The Ramsey Show - App - You Can't Do Life Alone, But You Also Need Boundaries (Hour 3)

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

John Delony & Jade Warshaw answer your questions and discuss: What to do as a church with massive mortgage debt, from the blog: The Church In Financial Crisis "Should we move in with my parents to save money?" from the blog: How to Save Money: 23 Simple Tips How you're responsible for the solution to your own problems, from the blog: You Are the Problem...and the Solution! Why a taking out a HELOC is horrible way to fast track savings, "How do I tell my wife it's time for her mom to move out of our house?", from the blog: How to Set Boundaries: 7 Simple Steps Have a question for the show? Call 888-825-5225 Weekdays from 2-5pm ET Want a plan for your money? Take our FREE 3 minute assessment: https://bit.ly/3nInETX Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts: https://bit.ly/3GxiXm6 Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Девочка-пай Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Pods Moving and Storage Studio, it's the Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work they love, and build actual, incredible relationships. I'm John Deloney, joined here by Jade Warshaw. We're taking your calls on life and money and marriage and whatever else is going on in your kids' work, all of it. 888-825-5225.

It's 888-825-5225. Let's go out to Brad in the Bay, Tampa, Florida. What's up, Brad? Hey, thanks for taking my call, guys. You got it. What's happening? Brother, I've got an easy question and a hard question. My easy question is this.

Do you guys know how awesome you really are? Ooh, do you know how awesome you really are? I accept. I accept, Brad. And I also, I know that that means the next question is going to be real real bad it is you are you buttering us up i am man i'm fattening you up for the kill oh what have you done brad what have you done i'm telling you oh no it's not well okay so let's get to the tough part right so i'm a pastor of a really really great church in tampa. I inherited a mess, sadly, and I've been here

nine years. It didn't take me long to find out that the church had every financial and immoral scandal that you can imagine. We've been through a lot. We've grown a lot. It's such a sad story, but if you can imagine, when ministries go through things like this, there is always a financial repercussion that is behind that type of scandal. So here's my story, the brief version. We started with $1.2 million of debt. The deacons didn't know we had it. The church didn't know we had it. And I found it out when I actually arrived here as pastor. I did not even know when I came here that we had this debt. Was it secured debt, or is it frivolous,

or is it on a building project? What's the debt on? It was $1.2 million in secured debt mortgage. It was another $300,000, almost $300,000 in unsecured debt, florists, a host of other different things. And so the short version of it is we have gotten rid of every unsecured debt creditor that we had. We've worked the mortgage down in seven years. We've worked it down from $1.2 million to just over $600,000. Wow. Way to go, man. Yeah. And so here's where I'm at. This is kind of a problem now. I've been reading the headlines that it looks like the interest rate may be going up three times possibly by the end of this calendar year. And I don't know what to do. There's no debt snowball that I'm aware of that we could do at this point. All we have left is our mortgage. It's about $6,000. It's a little over $6,000 a month that we're paying into this.

Of course, you know the situation with the interest rate rising last year. If we do that again three times this year, it's just hurting us. It's just really an anchor around our neck. Is the debt on an adjustable arm? No, it's not. So you're talking about the increase in interest rates will negatively impact the tithing? Yeah, we're trying to figure out why your interest rate on the mortgage would be higher. I'm sorry, I might have gotten that wrong. The interest rate, every time it goes, I'm not sure about that terminology, but the interest rate, every time it goes up, it is causing the payment that we are making to go less to principal

and more to interest. So your rate is adjustable, it sounds like. Yeah, it's called adjustable rate mortgage, which is the absolute worst kind because it, yeah, that's what a mess. So we have that. Here's the good news. We're sitting on 7.2 acres of real estate in Tampa Bay. We have no other debt other than the typical church expenses, so on and so forth. How big is your church? 600. And we run about 100, 150. Okay. Wow, you guys made a lot of, sorry, I just need to acknowledge the... Yeah, I don't know if we could coin a new term here, but we called it Project Anaconda. Man. We just kept squeezing and squeezing and squeezing.

You sure did. We had to say no to so many things. And so we're doing well, you know, spiritually. There's unity in the church. The church is with me. The church is growing. It's beautiful. I mean, it's amazing how, you know, we really have seen God just turn this place around.

It's really emotional for me. But I don't know what to do at this point. Is it possible to refinance out of that adjustable rate mortgage and into something that's a fixed rate? It's possible that we could do that. But I actually spoke with a friend of mine who advised against that. I'm not exactly sure if that's the best way to do it, or if my other solution, which is to take the money that we have and just attack the debt, even if it causes us to have a low balance in our accounts. You know, for example, right now, our Christian school,

we have about $225,000 in that account. We have an emergency fund of $50,000 that's been set aside. We have a little over $100,000 in our general fund. So we have some money. So my question is, and we do this fundraiser every May to attack the debt. So my question is, should we just stay the course? It looks like in about six, six and a half, seven years, we'll be paid off. Yeah. But if we keep throwing chunks of money at this, is that the best solution to avoid interest? Or should we or should I suggest to our church, our elders and deacons that we nearly empty our accounts and just really just go for it? I don't know that I would empty the accounts.

I think that you do need to have some money set aside because it's not your personal finances. Yeah. So I would not, I wouldn't empty accounts. I would stay the course and I would get with all of the planning committees and every committee and talk about how we raise funds and just get really crazy about doing events, doing anything that you can to raise money, and just keep attacking this debt. You know, if it was personal debt, we would talk about side hustling and going out and finding ways to make money. And I kind of want to translate that to you. Like, what are ways that this church can bring in income? What are ways that you can fire people up to start giving more? I'm a very careful pastor about funds because I don't want to be

the money-grubbing guy. There's so many of those guys, and I don't want to be that guy. But let me tell you the other side of it, because I'm that way too. I grew up, my dad was a homicide detective, and he quit and became a minister, and i got to see what life was like behind the curtain i'm like you okay also there's people who would be deeply blessed and fortunate within your church if they were asked specifically for an opportunity to give yep and i i won't speak uh i want to keep it private but my pastor came recently and said hey here's a particular need that, and I said, as long as nobody ever knows, I'm in. And it was a great gift to me and my wife. And so what I would tell you is don't rob your church of the opportunity to step up and do things that they never thought possible, both collectively and individually. And it may be that this is the season you've got to get over that a little bit.

The other thing is, also the headlines are telling us aliens have landed. and individually. And it may be that this is the season you've got to get over that a little bit. The other thing is, also the headlines are telling us aliens have landed. They're telling us all kinds of stuff, man. There's a point when being over-informed

is unhealthy. I put the newspaper down and let's build a plan to pay this debt off in the next 24 months. Let's do it, man. Greater things are yet to come, Pastor.

We got you. Do your deaf-free scream on this stage. We'll be right back on The Ramsey Show. This is The Ramsey Show, 888-825-5225. All right, folks. A lot of you have questions about taxes. We get it.

Taxes are confusing. Heaven help us if we just made it simple. To help you get a better handle on them, let's unpack a question from one of our listeners. My husband passed away this year and literally everything is different for me now. Yeah. I've got his final tax return,

crazy income changes, and significant donations from establishing a scholarship in his name. I'm nervous about filing. First off, I'm heartbroken with you. It's hard. So sorry. We understand that things seem overwhelming right now. And when things feel overwhelming, it's important to realize that you're not alone. You're going to, the sun's going to come up on the other side of this thing,

especially if you've got people around you. When you go through a major life change, it's best to get a tax pro in your corner. I didn't have a similar situation. I didn't have a significant loss, but I had some significant changes in my life this year. So this year I reached out for a tax pro myself. Situation like this can mean a different filing status, tax bracket forms, calculations, you name it. An experienced pro will know how to handle the complexities of your situation so you have peace of mind knowing everything is taken care of. A Ramsey trusted tax pro like one of our endorsed local providers can answer your questions and help you get your taxes filed. Go to ramseysolutions.com slash tax pro to learn more. That's ramseysolutions.com slash tax pro. Let's go out to Debbie in the HBC, Huntington Beach.

What's up, Debbie? How we doing? Hi, I'm doing well. How are you doing? Great. What's happening? I'm hoping that I can get some advice from the two of you, if that's okay. We'll tell you what we think.

It may not be great, but we'll give it a shot. Speak for yourself, John. What's up? So my husband and I, we recently bought a condo a little over a year ago. Our mortgage right now is about $4,500 a month. Well, my husband recently got laid off from his position about a month ago now. So it's only my income that's coming in, which is around 5,000-ish a month, give or take. Yikes. We do have our three- to six-month emergency fund fully funded. We have no debt, but we do have a baby on the way.

Oh, because why not, right? Why not? Why not? And my husband has one year left in his master's program that he's currently in. What's he studying? And we're not taking out, he is going to get his MBA. So I'm really proud of him. He has one more year left and the goal was that we weren't going to take out any loans. So we've been paying for that ourselves. Okay.

Now, with all that being said, my parents do have a back house and they have offered for us to live there rent-free for about a year or two just to help us save. I talked about it with my husband and he's kind of against the idea. He thinks we might get penalized for capital gains tax in the future and that he's confident that he's going to be finding another position here soon. Me, on the other hand, I think maybe it might be a good idea and potential good opportunity since we're not currently emotionally attached to this current condo that we're living in anyway. It may provide us with a better safety net,

knowing that we don't have this mortgage hanging over our head and that we could save for possibly about a year or two to potentially put down a home that we really love. So just trying to get some advice here on what you all think. Go ahead. No, you go ahead. I was going to say, it sounds like you're scared. Yes.

Or scared may be not being the full truth. It sounds like you're terrified. I'm trying to put myself in your situation. You're working so hard. You may have even had secret quiet thoughts of staying at home when you have this baby. You're having a baby, and all of a sudden your husband gets laid off. And you'll have a really expensive condo. Welcome to Huntington Beach.

And so, man, suddenly an out of nowhere you have to go to the bathroom really bad and an exit ramp shows up on the highway and you're like let's take this one let's take this one and your husband's like how about we wait till there's a gas station with lights and so now y'all are in a disagreement what what kind of work does he do um he does uh technical program management okay um what are the chances he has a new job in the next 30 to 60 days i mean i know he's diligently applying to like multiple places per day so um has had a few interviews lined up nothing's um come to fully play out just as yet i mean it's been about a month so how much cash do you have?

Working. Right now we have about $40,000 in our savings. All right. And how much is it costing to cash flow this master's each month? Right now, because he did get a scholarship, it's about $7,000 to $8,000 per quarter. Now come June, the scholarship money is going away, so it'll be a full $12,000. That's why the... I'm sorry? Come June, you said? Come June. And was the plan to take that out of the $40,000 or it was just to come out of your incomes?

The plan was to come out of our incomes the plan was it for um to come out of our income if we needed to tap into the savings a little bit then we could but we always make sure we fund it back right away it may be a season and this happened often students didn't know this was happening but um i can tell you it happens across the board in program after program after program after program um from graduate schools to doctoral programs to law schools and everything in between um it may be that he needs to take a leave of absence for the summer because y'all you guys can't i i don't i don't feel comfortable with you sprinting off into the back house of your mom's house simply because that feels really short-sighted. That

feels like you're terrified and the thought of that feels warm like a blanket, but you're not addressing some of the underlying issues here. And I think if you hang on 60 days, it sounds like he's not a guy that's just sitting at home waiting for somebody to call. It sounds like he's out there hustling. And in this current economy, I think he's going to be able to find a job. But it may be that we need to push off school. We had all these dreams of graduating this semester. It's going to be another semester and that's fine.

But right now you can't pull 12 grand out of your savings account at this point. And how pregnant are you? I'm actually due in June as well. Yeah, I would definitely take a leave yep got to okay yeah and and in my mind if he's taking a leave you've got i mean you guys are up against it with you making 5 000 a month and you know you have a leave coming up here soon as well tell him to keep busting butt to find work but in the meantime

find anything that's right in the meantime whatever he needs to do to keep money coming in because i don't think you guys need to get out of this house i think it's just a matter of like like sewing it together for now like putting a patch on it for now and then it's gonna it's gonna work itself out if you get up on it like if you're three three months down the pipe and it's gonna work itself out. If you get up on it, like if you're three months down the pipe and it's like, all right, there's nothing, which I don't see any reason why there would be. Like, I feel like you guys can just bust it out of this. But there's a shelf life to this plan as well.

So if three months comes and for some reason, your guy's not finding any work, call us back because then it's time to find a new plan. But there's no reason why he shouldn't be up and working, doing something, bringing in enough income for you guys to work this out. And that sounds like the beauty to me, Jade, because

Debbie, if I'm not mistaken, is it your parents' house, right? So what's another two months? Test it out. Yeah, that is true. Like the house isn't going anywhere and they're not going anywhere. And so you can always do this June 1, right? You can always move in right before the baby's born and you can tell him, sorry, you waited too long to get a job.

So, and I'm super pregnant. So you got to move everything by yourself. Like y'all can still do that. June 1, I think both of you need to sit down and come up with, okay, here's plan for 30 days and 60 days. And at the end of 60 days, I'm going to start feeling less and less safe. And Debbie, I really, it's important now as you head into this, when you sit down and talk to him, the conversation is not about what he's not doing. The conversation is, I'm really, really scared. And I don't feel safe in this home with a $4,500 mortgage and I'm making 5,000 bucks and I'm exhausted. I'm about to take a leave. I'm really, really scared. And I don't feel safe in this home with a $4,500 mortgage and I'm making 5,000 bucks and I'm exhausted. I'm about to take a leave. I'm about to have a baby and all these

things. I'm scared. And we do have an out, but I want to plan a 30 day, 60 day plan that says, here's going to be the trigger when we say, okay, you didn't get a job in 60 days. You didn't get a job in 30 days. We're taking a leave. You didn't get a job in 60 days. We're going to call mom and dad and see if that's an out for us. But get that stuff on paper and that's going to help you feel a little bit less scared. Yep. A little bit less scared with a plan. Get that budget tightened right and find out exactly what he needs to be making to make this work. There you go. This is The Ramsey Show, 888-825-5225. All right, so Austin is producing the show.

James Child's out today. Austin, we got a clip that we haven't seen yet. And this is actor Jonathan Myers, right? Majors, Jonathan Majors. Jonathan Majors on Stephen Colbert's show, and he's got a unique take on the way he does life, and you wanted us to react to it. My mom's a pastor, and she was very clear about safety. She would say, no drinking, no drugs, no sex. Every time I left the house, no drinking, no drugs, no sex. To get on the plane

to go to college, I had to say, no drinking, no drugs, no sex. Every time I left the house, no drinking, no drugs, no sex. To get on the plane to go to college, I had to say no drinking, no drugs, no sex before I went through security. This has happened my entire life. But the drinking was a thing. And she always said, you know, baby, just make sure you know, you don't think about, watch your cup, watch your glass. And I kept that in mind and, you know, for safety,

but also, you know, what that meant, you know, and. What does that mean? Now it means, you know. Mind your cup. also, you know, what that meant, you know, and what is that? What does that now? It means, you know, your cup, mine, your cup. You're a vessel. Nobody can fill you up. Nobody can pour you out. You do that yourself. And so holding on to this is a reminder that, you know, even this craziness is happening.

You know, my self-esteem is my self-esteem. You know, nobody can make me. No one can big me up as it were or tear me down interesting what you got john come on john my first thought is one i love um whether you agree with the message or not i love intentional parents yeah who give their kids memorable things that get them through sticky moments in their life i love love that. Because when he said no drinking, no drugs, no sex, I was like, do we have the same mom? I feel like that's all I heard growing up. My gosh.

All I heard was my dad's. I'm just kidding. I was gonna say something awful. So I like that. The second thing I like is the sense of ownership over his body, the sense of ownership over his intentions that at the end of the day, he's going to take full responsibility and live an intentional life. If parents can communicate that responsibility to their kids, incredible. The only thing, if we were sitting down having

nachos and a drink, I would say, I think there's a moment in time when it's very important to invite in a select group of people that you do allow to pour into you, that you do allow to positively and I don't say negatively impact you, but hold you accountable. Yeah. And I think we have a culture that says you are all that you need. And I'll tell you behind closed doors, the psychiatrist and the psychologist and the researchers are starting to say the self can't hold. The self was not designed to hold up the universe and we thought self-actualization we thought if we could just get full ownership and it was just all you and it's all you ever need that we'd be okay what we're realizing is we can't do life by ourselves

and that's that's not me just doing instagram lines that is neuroscience right and so i do think it's important um i think i've got, maybe seven now people and they know who they are that I've said, you've got permission to call me out and I'm going to lean on you to help fill me up. I need to hold my arms up in the desert when I, when I got nothing left. Right. And I think it's important to have those people in your life. I think that's true. I do like the highlight on your choices are your choice, right? Like you said, in today's world where there's so much entitlement and this is the reason my life is bad. It's the government.

It's inflation. It's because I never went to college. It's because I did go to college. It's because my parents, like you can point the finger in so many directions. But at the end of the day, this is just me. I'm telling you all what I learned. Whatever it is I'm complaining about, whatever it is that I'm mad about, there is something that I can do to change it and to make it better.

I could say, well, my marriage would be better if my husband was more like this, or my job would be better if my boss was more like this, right? But there's always something that you can do just you not waiting on them air quotes around them there's always something you can do to make that better and i did take that away from that like bro me is always a problem i can solve if i'm unhappy i need to change something if i don't like my life i need to change something if i don't like my marriage my job whatever it is there is something that you can do and i bet you this this, because I've lived it. I bet you when you start moving, you're going to be surprised at the domino effect it has on other people. Right. Positively and negatively.

Positively and negatively. Some people like you stuck where you are. Sure. But it's going to have that effect that it's going to be like, oh, you're like that. Okay. I need to move you out. I need to move you out. And so I do, I do like that part of it, but I agree, John, the community thing is huge. Like when I got here, okay.. And so I do, I do like that part of it, but I agree, John, the community thing is huge. Like when I got here, okay. So we just moved from Florida to Tennessee. I immediately got with my counselor and I was like, how much time do I have to get a community around me before I start to crack? And she was like, yeah, she was like, you need to meet people. I was like, cause I, I came from such a strong group of folks that can speak into my life and they still can over the telephone

it's different it's different yeah it's different so i do think that you need that that piece of people going hey you're not like that like what are you doing right you know so i tell um privately i've told the story this first time i'm telling it publicly i think but um it was about a year into this job and i posted some somebody wrote something awful and i screenshot it and just had like an arrow and i commented back and um just really put him on blast and i'm not gonna lie it was real funny it was real funny and one of my closest friends called me and he he was laughing as i answered the phone and i was like what's up and he goes dude i just saw your post he's dying laughing i was like i was awesome and he goes take it down oh I said what do you mean

take it down it's hilarious and he goes oh it's super funny and then he said that's not you yeah and that's not how you want to represent yourself take it down and here's the deal I was mad and I trusted him and so I took it down not because I'm covering to the man it's because I'd given that man permission to speak into my life, and he saw a side of me that said, that's not the guy I know, and if you go down this road,

you're gonna end up way over here. I'm just gonna call you out now. What a gift. But that says a lot about you as a person, because in the world we are today, people get offended so easily. You do one thing, and somebody holds you accountable,

and suddenly it's like this whole thing of you're not letting me live in my truth and you're not letting me, you know, do this thing. And I'm like, if you're a person, if you become so high and mighty and I'm going to call it an ego because that's what it is, that no one can speak to you. No one can say, hey, and I don't mean just some dude off the streets. I'm talking about the people in your life can't come up to you and say, hey, you're wrong and you're not willing to enter into conflict with anyone and come out on the other side of it. That's a problem. You will crash. You will crash.

You'll crash. If you don't have those people. My buddy, Portia, she knows if I'm acting up, she's the one that needs to call me up and be like, no, no, you're, you're not being yourself right now. Like, that's not who you are. That's not the way you act. I can call her and tell her, Hey, you know, this dude is acting like this. And she'll be like, well, like you, you could have, here was your part in it. and that's the type of relationship we'd have and if you don't have that with people whether it be your spouse you know your homie whatever it is

dude you're setting yourself up to fail because you need that cup that you're looking at but you need to let somebody else look at the cup too that's right if you're holding your cup over here to the side like off in the corner where nobody else can see it good luck to you and if you're a mess like me you need several people looking at that cup. John, let me see your cup. Your head's screwed on straight, man. It's a dark, dark, sad cup. All right, let's run out to Zach and Tom's. Do we have time to take a call here?

Yeah, we got time. Let's go out to Zach and Tom's River. Zach, we're right up against the clock, so get right to your question, brother. Hi, thank you for taking my call. What's going on? Right up against the clock, so get right to the question. All right, so my wife and I are aggressively paying off student loan debt and car debt. We're paying off about $80,000 this year, and that's going to be the end of our debt.

Way to go, man. That's great. Thank you. We both agree our house is too small right now to continue growing our family, so we want to build a custom home on North Texas if you want to design it. Our house right now is too small for our 8-inch-and-1-mil daughter. There's just no yard, and we literally just run her up and down the hallway. We don't want to sell our house,

but my wife doesn't want to wait two years to save her down payment to build the house. She brought this idea of a home equity loan to get the down payment. No, no, no, no, no, no. The answer is no. You are right. Sorry, wifey. Wifey is wrong on this one. You're right. We are not going into home equity line of credit to do anything. I don't care if she wants to expand the house with the home equity line of credit. I don't care what she planned on doing with this home equity line of credit. The answer is going to be no. The best way to buy a home is to do it the right way, which is either to sell the house that you have after you've paid off the debt and take whatever equity you have and roll it into the next home where the payment is

no more than 25% of your income. And that is on a 15 year fixed conventional loan. That's the only way we're doing this thing. No HELOC. No. And listen, I promise you when your kid is five, they'd much rather a stress-free home with no debt than a strapped mom and dad in a postage stamp-sized yard. Okay, John.

Don't do it. Don't do it. This is The Ramsey Show. We'll be right back. Today's scripture of the day is Proverbs 12, 11. Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense. Jackie Robinson says, Life is not a spectator sport. If you're going to spend your whole life in the grandstand

just watching what goes on, in my opinion, you're wasting your life. Whoo, Jackie. Boom. Bringing it. All right, let's go out to Jordan in the NYC. What's up, Jordan? How you doing, John?

Good. Thanks for taking my call. You got it. What's up? So my wife, she started orientation for her new job. She's a nurse. So we needed somebody to watch our three-year-old while I work between hours. And we had our mother-in-law come by, and it's been about six weeks now.

She's finished her orientation, and my wife wants her to stay for a little bit longer. But in the last six to eight weeks, her bills have gone through the roof. Ooh, she gots to go. Dude, hey, Jordan, best of luck to you, my friend. So I'm at a crossroads here because, you know, now my wife is saying that her job wants her to work days for a few weeks to get adjusted to it. And, you know, she's off by 3 o'clock.

It doesn't take much time out of my day. I'm pretty much home three out of the four days out the week. I go to the office two days a week. And, you know, I don't know how to tell her, Hey, your mom has to go. Cause I was, you know, Jordan, what are these bills? Um, well, my electricity bill has gone from $300, which it averages to six, seven. Oh gosh. So she's cold. She's turning the heat up. She's home all day. Oh man. She's turning the heat up. She's home all day. She's there all day. Oh, man.

She's turning the heat up. She's eating all the lunch meat. What else? And the heating bill, too. So I have propane heat and electricity. Dude. Oh, man. Okay. Can we have real talk for one second?

Yes. All right. So there is a financial aspect to this. Okay, no question. We're trying to get out of debt. I know, I know, but hold up. When you were dating your wife and you fell head over Jordan heels for her,

money didn't matter. You figured it out. You had a test coming up in college. I don't care. I'm going to go see her. A show's coming to town. She don't want to go. I'm not going.

You figure it out. And now, you got mother-in-law there, staying with the family, and then these bills come in. Bills are real. That is hundreds of dollars that were not on the tab just a couple weeks ago, and here they are. That's real. And there's something underneath it that's

getting into you. What is it? Well, for her being here for six weeks, I don't think much has changed. You know, my wife has said, you know, we'll get to go out. We'll get to do things because there's somebody who watches the baby all the time. None of those things have happened. All right. Now we're getting to it. Do you and your mother-in-law get along?

If she's there, you know, there's no, you know, she gets in the way. Let's just put it like that. Hey, she's probably not listening

so you can tell us the truth. Does she get in the way like just because it's your house and you want to walk around in your underwear if you want to because it's my house

or does she get in the way like? No, she's just taking things upon herself. Like, you know, the UPS guy comes, I run a small business, we'll get mail

come and packages, and there's multiple packages that I can't find because she says she puts them somewhere and it's not there. And the other day, I found two of them outside in boxes by the recycle. Yikes. Okay. So, Jordan, here's where you got to go, okay?

I don't envy you because at the end of the day, you do have somebody that in their heart and mind came into hell, right? And your wife probably feels a sense of both duty to mom to give her a purpose and just a comforting sense that there's somebody else there watching the kid, all that stuff. I think if you haven't before, this is going to be the first time

you ever sat down and not use the word she and them and y'all but you sit down with your wife in a private conversation and say me i'm struggling i feel like i've lost my house the house that you and i share the you and i are building um our bills have doubled if if not more so. I got packages disappearing. I love and honor the fact that your mom packed up and came out here. And I really am, I'm feeling less and less safe in my own house. Not in a someone's going to get me kind of way, but like I'm losing my own home and I don't want to have another parent in this house. And so give your wife an opportunity to speak back because it may be an issue of boundaries. It may be an issue of, hey, if there's a package that comes to this house,

don't touch it. I'll pick it up. Or put it right here in this area or something like that. But can he also say, we agreed that this was going to be for six months? What did you say, six weeks or six months? Six weeks now. Okay, and now how long has it been? It's or six months? Six weeks now. And now how long has it been? It's been, we're eight weeks now.

Okay. So can he say, hey, we agreed this was going to be six weeks and I was really great with that agreement, but I don't, I don't know how, I don't feel good about eight weeks or longer. Yes. But here's my concern, Jordan, that you've got other issues going on in your marriage and I don't want it all coming out on mother-in-law. Or wife.

You seem like a straightforward kind of guy, like myself, and sometimes we can bust in the room and be like, you said that this was only going to be like this, and now look at this. What are you going to do? Look, Jordan, that's how we are. I'm going to just put myself in there. That's happened.

Don't do that. We got to hold back, Jordan. We got to find our inner John deloney speak to be heard not so you have not not just to have said something okay speak to be heard she sees she also sees that you know because she's made comments here and there like the things that she thought her mother would be doing to make our life easier isn't happening yeah and maybe you're maybe your wife desperately wants you to step up and be the bad guy here and tell your wife i'm happy to be the bad guy here i'm happy wait wait no i don't okay john we rarely disagree but i don't i don't agree well i'm saying this when i

say bad guy i i'm willing to say hey my my oh yeah you can't you can't tell the in-laws you're right you're right you can't come that's on me i'm wrong i'm wrong i don't know that you're wrong i'm just saying i wouldn't i wouldn't try it good call out yeah jordan y'all need to be united on it and at this point um your wife's gonna have to be a grown-up too and sit down and say hey here's in two weeks we need we're ready to transition and get our house back we're so grateful for you here's a really fancy dinner here's a night out on the town. Here, we're taking you to a Broadway play. Whatever we're going to do,

we're going to do something really nice, but it's time. Yeah. Is that going to go over well with your wife? Wrap it in a thank you. Yep. She usually, for the most part, she follows my lead,

but, you know, it's her mother, and she's the youngest of eight. Yep. Where does mom go after this? Back to Boston. She has a place or she's gone to another sibling? She has a place, but she's usually

she lives in Florida, but she spends most of her time with her kids in Boston. It's like her sister lives 10 minutes down the street. She doesn't want to go and see her sister. Well, that's a her issue, not you guys. I'd stay out of that stuff. But, hey, listen, if you and your wife had plans,

like, hey, when you get to this nursing job, we're going to be able to go out, we're going to have extra money, all that, and that's not happening, don't roll all that stress into this conversation. Because it can be real easy that all of a sudden this conversation turns into a, and you said this, and this never happens,

and now your mom's here, and now we're at war, and nobody's going to win. Let this be about, hey, we want to get our house back. We said six weeks. It's been eight weeks. Let's at 10 weeks, this is done. Let's sit down together and have this conversation. I was wrong. Jay was right. Don't divide it up. We're going to do this one together and then let's have a different conversation. Now that she's settling into her new job, now that you're settled in, now that you got your house back, what is it going to look like

to have a date night once a week? That's why we work so hard. I don't want to have a one night a month with you. I want one night a week with you. I want two nights a week with you. What is it going to look like to find childcare? What's it going to look like to do all these things to create a life that is worth living, man?

And so good for you, Jordan. Thanks for trusting us. You do have to create a life that is worth living man and so good for you jordan thanks for thanks for trusting us um you do have to have a hard conversation but again remember make the conversation especially initially about you what you're struggling with what you're upset with what's hurting you um not don't come in guns a-blazing because your wife's gonna have one option that's to defend herself and now you got world war three and there's no sense in that i don't envy him but i think if he wraps it up like you said wrap the mother-in-law up in a thank you thank you for all of this here's a meal we're so appreciative then you bring the wife over here and wrap that up in a nice date and it's like hey

i have missed you like anytime look if anytime your husband or spouse comes at you with the i miss you i want to be with you i don't get to spend enough time with you if you're not melting down i don't know what's happening to you i don't know what's happening go go melter like butter like a hot knife through butter man we have very different spouses all right this is the ramsey show thanks to the guys in the booth kelly was there and she took off as usual. Hey, thank you, America, for sticking with us. Thank you, Jade. And listen, pay off your debts.

Be kind to one another. We'll see you soon right here on The Ramsey Show. Hey, it's Dr. John Deloney. If you like what you heard in this episode and want to know more about getting started on the Ramsey Baby Steps, go to ramsaysolutions.com and click on the Get Started button. We'll help you figure out the best next step for you based on your specific situation. That's ramsaysolutions.com and click Get Started.