The Sabrina Zohar Show - 1: Anxious attachment and how it manifests in relationships

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

Welcome to the first episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show! On this episode, Sabrina shares her journey with anxiety, anxious attachment style, and ways she healed it and how to 'do the work' authentically. PLEASE NOTE- Sabrina speaks fast and curses in the podcast, you can slow the speed down manually if you prefer! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello. Welcome to Do the Work Podcast. I am your host, Sabrina Zohar, and I'm so excited and honored to welcome you to the new podcast where we talk about all things dating, anxiety, and doing the work necessary to heal your anxious attachment style. Super stoked to go on this journey with you, so let's dive in. This is the first ever episode, and that is super exciting for me. And this all really stemmed from me with anxious attachment style, trying to heal it,

trying to work through it, and being able to share my experience as, with other people. And we can just start off kind of off the bat of like, what is anxiety? How does that manifest in the dating world? How does that take shape and form when you're trying to form real connections, but you have a lot of traumas and things that you're, you know, not working through? So off the bat, what is anxiety? Anxiety is a fear of the future. And oftentimes it can cripple us to a point of no return. There are three major attachment styles now that people have spoken about. There are also now more that are being added on. But there's anxious, there's avoidant, and there's secure. Somebody who is secure as someone that can give and love, give and receive love. They have the capacity and the

emotional availability in order to do so and they don't shy away from somebody expressing their feelings and emotions to them. Anxious attachment style, which is what I've identified with for most of my life, what is that and how does that manifest? So with somebody with anxious attachment style, it is somebody that grew up in a space where their caregivers were not able or willing to give and receive love. So for me, how did that manifest? I grew up in a household where my father cheated on my mom the entire marriage and did not really actually want to be a father, didn't really want to have kids, but here we are. And so for him, love was conditional. It was a give and take. It was never consistent. You never felt like, at least for me, never felt like my caregiver

was there consistently and would show up. So he would say one thing and then drastically change 10 minutes later, not even, sometimes the drop of a hat. And so what that instilled with me is, love is conditional. Love has to be earned. Love is not consistent. Love is not secure. You are not good enough. That person doesn't see the value in you. Those are all the core wounds that were created and literally embedded into my life. Does that mean that there's validity to them? No, but that is how it manifests itself. So when you are a child and you have somebody where it causes abandonment issues, they give and take and they're constantly in and out and not showing you consistency. That is how that anxious attachment style is bred. This is also where doing the work comes in because what does that mean?

That means that you have to heal that inner child and do the childhood trauma work. Now, avoidance, on the other hand. And I think there's a common misconception here that being avoidant is like better than anxious and that it's, oh, that person doesn't feel and they can turn their emotions off and they can shut off and things like that. All avoidance means is it's a different way that trauma is manifested in a person and how they handle those anxieties because avoidance also have anxiety. They also suffer from that. But how does it manifest? With an avoidant, it's that love for them being seen and showing who they really were was not a safe space for them. them growing up. I actually have a new client that I started working with who suffers from an

avoidant detachment style. And all of his life, he was always told that what he had to say wasn't worth it. It didn't have validity to it. And he was also always taught that if you show emotion, you're weak and that you need to bottle everything up and that you are not safe to express yourself or to ask and receive and to give love and receive it in a way that made you feel good. So I think then all of a sudden here we are as adults. It's manifesting in our relationships. We're now like, oh, fuck, I have all these issues. Why is this happening? And why do anxious and avoidant always go for each other? It's a tale as old as time being because avoidance feel like when they get love and they have somebody that's coming closer to them, they have to run. Nope, this is not safe. If you see who I

really am, it's a sign of weakness. And I can't have that. They were never taught how to process their feelings and receive love. They were never taught that they are valid for having those feelings and that they should be seen and should be heard. Thus, it manifests in where they are constantly running because they don't want anybody to see them or really see the version of themselves that they're trying to hide. Whereas somebody with anxiety is taught that it's conditional and that it's never there consistently and that you need to constantly be giving more in a relationship to try to receive. If I scream louder, somebody will hear me, right? So that's why anxious and avoidant are always going for each other. It's because the avoidance trying to pull away. But then when they meet somebody

with anxiety or with that anxious attachment style that's giving more, they almost see it as, oh, great, I need more of that. I need to have somebody that's going to give me more because I can't facilitate that and give more. Then the anxious person, it's a dance. Then they feel, oh, I can learn something from the avoidant. I can learn something from someone that's pulling away from me all the time and give and pull and things like that. That is really where that is manifested and comes from. And that is why anxious and avoidant are always together and are always finding each other is because it's a push pull and they each give and take and receive things from each other. But it's not a healthy dynamic because when you're with somebody who is secure, someone who's secure was raised to have a central

nervous system. The highs and lows are not what get them off. And when you have anxiety, it's really the highs and lows that we are kind of breeding off of. And that is where you find yourself going back and forth because when you're with somebody secure, healthy equals boring, you automatically feel like, oh, no, this is how it should be. If it's so easy and it's so good to me and this person really cares about me for me, something must be off here, right? Wrong. That is not the case.

What does it mean to have the childhood traumas and not be working through them? When you have an anxious attachment style or avoid an attachment style, anything aside from secure, you can manifest it in different ways. Ultimately, at the end of the day, it's that your little me,

the little version of you is running the show. When you react instead of respond, so if somebody does something, for instance, anxiety is really tough for new daters. New daters in the beginning court stages, that's really tough for people with anxiety because we want certainty. We want to know somebody's not going to abandon us. We want to know that someone's going to be there. We want to know that that person is going to be there through thick and thin. And we're always worried that we're going to be left and that it reinstates the negative thought process of C. I knew I wasn't good enough. See, I knew I wasn't all of those things. So in the beginning phases, it's really hard for somebody with anxiety and dating. That is also a false sense of intimacy because we feel like we need to hear all the words. and we don't allow the actions to follow and to match. Because within the first week or two,

if you're not getting your needs met, thus anxiety is building, then you start to become anxious with your partner. And that can push somebody away, especially if they're avoidant. The ways to combat that is by doing the inner child work that you need to do so that you stop answering from a place of anxiety. Because when you start coming from a place of security of,

I haven't heard from that person. So what? That person's busy and is doing their life and is doing their thing. that is totally cool. And if you start to heal those childhood traumas, you answer from an adult place. You don't answer from a child. And a lot of the times, like, I used to see so many times I would react. And my mom would look at me and she's like, that's how you used to react to your father. And it's like, oh, my fucking God, I am literally coming from a place of a wounded child. Once you start healing those parts of you, that is where you can then date like an adult and the

adult version of you steps in and says, no, I need to be the one to take control here. I'm not going to let that little version. Meditating helped me a lot, really working through therapy, trying to figure out what those childhood traumas were, where did they stem from, where are they coming from, and questioning yourself, having the self-awareness around the space to be able to say, wait a minute, I'm feeling anxious right now. This is nothing to do with the other person. This has to do with me. What is going on in this sphere and in the world? And then being able to say, okay, what's my part in this? Where's the accountability that I need to take? It's not always somebody else. It's not always that that person is doing something to me, thus I feel triggered.

It's also saying, well, I feel triggered. Why? What is my part in this? Because if you keep blaming everybody else and then wondering why things aren't changing, you're going to be the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette. with a flame thrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero?

More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. That leaves us now with trusting your gut and intuition and how do you move forward when you have identified, okay, I'm anxious, great. Now what? You know, it's like, I remember reading attached and doing the test and being like, okay, cool, we've established that I suffer from anxiety. What the fuck do I do with this information?

So like really the first place to start is ideally with a licensed therapist. You want to work with somebody that you feel is a safe space, that you feel like you can talk to. You feel like you could be open, vulnerable and honest. And because you are going to be visiting a lot of spaces that are really uncomfortable, you are going to be going to a lot of places that are very raw and exposed. So you want to be with somebody that you feel like you can open up with. That's going to give you really great, you know, feedback and things from a psychological perspective. if not your friend just trying to make you feel better.

But once you start to do that, it really just starts with trying to pinpoint those trauma points of like, for me, I started doing ketamine treatments because that really helped me, like, get deeper, get into a space where I could like start questioning things and figure things out. And I was figuring out, why am I still blocked? Where am I still holding on? Where am I stuck? And it literally brought me back to this childhood home I had when I was a kid and we had this attic in my room. And when my dad would be going off and being his tire and self, I would go and hide.

in that closet. And that's where I would. And I put music on in my little boombox. I had like one CD that I would just play over and over again. And I would just hide and I would cry. And that is where I was literally living and stuck because the little version of me was stuck in that space for so long that I wasn't able to get out. And once I started identifying that and going back and meditating and going through it, I was able to then go back to the little me and say, you know what? I get that you had this time. And I get that this was a struggle. But now it's time for us to get the fuck out of here. It's time for us to leave this in the past where it belongs. And I need to let you know, I'm here for you now. I'm here to reparent you. I'm here to let you know that you are safe. You are loved. You are special. You are all of those

things. And I literally had to pull myself out of that space and bring myself into a safer space so that I could actually live a little bit more authentically and securely as opposed to always living in that space of the seven, eight, nine year old me, hiding in the closet, feeling like no one hears me. No one understands me. thus I need to act out. And a lot of the times that is truly how anxiety is manifested is. It's a lot of tantrums. It's a lot of acting out. It's a lot of I'm not getting my way. Well, I need to be heard and I need to be seen and I need to be validated. And while you are 100% correct that your partner should be doing all of those things, it's not a constant and sensent validation and it's not something that happens over and over and over again. Eventually, you need to realize like this comes within you. You need to

self-validate and self-soothe. It can't always be somebody else doing it for you. And so it's really important to get down to the core issues, figure out where those are stemming from, where is that trauma coming from so that you can actually heal it and be able to move on and live a healthier, happier life versus always waiting for someone else to validate you. Because I get that so often. Well, I didn't hear from him and he's not texting me and I don't feel secure. Well, you need to create that security within yourself and also trust and know that even if somebody does that to you and even if somebody bails and even if somebody leaves, you're going to be okay. We've all been through heartbreak and pains and things like that. And a lot of the times, what's the common denominator?

We start to look and go, I don't actually care about the person. It's just this is manifesting itself. Because with anxious attachment style, I can guarantee you, this is not the first time nor the last time that this has happened. And that's when you detach yourself and go, wait a minute. So this is nothing to do with the person. I just projected this entire situation onto them and made this relationship something that it wasn't, especially like I'll get it. Oh, we had two amazing dates and I'm completely devastated. You don't know anybody after two dates. You know the version of them that they want you to see. You know that.

But what it is, it's that little child and you going, yay, attention, yay, somebody's giving me something. Yay. Okay, now they need to love me. And when you start to feel them pull away, it's, oh, my God, see, I knew it was me. I knew I wasn't good enough. I knew that that person was going to leave. And again, you start to repeat the patterns and the narrative comes in. That is why it happens with multiple partners.

It doesn't just happen with one. It's because it doesn't matter who the person is. It matters really where you're stemming from and where your reactions are coming from as opposed to responding. So I think that is like the first place is to stop and have that self awareness to realize. And then also to start trusting yourself and to remind yourself that you have this, you've got this. No matter what happens, you are in control. You have the bandwidth and you have the know all and you have the trust within yourself to say that no matter how hurt I'm going to get, I'm still going to be okay. And how it impacts dating is it's huge. I can tell you firsthand,

I've had a lot of dating experiences that probably would have been a lot of better had I not been so fucking anxious, had I not been so demanding, had I not been so needy in the beginning stages before I built a rapport with someone to where I could express those needs because no, after the first or second date is not an appropriate place to be like, well, I need more and you're not texting me enough and you're not asking me out enough. You are exploring each other. You're getting to know each other. Like you have to give a bit of distance and space between you and the other person for them

to come a little bit closer and be able to facilitate and show them. you who they are and show you what it is that they have to offer. And so I think when you're dating with anxiety, you want to know everything is going to be okay. And sometimes you just can't have that. This is relationships are, you know, you can control yourself, but you can't control the other person. And so knowing all of that, great. So knowing that I can only control myself, what that does that mean? That means that then I need to take care of my shit. The best way to date and be able to navigate this is knowing that my side of the street is clean, that I have control over myself. I have control over my actions and that no matter what I'm going to be okay,

I was good before them, I'm going to be good after them. Repeating those little mantras, doing all the work. And that is why this podcast is in existence. It's about doing the work authentically and not just staring in the mirror, telling yourself affirmations, writing them on a wall and then leaving going, well, I don't get it? Why don't I feel better? You're not attacking the root issues. You're not really getting down to the nitty gritty of what is causing the anxiety. Without figuring out what causes the anxiety, you are the definition of insanity. And you're going to repeat the same shit over and over and over again until you do the work. And so that is why I am trying to shed some light a little bit on attachment styles, anxiety and dating, but also to

separate. You are not anxious. You have anxiety. Big fucking difference here. Because if you attach yourself to an attachment style, you then feel enslaved to it like you're never going to change and like you're never going to be able to grow and evolve when you can. You can go through all the attachment styles. When I met my current man, I was a little bit more avoidant. I wasn't super anxious like I always am. I felt really comfortable knowing if I didn't hear from him, it was okay. Like, I knew that we had enough respect towards each other that we would be able to communicate. But because of his openness and his candor, it made me kind of pull away a little bit because it was so foreign to me. It was something I had never experienced before with a man. And now I'm

opening up, opening up, and I can express to him when I'm feeling anxious. And that is super important is also dating somebody and being with somebody that you feel safe enough to express yourself because when you share things with somebody, they can gaslight you. They can make you feel like you're fucking crazy. They can do all of those things. And that's not fair to you as somebody who is doing the healing and doing the work that somebody could completely misconstrue and take advantage of things that you tell them, especially if that trust hasn't been earned. So it's also super important. That's why dating when you're anxious, going slow is actually the best thing you can do. It challenges your anxiety. It challenges. It challenges.

challenges your thoughts. It forces you to stop and slow down and go, wait a minute, do I actually need all of that? Or am I just coming from a place of anxiety? Do I actually need to hear from this person 24-7? Or is that just me feeling like I need the validation? I need somebody to be there all the time to make me feel like I'm chosen as opposed to me saying, I have a great life. That person's in addition to it's not instead of. So that person's going to be in addition to my life and they're going to be a nice ad-od. They're not going to be instead of. I think that is such a big topic and such a big thing to remember when you're dating and you're anxious. And I think it's really important to, as I always say, like, get a grip. Stop yourself. Get to a point where you can call yourself out on your

shit because without the self-awareness to be like, wait a minute, I'm doing it again. Here I go again. I'm spiraling. Here I go again. But then the pendulum swings. You don't want to do that all the time. You don't want to then take away if that person's treating you like shit. Like I get this all the time where people will say, well, you know, I've been dating somebody for six months. And they, if only text me twice to hang out and I'm always the one and it's because it's my anxiety that's pushing away. No, what that is is that person's not that interested and that is okay. Dating means it's a numbers game. If you were to fall in love and the first person that you met was going to be the person, then all of us would be with the person from high school, right? We would be with the

first person that we ever fell in love with. But when you have anxiety and you're in the dating world, it's also remembering that like it's going to take time for you to be able to be with someone where you can open up. We heal relationally. You can do a lot of work on yourself. and that is a number one thing. Like you should be going to therapy for you. You should be doing all of this work for you. You shouldn't be doing it for somebody else. And that's also why like you don't change for somebody else.

You change for yourself. If you change for other people, that's not fucking sustainable. It's the same with like saying, well, when this happens, then I'll be okay. If you're always waiting for something else to happen to validate yourself and to make yourself feel better, you're going to fucking wait forever. And then also guess what? As you start to do that, it becomes the dopamine hit becomes less because you're doing it for other people.

thus it's not as rewarding when you do it for yourself. So it's really important to like get a grip on that shit and remember why you're doing this and why you're trying to heal. And then also remember that the other person has to earn your trust has to earn you to be vulnerable and open and that you can heal with somebody else. Like I'm healing with the tech guy because I'm able to let go and learn where these triggers are coming from. If I were alone, I used to think, no, I'm good. I'm healed. I'm fine. I don't need anybody. I'm fine. I've done all the work. Like what else do I have to do? And then now that I'm in a relationship, I'm like, oh, shit, there it is. There it is.

It starts to bring up all of those things that you don't realize until you're with somebody else. So that's also a fallacy, waiting to be healed and then I can get into a relationship. No. If you are struggling to date because your anxiety is taking over, then yes, still do what you need to do in therapy, learn how to self-soothe and learn how to sit through the discomfort of the unknown because that's what anxiety is. It's the fear of the unknown and then it manifests in different places.

But if you have done all that work on yourself and you feel like, I got this, I can fucking handle this. Put yourself out there. Go out and date. Figure out what's going to cause the triggers. Like I'm seeing something out. Know your triggers 100%. Understand where that shit comes from. And then also understand that it's going to heal when you're in a relationship and that more triggers are going to come up.

It's super normal when to feel triggered in a relationship because a lot of the times the other person doesn't know what they're doing. They don't understand how it's landing on you. They don't understand how it's manifesting with you. and they don't understand that like actions have a reaction and that the impact is hitting you in a different way than they might even realize. And like communication at the end of the day is really also the only way you're going to get to the bottom of it. Like when you suffer from anxiety, you could literally create castles in the sky. You can come up with every scenario that you could

possibly imagine. And that is totally normal because that's just the brain. It does that to you. But then stopping yourself and being like, wait a minute, did I just create a story? Did I need to figure, I need to stop my shit. And then also, realizing, great, I think I may have created a story, but I'm not 100% sure. So I'm going to seek clarity from that person. And I'll give you a great example. Tech guy is fucking awesome. Like, he's just an amazing person and human being. Yesterday, I had said like, oh, yeah, he's going away for two weeks. And I said, great, okay, cool. So we get to spend the weekend together. And he was like, I can give you Saturday. Sunday, I'm really busy. I spiraled. I went straight into like,

here we go. This person's pulling away. Blah, blah. And I took a minute. And I was like, cool, what's the narrative that you just created about the situation? Okay. Where are the facts? Cool. All he said was he's busy Saturday. So what we're going to do is we're going to inquire a little. And I was honest and I said, I got to be honest with you. Your comment made me really anxious. It made me feel like I wasn't a priority to you. You're going away for two weeks. And I didn't feel like we were going to really, you know, we've been dating for a while now and I thought I'd be able to get more, spend more time with you. I'm really cognizant that you're setting a boundary. I respect it. But I also just wanted to let you know how it landed on me that it made me feel anxious. He said, hey, I'm heading into a meeting.

give me 20. Let me call you right after. FaceTime me. And the first thing he said was, I am so sorry that this is how you felt. That was not my intent, but intent without action means nothing. And so let me clarify. And he started to clarify why he feels anxious, why he needed the space, what he was doing on Sunday. And he said, you're right, I need to take ownership of this. I haven't been as open and receptive with you because I've been dealing with my own shit and I got really in my head. And I didn't share this with you. And had I been able to be honest and open with you, then that would have alleviated your anxiety so that you knew where I was coming from. We had an incredible conversation. I was able to say, these are the things that I'm feeling,

but then these are also the amazing things that you're doing and validated him for being so open, being so honest, being so incredible with me, but then also saying, but then there's also issues that we have and giving both of us were able to do that. And it was so refreshing. I left that call being like, wow, I feel amazing. And then he went right after two, let's plan a trip together. You and I need some alone time. You're right. We need to have. some time just together because we've had so many people in town and blah, blah, and me just moving here. And so he's planning a trip for us to go away when he gets back from his trip. Awesome. Like that is what I mean by there are ways to handle your anxiety that are constructive. And had I

called him and just shared how I felt if he got defensive and was gaslighting me, that would have just been my way to be like, cool, this is not a safe space for me to be able to express myself. Because you just expressing how you feel with validation by saying, hey, this is how I felt when you said this. Not blaming anybody and being like, you're lying to me and you're doing that. No, we're not accusing anybody. We're coming out by saying, I felt this, taking ownership of how I felt, and then expressing to him, and then he was able to do the same. And we had a constructive conversation, and we moved on in our relationship. So that is where I say it's like super important when you have anxiety to also like make sure that the person that you're spending your time with and the person that

you're dating is somebody that can receive it and be there as a safe space and a vessel for you. because if they're not, it could be a fucking toxic situation. And I know it because I've been in it. And then that person uses your anxiety. Like, how do you think a lot of people fall for narcissists? What did narcissists too? They love bomb you in the beginning sometimes or they just make you feel like they get you, like they totally understand you and that like everything's amazing and you have this false

sense of intimacy that this person is like the dream. They charm you into thinking everything's great. And then slowly over time, they start to use your insecurities and your anxieties against you. And they chip away at you and your. personality, bit by bit by bit. And that is where somebody with anxious attachment style can fall into a really unhealthy dynamic because at first they think everything's amazing. And then as that person that they trusted starts to knock them and bring them and slowly but surely chip away at them, then they start to lose themselves. And then they start to believe that. And they get

alienated from their friends and their family. And I know it because I was there. I've experienced it. I've had it. My ex was a raging piece of shit. He is the only ex I will say that about. And you know what? here's my ownership of it. I was unhealthy and I didn't see it. I didn't fucking leave. I took it because I didn't know any better. I was raised by a narcissistic father. So to me, having somebody love me like that was normal. Oh, you mean it's not? I shouldn't have consistency. We should have these up and downs. My nervous system should always be fluctuating. You're always putting me down and then bringing me back up just to bring me back down. And that's why self-awareness is so important because that's where you need to stop and go, hold the fucking phone. Am I being anxious and pushing somebody

because no matter what that person tries to do, it's never good enough for me? Or is that person blatantly treating me like shit? So I think it's so important to be able to identify the difference and trust yourself. Because ultimately, anxiety manifests itself in relationships in a very bodily way. So I did a video about it this morning. What's the difference between anxiety and intuition? And thanks to TikTok for engagement being so shit that a lot of people don't even see it. But the biggest difference is when you're in,

your body feels it. It's like you feel like nothing is going to quell it until the person says something to quell it. So like, oh my God, I haven't heard from him. You start to feel your heart starts to pound and you're like, I feel like I can't breathe. I'm starting, you start to spiral. Then you start to create the narrative in your head. I knew it. I fucking knew it. I said something last night. I knew I was going to push him away. I knew it. He's not interested. Oh my God. He's dating somebody else. It's because I'm not pretty enough. Bam. Spiral, spiral, spiral, spiral versus intuition is, I don't like what you just said to me. No, I don't feel like that's accurate. No, I trust myself enough to know that this isn't me being anxious. You're fucking

asshole. This is a big difference. And so I think that is so important. And that's why the podcast do the work for everybody out there is so clutch because it's about doing the work. And if you really, really want to have a secure relationship, the beauty is when you do the work. And it's a constant. Like, I'm a work in progress all the time. I am 32. 32 years of bullshit thinking and unhealthy attachments and things like that. Don't just go away in a month, two months, three months.

It takes time. And that's like, show yourself some grace. You are a fucking badass for even being here right now to try to better yourself. So can we please give ourselves the compassion we give other people? Give ourselves the love that we give. other people that you are fighting a really hard battle and you are doing what a lot of people aren't, which is the work? Because let me tell you, I was dating a guy last summer and he was an avoidant. And I remember we would get into huge fights. And like, here's an example. So I went to visit him.

It was long distance. I went to visit him. And it was like after we were dating for a few months. And he had a birthday party that weekend. And he was like, oh, yeah. I have a birthday party Saturday night. It's like at this Airbnb. It's like 20 people are getting together. And I was like, awesome. Cool. I must have come at the right weekend. He goes, oh, no, it's just for me. I said, are you fucking kidding? What do you mean it's just for you? I was like, then why am I here? You invited me.

You bought me a ticket to come visit you. What the fuck are you talking about? And then he started going, what are you trying to get for me? What are you trying to prove? Why do you want to come so bad? Why can't you just have a life? And he exploded. And I just sat there and I was like, this is a joke, right?

Then all of a sudden he starts crying and goes, you know, I'm a void. And tonight get scared when you try to come closer to me. And I was just laughing. And I was like, I don't have fucking time nor patience for that bullshit. Yeah, you're an avoidant. deal with your shit. You are so fucking scared of somebody showing you love and affection and attention because then that makes you have to also be real and catch up with the other person. And instead, you go it as, nope, this isn't safe. Must retreat. No, no, no. Somebody's showing me love and affection.

It's too much. It's overwhelming. It's overwhelming. I have to go. And that's how avoidance and anxious. That's where the battle comes. The avoidant pulls away, pulls away because it's too much and it's overwhelming and they can't handle it. So they retreat. And they also feel anxious, but in a different way. And then the anxious person comes over. No, no, I need more. I need more. I need to get you. Or as somebody's secure at that moment, I literally walked out and I said, I'm not doing this. If you can't handle the love I'm trying to give you and you can't show up consistently and one day, you're all over me and I'm your girlfriend and you love me and all of these amazing things. And then literally the next day, you're freaking out because this is, I feel overwhelmed.

Spoiler alert, that dude is still fucking single. Still single. So it's super, super important to remember that like when you are dealing with somebody who's avoidant and you have anxiety, you can't let them gaslight you into making you think that you are fucking insane for having these feelings. You also have to realize, wait a minute, that's their shit. That's what they're going through. And when you're secure, the difference is it's not that you're never going to meet somebody. Like, I think that's a common misconception that if you become secure, you're never going to meet another anxious person or avoidant person. You're only going to meet secure people. No, you're going to meet all walks of life. You can't control that you met somebody down the street.

You met somebody at class, right? And they ended up being a fuck boy. How are you going to know? The person comes up, gets your phone number and asks you to dinner, right? But what you do is you start to realize and see those red flags and you're like, oh, I'm not fucking dealing with this. That is what you become a secure attachment style or you are somebody with security. That is what it is. It's that you can identify it quicker. You know better. You know what it is that you want. You have your boundaries. You have your self-worth and you can identify. Oh, no, that's bullshit avoidant behavior. I'm not dealing with that. I don't want to deal. with that. So that is the biggest difference between being anxious and trying to get into security.

And then once you get into security, how is that going to manifest itself? It's not like all of a sudden you just feel better. You don't just wake up and you're like, I feel secure. I feel great. I feel whole. No, you're still going to have anxiety. You're still going to suffer. You're still going to go through spouts. But as you start to date, it becomes easier, first of all, to detach. You don't need somebody else's validation. You don't need somebody else in your life. You're able to identify it. When you start to see the behavior and the breadcrums, you go, now I'm out. I'm good. I don't have scarcity mindset. I don't think that nobody else is going to come.

I know that there are plenty of other amazing people out there. There's 7.8 or almost what, 8 billion people in the world? I mean, somebody else. But that is really why doing the work is so important is because it's less about that you're just all of a sudden going to live this amazing life by yourself. Yeah, you might still want a relationship. That's cool. But at least when you're in a secure space, you can identify it more quickly and you don't waste any more time. And that is so important and why doing the work is so close.

is like if you want the relationship that you want so bad, you also need to be the best version of yourself. So it's like I had a friend and he would say, I want this, this and this and this and I want all these things. And he listed all these things he wanted in a woman. And I went, okay, cool, what are you doing to then match that? So you want this amazing woman that's healed and secure and this, da, da, what are you? And I don't like to say, what are you bringing to the table? Because I don't mean literally of like, show me your cards. But what's the healed version of yourself that's also going to meet that person? Are you going to be able to be able to be able to, to receive it? Because if you keep going after emotionally unavailable people and say, I don't

understand, every guy doesn't want a relationship because a part of you is emotionally unavailable. It's safe. You don't pursue somebody that doesn't want something with you and continue to knock your head up against the wall if you really actually are ready for a relationship because that's a safe thing to do. By going after somebody who's unavailable, it, one, reinstates your core beliefs that you're not good enough, that love has to be earned, yada, yada, yada, all of those things that we discussed. And it also then just reaffirms those childhood traumas. Oh, see, it's a give and take. There's no consistency. That person's in and out. And instead, when you're secure, the minute you see the emotional unavailability, no thank you, take care all the best. Doesn't mean there's anything

wrong with them. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, but I'm able to identify. That's not what I want. I'm good. And that is why doing the work is so important. So I am super excited that we were able to just kick off the first episode of the Do the Work podcast. I am super grateful and honored that you guys even want to hear me talk because I have a lot of things I want to share and I know that there are a lot of people out there that don't want to do the work and they just want other people to heal them. And you know what? I get it. It's safer to stay in that space of the delusion and say, well, I'm good. It's everybody else because doing the work's really fucking hard. Going back and healing those childhood traumas takes a lot of strength and courage.

So for everybody that has made it this far and for everybody that is on the journey and for everybody that is healing, I want to tell you, go fucking party for yourself. Go dance in the living room. Give yourself a high five. Give yourself a hug and acknowledge how incredible it is of what you're doing. So I think this is such an incredible journey to be on. You figure out who you are. You figure out yourself and you figure out more about what it is that you want and how you give and take to people. And I just want to be able to say, a big fuck yes to everybody that is doing it. So thank you so much for coming to the first ever do the work podcast. And I am so excited to continue on with this journey and share all of the amazing things that I've learned.