Live Like a Girl with Dr. Mindy Pelz - The Power of Choosing Yourself – With Alex Elle

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

For full show notes, resources mentioned, and transcripts go to: www.drmindypelz.com/ep104/ To enroll in Dr. Mindy's Fasting membership go to: resetacademy.drmindypelz.com This episode is all about journaling as a form of self-expression and therapy. We also dive into what it means to be selfish and self-centered and how that differs from self-care.  Alexandra Elle is an author & self-care facilitator living in the Washington, DC metro area with her husband and children. Writing came into her life by way of therapy and the exploration of healing through journaling. Quarterly, Alex teaches workshops and retreats centered around assisting others in finding their voices through storytelling, poetry, and narrative writing rooted in truth without shame. Her mission is to build community & self-care practices through literature & language. She is currently an author at Chronicle Books. Alex is the author of multiple books and journals, most recently After the Rain, Neon Soul, and Today I Affirm: A Journal That Nurtures Self-Care. She also hosts the hey, girl. podcast. Please see our medical disclaimer. 

I think going back to that question, like, who am I? What do I want and what do I need? Talk yourself through those questions. Everything else is secondary. You are your own inner expert. You are your own greatest teacher. And your answers will come to the surface if you get curious enough and quiet enough to hear what you're trying to say. Resetters, Dr. Mindy here. And I am on a mission to teach you just how powerful your body was built to be. This podcast, is about giving you the power back and helping you believe in yourself again. Let's jump in. On this episode of the Resenter podcast, I bring you Alex L. Now, this is one deep conversation. So let me tell you a little bit about Alex. She is an author and not only has she written several

books, but she uses writing as a form of therapy and self-discovery. And what attracted me to Alex's message is that she's very clear about where self-care fits into her life, despite having a very prolific writing practice, online business, two children, a husband, a very typical rushing woman. This woman has got her self-care, her boundaries, her nurturing down. And that fascinated me. So I wanted to talk to Alex about several things. One, I wanted to hear her ideas around journaling as a form of self-expression and therapy. So we talk a lot about gratitude, gratitude journals.

We talk about the art of journaling where it fits into our self-care practices. We also dove into, and this is the part of the conversation that blew me away, was we dove into what it means to be selfish, self-centered, and how does that different from self-care? That was a burning question in my mind. And I've never had anybody explain to me so clearly the difference between those three things. So if you are a rushing woman like I am,

if you're looking for how to set up better boundaries for yourself so that all your relationships can thrive. If you're looking to have a better self-care practice, what you're going to hear with Alex will absolutely blow you away. It literally changed the way that I look at my self-care practice, and I'm so grateful for this really deep connection with Alex and excited to present this conversation to you guys so you too can learn from her incredible wisdom.

So Alex L, enjoy. You know what? Here's a conversation I just, I haven't had with anybody and I think you're the right person to have it with. And that is that I've been really witnessing a trend in women where if you look at women like my mom's age, so my mom is 82, she was a 50s woman. And the 50s woman was basically taught, you know, you. you find a good man, you raise good children, you love being at home and supporting your family.

And one of the messages that she gave me was, I was born in 69, she gave me the message that you're a woman, you can do anything you want to do. Like, you can have it all, you can do it all. Which was a really awesome message. But then I think my generation was very focused on I can do work and I can do family. And I want to tell you, there are many times my kids are 21 and 19 that I've been like, that is, I don't want to do both of those things. That's a lot of work. And then I look at my 21 year old daughter and her generation is like, I don't know if I want a family. I don't know if I want to do work the way that my mom's done work. There's a different morphine that's happening.

So I really want to start the discussion with. And I, and you're in how old are you? you, you're in your 30s? I'm 32. Yeah. So you're in like that generation between me and my daughter. So what is it that is emerging right now in women? Are you seeing a new form of us living a unique life that's not as cookie cutter as maybe my mom had or as as grit-oriented and overworking as I've been taught? Is there something new emerging for women? I think the shift that's happening is this notion of self-chewing and self-advocacy and really connecting with what we want and what we need, right? And so I'm a mother of three. I'm a wife. I'm a business owner. I'm a teacher. I'm all these things. And still, I have to remember to prioritize myself and to choose myself. And so when I show up in my relationship, in my friendships, in my work, as a mother, I'm full, right? So I think that

That's really how we are, you know, just riding the wave. It's like leaning into what self-chusing means. What does it mean to choose myself so that when I show up in my work, in my household, in my relationships, that I'm not showing up empty, that I'm not dry, right? That I am full and overflowing so that those around me can reap the benefits of that abundance. So I know a lot of my clients say, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm. I want in need. And I want to choose myself.

And I think that that's kind of where we are right now, which is extremely beautiful as I look at it. So, and I love that. And I'm going to tell you that as a 52-year-old woman, I was never modeled that part. I wasn't taught that part. So when I hear your words, my brain says, like, I almost get Terry about it. Like, what does it mean to choose myself? What does it mean? What does that? I've talked to a lot of women my age that, you know, our kids are launching from the home or empty nesters. And they don't even know who they are. So how do you go down that path of discovery to even find out who you are and what you want? Those are two huge questions that a lot of women don't know. And I think we don't know because we're not asking ourselves. Right. So we're often expecting other people to ask us. Well, Alex, what do you want and what do you need?

I didn't start finding out those answers until I started asking myself. And my mom is 57 and she is just now really tapping into trying to figure out who she is. I'm her only child, you know. And so she often says that she looks to me to figure out, you know, not to figure out, but for a nudge to lean in closer to herself. Just even by asking her these questions, you know, and encouraging her to ask her, self those questions. It's simple. What do you want and what do you need? And answering those questions, honestly, as a writer, I take my words to my page, right? I literally put those questions down on the page. And for those folks who are like, I don't journal, I don't write, that's not my thing.

You can voice note to yourself and then listen to yourself, play it back, and then try to find clarity that way because I feel like the only way we're going to know our answers is if we ask those back to basics, but challenging questions to ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, you know, the writing, it's funny because for years I've had friends that journal. And here's what I'm just going to be really transparent. What I've said to my friends at journal is I'm like, I don't want all my thoughts to go on in a book and someday if I die, somebody's going to find those thoughts. And they're going to be like, whoa, did she really think that? And yet I'm an author. And as I am writing, it's such a vulnerable, intimate experience. And not like doing video, not even like doing

podcasts. Like when you sit, there's something about writing that is like opening your soul up. And it's made me look so, I look differently at authors. Now, I read books differently because you're really getting an intimate experience with an author. So how do we, if journaling, you know, is journaling the only, you talked about voice memo, you talked about asking right questions, but share a little bit. I know you have a process that you talk about where we can discover ourselves through writing. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Yeah. So as an author, a big goal of mine and what led me into, teaching, writing practice is that I want other women and other people to experience their healing in a way that feels accessible, right? And not just read, I don't want you to just read my books. I don't want you to just use my guided journals. I really want you to experience what it looks like and feels like to show up in your life on the page and also in a way that feels safe. Because I think a lot of us are kind of taught, like that we're not safe with ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. We're taught, you know, look outside for that validation. We're taught that

we have to live a certain way. We have to be a certain way. And then we lose our own inner voice. We don't even know how to pay attention to ourselves. And so for me, what I lead people through is guided writing practice. And it's not to rehash or to revisit every single time. It's to get clear. And being able to get clear is how we're able to explore, again, those once in needs. And also where we're lacking, where we need to do better at showing up for ourselves, where we want to do better. It's an exploration to the self. And I have people take my courses and come visit me on retreat who've never written before. I've had people who are seasoned journalists, but who are only used to kind of doing the morning pages, not necessarily sitting with a question

that's going to guide them. I've had 17-year-olds. I've had 77-year-olds. And everyone, Everyone's same, not question, but curiosity is, who am I? And I could ask the same question a thousand times and everyone's answer will be different, but will be aligned with the person next to them in some way. And I just find that that's what's special about writing is that it brings us together, not only to our communities, but closer to ourselves. And what's the difference between sitting down with yourself and writing and trying to work through emotions, work through questions, and calling a friend

and saying, hey, I've got this situation going on and verbally processing with a friend. Is there a difference? I think you can do both. But I also think we need to get better at being friends with ourselves. Yeah. Like, that's the invitation. Yeah. Yeah.

And I love that. And I, one thing I learned last year from my podcast and just interoperative. reviewing some amazing women is that there is a difference between venting and complaining. And I think what I'm hearing you say is there's also discovering. And so we've got to find ways when we are trying to process the stuff going through our minds to be positive. Positive is not the right word. To be constructive about how we go into the self-discovery.

because do you feel like maybe not in your sphere, but I feel like as women, one of the things that we have done that is not serving us individually is bitch with each other. And I feel like there's a better conversation that women can have together to unite but also discover each other or ourselves. So is there a difference between the way we verbally process with a friend, the way we write? Is there any harm in bitching with our best friend? I think there's space for it all. But I think I think what we should really be looking at is the relationship that we have with ourselves. And that's what writing practice helps us do. I use writing as a meditation practice. And it's interesting what I find out about myself, good and challenging or good and not so good. Through the years of doing this is always something new to learn. And I think that writing, as this, not only this healing modality, but this offering of self-reflection, it scares, it scares people. Yeah. Yeah. It does. And I don't blame them. It's scary as hell. Like I don't want to sit and be with my thoughts and then, damn, see them on the page? Yes. Thank you. Yes. That's why I know what the book left so that when I die, my family goes and goes, oh my God, she really thought that. So here's something. I feel that. I hear that a lot. And I actually have worked with a lot of women in your age group who say that that's why they have not

put pen to paper. But something that's really special that happened about two years ago, this woman who was in her late 50s, she said she had a trunk of journals and she was ready to leave that part of her behind. And so what she did, she had been journaling for years and years, but it was all kind of journaling her trauma, journaling her pain. Not necessarily. necessarily looking to experience the joy, you know, or that inner reflection in a way that was kind of neutral, right? So she took that trunk of journals. She said she had like 50 journals and she did a ceremony around them and she burned them. Wow. I was just like, that's amazing. Number one. That is amazing. It's still. And there wasn't this feeling of like

loss that she said she once had. And that's why she was holding them. She's like, I don't want to lose this. I don't want to grieve this. I'm not ready to do that yet. And when she was ready, she burned those journals and she started a new writing practice. And maybe she'll burn those. You know, you never know. But having that experience of, okay, here's what I want and need today. And this is what I went through in the past. And I don't have to carry that emotional baggage with me forever. Amazing. And so, you know, what do you do if you start writing and then all of a sudden, I've seen this with women my age as well. All of a sudden you get to this point where you're like, oh my gosh, this life I'm living in wasn't what I had set out to do. And I'm, I have like,

you know, again, a lot of my friends whose kids are growing up, they're getting divorced, they're moving on into new worlds and they're finding a whole other version of themselves. And, you know, that's a really scary place to be when you dive into what do I want, who am I? and you realize that what you're living is not, those two things don't sync up. Or you have no idea. Or you have no idea. Who you are. Yeah, you've completely lost.

Mothers do that. I mean, that's so much of the struggle I found even as a mother is like, oh my God, you just give so much to these little beings. And there's moments where you forget, you know, to give to yourself. I mean, I even just recently, my daughter's 21, and there was something, it was something around something as simple as dinner. So she's moved back home. She's in a transition period. And I was thinking to myself, oh, I should make sure that there's dinner ready for her.

And then I stopped myself. She's 21. I just want to point that out. And I was like, no, I don't. I don't even really need. She's totally, she's got her own job. She got her boyfriend. Like she's got her own gig going.

I can be selfish. What if I don't make dinner? What if I just make food I want? And it was like this that like happened in my mind of like, oh my God. So for the next 24 hours, I walked around and I'm like, damn, this is the selfish time for me. My kids don't need me. My husband's self-sufficient. Like, man, what does that look like? So I think I'm not alone. I think there are a lot of women that are starting to get a little taste of what it means to be self-centered. So what's the difference between being self-centered and self-nurturing? That's a really good question. I don't think I have the answer to that. And the reason why I don't have the answer to that is I feel like everyone's process is so different, right? And, you know, hearing self-centered, it can come off as kind of like this negative thing.

I don't think so. I think that we can explore what it looks like to put ourselves first and nurture and nourish ourselves and all of that can kind of hang under one umbrella. I actually just released a video on my YouTube channel about nourishment and self-nourishment. There's a meditation to match it. And it's really asking folks to look at what they need, to look at what's on their plate. How are they feeding themselves? I mentioned that as a mother of three and as a wife, I always eat.

last. If I cook, everyone else gets a plate first, I'm either standing and eating last or I don't eat, right? And so, and not because I'm, you know, intentionally not eating. Normally after I'm just tired and I'm just like, I'll eat my plate when everybody goes to bed, right? And so it's like, how do I, what does it look like to center myself, not just in the literal sense, but in the spiritual sense and in the coming home to myself sense. And I think every woman should be asking herself that question from as early as they can. We teach, we teach women and girls to shrink themselves. We teach, you know, our girls to head down and you carry the worlds on your, on your back. I mean, I'm a black female. So that has even another layer when it comes to

generational trauma and ancestral trauma, right? So it's like, what does it look like to center yourself. And I think that there is nothing wrong with exploring that. You can center yourself. You can nurture yourself and you can nourish yourself. And I think that that needs to be a little bit more normalized, especially when it comes to trying to find out the root of who we are and who we want to be. You just totally redefined self-centered for me. Like literally, I'm like, oh, self-centered doesn't mean you don't care about everybody else. Self-centered. You don't means you're grounding your center first so you can turn around and be present with everybody else. Yes.

That was profound. Okay. You just changed my world. So thank you, Alex. I appreciate that. So, okay, so that leads me to the next question that I've had with a lot of women. What does self-care look like on a day-to-day basis? One of my favorites.

Yeah. So please tell. I want to know from like your perspective of what you do for your. yourself, but I also want to know the language in your teaching your daughters around self-care, because that's another big hole that I know I'm missing in my own life. Yeah. So self-care is, I have a tricky relationship with that phrase because it's so commodified now. So what I've actually been saying is like self-nurturing.

But I do think there is space for self-care when it's not a different. attach to like go buy those jeans. Like that's your self care. Right. Right. You know, I could talk about that forever. I won't. That's retail. That's retail therapy. But I don't think it's self care. But if you look at the messaging that we get, that is self care. Right. And so when I look at self-care or self-nurturing, I look at it as an act of community care. So I often say to my students and to my daughters, self-care is an act of community care. And what does that mean? In order for us to be full and present and intentional. We must take care of ourselves. To me, in the pandemic, that has looked like getting back to basics. Am I drinking water? Am I brushing my teeth in the morning?

Am I putting pants on? Am I getting dressed? And truly, like, those back to basic things have shifted how I show up during the day. There was a time in the pandemic where, well, I mean, we're still in the pandemic, but when we were in 2020, I was so busy serving my community and teaching and trying to figure out how I could make other people feel their best self that I completely put myself at the bottom of my list. And I had an anxiety attack and I was severely depressed. I started pulling my hair out. I have a hair pulling disorder. And I haven't pulled my hair since I was in my early 20s. And I had pulled a quarter size bald spot in my hair, which is why I shaved it because it's like, I need to get back to, I need to get back to presence. And what that looks like for me is literally,

am I eating, am I going for my daily walks, am I honoring my 16-8 fasting, am I having enough water, am I, you know, locking the bathroom door when I go and get ready in the morning. So my three-year-old is it you know, like those little. Am I peeing by myself? Yes. Am I peeing by myself? Yes. Am I peeing by myself. And so I think reframing what self-nurturing and self-care looks like is extremely important, especially in womanhood, especially for those of us who are caretakers, whatever, in whatever capacity. And so how I explain to my daughters is like, if you're empty, you can't fill others up with love. And I know that people say, I know that people say, you know, I know that people don't like when folks say that you can't love others unless you love yourself. And I know that people may not

agree with me on this, but I totally believe that. I don't want to get, I don't want to hate myself and try to love somebody else. Yeah. I don't get my wits end and try to, it's not intentional love. It's not intentional presence. It's not intentional care. Yeah. In order for us to show up in our communities, I am a big believer. And we have to show up for ourselves. We have to. We have to. We have to. And it doesn't have to look like a massage. It doesn't have to look like an expensive purchase. It doesn't have to look like a latte from your favorite cafe. It can literally look like being still for five minutes. It can look like drinking your lemon water or taking your probiotics or whatever. And those are self-care things for me. Yeah. And so I could go on and on, but that's kind of the root of it.

Yeah. And you know, when we started this conversation, this is one of the things I love about fasting. And congrats on your 16-8 fasting. That's awesome. Thank you. Yeah, I made my little fasting heart flutter. I is that when you take food out of the equation, you're left with yourself and you're left with your thoughts. And if you want to understand your relationship to food, start fasting. Because all the little things that where you soothed yourself with food, all the places

that you got a dopamine rush with food, you're just left with you. your mind and your body. And I've learned so much about myself in that process. So I'm thinking, well, gosh, with self-care, we could apply the same thing where as you start to make a stand for, whether it's your health or your time, things might show up. And one of the things that I think just in conversation with a lot of women, my age, is that we get a lot of joy in serving others. We get a lot of validation in helping others. So if all of a sudden we're going to go from a perspective of turning, looking out and helping others to feel good and we got to look within there. It may be like when you go from six meals a day of eating to 168 fasting, there may be a tough moment.

Have you seen that with women and how do we navigate that? Oh, my goodness. I've seen that. And I mean, even with myself, and I'm really glad that you brought that up because I've been fasting for consistently for about two years. And on the days that I need to feel closer to myself, I will do a longer fast. And so fasting as a meditation practice, as a mindfulness practice has allowed me to get closer to myself. And, you know, it's crazy.

Like when you start fasting, you want everybody around you to fast. Yes. It's so true. Thank you for saying that. Thank you. Because I thought it was just made. Like I have literally, you know, I have a couple fasting buddies who get me and get my passion.

Love it. Some folks who are like, I am not doing that or I cannot do that. But, you know, it's interesting when you have, when you have community to share that common interest. Like I know that if I'm doing a 20, a 20 hour fast with a four hour eating window, I know who I can text or call about that, especially when things get hard, right? And so looking inward is the gift of presence, whether you're fasting or not, right? I think there's so much joy in being a giver.

But there's a difference for me personally when it comes to giving and when it comes to overextending. So we need to be having these hard conversations with ourselves like, okay, do they need me to show up? Do they want me to show up? You know, like, or can I just take this time to connect with myself? And the reason why I'm saying that is because I have a mom whose gift is, acts of service, right? Like she loves to be able to, you know, cook a meal or watch the kids or fold

the laundry. And that's so, so beautiful. But I don't see her necessarily always serving herself at her own table. Right. And so there has to be a harmonizing there. And I've, and, you know, me, I've done the same thing. Like, okay, everyone else will eat first or everything else will get done and I'll get to Alex later. But getting to me later means that I'm not my best and intentional self. Right. You know? So.

Yep. Yeah. And then explain a little bit deeper. The other concept that I love that you talk about that I've wrestled with. I mean, I'm really just being fully transparent here is vulnerability. And again, being raised by a mom that was like, you are strong. If you have an opinion, you can say it. You are a woman.

You can do whatever you want. I was definitely given a message of empowerment. But what I wasn't given, and this is not a fault to my mom, what I wasn't given was you are powerful in your vulnerability. And I want you to dive in a little more to that because I think there's a way that I'm seeing. And again, I'm going to go down to your generation that I'm seeing that there's strength in your vulnerability that we didn't have in my generation, that we haven't been taught. Vulnerability is what brings people together. That is a, I believe that through and through. I'm vulnerable in my work, in my books, in the way I move through the world and the way I teach because people want to know that they're not alone.

And I do think I was called to be in the work that I'm in. And so I have this responsibility to be honest, not only about my stories, but about how hard it is sometimes. And to let people know that this life is not, when I say this life, I know that people look at me and say, wow, she has the family, she has the career, she has the books, she has all these things. But I have literally been also at the very bottom of my life. And so I think it's important that people with platforms, with audiences, share that this is not just this easy, breezy, experience. It's one that requires a daily practice. I tell my students all the time and the folks who read my books and all of the things in between, like, I am a work in practice. I have to practice this life. I have to practice not letting my anxiety get the best of me. I have to practice not letting my depression keep me in bed, you know? And so you are not alone in your struggles. And that's what vulnerability for me allows for. It is.

allows for that, you know, that connection, that community that I am with you. You know, I am out above you. I am with you. And I think that that is what brings people closer. And I think that that's why people feel safe when they're in spaces with me and others who are vulnerable. It's because we are with you. And I think that that's important. Absolutely. You know, I'm starting a podcast with Kat Graham. Do you know Kat Graham? She's an actress. I have heard that. And yeah, she was in vampire diaries and parent trap. And she's been on the cover of Vogue and Cosmopolitan.

And so we were doing one of our intro, we're doing a podcast together. In fact, you'd be amazing to bring on. It's called Women United. And we're trying to bring women together to talk about their stories a little bit. I know you've been doing a lot of this kind of work. But what was really struck me about Kat in several of the conversations I've had with her is she'll explain that when she goes to Instagram and sees other actresses doing other activities, she starts feeling horrible about herself.

And she's like, I have to get off Instagram. And so she's in her own self-discovery. Now, this is a woman who, if you look at her, she's beautiful. She has an amazing career. She has 7 million followers on Instagram. And it would be really easy to project. She's got it all together. And here she is saying she goes to her own Instagram and has a yucky feeling about herself in that

comparison. But the reason I say that is her story as she says it, I'm like, you give us all permission to when we are in that moment to have a, oh my gosh, this is just, this is not how I want to continue to show up because it will never, I'll never quench my satisfied brain. brain. Do you see like deep? I totally feel that. And it's the same thing. Do you know Angie Green?

She's a supermod. She was a supermodel and she also stepped out of this perfect world and said, here I am in all my messiness. And I told her the same thing. I was like when a supermodel does that. And so it gives us all a different bigger picture. And I'm going to say that I see a future for women where we're moving towards that and as a collective, but not in a sense of we're going to bitch with each other about this. We're just going to be real and authentic with each other.

Stop competing with each other. Stop trying to be like each other and just find a beautiful connection in our, you know, femininity. So do you, and again, this may be, this is me talking. from my 52-year-old self, do you see that already happening with women in your life, with the younger generation, with your daughters? Are we seeing more of a unification as opposed to a competition? Oh, yeah. I definitely see connection over competition. And I think that that's really, really, really valuable and necessary because that's what sisterhood is. I mean, I always say, we all we got, you know, with our sisterhood, with our stories. We all,

all, even if we are all different, we all have each other. And something that really kind of stands out to me is in the work that I do, I have just a plethora of cultural background, socioeconomic, gender identities, ages coming together to do their soul work. It doesn't matter what they look like, where they're from, what they've been through. They bring it all to the table. And I think that that is the messaging that is starting to catch on is like, we need connection. People need to feel connected, feel seen, feel safe, and feel supported. And I, and I know that that we have come a long way. And I think that it's only going to continue to bubble over into this beautiful experience of sisterhood. Yeah, I feel a little bit like I'm really excited to

watch the next couple of decades for women. Like we, this is why when I sat down to like think about this discussion I wanted to have with you, I was really tying together a lot of other discussions I've had with women over the last six months. And it's like there, it's like just like the pandemic did on so many levels that there's this breakdown of, um, of half twos and ways that we need to show up. Yet the new version of women hasn't completely emerged yet. So it's, I think, again, the work you're doing is amazing. and there are so many things we can learn from each other by just having conversations. My next thought is boundaries. I want to talk about boundaries a little bit because I know you're into that.

And that's another one I have been a little sloppy on, especially when it comes to the people I love. Talk a little bit about where we can do better with boundaries and how do we start to create boundaries when the people around us haven't been used to that. Oh, my goodness. So a dear friend of mine, her name is Nedra Tawab. She's like the boundary queen. Yes. And she said that boundaries, clear boundaries can save relationships.

And when I look at the boundaries in my life, the ones that I always come back to are the ones that I violate. So I think often look at boundaries as this external thing. we are giving to someone else. You honor my boundaries. You treat me like this. This is how I want to be treated, et cetera. That's important. But also, are we holding up our end of the boundaries? And for me, it's checking myself like, Alex, okay, you said you didn't want to do X, Y, and Z, but you just said yes to that. You may need to revisit the boundary that you set and then go back and give your true answer. Right. So it can be it can be really challenging, especially with people we love, hey, guys, I'm not coming to Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm going to my husband's family's house and not have the elders and the family just have a fit about that, right? It's okay if people have a fit. Maybe they, maybe those boundaries are hard for them to digest and that is okay. What boundary you set is where you need to follow. And I also think it's really important to note that boundaries are flexible. I had a friend tell me that she finds that boundaries have this. flexibility. Think of it as a circle. It can get smaller. It can get bigger. And barriers are the things that we can't permeate. We can't get through. We have a wall. And I noticed when I was doing some of

my deep healing work, I had barriers. I did not have boundaries. But then I had to revisit what I thought I knew about boundaries and what I thought I knew about myself and how I was honoring my word to myself. Give me an example of a barrier. Like, again, I love this, the, the difference of those two words. So barriers keep people out from from you. So you put them, so you put them up maybe because of emotional pain and you just, you're not like it's non-negotiable, whereas a boundary is more flexible. Is that what I hear you saying? That is exactly what you hear me saying. So an example here it could be, okay, you have a really challenging relationship with your mom, right? But you haven't had a chance to, you haven't had the capacity to sit down and have a hard conversation with her. So instead,

you're like, I'm just not dealing with it. I'm going to move away. I'm never talking to anyone in my family again. This is an extreme example. Right. But some people do have to set those type of barriers in order to keep themselves safe. Right. So I think what we should really be looking at is what needs to be a barrier and what needs to be a boundary. Because sometimes things can get better with the explanation of your boundary or the conversation around your boundary. You know, like, hey, I don't like when you give my kids fruit roll-ups and stuff when they come over. Can you, I don't want you to do that. That's not how we eat another just random example, right? If grandma is like, you know, I want to do what I want, blah, blah, blah, then that may be, you may need to have another

conversation and then you may have to say, you know what, the kids won't be coming over. That, you know, there is so many different ways that boundaries and barriers can show up. For me, I found that my barriers were a lot around my past and they were a defense mechanism that I thought were keeping me safe, but really were keeping me stuck. Yeah. So I had to look at, okay, where is this barrier coming from? and how can I change that barrier to a boundary that Alex honors that I am honoring for myself. Yeah, that's amazing.

And what do you do if, again, we've, we got some big concepts here that I think, you know, I'm thinking of women in my life and I'm like, oh my gosh, there's so much internal work that needs to be done. And the fear, again, I'm going to go back to is as we find, find our own path as we set up boundaries, as we deal with the barriers, you're going to lose some people in your life. Oh, yes, you will. And you're going to grieve and it's going to be hard and you're going to have to choose, you're going to have to figure out what self-chewing looks like in those instances. And so how can we help women support women through that

process? Is that if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, this is me, I got to do this. I hear the work that needs to be done. I'm willing to take the risk. Now, how do we create a community for that woman? How do we support her as she goes through that process? I think something that really has helped me personally is when I can go to people I feel safe with and not have them try to fix things, just have them try to listen or have them actively listen, not try to listen, have them actively listen. And I have a very beautiful small friend group that knows when to hold space and knows when to ask, hey, can I give you another thought on that? Or are you open to advice? Right. And so we will lose people on the way as we grow and as we heal.

And as we set boundaries and as we reevaluate the barriers in our lives. And that's hard. That is really challenging. I've had plenty of folks I've worked with who have completely had to step away from their birth families because they were just not on the same pathway. And me and how I teach is how do we step away with compassion, grace, and love, especially when things are crappy and hard. Because if we're stepping away in anger and hatred, which is not to say you can't be angry, but if you are stepping away in that energy, it's going to be very, you're going to be very challenging to shake that relationship and shake that person. So essentially, you're still going to be walking through the world with that resentment and that challenging experience in your back

pocket. And so how do we gain the freedom to let go with love and to bow out with grace? And I think that that really has to be done on a one-on-one level. Like a therapy. Or no, like journaling. Internal, internal level on the page. And also, yes, to therapy. Therapy is the reason why I'm a writer. Yeah. And so whatever you feel like you need to do to live and lead a life that is rooted in peace, I think is really important.

And again, where can we center ourselves, you know? Yeah, yeah. And what if you're, as you're making this change in your life? if you're discovering yourself, you're taking your ownership of you back, but you feel you don't have a lot of confidence. I know your book that came out, I think in 2020 was really about confidence and how do we overcome obstacles and step into more confidence. Give us some tools for that.

Yeah. So I talk about after the rain is the name of the book you're referring to. Beautiful. Thank you. You've got a lot of books, by the way. I do. I'm impressed. That's free. That's awesome. Yeah, thank you. After the Rain is essentially part memoir, part guide. And what I lead people through are my own personal stories of healing and reflection and trying to find myself through my trauma and through doing the soul work because I wanted to create the life that I have now. And so being confident, being self-confident. is an inside job. And I think that it's really important for us to dismantle the noise that we hear,

that our confidence has to come from outside praise and outside approval. And I'm not saying that we don't need or like or want external validation, right? Of course we're humans. That's a part of our makeup. But we also have to validate ourselves. And I have a 14-year-old and she, you know, is at that age where she's learning how to be confident and how to be her own. And having me as her mom, she has to learn how to be her own validation. You know, and I, and an example here is that she's an artist. She's an amazing, talented artist.

And she thinks most of her work sucks. And as an artist, I understand that feeling. But we can't let our negative self-talk and that negative inner voice trick us from leaning into our talents and from growing in our craft. Right. So I think it's really important, especially for the youth, that we give them the space to explore what it looks like to suck because we will sometimes. Explore what it looks like to fail and explore what it looks like to be great and to get back up again after failures. And I think that that's where the confidence is birth, like in that middle place. And seeing, you know, how things can evolve with time.

Yeah. What do you do when those thoughts come up and when you suck, this isn't good enough? Do you have a toolbox for what to do when that happens? Oh, yeah. I ask myself, well, is that the truth? Ah. Is that the truth? You just like call your own self out.

You have to do that. Yeah. Like you know, you know you don't suck. You know this, the work you're doing doesn't suck. You know that, you know, you are better than you were 10 years ago. Yeah. So I think that I do think that it's hard, you know, to call our own selves out. But I saw this meme on social media that that, that this woman was saying she was in therapy and she was having all these negative self-talk thoughts. and self-doubt and blah, blah, blah. And her therapist said, the next time that happens, ask yourself, who told you that? Yeah. I was like, I'm using that. I'm using that. Every time that happens, like, Alex, who told you that?

Yeah. You know what? So I have a really great who told you that story. I, when I was in seventh grade, I had an English teacher basically like rip my essay apart. And the way that she spoke to me, my seventh grade brain interpreted it as I was dumb and that I wasn't academic and that I would definitely not a writer. So fast forward, you know, four books later. And I just, I'm writing my, I'm writing my fourth book on fasting for women. And yeah, I'm really excited. Hey House has bought the

deal. And when I got this confirmation from Hayhouse, they sent me a really nice letter and said, We see your mission. We're on your mission with you. And I just started to cry. Again, I could cry right now because I felt so heard. And here I am at 52. It's like that seventh grader was finally validated how many years later. And I know that sounds silly.

And, you know, but it was real aha that one person could influence my thoughts around something as pivotal as writing for my whole life until another. person came in and said, actually, we hear you, we see you, we want to be with you. It was a really healing moment for me. And yet, gosh, did that really need to take me, you know, 40 some years to do? So is there, it did? Okay. Okay. You want to know why I say yes? Yes. Tell me. Because I find that it's in those moments where we end up realizing along the way what the truth is, right? I mean, clearly, you're active, you're a doctor. Clearly, you are changing the world and hearts of people through your work. I mean, clearly the things that your seventh grade

teacher said to you, shame on them, was not the truth, right? And so I really love that you shared that story because now we see like what external validation can give us as a gift. You said that Hayhouse is with you and made you feel seen and safe and supportive. And, Like that is, that is beautiful. And that's what we want external validation to do for us. And then we want to be able to give that to our selves. So it's like this, this nudge, this permission. Oh, there can be both, right?

And the confidence, you know, that you have just through your work and your teachings, it's contagious. And I think it's really beautiful. And thank you for sharing that story. Oh, yeah. No. And, you know, it's just been, I've been on my own. self-reflection journey.

You know, again, everything that we're talking about today, it's really interesting when your kids grow up. As a woman, it's really interesting when they don't need you in the same way. And you start, you know, my career is, it also gives me a lot of fulfillment. I think that's the best way to say it. So I've been in this weird transition. And in that story, what was really interesting to me is a lot of people said, well, you should go find her.

And you should go tell her the teacher where you're at. She should know what you're doing. And I thought, I don't really have any desire to find her. Who I want to connect with is the seventh grade, Mindy. I want to go find her. And I want to hug her and let her know that the journey has been a great one and that she's stepping into something that she didn't even know possible in seventh grade. That's who I'm more interested in having a relationship with.

Oh, that's so beautiful. That inner child healing work is absolutely necessary. And that's wonderful. Yeah. Todd, let's finish this up a little bit on the concept of gratitude. So this season for my podcast, the theme is going to be gratitude. And I really think gratitude is important to talk about because in 2020, all we did is talk about the things that were taken away from us. In 21, I don't even know what happened this year, but I feel like that. like everybody was just, I feel like everybody was pointing fingers at each other. And now is the opportunity for us to go, okay, what are we grateful for in this new world we're living in?

So talk about a little bit about how we can all step into more gratitude in our life in a world that we're living in that is constantly showing you what you don't have, what's not there. How do we take back gratitude for ourselves? Well, that's such a great question because I've been practicing daily gratitude since November 2020. And it birthed the newsletter that I have called gratitude daily. And I also have a spinoff called gratitude weekly. And I reflect on the micro moments of joy and gratitude that present themselves to me. And so something that's been coming up a lot lately is my morning walk practice, which I picked up 78 days ago. I read this book called Do Walk by Libby Delana.

And it completely transformed and changed my life. And it reminded me. me of the power of gratitude for the moment, for the baby steps, for the daily commitment and self-promises. And so when I think about gratitude, I think about not the big things that come up and bless me and are amazing and whatever, but those little things like the bird flying by or a hug or giggle from my kids or, you know, just something that tastes good, something that I cooked that feels good, but the breath in my body, being alive. And like, that is for me the answer to my longing to find meaning, if that makes sense. Yeah. Paying attention, paying attention, paying attention, like that is seeing that gratitude and grateful living has really shown me over the past year,

especially is where do I need to pay attention? I'm a lot. live, I am well. Where do I need to pay more attention? And is that like a question you ask yourself throughout the day? Because I have a morning practice as well. And I feel like in the morning, I can connect to that place of gratitude. I've been doing a meditation where I worked at 20 minutes of just spending like, what am I grateful for? What am I grateful for? And then as the day goes on, I'm like, okay, wait, this didn't get done. That's not happening. This. This person's doing this. This somebody wants something from me and I find that that I get lost in gratitude. So it sounds like you have a morning practice, but then you're also pausing throughout the

day. Is that correct? That is correct. And the pauses are really just this invitation to take a closer look at what's in front of me. So on my morning walks, that's really where I've been finding deeper gratitude or gratefulness over the past 78 days is like, wow, that pine tree is really freaking beautiful. And I have driven and walked past it a thousand times, but I'm just now seeing it today. Right. Like, where do I need to open my eyes? What do I need to see? And I also think it's, it makes a world of difference when we release the pressure around having to be grateful for something. You know, like the world teaches us, you know, to, you know, that we don't have enough. And then we pressure ourselves to look at the things we have so that, you know, how dare us want more.

Like you can be grateful and still have other goals and still want more, right? And so how do we create this practice of gratitude or gratefulness that's easeful? And what I tell people is have, I'm a writer. So grab your gratitude journal, title of the page, gratitude. and write one thing at the top of your day and at the end of your day. Little thing doesn't have to be, oh, I got a promotion today or whatever. It can be, I made it through the day. Yeah, I'm alive.

I'm breathing. Yep. And so that's how gratitude shows up for me. A book recommendation. I know you asked this at the end, but I'm going to plug this right here. Wake Up Grateful by Christy Nelson is another phenomenal book that I've read that was transformative for me and breaks down the difference between gratitude and gratefulness, which blew my mind. I won't spoil it here, but it really blew my mind. And so just that call to pay

attention and that call to be more clear and centered in our lives is what's been impacting me the most. Yeah, I think that's incredible. Talk about your new book, because you have another book coming out. I do. I have another book coming. Yeah. Yeah. So talk a little bit about that. And then, yeah, let's start there. Yeah. So my next book is called How We Heal. It'll be Book 5 published through Chronicle Books. And what's really funny is that when publishers weekly came out, I was on the same list

as you. I think we were like above. Oh, were we? Wow. That's so funny. And I was like, oh, Dr. Mindy has a book out preordering it. Can't wait. Yeah.

Thank you. So, yes, it's called How We Heal. And it's my journey through writing practice as a healing modality. And then I have other voices throughout the book. that I interview, who share their creative healing practices. So I have doctors and therapists and artists and each of them has their own personal practice through healing. So that's how we heal. And I'm very excited about it. It will be out next fall. Amazing. Amazing. And what I'm learning a lot from you and I'm hoping my audience is going to

use your resources is that you have a lot, you've created a lot of tools for people in general, of course, we're speaking mostly of women, but for people to step into and go through a process of self-discovery that doesn't take going to a therapist per se or going to a big seminar, what I see is you have so many cool tools that you can just do in your living room. Am I reading that right? Because that's what I saw. What I looked all over your pages is like, this woman wants to help. Yeah.

So I am a big believer in self-experteachise and self-experties. and self-exploration. And so I do have tools. I have meditations on apps like ritual and insight timer. I have a YouTube channel called Making Space Meditation where you can get free meditations there. There's different writing practices on my website because I know that while I know people will pay for the things that I offer, I love being able to just offer free tools to the community. I think that that's really, really important. Everyone doesn't have X, Y, and Z to do to a weekend retreat or to come to a course with me, right? And so how can I serve both sides, right? And that's what I really want to do with my work. And so, yeah, I am a certified

breathwork coach and I do free monthly breathwork community calls on Zoom. And it's so much fun. We do a meditation. And then we have a community fellowship at the end and we talk about it and about everything that came up. And so, yeah, it's just been amazing. I'm going to join that community. Breathwork is really interesting to me because from a neuroscience standpoint, you're really priming the parasympathetic nervous system and helping balance out those two systems. So really, really cool stuff. So let's do this. I want to, I really want to like, my husband always says to me, you just want the happy ending. I want to tie everything up into a pretty bow. But what I do want to do is leave people listening with some action steps.

So if you're listening to this, you know you need to go into a process of self-discovery. And what advice would you give that woman? Like, I'm hearing this. I'm resonating with this information. I need to start somewhere. I need a process to go through. Is there one of your journals, one of your meditations? Like, where do we start?

Is it saying, hey, I need help, just reaching out? How does this process unfold for people listening? That's a really good question. So off the top of my head, what I would nudge people to do who are interested, especially in writing practice and restorative writing practice, is to start on the app called ritual. Ritual.io is the URL. And there are plenty free writing practices from me that are guided. I'm talking you through them. We're holding space for meditation there.

And then, to be honest, you know, yes, my resources are great and are made for. for you. But I think going back to that question, like, who am I? What do I want and what do I need? I think that you press stop on this podcast, get your journal out or get your voice memo app out, ask yourself those questions, talk yourself through those questions. Everything else is secondary. You are your own inner expert. You are your own greatest teacher. And your answers will come to the surface if you get curious enough and quiet enough to hear what you're trying to say. I love that. I love those questions. My thought is if you do it in a fasted state, who the answers in a fasted state are profound. I don't know if you've, what the longest fast you've

had, but I've really found that. How much? 48. 48. 48. Awesome. So, yeah, right? Did you reset your dopamine receptor sites? Were you happier afterwards? I was happier afterwards. And when I took my first bite of food, it hurt going down. Is that normal? I don't know if that's normal. Yeah, it could, it could, you just, your body feels different with it. So everybody will have a little different experience. Some people taste it different. Like, it literally has a different taste to it. So was it just the first bite or did it improve after that? The first and second bite, I had to like slowly reintroduce. And I, and I've, when I've done longer fast before, I don't break with a solid food. And I learn that from you. I break with like a bone broth. or my bulletproof coffee or whatever. So yeah, no, it was hard. And I was like, you know what?

I don't think I did that right. But at the end of it, I was like, I feel really good and light. And I'll probably do another one in the new year. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever I have like a challenge that I can't really seem to get my mind to figure out going into a longer fast and asking questions. And it's weird because sometimes the first day you don't get the answer. But by the second day or even the third day, like you'll just be doing nothing and the answer like comes right into your head. It is the coolest experience. I can see why so many spiritual teachings have used fasting for that connection. So, okay, last couple of questions.

You got to give me your book recommendation. We're doing something a little different, but I can't, I got to know your number one because that my own thirst for that. Oh my gosh. Okay. So I named two books already that completely changed my life. And those are definitely on my top three. So if I have to give you one more, it would be when things fall apart by Pema Children.

And listen to the audiobook. The audio book, wow. I bought the solid book and I have the audio book and I would listen and go through the actual book. And it's just transformative. It really changed me. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I said to Jessica the other day, I was like, can we get Pema Chodrin on the podcast?

Like, where is she? What is she doing? I think she's meditating and perhaps not as accessible as she once was, but her work is profound. So I absolutely ditto that one. Okay. Next question. And you kind of answered this. If there were a couple of practices around gratitude that you do every day and would not give up and would encourage everybody to do, what would those be?

Walking outside, taking intentional deep breaths, even if it's just for, about two minutes and eating a nourishing meal. I love that. I love that. That's beautiful. Okay. What's something in your life right now that you are just incredibly grateful for? My life. Yeah. The whole, all of it. All of it. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. Well, Alex, this has been incredible. I so appreciate you going deep with me, although I have a feeling you probably go deep with a lot of people. I'm thinking that might be how you show up. I'm so honored, truly. Your work, as I said earlier, has really shifted my life. And I'm so glad I randomly stumbled across you on YouTube. And I'm just honored, truly. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining me

in today's episode. I love bringing thoughtful discussions about all things health to you. If you enjoyed it, we'd love to know about it, so please leave us a review, share it with your friends, and let me know what your biggest takeaway is.