The Sabrina Zohar Show - 100: Imposter Syndrome, Self doubt, and Why You Need To Bet On Yourself.

Episode Date: October 4, 2024

In a special 100th episode, Sabrina dives into imposter syndrome, surrendering to the process, and the importance of betting on yourself. She shares her personal journey of hitting rock bottom and realizing she wasn’t taking control of her life, focusing too much on external validation.  Sabrina discusses how imposter syndrome, often rooted in perfectionism and fear of rejection, can hinder progress. She stresses the importance of self-compassion and setting personal goals. Sabrina emphasizes the need to show your true self, rather than pretending to be what others expect.  Mindfulness and meditation can aid in managing thoughts and reducing anxiety, allowing individuals to return to themselves. By cultivating self-efficacy, setting small goals, and using affirmations, Sabrina talks about betting on yourself and taking risks, no matter how small, trusting that you already have the internal tools to achieve your goals. Ultimately, the journey is about how you navigate challenges, not avoid them, and recognizing that every experience shapes who you are today. Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's gofundme.com. Gofundme.com. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. You guys, do you know what today is? It's the 100th fucking episode. Holy shit, you guys, we did it.

That's not enough fanfare. Oh, my. You guys, happy 100, babes. For anybody that's listening and not watching right now on YouTube, I just got a cake from Tech Guy. we are celebrating the milestones because holy shit, you guys, we did this together. Without you guys, where would I be? Right? And so I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you, to say thank you for trusting me and believing in me and allowing me to help guide you guys and support you and be there.

And thank you for allowing me to show up as myself and accepting me for who I am so that I could do the same with you as well. Guys, today is going to be a special episode. We're going to talk about imposter syndrome, surrendering to the process, and why betting on? yourself is so goddamn fucking important because if I didn't do that, I wouldn't be sitting in front of you guys, and that's a real reality for me. And guys, I just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the support. Thank you for the community. Thank you for everyone that shows up every week. And if you don't show up every week, thank you for showing up in general. It literally means the world. Guys, as always, please, please, do not forget. Just share an episode with a friend and

just rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple, Amazon, wherever you listen, YouTube. Please just let the world know let your friends know that this show exists if it helps you. And you know what we'd love? Leave a comment. Leave a comment on this episode, whether it would be Spotify, on Apple, on wherever you're listening on YouTube. And I'd love to know what have you found out about yourself that's been impactful while being part of this community? Or what is your favorite episode? Just give me something, even if it's just how you've grown and what awareness is you've made. I just want to know how I can continue to support you. And let's celebrate in your wins as well. It's not just about mine. So guys, again, if you need anything, it'll all be in the link in the show notes.

If you guys want to join the foundation course, the breakup course, they're amazing. They're self-guided and you have them for life. And they've been really, really such a beautiful community for us to grow. And if you guys, again, need anything, link in show notes. You have some free guides. There's some stuff that you can check out. And regardless, you're a part of the community and you're part of the family. So we're always here to support you. And don't forget, follow along on the socials if you want more. And we're going to get this fucking party started. So without further ado, let's get right on. into it, shall we? Hey, babes. Oh, I still, like, pinch me. I still feel like I'm dreaming that.

We have been, we've been through 100 episodes together. It's so crazy, guys. I remember, like, even just starting my TikTok, God, it feels like, you know what it feels like forever ago, but also not that long ago? And, you know, we're going to get vulnerable in today's episode. I've got studies, of course, as you guys know, that's why I have my handy-dandy iPad is because I actually want to quantify. Everything that I say to you guys is, is really important for me to find the psychology around it, the studies around it, and the reasoning behind it. Because it's easy to just be like, you know, okay, like, when I hear half the shit on the internet, all the clickbait of like, do this, you're like, back it up, back it up with some

studies, quantify the data for me. And that's really big for me because we want to see change, right? But then it actually needs to be a strategic change. It's not just throwing pasta up against the wall. And so I think, you know, I kind of wanted to start a little bit here of like, where we started, right? I remember, I remember 2022 when Shark Tank sent me home and I was in a deep, deep depression. And my company, you know, software was rocky. Running a business by yourself in a very, very, very tough market is one of the hardest things that you could do. And at the time, I really felt helpless. I did. And I just, I did not know which way was up. And all I kept thinking was like, I don't know what else to do with myself. Like, I so badly want to help people. And that's why I thought

with software I was, you know, like the emails I would get from people, cancer patients or anyone in the hospital saying, I've never felt anything so incredible or during COVID people saying it feels like I'm being hugged and I just needed that feeling. And so I, I, for me, anytime I've worked in a company or had a business, it's really important that I actually am able to help people. And when Chuck Tank sent me home, like, I really thought that was it, right? And I remember doing my Joe to spend some meditation on set and being like, I can see it. I can see it. And it's like, it's interesting because I think I really wanted that to happen. You know, like I wanted the opportunity to show everyone but also myself that I could do that. And when they sent me home, I didn't understand

the bigger picture, right? I didn't get it. I went home crying hysterically. And I remember in hindsight, so 2020, this guy had one day with, he just so happened to contact me to ask me how it went. And he called me. And honestly, his call is what caused me to not hurt myself or do anything that night because I felt so alone and so alienated. I hated my life at the time, like where I was in life. I was 31, I'm almost 32. I, or I was 32, the fuck I'm not trying to kid. I'm 32. I'm single. I am broke. I am trying to get this company bigger and bigger. And it's really, really fucking tough. And the one opportunity I thought I had was gone. And that was that conversation that we had changed everything for me because that person reminded me that have so many

other gifts and so many other talents besides just creating a clothing line. And then when Clemboni passed away, even a month later, which is also just can I share it, that's actually for anyone watching, that's why I'm wearing this shirt right now, is because this was my favorite shirt to wear when I would walk Clemmy and my favorite outfit. And I really wanted to tap into him today. Because without his death, I don't think I'd be here, truthfully, because I wasn't making moves. I wasn't changing, who here we go, the waterworks. I wasn't changing things about my life and I was not taking control of my life. I was in such a victim mode for so many fucking years, thinking that I remember telling my sister,

you'll just never get it, Jamie. You'll never get it. And it's like, she wasn't wrong when she said I was the common denominator because I was allowing bullshit and I was focusing on stupid things. And I was focusing on external validation or fueling me. And so when 2022 happened and I really changed the way I dated and I really started to change the way I approached things. And even with this, I remember like after that conversation with the guy just being like, no, I need to do something different. I have to do something with my voice.

And that's when I started to talk. And I started saying, you know, fuck it. Let me give it a try. And I remember my friend being like, whoa, if you grow, I got like, you know, 100 followers in a day. And she's like, if you grow at this rate, you'll be at 3,000 by the end of the month. And so I was like, oh, my God. I was at like, oh, 40K by the end of the month. And I remember just sitting there being like, holy shit, how is this even real?

And I wasn't worried about what I was going to lose. What else did I have to lose? And by doing that and surrendering to the process and just being like, fuck it, I might as well, right? Like bet on myself. Well, fast forward to two years, almost exact to this date. And here we are. And it took a lot of sacrifices. And you know what?

Here's the harsh reality. It took a lot of letting go. I had to let go of the, I had to grieve the future I thought I was going to have as the business owner of software, that it was going to be this Fortune 500 company and it was going to be the next Nike and it was like, that didn't happen. I'm in the process of selling it right now because as much as I love that brand, I'm just, I'm at capacity, right? Like I've had an entirely new career that I'm focusing on. I'm writing a book. I'm exploring to TV opportunities and it's like never in my wildest dreams. Actually, I wanted to share a story with you guys. When I was 2019, I moved to. New York, like two days after my birthday. And I wanted to be an actor. That was my dream. And I think I just really wanted people to respect me and for me to have a way that people would listen. I just

didn't really resonate with being something that wasn't myself. And I submitted headshots to every agency. And there was one specific agency, the biggest agency in the world. And of course, they kept saying no. And I remember sitting there being like, then this isn't your path. Don't fight it. And that's when I went into fashion. And then that's when I started software. And by starting where I started doing podcasts and panels and then by doing, right, everything had a path, going to acting school and doing improv classes and doing all that. And this is also to go back of like, don't regret decisions that you've made in the past that have formed you into the person that you are. If I hadn't gone to acting school, I may not have known how to be on camera.

And if I hadn't worked in fashion, I wouldn't know how to run a business and I wouldn't know what works for me and what didn't. And had I not hit rock bottom and married my ex and done, if I hadn't lived the life that I lived, I wouldn't be living the life I currently am living. Now, that doesn't mean I'm like grateful for the abuse in childhood, but that also means that I'm grateful that these experiences shaped me into the person that I am. Because I could kick and scream and say, well, why me? Or I can say, yo, pony the fuck up, Zohar. You are given a gift of another day on earth.

So let's maximize what we can do in that day, even if that means resting, even if that means just taking time for yourself. But anyways, back to my story. And I got rejected by every agency. And then yesterday, the biggest agency in the world reached out to me about the book, saying that they wanted to represent me. And you know it was crazy? I got to write them an email and say, thank you so much, but we're already in the process of that. And I already have someone I'm working with, another, my agency currently, UTA, that is the biggest agency in the world.

And the Sabrina from 19, when I tapped into her yesterday, she couldn't believe it. Because all she kept thinking was, but I thought we weren't good enough. I thought that nobody knew who we were and no one was seeing us. And what I had to remind her was, baby girl, that was then. That was then because that wasn't your path. That was not what you were meant to do. You were not meant to be an actor. You were meant to be yourself and help people.

And that's where we get to be now. And when I started, I had limiting beliefs. When I started this podcast, I bought a phallic-looking mic on Amazon for $90. And that was a splurge for me, y'all. I did not have $90 to spend. but so many of you guys were writing it on TikTok and saying, please start a podcast. I want to listen to more of what you have to say. And I remember my first thought was,

nobody's going to give a shit about what I have to say. And that's called a limiting belief because I was raised in a household where my voice did not matter. And I was raised in a household where my voice did not hold any uniqueness. We had to just, the voice that you were allowed to have was to agree with what your parents were saying. And so I really kind of wanted to just, share a little bit of that real vulnerability of like, yeah, I didn't know at the time that that, that this was going to happen. Do you think I thought that one, I was going to meet my partner and that I was going to grow this business and grow one of the most incredible fucking communities I've personally

ever been part of, let alone have started, and have one of the most incredible podcasts that I've ever personally been part of. And we've had the ups and downs, right? We've ridden the waves. Some days I'm number four on the charts and then some days you're number 10. And it's like with all of those, we did it. And I had no idea then, but you know what I did know? I knew that I had to bet on myself. I knew that it was so important for me to stop and say, you know what, Sabrina? I believe that you could do this. I don't know that you can, but I believe that you can. And I believe that I can see it. And the reason that it became so clear as my vision, like, I remember this entire room. I envisioned this. And not in the sense where I was like, it has to look like this. But I remember just dreaming about this podcast room that I was going to have. And that's the true manifestation.

It's not that you just have a vision board, but then you sit at home all day and you literally don't do a fucking thing. And you're just like, oh, but when's it going to show up at my door? When you manifest and you really create this future that you want, it's about seeing it mentally how you would like it to play out, but then also believing it. And then you take the steps along the way to achieve it. That's the beauty of actually manifesting the life that you fucking deserve, that you actually have to believe it, though.

And you have to truly, because you will see it when you believe it. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. I remember y'all, when I started, I had imposter syndrome.

Now, what is imposter syndrome? So, the imposter syndrome phenomena was a study, a psychological self-evaluation process by Pauline Clantz, and this was developed in 1985. So the finding was imposter syndrome is often rooted in perfectionism and a fear of failure. So what's really important here is to recognize the connection between perfectionism and imposter syndrome, and that can help you challenge your unrealistic views. And so for me personally, when I started all this, I just kept saying, who gives a shit about me? No one wants to hear me talk. Who cares about me? As I was scared. I was terrified of being rejected. And this was the reality

actually being rejected, because what is the definition of rejection is to be ridiculed and judged for who you are? And I know so many of you guys have experienced that in dating, but we have to also peel back the layers and say, but does that hold any weight? Right? I remember when I first started, I was like, I'm scared, I'm scared. But at the same time, I was like, but what do you have to lose? And I remember the first video that ever went viral, I got fucking attacked by trolls, ripped a new one. And I at that point, I was like, I'm never doing this again. And I remember after a few days, I was like, yes, you are. You are, because your voice matters. And I am not going to let negative trolls fucking dictate that. And I'm so glad I didn't. But when it comes to,

to imposter syndrome. It's so important to practice self-compassion and set realistic goals, right? Because at the end of the day, if you feel like a fraud, well, then we need to expose you to more people. Like, here's a reality. I don't have a doctorate. I don't have a degree. I have people every day try to shit on me and be like, you didn't get a third degree. And it's like, no, but you know what I did get? Life experience. And you know what I do? I do have is a fucking brain. and I can study all of these things on my own time and understand these concepts and materials because I lived it and I'm actually implementing it. And that's the beautiful aspect. And I would be lying to you guys if I said that I still don't have imposter syndrome. I do. Every day, I go on

internet and be like, what's the point of posting this video? It doesn't get seen. It gets, you know, 50,000 blaze on TikTok. It gets like 2,000. And it breaks your heart. And those are moments where I'm like, oh, and I'll stop and say, hey, that's little me. She's really scared right now that she's not going to be able to maintain this or that we're not going to be able to help people or, oh my God, am I going to be found out? And it's like, found out for what? Right. Like, you guys know more about my life than I probably do. And that's, but it's normal. And we have to remember that when it comes to dating. This isn't just about your career, but you notice how the same fears manifest between your career, between your friends, between your relationships, because I think a lot of

people of that misconception of I'm only anxious and I only have anxiety or avoidance when it comes to relationships. And it's like, that might be the first place you notice it because it's the most triggered that you're going to be because it's the closest mimic to your caregivers. But that's not the first place that it manifests. And I was like that in my working environments and in my relationships. But I remember when I met Ryan, just telling myself consistently like, it is totally valid that you're nervous and scared about exploring a relationship with this person. But it's also important to remember that unless you show who you are, it's going to be really hard for someone to accept you for who you are. And it's the same when it comes to the content in the career that I've

built. When I get a negative comment that literally it hurts me, like, I read every comment that people leave on Apple. And when people leave a one-star review being like, I don't like how fast she talks, and you're like, okay, so let me change who I am to make you more fucking comfortable, right? Like, that's the alternative, right? If you're an imposter syndrome, then it's like, oh, let me just be what everybody wants me to be. And it's like, but then how are you actually being yourself? And how are you actually allowing people to love you for who you are? So what you're telling me when you do that is you're rejecting yourself. When you're trying to be somebody that you're not and change and morph and do, well, then you're not actually accepting who you are because when you accept who you are,

you want to apologetically show up as who you are. And when you're in the dating landscape, it's really fucking important to allow people to make a decision on you based on who you actually are and not who you're pretending to be. Welcome to the work that I do. That I personally implement every single day, that there are days when business is slow and you get scared and you're like, oh, God, how am I going to do all this? But then I remember who the fuck I am. And I remember that when there's adversity, that's just an opportunity for me to grow and learn and evolve and finally bet on myself. And so I think it's so important to stop comparing yourself. I actually did. There's one creator and she's fucking awesome. It's by no means is there anything negative.

And her shit's blowing up every video. I'm like, How does I have nine million plays? Like I make the same thing. And I started to compare myself. And I realized I was given way too much mental real estate to this entire situation. So you know what I did? I muted this person. I muted them not because they did anything wrong,

but because I found myself on a loop and I was comparing myself. It wasn't necessary. And I will unmute this person when I feel better about myself. Because what that showed me was I don't need to try to become that person. What I look at is how can I grow from this? I'm a human like anybody else. And other things impact me too. And so that's also what I want to normalize.

It's like when I see this fucking bullshit content of like a secure man is going to heal your anxious attachment. It's like, who lied to you and told you that? No one is going to heal your anxious attachment style or any of your avoidance, any attachment style besides fucking you. And the more that you wait for someone else to come in and do it, oh, I just need to meet someone secure, then I'll be good. That's a fallacy.

because at the end of the day, all someone secure is going to do is create a safe space for you to explore how you're feeling and what's coming up for you. Ain't shit that I'm going to be doing as a secure person to heal my partner's avoidance or anxiety. But what I do is I listen and I create a safe space for them to feel like they can actually go against the grain of their core beliefs thinking that it's not safe and actually realize that it is. That it is safe to communicate. It is safe to express themselves. It is safe for them to come to me.

That's all I can do. So ain't no one going to heal your shit for you. But now you get to do that for yourself. And that's what I do every day. I envision little me on the floor crying saying no one's going to come get me. And I go back and I get her. And I'll just even close my eyes sometimes on a walk and I'll see myself holding her, knowing that I am supported internally and that anything she says is fucking valid

because that little girl is scared and that little girl has every right to have been scared because she went through a lot of shit. And that's the compassion. that we have to cultivate. When you're dating and work, triggered by a friend, please stop just bringing yourself down because you're a human who had a human emotion. And that's totally okay. If you start to feel that way, I want to ask, where did I learn this from? Where did I learn this behavior from that I have to attack myself? Or that everything is my fault? Or that nobody wants me because there's something wrong with me. Where did you learn that from? And that might not be a

direct, oh, the guy I dated when I was 20 or the girl I dated or the they I dated, it might not be. It might be shit. I felt that when I was four and my parents were having fights all the time and I constantly felt like, why is no one seeing me? Right? Like, it could be an amalgamation of things, but it's important to know thyself and to understand where these things are coming from and to also be cognizant and aware that how you speak to yourself. There was just a study that came out. A recent study came out to show that your brain cannot differentiate between a thought and in a actual action happening, meaning that when you're disregulated and you're in this spiral and this fear and you have this rumination, your brain thinks it's actually happening. And that's why your body starts to feel like it's dysregulated. You're going to die because we cannot differentiate between what's a real threat and what's not in our brain. And that's why the way we speak to ourselves is so fucking important. That video I did of, what if I told you in six to eight months, the amount of people that were like, that's delusion. It's like, no, that's called a mindset shift. I'm not saying to kid yourself and be like, that's it.

I'm meeting them in six months. No, no shit. None of us have a fucking crystal ball. But what it is important here is taking control of your mindset and saying, I can choose to think that I won't, but I can also choose to think that I will. And anytime I realize that I don't, like I don't believe that I can do something, then I have to look and go, but who taught me that? Because I know that little me does believe that she could do it. She always has, but she had other people letting her know that she couldn't. And so she started to believe that.

And that's really how we start to fight through that imposter syndrome. And so honestly, I've learned about myself. I've learned about so much. But what I ultimately learned between dating and relational, I apologize. Between the dating landscape and this, what I've learned is you got to fucking learn how to surrender. Surrendering is it's so hard. And I am not going to try to bullshit you. But we get to choose our hard.

And I'm actually really tired of hearing like easier said than done. It's like, I'm sorry, that's like me being like, you build a business that will make you a million dollars a year. Well, easier said than done. It's like, I don't remember who told you that this was easy. I don't know whoever said that healing and being in a relationship and growing and evolving as a human was easy. It's not.

And I need to, let's cut the shit right now and stop pretending like it is. Oh, just do this and you'll be fine. Then really tell me, how you feeling? When you listen to all this clickbait, when you listen to all these people who are just telling you nonsense, how does that make you feel? I'm waiting. Here we are, aren't we? It's probably not that great.

And so there was a study done in 2011. Towards a unified treatment for emotional disorder in the Journal of Clinical Psychology. So the study shows that individuals who engage in surrendering practices, such as releasing the need for control over external events, experienced greater emotional well-being and decreased anxiety. So learning to let go of control fosters emotional flexiase. flexibility and resilience. So you know how we always talk about when Masha's on and we talk about the nervous system that the nervous system, the goal is not for you to always be regulated. That's just ridiculous. That's like being like, oh, you're always happy. You're always calm. It's like, I'm sorry,

aren't you a human? There's going to be a lot of things that are going to trigger you and threaten you. The goal is a flexible nervous system. If you guys remember, now you see how we build on? You listen to the episodes and we build, right? Remember the one that we did of releasing control of the outcome and and trying to like sit in the discomfort, that's inclusive here. You know, how many times I can't tell you, like, I'll be super uncomfortable, whether it be my partner, right? Like, you don't know where you stand and you're like, this is so uncomfortable. Actually, somebody had written in recently and said, this person that she was seeing,

like, he said he was going to call her and he didn't. And he, like, he was said, he was like, I'll call you at some point in the day. And he just, like, didn't call her until later because he was, like, doing a bunch that day. And she blew his phone up. Blew it up. And then, of course, it's like the person said, like, hey, I just wasn't by my phone. when I was working all day and then ended up breaking it off with her after one date. And I remember this was like about six months or a year ago.

And she came back and she was crying hysterically. And I said, I was like, you couldn't just sit in it, man. You couldn't just surrender and say, hey, whatever's going to. And here's the thing. I used to do that. I used to be the girl. Oh, my God. I remember this one guy I dated.

And I remember when he broke it off with me. And we probably dated for like two months. And he was lovely, but in truth be told, like I, we reconnected years. later and I was not into him. But at the time, I wanted to convince myself that I was. And I lost my shit. I texted him no joke probably like 150 times and was just begging him to accept me. And like, I didn't even want him. I just was so scared that somebody was not accepting me and contusing me that I was going to do anything that could control the outside. And we look at that and like sometimes in work that couldn't look like micromanaging,

right? Not allowing someone to do their job and doing it for them. Same in relationships, trying to control the outcome. And when we learn to surrender and just say, hey, I can't control this. You're right. I have no control over anything that's happening right now. My mama will ask me that sometimes. And we'll do, we do like letting go practices and like exercises. And so I actually wrote this down.

So here's what you're going to do. Try listing situations where you feel you need control, then practice consciously stepping back. So for example, if you're anxious about an outcome, I want you to remind yourself, I can only control my actions, not the result. So when you pair that with something like muscle relaxation or doing some kind of breath work or a walk, something to regulate, something to tense. I love doing full body tensing. And so anybody that's watching will see it.

But if you're listening, where you literally tense, tense, tense, and then release. And all of a sudden, you're like, oh, that feels a lot better. I love to ask myself, what do I have control in the situation? You know, like, for instance, I post on social, the video bombs. Okay, what do I have control here? Well, I can't control the algorithm. I can't control what people want to see, but you know what? I can control maybe the quality of my video, maybe the cadence, maybe the topic, right? So I look and say, well, I'm not going to get frustrated

and constantly look and say, well, the algorithm and blah, blah, blah. I can't control that. So why am I going to waste my time on that? Instead, I'm going to say, let's get back to the drawing board. How can we improve? What can we do? Solution oriented in my control. So when you're dating, why didn't this person ask me out on a second date? Why didn't this person ask me out this? Why didn't they do this? Learn to surrender and say, I cannot control somebody else. I can only control myself.

And if this person does not want to go out, is not have the bandwidth to have a conversation with me, is not interested in a relationship like I am, stop trying to convince them otherwise. And instead, hold yourself accountable to saying, I can't control you. I can only control myself. And that includes making decisions for myself.

That is how you surrender. So it's the same in dating. Like when I dated Ryan, I remember going out and going, I don't know what's, going to happen here. He's cute. We'll go out when we hooked up. I was like, hey, I can't control if he's going to not want to contact me. I can't control anything here. All I can control is how I react and respond to this person. And I really sat in the discomfort and I really challenged myself with

the texting stuff. And I was like, hey, you're good, dude. You are okay because this person is being consistent and reciprocal. And you have needs that you can be met by your friends and by texting other people. And now I don't even, I hate fucking hate texting. It's so funny how the pendulum has swung because I'm not as anxious towards it anymore. I'm not seeking validation out of it. So of course it becomes a thing where you're like, I don't need this anymore. But it's so important to learn, I got to just, I got to let it go. And it's the same with breakups. If somebody has ended it with you, stop trying to fucking force something to work. You're trying to rebuild a building holding ashes of what the building that was there prior left. And the important

aspect here is find a new plot of fucking land to build on and stop trying to make things something that they're not because you do not have control. And I understand if you grew up in a household where you didn't have options and choices, hello, nice to meet you, then you want that perception of control. I can control the outcome here. If I just do this and I do this and I play the chess piece, then I can get them to do what I want. And that's called manipulation. That's why people, people please. It could be a fear of rejection, a fear of abandonment. They want to be liked. They want to be accepted. And they're scared to say no because, oh, if I say no, they're going to leave me. If I say, no, they're not going to like me.

If I say no, they're going to have a thought about me. It was the fucking ghosting video I did. Someone said, I would be terrified to say this. I don't want to scare them. And it's like, I'm sorry. You're so focused on the other person. But yet, what about you? What about you?

And what you want to need? Isn't that important too? So let's maybe try to implement some shit, right? Let's try some tools here. Let's start to see, guys. It's not going to happen overnight. I'm tired of hearing, like, well, I tried that. It's like, oh, I'm sorry, once.

You know, I didn't get a six-pack because I went to the gym once. I go consistently every fucking day. I push through, but I believe in myself. And I grow through discomfort. Oh, God, my trainer today is forcing, not forcing me, challenging me to do cardio. When I say I hate cardio, I hate cardio, like with a passion. I have asthma, it's a whole thing. And I am so grateful that I have this opportunity to do this work with him.

Because you know what I've been doing? I've been challenging myself and pushing myself to do cardio and then work on my breath. And so he helps me to balance. Okay, you did a minute and a half of work. We need to balance your breath in a minute and a half. The whole time of hyperventilating. And instead now I'm learning how to breathe properly. I'm learning how to do uncomfortable things and I'm learning how to sit in that discomfort of I'm about to die. No, you're not, Sabrina. You're okay and you're going to get through this. And then you come out the other side and you're like, yeah, I'm good. I'm not scared anymore of going and doing all this stuff because I know what I need to do. You grow through what you go through. So stop trying to avoid uncomfortable situations and maybe use that as an opportunity to grow. So I wanted to also talk about things I've changed my mind on. Some of you might not know. One of my first videos I made, it makes me cringe. If he wanted to, he would. I did.

I did. I'm not going to lie. The first video I made was if you wanted to, he would because I remember looking, and the box theory, I remember looking at all these creators and being like, well, what they do is working, so like, let me do it. And then I remember even making the video and being like, I don't know that I resonate with this, but I just so badly was like, let me just be accepted, right? Let me do what other people are doing.

And then I remember as I started to evolve and learn, and I was like, and then that's when I started dating Ryan, I was like, well, that's nothing to do we want, right? Like, that's when I started to understand it's bandwidth. And I evolved. And I get to evolve as well. The girl that I started at isn't the girl that I am. And God, that's the best news, huh? Could you imagine if I was the same?

Could you imagine if I just never evolved, you never evolved? You just always dated the same people, right? You can't just change. There's no evolution. So I think it's really important to understand. And I wrote a list down. The first stuff is acceptance. Acknowledge anxiety without trying to resist it, right? So can you ground yourself? Can we hold some compassion here and be like, okay, so I'm anxious? And then just leave it at that.

I don't need the narrative, but I'm fucking, I'm so crazy. Why am I doing this? I wish I didn't. That's it. Anxiety, the root under that is fear. Okay, what am I scared of? How can I just accept who I am? Yeah, I have more anxiety than the average person. I'm not uncomfortable by that. If you're uncomfortable by my anxiety, well, that's a you thing. But I accept myself, right? And then we want to expose you to uncertainty. So gradually increasing your tolerance, right, that window of tolerance that we talk about,

that flexible nervous system, doing things. That's why when people say, you know, when they'll write in and be like, I hate dating apps. They just make me uncomfortable. I don't want to do it. And Ryan's like, stop trying to avoid things that are uncomfortable. I don't like, again, I don't like doing cardio. I'm not just going to be like, well, I don't want to. It's like, well, but I have goals to get to.

So I'm going to have to push through the shit that I don't necessarily want to do to get to the other side. I want to grow and be the best version of myself. And that's going to include exposing myself to things, right? And so if you're right now, you're dating somebody and you're feeling so fucking unsure and you don't know and you don't know. Maybe we could just sit in that feeling. I'm not saying ruminate and spiral in that feeling. Sit in that feeling of I don't know. I don't. And I will get clarity. Whether that be I give the clarity or I receive it from them,

there will be clarity. But I can't control this. Right? And I'm going to sit. And also you can do it, you can journal. Journaling actually activates a different part of your brain than the phone does. So journal, pen to paper and write down the uncertainty, write down how you're feeling, and then also write down how you're able to move through it. We've all done hard things and gotten through it. How do you think you're here today? We just choose our hard. The moment you've been waiting for is here. GMC's truck month is on. For a limited time, get 0% financing for 72 months on the 26 GMC Sierra 1500 crew cab pro graphite. Feel the strength of GMC Sierra's 5.3-liter V8 engine.

Elevate your confidence with a factory 2-inch lift and off-road suspension. Ready for whatever lies ahead. Power, capability, confidence, all at 0% during GMC's truck month. Don't wait. Visit your local GMC dealer today and make it yours. Mindfulness is really important. And whether that be two minutes of meditating, I don't care, whether that be a couple of mantras, just doing something to stay present.

It helps to reduce anxiety over time because, I mean, meditation was huge for me, really, really massive because it allowed me to sit with my thoughts and not be so scared of them. And I know that people hear like, oh, come on, meditation and journaling and therapy, really? It's like, yeah, really. That's what I did for years. And it really does help because sometimes you just just. need to get it out and you're like, oh my God, I'm going to go crazy if I don't write this down.

And sometimes you're like, I am freaking, I need to do some breathwork. I just need to come back home to myself. It's really important to do that. And then please don't forget, have some fucking self-compassion for yourself. Right? It's okay to let go of control for things and to acknowledge this is uncomfortable. Why do you need to shame and blame that little version of you that's scared? Right?

Remember, everything you say to yourself is what you ultimately believe. And so you think if I didn't. actually believe in myself that I wouldn't be here. Well, how do you think that's going to happen? Right? Because if I don't believe in myself, then why would you believe in me? That sounds like a farce. And so when it comes to dealing with these limiting beliefs and truly betting on yourself, right? There was a study done in 97, the self-efficacy, the exercise of control in the psychological review. So Bandura works on self-efficacy and that self-efficacy is the belief in one's ability to succeed. and that shows that those who bet on themselves by believing in their ability to achieve their goals

are more likely to take challenges and persist through. So notice how like you look at all those stories, these success stories, and 99.9% of them start with like, I was homeless and I had nothing. I was in adversity. I didn't know where the fuck I was going to be. I lost a lot of money and then I made money. How often do you hear like, I don't know, I didn't have any adversity? I just became really wealthy and everything has always been amazing and I have no issues, right?

So like true success is measured in how can I get through things, not around them. And so to build, like a tool here is to build self-efficacy by setting small achievable goals and celebrating progress like Britt Frank always says in the science of stuck. Make them so small, it's almost insulting. Right. So like if you want to go on a walk every day, but you don't even fucking get off the couch, well then don't just get off, don't go from laying on the couch all day to then all of a sudden walking 10 miles. maybe start with putting your shoes by the door for a day. And that's it. And then the next day you add your socks. And that's it. And then maybe the day after that you put your socks on. And that's it. And then maybe the day after that you put your socks and your shoes on. And that's it. Because what we're doing is we're doing small bite sized things that almost sound insulting that you're like, really, Sabrina? Yes. Because you want to start so small that you start to build a trust within yourself of, look, I did it. Whoa. I was scared to get off the couch and even fucking move. I was scared to do to get on that dating.

app. Like one of my clients, she's, she's been very anxious about the apps. And she has a lot of fear. And we've been, we've been working through a lot of the inner child work. And so her goal, I said, in the next two weeks, I don't even want you necessarily answering a message. The second she opens the app, she's anxious. And I said, okay, well, we have a lot of work that we need to do here then. And that's okay. And we start to see day over day. She's like, yeah, this is feeling I can do this. And then search to mount, mount, mount. And you're like, fuck, yeah, I could do this. Small step. Listen, the only way, well, only way forward, right, one foot in front of the other. And so you can do affirmations as well.

Like, I am capable of this. I am worthy of doing this. I believe in myself. I know that I can do this. I am deserving of love. Whatever it is. And not just saying it and be like, okay, fine, yeah, you're fine.

I deserve it. It's like, do you believe that? How do you speak to yourself? It's always funny whenever I ask clients, like, what would you need to hear? And they're like, you're fine. Everything's okay. Just stop being anxious.

And it's like, oh, yeah, that's supportive. That's going to get you where you want to go. versus I totally understand how this can be really anxiety-inducing, and I'm really, really proud of myself for still challenging myself and pushing through. Maybe we could reframe some things and maybe start to visualize. Not visualize what this person is to look like. Like for me, I don't visualize like, oh, I'm going to be on this TV show and my podcast is going to do this.

What I do is I see just the number in my head of like number five on the podcast charts and I just see how is that going to make me feel accomplished? deserving, really, really fucking calm. And my goal was achieved. And if I don't hit number five, that's okay. I'm okay with that. But I visualize what is the freedom I'm going to have if I hit number five? Oh, financial freedom, right? Respect. Opportunities. What does it represent? So you want a relationship. I don't want you to see this person in your third eye and be like, they're this height and this weight and this color. No. But what I want you to look at is how am I going to feel when I'm with this person. Wow, they listen to me. They validate my emotions. They create space for me.

They allow me to be authentically myself. They don't judge me for who I am. They call, they tech, whatever. It's about feeling, wow, that feels so good. And then when you meet someone that doesn't do it, and you're like, that doesn't feel good, I don't like that. Well, then we stop engaging in that. And then when you meet people that are, you're like, hey, this feels like how I want to feel. that is really how we can build that efficacy of just really learning how do I want to feel, you know? And after I set back, I want you to start asking yourself, what can I learn from this? It's such a missed opportunity. That's why I say, be grateful for all of your experiences, because all of your experiences have brought you to this day. Have a growth journal.

Even just, sometimes I'll do that, I'll be like, I used to scream and yell when I would respond and now, or react, and now that didn't even bother me. Or like, I'll get troll comments and I'm like, man, six months ago, that used to send me spiraling. And now I'm like, that block button, blocked and blast is my favorite fucking button. You're going to be a dick. Why would I want you in our community?

You're going to attack other people. Get fucked. Mama bear is here. I'm protecting all of you guys. We do not have space for ripping other people down. We only have space to build. Won't allow it in this fucking community. But I want you to also look at

are you doing things because they're personally important to you or are you doing them for external rewards? Are you trying to get a relationship because you want to please your mom or your dad or your family that won't leave you alone or to prove to your ex that you couldn't find somebody else? Or are you doing it because you're like, well, I'm genuinely ready for this. I genuinely believe that I'm deserving and worthy of this. And I'm genuinely telling you right the fuck now, I'm ready. And this is what I want and desire. Right? It's not about what other people are going to say. Bet on yourself. Take the fucking risk. Go on the date. Cut your hair. I don't care. Do something that you say, I believe in me. I believe in myself. That could be very small. I'm not asking you to start a podcast or a TikTok. But what I am saying is you have all of the material that you need internally. You have everything you need in here to make your dreams and achieve your goals. The one thing you don't have is the external control. I cannot control, again, it doesn't matter how amazing I make content or how amazing a podcast

episode is, I cannot control everyone else who's listening or feedback or anything like that. But what I can control is how I react to it. It's not about regulating your emotions, meaning getting rid of them. It's how do you react to your emotions. Welcome to, again, how we build onto things and how we start to see over time. I have been handling that better. So maybe we can even celebrate that one. If you guys leave or review, whatever, what is something that you used to do that you're not? Can we celebrate that and say, I have come so far and I still have so far to go? And that's okay.

I'd be fucking bored if this was it, right? Imagine this is your peak and you're like, oh, all right, I've learned everything, huh? It's like, I haven't learned a thing. I still have so much more to go. And I'm ready for it. I'm ready to do this journey with you guys. So I hope this episode was able to help. And I hope that you guys are feeling good because I'm feeling fucking groovy, baby.

I am here for you. I'm here with you, baby. We did 100. Let's do another fucking hundred. Let's get this going. Let's get this show back fucking going. Right. The name change. That scared the shit out of me. I talk about imposter syndrome. I was terrified. I was terrified. I'm like, yeah, okay. So it is scary and like there are repercussions and things that happen. And business takes a hit. And you're like, okay, that's okay. Right. It's like a break. It's like dating. Right. It's a breakup. You didn't expect it. And it's like, but I know. I believe in my core, even though right now this is tough, like after a breakup, that

in the long run, it's going to be the best thing for me because what's for me is not going to pass me and that wasn't for me anymore and it's time to level up. And I encourage and challenge you and welcome you to do the same. So guys, thank you again. And I can't wait to sit with you guys soon for another solo. And as you guys know, starting in November, every other episode's going to be a solo because I'm coming back home to you babes. And I think it's important that we do this together.