The Ramsey Show - App - Your Parents Don't Get a Vote in Your Housing Situation! (Hour 2)

Episode Date: August 11, 2020

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Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Dollar Car Rental Studios, it's the Dave Ramsey Show, where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice. I'm Dave Ramsey, your host. My co-host today here on the show, Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey personality. Open phones at 888-825-5225. That's 888-825-5225. Kevin in Los Angeles is going to start this hour off.

Hey, Kevin, how are you? Hey, Dave. Hey, John. How are you guys today? Great, man. How can we help? Yeah, so my question is, so my parents are trying to pressure my new fiance and I to purchase a house.

We just recently signed a two-year lease for an apartment here in Los Angeles. Collectively, we make about $160,000, no debt, and they're trying to pressure us to buy some sort of townhouse here in LA about $500,000 to $600,000 with HOAs about $400,000 a month and we're just baffled as how we're supposed to afford this and we're just kind of going back and forth on that. We'd like to run out our lease of two years and pile up some money and just look at that situation then okay so when are you getting married um ideally probably at the end of the year okay um so set a date and when you're married the two of you there's an old-fashioned biblical phrase okay that a, when she leaves her father's household,

a gentleman, when he leaves his mommy's household, is supposed to leave the household and cleave to their new spouse. Cleave, old English word, right? And you gather what that means, that the two of you now are a household when you're married right and then that means john that their parents yeah they your your parents don't get a vote man um it's like the lonings favorite line just it's it's it's it's incredible to me and i do it too on how many people we let speak in to our lives to give us insight and opinions on things that, man, just, they don't, it doesn't matter to them. I missed the part where I was taking a poll.

That's right. So, yeah, they don't get a vote, man. They don't get a vote. If you're making $160,000, how old are you? I am 29, and she is 26. So you're like grown people. Y'all are killing it. Yeah, go get married this weekend, man.

Y'all are killing it. And you're playing house. Just go get married. You're already there. Y'all signed a two-year lease. You're committed to this deal. Have a good corona wedding. That'll save you guys about $50,000. And you can blame it on the on the pandemic blame it on john deloney blame it

on some hack on the radio d-e-l that's right o-n-y um clearly you guys are good y'all know what you're doing you make great money you're you're good employees and so and then it just says mom and dad thanks for your input we love you we appreciate that you love us and i know you mean well but that's not our plan right now our plan is we're going to rent for a little while and pile up some cash and that's what we want to do and you know you're welcome to come over for dinner though that's right 500 grand for a 600 grand for a townhome so and my texas real estate head that's about 500 acres i mean there's listen you said three times pressure us you said three times pressure us and so just be released from the pressure they don't

get a vote i mean any more than you're walking down the street and a stranger walks up and goes hey buy a townhouse you know it's like right you know you just don't you know you don't get a vote you know what if i told you about i don't get a vote i get to give input because you asked but i mean i mean what if you just picked up the phone and there was a guy on the other end said buy a townhouse you know no i'm not doing that you know so mom and dad love you and they mean well. And that's where that's how they get a footing to place pressure. But they are getting ready to learn a new skill. And it's called being parents to adults. And it is a very difficult skill to learn.

Believe me, I know. I have three wonderfully functional adult kids with wonderfully functional households and spouses and I spend an amazing amount of my personal emotional energy not interfering in their lives and I know that they probably spend a lot of emotional energy trying to appreciate that trying to navigate that so Kevin you're you're going to be married soon If you and your new wife can come up with ways to honor your mom, honor your dad, honor your wife's parents, and at the same time establish those boundaries moving forward, this is going to show up at Thanksgiving. This kind of stuff is, well, of course you're all going to be here for Christmas, right? And maybe you all aren't.

Maybe you're all going on a trip somewhere. This will play out for the rest of your relationship. So start now. Honoring the people, putting input into your life that you don't really want or ask for or don't think is wise. Love them because they're trying to love you. And then get together with your soon-to-be new wife, and y'all make decisions on your own and move forward. Yeah, you take a deep breath. You smile, and you say, I love you. Thank you for caring about me i appreciate your input but we're gonna do this because this is what we've already decided that's right

and um thank you though we're gonna sit put for a couple years and you know you just you don't have to be mean about it you don't have to cause a fight you don't have to go you don't have any right to speak into my life you don't have to do that all you gotta just say no we're good thanks i'm removing the voting booth that's right and maybe say i'm gonna pile up cash and so in two years i'm gonna have a couple hundred grand to put down on something cooler than a town right they don't get to tell you who to vote for president either they don't parents like to pitch in on that one man they don't get to tell you how to cook his favorite recipe they don't they don't that one's dangerous that one's real dangerous when he was a little boy he liked it made this way my parents yeah my parents tell a great story about mom really tried to learn the special dish oh really

for my old man that happens in every household. You know that, right? Oh, man. And after the first time they got married, he was like, oh, God, what are you doing? Because he went from his mom's house to my mom's house. And, man, it was a good conversation they had. Yeah. Let's talk about meals together. It's, yeah. So just, these are called boundaries.

If you really struggle with it, pick up Dr. Henry Cloud's book, Boundaries. It is the quintessential book on the subject, and you will read it and smile while you're reading it. You go, oh, I know these people. They're everyone. Some of them are toxic. Most of them mean well, though. Most of them mean well. Yeah, and it's just learning to say, you know, we're not going to be able to do that this time at Thanksgiving.

And, you know, I invite my sons-in-law to do stuff with me from time to time. Sometimes they do it. Sometimes they don't. Right. And, you know, they just get to decide. It's just instead of me telling them what to do, you know. And moms and dads out there. We're used to telling them what to do.

That's right. And it was easier when we just told them what to do. When I was physically bigger than them, right? And they had to do what I do. That's right. It was easier when we just told them what to do. When I was physically bigger than them, right? And they had to do what I said they'd do. That's right. I want to impress on moms and dads out there. Ask permission. Can I toss you a recommendation about real estate?

Invite yourself into the conversation. It will make boundary development for your kids as they're entering into their new adulthood. You know what? I did that. I didn't even realize I did it. The kids are building a house. That's a gift. And I just said, you know, I got an idea. You know what? I did that. I didn't even realize I did it. Like, the kids are building a house. That's a gift. And I just said, you know, I got an idea.

Do you mind if I tell you? Instead of just going, you need to put that over there. That is such a gift, Dave. What a gift. I didn't even mean to. I'm proud of myself. Hey, if you keep working on it, Dave, you're going to get there. Eventually.

Eventually, I'll get there. Ask the kids. They'll tell you the truth. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. Folks, I love telling you about well-made, well-thought-out products. Today, I'm talking about Grip6 belts. I don't know about you, but I'm not a fan of traditional belts. They never fit right, and they're uncomfortable.

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manufacturing to learn more and get this month's dave ramsey show open phones at 888-825-5225 where we're dealing with the suckiest year in my lifetime 2020 where the year where you learned that maybe you weren't essential that's that's can you imagine how damaging is that micro was talking about that when he was here yeah you know i there's just this occasional line somebody drops and it just it just wormholes in my brain and when micro was here a few weeks ago and he mentioned that we just hold 300 million people in the united states you know what y'all just stay home you're not essential i just the the the mental health person and me just that it was a neon sign it was a big bell that i couldn't unhear which we don't

need you we don't need you have no don't need you. You have no value. Just stay home. You're not essential. We'll call you. Man, we are made to work, but more importantly, we are purpose-driven beings. That's just what we do. And when somebody just looks you in the eye, when your government looks you in the eye. Let me just tell you.

Says you're not important. Ramsey Solutions thinks you're essential. That's why we're still here doing this show. That's exactly right. We think your marriage and your wealth building and your kiddos and your career and your mental health is essential. And that's why we're here. Because we think you're amazing. We love people.

We even love those of you who look crazy. And some of you are a little crazy, I'll just tell you. I get some emails. Some of y'all are awesome. Some of them you a little crazy. And some of you are a little crazy, I'll just tell you. I get some emails. Some of y'all are awesome. Some of them are beat little crazy all the way up to big crazy. But most people are just good old folk, man. Everybody's got dignity and worth. You're essential.

Yes. Yes. You're essential. You're essential. So I did figure out, though, as an employer and our people working from home or our people sheltering at home or our people whatever in talking to some of our government officials they um they said well we thought you guys were essential and i after talking around a little bit i kind of figured out what the essential

industries were it's it's a fairly easy idea what is that you just decide you are because nobody had a real definition that come but that works in our individual lives right with when it comes to dignity essential screw it i am worth being respected in this relationship i am worth dignity at my job no i mean honestly they don't have a definition wow they. They didn't have one. Huh. I mean, so, you know, what is essential? I decided I am. So everyone, it's you.

You're all essential, right? You just decide you are. Decide you're essential. Or decide you're not and stay home if you want, but that's okay. There's always a place for people who want to wear their bathing suits and eat Cheetos and just call and cash it in, man. You know what I mean? Have more dignity than that. You're worth something.

You're worth something. That's it. I could rent on that all day. Our question of the day comes from Blinds.com. Find out for yourself why Blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window coverings. You get free samples, free shipping. With the new promos that run every month, you'll save even more. Use the promo code RAMSY and you'll get the best deal.

It's like a magic word. A question, John? Yeah, here we go. So today's question comes from Jamie in Pennsylvania. She visits DaveRamsay.com to ask, My boyfriend and I are looking into getting married in the next year or so. He has two children, ages 4 and seven, from a previous marriage and split custody with no child support or alimony. We both have debt and healthy savings.

What are the benefits of getting married? Would you suggest a prenup so that I protect myself prior to getting married? We would like to have a child of our own, God willing. I love his children but feel that I should not be financially responsible for them whoo jamie there's a lot here um this a lot of this might be better in a in a more long form call i'd love to ask some follow-up questions here dave what do you think oh hi this is your this your i'll jump in believe me i have an opinion but you go ahead i do too i i don't think y'all are ready to get married. I think you're having this idea that I love his children, but I'm not going to be financially responsible for them. When you join somebody in marriage and they already have kids, you are joining a family.

You are joining those kids. And I know that those two kids have a mom, but they are also getting you, right? So you're going to be a step-parent. You're going to be involved in the raising of these young kids. You're going to be involved in the paying for them to get clothes and food. That's what marriage is, is a joining of incomes, a joining of homes, a joining of values, a joining of home raising. So I might suggest that he get a prenup to protect his kids,

but again, that takes deeper questions about finances and money and where people are at. But the benefits of getting married is you get to do life with a partner. You get to do life anchored in. I know that come what may, they're going to be there. And so there's just some red flags in this question that make me think you're not there yet. The old book of common prayer says, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, unto thee all my worldly goods I pledge. Unless you have extreme wealth and you don't, no prenup. If you love your little life and your little money and your little independence

more than you love him, don't get married. If you're not willing to take his kids on as if they're yours, don't get married. You're not ready for marriage. You're not ready because you still value your stuff more than the relationship. And until you're ready to put the relationship with him, the kids, his mother, his father, his crazy uncle, and his broke down car all on your shoulders and carry them, then you're not ready for marriage. Right.

And especially if you feel like you're going to come into this house and the kids aren't going to have access to your money, just that language in and of itself, you're not to get married yeah exactly you got to be all in all in all in and by the way it's not test driving the car to shack up because you're not all in and it's not going to fix these exact issues and so you date and you maintain a separate household and you have quality relationships and you grow in the relationship to the point that being with him and being married is more important than any other single goal you have and they all become subordinate to that man or woman you if you do not make your other goals subordinate to meaning that we're going to agree on doing these things together and the only possible way that the man you love more than

life itself is going to have a good life as his kids do and so you you're you're taking them on i i think this is worth pointing out i i love where you're headed with this his responsibility will be to those two kids. And for somebody to try to wedge their way between somebody. You come alongside and help them. That's exactly right. Not become an additional problem. Right.

Or an additional burden or an additional responsibility. Because these kids are already going through enough. They are already going to go through guilt. They're going to go through loyalty issues. They're going to go through what did I do to make mom and dad split up this vacuum of joy and attention in that house. They're going to take that on. That's what four and seven year olds do. And for somebody else to show up and say, Hey, I love you guys. This is not so much, not so much. Come on, man. I love you, but not so much. You're not there yet. You're not there yet. You can be.

You can be, but you need a heart change. I make $46,000 a year and I need a prenup. No, you don't. No, you don't. You don't have anything to prenup. When do you recommend a prenup, Dave? Where there's extreme wealth on one side and not on the other. Okay.

So let's say that you're marrying someone that has $10 million and you have 40 000 okay i would put a prenup in place because not necessarily because of the couple i do i do really in-depth detailed pre-marriage counseling because you're going to face some unusual challenges give me some different tensions in that exactly number one but the reason for the prenup is it's not the couple that i've run into as a financial coach that's been the problem. It's the extended family. Right. And I like them only for wealth and kids, right, to protect children. The extended family is, no, I mean, it's like his mother is a nutcase.

And you cannot keep her out of the discussion unless there's a prenup. Right. And so what it does, it just backs everybody off. And your crazy cousin thinks you just got rich because you married the guy with $10 million. That's right. And that kind of stuff. So crazy Eddie shows up with his dadgum RV out front. You know, cousin Eddie, right?

Cousin Eddie, that's right. And that's, you know, hey, you married $10 million, I'm here. I'm getting my part, you know? That's right. And so, you know, that's the stuff that happens. But when you've got a prenup, you go, I don't know. It just backs off the crazy. And it, you know, that's the stuff that happens. But when you've got a prenup, you go, I don't know. It backs off the crazy. And it's really helpful with that.

And it's very, very important that you take the time. But we're just folks have fairly even, typical finances. You don't need a prenup. This is The Dave Ramsey Show. Thank you. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey Personality, my co-host today here on the air. Matt and Samantha are with us in Albuquerque, New Mexico, for a debt-free scream. What's up, guys? Hey, Dave. Good to be here. How are you? How much you paid off?

We're great. So we paid off about $100,000 in 14 months, making between $70,000 and $165,000. Love it. What do you guys do for a living? I'm an engineer. I'm an attorney. So who got the job because you went from $70,000 went from 70 to 165. One of you was unemployed. So, yeah, it started, we kind of started right when Sam graduated from law school. And so she wasn't working at the time. And then she got a job shortly after she graduated.

So a lawyer and a what? What did you say you did? I'm an engineer. Oh, my gosh. Two professional studs. Way to go, you guys. So a hundred grand, I'm guessing there might be a little bit of student loan debt in that. It was all of my debts. I dragged us down. And now you're lifting us out. Now you're lifting us out, lawyer.

Well done. Yeah, we actually started our journey right around the time Sam graduated. And I don't know if you could see the picture of her on graduation day. I graduated from graduate school. So she was seven months pregnant in that picture. And then two months later, about the time when she was due, she had to take her bar exam. And so she actually gave birth to our first child the exact same week as her two-day, you know, her biggest exam of her life basically no way no no pressure sam wow so you're you're you pass the bar and then you have a baby the next week yeah no no no i gave birth and then i went and passed the bar oh my gosh yeah that's worse what a stud.

Wow. Amazing. Which law school did you go to? The University of New Mexico. There you go. Good for you. Look at that little baby. How cute.

So a little boy or a little girl? Both girls. Well, our first star was a girl, and then we had a second daughter along the way as well. Okay. Beautiful. Oh, there they are. Another picture. I'm looking at the pictures on YouTube. They're popping up.

Beautiful. Great. Wow. Yeah, she's cute as a baby. Well done, Matt. You, there they are, another picture. I'm looking at the pictures on YouTube. They're popping up. Beautiful. Great. Wow. Yeah, she's cute as a bug. Well done, Matt. You did all right for yourself. I sure did. I lucked out. So how long have you guys been married? So we've been married about three years, and we got married in school with basically just internships.

And, you know, kind of just trusted God and went from there, and, you know, things started just trusted God and went from there, and, you know, things started to work out once we really committed to the process and the right plan that we know that you've been teaching. So, yeah, thank you for all your help along the way. Yeah, well, very cool. We're honored to be part of a power couple like you two, man. You're incredible. Way to go, hero.

So 14 months ago was when Sam, is that when you passed the bar and had the baby? So I've been practicing for a year and a half. I had an interruption because I actually was in a car accident, a pretty major car accident, that left me out of work with a brain injury. Oh, my gosh. And we actually didn't think that I'd ever be able to work again. Like, we were still in debt. We still had a mountain of

debt and it looked like we were just going to be paying it off for nothing. And fortunately, I was able to find the right doctor to treat me. And I was able to finally, after several months of being unemployed, find another job. And then from there, we were able to get back into the plan. But what's even more crazy about this story is that like the same week that I got into the car accident was a couple of days before we paid off the $37,000 of debt that we had. We had money saved and we just decided to finally commit to your plan and just do it full force. So we paid $37,000 off. And then a couple of days later, car accident.

And we only had a thousand dollars in our emergency file. Oh, wow. Man. And you pull that around and we still pulled it off. It was amazing. It was a huge leap of faith, but it was a really good exercise in trusting in God.

Amen. Amen. Well, yeah, because it doesn't matter whether you have 10,000 or a thousand, uh, at the end of the day he has more exactly well to any law firm in the 505 who needs somebody that can study

for the bar and grow a human and then then uh give birth to the human and pass the bar have a tbi and then shake it off and go back anyone who wants a rock star lawyer i know somebody you can give us a call we'll put you in connection you're a litigator i don't think they want to take you on in court yeah you are never going to see the inside of a courtroom samantha they're going to settle every time wow your reputation yeah so what's the key to getting out of debt in 14 months what do you tell people when they hear this story and hear you guys did this? I would say that pretty much the biggest thing is you really have to have a mindset shift about how you think about money and how you think about your career and life.

You know, when I think, you know, early on we had this idea that money is a tool to be used for good, and it's not just something that, oh that we buy what we want with it. It's really something that is important and it's worth focusing on and it's worth setting goals with so you can live and give generously and really make an impact on the world around you. Throughout our 14-month journey, we never stopped giving either, and I think that was one of the things that kept us going is we felt like, you know, the more money we make, the more money we can give to causes that we really care about.

And so that was, you know, really fulfilling along the way. And now that we're out of debt, we know that we can do that even more so and have an even greater impact. Amen. Yeah, you're in a position for outrageous generosity now. Very well done. So how did you guys get connected to us? I found you on YouTube, actually. And then I kind of thought you were some, you know, unheard of kind of radio show.

And then I told my dad about you guys. And he was like, oh, yeah, I've got a bunch of his books, and here's the CD. And so then we just started going full force into it. You thought you discovered us. Yeah. It was crazy because the whole time that we were doing this, we were watching these YouTube videos and watching other people do their debt-free screams, and that kept us so motivated because we were like, one day we will be them, and here we are.

And now you are. Yeah, I'm so proud of you guys. Very, very well done. You are so positioned to be world changers, not only for those two little girls, but for everybody around you. You have lived like no one else, and now you can live and give like no one else. Very proud of you guys. Well done, heroes. Thank you.

Got a copy of Chris Hogan's book for you, Everyday Millionaires. Without a doubt, that is your destiny, and you'll be in a position to manage that for the good of the kingdom, brother. Well done. Very well done. All right, Matt and Samantha, Albuquerque, New Mexico, $100,000 paid off. Quite a journey. They did it in 14 months, making $70,000 up to $165,000.

Count it down. Let's hear a debt-free scream. Okay, ready? Three, two, one. We're debt-free! Yeah! scream. Okay, ready? Three, two, one. Wake up, three! Yeah! And that is how it's done, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

How can you possibly have an excuse after listening to a story like that? If you are sitting in your car, or you're mowing your lawn, and you have your headphones in, and you've been thinking about this for a minute, but I don't't know i don't have my stuff together or she's never going to get on board yeah they grew a child had a traumatic brain injury passed the bar and never gave up they never gave up so you threw those initials out like it's a thing, like TBI is a thing? A traumatic brain injury.

That's what you call it. That's right. Okay. Sorry about that. No, it's okay. You just survived the TBI, and I went, what? A traumatic brain injury. Is that like a DUI?

I didn't know what it was. Yeah, so it's a – Yeah, I get it. I mean, I get what it means. I just didn't – I didn't know it was like a set initial that you'd know to go with that. Okay, so now I'll just learn something. I just – I hope that those type of messages resonate through people's hearts and minds and souls when they're just wondering, could we do this?

The answer is yes. I don't care what your situation is. You're going to have hiccups. You're going to have speed bumps. You're going to have barriers as you go through your debt-free journey, as you go through your wealth-building journey, as you go through your life. You're going to have them as you go through your debt-free journey, as you go through your wealth-building journey, as you go through your life. You're going to have them. So don't be shocked.

Don't be shocked. Don't pretend they're not going to happen. They're 100% chance they are. And don't go, oh, well, that means I'm not on track. No, that means you are on track. That's exactly right. You just got to climb over the fence. You got to go past the speed bump.

You got to bust through the barrier. It may be big. It may be little. But they're going to be there. And that's what your community's for. Don't be shocked. Don't be shocked. You're got to bust through the barrier. It may be big. It may be little. But they're going to be there. And that's what your community is for. Don't be shocked. Don't be shocked. They're going to be there. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. Thank you. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey Personality, my co-host today. 888-825-5225 is the number.

If you ever get to the end of the month and you have no idea where your money went, it's because you're not living with a plan. What you pay attention to, you win at. You're not going to win at something you don't pay attention to, you don't focus on. Money's the same thing. The way you pay attention to money is called a budget. And you have to tell your money what to do. Or it will leave and go to someone else.

And then you'll go, oh, those people are winning. They're winning because they told their money what to do. You give every dollar a job. Every dollar a name on a budget every single month. The best way to do this is our new Ramsey Plus membership. It gives you all of our best money products, including the premium version of the budgeting app, EveryDollar. That's where you make your budget, track your spending,

and clearly see where all your money is going. It connects to your bank. Your spouse can connect. Everybody's on the same page. We're working what's known as a plan, and no one plans to fail. Lots of people fail to plan. You can get a free trial of Ramsey Plus today. Never again wonder where your money's going. Never again. You work too hard for it. Start your free trial. Text the word BEGIN to 33789. Text BEGIN to 33789. This is the Dave Ramsey Show.

Jason is with us. Jason's in Fort Worth. Welcome to the show, Jason. Hey, how you doing, Mr. Ramsey and Dr. Deloney? Better than we deserve, sir. How can we help? Man, it's awesome talking to you guys. Okay, so My dilemma here is

I found you at the beginning of the year. Last year, me and my wife purchased our first home. We did it the wrong way, all the wrong ways after discovering you. I discovered that. I'm looking for what Dave do. We bought the house, you would say on the wrong side of the tracks.

My wife wants to get out. I'm with her, but we're just trying to figure out the plan and how to go about it. Do we sell ASAP? Or our written plan so far is she's going to finish nursing school, and I'd say in about four years she'll be stable in a job. We plan to have a good amount of money saved up to put down for a house the correct way. So I'm just trying to see what would you do in the situation.

I hear some panic, almost urgency in your voice. What's that from? I'm nervous as heck. Okay, all right. I'm on the radio. I'm sweating hands. I thought somebody on the wrong side of that track has a a hatchet to your head or something okay so the first thing is are you safe is your wife safe

there yeah we haven't had no issues okay then the second thing is the second thing is is the neighborhood going down fast enough that if you stay there a couple years, you're going to have trouble getting out. So far, where we're at, it's actually booming. Like, these houses are selling for more than what I would ever pay for them. Great. Well, sit tight. Sit tight? Yeah, work your plan.

And when you hit some of your other goals and you want to move up and out, then do it. And I have a question. I didn't mention this, but can I ask Dr. Don Loney a quick question? Sure. Mr. Loney, man, you've helped me out so much since you've joined this team. I listen to you all every day pretty much. Thanks, man.

My question is, how do you deal with – so I come from an addiction household. So I'm trying to figure out – I went through a lot of things as a kid. I have kids now myself. And a situation happened where I don't let, I've separated my family from my mom because she is still in the addiction process and I don't ever see it changing. It just kind of, it hurt in an emotional way because growing up without grandparents,

I kind of see my own kid going through it. And so I'm like, a part of me wants to be like, hey, you can come see him, you know, supervised. But then a part of me is like, man, you're going to break his heart because, you know, my heart's been broken before by her. So I'm just trying to see, I mean, is it good just to be firm and strong and, you know, kind of take that pain on? I mean, you're wrestling with the fantasy of the Thanksgiving dinner with grandma and granddad and the kids running around and the fireplace going.

And that's not in the cards for you. Or it's not in the cards for you unless your mom decides to make some pretty radical life changes, which have happened. They're hard. Addiction is tough, especially when you're older. But the reality is you got one job and that's to protect your kids. That's to protect your kids in lieu of the fantasy that you hold on to. And, dude, I hold on to fantasies like that all the time. I wish, you know, my house would look like this and my cars look like that. We all have fantasies that we walk around with.

Your number one job is to protect your kids. And so your instincts are right. Your gut is right. And, man, I just want to applaud you for making a hard right turn after the childhood you endured and saying no more, no more, no more, and not for me and my house. And so, man, i can't even tell you how proud of you i am jason you're you're a saint and a blessing and you're going to raise different kids man you're a good man good for you changing you are changing your family true yeah um i am i am because you guys so here's the thing um it takes a lot of strength to be gentle and um that includes even to your mom

and um so but being gentle does not mean that she has enough access to them to bring damage in any way uh i don't know if you have to cut off 100 access or not that's something you might talk through with your pastor or with your coach or counselor something like that depending on how extreme and what she's dealing with and so forth. We certainly cannot have the children harmed in any way emotionally, certainly not physically. But 100% cutoff may or may not be necessary. That's up to you guys. But you're definitely going to have to limit it, which you've already done.

And the thing is that this is not the way it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be the other way with the Thanksgiving dinner and the fireplace. And so there's not ever going to be a moment in your life where you don't wish that it wasn't the way it's supposed to be it's just not right it's supposed to be the other way and if it doesn't ever make you cry if it doesn't ever make you feel bad at times then you're probably in trouble because it should it hurts and it's just because it's not supposed to be this way moms aren't supposed to be that way dads aren't supposed to be that way and um nobody wants to be addicted right nobody wants to be over their head for years and years and there's no telling what his mom's story is growing up and what she endured and And so I often will point people in the direction that addiction is usually, it's a great way

to compress and keep stuff out that I don't want to deal with. I don't have the tools to deal with. And so I don't want to be in the business about beating people up who have addiction challenges. I do want to always encourage folks to go get the help they need. Right. Yeah. And your kids and your grandkids, they need you in their lineage.

Absolutely. They need you in their lineage. Absolutely. They need you in their life. It could be and you don't want to manipulate or something, but it could be that just that this conversation gives her the impotence to start working. Right. And that would be a really good that'd be a wonderful outcome. But it may never turn out that way. Right. And, you know, having a baby doesn't mean you're a parent. It just means you had sex. Right.

That's all it means. I mean, there's a line in the old movie with Steve Martin, Parenthood, I think it was called. The teenage kid is getting ready to have a baby, and they're standing in the thing talking. And he goes, you know, you have to go take a test to get a driver's license to drive a car. You don't have to do that to have a baby. No. And you would think that, you know, I mean, driving a car versus having a baby, one is more important than the other, you know?

Right. You don't have to pass a test. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite. Right. You might have failed a test. Or two or three, right? That's right. You flunked on impulse or something.

Right. But, you know, but it's just what you're going through, sir, is just heartbreaking because it's not the way it's supposed to be. And so your spirit is designed for the way it's supposed to be. And when your spirit doesn't get that, it hurts. And so you just know that. If you're listening to this and you're struggling with addiction, you want to go see your grandkids, you want to spend more time, take the first step. Go get some help. Make a phone call.

Go get some help. Yeah. Go get some help. There is healing on the other side of addiction, too. Do the hard work. It's hard. Hard, hard. But it's worth it.

Oh, it's worth it. It's worth it. Your lineage is counting on you. That puts us out of the Dave Ramsey Show in the books. Hey, it's Kelly, associate producer and phone screener for the Dave Ramsey Show. If you would like to do your debt-free scream live on the show, make sure you visit DaveRamsey.com slash show and register. We would love for you to come to Nashville and tell Dave your story.