The Sabrina Zohar Show - 10: Inner child work, Ketamine treatments and what 'reparenting' looks like

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

This week Sabrina opens up about her inner child healing journey, how ketamine treatments helped her connect to 'little sab' and what reparenting your inner child looks like.  Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I will be your lovely host on today's episode and every fucking episode. But I'm so excited. The podcast has been mushrooming and growing. Thank you to everybody who is sharing it and passing it along. It means so much that I get to help more people.

And this week, we're going to talk about a topic that is very near and dear to me, which is the inner child work. And honestly, this is what I go over with almost every client that I work on one-on-one, because I've noticed a pattern that this is where a lot of the hiccicals makeups are forming. So let's fucking dive in. A lot of you guys are going to learn more about me and part of my journey that I don't really talk about very often. So let's get right into it. Welcome back, friends. I am so excited to be here for another week with you. Guys, truly, I don't think thank you even covers it. Like, I have been so busy with coaching sessions every single week. I now have over 30 new clients a

week, which is fucking insane. The questions are coming in wild. The podcast is growing. It's so exciting that I get to help you guys so much and I'm just so grateful. And the thing is, is like, what I hear kind of more often than not is the people are still struggling, that it's like, okay, I'm in therapy or, okay, I'm aware, but like what's going on. And what's shocking to me is how few people actually talk about inner child work. And this is, anybody that's worked with me one-on-one knows that this is the first thing we kind of start to dive into because, honestly, more often than not, when we start to peel back the layers and usually I play detective on my one-on-ones, and I try to figure out and ask all the questions.

And then the second I start to say, so let's talk about the childhood. Let's talk about your relationship with your parents. It can usually either start with people going, oh, I know exactly this and we can pinpoint it or, no, I had a perfect childhood. And then as we peel back the layers, you start going, oh, I see what you're talking about. And for me, honestly, I think something that a lot of you guys don't know is 2014. I was incorrectly diagnosed. Not every therapist is somebody that you can trust.

Not every therapist knows what they're talking about. and I was misdiagnosed and mismedicated for over two and a half years. And it was detrimental to me and to my mental health. And it was because I was going through a lot and I went to go see a social worker, not to poo poo on them. I'm just saying this specific one, you know, listen, I'm not shitting on it altogether. But I went to go see a social worker. And she instantly said, no, you have borderline personality disorder.

And I was like, wait, what? What are you fucking talking about? Like, I've never been diagnosed by this. I've seen therapists before. No one has ever told me this. So she put me on Depakote, which is a mood stabilizer, colonapin for my anxiety, and like about six different antidepressants over the year. I gained 45 pounds.

I was a fucking zombie. I didn't feel. I was highly, highly, highly medicated. And I was addicted to the medication because 60% of adults are addicted to antidepressants. And now, listen, I am full on for if it works for you, fuck yes. Keep doing what works for you. But for me, that was the most incorrect bandaid I ever could have had. And it was in 2016 when I finally was like, I am tired of this.

I remember I had a boyfriend. I looked over at him, amazing man, amazing man. But it was the epitome of I just wanted a boyfriend. I just wanted someone to choose me. And then I got it and was like, why am I not fulfilled? So I was medicated, medicated, medicated, trying to numb, numb, numb and say, I just don't understand why am I not feeling better. And I one day looked at him and this was November 2016 and I just said, this isn't working.

And he was like, I agree. And so we very amicly broke up. He was awesome. At that day, I said, I'm done. I don't want to be numb anymore. And I cut three medications cold turkey. I quit smoking a pack of day of cigarettes that I had been smoking for five years. I cut sugar out of my diet, which if you know me, I'm a six-year-old at Luce in a grocery store. I have a serious sugar addiction. I went paleo. And I started doing yoga. The withdrawals were the craziest I have ever experienced. Like, I literally thought I was going fucking insane.

I had brain zaps. I had brain fog. I was super irritable. But I knew I needed to do this. I needed to peel back the banana layer and see what we were working with here and what was actually the underlying issues as opposed to constantly like putting a bandit on, you know, somebody that needs like fucking emergency surgery. And by doing that, I started to feel again. And I started to work out every single day. And I started to implement some anxiety management tools. And in that interim, I met my now ex, my narcissistic ex, who was my father. And he was super, he was an editor at men's health. and that's saying that might come back and bite me in the ass.

But anyways, he was a very special piece of shit. And we had a very tumultuous relationship. And in that interim is when I started to realize, like, that's where my anxiety was so heightened. And after we broke up, the first time, I went into therapy. And I was just like, I know that there's something wrong here. I know that there has to be more here. And my, around that time, that was May 2017. And my mom went to the doctor with a headache.

And she called me and they found six brain endurisms that corroded the top half of her vessel, and they gave her a three to five percent chance of even surviving, let alone being able to live a normal life. And they anticipated that she was going to die, or that she would be necked down paralyzed or have like every complication you could imagine. So my world literally crumbled because my mom, when I say she's my best friend, like, I talked to that woman 700 times a day. Like, we text all the time. We can't, like, that's my best friend. And I couldn't fathom it. So my career, my job told me it was job abandonment if I went home. So I told him to fuck off and I walked out, spent three months with my mom. Dad didn't even know how I was going to afford it.

And I just watched how her positivity. She refused to accept this fate. And she kept saying, I'm going to be fine. I don't know how I'm going to be fine. And she went through three failed surgeries. And at the time, I was trying to find a job. I couldn't find a career. I finally found one with a company. I got this super expensive apartment in Brooklyn. And I thought, okay, new life, new me. And I was in therapy. And I started to like start to feel a little bit better. And then mom went in for her final surgery. It created a coil that. that worked. And prior, like right before that, I had my, everything that I had built up had come crashing down. I had gotten a job. And the woman claimed that we had like lost all the money in the bank. All my

checks cap bounced. And I was on my ass. So when my mom went in for her surgery, I was like, I don't even know how I'm going to afford living in this apartment, let alone if my mom dies, like, what am I going to do? And I had started conceptualizing my clothing line that some of you guys don't even know that I own called software. And I wanted to do something different. And the day after her successful surgery, I started the company. And that's when I got back with my ex. And that's when the narcissist came back into my life. And that is when I started to go spiraling again. And when I say I was, that's actually when I started to redacted as well. And so I started to understand, oh, I'm anxious, he's avoided. And that should have been the first clue for me to abort mission,

but it wasn't. And we entered the relationship and it was probably the worst experience of my life, but the best decision I've ever made because it allowed me to hit a true. rock bottom to the point where when we broke up, he left me to go see his family and left me alone. Nobody knew. And I was literally, I was suicidal. I threw myself in front of a bus and my mom had to come to town and she literally picked me up off the floor and took me on the sidewalk. They put me on Prozac. I was again super depressed and it made me worse. And at that moment is when I remember looking at my mom saying, I've got to do something. I can't keep living this way. I am fucking miserable and I am haunted by my past. And I found a new therapist. And that's when I

joined Better Help, and I found an awesome therapist that started to do meditation with me and things like that. And she was actually the one that said, you know, let's talk about your childhood. And at the time, I knew consciously, okay, my dad was an asshole. All right, he did this and that. But come on, you know, why am I not feeling better? And I remember after about six months of therapy, just feeling like, I'm just not feeling any better. I'm not feeling any better. I don't understand what's going on. And a company reached out to me for ketamine treats. And I was like, I mean, sure, fuck it. Like, why not? I'll try it. And I did my first session because I struggled to, I was meditating, but I struggled to visualize. I struggled to connect with little me. I like couldn't see her. I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to see her. And I did my first ketamine treatment. And the thing about ketamine, a lot of you guys have asked, but unfortunately, my videos don't get circulated about this. But ketamine is a psychedelic. And when taken under a doctor supervision, it allows you to be able to go back to memories and you don't repeat, you don't relive the memories as if you were that child. again, that's hurting. You are like a spectator in a museum. So you're kind of walking around and you're

like, oh, shit. And I had a very strong intention before I started the treatment. I kept thinking, okay, what do I, where am I stuck? Where am I stuck? Where am I stuck? And my nephew came up to me in this. And he said, all right, Sasa, are you ready? And I was like, this is weird. And then it brought me back to my childhood home where I called at the House of Horrors, where I used to see all the shit transpire, where my brother was taken to his boarding school. My dad was at his worst. and I was literally stuck hiding in the attic, just listening on repeat. And I was like, oh, my fucking God, you're literally stuck here as a seven-year-old. And I remember after my ex and I broke up, every time I'd meditate, I would always tell my therapist, I see us as kids.

I was like, I always see little him, but I don't see the adult version. And after I started doing my ketamine treatments and reconnecting with little me, it dawned on me. Oh, right, that's because I'm at the emotional age of a seven-year-old. Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like Habinier, yes.

Save the everyday with Amazon. And so what does that mean? What does it mean to be stuck at a certain emotion? age. And after talking to my therapist extensively about this, what it essentially means is so from zero to seven is egocentric phase. And so from zero to seven, things that happen as a child, you interpret it as it's you. Now, as an adult, you're conscious and aware enough to go, okay, well, my father, you know, hitting us or walking out had nothing to do with us. That's his issues. That's his problems. But the six-year-old, the seven-year-old, that whatever, the child

that's experiencing this looks at it as, oh, it's my fault. It's because of me. It's because I'm not good enough. And 99% of the time when I work with a client, the number one issue, the number one thing I ask them is, what is the narrative that plays around your anxiety? Is it, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy because what it's really important is to see, well, where did you learn this from? And when you can start to identify, yeah, that's because when I was a kid, my father used to walk out on me all the time. And I always took it as there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't good enough. And once you can understand the root cause of the issue, which again, I say this as if it's like super easy to do. This took me three years to start implemented.

So I'm just telling you guys a very overarching view of this. But it was profound for me to start to connect the dots and realize, oh, shit, this is really where it came from. And so there's two parts to like the inner child work and doing this journey. So the first part is when you're feeling triggered. So whether you're anxious avoidant, it doesn't really matter. Either way, it's like one. So Masha explained this a really great way.

The anxious is perceiving that the threat is a tiger and the anxious is going to fight They're going to fight or flight. They're going to fucking, they're going to go and duke it until the end, whereas the avoidant lays their dead and hopes that the tiger will drop it and then the avoiding can run away. But at the end of the day, avoidant anxious, it's stemming from trauma. That is your trauma response. So when you are triggered, when your nervous system starts to get dysregulated, when you start to feel the ruminating thoughts, you are out of the, you are in anxious brain and nothing makes

sense. I equated to you, you are at the edge of a cliff and you're about to jump. Nothing anybody says to you is going to make any fucking sense. get you off the cliff, which is regulate you, so that we can then start doing some work. And the first thing for me was like learning how, like when I started this whole journey, was learning how to self-regulate. And so that could be a lot of people use the rubber band. So you put a rubber band around your wrist and you snap it.

And that helps you bring you back. Ice cubes. One of my clients does that. And a therapist had told me to do that. Grab ice cubes. Hold on to that. It brings you into the present moment. I don't care if you do jumping jacks.

I don't care if you go to the fucking gym. If you do yoga, you go for a walk. Anxiety is energy. And so when you are ruminating in thoughts and also comes along with this is self-awareness. You have to be able to call yourself out on this shit because nobody is in your brain with you. And there is no quick fix. There's no like, if you do this, all of a sudden, these thoughts go away. They might not.

You are talking about 30, 40, 50, however old you are, many years of conditioning, do you think it's just going to go away in a day? If you wanted a six-pack and I gave you the regimen, do you think just going to the gym for one, two, three days is going to get you that? No, you've got to go every fucking day and you've got to practice and you got to work that muscle. And so when it comes to even the dysregulation, it's about what I always suggest to my clients, like start journaling what those triggers are. Start journaling like, this person didn't text me. That was the trigger. Okay, what was the narrative that played? They don't want me. They're over me.

They've moved on for me. Okay, cool. And then the next step is, I've learned this in my DBT therapy, is put your thoughts on trial or challenge your thoughts. So if you're going into, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. Okay. So what are the facts to back this? up. All you have is that that person hasn't text you. Well, that's not enough. That's just the action. But you don't really know what's going on, right? Oh, yeah, that's true. Okay, where did this narrative come from when I was a kid? You know, I used to beg for attention from my parents and either maybe they were dismissive or maybe your parents gave you too much attention and smothered you and you feel like now it's owed to you. And so you'll act out when you don't get that. It can manifest

itself in different ways. Just because you didn't have a traumatic childhood doesn't mean that the way your parents acted to you didn't cause you to still act differently and have different traumas. For me, it was like, okay, so once you establish that, then as you start to challenge those thoughts, it's really important to start connecting dots. I feel really triggered because when I was a kid, my dad used to walk out on us all the time. And it made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that he was doing this because I was a bad kid. And so now as an adult, I'm feeling triggered because it's reminding me of those abandonment issues. You don't realize how much is connected to your childhood. You don't realize how much of your adult behavior.

stem from your childhood. And it's honestly shocking to me how many therapists won't do inner child work. And like even starting something as simple as like getting a meditation practice. Like I promote my friend Minaj has an app called Open and everybody gets a free month like because he's awesome and he gifted everybody. So the link on my stand store, you got a free month. Start meditating. Start being able to distance yourself between your thoughts and your feelings and your thoughts and being attaching to those thoughts and just watch them go by. Then you really want to start doing some inner child work. Even grab a photo. of you from a kid and start journaling like, what are you feeling? What's going on? Where do you

feel you're abandoned? Because what I don't think a lot of people realize is like you were abandoned as a child or you weren't given the right coping skills, but what do you think she or he is or they are feeling now in adulthood that you are abandoning them? So to reconnect with little you is the one of most beautiful practices. And what you're doing is you're learning to trust yourself again. You're learning that you are going to save you because Disney fucked things up for us. They made it like everything is external. Somebody else is going to come save you. Somebody else is going to fix you. Somebody else is going to do this when, nah, babe, it's you. You are the one that has to save you. You are the one that has to do this work. And you are the one that has to show up for yourself. And it starts by

reparenting Little You and reconnecting that relationship so that you can go back and say, little me, like I went back to Little Sabrina and it took her three times, three ketamine treatments for her to even talk to me because she so didn't trust me after I abandoned her too. and I left her in that house and I just, I was coming from that emotional age. I kept reacting from the seven-year-old that was being abandoned. She was perceiving everything as a danger. Everything was a tiger for her because that's growing up. Again, as a seven-year-old, you're not conscious enough to understand those things.

So you carry those emotional wounds with you into adulthood. Whereas an adult now, you can say, no, that's a stuffed animal. That's not an actual threat. You don't need to be so scared about this. But connecting the dots to that is super important. establishing your connection to little you by saying, I'm here now. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you like this because I trust me, I love me, and I am here to fucking save you. I am here to do what nobody did to you. I'm going to give you the love and the care that mom, dad, whoever, aunt, uncle,

grandma, whatever, didn't give you. And I am going to step up. And once you reconnect that relationship, I don't think you guys understand how fucking profound that is in your healing journey. Because once you do that, you start to trust yourself again. You start to trust yourself again. You start to to realize, oh, wait, I'm not being abandoned every time. Challenging your thoughts, starting to go in. And when you're starting to date somebody going, well, wait a minute, am I creating a narrative here? You get really good. The more you do it, the more you practice it, every single fucking day. As you continue to do this, you start getting really good at being able to call yourself out and say, I'm doing it again. And that's where the journaling is also super beneficial because you can start to track your

thoughts. You can start to track and say, here's a pattern. Every time I don't get a text, I go right back into this thought. And by at least being aware of that aspect, you can then start to undo a lot of it and say, okay, so I'm doing it again. Well, I don't want my past to impact my present and my future. I'm no longer going to allow that. So I need to reparent.

I need to figure out where the core wounds are. And I need to start reminding myself that I am worthy. Because oftentimes, like think about it. If you are constantly, like I had a client, And she's just like, I keep dating the same kind of person. And it's like because you are trying to reaffirm to little you that you are chosen. So by going after people like your parents, if you go, if you, like for me, I kept dating my father. And why did I keep dating my father?

Because I kept hoping that if I date a man that's like him and he chooses me, I could discredit little me and say, see, you were chosen. See, you are loved. See, somebody does want you. And instead what that was doing was it was reaffirming to her. See, you're not worthy. You're not pretty. You're not good enough.

That person doesn't want you. And that was because I was just, it was so familiar to me. Feeling dysregulated felt normal to me. Feeling the highs and lows and that constant anxiety. And it wasn't until I said, I'm getting the fuck off this ride. I'm done with this merry-go-round. I don't want to live this life anymore because I would get off the ride. You're nauseous and you're like, never doing this again.

And then you stop being sick and you're going, okay, well, maybe I'll just go on one more time. So what are you, the fucking definition of insanity, doing the same thing over expecting a different result? You think anything is going to change now? Cool. So now that we know about all of this inner child stuff, it's like, well, how are you going to implement it? Well, it's proper and not perfection. I think is the first thing to remember. It's not about going back and being like, all healed. I'm done. I'm good now. Thanks so much. No, it's a process. And that is also why boundaries are so fucking important to set when you start dating. You set the precedence and the tone. So if you want to protect little you and you want to make sure that she is not going to deal with this stuff, it's about you stepping in and being the fucking. adult that is going to take control and that is going to show her that she can trust and that you are there for her and that you aren't going to abandon her again. And you self-abandon every time you let boundaries down and let somebody else waver on them and do something that's for them. I talk about

self-abandonment all the time. And that means that if you have needs and you have something and you are not expressing those clearly to your partner or to the person that you're with and you are just going, well, if I say anything, they'll run away. So I'm just not going to say anything. First of all, where do you think that comes from? A child. A child that's going, well, but anytime I went to my parents for love, they snapped at me. So if I just don't say anything, it's safe. As opposed to, no, babe, I'm a grown-ass adult and I'm going to tell you how the fuck I feel. And if you walk away, well, then that means we didn't actually have the relationship or the connection that I thought we had. And then what you do is, instead of self-abandoning for somebody else and saying,

okay, I'm going to do this for them, you then every single time you hold onto your boundaries, you let little you know, I got you. I got your back. I know that people hurt you. And I know that it fucking sucked. And I know that you are struggling. But I am here. for you now. And it's constantly reaffirming that. Write a letter to little you. Start that way. Start journaling to her or to him or to they or to whoever. What's going on? Where are you hurting? Where have I left you? And even just write a letter, I think you're beautiful. I think you're amazing. I think you are so smart. And thank them. You have to remember, little you went into survival mode. little you did what they thought they had to do in order to get through things.

So little you needs to also be thanked for their work. Thank you so much for protecting me. Thank you so much for being there for me. But I now am going to step in. I no longer need you to do that. I know that what we went through, this was your defense mechanism. And I know that this got us through, but we're no longer there. And what's really important, what I did, I created a safe space for her.

So I took her out. Every time I'd see her in that house, I would say, you're coming with me and I would literally, like my therapist said, I would take a match and I would burn the house down and I would say, we're done with this. We're not going to be stuck there. And I would take her to my garden. And I created this beautiful garden. And it's where my grandmother who passed away goes. It's where my dog is. That's where I go to reconnect. So anytime when I go there in my meditation and I don't see her, I know, okay, she went back to the house. She went back to that. She went back to the old familiar. And I go back and I find her. And it becomes less and less,

but I sometimes will find her in the backyard. I'll find her in different places of the house just alone. just being in that fucking anxiety and in that sadness. And I will literally take her and say, it's time for you to come with me. We're not here anymore, babe. And I bring her back. And I re-parent her. And I just remind her, I'm here for you.

Imagine now you're talking to a child who's screaming crying and you're trying to explain to them, everything's okay. And it's such a beautiful practice. But again, it can't really start to do that until you figure out how to regulate yourself when you're triggered. Because being dysregulated is what's going to stop you from being able to connect. because that's little you screaming and sounding the alarm. So we got to calm that.

Thank little you for the work that they've done. And then go into the challenging of the thoughts and the re-parenting and things like that. I have seen profound effects. I have seen so many people. I can't even honestly talk about how many clients as we start to talk about this. Their response is, oh, fuck. I've been dating my mother or I've been dating my father. And it's like, yeah, because you keep trying to discredit little you.

But what you're actually doing is you're reaffirming it. you're letting them know that they're right, that you keep going. Why do you think people that are like going after emotionally unavailable partners? Because a part of them is in fact emotionally unavailable because they have to ask. You're not sitting with your own shit. Or why do you think a lot of people, it's like the projection. That's why I scream it from the rooftop. Stop focusing on other people and focus on yourself.

Instead of trying to figure out why someone's doing something or why someone's acting in a certain way or what. It doesn't fucking matter. Focus on yourself. You can only control you. So stop trying to control other people because oftentimes that is. also a childhood response. If you are used to that in your household where you were your parents therapist or you were always the one that had to find control and that's how you were able to function, what do you think manifests in adulthood and relationship? And then here's also the thing.

There's a lot of healing that can be done single, but there's also even more healing that can be done relationally. And I get a lot of people saying, well, I can't handle it. I'm good alone. And then when I be with somebody, I'm off the railings. And it's like, well, but then you're not actually good. you're tricking yourself into thinking that you're okay and you're putting again the bandage on the wound. But when you're with somebody, what do you think tech guy doesn't trigger the living fuck out of me? But what I do is I share with it to him.

We have the most incredible communication. That'll be another fucking episode on the podcast. But we have the most amazing communication and I'm open to him and I'll say, hey, I'm feeling really triggered right now. When you said that, it reminded me of childhood. And I felt very abandoned. And he'll say, wow, thank you so much for letting me know.

I needed to hear that. Because he wants to understand where I'm at. So it's totally okay. you don't want to fucking trauma dump. It's not about your next partner blaming everything on them, but it's totally acceptable and cool to let your partner know, hey, wow, that really triggered me, brought me right back to childhood. And I didn't like it. And I know that this is my stuff. And I know that this is my shit. But I would be doing myself and you a disservice if I wasn't honest with you and shared with you the impact that it has on me. Because little you couldn't speak up.

Little child, in able to, but the adult certainly can. And finding your voice, finding those boundaries and setting them, that is where. Because ultimately, at the day, what does this mean? It just means that your caregivers didn't teach you

the tools to be able to self-regulate or co-regulate. So now you have to do that yourself. And that is really, I think where a lot of the anxiety lies. It's because think about it. When you have the anxiety,

it's the narrative that plays. Start checking in on the narrative and going, okay, well, where did I learn that? Where did I learn that? I remember my sister and I did that. I was telling her, I'm so sick and tired of feeling like I'm too much.

Like I'm always too much around people. And she looked at me and said, where'd you learn that from? And it hit me and I was like, because dad, I said, dad never had space for our emotions. He would always hit us or scream at us or tell us to stop crying or get over it. I said, so of course I always felt too much. I felt like my emotions weren't safe. My emotions weren't well received.

And I said, and you as my sister and as my brother too, I said, you guys watched that. So you learned that behavior. And then to me, you started acting that way. And it was a whole, like, she was like, oh, shit, wow, you're right. I didn't even realize that. And that is that awareness. I'm getting so good at being able to connect the dots. It's almost scary.

But because I've been doing this for so long and I've been putting so much work into this, because I genuinely want to fucking become better. And what that also means is that you need to go back and see parts of yourself that are very uncomfortable, painful, and scary to do. This is not easier work. But if you really want to change your life and you want to feel more secure and you want to feel calmer, you have got to do this. It's not, you can go to every therapist, every dating coach, every love guru, you can watch

every video. It's not going to help you until you fucking do the work on yourself. So a place to start, try therapy. If therapy, if you're in therapy, tell you therapist, I want to do some inner child work. If they're not willing to, maybe look into a different therapist or somebody else that will supplement that. But with every client, because I even have some therapists that will send me clients of like, hey, yeah, I've done a lot of healing with them and their stuff, but I don't know how to connect

the dots. And that's kind of what I do is like, all right, so you know your childhood wounds, well, let's start figuring out what you're doing in your relationship. And more often than not, it's like, you're trying to just, you're trying to discredit those thoughts. And instead, what you're doing is you're reaffirming them and you're making your fucking anxiety and your shit and your stress even worse. Because why do you think they say healthy equals boring? No, no, no, no. Healthy equals calm nervous system. Healthy means, secure means that you are not constantly triggered every five seconds by somebody else's behavior. Because you know what that also means?

If you're not in control of your emotions, you are passing that control to somebody else. So if all it takes is someone texting you to change your entire mood, babe, we need to have a fucking hard stern talking because that's not secure. That's not healthy. That means that somebody else can dictate and determine your mood. That is a very scary prospect. So instead of allowing that, let's start working on it. Let's stop using this as an excuse and start using things as an explanation.

And reconnecting to little you is honestly one of the most beautiful journeys. It's going to be so painful. You might cry harder than I think you have ever experienced. But the freedom that comes with finally reconnecting with you and finally doing even sometimes like, so I love Barbies. That was like my thing growing up. I was the Barbie girl. Like you guys don't even realize the Do the Work podcast logo.

We're working on it right now. Guess what font I'm using. Hello. I love pink. I love all that. And for a while, I kind of numbed myself from that. And now when I want to reconnect to little me, I'll walk down the Barbie aisle at Target. I'll make it a point. I'll go to the toy store and just like live a little as a kid. And I'll even, I bought myself a cabbage patch doll because growing up, my dad wouldn't buy us one. He refused. He would do the, you get enough year round. He would push into our face that he took care of our basic necessities and that I should be grateful for him for that. And so now I treat my little me. And I say, you know what?

I know that that wasn't accessible to you when you were a kid, so now I'm going to be here for you. And now I'm going to take care of you. And now I'm going to treat you. And I'm going to do those things. Even little things like that is reconnecting to little you. And just making them feel seen her and understood. Because at the end of the day, those are the basic needs that we have. And once you start to do that and get really connected to how you feel, then you start to create your boundaries and non-negotiables list.

And as you go out there, you're holding this beautiful little gem in your hand saying, no one, no one is going to fucking hurt you again. and I'm going to make sure of that. Boundaries are set in place to make sure of that. And as you go out and date, we burn the checklist, as my brother says. We burn it. Get rid of it. The only list that you should have is how do you want to feel with them? What are your boundaries and what are your non-negotiables?

By doing that, you're protecting little you, but you're also protecting big you. And you are reaffirming the trust and you are letting her know that you have your back or he. So I know this is a lot of information. I know this is intense and it could be overwhelming. for some, but it's okay. It's progress, not perfection. Don't think that in one day this is going to happen. This is going to be a journey, but welcome to healing.

It's beautiful to have you here. So I hope that this was informative. I hope that you guys got as much information as you possibly can. Of course, we could keep going into depth in this, and we could keep having conversations about this. But to not overwhelm, I think the best place to start is to just do something. Hold a photo of you from when you were a kid and talk to yourself. See what comes up.

Grab a notebook right now and start writing yourself a letter. See what comes up. I can almost bet you it's going to be something that you probably didn't even understand. I had three clients this morning and each one of them when we started talking and I started to connect the dots to them in childhood, you got the, oh my God, I didn't even realize that. That's why I love what I do because I get to play detective and help figure out where are you stuck. So I thank you guys again for another beautiful episode. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for allowing me to share. need anything, you know that you can always contact me, you can book a one-on-one, you can join our group coaching sessions that we're now going to have every two weeks because it's such a beautiful

community. You can ask me a question directly on the link that's going to be in the show notes. Everything you ever need is in that link. And I'm just so excited to hear how this journey goes for you. And please leave a comment and let me know. If you think it's worth five stars, feel free to give it to us. And if not, that's totally okay. I respect it, whatever. But I'm always here for your feedback and always here to make sure that I'm giving you some valuable information. So thank you again for another beautiful episode. And until next week, all, love you, thank you, and continue to do the work.