Live Like a Girl with Dr. Mindy Pelz - Let Your Fears Make You Fierce – With Koya Webb

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

/ R E A D Y • S E T • R E S E T This episode is all about understanding the emotions of fear and love. Koya Webb is a wellness visionary, author of Let Your Fears Make You Fierce, and founder of Get Loved Up, a conscious community that practices daily self-care and makes healthy living a priority to promote healing, social justice, and spiritual connection. Koya shares her passion for dramatically decreasing the number of people who suffer from chronic diseases associated with a stressful lifestyle, unhealthy diet, and self-defeating habits through self-care, plant-based nutrition, and community education. In this podcast, we cover: How the brain gets trapped in fear Tools we can use to pull ourselves out of fear How to love yourself more: habits for self-love Strategies to bring yourself out of fear and put yourself in a state of love Dealing with fear: four steps to take when you're afraid // R E S O U R C E S  M E N T I O N E D Feel the impact of Organifi - use code PELZ for a discount on all products!  Chilipad  Get Loved Up Book: Let your fears make you fierce Book: What Happened to You Book: The Body Keeps Score Book: The Course of Miracles // M O R E  O N  K O Y A  W E B B  Koya on Instagram Get Loved Up on Instagram YouTube Facebook // F O L L O W Instagram | @dr.mindypelz & @theresetterpodcast Facebook | /drmindypelz & /theresetterpodcast Youtube | /drmindypelz Please note the following medical disclaimer: By listening to this podcast you understand that this video is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute for professional medical advice and should not be relied on as health or personal advice. Always seek the guidance of your doctor with any questions you may have regarding your health or medical condition.  

You have to realize that you are beyond how your face looks, how your nose look, how your lips look, like any of that. You are who you are on a soul level. Like, are you vibrating love? And no matter what you look like, can you realize you are beyond your physical appearance? I am a woman on a mission that is dedicated to teaching you just how powerful your body was built to be. I like to do that by bringing you the latest science, the greatest thought leaders, and applicable steps that help you tap into your. your own internal healing power. The purpose of this podcast is to give you the power back and help you believe in yourself

again. My name is Dr. Mindy Pels, and I want to thank you for spending part of your day with me. On this episode of the Resetter podcast, we are going to dive into understanding the emotions of fear and love. My next guest, Coya Webb, is quite an impressive human. And she is the founder of a company called Get Loved Up, which is what a great name is that. And she has a podcast called Get Loved Up. And she's the author of a new book called Let Your Fears Make You Fierce.

And what I love about the discussion that we have in this episode is we start off talking about fear and how does the brain get trapped in fear? And how do we keep perpetuating fearful thoughts? and then we flip it and talk about tools we can use to pull ourselves out of fear. So the front half of this episode is made specifically for those of you who really get spun up around fear and you need some new strategies to pull yourself to a higher place. So I'm so excited at what she shares there. And then we go into love. And we talk about not only loving each other, but most importantly we talk about self-love and how do we start to look within and love ourselves despite all our imperfections.

And she has some profound strategy. She has really good techniques that you can use to not only bring yourself out of fear, but put yourself into a state of love and then how to take that love and spread it around to the people around you. So this is definitely, I've had lots of conversations that have been more head-based. This is a conversation that really goes to the heart. And, you know, if we look at 2020 and what it did to the human race and how many of us got triggered by the events of 2020, there has never been a more important time for a conversation like this. Now is the time to reset our neurology.

Now is the time to reset the way that our brain has been programmed over the last year. And discussions like what Coya and I have in this next episode is going to give you not only a new paradigm, and a new way to look at the way we approach life, but it's going to give you tools. You guys hopefully know that I am all about bringing you information, but then giving you action steps so that you can start to make some definitive changes in your life that ultimately make you happier and healthier. So Coya Webb, enjoy you guys. This one, as I always say, is mind bending and mind expanding.

And I hope you love it as much as I'm. I loved having the conversation. I think what's the most interesting about your message is this and your passion is this idea around fear. I am strangely enamored with what happens to the brain when it goes to a fearful place. And I feel like after 2020, we were so spun up. People got so spun up so quickly. Please help us understand why we can.

grab fear and go down what I call a rabbit hole so fast. It's almost like we can grab that quicker than we can grab anything positive. Why do our brains do that? Well, you know what? I have a very unique concept about fear. Love it. And I love that we can acknowledge fear. And it's important that we can acknowledge fear because I believe fear is feedback. And I believe fear is feedback to places that we need to be nurtured. So if we stop trying to fight fear and have no fear and being scared of fear and actually embrace fear, because everything in this world is for us. And I know everyone might not believe that, but even the things that we've been created that are negative,

it is for us to figure it out so that it's more in alignment with our growth and evolution and expansion versus tearing us down. So when you think about fear, and I want everyone listening, think about what do you fear right now? and take a journey with that fear. So if fear is your friend, and let's say, give me something that you're afraid of. We'll go down the journey with you. Okay. Oh, I have so much fear around my children.

I fear their lives will unravel in some way. Awesome. So you have this fear about your children. And you ask yourself, why do I fear something bad will happen to my children or things that are unravel? And most of the times it'll take you back. to what needs to be nurtured.

So one thing might be, I'm afraid that they're going to get caught up in social media, that they're not going to have a real conversation. So the solution to that would be having conversations with them and teaching them having conversation. And the more you start doing the thing that counterbalance the fear, the more you're living in alignment with love. And that's what I teach about in my book, Let Your Fear Make You Fierce. It's all about leaning into the fear, not surrendering to it because we are not our

fears. And I'll repeat that we are not our fears. We are not our emotions. Our emotions are just tools to help us align with love. Now, it's just like if you put your hand on a hot stove, the stove is not hot to burn you. The stove just happens to be hot. And if you touch it at the wrong time, then it could burn you. And our fear is not meant to take us out. But sometimes if we're so afraid, it causes anxiety and it causes ulcer and it causes other things. It can hurt us, but it's not meant to. And so I encourage people to journal writing, breathwork and meditation to help process their fear where they're trying to figure out, okay, what is this fear trying to tell me? And how should I move in my life so that I can align myself with love? I love that in theory. And then I say to myself,

how would I practice that? I don't know if our listeners do this, but I will do, if this happens, then this is going to happen. And then if that happens, then that will happen. I call it the rabbit hole. Like, and before I know it, maybe 10 minutes have gone by. And I'm like, whoa, Mindy, stop. Like, where'd you go? You come back to me. So is there, is part of this also acknowledging when the brain is just gone down a path that is, I think it's almost like it. Yeah, it's like gets a hold of you and you can't pull it back. Right. Exactly. And when you'll catch yourself, like you just, just acknowledge, you know what? I can. can go the other direction just like I went this direction. And we have to ask us, why is fear so sexy? Right. Right. Are we so infatuated with fear? And I feel like, one, number one, it's perpetuated in the media.

And whatever, whatever. And so there's this story. And I know we've all heard the story about, you know, there are these two situations where you have fear and you have love. And if these were animals, which one is going to stay with you? The one you feed the most. So we are feeding and nurturing our fears because we were watching the news. We're watching the media. And we keep going, okay, if this happens and this happened and this happened fear, but what if we fed love? What if we're like, okay, if I take care of my kids and I nurture them and I give them this and when they make mistakes, they're not going to be perfect. I sit with them and talk to them. And even when things happen, which things are going to happen,

because things happen to all of us, at least they know they can come to me. And they're not going to be judged. They're not going to be shame. They're going to be held. They're going to be, you know, we're going to cry together. We're going to laugh together. We're going to be angry together.

And if you choose to be that safe haven, then you have this amazing nurturing relationship a lot of us don't have with our parents because we want our parents to be perfect and the parents want their children to be perfect. And that is just not realistic. Perfection is not realistic. So we get those realistic tendencies for ourselves, first of all,

then we can get with those realistic, those professionalistic, that professionalistic reality for our children. And then we can actually start to love because love isn't perfect. Love is messy. It's sloppy. There's a lot of things that happen. And once we release that stronghold of perfection, once we release the stronghold of judgment,

and just learn to love ourselves unconditionally first because you can't love your children or your partner unconditionally if you don't love yourself. And a lot of people are like, I love myself. Okay, you love yourself, but did you look in the mirror and frown? What part of yourself did you look at and be like, what part of you made you roll your eyes? And we're women, so we know we do this.

I'll be the first to admit. Oh, yeah. I am beautiful and I love myself, but sometimes I beat myself up. Sometimes I get up a hard time. I try to catch myself. I'm like, girl, stop. Yep. Right.

And we have to do this and we have to understand. If we're doing it to ourself, we are doing it to our partner. Whether we say it or not, they can feel when we're like, ooh, like, like, you know, and our children can feel it too. You know, so we first have to be careful about self-judgment and how much we judge ourselves and how much we shame ourselves and once we do that, we can have more compassion for others. And we can, like I said, I can use my own.

my own personal story of, you know, this month is, is my 40th, you know? Yay! Thank you. And I'm not married. I don't have kids and there's a lot of pressure. You know, there's a lot of pressure to like, oh, well, well, you know, are you a woman if you don't get married? Are you a woman if you don't have kids? Like, you know, why and what's wrong with you and all these things? Yeah. Because it's like all this pressure to live like the status quo or like what it means to be normal. don't do what's normal or what everyone else is doing, that something must be wrong, right? So well said. We put so much pressure on it. Even if you do get married, if you don't do it in a certain way, or if you have different practices, or if you do have kids, if you don't parent like everyone

else is parents, so much pressure. Yep. And if you're listening to me right now, you're like, yes, I'm so sick of the pressure. And the first thing we have to do is just take it off ourselves and just say, you know what, I'm not going to be like everybody else. I am here to live life uniquely because none of us can live life like someone else. I am here to live life uniquely as myself. And me living as myself in my fullest expression is what's really going to bless the world. And I feel like if we knew that as young women, we would be more empowered. If we knew that, hey, you are not here to be like,

Tiffany or Susan or Stephanie, you are here to be you. But when we go up, it's like, well, you need to look more like her. You need to sit more like this. And so we were always trying to be something that we weren't. And we were always trying to live up to an ideal. But now we have this beautiful opportunity to re-parent ourselves and our children to say, I want you to be the best version of you. What makes you feel good?

I love that. Yeah. I love that. And one thing I've noticed about fear, and negativity is that we tend, especially as women, we tend to sort of gravitate to each other and bitch about all the horrible things that can happen. And it's a unifier. And we don't even realize that we're creating community in expressing all the negative things that are going on in our life. That cycle has to change, at least in women for sure, because we do that naturally

and it does not serve us. How do we change that? I am glad you brought that up because it is trauma bonding and there's some glist in it, but you have to go through the journey. The germany is not to, it's like if you go mud wrestling, great, but you don't need to want to stay in the mud, right? And so we're staying in the mud with this trauma bond. So one, it's acknowledging this happened to me. Like, this happened to me when I didn't get married.

This happened to me when I got married. This happened to me when I started my cycle. This happened to me. And that's good. We're acknowledging our pain. We're acknowledging our anger. good. And so we did a good thing, but then we got stuck there. And then whenever you engage in a conversation with whether it be online or in person is go through the journey. And I have a

process that I share with my community. And this process starts with acknowledging, like the problem, acknowledging the fear. And then going through forgiveness, if someone hurt you or if you hurt yourself saying, you know what, this is not in alignment with how I want it. And then once you acknowledge and then once you forgive, then you set an intention. And this, I'm telling you, if you're not writing this down, get a pen, put it in your notes, write it down because this process has helped me in my life so much. So you acknowledge it. You forgive either the other person.

I just posted today on my Instagram of forgiveness meditation. You just literally start with, you know, some breath work and then say how this person hurt you or how you hurt yourself. And then give yourself the apology that. you need. I'm sorry, Coyer, for just putting so much pressure on you to, like, get married before a certain age or have kids before a certain age. You're a perfect hollered plea. You've created a community. You are serving the world in a beautiful way. And your greatness does not depend on you being married or having kids. Your greatness does not depend on any of those things. And, you know, and that feels good.

It's awesome. Right. It just feels good. After you do the forgiveness, then you set an intention. So what do you want? What do you want? Not does what society want to see. And so for me, every relationship I have, I want it to be a healthy relationship, positive relationship. That is my intention.

And if anything is meant to flourish from there, whether it be a business or a friendship or a life partnership or I decide that I want to adopt kids or have kids in any kind of way, it's going to be because I fully, fully, it's healthy. healthy for me. And it's in a time that aligns with what I feel is nourishing for me. And then you take action. So those four steps, acknowledge, forgive, set it in tension, and then take action. I love that. Go through that in your groups. And you go through that with your partner. Even to go through that with your kids, you don't stay in the muck of it. Yeah. I love that. Do you think, what do you think social media is doing for our fear brain? And is there a way to,

to use social media in a positive way. That's something I've been really thinking about because there is something lovely about social media. But, you know, and I think at different ages, you know, I have a 21-year-old daughter and I watch how she's used social media over the years. And I think, hi, I'm so happy when I was 21 that social media wasn't around. Right. I mean, I'm just going to be honest. You know, social media is so nuanced. I mean, we can, we can seriously say, like, it's positive, it's negative.

It's life. It's life. and life is positive, life is negative, life is messy, life is all of that. And so that's what we saw on social media. That's one thing. Now, the social dilemma, the fact that like ads and companies are actually confusing our fears and perpetuated that, that needs to stop. I don't know how it can stop.

That's horrible. It's horrific. I hate that it's like that. But let's go back to the life of it. Because when we talk about the life of it, we realize that we choose. And even media, before social media, media, the news. all of those things are still manipulating us to think, like, however they want us to think. And most of the time, they use fear. Fear that you're not going to be pretty if you don't use this.

You're not going to be healthy if you don't drink this. You're not going to be well if you don't do what it is we're telling you to do. Right. So we like have to do our own homework and find out what do I need to be eating? What do I need to be saying? What do I need to be saying? How can I be healthy mentally, spiritually, and physically. And for me, as, you know, plant-based vegan for 16 years, it's like how, and also, you know, eco-friendly advocate, sustainability advocate, it's like, how can I be well and cause the least amount of harm to others and the least amount of harm to my planet? Because that's the question that we're not asking.

And if you're just kind of by all means necessary, make it bigger, faster, you know, then that's really what's hurting us in our industry as we're learning and as we're proving and expanding and growing we're not caring about our fellow human being we're not caring about the environment and if we don't care about other people as we're growing and expanding well that just just gives us the opportunity to love more and if we don't there's an imbalance so we're experiencing the imbalance so to answer your question yes i would hope that my page and my company get loved up I would hope that people would see how to use social media and the positive. I post daily on my page.

We post daily on the community page. And it's get loved up. Love yourself. Love others. Love the world. And so we're doing positive affirmations, meditation, internal prompts and, you know, how to stress less, you know, yoga poses to release. So we're just really trying to pour into the world because there's so much that's doing the opposite. So, and I would say just notice.

I mean, we could spend all day talking about the negative, but like, we only have so much hours in a day and so much minutes in a day. And so, yes, while I will acknowledge that there's a lot of toxicity, there's a lot of control and manipulation, I'm not going to spend 10 minutes on it because it doesn't deserve my 10 minutes. What deserve, what I'm going to feed is love consciousness. What I'm going to feed is doing right by people. What I'm going to feed is talking about how we can grow, expand, and evolve. I love that. So how did you do. navigate 2020. I'm so curious. I wish I'd had this conversation with you a year ago. Because that was the year of fear. I don't know where you went, where you could go to back away

from the fear. That's a real question. And I want to be honest. I'm going to be honest. In the first three months, I consumed way too much news and way too much social media. I actually had PTSD when, first of all, the news, I was just going down the rabbit hole. consuming, consuming, every post, conspiracy theory. And I was in fear. I was insanely paranoid because of the amount of social media I consumed because I'm trying to figure it out because I need to share with my community and my family

and I'm all about keeping people safe. So yes, that happened to me. And then I was like, so first thing you're going to do is stop. You're going to stop consuming media and you're going to go in. I'm a very spiritual person and you're going to talk to God. And you're going to have a conversation. and you're going to ask at this time, what would you have me to do? And that's literally what I did. I was like, I am not trusting this. I'm not trusting social media. I'm not trusting the media.

I'm going to trust spirit because at the end of the day, I believe that we're a spiritual being having a human experience. And sometimes we get so caught up in the human experience that we forget our purpose. So if the world is going to end tomorrow next month or next year, I still have a purpose. And my hope is that while I'm here, as many days as I have love to breathe the breath of life, that I am living in alignment with love, that I am expressing from love, and that my life is somehow a blessing to the world. And if I stay in purpose and don't get caught up in fear, I am living out that purpose every single minute of the day, even on this podcast, you know? And so we have to remember that if we get caught up in the fear, then are we living in

alignment with our purpose? But if we acknowledge the fear and say, okay, this is happening. Now, what am I? Because we're all here to uniquely be a different blessing to the world. So I asked myself, how am I supposed to bless the world? Immediately, I started doing sound healings on Instagram. I started doing meditations for my community. I just poured and poured and poured into my community. And that was really my ticket. And then the Joyce Floyd incident happened and I had PTSD because that my brother had gotten jumped similarly. It was flashes. of my brother's face and him not making it. And for three days, hearing, I'm pouring into my

community. I took my yoga teacher training and I videoed everything and did it over Zoom. So things were going great. And I see this and I am traumatized. I'm in a dark place for three days. I'm doing breath work. I'm doing transformational letter writing. I'm doing everything. I know. But it took me three days after seeing that video to be okay. And I was telling me, I'm like, y'all, I'm not okay, but I'm going to do the best that I could. But I was crying. I was angry. I was full of fear. When I'd go outside, I was scared like a cop was going to pull me over and I wasn't going to be.

You know, I was just terrified. And so, you know, those are real, real emotions and you just have to work for them. And I say use the tools that I share. And, you know, we all at some point are going to experience fear and frustration. And then sometimes that's going to be trauma. Sometimes it's going to be depression. And for me, that's compounded fear. I had never dealt with this incident that happened in my childhood when I was 14.

So what I said in the beginning, fear is an opportunity for us to nurture those places. So I needed to talk to my brother about that. We never told the parents because my brother was ashamed of it. And I talked to my parents about it. And so once I was able to process all of that and, you know, got a therapist to talk about it and the pain, you know, and my big frustration with police brutality and things like that, it did help me. So sometimes there are some deeper trauma and scars that it's going to take more than just one meditation, right? And positive thinking.

Sometimes, you know, I don't want to, like I said, it's so nuanced when it comes to fear. Sometimes things do take deeper and richer work. So I'm very much a proponent of therapy. I'm a pronoun of EMDR. I'm a opponent of working in groups, but not to stay in the problem. Yes. We acknowledge the problem and bring yourself out. So it's beautiful.

I feel like what I heard and everything you said is instead of leaning away from that uncomfortable moment, you're straight. You lean into it. You go fully into it. And then you have a tool set once you're in it to when you're ready to pull yourself out. 100%. 100%. And you've got to have, you got to have this toolkit.

And for me, I work a lot with our spiritual energy centers or our chakras. You know, we have seven main ones. And I start with the root. And the root, you have to ask yourself, am I safe and secure? If you're not safe and secure, you can't express, you can't live in your power. You can't do all the things you need to do if you don't feel safe and secure. Some people were our houseless. Some people got displaced from their home.

They couldn't pay their rent. And so that's shaking up. And so until they find a place of safety, it's going to be hard for them to then find a job and to do their work in the world. So I actually teach people about our spiritual energy centers. and how to check in with each one, each day to see, is anything blocked and how I'm showing up? And if anything is blocked, I help them do the meditation,

the journaling, the breathwork to bring energy to that center and exercises to make sure that they are not blocked in any area. And a lot of people are like, well, what are the chakras? I don't understand. It's spiritual energy. Well, you feel that gut feeling in your body. You feel that lump in your throat. that's all energetic.

That is your body signaling to you, hey, I'm not okay. So our bodies are telling us or signaling to us when we need to move and shift and change and when something's not right. We just have to learn how to listen to it. And we're not taught that in grade school. No, no, we're not. And I think what I learned last year was that so many people aren't even thinking for themselves.

They're just letting their social media, media itself, their friends. like they're not stopping and really thinking about what they care about and what's important for themselves. It's almost like we're zombies. To your point about social dilemmas, you know, it's like we have lost control of this and we're not, we're not acknowledging that we can control the way that our brain operates and we're just letting everybody else control us. Like that was my total clarity for me of 2020. So it's, yeah, incredible. So on the flip side of fear, we have love. Now, what I think is interesting about love, and I especially want to dive into self-love,

is that in these two emotions, it's, I don't know if the human brain, I'm very fascinated by neuroscience. So it's like, I don't know if the brain is just more programmed for fear or if we've trained it to be more programmed for fear. But it seems like many humans are more likely to go down a fear path than a love path. It's like they haven't trained themselves to love themselves, to love other people. Like love at the core is who we are as humans, yet it seems like we're not doing it enough. Right. And you said it right there. We're not doing it enough because everything is programmed by fear.

And if we look at our major religions, a lot of. of them are really about their fear-based versus love-based. Social media, fear-based versus media, fear-based. Everything is fear-based. So that one's just getting fed the most. No, it's not the fact that one is stronger in the other. At the end of the day, love is stronger, but we're not feeding it at all, you know. We're starting to try to.

So the more that we're sharing with each other is like, you know, positive messages and positive podcasts and like saying, you know, and again, fear is. It is in it of itself, for me, a vibration of love. It's lower. It's a lower vibration. It's a vibration that is at, wake up. It's like it's a screaming vibration that you are not in, align me with love. Your way here at this end, once you get right here, too,

because the more that you feel safe and secure and fully expressed and in your power, compassion, the more you feel that, the more most of us feel that, the healthier we're going to be and the healthier our world. will be. The more we're at the opposite end and fear, the more we're going to be against each other. We're going to be combated for each other. We're going to try to control each other. And all control, manipulation, jealousy, all of that is based out of fear. I'm not going to be loved. If I don't have the most of it. And all of that is keeping you, again, further and further away from the love. So it's all on this same, if you look at it all on the same spectrum, then you realize the more that

you can get rid of that separation by realizing, okay, we're all in this together. We are all one and we have to figure out. And especially when it comes to social justice and, you know, the racial pandemic, a lot of people were just clueless to the fact that racism is alive and rampant today. And it blew my mind because, of course, me, as a black woman, I've been experiencing this all my life. And people were so green to the fact that it is so insidious that it's hard not to fall in these categories that are microaggressions against people of color, that I was happy that people had that awakening. I was going to say, yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't interrupt you, but that was the benefit of last

summer. People woke up. People woke up because, again, they weren't being fed like, hey, you are being this way and being this way unconsciously because of how you were trained. and being this way is detrimental to other people who breathe the same breath and bleed the same blood as you. And I feel like once you hear it, you can acknowledge it, then you can ask yourself for forgiveness.

You can ask other people for forgiveness. You can set an intention to do better and then you can take action. But there's so nuanced again that some people have so much shame and guilt. It's like we can't get to the forgiveness and the intention and things like that. And so I think we still have, of course, a long way to go. But at least more people are acknowledging there is a problem. Yeah, yeah. Do you know David Hawkins stuff, power versus force?

You've talked a little bit about vibration. And he talks about whatever vibration you are resonating at is what you're going to get back. So if you resonate at fear and anger, this is actually, he's a PhD neuroscientist, that you will start attracting more fearful people, you will attract more fearful places. What do you believe about the power of the people around us? If everybody around us is stuck in fear, are we going to operate more from fear? And if everybody around us is stuck in love, are we going to get pulled up to a higher vibration? And how important is our community and our surrounding to moving us from fear to love?

Well, 100% community is key. Because, yes, like you said, if you're around people that are talking and they're scared, they're in a state of fear, you know, more than likely you're going to acknowledge with them and you're going to stay there because it's, you feel like, okay, I'm making us comfortable and we have to be the same. I have to be the same as people are talking. This is the lie. I have to be the same as people around me to be loved, right? I can't be different. Even though I know we shouldn't be in this much fear in order for them to love me, I got to say, yeah, to crap with that and to crap with the world and to crap with trying,

let's just do whatever we want to do. And like, who cares about this and that? You know, because it's like if I don't say that, then I feel like I'm going to be loved. So it takes all of us taking that higher road, you know, like Michelle Obama says, when they go low, you go high. And that high is love. You got to choose love every single moment you can. You have to choose not to vibrate at that frequency of fear.

Even if you acknowledge it, you have to choose to vibrate higher. You have to choose. And I truly believe you can only do that if you are getting loved up, if you feel love in yourself. But if you feel fear, you're going to resonate at that vibration of fear. And you're going to be like, yeah, I'm scared too. And yeah, what are we going to do? But as soon as you realize that, okay, fear is not the end. Love is, you ask yourself.

how can I go just one step up? I'm not saying you got to go to fear and doom and gloom to like overexceeding joy. Like that's not realistic. But how, what can I do today to give me hope? And for me, it was just first cutting off the news. And then it was like, okay, what can I do? It's like, okay, I can do Instagram live sound here. So I think if we ask ourselves and even when we're in those groups of negativity,

what can I do to uplift this group? What can I do to uplift my family? What can I do to uplift? My partner is like, oh, they're not feeling well. You know, sometimes just ask them, how can I support you? You know, but sometimes if we go into it with them, then we get muddy. We're going into the mud with them instead of bringing them out saying, like, can I give you a stick and pull you out? Instead of doing that, we go in there and then we're all muddy.

And then sometimes you get so heavy in the mud that you're stuck and you can't get out. Now someone has to come pull you out, right? Right. So the point is not to get so coded. in the mud of life that we can't come out. And when we see someone else in the mud, help them by shining a light on like, hey, you know, what can I do to support? You're not alone.

And that's where community comes in. And that's saying, like, look, we're not alone in this. We're all experiencing this. And I truly believe if one person is feeling anguish, sadness, anywhere we're all experiencing. I really believe in oneness and that we're all connected. And when we start to care more about our fellow human being, especially with the ones that don't look like us, think like us, sound like us, the more that we're going to start to heal humanity. But it's going to take all of us making that choice every single day.

I feel like every time you talk, I feel like I need a mic drop. I'm like, yes, that's it. So there's a law in physics called the law of entropy. And I've used it a lot in my office with my staff because the law says, that you will always go down to the, you will always vibrate down to the lowest frequency. So whatever the lowest frequency is, you are going to naturally bring your frequency down to that. And it's going to take a lot of effort to pull that lowest person up. So do you, do you think there's ever a time where you could look around your friend group,

you could look around at the people you're surrounding yourself with and just say, this is not bringing me to my highest place and I need to maybe pause this relationship, even if it's a friend or a roommate or people around you and say, I can't move to a higher vibration as long as I'm around this energy of people. Is there a time and place to make that shift? 100%. There is. And I feel like it needs to be done with a lot of compassion.

I think the first most important thing, when you feel that way is communication. Because a lot of people, they don't know. Like, we all have problems and we all want to share those problems with our friends and our family and our partner. So if you feel like someone is dumping on you, you know, or just like negative all the time, you know, the first number one thing I say just have compassion. Know that like this person is not trying to like bring you down on purpose.

They're just going through some things. But if you had enough because you don't want to vibrate it to be crazy, the first thing you should do is communicate. So I had an instance when it's like, you know, I'm an entrepreneur. and all these groups are entrepreneur women. And so we're always talking about business and collaboration. But I was at a point after a year of porn so much, I just needed sisterhood.

I just want to look together and play together and talk together. And I was like, I'm so exhausted with talking about business. I mean, at the end of the day, business is going to be good because we're serving our community, right? Yeah. And so I was just so exhausted with collaboration and business talk. And I was just at my limit. And I knew that I wanted to have these friends.

but I also knew that my tolerance for business talk was zero. Like, I mean, maybe one, maybe one out of ten, right? I, you know, I have a conversation then because, but I communicate with them. I was like, y'all, I am in such a tender place right now, and I really need to know that I'm cared about beyond my business savvy and beyond my thoughts about expansion and growth and money. Like, I want to know that you love me as a one. as a sister. And I want to know that we can make food together and that we can go out and just have a

fun time. Because at the end of the day, you know, that's what really matter. Those are the moments that really matters. It's like, you know, like, how are you hurting and what are you going through? And I think sometimes and, you know, we can get so caught up and growth and we can get so caught up and like, you know, finances or we can get so caught up that we forget that like, you know, we're just human beings and we just want to be, be nurtured when we just want to be loved. And so I think the first step is just communicate. So I communicate with these women. They're like, oh, my goodness, thank you so much.

And, you know, we get it and we totally understand. But understand. Just communicating, it might not happen to first because I said it. I literally had to set it about three more. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I'm just going to be honest, right? I had to say it about three more times where it really to land.

And I have to stand in my power with it too. Because if you're in a group and it's like, but y'all, we always do this. This is what we do. This is who we are. This is how we identify. Right. Really have to stand in your power. And at the end of the day, you have to personally decide like, okay, if I'm in this

group and they just want to do something else, then that's when you have to decide, okay, when should I just say, okay, this is not an alignment with me right now. so I'm going to step to the left. So it's just a personal decision. But I think most of all, it's just not to assume that people are trying to hurt you or they're not listening. Just know that you really have to communicate. And if you're asking people to do something that is really out of line with who they truly are and how they normally function with you, like Oprah said, like people, you teach people how to treat you. And so up until now, you've taught them, we can talk about business all the time. And I'm always about business and expansion. And now you're

you're talking about me like, I just want to hug. Like, that's different. And you've taught them something different. So if they value you, you know, like I said, it might not happen right away because now you have to teach them, like, I want to engage with you in a different way. And this goes with relationships too. If y'all always argue and make up and argue and make up and argue and make up and you're like, I don't want to argue.

And they're like, what? And even though it sounds like realistic to you, that's not how y'all have been trained. So it might take some therapy to say, okay, instead of arguing, we're going to, when we're calm, when we start to argue, we're going to pause, then we're going to write down how we feel, and then we're going to come out and we're going to and we're going to decide together how we're going to, that's a whole different way of communication. Absolutely.

You're in a partnership, even though you say that and it makes sense to me and you, if y'all haven't been doing that for months or years, no, you have to have patience in order for new things. And, you know, we always talk about it takes 21 days. to start a new habit. So you really have to give people time and have a level of compassion, especially if you care about the relationship, there has to be at least 21 days of just like teaching someone to treat you differently or even if you're within a group, like, okay, let's try this new thing and let's see how we like it because it does take time. And I think if we have,

we're in council culture and people are really quick like, they didn't say what I wanted to say. They didn't do what we wanted to do. Oh, God. Yeah. You know what, people are human. And expect everyone to say or do or think perfectly like you think you unique human being, then that's just not real. So I think we have to communicate more. We have to have more compassion. And then we have to give people time to make those changes if we do value the relationship. So just so I love that.

And I want to make sure everybody hears that because I really am a big fan or a proponent of what you complain about you bring about. And when we're in groups where the complaining continues, you continue to bring more things to complain about. So when you are around people that are just in a negative spiral, to use your business example, it would be a good communication step to say, you know what, I got to think about something's joyful right now. Like, let's change the conversation. Let's think on something else. I just can't keep complaining about this. It's not making me feel good. Would that be a next level of communication as opposed to, you know, going home and being like,

Susie was, you know, I went out to lunch with Susie and all she does bitch about blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to unfriend her on Facebook now. Like a more compassionate way would be like, Susie, like, I got to go to joy now. I can't do. I can't keep complaining. Would that be a more mature form of communication? I would say that would be a start. I would go about it in a different way because I feel like, you know, she just turned into Susie when she went home.

Again, she was complaining. Yeah, right. Well, but that's what happens is we are complaining about what we didn't like. Exactly. So that's what happened. So, but when we don't perpetuate the fear, the fear that if I don't tell Susie how I feel, then I'm not going to be happy, right? And so I believe that if you, so in my book I talk about changing limiting beliefs to liberating. affirmations. And so I would ask myself, like, how can I change this? Like, if she doesn't do this,

then we can't be friends? How can I change it to something more liberating? Like, if I introduce her into a new way to talk about our problems, maybe we can build our friendship, you know? And so for me, instead of saying, I can't hear complaining, because when you say something negative about something, normally they're going to respond in a very defensive way, because they're like, wait, Like we all complain. Like we all have a point where we are wanting to share, especially with our friends, exactly how we feel. We want to be real, right?

Yep. So I feel like you have to, you know, be very compassionate if you feel like you want to make this shift. And I do feel like the shift is needed. So I would say just introducing like, hey, you know, there's so much going on right now. And I'm finding myself in anxiety. And like, and every time we talk, I get even more. anxiety. So I feel like bringing it back to telling someone how you feel. Oh, I love that. Being in judgment with how they're showing up will help them have more compassion to you.

Because again, your state, we can't put it on people outside of us. We have to own our feelings. And so if we own our feelings and say, okay, and share how we feel. Like, I feel anxiety and I want to see if we can communicate differently so I can lower my levels of anxiety. Then Susie can have compassion for her friend and say, you know what? I feel you. I have anxiety when I talk about it too. So what do you think? I love that. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Because that way it's not in judgment on Susie. And it's also giving you what you need and want, which is just like just slowing the arguments down or slowing the, slowing down the anger and just coming from a place of compassion. Like, okay, let's talk about like our three biggest things that frustrate us right now. And then maybe you just do a writing

exercises together. And then, okay, now how are we going to, like I said, in my book, I changed the limiting beliefs to liberating affirmations. So how can be something more liberal? Like, okay, this job is pissing you off. So what can you do to shift it? Should you leave? Should you tell your boss how you feel? And you can go through it in a way where it's not just 30 minutes of like chewing someone out, or 30 minutes we're talking about the government, a 30 minutes of talking about your partner. It's actually a productive time of like, okay, we're going to spend. one minute talking about the problem and then one minute talking about the solution. Yeah, I love that. That was definitely a better approach than why.

So let's talk about self-love. I, you know, we deal with a lot of people in my clinic and in my online world that are really unhealthy. We deal a lot with people that are physically struggling. And what I find is that at the root of that is a lack of self-love. Is self-love something that we, are born with and gets like we we unlearn or it gets beaten out of us somehow. Like I would, you know, you look at a baby, they just have self-love. But then by the time you compare that to a teenager and there's there can often be a lack of self-love, how can, how can we look at the younger generation and like raise a more loving human and really help people tap back into loving themselves?

That's such a good question. And let's go back to your, your. example of a baby. And you ask yourself, is a baby experiencing self-love? Or is a baby being cared for and nurtured? Because I haven't had any kids. But from what I see from my 11 nieces and nephews, like in those first years, the mom and dad are, you know, one of a parent is nurturing that baby. They're waking up when they're sleep. They're giving a breast or bottle when they're hungry. Like, they are fully supported and taken care of. Yeah. And so to that, I would say we go back to our spiritual energy centers, that sense of safety and security, once that leaves, it's hard to have self-love because we're not knowing how to take care of ourselves. And so what happens at a young age is that there comes a point when it's just like, okay, I'm not caring for you anymore. You need to figure this out for yourself. And if the right tools aren't put into place,

which is especially in communities where it's hard. It's like you don't even have the tools to take care of yourself. That's when the fear starts setting it. Right. Like, oh my goodness. Like, I'm not going to be okay because I don't know how to do this. And I don't have the resources that I need. I don't have the money that I need.

I don't have the support that I need. And like, everything's gone. And so from a young age and, you know, I just read Oprah's book, What Happened to You? And it talks about how trauma can start from a young age. And if a person experienced a certain amount of trauma when, you know, before that age of six, then throughout their life, they're going to have to be working on nurturing that and realizing

and finding a sense of safety and security. And if you don't have a sense of safety and security, you're not going to feel fully expressed. You're not going to feel like you can stand in your power. You're not going to feel like you can give and receive love. There's always going to be a fear if I'm not safe. And so what happened in this last year is like our sense of safety was sluble. sliced out from underneath us. And so together, we all had to figure it out. And so if we can understand that everyone is always trying to feel safe, then we can start to understand, like,

that's the biggest fear. And so how can we feel safe in ourselves and how can we make others feel safe? And usually that's with communication. I think communication like how we're talking about now, you know, sharing ideas, sharing different ways of thinking, and saying, oh, how does that filled in my heart, right? And so the more that we do that, the more we start to create safety, create understanding, and then we come back to that, that space when we felt loved, and that's when we're supported, we're safe, and we're nurtured. And that comes through community and conversation. And so when I look at myself in the mirror and I judge myself and I, and I, and I, you know, think thoughts that are not kind to myself, is that comes from feeling less safe,

less secure? And is there a way we can in that moment, like, catch ourselves and go, okay, stop. I don't want to treat myself like this anymore. I don't want to talk to myself like this anymore. And do you have a tool when you're aware of that self-talk that's so damaging to our own souls. Is there a tool for us to repattern that? Yes, that is a great question. When, especially when we're looking at our body, like we have to believe that and we have to know that we are not our human shell. Like we are the soul that lives within because if you get caught up on the outside, I mean, we're all going to age. We're all going to eventually leave this body. And, you know, it's one thing to not have like a,

a defect, like a physical defect to where that's even harder to work with. But you have to realize that you are beyond how your face looks, how your nose look, how your lips look, like any of that, you have to be on. You are who you are on a soul level. Like, are you vibrating love? And no matter what you look like, can you realize you are beyond your physical appearance? And I feel like that's really where you got to go because we all are going to look in the mirror sometime and be like, my face this, my booty that, you know, I'm not looking as young as I

used to, my boobs are sagging a little bit more, my booty fell on my thigh, you know, we're going to have that as we start to age and we got to realize that that does not, that does not have anything to do with how much we resonate in love and that it has nothing to do with our worth. And so first we have to understand that because we see all the magazine and all the media, whether it's been tucked and cut and things like that. we still look at that as valuable. He has to realize our value is not in our appearance. Our value is how much we can share, give, and receive love.

That is our value. And so when you look in yourself in the mirror and you're telling yourself, you're like, no what? No one's going to love harder than me today. No one is, you know, and smile at every person you meet. And I tell people when you get down on yourself, just I like to pour into others. When I'm not about myself, when I point somebody else, that really makes me realize, a girl, it's not about how sad you feel.

And, you know, you got a pimple today. Your face broke out, you know, but guess what? Even with that broke out face, you can go spend time and talk to the homeless. Look and talk to someone who literally can't even hear, you know. And I feel like once you start to realize it's not about this superficial external, it gives you more hope and willingness to realize I am not my feelings. physical appearance. So that's what I think about when I started to get down. I'm like, girl, you are way more value beyond the physical. Yeah. You know, I do this very similar thing.

When I go into stress and anxiety, I remind myself, oh, you're thinking about yourself again. You're analyzing yourself again. And the quickest way out is to serve others, to do something nice for others. And the minute you do that, all the suffering in your brain like goes away in an instant. I've taught my kids. I have a 21-year-old and an almost 19-year-old, and I really have pounded into them that life is not about what you get. It's about what you're, how you're showing up and contributing to the world. And the minute you go into get mode, the minute you go into me mode, that's where the suffering begins. Would you, would you agree? Yeah, I think that when you are too overly concerned with your outward appearance, it's only going to bring you down. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, our outward appearance, it is fleeting. It won't be forever. But when you focus on what impact am I making, you know, so focusing on the internal versus

the external, that's where the love is lasting. That's where you're leaving your legacy. Like, what is your legacy? Think about your legacy. You know, because like I said, it's so easy to get caught up on the external. And I know it matters. And I know we can acknowledge it. Like, you know, I'm not feeling so.

good today. I'm not looking so good today. But whether you're feeling or looking good, you could still be a blessing. And sometimes that blessing might be, I just need to rest so I could show up better tomorrow. Sometimes that blessing might be, I need to go out and just do something to give to someone else. So whatever you decide that is, just know that, one, you don't got to be on every single day. And then two, when you're not feeling your best, you can still be a blessing to the world. And I think that really does help me when I'm not feeling my best. Just change it around. Yeah. I love that. I love that. that. Well, I've got to tell you, I could talk to you for hours. This is so I just, I love the depth of a conversation like this. And I really hope I, you probably move through the world in these kind of

conversations, because that's who you are. I can tell. But I want the world to go deeper in the way we, we care for each other. I want the world to go deeper in the way we talk to each other. And so I just thank you for allowing me to pick your brain and bringing this to a more heart-based communication that I hope everybody gleams something from. I have five questions for you, like rapid fire questions. And before I go through them, how can people find you where and you have a great book that's out? Talk a little bit about your book and where people can tap into you.

Thank you so much. Well, it's just been an honor to be on your podcast. And you can find me at coiaweb.com. And you can find my company at get loved up.com. And our mantra is love yourself. love others and love the world in that order. Because when you focus on self-love and you feel whole and complete, you're going to love others better.

You're going to be a better human to the planet. And then my book is Let Your Fears Make You Fierce, How to Turn Common Obstacles, and to Seeds for Growth. So it's not like about not having problems, but when you do have the problems, go through the steps that I share in the book and use the tools that I share in the book to help get you plant that fear, plant that anger, plant that worry, that doubt, that comparison, and then grow something beautiful that's grown in love and compassion. So yeah, I'm excited to answer your questions and, you know, share more with people. Yeah, and I'll leave all your links and the notes and

everything. Okay, here are my five questions. We are creating a book club for all of all the guests we've had on here. So what is, what is that one or two books that you picked up in your life? and it transformed you and changed you and you just want everybody to read it. Oh, my goodness. I just picked up Oprah Murphy's book, What Happened to You. I got halfway through and I bought six copies. So that was just my most recent purchase that I think everyone should pick up and read. It's about trauma.

And I feel like it can be very impactful right now. And I also love the book, The Body Keeps Score. Oh, I love that book. It's just really good and it really helps you understand. understand how we want to process or plan. We don't want to just stuff it and pretend like it's not there. We don't have to be positive poly all the time and pretend like, you know, nothing negative has happened.

We want to acknowledge it and we want to process it so that it doesn't live in our body. And it also will help you as you're going through my book. Let your fears Make You Furious Understand that and go and unpack those areas that you might have stuffed. I'm like, yeah, I don't want to deal with that. I'm going to close my eyes and pretend like that's not happening so that can help you with that. And then the last book is a kind of thick one. but it really helped me get down to like these two blanket emotions of fear and love. And that is the course of miracles.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a really good one. You can get a study group with it. But it really does help you take responsibility for your emotions and realize, okay, am I vibrating closer to fear or closer to love? And when you find yourself, it's fear. Look at that fear as feedback is what I've learned to get me closer and closer to love. So those are the three books that I would recommend.

Love it. Those were good. Okay, if you could go back and talk to your 20-year-old self and give her some advice, what would you say to her? Don't be afraid to live full out. Oh, I love that. Okay. And if there was one thing we could get the human race to do right now so that we could move from fear to love, if there was like one thought, one activity, that we could get every human on this planet doing, what do you think that would be? I mean, I was going to say unconditional love, you know, because love, a lot of times you based it on condition.

And I feel like compassion. Yes. If we have compassion, then we will have unconditional love. If we realize that everyone's doing the best that they can. And if they're not, then something is wrong with them. They're experiencing some kind of trauma that has them in this fear state. So that compassion, if everyone had compassion, if everyone had compassion, then I think we would have the conversation so we can start to heal ourselves.

Yeah, I love that. I think that is so missing, especially in a cancel culture, right? Is that, yeah, I don't like you. You're out. But if we understood that we can all be different and still love each other, that's incredible. What's the one daily habit? You talk a lot about yoga, meditation, and sound healing. What is like one daily habit that you're like, do every day to ground yourself and

make yourself feel whole that you will never give up? I will never give up breathworth. You know, breath is spirit. We have it when we enter this human experience and we don't need it anymore when we leave. So learning how to use the breath, whether you want to need to be energized, you breathe faster. You do the breath of fire and that will get you into your sympathetic and, you know, get you ready to take on and seize the day. or if you need to de-stress and calm down, you can use the breath to pull you into your parasympathetic

nervous system so you can rest and digest and be calm, which is what most of us need because most of us are amped up at the end of the day. So you can use the breath. And the breath is our free tool that we get to help us get through this human experience. And I think a lot of people don't realize how powerful it is and helping keep us at a more balanced state. Do you have a type of breath work that you follow? So I specifically, I'm a certified, I'm a certified breathwork facilitator. So I use a holentropic breath and the holograph breath is really good for trauma. But, you know, when I first learned yoga, my favorite breath was a three-part breath. And that's the simpler breath. And so you just inhale for five, hole for five seconds and then exhale for five seconds. So and then hold and then

and that really does get you into that parasympathetic state. I love that. I interviewed a guy. who developed the soma breathing. Have you heard a soma breathing? It's a little bit like Wimha where you inhale and exhale and then you hold. And he got me doing breathwork with my meditation in the morning. And I would agree, it's really profound. And there's, it's like there's a whole bunch of different styles. So that's why I was curious. There are so many different styles of breathwork and people always have, what's the best style of breathwork? And my best style is the one you do every day. So pull through three or four of them, pick your favorite one. do it every day, you know. But yeah, I do the Holentropic breath every day. And I do the three-part breath.

Those ones I do every single day. And I do breath of fire, which is, you know, I do a very deep one a couple times a week. And so, but if you find like even the simplest one, it's going to regulate your nervous system. So I think every single person should be practicing breathwork daily. That's excellent answer. Okay. Last question. If you had one message, you could get into everybody's brain on the planet. Just one key message about life, what would it be? You are love. Always vibrate at that frequency. Hey, resetters, I just want to start off by saying thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews and those of you that have left me comments on iTunes. I just greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness and how much you guys are enjoying these episodes. And it, and it, and it,

It seems like you're enjoying them as much as I am enjoying doing them. One of the things that I've learned in just interacting with so many people is that we've really lost the art of deep conversations. And for me, the Resetter podcast stands for having meaningful conversations with people who are thinking about health, about life, about mindset in a way that we may not be getting on social media or in mainstream media. and so I just want to say, give you guys a shout out and just say thank you for participating in this process with me. Because as much as I absolutely love delivering the information to you, I love even more knowing that it's impacting your life.

So please let us know if there's anything we can do to make this podcast more customized to you, to make it better. We are now officially in season two and we are working to bring you the best conversations that health and influencers have, that mindset changers can give and to really deliver you something that you're not able to get anywhere else. So from the bottom of my heart, as I always say my YouTube, from the bottom of my heart, I am deeply appreciative of you. I am deeply grateful to be on this journey with you and let's get healthy together.