Live Like a Girl with Dr. Mindy Pelz - Connecting Meditation, Love, Poetry & Personal Transformation with Yung Pueblo

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

From meditation to meaningful connections. Diego Perez, also known as Yung Pueblo, is a well-known poet and author who shares with us how poetry, meditation, and self-awareness can help you grow as a person and in your relationships. He and Dr. Mindy dig into personal stories about how these practices have made their lives and relationships better. They talk about things like fasting, making meditation a part of your everyday life, and accepting your flaws. They also touch on topics like social issues, identity, and the importance of self-care. Diego's new book, which combines his meditation journey and relationship insights, is a big part of the conversation, and it gives listeners practical advice on how to nurture love and understanding in all human connections. To view full show notes, more information on our guests, resources mentioned in the episode, discount codes, transcripts, and more, visit https://drmindypelz.com/ep277 Diego Perez is a poet, meditator, and #1 New York Times bestselling author who is widely known by his pen name, Yung Pueblo. He has sold over 1.5 million books worldwide that have been translated into over 25 languages. Online he has an audience of over 4 million people and over 1 billion views per year. His writing focuses on the power of self-healing, creating healthy relationships, and the wisdom that comes when we truly work on knowing ourselves. Diego's new book, How to Love Better, is available for preorder and will be released on March 11th, 2025. Check out our fasting membership at resetacademy.drmindypelz.com. Please note our medical disclaimer.

On this episode of The Resetter podcast, I bring you Diego Perez. Now, some of you might know Diego as young Pueblo. He is a poet. He has really been powerfully bringing forward the benefits of meditation to the world. And he has a beautiful new book called How to Love Better. And a funny little story about Diego is that a good friend of mine actually turned me on to his Instagram. years ago. And I just found his short phrases that he put out every single day when they came through my Instagram feed. They just sort of made me stop and think about life differently. And we sort of,

I sort of fell in love with his words. And then I quickly learned when Fast Like a Girl came out into the world that he and his wife were both fasting fans. And so Diego and I started commenting on each other's Instagrams. We formed a connection through our DMs. and this is the first time we've actually spoken face to face. So as you're going to hear in this conversation, we're huge fans of each other's work. And this book is really special. And I want to talk about the lens in which I read the book and the lens in which I interviewed Diego. What I found so interesting about Diego is that he brings a new perspective to relationships.

He is not here to tell us that we need to perform a certain way in our relationships, that we need to double down on giving to our partners, that we need more date nights or anything of those kind of traditional helpful tools. He is actually more focused on each person in the relationship becoming their best self. And each person in the relationship, understanding that when they go within, when they create their own set of tools, they can bring that forward to the relationship, which I think is such a beautiful message that needs to be brought to light more in a world where we glom on to people or we get mad because we want

people. And this isn't just romantic relationships. We want people in our life to behave a certain way. Diego flips that and says, what can you do to work on yourself? And this isn't like work on yourself in therapy. This is more like what can you do to be more compassionate of others? What can you do to be less reactive to others? And he gives some real action-oriented steps in this interview. So I think you're going to find a lot of peace in what he brings forward. If you're a meditator, you're going to love this. And I think he's offering the world a new way to grow apart together in a relationship and how to find your individual footing so that the relationship, whether it's a romantic one or a friend one or a co-worker, that the relationship can benefit from the growth of the individual.

It's really beautiful conversation. I really enjoyed it. And I hope you find as much peace and calm in this conversation as I did. So Diego Perez, his book, How to Love Better, and I hope it hits you right where you need it and sending you so much love. Welcome to The Resetter podcast. This podcast is all about empowering you to believe in yourself again. If you have a passion for learning, if you're looking to be in control of your health and take your power, back. This is the podcast for you. Well, first, Diego, I have to just say it's a real honor for me to have this conversation with you because I have been inspired by your poems for years. I have shared them. I have pinned them. I have used them on my dark days. And I just want to, you know,

it's exciting to have this conversation. But I first have to start off by thanking you. Thank you so much. Should I call you Dr. Minne? In my house, you're Dr. Mindy. So, but. You can call me, yes. Of course, you can call me anything you want. I love that we have this mutual, you know, appreciation because, like, you've really changed a lot in my household between my wife and I.

You helped me understand her better with understanding her cycle. And we're, like, noticing these patterns in our lives. And we're like, huh, there's something here. And then, like, I've been always, like, so, like, gravitated towards fasting. And fasting has helped me tremendously. tremendously just and overall just not just feel more optimal and stronger my body but you know keep like 20 30 pounds off and it's just been you know like now I know how to take care of myself when I'm traveling and doing all this work and I always have fasting to just like bring me back

re-energize me and it's it's just been a massive gift so really grateful for that and like I said someday we have to figure out how to meld meditation and fasting because they're you know they go hand in hand. Like the, you know, I do, when I go into these longer fast, like I just came out of a three day one, I do a lot of meditation because it's easier. The mind slows down. You get so much calmer. I mean, I felt the same thing too. Like, you know, when I do longer fast, if I'm doing like 72 hours or something, I just get so settled, so grounded. And it's interesting because there's a balance too because depending on what style of meditation you do, you know, food is also very grounding. And you know, you can have styles of meditation where they're so purifying.

They make the emotions that are deeply bound up inside of you for so many years. And as they're coming up, you know, making sure you have some food in your belly can actually help stabilize you as the emotions are burning away. So it's an interesting process where too much food, you know, makes it hard for you to concentrate. A little bit of food helps your mind be nice and calm. Oh, my God. Amazing. Well, I want to tell you, that I devoured your book yesterday. It is my, for my brain, it was like, I just kept going, yes, yes. This is, this is the, here's how I felt. This, this is the right conversation to have around relationships. Because you do a beautiful job of like opening it up in, in being authentic

about the relationship of you and your wife, which, you know, I think you and I align here. like my number one rule when I started doing social media is like you're just going to get authentic Mindy. Like I can't, I can't, it's going to be exhausting to give you anything else. But what we don't hear enough are the challenges in relationships, especially like when they're starting because aren't they supposed to be a beautiful and amazing and when they first start? Yeah. I mean, I think that's what a lot of people hope for. I mean, in some ways, you know, the storytelling of media just normally shows people getting together, maybe there's one big challenge, they overcome that challenge, and then they're happily ever after. And it's just never like that. It's just, it's honestly

relationships are, are a pretty consistent stream of challenges. Relationships are constant, constant ups and downs. And it's, you know, when my wife and I first got together, like, there was just no emotional maturity between the two of us, no self-awareness, really. And we felt that sort of intuitive pull, and we love each other, but we didn't know how to care for each other, if that makes sense. And that's a long time to learn. Yeah. What I love early on in the book is that you, and I actually want to think about this in all my relationships is this understanding that when you enter into a relationship with another human, whether it's romantic or friendship or work, nobody gets out of life unwounded.

So my big aha in early on in your book is that I don't think I have fully brought to my conscious brain that every relationship I'm entering into, whether it's romantic or a friendship or even a work relationship, there is a wounded human there. And that wounded human and nobody gets out of unwounded. And the way I see that is there needs to be caring for the wounds. There needs to be acknowledged of the wounds. And then in the relationship, you're also getting mired back to you, your own wounds. It's a really different way to enter a relationship, don't you think? Totally. But I think one of the smartest ways to enter into a relationship is with this profound acceptance that you're both imperfect people, that you both have so much growth to do,

and that you have a lot of letting, a very strong emotional reaction. It imprints itself on the mind. So the subconscious of the mind, especially in the eastern perspective, it continues being shaped all throughout your life. It doesn't just stop when you're like seven years old, which is like what some forms of therapy say. But instead, it actually, the moments that you have heartbreak, the moments that you have serious loss, the moments that you have big grief or different forms of anger, whatever heavy emotion you have, it imprints the mind, it shapes the mind, and it predisposes the way that you perceive reality and the way that you will react because your mind is constantly looking at situations and filtering them through this perception

of the past. And when we come into relationships, we come in with this thick lens of perception and we often come in on the defensive. We come in with this survival mode and it makes it really challenging to connect because if you really fully want to connect with another human being, you actually have to work on letting go of your past and understanding your emotional history. And so in that, you know, the way that I've, so I've been married for over 30 years and my husband I met when we were both 21 years old. So we, so we grew up together. And one of the things I would say that I've learned from a 30-year marriage is that when he triggers me, I've now have the emotional maturity realize, like, that's on me. There is something in, like there's a wound in me. There's something in me that I can heal. It doesn't mean he gets to get away with whatever he is doing, but it's a beautiful mirror for me to see what I can steal.

heal within myself. Is that something that you have discovered in this process of, of, you know, bringing a more enlightened picture of love to the world? Absolutely. I think you just said it's so beautifully. And it's something that we really have to understand is that, of course, there are going to be times where, you know, one partner needs to apologize or reassess the way they're approaching you or whatnot. But ultimately, your perception and your reaction is happening inside of your own mind. So you have to understand, like, what is this mechanism? What is this revealing about me?

Like, what in this relationship, in this mirror of a relationship, am I seeing about myself that needs some tending, that needs some care? And I think that's something that's quite empowering because you can understand in yourself, like, okay, I didn't like what they said, but am I taking it too far? am I demanding too much of a like giant repetitive forgiveness over and over again where ultimately like, yeah, we make mistakes. Like there are going to be moments where if I'm tired and I'm feeling down, it's going to be easier for me to feel triggered.

And that's why like communicating about where you are in your emotional spectrum, you know, which is something that my wife and I do really often, at least twice a day where it's like, we let each other know, like I don't feel good right now. And in the act of naming it, when I name that I don't feel good or she named, did, it almost helps us support each other better and the one who's feeling down treats themselves more gently. And it's quite helpful because even in the naming of like where you are in your emotions, we found that it gives less almost like cannon fodder to the mind to jump through these illogical hoops. And it's trying to like build these narratives that don't really exist so that it

can place the blame on the other person. Like I don't want to accept the fact that I don't feel good it being my responsibility, I want it to be your fault. Right, because it's easier for me to blame you. Yeah, totally. But you have a line in here that really blew me away, and I literally have it in all caps on my notes here. And it was, if your ego is growing, then your freedom is shrinking. And I think what happens in that blame moment when it's the other person's fault,

that's ego protection. But over time, that becomes harder and harder to navigate. And I can tell you in a 30-plus year marriage, I have now gotten to a point where I realize that the only freedom is in me owning where the marriage is getting stuck. But most people do the blame game, and that comes from the ego. So can you talk a little bit about that? Because I think it's hard for people to piece that apart. it's interesting like the ego is really trying to win like it's a it's an a framework of survival so it's

trying to help you not get pushed into a corner and there are moments where like you know arguments arguments are going to happen that's just like a natural you know thing that comes with proximity whether it's you know the person you're married your partner your roommate whoever's close to you at some point you're going to have some type of arguments but when these arguments arrive understand that the ego is going to try to win. It's going to try to dominate the narrative. But when you're constantly trying to win, you're both going to lose because then what are you seeking? You're seeking dominance. You're not seeking repair. And what you really want to do is instead of trying to win, you want to do what true love is and true love is understanding. This is something

that Ticknodhan said that I've always been so inspired by where he said, love is understanding. and I couldn't agree more with him because when you take turns to really explain your perspective and your partner also gets to explain our perspective and you take, you know, you use that energy to step outside so you can really see where they're coming from. And then you also get to share your series of events. Then you have this opportunity for a new level of understanding. And it's quite beautiful of a process because often when you understand each other better, that tense energy just fizzles out and you realize, oh, there isn't a problem here because now we get each other. I can see you better. Yeah. And as I'm listening to you speak again, and this was

throughout the whole book, that I kept thinking, this isn't just applicable to romantic relationships. Yeah. Like what you're teaching in this book, I felt like I want to be, I want to take these principles and be that person who shows up in every relationship like that. And this part about the ego growing is so interesting because I think we're at a time, especially in our country, where there was been so much finger pointing. But it's almost like a dead end street. You think so if the ego is growing because you're like, look at me, I'm right. The freedom actually over time for yourself starts to shrink. And that's why I want to highlight that. Yeah. And you want to think about it, too, in the context of like the sort of where is human evolution going? Like when people are really spending a lot of

time meditating and they're really spending time developing themselves, they're activating their self-love. And you know the self-love is real if it starts opening the door to unconditional love to all beings. And this is a really sort of key point because when you're able to turn your attention inward and you can see the way that you struggle, the way that you suffer, and you start noticing, oh, this is not just happening inside of me. It's happening inside of all beings. And that compassion starts being activated, you find that, you know, whether you think about the sort of the major archetypes of human beings in history, like people like Jesus or the Buddha or like, you know, great monks and nuns from thousands of years ago, like people who've taken the mind to the ultimate

level, they are not living through a framework of ego. They're living through a framework of compassion. And that's something that, you know, it's quite difficult to do, but you can train the mind over time to not come from a place of ego where instead you're doing what's best for you and you're doing what's best for others. And you're coming to solutions that benefit as many people as possible without people pleasing, still taking care of yourself, still maintaining boundaries, but you're trying to do what's good for yourself and for others. And I think that's a much more productive place to live from than from a place of just me, me, me. Yeah, which leads me to my other aha, which was, and I've just, I will be fully transparent. I have been on and off meditation routines for years. And last year,

my mind was, you know, with launching fast like a girl out into the world and I know you know how this is. You are busy. Busy, busy, busy. You're like on podcasts and planes. And the chaos in my mind kept growing and growing. And so I finally hired a teacher to teach me transendental meditation and give me a mantra. And I lasted about a month. And then the busyness kept going. And I hit. And so the end of this year, I got to a point where I told a friend, I'm like, like, okay, now I'm really, now I'm really doing it. And I'm currently 21, 22 days in to meditating every day. But what's fascinating to me is that I thought I was meditating for me. And what I, what I learned in your book is actually I'm meditating for all of my relationships so that I can have a pause in my reactivity. That blew me away last night. night when I was reading your book. Can you talk about that? Like, I totally flipped this for me. Yeah. It's something that was pretty like, you know, when I went into meditating, I've been, I've been meditating for 12, almost 13 years now. I've been meditating every day for like nine

years. So it's been, I put a lot of hours into meditating. And I did a rough estimate once, and it's about like 13,000 hours, I think that I've meditated. And I went into it because my, mind was absolutely chaotic. Like, I was so, can hug my dad. Like, now I can tell my friends that I love them. You know, like everything, well, one, there was at first when I started examining my life, after I started meditating, I saw the hard truth that my relationships were really shallow, that they were just sort of like stuck in this mode. It almost felt like we were all acting. And there was no depth to any of it, but then as I got to know myself better, there was this almost beautiful renaissance that was happening in my relationships. And I saw the same thing happening. My wife and I

both started taking this meditation journey quite seriously. And over time, it just brought so much harmony into our relationship. And where did it all stem from? It was from developing our own self-awareness. It was from developing our own ability to be aware, to be non-reactive, to have compassion. And these are qualities that every human being has, but you have to cultivate them. You have to build that strength up over time. And, you know, taking myself to this, like, a mental gymnasium, which is like how I think of meditation, I'm just taking myself to the mental gym. It's been so fruitful because now I feel like when I'm with someone, I can be really present with them and, you know, I can't take that for granted.

You know, I love, I love some good science. Do we know? Like, I can understand that what meditation does is slow the thoughts down so you're not quick to react. But the part that intrigues me about what you just said is that you also felt you had deeper access to your emotions. You felt like you were more compassionate. Is that just because you weren't reacting as quickly? like what what occurred in the mind that helped you access compassion that's it's really interesting so when you are true so this this style of meditating is a little different from TM this is like a it's the Theravada style so from it originates from the Buddhist teaching and you're just observing reality as it is so there's like there's no mantra you're just working with a breath and then you're

eventually you build the calmness and concentration of the mind enough so that you can crisply feel all the changes that are happening in the body, and you're literally just studying the universe within the framework of the body, and it's nothing like esoteric or anything like that. You're just feeling the way everything's changing. And when you understand that change is actually, the appreciation of change is the exact opposite of attachment, because attachment is just clinging, and change is just the truth of the universe, and your only option is to just flow with it and accept it. it really helps make life a lot smoother.

But back to the compassion point, what I've noticed is that the mind is very tense. And when the mind is tense and full of attachment, full of clinging, you don't have access to the fullness of your creativity and you don't have access to the fullness of your compassion. And when you decrease attention with a non-reaction and you're just able to accept,

okay, my mind has a lot of thoughts right now, or there's anxiety, but I'm not making that anxiety worse. I'm not adding fuel to that fire. I'm just accepting it for what it is, and I'm allowing it to just move through as opposed to thinking I'm anxious, no, actually anxiety is just moving through me.

And having that switch of that framework just helps the mind to have more agility. And for me, like, a compassionate mind is an agile mind. So when we look at fight or flight, we always think of amygdala, you're locked in your amygdala. Do we have any understanding with meditation? Does it bring you into your prefrontal cortex?

Does it pull you out of the fighter flight? Like I'm wondering, because the amygdala will hold you there if you don't consciously try to get other parts online. Yeah, I think from what I've read about the studies, I think it just increases your gray matter tremendously. And, you know, it's interesting. Like I've seen studies, but I think in some ways, Western world and the Eastern world have different conceptions of the mind where like the mind,

you know, for the for the Western world, the mind is very brain oriented. And the Eastern world, there's just like the mind just stretches this whole being, you know, and there's, there's just some in some ways I also think that the Buddha, like I'm not a Buddhist, but I really respect the Buddhist teaching and I take it quite seriously. And I feel like he understood the mind better than any other human being, you know, like in history. Yeah. Well, he meditated a long time. Yeah, he meditated a ton.

Like seven years, right? Yeah, six years of hard meditating. And then he just, you know, helped tons of people. But I do find that like meditating, like, you know, I'll sit and I'll go for long retreats, like 30 or 45 days. And I find that when there's a lot of fear happening, I can literally feel it in my mind. And I feel it back here, like in the back when, fear gets very activated. And when there's a lot of concentration, a lot of the mental focus is just

up here and right behind my forehead. But those are like felt experiences. And so then when you feel, like if you're feeling that, like you're on a book tour right now. And so you're going to have to leave, I assume you're leaving your little cozy cabin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be all over. Yeah. So then when you go out in, out of the peaceful environment you're in and you catch that fear in the back of your head and your mind, because of the meditation, the training, are you able then to go, oh, there's, there it is, and then you can drop in and relax it? I actually, I don't try to change it. I feel it. You know, that's the thing is like, I'm, I think there's this, we have this tendency in the Western world to just, like, be so attached to

feeling good. And when we're trying to, like, constantly mold and shape and, like, you know, I want to add this thing and add this. thing and just change the way we're experiencing reality, I think sometimes the easiest thing is just to accept like, oh, like literally, I've had moments when I'm walking on stage. I'm about to speak to, you know, 900 people and I'm feeling anxiety as I'm walking onto the stage. And I'm like, oh, interesting. I feel the anxiety and I can feel it in my chest and I feel it in my hands. And the mind so sharp that your body doesn't feel static. It feels dynamic where like the you, you know, you can make your concentration so,

so vibrant that literally your whole body feels like, almost like biochemical reactions. Like everything's just changing and flowing and ebbing and you can feel like down to, you know, below the level of like your blood where it's like you can just feel the most minute aspects of your body and you can feel, oh, right, there's no point in me getting attached to this feeling that I don't like instead. It's just like another thing that's changing. So anxiety's here and then it disappears and then someday it'll be back, but I don't really care. I'm just going to do my best and be intentional as opposed to being reactive. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I love that. That's a layer. I'm always looking for the joy. So that's a good layer for me. I really like that.

So check this out, though. I really geeked out on your 12 lessons from 12 years. of meditating. Oh, yeah, yeah. And there were a couple of them that really stood out to me that I want to bring forward in this conversation that I don't think, like, I feel like, I think in terms of cultural conversations. Like there's always these little conversations

that are being had amongst people on social media. And I feel like the number one thing you learned where pain spreads through the web of humanity, I feel like you called out an underground cultural conversation that nobody's willing to look at, that we as a culture are in pain. And it is spreading. And we can label it mood disorders, anxiety, loneliness. But the bottom line is humanity is in a state of pain.

And there's something freeing about the way you phrase that spreads through the web. it's like it's contagious. Can you talk a little bit about that number one principle because that hooked me in right away? Yeah, I'm so glad that that really connected with you. I think it's something that I found, you know, just from all the time meditating, it became quite clear the way we are sort of given pain and then we pass it down. And it's just this constant thing that's happening through history where, you know, we just, there have been pockets in different cultures and different moments in history that have known how to process their pain well, like indigenous cultures, Eastern cultures, and the Western world is learning a lot more through therapy

and whatnot. But it's, I think we're living in a special moment where it's probably the first time in human history where all these fantastic tools have become much more widely available than ever before because in the past it was just like, you know, someone hurt you or your society didn't understand you or some form of abuse or trauma happened. And then we're just passing down what was given to us. And this is the first time in human history where someone may have passed me their pain and I've gotten hurt, but I've learned what to do with that. I've learned how to process it, how to feel it, how to sit with it. How to sit with it. it, how to feel it without projecting it onto other people, and not only just feel it and contain it,

but feel it and allow it to evaporate. And that's the beautiful thing about, you know, this, this one of the big positive of this giant wellness movement where we have all these modes, like even like fasting, like fasting, like if you're having a terrible time with your cell phone, you should fast, you know, like you should do some fasting and then you're going to, you're going to be not only highly unimpressed by your cell phone, but everything is going to look so much more beautiful. And you're just like, oh, wow, this world is sick. This world's awesome. But, you know, that or you can try different styles of meditating, different styles of therapy. Like, there are so many beautiful, powerful tools. And because we are learning how to bring that into our dominant culture,

where it's like, you know, what way do you heal? And I'll tell you what way I heal. And that just creates less points where harm gets passed around from human to human because we know what to do with it now. So are you saying that if I'm trying to find a parking spot at the grocery store and I find one and somebody cuts me off and then, you know, we end up yelling at each other or the person yells at me that their pain, their anger gets directed at me and really, the goal is to understand that it's their pain. I don't need to hold on to it. I don't need to engage in it. So when we look at all humans are existing in a painful state, and when they come at you with their pain, what you are offered is the opportunity to just let it move through

you and past you. Yeah, absolutely. And even in that scenario that you brought up, let's say you are triggered and you do become reactive and you start screaming back at them. But then you go home and you realize, you know what? I don't like the way I showed up in that moment. I don't know what was going on with that individual. And if they were having some sort of emergency or they had a horrible childhood or upbringing or whatnot. And you say to yourself, okay, I showed up in that manner, but you know what? I'm not going to let that moment turn me into that person. And then I'm not going to like, you know, do the same thing that someone has done to me. So in that moment, you had a choice and you acted on it and you decided I'm I could have acted better. I forgive myself, but I'm not going to

do the same thing to another person. Yeah. So what's interesting is the classic is you, a bunch of people come at you in a day and you take on their anger. It riles you up and then you take it home and you pass it on. So what I'm seeing in your in this idea that pain is just this infectious thing that can just keep being passed from person to person is that through your lens of meditation, when we stop and we see the pain as the other persons and we don't take it on and pass it on, I mean, the ripple effect of that could be huge. Huge. I'm always thinking about that next generation of kids that's, you know, being born and going

to be born. And what I'm hoping is that they're, like, things aren't going to be perfect, right? You're not going to come onto earth and expect to be unscathed. Like something's going to happen that's going to be challenging. And challenge is good for you. But you also, but you don't want to be in like abusive scenarios. You want to grow up in much more loving homes. And I think it's exciting that people are learning how to deal with their emotions and become friends with their emotions so that they can like help.

You know, the next generation become less and less harmful. And I like the way that you were mentioning about, you know, you know, you know, anger spreading because I've been finding that every emotion is an invitation. And what, you know, when you, when you're angry, you want other people to join you in your anger. Yes. You either tell them what happened and you're like, yeah, wasn't that messed up? And they're like, yeah, that was messed up. And they're like joining with you. Or you're so angry, you can't contain it within yourself and you just start being mean to people around you and you make them angry. The same thing happens with pleasant, happier emotions. Like you want people to share.

in your joy, you're like, look at this amazing joke. Look at this amazing tree that I just walked past. And we have to think to ourselves, what do we want to accept? Like, yes, we want the invitations to the more pleasant, sort of more joyful, beautiful emotions. But are we going to accept every invitation for a heavy emotion? Like, no, I think that would just make it difficult for yourself. Yeah. Oh, I love that. That thought. And as you were talking, I was like, wow, you know, there's days you think have we really lost our way with humanity. But then as I hear you talk, I'm like, wait, you're right. Like a lot more people are going into therapy. People are starting to have better self-awareness. I wish I could see studies about this because the numbers must be

enormous. Like, have you ever seen a time? Like, if you look back at history, like, has there ever been a time where this many people were actively trying to heal their minds? Right. You know, Like that's like how many millions of people are taking therapy all over the world like from from here to Singapore. Like you know, as long as you live in some major city, you're going to find some type of yoga, some type of therapy, like something that's going to help you cultivate yourself. And I think like when I when I look at the world and I see how chaotic it is, I remember that fact that more people are healing themselves than ever before. And I'm hoping that that can become the place where the future sort of societal structure will be, you know, founded on is on his healing. Oh, I love that thought. So your ninth lesson is one that I think is really applicable to women going through menopause.

And I also will actually, number nine and number 11 are really ones that I see happening to women going through menopause. So number nine is having a fluid sense of identity. And number 11, is setting the space and aside is not selfish. So I'll fill you in a little bit on my new book is really how the brain changes when estrogen goes away. And one of those changes is that you become less of a people pleaser. Your brain is actually not as addicted to oxytocin and dopamine and pleasing

everybody. And so there is this identity shift that's happening to women after 40. And yet, I don't, I don't think we have a culture that says, hey, cool, you can change if you want to change, or we haven't set up relationships or marriages to be like, oh, wait, I met you, you know, in your 20s, but in your 50s, you should still be the same. And yet, if you look at what happens to the menopausal brain, you absolutely are moving into a different person. So can you talk a little bit about what you mean about this fluid sense of identity? Let's start with that one. I love how you came to that from a scientific point of view. And I came to that from like just sitting with my eyes closed. And I was like, you know, like it became so clear to me that

if you think about the primary law of this universe is impermanence. And you can feel that crisply in the body. Like that's what we train ourselves to do in vipassana is feel that truth of impermanence in the body. And this universe, whether it's at the cosmological level, at the atomic level, at the biochemical level, at the everyday level of human life, like everything is just constantly changing and it's this it feels like this gigantic river that is moving forward it just moves forward and if you fight that it's going to hurt if you fight that and you try to be static in that

sort of ocean you know in that river of the universe you're just going to get tossed around so instead embrace it flow with it and what does that mean for your sense of self like that means your preferences are going to change that means that you know what you like what you dislike your perspectives on the world, the way that you look at things ideologically, politically, like you're just going to be in constant motion because the human mind is also a sponge. It's constantly absorbing everything around it. So trying to be the same all the time, it just, I think in some ways, like you're kind of lying to yourself if you really think, this is who I am and this is who I always will be. No, you're just being really attached to one view of yourself.

and if you really love your partner, I think that's one of the beautiful things about relationship is like my wife and I got together when she was 18 and I was 19. And now she's, you know, 36 and I'm 37. We're like totally different people from who we were back then. And it's kind of awesome. It's like, oh, like who are you now? Like who, like, tell me about what you like and what you don't like

because I can't read your mind and I want to continue exploring with curiosity. And that's that, I need to find a better word, but that to me is an enlightened perspective. I don't think, especially in committed long-term relationships, I don't think we talk about this enough. I recently heard a podcast with Sarah Perel. And she talked about how in relationships throughout your lifetime, you are going to fall in love with two to three different people. And for some of us, that's going to be the same person in the same relationship. And for others, it's going to be two or three different people. Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Right, and that a cool concept? And then when you look at that, and then I look at the brain changes that happen to women as they go through menopause. And I look at statistics like women are killing themselves between 45 and 55. And more divorces are being initiated by women after 4. 40, I feel like if we can get to the root of that issue, it's that there's not enough cultural conversation about you can change. You can change. You don't have to keep those beliefs. So does meditation do that? Like, I mean, how does that sort of free you to find new patterns of

yourself? I think that's, that's this, especially, you know, these facts that you just pointed out, I feel like one of the roots of inner peace that I was able to build within myself is in the simple act of letting my identity fluctuate. Just like you just don't need to hang on to who you were before. You can allow yourself to change. You can change what you like, what you don't like and what your hobbies are and what you find interesting. And it's been such a freeing thing. It's just like, okay. And I've noticed that if you really care about.

your personal growth, then what you're basically doing is embracing your own evolution and activating it. So you better be ready to change, right? You're not going to stay the same person. There's one thing that my wife and I noticed after every long retreat that we do, we did a number of these 30-day and 45-day retreats. And after each one of them, you know, we're meditating 45 days in total silence. We're not with each other. We're like, you know, in separate, rooms on the other sides of the meditation campus and you're meditating 11 hours a day. And in these long meditation retreats, it's almost like you're taking yourself like a football and just throwing yourself down the field and you're just flying into your evolution.

You're just growing at incredibly rapid rates. And when you come out, like, you need to discover who you are again. Like, what are my preferences? And we not only do I need to find out what I like. and what I don't like now. But I also, we need to reconnect, like, who we are as partners. So, you know, you're in the 45-day retreat. You usually have two days to talk at the very end, to start, like, normalizing and extroverting. And in those two days, my wife and I are like, like, how are you? Like, how are you doing? Like, what's going on in your mind? Like, how, you know,

how has it been for you? What do you want life to be like this year? Like, what are you interested in? And it becomes like, I swear to you, it feels like I'm coming across her in a whole, like, I know we've entered totally different chapters. She's a whole new person. And it's just so beautiful because, like, the love is still there. And when we first started doing this retreats, we finished a retreat and be like, I love you. You still love me? You didn't give up on me in 45 days. Exactly. And we're rough like, yeah, yeah, we're cool, we're cool. And then it's, It's just joyful because it's like, let's find out who we are now together and how we're going to, you know, make our relationship as supportive of each other as possible. And that has to be more than just a one hour conversation. Is that something that gets done over a days? Days, days. It almost feels like, you know, you do the 45-day retreat and it takes about two months for you to really kind of, you're like, oh, this is who I am now. Like, I don't care about that TV show anymore. Or that last book I was reading was.

dumb, you know, like I'm going to pick up something else and this makes way more sense or, you know, the way I want to establish my relationships with people or new friendships that I want to build or new goals. And it's honestly pretty fine. And it's nice because you're doing it with a mind that is far less reactive. So challenges are there. And it's so funny. You know, I come out of a 45-day retreat and all the agents and editors, they're all like trying to call. And I feel the tension in their voices then are like, you know, you have to make decisions on this and that and this. And I'm like, it's fine. Like, we're fine. You know, like, let's take that time. You know, it's funny is I actually think the first time, I don't know, you reached out to me or I reached out to you, I was trying to

get you on the podcast. And it was a September. And maybe it was two years ago. I can't remember. But my staff came back to me and said, he's meditating until the end of the year. I was like, what? Wait. How come I don't? say this. Why does he get to say this? They're like, yeah, you can't come on the podcast because he's meditating until the end of the year. I had this funny moment one time. I was one of the first times I was on a Today show and like right before we get on air, Hoda was like, Maria Shriver was trying to get a hold of you. And she said that you wrote her right before you went into retreat and you were like, I'll talk to you in 45 days. Like, who does that? I was like, I'm sorry.

to me, that's like the most important thing to schedule in the year and everything else can wait. Amazing. I love that. Okay, so that leads to setting the time and space aside is not selfish. So again, in the new book that I'm writing, I've been doing some research into Carol Gilligan's work. She is a feminist philosopher. And she wrote a book called In a Different Voice, which basically is her research in the 1980s. of how the culture we live in taught women to be self-less. And so when we go into relationships, we are great codependence. We're really good caregivers. We're fabulous people-pleasers, some of us more than others, but a lot of that has been

the infection of the culture. And for menopausal women, this is a struggle because you're, as you become less addicted to oxytocin when your brain changes, you don't actually want to please people as much, which is a challenge for relationships. So can you talk a little bit about how do you find space within the relationship where it's not threatening to the other person in the relationship? I think it's just like one of the most critical things because the way we think about it in our relationship is that the time that we put into ourselves is the best investment that you can make in your life. And meaning like the times that I take to go meditate or go on retreat or the times

that she takes to, you know, work on her health, to meditate, all those same things. Like, because she's doing her best to take care of herself, like that's where our joy comes from. the fact that we can even show up for each other, the fact that we like put such a big importance on like sleep is the big thing for us this year is like we want to get way better at sleeping. And like, you know, we've been able to narrow down like what are the best diets. And it's funny because we have like totally opposite diets that are optimal for the both of us. We've been able to stabilize everything with meditating and building non-reaction and compassion. But we know that like this is time well spent.

Like I, not only because I love you, do I want you to be healthy and happy and, you know, sort of set yourself up for internal success, but that internal success that you build inside of yourself that is directly coming from your self-care, that's what creates the external success that we can enjoy with each other. So to me, it's like, it's something that just cannot be overlooked. Like, take your time. Take your time because that's why we're like loving life together. So I find this very holistic because what most people do when they fall in love is that they become attached because they feel so good. And then as that love grows, if there's any form of detachment from each other, then it becomes threatening to the relationship. So when I hear about you and your wife, like how well you care for each other in order to care for the relationship. How do we help

the many of the women that follow this podcast that are like, this is great, but I can't get my spouse to see that my self-growth and my evolution is actually a benefit to the relationship. Are there strategies that we can, or language we can use? And it's not always spouse. Sometimes it's even friends. Sometimes it's family members. Roommates. Yeah. It's, I think one of the main things, especially with whoever you are in proximity to, because like, whoever you're in proximity to, you're in relationship with, whether it's an intimate relationship or a friend or a roommate, whatever, a family member, if you're close to them, they're going to see the best of you and they're going to see the worst of you. So having a situation where your relationship is not based on

attachments, but instead it's based on clear commitments. And I think that's just been a game changer, like, you know, where you let your partner know, like, what are your needs? Like, you know, the fact that you do need space to be able to take care of yourself because that's what helps you cultivate happiness in your own mind and then they can enjoy from that happiness because we can have a better time together. But being really clear about like what my needs are and you hear their needs and then we bridge the two with our commitments. So it's like, oh, this is the way I can support your happiness or this seems a little outside of my range. I can't quite do that. And being very sort of, you know, that clear communication, that honest communication between

each other, I think it really is important. And I would say that people like, if your partner loves you, they're not going to fight you about supporting your well-being. You know, it's, I think it's something that's just so like when I started meditating daily, my wife, she was too busy to meditate daily at that time that she was working as a scientist. But even though that took a little bit of our time away from each other, like hanging out in the evening, she was so supportive. And it was because she loved me. She knew that she knew that it was like good for me and good for us. And I think you're, I find that there are a lot of partnerships. that I've come across, like people and friends who, you know, one person is very serious about

therapy or, you know, they work with a psychiatrist and it's really helped them, or they meditate, and both partners don't need to be doing the same thing because different minds need different tools. And as long as you respect that of each other, then you're going to have that harmony between you. Yeah, that's so beautiful. The other part that I really resonated with, probably because I'm personally doing this, right now is the power of slowing down. And you have this thing in the book about you don't have to answer every text and every email. And as like you said that, I was reading it, the book. And then there were like 10 texts that came through. And I was like, I could feel the anxiety

because it was 6 o'clock on a Sunday night. And I could feel the anxiety of like, no, I don't want to answer these. So it does beg the question that we live in a world where everybody can get a hold of you at any period of time. How do you not partake in that energy? I mean, we have to realize that it's absolutely unnatural, right? Like, we were, our minds were built to, like, to have what, maximum, what, like 150, 160 friends. Right. But then I have, like, you know, a thousand people that I would have, you know, follow me in my private account. on Facebook and Instagram and then like millions of followers who all who can all sent you a DM and how many emails and every time another social media platform opens first there's like a public

feed and then eventually they like create a direct messaging thing and every time they create another direct message I'm like no like you know like it's just it's too much and I had this really funny moment where my mom is like you know very old school I was we were born I was born in Ecuador and I was explaining to my mom. I'm like, mom, I have like four million followers, like almost four and a half million followers across networks. I was like, I get like probably like thousands of messages every day. And I was like, I can't respond to all them. And she was like, you need to respond to them. And I was like, and my mom, I'm like, mom, I don't think you understand. I was like, if I spent time responding to all them, I would have to do it day and night. Like day

in night forever. But she didn't quite understand the gravity of the numbers. And it was just hilarious because I thought of myself and like imagine like, oh my God, if I was just responding to messages, I would absolutely deteriorate. I would disappear. I would become like a shell of myself. So for my own sake, like I have to have these boundaries where I have to, you know, I can't respond to every text immediately because like I'm doing stuff. I'm trying to live my life. And I don't want to be stable to my phone. Like that's just not a good way to live. Yes.

But I think what's interesting is I feel like we're at a tipping point because maybe we used to be able to respond. But to your point, our circle of influence has grown so big. And now we have all these people that maybe like, do we even want to respond to them? I don't know. And I have a good friend who is very clear that she has like four people she talks to on a regular basis. And everybody else is in it, you know, she gets to when she can. And when she first told me that, I thought, well, that's interesting. And then I started to think about the people that I talk to on a daily basis.

And it was like 20. And I thought, well, no wonder I'm uncensored. That's a lot of text messages. It's a lot of text. It's a lot of confidence. So I was, is there like, you know, maybe we need to give ourselves permission. Now, I'm an extrovert, but maybe we need to give ourselves permission to cap the number and make the relationships quality. Is that kind of how you and your wife approach this? Yeah, I think that I think you set it on the dot. I feel like for me, I only have so much energy to be able to really build true friendships, like true friendships where I honestly have the time to even hear your story and care about it.

and, you know, be there for you and support you. And I've realized that, like, yeah, I have, like, there are some people in my life, you know, my mom, dad, my brother, my sister, and my wife, and other family members and a few friends that, like, these are my core people. And I love them. And they are so supportive of me. And I want to be able to give them that same support when they need it. So I can only, I mean, like, you know, we all have our limitations and it's okay. There's, like, there's beauty that can happen within the limitations. And I find like those opportunities for connection, like I don't want them to be watered down. And of course, there are other friendships that are sort of more situational friendships where like I've, you know, if I'm in LA, like I have

friends who are in LA that I hang out with. And we don't talk every day and we maybe talk like three times a year. And it's fantastic because it's a lighter load of a friendship. And I think it's fine. It's like every friend doesn't have to be on the same level. Every friend doesn't have to be a best friend. And that's okay. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Well, next time you're in L.A., I want to be added to your to your friend list. I want to go back to lunch with you. I was just thinking I was like, can I text you too? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to make sure I add you to my inner friends. I might have to kick a few out, but that's okay. Yeah, I promise not to take up too much of your time. Yeah. Thank you. And let me know when you're going meditating because I may want to come join you. Yeah. Yeah. What do you, you know,

as a fellow author, we don't write books just to entertain ourselves. And writing a book is a big, big job. What are you hoping? What are you hoping the world will do with this book? You know, this book, ah, man, I mean, how to love better. Like, you know from yourself, right? You write books and you may have a good sort of idea that you want to put into. a book, a message to serve people well. But then I've learned that over time, because I've, I've released four books, this is my fifth one, I've learned how to write books better. And that's another thing where it's like understanding what's like a proper chapter size, like how to framework chapters in a way that they're actually engaging and, you know,

giving people a sense of victory, like how to create language that is simultaneously, accessible and it still maintains that depth, you know, where people are really getting some juicy value. And that's craft. Like, that takes time. And I feel like not only in being an author, but also like where I've landed now with the meditation practice and this, you know, it feels like I'm like entering a new chapter in the meditation practice where I'm not so much going to the mental gym anymore as I am just simply observing because I've trained my mind enough to just. Just let everything go and just observe reality as it is, watch it all fluctuate, and the rest will happen organically. So I feel like I've been able to flow into this book a lot more.

And I'm just really hoping that people can use this book as a way where, like, they see that we all know about love. Like, love is one of the key human experiences. So it's not like I don't want to, I don't want you to feel like I'm talking down to you, but I'm just another person on the road with you who's trying to figure out. How can I show up better for myself and for the people that I'm in contact with? So I'm ultimately just hoping as people serve, you know, serves them well. I had a friend one time say to me that we're all born with the capacity to love. Like we are born love. It's all the other emotions that we are taught by the world.

But love is the pure essence of who we are. Totally, totally. And you find the same thing in the Buddhist teaching where like when the mind becomes pristinely clear and the mind is no longer burdened by, you know, past heavy emotions and traumas and all these heavy imprints when all that tightness has been unbound. The mind is almost like this limitless flowing, boundless love. And you see that. You see that in like monks and nuns and people who've taken their minds to ultimate levels, they see no one as an enemy. They see, they just, they look upon the world and all they feel is compassion.

And I think that's like, that's a nice goal. I like that goal a lot. Yeah, that's amazing. Well, Diego, this is so fun to finally meet and, you know, meld minds. I really do want to stay connected. And when you're in L.A., if it feels right, let's get together and we can talk all. Here's what I want to talk about is how do I get a cool name like Young Pueblo? I want a pet name like that.

Did you just give it to yourself? Yeah, I just gave it to myself and I've been sticking with it, you know? It means young people. And I really, really believe, like, you know, humanity as a whole is very young. Like, we don't know how to do basic, basic things like clean up after ourselves, share with each other, be kind to one another, not hit each other. Like, the things that we try to teach children, we're still master. Right. We're still trying to master these basic fundamentals.

So I like to remind myself, like that's the point of the pen name. It's not for other people. It's a reminder for me. I'm curious if in one of these 45-day retreats, if you come out with a new name. Oh, I mean, probably. I mean, at some point, like, at some point, there will be a retreat and I'll be like, okay, like, I wrote what I need to write and I don't even need to say anything else. And I'll just like, just, you know, keep meditating and live my life quietly.

Yeah, yeah. It's so great. Well, how do people get your new book? We'll leave links and everything. But where do you? Yeah. You can get it on Amazon. on. You can get at Barnes and Nobles, your local bookstore. You can come hang out also on Instagram,

Y-U-N-G-U-E-E-B-L-O. And yeah, I'm happy for us to be able to connect. Yeah, thank you, Diego. This is beautiful. So appreciate you. And I, again, just can't say enough about this book. It just, it really touched me. So thank you for that. Thank you so much, Mindy. Thank you so much for helping the world, too. I'm so grateful to you. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining me in today's episode, I love bringing thoughtful discussions about all things health to you. If you enjoyed it, we'd love to know about it, so please leave us a review, share it with your friends, and let me know what your biggest takeaway is.