so go through it or or send somebody through it whichever one you guys want to do we're proud of you heroes thank you for the control of your life you looked in the rearview mirror and said i don't like what's back there so we need a new thing new view out the windshield and you got it all the way across the board. A fresh start. Way to go. Thank you. Good job. Jeff and Tammy from Virginia, $80,000 paid off in three years, making $86,000.

Count it down. Let's hear a debt-free scream. Three, two, one. We're debt-free! We're debt-free! Yeah! Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Excellent job, you two man you get those nails done amen amen amen i have no idea why we do that yeah amen makes no sense to people like me but amen it's just something that has to be done i have figured that out after 40 years of marriage.

So some things you don't have to understand. You just got to do them. That's a good way. China. China. I don't understand China. We spend a lot of money on these dishes that sits in the cabinet. And we have to have a cabinet to hold the dishes that we don't use.

I don't understand this. These are things men don't get. Most men, anyway. So it doesn't matter. You don't get i'm most men anyway so doesn't matter you don't have to get it you just got to get it there you go happy wife happy life so there we go what is the biggest benefit of debt freedom i can get my nails done there you go i like it you gotta love it though that's exactly right i can live my life without stress and guilt right because people do so many things and then they feel guilty people walk around half of our

culture with a financial hangover. They get up and do stuff the next morning. They go, oh, God, what did I do? Oh, God. Messed that up. And they feel guilty half the time. They walk around shaming themselves all the time instead of just taking control of this and getting it cleaned up. That's why we're here, boys and girls.

We're here to help you. And sometimes that means we love you enough to tell you the truth, and it's brutal. But we'll tell you that because we love you. This is The Ramsey Show. Thank you. Christina Ellis, number one best-selling author and Ramsey personality is my co-host today. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Jason's in Redding, Pennsylvania. Hi, Jason. Welcome to the Ramsey Show. Hey, Dave.

How are you guys doing? Better than we deserve. What's up? Well, I got a little dilemma here, and I'm trying to figure it out. I live with my girlfriend. Her and I have a house, and her son lives there, too. And then he decided to ask if we were okay, if his girlfriend got kicked out of his house or her mom's house. So she moved in with us and they,

you know, I agreed on like two or three months and I'm thinking that was okay. They both continue to make like well over $200,000 a year. So I really don't see why they just won't just take that step. You know, and my girlfriend is basically on their side and every time i was trying to say something it's like i get like the backlash and i'm like they need to have that kick in the butt to get moving but i don't know how to get her on board

with me and it's just it's so frustrating so frustrating um who owns your house who owns the Frustrating. So frustrating. Who owns the house? Actually, we're renting the house. We are renting the house. Who's on the lease? It's just her. It's just my girlfriend, actually. So it's actually her house.

Yeah, it's basically her house. I lived in with her when we got together. So she's allowing you to live there? No, basically, I guess. Legally speaking, that's what's happening. Well, she asked me to move. She did ask me to move. I know, but she's allowing you. I didn't say you were there against her will, but she's allowing you.

She's the lease person on the lease. She's in charge. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And so how long have you been there? Two years now.

Okay. And, uh, how old is her son? 26. And the girl, his girlfriend is 20. And he was there before you got there. Yeah. Yeah. He said he was going to be leaving a year after he graduated from the

school. I got his doing over a year now and it's just there's no exit plan at all I'm like well what do we do here um um sigh the only way the only way I know how to answer questions

on this show is to tell you what I would do if I woke up in your shoes but I wouldn't wake up in your shoes so because I wouldn't have made these decisions um so i think i've just got to backtrack and go okay i think what we've got to decide here i don't think you're going to get between this lady and her son when you are the boyfriend that is not on the lease yeah yeah you're not exactly in a position of power relationally or legally and so i think maybe you've got to decide if this is a permanent relationship or not oh i'm that was more than that that's what that's what the plan was okay then if we're

going to get married then it's a different set of rules oh yeah that was already in the plan well no no i mean you know i think that's part of the discussion here it's like honey okay we're going to set a date and you know now if we're going to set a date now we've got to go into pre-marriage counseling and part of pre-marriage counseling is how we deal with uh extended family which is grown kids parents in-laws cousins that are crazy, whatever. And if you don't have a plan as a couple to stay unified while you deal with extended family, in other words, she believes you deeply love her son and want what's best for him,

and she does too, and we're going to treat them as 26-year-old adults that make $200,000 a year, then you can do that as a husband and wife, and you need to be unified on that before you become husband and wife. And then that's also going to change the status of the lease as well, because now we're both going to be husband and wife on the house that we rent as a couple. Now he's just trespassing once you make that change. But right now you may be trespassing. You're both there with her agreement, but she's in charge of this right now.

Yeah. You don't have much of a ground to argue from right now. So, you know, I think you're gonna have to you know turn up the heat on progressing this relationship and causing it to become a marriage and as a part of that deal with this situation because i don't think there's a chance in the current scenario that you're gonna get between her and her baby boy well yeah i'm not trying to get between these yeah you are well i just keep getting different stories i would be if i yeah, I'm not trying to get between. Yeah, you are. Well, I just keep getting different stories.

I would be. If I were you, I'd be trying to get between her because he needs to get his butt out of there and be a man. Well, I really do. But you're not in a position to cause this to happen because right now you're just a trespasser. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying. I understand from that aspect, yeah. It's just I keep hearing different stories, you know, and they're saying i do i understand from that aspect yeah it's just

like he carried different stories you know they're saving for how i don't i don't think you i don't think you're going to change the narrative here because you don't have any influence she he has way more influence with her right now than you do yeah that's my yeah it doesn't seem that way that's my problem yeah that's a relationship problem and some of that is based on the fact that you moved into her house and you are not married and so it changes the dynamic of the relationship it's just the reality of the process changes the legality of it but it also changes the dynamic of how the relationship functions because relationships are about or one, not about, but one of the things relationships are about is power and who has it and who's going to hand it over and back and forth. So, you know, in a good, healthy marriage, there's a give and take of power. You know, we laugh and say, you know, my wife wants to get her nails done.

I don't understand, but she goes and gets it done. But that's a giving up of power. There's a different, you know we laugh and say you know my wife wants to get her nails done i don't understand but she goes and gets it done but that's a giving up a power there's a different you know and so i choose to serve my wife but that's a handing of power she chooses to make me dinner that's a handing of power she you know she's serving we all are giving you know these are power transfers and you're in a powerless position yeah that, that's good. That's really good. I think, especially approaching it from a marriage perspective and just a relational perspective, I have a lot of questions with the relationship with the son and kind of the resistance to that, but I think you're right to first kind of deal with it directly with the girlfriend and kind of work on that relationship first, because that narrative between her and him that's seems to go pretty deep yeah i mean there's you know we're perpetuating

stupid ideas here is what amounts to um but you're not in a position to do anything about it right now so you're going to either have to get in a position of power so that you can be gentle and kind. Because you really can't be gentle and kind when you're weak. It causes you to thrash about. And I remember one time when Rachel was a brand new baby. We looked up and her toddler sister was carrying her down the stairs. And we about had a heart attack. Because this is an accident looking for a place

to happen point being the weak can't carry the weak the strong should can carry the weak that's you know you can't do it from a position of weakness and so you can't be kind and gentle from a position of weakness you can't be um can't carry a newborn down the stairs when you're virtually a newborn yourself and so you know you have to get yourself uh financially in a position relationally in a position and legally in a position where you can be kind and gentle to this young man then you can put your arm around him and you know whisper in his ear and kick his little butt and get him out he makes 200,000 dollars a year he's 26 years old time to get on with it boy be a man step up step out but you can't do that

when you're the move-in boyfriend it don't work it just you don't have the leverage you're not in a position sorry and uh it's good it's a good question it's interesting discussion but it's uh it's one of the dynamics that we face in our culture today um because there's a one of the things we face you and i face all the time we're trying to answer questions for people they're shacking up on how to handle money like a married couple when they're not a married couple because you really can't you're really roommates legally relationally spiritually you know you're still fighting over who bought the mustard like you're like you had a roommate in college you know that's my mustard and it's your mustard you bought that mustard didn't you why can i have some of your mustard? You know, and you're doing all this crap.

You don't do that when you're married. You don't have my mustard, your mustard. It's just our mustard when you're married, you know? And where's our mustard? You know, it's not like, where's my mustard? You know, it's just, I'm standing looking at the door, and it's right there, but I can't see it. This is a husband thing, right? But all of that to say it's very difficult to do things in a way when you're not that thing. Right. But the all of that to say it's very difficult to do things in a way when you're not that thing.

Right. And that's that's what we process here. And there's all kinds of data to back this up. It's not just an old fart with a moral statement. You know, there's stuff going on here. So I love that perspective shift, too, in the illustration with the baby carrying the baby. Like you got to be strong to be able to help other people and be able to speak into their lives on that level. Exactly. This is The Ramsey Show. Dave here.

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