The Sabrina Zohar Show - 103: Situationships And Self-Love: How To Stop Settling With Quinlan Walther

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

In today’s conversation, Quinlan and Sabrina talk about situationships, self-love, and self-trust. A situationship is defined in this conversation as an undefined, noncommittal relationship where one person desires more commitment than the other. Sabrina shares her personal experiences with situationships, highlighting the lessons she learned, such as the critical role of communication and how past emotional suppression from childhood influenced her approach to dating. Quinlan emphasizes the importance of self-love, explaining that you can’t fully share yourself with others until you love and respect yourself first. They discuss the need to set boundaries and have the courage to leave situations that don’t serve you, trusting yourself to make the right decisions. The conversation also touches on toxic relationships and how they can feel familiar or even appealing, especially when they reaffirm unhealthy core beliefs. Quinlan and Sabrina agree that true growth comes from valuing yourself, recognizing your worth, and committing to personal development. Exiting a situationship requires reclaiming your power, shifting the narrative, and focusing on your own journey rather than on the other person. Ultimately, self-love and self-trust involve validating your emotions, forgiving yourself for past mistakes, and making choices that align with your own well-being. By prioritizing these aspects, you can navigate relationships with greater clarity and confidence. Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's gofundme.com. Gofundme.com. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. I just saw you the other day for a bonus episode. And it's Friday already.

Guys, today we have Quinlan here. I am such a fan of her. She's such a doll. Love her content and she's an amazing coach. And we're talking about situationhips and self-love, self-trust. Because at the end of the day, a lot of us know that when we get into some situations, very rarely do we actually trust ourselves or the other person and it's, I think it's a conversation that we need to have.

So guys, I'm stoked. As always, don't forget, please rate and review the show. You know what I'm going to say, so let's do it, shall we? Please, please, guys, leave a rating, leave a review, leave a comment. It means the world. And it helps me to be able to interact with you guys and help you and help you even further. So as always, guys, if you need anything, link in the show notes. Please, if you need me, I'm here.

You got some free stuff. You can work with me. You can join the courses. It's all available to you. And guys, as always, don't forget, just share this with a friend. It means the world, and it's how we grow because we're growing this community together. and I want to make sure that it's as strong as we can possibly make it. Guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we?

Hey, girl. Oh, hi. Oh, hi. Welcome, Quinlan. I'm so excited. You're in studio. Yay! In real life.

This is insane. Dude, I fucking love it. That's what I love about the internet. You make these internet friends and then you're like, oh, hi. Literally, hopped on a plane. I was like, yeah, I'll be there in a few. It's all for me. I would love to.

But, dude, welcome to the show. The Sabrina Zohar show. I'm so excited to have you. And now, for anyone who doesn't know you, Could you please share a little bit about us? Your content is all over the internet in the best way possible in what we need. It's so refreshing. But for anyone who hasn't come across you, could you please share a little bit more about you?

Thank you. That's so kind. I'd love to and simply put, I am a relationship and self-development coach. Within my content and my practice, I work one-on-one with clients as well. The easiest way to summarize it is I like to help people intentionally build lives that they absolutely love and revolutionize their relationship. Oh, that's it. That's just that. Just short and sweet, get to the point. It's a lot of getting out of our own way. My own way, clients getting out of their own way. We tend to trip ourselves up, whether that be bringing past stuff into present day, whether trying to close the gap between where we are now and who we want to be and feeling like we have so much potential, but we can't reach it. Again, personally or within relationships and your career, all of the things. And I speak to a little bit of all of it through content. and in my practice. That's what I'm so excited to. Today, we're going to talk about something that I think is really important to talk about. And it's a word that gets tossed around so

much. But yet it's like, I don't actually think any of us really understand it. And that's like situation chips, right? Dun dun dun da. How many times I hear of like, I don't understand. What is that? How do I know I'm in one? Right? We're going to answer all of that. But and self-trust and self-love, right? Like I think these are such buzzwords. And like, we've talked about it. We, I have talked about this before. But I'm always curious. It's fun to have different perspectives, different experiences, and different people that can share. So I'm stoked. But, all right, talk to me. How do you personally define a situation ship? I'm curious. If we're just giving a blanket definition to situation ship, it's really an undefined,

non-committal relationship, usually where one person wants more than the other does. And there's confusion and ambiguity that mixes into that. To give you a longer answer, I would say there's probably three tiers, if you will, or three stages, three steps, something like that. First one being a lot of confusion. You're not sure what's going on. It probably just started. You started seeing someone. It feels romantic.

It's intimate, physically, emotionally. You're spending time with them. You're doing things that you would do if you were in a relationship. But there's been no communication about what you want, what I want, where this is going. What are the intentions? Like, where are you in your life right now, given that I am now in your life, even in a casual way? The next layer to that is typically when you've communicated, you've had clarity. know that the other person wants X, Y, or Z, and you want X, Y, or Z, and those conversations

have been had, but you choose to stay in anyway. So you know that it doesn't actually align. Maybe I want commitment, and they don't. And we're going to stay here and just disrespect each other's boundaries, because my boundary is I want a relationship. I will make decisions and invest in relationships that also want to be there. And you don't want a relationship. So I'm crossing your boundary, you're crossing mine, and we're going to do this little dance until we get burned too badly, or at least one person does. The last. last one is really just friends with benefits or casual dating where you both don't want commitment or at least not right now and you're good with where things are and there's there's again clarity and

communication um i think that could fall under the umbrella of a situation ship the top two the first two that you said a thousand percent i know what you mean the friends with benefits you're like yeah it falls under it think it could it could especially before the communication then once you communicate but i think the biggest component here is like it's to your point it's one person wanting something in the other not but yet no one's talking about it right I have definitely had the second one, the dancing around the boundaries. Oh, boy, have I danced? Oh, my dancing shoes got hung up.

I'm like, I don't know about you, but like I remember when I lived in New York, I mean, I hung my hoe hat up a long time ago, but she was wearing it. I was, I was out on the town. I had alive and well. Once upon a time. In my young days. But I was just like, I was so riddled with trauma, you know, like I was running away from so much that I was like, yeah, I can identify it.

If a man, if I sleep with him, he'll pick me. I can identify it by being chocked. being chosen. Like, am I proud of the fact that I've slept with like two or three people in a day? No. But am I going to shave myself on it? No. Amen. But the situation ships that I found myself in is I remember one guy very, very clearly telling me very, very upfront, like after about a month, like, I don't want a relationship. And then me knowing, well, I do. But then you're like, the sex is so good. And oh my God, but they're so attractive. And but you know what? Maybe if I just don't have needs and if I just don't say anything and I just like keep playing it cool that like

they're going to realize that they really do care about me. Spoiler alert. That didn't happen. Well, and spoiler alert, that's manipulation. Yeah. There's a line there where not only do you want to respect yourself and your own desires and your own needs and all of the things, but there's also another person in here. And you're essentially using that person to make yourself feel good under this guise of being something that you're not, which is okay with the dynamic because what you really want is a relationship.

Like there is, and vice versa. the person who knows that there was someone who wants a wants commitment. And they're like, well, I'm just not going to give it to them. Maybe they won't notice for a while. And I can enjoy a bunch of this casual sex. It's like, okay, we're all getting burned. We're all, there's so much manipulation here. And no one feels good.

But there's some kind of gratification, some kind of attachment that keeps us in it. The only time, I will say, the only time I've ever felt like, quote unquote, okay about a situation ship was, I remember it like yesterday. It was like 2014, 2015, how just yesterday. Just yesterday. That old chestnut. And I remember I lived in Brooklyn and it was this guy and he lived down the street. And it was winter. And now it was like snowing every day.

I actually, it was like 2013. What am I talking about? I was that young. And it was like I was just, you know, I had nothing else. And so he would come over all the time. No one ever spoke about it. No one we never talked about. How do we feel?

Do we want anything? But it worked, right? Like neither one of us. I was cool. Like he was a model. And so he'd come over and be like, hey, can you get like test shots of me? we would always, even just small things of like, hey, can I come in like me? I'd be like, hey, my laundry thing broke.

Like, can I come just to use yours? Yeah. It was very balanced. He was always at my play. We were watching movies. And it worked until it didn't. And like I met somebody else and I dated him. And like me and this other year, we just fizzled, right?

No one really contact each other. It was wild was we met. The last time I saw him was Valentine's Day and he brought me a lique of roses and all of this. And the craziest part was like, I made a video a year and a half ago that went crazy viral of like proximity and timing. And I shared a story of how. how this guy came back to me a couple of years later saying, you know, kind of the one that got away, like I really should have said, and that was him. He was a situation ship. And both of us,

we've talked, and he's like, at the time, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't even know if I was going to stay there. And he was like, I didn't really want to ruin what we had. But he was like, if hindsight being 2020, he was like more than anything, I wish I had committed to you, because that was like the one mistake I made. And that's okay, right? For me, it wasn't a mistake. Yeah. Best decision. Like, it wasn't. I think, because somebody had asked, you know, like, does it always have to be a negative? I don't personally think situationhips. are necessarily positive or negative, depending on if you're being authentic with what it is that you want, right? Oh, I completely agree. And I would even go as far as to say, correct me if you think that I'm wrong.

That would probably fall under the friends with benefits or casual dating scenario where there isn't a tension. There's not this anxiety around, oh, my God, when am I going to hear from them, what's going on, this, that, and the other. And it doesn't feel like a mind game from what you're explaining. Maybe to me at least. You know, maybe to him, right? Like, I can't speak on his behalf. But I think the biggest thing, what did I learn from that above all was like, just communicate. Like on me, I was like, no, I should have told this guy, hey, I want to make sure we don't want anything.

I was 23, you know, like I was young. I was learning. But I think that to me is where I see like a differentiation because, sure, can situationships be really negative and detrimental? Have you ever, if you're comfortable sharing, have you ever experienced a situation ship? And was that a positive or never experience for you? I've had both. I've had a very similar experience to you.

A few times in my early 20s were just great, great guys. And we had a great time together and see each other every now and then. There was no anxiety or frustration. It was just we'd hang out and it would be great. And the sex would be great. And all cylinders firing away and just fizzled out. Like it was never something that we wanted to pull it, you know, into another realm, into another level.

And then I've had a situation ship where I just completely lost myself. I mean, ruined. Like didn't recognize myself. put poured so much of my time and energy into being someone that this person would choose and treat right and treat well. And at the same time, now I didn't, I was not fully aware of this in the moment, but you live and you learn in hindsight's 2020. There was a part of me that got off on the dynamic where he'd hurt me so badly and then I would be, I'd be justified in my big emotions and he'd have to make it up to me. There was like a martyr aspect to it. And if I had been

really honest with myself, I should have looked myself dead in the eye and him dead in the eye. I'm like, we are just hurting each other. This is not it. But it was the cycle. And it was so intense. And I lost a part of me that probably needed to die off. There was a level, you know, you kind of hit rock bottom. You don't recognize yourself anymore.

And I got myself out of it. And thank God. Hope he's well. For anybody that's listening, like if you're involved, like I have even clients that are in situationships that are like very okay with it that they know but the difference i'll take that more like a friends with benefits because the difference to me i think between you know a positive versus negative it's the communication 100% right like i don't know about you i get every day every day and it breaks my heart of like this person told me they don't want a relationship but we are so amazing all these things

what do i do and it's like i don't like this choice any more than you do but what you have to do is making a determination in that moment that that doesn't work for you. Because if I want a relationship and you don't, that means that we're not compatible. Our needs do not align. Absolutely. And so to me, I'm like, but I would be curious, like, for anyone who maybe doesn't know, like, how would you define? Like, how do you know you're in one? How do you know you're in a situation? I would have to say it's that tension and that ambiguity. If it feels hot and cold confusing, if you have to ask yourself, what is going on here? It feels. like one thing, but words and actions aren't actually aligning, there's something that needs to be

cleared up, you know, and I don't, I don't even necessarily think defining it as a situation is all that helpful. Just looking at yourself, looking at the situation, and asking if you like what's going on. Do you like the way that this dynamic makes you feel about yourself, about life, about just your time with this person? Does this connection feel authentic to you? If the answer is no, have a dialogue or get yourself out. But I think communication is absolutely the make or break. When it's, am I in a situation or not? Have the conversation. What is this? What's going on? The telltale sign I always see is the like, I don't want to be too needy. I don't want to be too clingy. I don't want to come off as too much. That's when I always know. I'm like, oh, yeah, no, no, no.

Oh, girl. We're already in the negative here. If that, because then that kind of leads us into like that self-love, self-trust aspect. And I used to say that. I used to be the girl that I don't want to be too much. I don't want to be too needy. I don't want to say anything. I'm going to come off crazy, so let me just not say anything. Now, yes, to a certain extent that can be manipulative. That absolutely can. Where it came from, at least for me personally, was like that fear of, well, in the past, when I've opened my mouth, I lose connection to my caregiver. My father walks out. My brother has left. So the men in my life, the really influential men that I've grown up to have as father figures and male figures have all left me when I have emotions. So of course, the cognitive,

you know, the cognitive bias that I made here was this equals this. And so while I completely understand all that, I think at that point, like, to me, the baby has gone out with the bathwater. If you're in a real, if you're dealing with somebody and your thoughts are, I don't want to be too much to say anything because they're going to run away. What are we saving? What are you trying to save so hard? I actually disagree with you a little bit.

Go on. Talk to me. I think that if you have that pattern, if you have that wound, if you know that that is common, you may feel that even with a very secure, very loving, very consistent person. It may be, you could see that. I mean, I see that with myself. I'm obsessed with my partner. My, his name is Ben.

Ben is the most amazing man in the entire world. He is so secure. He makes me feel so safe. He has been the most consistent man I've ever met. And I wreak some fucking havoc on him sometimes. And it's not because of him. It's because, yeah, chaos is so familiar. me. So I will on occasion stir the pot and be a little dramatic and he will look me dead in the face and be like,

are you done? Are we going to talk about this now? And I'm like, okay, yeah, it's me. It's me. I'm the problem. Hi, it's me. But here's a beautiful thing. And I appreciate that you bring that up to like the forefront. I'm totally with you. There are definitely times of like, oh, I don't want to be too much too needy. Difference being is when you actually say it, how do they respond? Right. So like, you know, if you say something to Ben and he's like, hey, okay, I can see that you're going through something versus how many times or I'd be like, I don't want to say anything to this guy because he's hot and cold. And when I say anything in the past, he usually like then ignores my text for three days. That's when I'm like, I think we've, I think at that point, the least of your worries is being scared of pushing them away with what you're saying because the reality is that person's intentions weren't to stay.

Well, let's put it this way. The least desperate thing that you can be is certain about what you want. Period. Amen to that. Period. You have to value who you are and what you want far more than how someone is going to perceive you. And if it is a healthy, stable, mature human that you're talking to, they will at the very least respect you for standing your ground and being someone that you want to be standing by what you want, right? The second half of that, where it's, am I going to say what I want to say?

If I sound desperate, if I sound needy, what will I do? there's a level of acceptance you have to have around what's on the other side of that, where it may not even just be, I don't want to come off as needy. Maybe you know the other person would shut down the dynamic. Maybe you know that they'd hear that and they'd be like, oh, okay, yeah, I don't want that. See ya. And then you'd have to deal with how you feel. And that sucks.

You'd be sad. You'd probably feel a little overwhelmed, a little anxious, whatever. Or you'd have to be the one to stand your boundary and say, oh, shit, we don't agree. This doesn't align. and now I have to leave. So maybe if I stay in it a little bit longer, I can avoid the feelings that I don't want to feel. Right.

And that is then throwing the baby out of the bathroom. That, exactly. Thank you for making that context. That's what I meant. Was like very much that if you're doing this because like I'll get this. I don't want to say anything because like he's mentioned he doesn't want a relationship. And you're like, okay, you know that by saying it, you're going to hear a reality. You know, and I was like that.

I didn't want to say, I don't think this guy is for me because by saying it, oh, fuck, then I have to do something about it. I don't think they're for me. Okay, then what are you doing here, Zohar? That's, I think, yeah, it's no, let me preface or clarify, you're normal for feeling needy, all of those things. Like, that's a human reaction. But it's like you said, it's like, how is that going to stop us from then progressing a relationship? My mama has been saying this to me for years.

You've got to love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. Oh, mama could not be more right. Mama Zohar's right, right? Because it's like, it's true when you, I would always say, no, no, no, but I need them to like me. And it's like, but do you even like you? And they don't like you at that point. They like whatever facade, whatever character you're presenting to them. them here. It's like you should love yourself first. You should absolutely love yourself more than

you love that relationship because if you don't love yourself fully, then you aren't be, you weren't able to share yourself fully. They're not able to know you because you're not showing them you. You aren't tending to the ugly parts, the needy parts, the desperate parts, because you'd like, you'd rather pretend that they're not there. Then that's an inauthentic connection that you're forming. That's an attachment more so. So all in all, you have to communicate. And that self-love needs to be, needs to be there on your own, on your side individually. That's why the cool girl and a nice guy don't last. That's why, because the nice guy, that's their personality. Okay, well, I need more depth. I need someone that says no to me. I need someone that sets a boundary. I need someone

that has an opinion. And same with the cool girl. Somebody asked recently, like, why doesn't it work out? It's like, because she's not real. You're not that two-dimensional. You don't just have, I have no needs. Everything's great. Whatever you want to do, it's like, that's not cute after a while. And how boring is that? Right? That's just, that's boring. You agree with everything I say? That's the reason that movies have plots are because you want to watch the main character on their come up. Like you want to see them when they're down and like the world is conspiring against them and then they make it through.

There's some of that that applies in real life where you want to be with your person. And when they have their down times, you want to be there to support them and you want to watch them grow and make that that level up in whatever area. Like that's love. 100%. That's love. Not just I only want to. you on your good days only when you're when you're feeling flirty and fun 30 flirty and fun what is that? You'll be there soon 30 flirty fun soon two years and it's the same as like that saying of like if you don't accept me at my worst and you

don't get me at my best and I'm like I'm sorry why do I need to I don't know you so right I've literally just met you three days ago or whatever what do you mean if I don't accept you at your worst it's like can I get to know you first like again even when it comes down to understanding yourself like I remember Ryan and I had an issue. I don't even think it was like anything major, but a couple issue, right? And we were talking with our therapist and I said, I feel like I'm, I was like, you know, I'm too much. Just say it. I'm too much. And he looked at me and he was like, that's your insecurity that you're trying to project on to me. And he was like, I don't find you to be too much. And he was like, but if you'd like to keep going down this road, let's find out, what do you seem to think is too much?

And it was like, hmm, okay, bitch. I'm sad. Exactly. I was like, oh, in my place. And he and like in that moment I was like, well, this. And I gave him examples. And he's like, maybe that was too much for me. He was like, but you are not too much. And so it was so important for me to even stop and be like, oh shit. Hey, it's okay. Shadow. Mirror back on to me being like, hey, you're bringing this in. Like you say, you're having your moments, right? Like we all do because you're a human. But if I were scared to say something to my partner because I'm nervous of their reaction, I'm nervous how they're going to respond. Like I had my client the other day. And she was saying that. She was like, this guy had been like a little dicey. We were not stoked. And I literally, I said, I dare you. And I didn't mean it literally like that. But I was like, I fucking dare you to say that to him.

And she's like, fine, I will. And I was like, no, no, no. I didn't. Hold on. But I was like, but you know, I was like, no, go with it. You need to. And it was about her standing up. It was like, he did something very blatantly disrespectful.

And she was like, no. And I was like, and sure enough, they came back. She's like, we did a great conversation. She's like, I'm so glad that you actually dared me to do that. I was like, I didn't literally mean it to be a dare. But it works, but it works. And I love her. We'll take credit.

And she was like, but it allowed me. She was like, I was so scared. And because that was the difference when she was like, I'm scared to open up. I'm scared to say something. And I said, well, is there a behavior that you've seen that you don't feel safe? Like, is this person like scream at you? Does he get like, does he hit you? You know, things like that.

Like, can we rule that out? No, no. It's just, you know, I'm going to be too much. And we only known each other for a month and a half. And I don't want to push him away. Oh, you have to. You have to. And there is absolutely a difference.

You don't get all of someone within the first week of knowing them. That's, okay, red flags. But you do want to see signs that that person can take accountability, that they can hear feedback and think about it critically. Oh, yeah, okay, that was me. I was behaving poorly there. You're absolutely right. And you brought that to my attention in a way that was easy for me to receive with kindness.

And I really appreciate that. I'm sorry that I treated you that way. Let's talk about this more. This is how I'm going to try this better next time or whatever it is. You want to see that that person can take accountability. That's imperative. And huge. And not that from her side, too, she's not going to fix that about him.

She's not going to fix the problem for him. And nor should he expect her to, right? So there's part of it that is, yes, sharing in the vulnerability and taking accountability, not expecting the other person to do the work for you. They're there to support you. and that is a really important distinction. 100%. Oh, 100%.

For me, I'm like, okay, if you want to be in a relationship with somebody, because we have a lot of people that after like one or two dates, are like, we're in a relationship. And you're like, well, but you've literally never even like scratched the surface. How is this person when you say no? How is this person when you set a boundary? Like, I have dated people that, oh, my God, they're amazing until they're not.

They're amazing because, hi, this is the version of you I want, but me, I want you to see. And it's the fan and we're in the honeymoon. And then all of a sudden, you say, say like, hey, actually, no, I don't really want to go out there. Like, I'm exhausted. And the next thing you know, they're berating you and being like, you fucking wasted my time. And you're, whoa, you got to scratch the surface. Because at the end of the day, if I can't even just be like, hey, you know, I didn't love the way you said that to me. And you freak out. It's like,

I can't be in a relationship with you, but I can, if that's what I'm used to, because if my thought, for me, I was, every time my ex would scream at me or go, I'd be like, but that was my dad. I'm used to that. Then when I broke that and you really start to realize, like, that's not the healthy, secure relationship I want to be in. Oh, boy, here's the reality. If you're in a situation ship right now and you're like, oh, but I'm never going to meet anybody and all that, you're right. You're further away from your person if you're going to stay in something that is very clearly not serving you because of fear. I would never have met my partner if I did not break up with the guy I was dating right before him who was nothing wrong with him as a human could

not satisfy my needs. It was just very limited. Yes, if you already have that awareness, if you know that there's tension in there, yes, for sure. And then don't shame yourself for having stayed in something you know wasn't for you. Because I would not appreciate the amazing man that I have today. Had I not been in the absolute trenches deep in a thing that I know was ruining me. Oh, yeah. There's an unfortunate contrast there, that post-traumatic growth, if you will, expand your capacity, truly, where I found this voice and this,

for this ferocious energy to do better for myself. Stop putting up with shit that I didn't actually want. Stop choosing things that I know I didn't actually want. And then I was able to choose the best. That's the beauty of like not for me, at least personally. Like I was okay to walk away from these situationships because I'm like, well, what am I getting from this? Like I wasn't, this isn't serving me. I wasn't benefiting from this.

The only was the chaos, right? My nervous system be, oh, the high, high, low, lows. Like, of course, that was a nice little roller coaster. But I had to be really aware of cognizant of like, well, Sabrina, you're making this choice. And like, this isn't, I'm never victim blaming. This isn't about shame. But to your point, I get this every day of like, there's a failure and it was a mistake. And it's like, none of this is a failure and none of this is a mistake.

This is all part of your story. And if we berate and shame, that's going against that self-love. Like, you want to know why you don't trust yourself, the you, the proverbial you, not you, obviously. You want to know why you don't trust yourself. It's like, well, look how you talk to yourself. When you fuck up and you do something that's human, like, I don't know, forget to call someone or like do something minute and it's either you to yourself or I also see it in the opposite of like just this wild response of like this person said he was going to call and he didn't it's like

did he inevitably call three hours later it's like could you maybe can we maybe hold some space that like maybe their phone died right or like they're a human and maybe they got caught in meetings or like I've been in calls back to back since 7 a.m. this morning I'm not going to be able to answer everybody's messages and I think it's that like if you really want to get down to like leaving situationships, leaving shitty things that are not serving you, then you have to again come to kind of turn that inwards of like, do I love myself

enough to say I'd rather be alone than be in bad company? Do I love myself? And that's okay if you're like, I don't. I didn't for a while. I don't know about you. Myself love journey. I had to go to those parts of like, what doesn't feel lovable? What parts of me feel like I'm just so embarrassed by her

or I'm ashamed by her? And then how can I look at her and fucking love her and give her? It doesn't mean that I have to change her. But what that means is I can say, that's a part of me. The hoe girl from her 20s that was doing really, really unhealthy things. I was about to shame myself and say stupid things. And I'm like, why go there? I wholeheartedly believe, this may be a bit controversial,

but I wholeheartedly believe we, all of us, are always doing the best that we can, given what we know at the time. Truly, all of us. There is some kind of need, some kind of protection, some kind of benefit that we feel like we need to get, even when we make our worst decisions. There is some benefit, and sometimes that's just pushing down pain. It's a distraction, right? Sometimes that's getting into a relationship where it's fun and then you hate yourself

for weeks, those two hours or whatever, a high that you want to ride out, but you know that the fallback is going to ruin you. I like to think that we're always doing the best that we can, given what we know at the time. 100%. And with that comes compassion. Give yourself grace. You did the shitty thing. You said the shitty thing.

You made the bad decision. You stayed with someone you know you shouldn't have stayed with. You led someone on that you know you shouldn't have let on. Forgive yourself. Make the decision right now today to stop. To do something else. To do something differently. To choose self-love.

To choose self-trust. To choose to be a different person. And truly give yourself grace. 100%. You did a bad thing. Take accountability for that. I'm not letting anyone off the hook here. We do bad things.

We have to be sorry about them. And the best thing that you can do is to choose to change course from there. Also know that if you fuck up again, you're a human, right? Like it takes, I think Masha told me something crazy. I don't know if you know this fact. It takes 300 repetitions for your body to remember a move. So like you have to go to the gym 300 times and do a movement, not just 300 reps. Okay, cool. Got that. Took me a long time to figure out my squats. It takes 3,000 repetitions to create a new neural pathway and embody that. So if we know this information and we are now stacked with this data, girl, I've only done some things five times. I've only said

something five times. So I can know that if I do it again, oh, I'm a human, right? Shaming, blaming is only going to make that inner child more scared, is only going to make that inner child louder, and is only going to make that inner critic attack you even more because she is she or they, I apologize, he, the, she, they are confused. And to your point, beautifully said, it's self-protection. You're not self-sabotaging. You're not intentionally trying to hurt yourself. The girl that was 23, that was sleeping around and doing that stuff, didn't know any better. She's, she's, thought at the time, this is the best I could do. And so when I look back, it's like, hey, what are you going to do? Right? I can't change that. But what I can do is say she was really

hurt. And man, she was just trying to keep me safe. She didn't really necessarily do a great job. 100%. But maybe she actually did. I take that back. I'm alive, right? Everyone listening, you're alive. So your littles did a great job. I was going to say, there's a part of that where yes, maybe there was some harm done in the process, right? Not completely safe. But at the same time she was protecting you from something, kept you from something, at least distracted enough to not have to dig into something that maybe you couldn't even dig into at the time. Yeah. And fair enough. So right on. I think both both sides are true. 100%. And it's interesting because you kind of said this. Somebody had asked, how can you

gracefully exit a situation ship that's no longer serving you? And I wasn't sure if there was anything specific. Because you said it beautifully even before of just like, hey, you know, like, I just don't think that this is serving me anymore or like, I don't think that this is compatible for me anymore. But I wasn't sure if there's anything that comes to mind for you. sometimes it doesn't have to be graceful. It doesn't have to be graceful. Depending on the situation, yeah,

could not agree more. Absolutely. It has to be courageous. There's especially, again, with those layers of situation ships, it definitely depends. If you're ending something, that's,

you know, amicable and you're both kind of happy with what's going on and it's just all right, whatever. Like ran its course. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't think this is for me.

I think I want to end this situation. And okay, great, right on. If you really have to pull yourself out of the depths to get yourself out of there, don't worry about it being graceful. Again, decide that you want to respect yourself more than any, any ounce of judgment or opinion from the other party, if it's best for you. It reminds me of the Sex and City quote when she says, like, I love you, Richard, but I love me more. Amen.

Yes, Samantha. When she said that and then she, like, walks off and it's like, yes. Yep. Yes. because, and it's not about like, I'm on this high horse, it's like, that's real. Now, here's the other side of the flip coin of this, like, real self-love and walking away. Doesn't mean they're going to feel great after? I have ended things and walked off crying hysterically, knowing that's for the best,

but also knowing, like, this hurts and this feels like shit. I just want to make sure that we have, that could be the graceful aspect is like, gracefully allow yourself to feel. If I'm going to even use the word, allow yourself. You go home and you want to process, you fucking, you. You feel it, you mourn it, you allow it, you don't shame, validate your own emotions. That was big for me. Part of the self-love, self-trust thing was even validating, because my father is a narcissistic, so he's gaslighting.

So if you say, like, that really hurt me, you're making that up. No, it didn't. I didn't say anything. And you're like, right, that's cool. I'm not valid. So even being after something like, wow, that really was tough. I'm really proud of myself. Like two conflicting thoughts.

I'm really proud of myself. But I'm also really missing this person and really, really sad. It didn't work out. all of those emotions and feelings can coexist at the same time, but we seem to think, or we've been conditioned rather, of like, it's either I have to make them bad and I have to be good or I have to be bad, they have to be good, and either they're on the pedestal and I'm the piece of shit

or vice versa, as opposed to, like you said, sometimes it just doesn't work out. 100%. There's 9 billion goddamn people on this planet. You think that only one is going to work? It's like, there's others. Especially not one that leaves you feeling bad, especially not one that's consistently inconsistent or more hurtful than not,

that's, there's definitely better fish in the sea. Absolutely. But yes, there are other people, but I think really when I started personally seeing my dating experiences changed, like truly seeing them change, started within mama. It was in me. I started to make those shifts of like, I need to speak up. I need to say something to this person. Case Kenny actually always said, you get what you want, you get what you need.

You get what you want, which is them, or you get what you need, which is clarity. Absolutely. So win, win. And it's hard either way. Let's put that on the record. It's hard either way. Choose your heart. Do you want to stay in something that you know is not going to get better? We'll give you the benefit of the doubt. There's a 1% chance that that dynamic gets better. 1%. There's a 99% chance that it just continues to hurt you. Or you hurt, have the conversation, walk away, break it off, and then hurt while you heal. Very different. I love that. Yeah. It's true. It's like, and we just were so used to getting into the shame and blame and like, oh, I'm sorry.

all this and I'm all this. And it's like, if you can at least just, that's why I'm big on, like, if you can at least just recognize that thought, awareness. Awareness. And then it's like, okay, now I'm aware. Great. Regulate your goddamn nervous system. Like, go do something. And again, common misconception, especially when you're dealing with like self-love and trust and things, is that like, like, regulating means, okay, then I have all the right answers. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. Regulating just, all that means is I have a choice. Do I'm making the right choice? I don't know. I won't know until after usually, because hindsight is 2020. I don't know about you. I've definitely broken it off with people in the past. You're like,

mm, yeah, probably shouldn't have done that. Or like, maybe it wouldn't have. But I did it. I did the best I could with the information that I knew at that moment. And there's not really much else I could do. But I am curious. Somebody did ask. These are the Instagram questions. You can feel. I don't have these, by the way. I'm chuckling as I see them because Ryan wrote these down. So I'm like, okay, what did he write for us? Why are toxic relationships so fun? So fun. They are. They are. Listen, they really are. are that high high but they're really typically only fun if there's some sense of familiarity in there course if you really are fairly secure you didn't have a lot of chaos growing up you had really

loving attentive caregivers who are attuned to you truly and they do exist again you're not perfect everyone has everyone has some stuff they're not going to find it fun no they're like what the hell are you doing what what is this no bye it's not yeah they've seen those they have strong boundaries for themselves in that in that way so they're fun when there's this sense of familiarity familiarity there. They help you, the toxic relationships can help you access something that is forbidden in a number of ways. And that in and of itself can be fun for a short little time. Like anything, it's like, I want it. I don't even know that I'm going to like it, but I want it. I can't have it. And it's like, yeah, toxic relationships are fun. They trigger core beliefs.

They reaffirm core beliefs. Oh, well, I can't happen. Well, there's something wrong with me. Great. Keep that one going. Or maybe I can do this one differently. Maybe this one will be the one that shows me that I was wrong all of those years, that time that my mother told me, that I wasn't enough or my dad told me that I would never be as good as this person or the other person or just didn't pay attention to me. Maybe I'll get the attention that I wanted from this person. I can change them. That was the me. I was the like, well, my father was the playboy. My dad had more girlfriends than I could count while he was married. So forget it when he was divorced. Yeah, my mom just didn't know. And so I always thought it's like, I can change them. I'll be the woman that makes them into a different person. And it's interesting. Because for years, I thought that meant

turn the playboy into like the the housewife right or like the you know you see in the movies like the hot motorcycle guy that no girl can have wants this random waitress right that you're like could it be me it's not and then it becomes better yeah yeah and then he becomes and so for years i was like that's how i'm that's what i want i want someone that'll make me better no no no no no no no no that's all i didn't want to do it myself then i save myself then here we go now that I have a partner. Now I understand, oh, when you hear all these vows of like, you made me a better person, I haven't made him anything. But what I have done is created a really safe environment for him to explore himself and for me to explore myself. Now both of us have become better versions of ourselves.

And now is a big misconception. I thought toxic to healthy was like how we were going to do this. And it's like, no, no. Absolutely. Very rarely, the 0.01% goes from like, wow, we were super toxic. like terrible, but now we're really happy. And I haven't even seen super toxic go to healthy. Let's put it that way. Situationships can turn into more. Friends with benefits could turn into more. But if you're really in the heart of the pain with this person and it's really just not working, it's that's probably that 0.01% is probably not even there. And to bring it back to what you're saying about that safe place that you're providing in the relationship that you couldn't provide unless you had done the work on yourself. Correct. There's so much of that that I can relate to, to put it simply. I spent most of my life trying to be

impressive enough, smart enough, good enough, earn the love and the attention that I wanted. Didn't get it. Mom and dad worked a ton. They're amazing people, amazing humans, very well-intentioned, and also quite absent emotionally. So I was left with that chip on my shoulder, where it was, what do I need to be, who do I need to be, to each of these people to be as impressive as possible. So then what happens when I don't get the constant gratification I'm looking for from other people? It was a long, long road to unwind that, to untangle that. I made a lot of my life decisions in my late teens and early 20s from that place. Luckily and painfully, you know, you work through it.

But there's part of that that you also bring into a relationship where if you're so critical and so harsh with yourself, you will show up that way in your relationship. I would catch myself in the beginning with my partner. I'd be so mean. In my head at least, sometimes too, to him. Like, why wouldn't you do this? Why wouldn't you do that? Why wouldn't you?

Like, how could you be so dumb? It's like, holy shit, that's not me. That's not my core me. And then I realized that I'm treating him the same way that I would treat myself. Oh, yeah. So if you want to feel good within you, and if you want to be a person that makes the person you love feel good, you have to do that work. 100%. You have to come home to yourself.

How, if there was like this one story, you'll probably love it. It was like very short, but it was this girl I knew from New York. And it was like, she went to this, it's like, a girl walked into a bar. She went to a bar. And before she walked in, she was having her weight stuff. And like, it was like a personal friend. And she was like really in her own head of just like, I feel like shit. I don't look good.

And it's like, she looked great. But like, fine. Hey, that's your journey. And when she went into the bar and she went to the bartender like was not serving her. It's New York. Excuse me. What bartender is paying attention to you on a fucking Saturday night. And she started to internalize it and be like, it's because I'm heavy and I'm fat.

And it was like, okay. That was her narrative though. And I went, you know, what are you going to do? And so, like, her demeanor changed, the way she sat changed. Nobody was really approaching her as much. Now, if we could see that as too, really, where does it start internally? Because if we could look at that as like, hey, you're allowed to not feel confident, but like maybe, like, wouldn't go out to like a bar and try to flirt with men that night. Like, that's probably not going to be the night that you're going to feel your best. But if she had walked in saying, oh, I am who I am, like, let's see, it's a completely different energy because then you create a space where people want to come talk to. You. You you, they feel like I have had definitely clients where I'll tell them, honestly, I'm like, you're exhausting. Like, this is exhausting because everyone, I don't even know which way you want to go where you're changing the game mid game and you're like internalizing everything. Everything.

And it's becoming truly exhausting. And so being able to come home to ourselves also includes knowing that. Like I said, I know about myself, I'm a fickle bitch. I'm tough. I'm anxious. You know what I mean? Like I know my shit, but I know it. I'm really in tune with that.

And that's cool. That doesn't mean I don't still. it, but I love those parts of me as much as sometimes I don't. You know what I mean? Absolutely. But it's like in those moments instead of being like, well, here you go again, Sabrina. I'm like, hey, given everything you've been through, it makes sense that here we are again. There's a commitment that you have to make to yourself to be exactly who you want to be, who you want to be.

Not by the rules of that other people have told you who you should be, not what you think other people will like more or less or anything of the sort. Who do you want to be? Like, what are your values? What do you like about yourself? What do you want to create? Truly. Like, whether it's just, I don't know, I want to get into knitting and I want to share all the things that I knit with the world and it'll bring them joy.

I'm going to knit things for babies and that will make me feel like, great, cool. That's a part of you that you want to explore. Run with it. Love that. Do you want to just be a kind person? Do you want to be a person that's patient and loyal and attentive? Be all of those things to yourself. Commit to the person that you want to be in all of the things that you value.

And life gets a hell of a lot simpler. So much simpler. I overcomplicated relationships and dating so much more. And then when you're in something healthy and you're like, damn, it really, it's not, I don't like the word easy, but it flows. It is such a different experience when you meet somebody that has the bandwidth in the ways that you do. But again, the only way I knew to this day, I have gotten so much shit. You want to fucking find yourself. Go on the internet.

Post yourself on the internet. You'll find yourself real fucking quick when you all of a sudden you're like inundated and you find your voice. I'm not saying that. literally meaning that. But I know that for me, like, at one point, at my mama, there's another thing my mom has always said. She's good. You can please some of the people all the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. And so if you're constantly, how many, stop cursing, but I like your cursing. Okay. Speak faster. No, no, I don't want you to speak as fast. And you need to slow down. Talk about this. No, I don't want you to talk about that. You're like, okay, you know what?

You don't win. You have to be okay with like, well, this is what I like. And here's what I'm going do. And if you want to be part of that, fuck yeah. And if you don't, I wish you all the best. Well, and you define your win. Of course you that's the other part of this. It's, you know, there's a lose-lose if you're letting other people make the rules. If you're defining your win, and specifically your win is really your effort and your intention and doing something in a way that is new or a way that you just prefer, I mean, that can be a win. If the win is only some external outcome, especially one that is damn near unattainable, like making everyone happy, pleasing everyone. That doesn't work. Guess what? Because you're not happy either, by the way.

Even if you get there. You make the rules. You define what winning means, period. And there's literally nothing. Even when I'm like, you're not nothing. Nothing in the world. You're not pizza. Well, some people are gluten free and you're like, fuck. You're nothing because there's not. And that's kind of why I get, I hate that fucking saying if he wanted to, he would. I do. I hate sweeping generalization statements like that because I struggle with this like, no, if it's not this, it's this. And it's like, so everyone's the same? Everybody is bucketized in that. So you take no accountability. You don't play a part in this. There's no ownership that you need to take. So if he wanted to, he would.

But yet what about you, girl? Or boy, what about you? What is that saying about me then? If I'm saying, well, if he was, oh, I guess I have to hold the mirror up now, don't I? Because that also says something about me, what I'm willing to put up with, what I'm willing to allow, what I'm willing to do. And my, how realistic what I actually think is going to be capable. Because I'll say, when I get the, if you wanted to, he would. I'm like, well, if you didn't want to be anxious, you wouldn't.

facts and immediately I get this look and I'm like you see my point it's not realistic yeah it's just and sorry I had to go on that so no I posted a video on that like a year and a half ago with the same take literally just didn't even know that it's it was old yeah it was one of like the first videos that I ever posted on Instagram but regardless you're yes assuming something that you don't actually have any any certainty around like you don't you have no idea what he's thinking you have no idea what his intentions are what he wants or what he doesn't want. It doesn't matter. And to be honest, it's irrelevant because if you don't like it, you can either do something about it, as in communicate, or you could walk away, or you could

detach a little bit. He's not the only man on earth. Like, there's, there are so many different things, but I completely agree with you. Let's talk about detaching really quick, because somebody actually did ask, how do you detach? I'd love, I'm not going to, I want, people have heard me enough fucking chime in. Talk to me. How do you detach? Especially if we're talking situation ship, take your power back. Stop external. There is no human that has some superpower that you don't have. If you want something in your life, if you want a relationship, if you want a job, if you want to look a certain way, if you want to be a certain type of person, commit to it. If it's genuinely what you want, commit to being the kind of person that you want to be and you care a hell of a lot

less about those who choose to leave. Because if you know the life that you're creating, if you know how you want to feel and there are people who want to change that or criticize that or don't see the value in it and want to leave. Great. Good on you. Truly, it's truly you just care less when you value your feelings, how you feel in the life that you're creating more. Yeah, I love that. For me, detaching was, I never forget. My friend said, you've got to take the sparkle off. And I was like, take him off the pedestal. And I remember just saying that. I was like, what do you mean? She's like, take the shine off of him. And it's literally. ingrained in my head, my life changed on a very casual fucking snowy day in New York afternoon

in the middle of a breakup. When she said that, literally, like to this day, I have to think, I'm still a friend, thank her for that. Because for me, how to detach, it's like, make them real. No, they're not this perfect. I hear it all that. They're perfect. No one's perfect.

Well, and that changes the narrative. You have to change the narrative. Of course. You really want to detach. Probably step number one would be cut the narrative off. Cut it off. Don't buy into it. The reality is they did not.

want to be in relationship with you any further. Period. Point blank. That's their preference. Respect them and respect their preference and then don't take on what you don't need to take on. It's not a reflect. It's not that you're unlovable. It's not that you're inadequate in all of these different ways. It's the fact that they didn't want to be in relationship with you. If you feel the need to, go ahead and dig a little bit. Like did I, did I, did I, was I mean? Was I, right? Like, was I too critical of them? Did I, was I too much of a people pleaser? Did I not even share who I was with them? Is they're part of that?

And not because you want them back, but because it's a good moment for you to reflect. Again, where is some of the accountability? Where can I show up better next time? Did I play a role in that? Or did they truly just not want to be here? But don't make it a deeper, lifelong narrative that you're buying into because this person

just chose not to be in a relationship with you anymore. Yeah. My sister was like, is your side of the street clean? It's like, okay, if you know, that's the way, take stock of, it's not like you said, it's not about, oh, well, now I can do this. It's like, oh, wow, you had no many boundaries with that person. That's a huge issue.

I'm going to implement that moving forward. But, like, I, if you are struggling because you're like, I can't get over this person, it's been two years. It's like, you're holding onto potential. You're holding onto a narrative. You're holding on to a narrative. That doesn't fucking exist. And I think we have to really, like you said, get to the fucking narrative, start to understand.

What am I creating here? Yep. Oh, God, I've made some of these men into superheroes. Literal superheroes. Clark Kent, and you see them and you're like, you ain't shit. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with it. Again, we don't need to villainize.

I think that's also something I want to just clarify it for folks. You don't have to villainize somebody. You don't have to make them a bad person, especially if they're not, right? Like, if it's just, this person doesn't have the bandwidth. Like, I've heard stories where you're like, there's nothing wrong with either one of you. It's just not a match. Yep. hold them accountable if they are, if they're abusive, if they're gaslighting, if they're

all of those things. We're not going to label anybody. We're not going to start calling them our narcissists or our avoidance. It doesn't need to be a deep dive because the more you try to focus on their behavior and then the less you're looking at yourself and the less you're looking at your internal system and what the fuck is coming up for you. 100%. Girl, I can talk to you all day. I really could. But I'm just so grateful. Thank you so much for. Oh, we're at time. We're at time. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it immensely. Can't believe we're actually here in real I know. And where can people find you? Sitting in our pictures. Where can people find you on the socials, on the webs?

Socials. Um, TikTok, Instagram, at Quinlan Walther. Also my website at Quinnlin Walthor. Well, there's no at. Quinlanwother.com. I should clarify that. We're such like that at, at, at, at. Um, I'll also have a course that will be launched and live by the time that this episode comes out. So that will also be on my website or you can find that on my socials. Sweet. Dude, thank you again. I'm so stoked. Thanks for having me.