The Sabrina Zohar Show - 104: Communicating Your Needs And Navigating Conflict

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

In this solo episode, Sabrina emphasizes the importance of communicating needs and navigating conflict in relationships. She wants individuals to trust themselves and be honest, even when difficult conversations feel uncomfortable. A challenge many face is overcoming core belief and facing fear of abandonment or rejection, which often leads people to avoid addressing their concerns. Sabrina explains that using your voice is crucial because your partner should want to hear your opinions and understand your needs. Effective communication involves setting boundaries, using “I” statements, and addressing behaviors rather than criticizing character to foster healthier dialogue. She highlights the toxic effects of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which can undermine trust and connection, and encourages couples to actively listen, stay curious, and be consistent in communication. Sabrina advises addressing issues in person rather than over text, being specific and direct about your needs, and choosing the right time for discussions to avoid escalating conflict. She also notes the importance of repairing conflict rather than just avoiding it, as healthy relationships are built on the ability to repair and grow through challenges, not simply on the absence of conflict. Ultimately, Sabrina believes that navigating conflict with openness and honesty strengthens the bond between partners. Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Please support our sponsors! Get free shipping on orders over $75 at Skims HERE! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select The Sabrina Zohar Show in the dropdown menu that follows. Get 20% off your first order at Posh Peanut with code SABRINA HERE!  Get 10% off your first month of Betterhelp HERE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, friends, welcome back to Friday. Oh, I'm just in a singing mood today, which actually helps regulate your nervous system. But I digress. We'll get to that another day. Babes, we're back for a solo. I love solo time.

I love reconnecting with you guys. And today, we're talking about communicating your needs and how do you actually navigate conflict, like some step-by-step tools and some things that you guys can actually start to implement. And we're going to talk about a lot of stuff. We're going to talk about the core beliefs and the fears that come up and, you know, some reframes that I think might be necessary. So guys, I'm stoked and I just wanted to thank everybody so fucking much. Thank you guys for showing up. Thank you for rating the show, reviewing the show, sharing it with a friend, doing all the things. That's how we grow. The only way I can grow on the chart is by getting new people through the ecosystem, having the reviews, having the ratings, sharing it. So like, I know some of you guys had no idea. So that's my only ask. I don't need anything financially from you guys besides just support and love if you want. to keep coming back. And I'm here for you guys. I will protect this community at all costs. And so I just wanted to thank you guys as always. And if you need anything, you guys know it's in the link in the show notes. You could join the foundation course, the breakup course. Masha and I have a

course coming out next week on regulating your nervous system, zero to three months in dating. So there's something for everybody. There's some free shit. There's some paid stuff. Invest in yourself in any way you see fit. So guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey, babes. Okay, we're back. We're here. And you guys, I am taking the feedback.

I'm trying to make the intro shorter, get right to the meat and potatoes. And we got a lot of, like, fun stuff coming out. None of the thing, I'll give you guys even an update. You know, if you'd talk to me in July of this year, I thought the show is going. Boy, boy, boy, I thought we had a different future, right? Like our numbers were, you know, three times what they are. We were just fucking crushing it. And then the name change happened and then SEO got all confused.

And like, it's part of it, right? Like, this is nothing, this is nothing crazy and new. But for me, what I saw was that was it I was dead in the water. You're losing everything. And, you know, it's funny. I was talking to my mom the other day. And she goes, you know, I know you're going to hate me for saying this. And I was like, go on.

And she was like, I actually think you needed to go through this. You needed to go through this and lose something that meant so much to you so that you could actually realize the fucking strength that you have and start to support yourself and stop waiting for other people to do that behind a name. And I was like, man, this bitch. And she's not wrong. Right? And like, I just wanted to kind of share, guys, the journey is not linear. It is not. I went back. I regressed. I had some inner child work to do. I struggled. But I also now, I mean, in the last week, I've just realized like, Zohar, dust off your knees and take control of your fucking life. You don't get, you, the outside world is not going to dictate what's internally going to be happening for me. And although we could be going through so many things, you're not dead in the water. This isn't the end-all be all. And though it might feel it, It's not factual that it is, right?

We're not guaranteed tomorrow, but we are in this moment. All we have is right this second. So let's start to live in this moment. Guys, for so many years, I've just been scared of what's to come. Scared to them to lose everything. But the reality was I was so scared that I was going to lose everything that I wasn't actually valuing what I had. Right? It's like, they call like rich people problems, right?

You've so much money, you're scared of losing it. And it's like, well, don't worry, that's not me. I'm not there yet. But it was just more that fear that growing up, it was always, I don't know what's going to happen. Where is the consistency? Are we going to be left? Do we have money? Are we going to have food tomorrow? And knowing that now I'm in control of that. I get to control my destiny. And even though, right, so there might be changes, that doesn't mean that internally I need to implode. Because if I lose control of me, then the whole ship is going down. So just a friendly reminder. We're here. We're doing this. And today we're going to talk about some really important stuff. And so for anybody that's in the foundation, course. If you guys are part of this, you guys have understood and seen already my emphasis on communication. But if you're not, that's cool. Let's fucking talk about it. And as you guys,

the course is always there if you need it. That's my shameless plug. But it is. And we are here. And guys, when I say we have some changes coming up, nothing bad. The show is not going anywhere, baby. We're only going to be adding some fun shit to it. But I'm really excited. I'm excited to see what's to come. I'm excited for all the hell of the blue of this year to be over and done. We're so close. But I'm also excited about the growth opportunities because all of us are growing very, very cohesively together. And that's the part of this. It's the best part of the community is we get to have each other's back.

So when one person's down, the other person's there to lift the other one out, let's talk about communicating. And we really just need to like start to understand. I'm going to, of course, you know, go over a couple of studies that I have that really show and highlight some steps and things. And then I'm going to answer some of your questions because I think it's really important to highlight something. Not almost every day.

Every single day, some of you guys, you know, because you can purchase a question and I send a video back, I will get it multiple a day that give this entire soliloquy of like all the issues happening, right? There's like a thousand bad things going on. And then I get, but, you know, I'm scared if I say anything. I'm going to push them away. What do I do? And what I see from there is a lack of self-trust, right? You're asking somebody else to validate.

What do I do? I can never tell you guys what to do. That is not my job. I am just here to guide you, but it's your life. life. You guys have to be okay with the decisions you make and you guys have to be okay with whatever, you know, willing the chips fall, right? I would never let anyone tell me what to do, but I get feedback and I then see what resonates and what hits. And then in that moment, I'm like, this is important. And when it comes to communication, we first have to start to look at

this like narrative of, I'm too much, I'm going to be too needy and I'm going to push them away because that often reflects that underlying fear of rejection and abandonment. You know, here's the thing. I know as a child for me to express myself to my father was World War III. There wasn't an opportunity for me to say, hey, I don't really like the way you said that. That really impacted me. Moving forward, could you actually say this? It's like I would have been hit or my father would have just left. So these things were not safe for me and this was not a safe place for me to be.

But here's the reality. You're not dating your mom or dad anymore. The discomfort that we feel, oh, they're going to abandon me. It's like, okay, let's talk about what abandonment means. By definition, abandonment means that this person leaving means that there is a threat to your survival. You're not going to die. As a child, if your parent left you, absolutely, that is abandonment because you could potentially die if your caregiver left you. But you're no longer that kid anymore. And if we don't start to learn that using your voice is important, we want to hear your voice. I want to hear what you have to say.

And I can fucking promise you, so does your partner. You know, like even yesterday, Tech Guy night in the mornings, like, he's not very talkative in the mornings. And he's mentioned it before. And like he'll try to, you know, but he can get like snippy about it. And so I'd come down and like, I'm more energized in the morning. Like the minute I wake up, I'm like, yay, anxiety, let's go. And then by five o'clock, I'm like, I'm crashed, I'm tired. Like I'm done with the day. Please leave me alone. And so when I had come downstairs and I was trying to talk to him. And I was trying to even like, not anything serious or heavy. Like, I understand it's like six in the morning. The last thing you want to hear is like, hey, I'm scared that. we're going to lose everything. It's like, no. So we were talking and we were just like shooting the shit. And he just kept giving me like, mm-hmm. But then he had his headphones in and he kept taking them out and like rolling his eye when I'd say something. And so then I said, okay. And so I was like watching this like, oh my God, I looked back and I was like, this is insane because I could see he was watching it. And I was like, how can you get away with this? And he just blatantly ignored me. And I felt so dismissed. I felt so not a priority. And I was like, okay. And I just

sat there. And I gave him a sense. space. And I was like, okay, I'll talk to him when he's more receptive. And eventually he came over and like he took his headphones out. And then he started to make comments on the show. And this was like 25 minutes later. And so like all the whole while I'm sitting there as if I'm like, so you don't see me. You don't see that there's another human here. And it's like, I could have very easily gaslit myself, like, here you go again. Being dramatic. You're such a drama queen. No. I could have totally made a narrative of like, he doesn't care about you. What a fucking asshole. He doesn't give a shit about what you have to say? And it's like, no. Instead, what I did was I was like, I will bring this up

when it feels right. And he made a comment. He was like, could you believe this? And I didn't say anything. And he was like, hello. And I looked at him and I said, so how did that feel for you? And he looked and I said, how did it feel for you to be blatantly speaking to me and for me to just pretend like you didn't exist, like you were air with a name and that I didn't hear you? And he was like, well, that's shitty. And I said, cool, that's what you've been doing to me for the last 30 minutes. And I said, well, I understand you might want some space in the morning. This is also my home. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to come downstairs to someone that has their headphones in, sees me.

And every time I say something, I roll. And I was like, what is that about? And he was like, he stopped and he said, I totally understand. He was like, I could see how that would be really hurtful and really dismissive. And he goes, I'm sorry you felt that way. And before I could say anything, he goes, no, I'm sorry that my actions made you feel like that. Because I totally get it. Just because I need space in the morning doesn't mean that I have to take that out on you.

And I said, well, but then you end up going and walking the dog. I take clients for three hours. I was like, I don't speak to you sometimes until 10 or 11 even in the morning. I said, so it's not that I'm not okay with you taking the space and wanting to process. I said, but you can also communicate that with me. And let me know, hey, babe, this morning I'm just really shut off. I'm going to put my headphones on and get lost. This isn't about you.

And he was like, no, 100%. I totally understand it. And later in the day after you had therapy, he said, listen, I just wanted to say, you know, I validate that. And again, I apologize for making you feel small in the house. And I was like, thank you. That's it. I didn't need to scream.

I didn't need to yell. I didn't need to be like on this high horse of like, uh-uh. Because when we're talking about communication and relationships, it's like, do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship? Like, do you want to, do always, like I meet people like that. They always have to be right. No, but I felt this. And it's like, again, I'm not discrediting that what you feel isn't valid. I'm saying, sure, you can feel everything, but that doesn't mean it's factual. That doesn't mean that this other person is intending to hurt you like that. Sometimes we have to remember that when we communicate, we perceive, we receive, our perception of things. We project onto other people. Well, this is how I would say it.

Okay, well, that's not how everybody communicates. And that's also part of it is like part of dating and relationships is also being cognizant that people are going to communicate differently. You know, and inclusive of like fucking texting and all of that, you know, people's communication needs vary. And we have to be cognizant. When we talk about communication, this isn't about like, why didn't they text me every day. It's like we're done with that. Like, we need to evolve from these conversations. We have to fucking grow and understand. understand, okay, texting's not the end all, be all. Like, if there's other things in the relationship that are an issue, guess what?

I need to talk about it. Because I have, you know, I have, like, so many clients that I work with and everything is very, well, no, they should just know. They should just read my mind. And it's like, what are you seven? Somebody's just automatically supposed to know. And then I remember I had one client, like this couple of years ago. And she said, well, every time I, I, you know, I don't, why do I have to keep

telling this person stuff? And I said, okay, but what's happened when you do? And she said, well, every time I tell this person something, they do it. And I said, okay, so then you're telling me that you shouldn't have to communicate, right? You don't need to say anything. People should just read your mind. And she said, well, no. And I said, well, what's the discomfort with expressing it?

And she said, well, you know, as a kid, I was always too much if I said something. It's like, well, so that's the issue. And that's okay. I understand that. That setting a boundary can be very scary. Telling somebody how you feel can feel scary. So let's talk about some practical tools that you can actually start to implement to communicate. Because here's the thing, if you're scared that communicate,

is going to send someone running, I hate to break it to you, you've already lost the relationship. Then good luck. What do you think the relationship's going to be when you don't communicate? Right? And if you're saying, well, this person puts me down or dismisses me, it's like, great. So then what are you doing dating these people? What are you doing dating people that are just going to reaffirm your core beliefs that you're too much and that you're too needy and that there's something wrong with you? Because guess what? That's learned in early development. That's not actually, listen, there's a difference between constantly needing someone to validate your needs or to satisfy your needs, right? Why didn't you text me? Why aren't you doing this? Where it's like almost everything is a

problem where you're like, yo, dude, do you know how to take care of yourself? Do you know how to take care of a need intrinsically? Because this is getting overwhelming. Versus, hey, you know, like Ryan, like you spoke to me in a way or you made me feel really shitty in my own home and I want to express that to you because here's the thing. Imagine if I didn't say anything to him, I would have been resentful. I would have been angry. I would have been stewing. I would have been projecting onto him. I would have been assuming things about him. I would have have made scenarios about him and I would have been disconnected from my partner. Instead, what is the way I communicate. And by communicating, I allowed him to then also hold space for me. And I allowed him to help me reaffirm different beliefs to myself.

You are worthy. You are deserving. Someone does care about you. People do validate your voice. It's just the right people. I can't tell you how many times I dated guys. I was terrified to say anything. I was scared to open up because I was scared.

And here's the reality. My needs were never met. Constantly self-abandoning to make sure that they weren't going to leave me. So we're attaching or we're connecting. Because here's another thing. Oftentimes when we are vulnerable and we express ourselves, yeah, there is a possibility that that might be, quote, unquote, too much for the other person to receive. But that doesn't mean that you are too much. One of my clients said it's so beautifully the other day.

She said, I wish my partner would understand. I don't want more than them. I want more of them. I don't want more than them. I want more of them. It's not that you are needing more, not good enough, not worthy. It's not that I need more than you, but I need to hear more of you. I need you to communicate.

I need to hear your thoughts. I need you to call me out of my shit. I need these things. That's an natural need because I need you to also tell me how to love you and I need to also tell you to love me in a way that's balanced, right? Hey, that doesn't work for me. I don't like that. That doesn't feel good.

To same with intimacy. When you're hooking up with someone, you're having sex with somebody, fucking communicate. Hey, oh, don't like that. Oh, God, I used to not. I would be sleeping with somebody and be like, oh, God, this hurts. And I was like, oh, God, it's brain it. Don't be like, lame. Come on. Just like, get through it. It's like, what? What I was telling myself that whole time was that I didn't matter and that I, my needs didn't matter. And I was scared to open up. And like, I care about what you guys need. But do you? Because then we just revalidate to little you. Yeah, you're right. You're not good enough. You're not worthy. You are too much. You're too much for me to handle because I don't know what to do with you. That's heavy. And you don't deserve that. You deserve way better. So let's start talking about a lot of you guys might know the Gottman's, right?

And so they have research that they've done that show that couples who communicate effectively are more likely to have long-lasting relationships. So they created the four horsemen of the apocalypse and how avoiding these behaviors can improve communication. So criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And so there was a study done from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships would found that expressing needs clearly and assertively leads to higher relationship satisfaction because let's think about it, right? If I, all my life, never felt like I was listened to

or anything like that. It's like, what do I want more than anything? Someone to hear me. Okay, well, but am I hearing myself? Because I so badly want all these other people to hear me invalid into all that, but am I doing that for myself? How am I going to expect? Because it's always funny when I hear people say, well, you know, on a date, they just tell me what I want to hear. And I'm like, how did they know what you wanted to hear? So you're just that generic and predictable that I could just say, yeah, I want a relationship. So every person on the planet is going to go, oh, yeah, me too. What about the people go, I'm not? That's not what I want. Or the people that are like, hmm, okay, what does that mean to you? And then they start to probe deeper. You can only

wear a mask for so long before inevitably you're going to have to be like, oh, fuck, true colors are going to show. And so trying to pretend to be this, we wonder why you're not getting your needs met. Are you asking for them? Are you standing up for them? Are you demanding them? And communication is part of that. So when we talk about the four horsemen, so we have to look can see, there are four negative communication styles that can be detrimental to relationships. And the first one's criticism. So criticism involves attacking your partner's character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. It often starts with you always, you never statements that can make the other person feel attacked or defensive. So instead of criticizing,

it's important to address specific behaviors that are causing it. So for instance, with Ryan, I could have been like, you never fucking listen to me. You always have your headphones on. You know, right? And it's like, that wouldn't be fair. That would. Do you think he's going to be like, oh, yeah, you're right. I always do that. It's like, no, that's going to cause someone to be defensive. What are you talking about? I don't always do that.

Then what ends up happening is we're disconnecting. We're not actually talking about the issue. The issue was, I felt it was dismissive and rude. I didn't feel like a priority and I didn't feel respected. That's the issue. That doesn't mean my partner always does that. And so the first aspect here that we have to look at is using eye statements, right? We could go to somebody and say, well, you do this and you do this.

It's like, cool, what about me? So how can we approach this? My first thing I will always say, when you want to communicate with someone, numero one, numero one is ask for consent. Hey, can I share something with you? Hey, is this a good time? Can I share something? Right?

I remember me and Ryan's first, like, you know, not even fight. It wasn't a fight. We don't fight because we talk about the issues at hand. And when we start to see someone's veering off, like we had something the other day and he said, you know, this is causing this. And I said, oh, really? It's not all of these other things you were going through. And he was like, oh, shit, you're right.

Oh, that's a good point. And I was like, yeah, there's a way to communicate with people and to express clearly, like, is that actually the issue or is the issue actually this, that this is causing you to feel this? Oh, yeah, I didn't think about that, right? You're helping your partner. You're not criticizing them. You're not attacking them. I don't need to be like, here we go again, being a fucking avoidant.

It's like, how is that going to help? We're only getting further away from each other. And so use eye statements. Like, I feel, like I did, I feel dismissed when you put your headphones on because I don't actually feel like you're giving me this space to be myself in my own home. Moving forward, please let me know, hey, I'm going to be disconnected and then put your headphones back in. It's fine.

Communicate that with me. Right? Like, we had even like, anytime I've hired people in the past, you know, even like now, we're doing merch and I'm so fucking excited guys for anyone watching. You've seen these fun mugs. Oh, I can't wait, but we're doing sweaters and teas. And like, even one of the brands that we had reached out to, like, we didn't work with them because the communication was nonsense.

They went three weeks without even answering. And then finally they were like, oh, here's our capability. And then every time we touch back, they wouldn't answer. The other brand that we reached out to, we're already in fucking design stages and like getting samples made. You know, and this other company still didn't even answer. Communication is important. I'm not saying you have to like overly communicate where it's like every thought and process

is being, eventually after a while you're like, hey, you don't have to share everything with me. But it is important to have basic communication and to maintain that. Whether that be personal, professional, it doesn't matter. Use eye statements. So then the next thing that we look at is contempt, right? Contempt is characterized by feelings of superiority and disrespect towards your partner. So it can manifest through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, or mockery. Contempt is toxic to a relationship as it conveys a lack of respect and can erode the emotional

connection between partners. Building empathy and showing appreciation can help counteract this, right? Use active fucking listening. So when somebody comes to, instead of being like, oh, God, here we go again, that's dismissive. It's like, wait, I'm sorry. So now me even just just having a basic need, right? That's too much for them because guess what? let's peel this back. When you were, oh, I was too much, and pushed them away. Really wanted to push away

for them to have to take accountability and ownership and acknowledge that they hurt you, for them to validate your emotions and feelings. And I get it. If you grew up in a household where you were like, that wasn't my norm.

Anytime I went to my parents, they would shut down or they would tell me I was being too emotional. I get it, I see you. Then that's where we learn that from. That, oh, my needs and my needs are just too much.

I can't say anything. It's like, well, yeah, because I had somebody all of my life that was validating that anytime I went to them because they didn't have the bandwidth for that. Do I blame myself because my parent was emotionally unavailable? Well, not anymore, because I can't control them, but I can control myself. So active listening. It's not about I'm waiting for them to stop talking so I can start talking. Are you hearing them? Are you really listening

to what they have to say? If your partner says, I didn't notice that I did that. I apologize. It's not about like, well, fuck you. It's like, oh, okay. You know, if you didn't notice that, like, that's a little concerning. You didn't think that what you said was rude to me. getting curious, listening to what they say. Also, something that's really, really important. Repeat back to them, right? What I heard was this. Am I on to, am I correct about that? You know, like what I heard you say was this? Is that what you meant to say? Put the quiet. And if they're like, no, God, that's not what I meant? Okay, well, what did you mean to say? Stay curious. When you're communicating with someone, stay curious. And guys, here's the thing.

I'm teaching you all these tools and things that you could do for yourself. We also have to be cognizant that if somebody else cannot step up like that, somebody does the eye rolls, accidentally, starts thinking, here you go, always making a fucking issue. Then it's like, those are the moments to stop and go, I'm not doing this anymore. I don't need to convince you to fucking care about me.

I don't need to convince you to listen to me. I don't need to convince you to hear me. Right? So we have to be cognizant. I get this every day. We're like, well, I do that, but they don't. It's like, then stop dating people like that. Stop.

Don't give more energy to people that are disrespecting your energy and not even trying, to fucking come to the plate that you need them to be at. You do get a choice here. So, and also don't forget, be specific and direct in your needs. Instead of saying like, I just need more attention, I need more texting. It's like maybe we could be specific of like, I would like to spend more time with you on the weekend so that I feel more connected to you. I would need this. Like I did with Ryan yesterday, moving forward, I'd really love if you could just tell me next time,

babe, I'll, you know, next time say, hey, babe, I got my headphones on. I'm not in the, I'm not in the mood right now to talk. cool thank you very much it gives the partner thank you for letting me know what you need again and if you're like well but i don't have to express myself it's like people aren't going to read your mind your parent your parents and your caregivers could not attune to your needs in the ways you needed but apparently now random strangers that you're meeting and dating need to can you are you satisfied you're just you just know let me ask you a question if you're dating someone that doesn't communicate with you you just know what they need you always know what they need to hear didn't think so well next aspect defensiveness mm-hmm defensiveness is a

response to feeling attacked or criticized, but it often escalates conflict rather than resolving it. When one person becomes defensive, it can prevent effective communication and problem solving. Instead of being defensive, it's important to take responsibility of your part in the conflict. Remember, again, if somebody starts to get defensive, like, hey, whoa, did you feel like I was attacking you? Because that was not my intention. My intention was to share with you. And I've seen that. I've dated people like this and I've worked with people like this, that like every single thing you say is taken as an attack in defensiveness. You know what I have to say to those people? Go to therapy. Start to heal your shit and stop projecting and deflecting your insecurities onto everybody else because

somebody is coming to you with an issue. Again, guys, we can only control ourselves. We cannot control other people. So if you're dating people and they get constantly get defensive, everything becomes an issue. It's like because that's a clear indicator they do not want to take accountability or ownership. And that is a big issue. Right. And again, then the last aspect too, like choose the right time and place, right? Like I remember a friend of mine like took me to lunch to have a serious conversation. And I was like, dude, we were at your house for an hour prior. Like, you should have just talked to me in private. Do not bring me out in public.

We're like, people know who I am. It's not being arrogant. It's like there are people that listen to me that recognize my face. I don't need people to hear my fucking personal business out to dinner. Because guess what happened? Somebody was sitting next to me recording us. Like it's just choose the right time and place. Again, hey, can I share this with you?

Right. It's like if somebody is, if you're dealing with, if somebody's saying like I'm having a crazy day, then that might not be the moment to be like, well, I need to share with it. It's like, hey, can I share something with you? If they're like, babe, I'm just not in the headspace. Okay, can we talk about this tomorrow? It's really important that I share this with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's talk about it tomorrow. How about two? I'll call you then. Right? We can have compassion and empathy. Just because you're going through something doesn't mean the other person has to be ready to receive it. But like we can communicate that.

Right. Hey, I really need to talk to you. I remember Ryan and I had an issue when we first started to date. And he said, okay, what time works? He goes, I can call you at one. I said, okay, If not, I can talk to you tomorrow. He goes, no, no, one o'clock's work. Okay, great. Why don't you FaceTime me? And we did. And I'll never forget being on the phone with my mom saying, you know, mom, but what if when I say this, like, it makes him run? My mom goes, good, to hold the door open. She's like, what are you afraid of losing? If you just expressing yourself, I'm like, I get that all the time of like, oh, well, you know, if I want to ask for more, what if that pushes them away? It's like, well, but you're asking for more that by definition

could mean that it could push someone away because they don't have more to give. Right. It's like me saying, well, I don't want to raise my prices. What if I push people away? It's like, well, but by raising my prices, I am going to push people away. Because my value goes up, then there are going to be ample people that cannot match that value, that can't meet that, they can't afford that value. So if you want a relationship and someone else does, and you're like, well, I'm scared if I say anything and they're going to leave.

It's like, okay, so what are you afraid of losing? Someone that's half in and half out? Because I can all but guarantee you when you start to use your voice, that's what changed for me. And I'll be fucking honest with you guys right now. You want to know what made my dating life change? when I started to communicate more effectively, when I wasn't afraid, when I wasn't scared of speaking up, when I said, listen, what do I have to lose? If I don't share this with this person, then I'm unhappy, I'm unsatisfied, and my needs don't get met? Well, then what's the fucking point of being in

this relationship or dynamic? So that was what changed my relationships. When I learned had to communicate like a fucking adult, I responded, I didn't react. Takes time. And I'm not saying that everybody has to be there, but that will change the game for you. And the next aspect, Stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction and shuts down emotionally. This can happen as a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded by emotions. Stonewalling prevents productive communication and can leave the other partner feeling unheard and invalidated. So it's important to take breaks when needed and commit to coming back. So guys, I hear this all the time of like, well, you know, I was dating someone and like, they stormed off.

And it's like, okay, well, that's not appropriate, right? This isn't, you don't get to have a temper tantrum and just storm off because mommy said something that she did that you didn't like. But there's a difference between someone saying, hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Like I've said that Tyraina, I'll literally be like, I'm sorry, I need a minute. And it's Like, if your partner says that, like, hey, I just need a minute. It's like, okay, it's okay. Go take a minute. Let's come back when you're feeling okay. You know, and it's like, that can mean an hour. That could mean a day, right? We don't go be more than like a day. Now it's just, now we're getting ridiculous. I hear that. I'll have like, oh, they needed to take some space. And it's like,

yeah, how much. But my next question is, okay, you need space. How much space do? When would you like to reconnect? That's intentionality. Not just leaving it open and, well, I just need the space. Okay, how much space? I don't know. Great. So why you take the space? And while you do that, I'm going to do what I need to do. And by doing what I need to do means accepting that, I don't know if it's going to work with me with this person. Let's see what happens. So let's get to some questions, shall we? How do I open up the hard conversation? It always feels awkward and out of the blue. Well, but here's the reality. Sometimes it is. Sometimes the hard conversation is out of the blue. It is out of the ordinary. It is because you're not talking about things like that.

And so what I would suggest is from the beginning having these kinds of conversation. Like, again, the communication being open, honest, like, hey, I'm really liking you. How are you feeling about things with us. Good, me too. I'd love to keep progressing. That way, when we get to the conversation of like, hey, I'd really love to be your girlfriend. Great. We've prepped and primed it. But when it comes to having hard conversations in general, remember, ask for consent. Hey, can I share something with you? And if they say, can you give me a minute? Yeah, absolutely. Why don't you just let me know when you have the headspace. I'd love to share this with you. Do not, we need to talk. I have to say, like, I'm not cool. No, no, no, no. We don't need to get somebody already on the defensive, right? Of like,

we need to talk. Nobody wants to hear we need to talk. When has that ever boated? well. So hey, can I share something with you? It's always a really good way to open this up. And you can be honest. Like, I know this is a tough conversation and I know this is a little awkward and weird, but I also feel like if I don't share it with you, I'm not being authentic and honest with myself. And then I'm not being fair to you either. Would you want that? I can pose a question back. So what do you do about overcommunication? My boyfriend is amazing, but talks too much. So that's where we have to be honest with them and say, hey, while I really understand, don't necessarily feel like you have an internal, like, I feel like your internal monologue is

becoming everybody's monologue. And I've said that to my mom, I'm like, mom, I love you, but I'm not in the mood to communicate right at this moment. I feel like we've already done enough. You know, and it's just being honest of like, hey, babe, you know, would you like, here's another way of saying it. Like, hey, I think what it might be a good idea is maybe finding someone else to talk to because I find that you overly communicate with me to the point where I don't need to know all of these things. I can't be privy to this much of your personal space and your mind, right? Because that is a relationship killer. If every time you're like, well, I'm not attracted to you right now. And you're like, cool, you could have kept that to yourself.

I don't need to know things like that. It's like in this moment, it's like, well, I got over it 20 minutes later. It's like, cool. Yeah. Keep your internal monologue to yourself. And so I would just communicate. Hey, it's feeling really overwhelming. I'm feeling like I am the only person you communicate with. And I'm feeling like you almost dump onto me. And it's feeling really, really heavy for me. And so I would love to know, would you like my help to maybe find someone that you could talk to that could help you with things. Right. Again, if you can't just fucking say that to your partner, you will not be able to be in a healthy and secure relationship. You will be unhappy most of the fucking time. Because then if they say, well, if they take everything personally and you're like,

hey, this isn't about you. Then we need to start to see what is their emotional intelligence and at maturity level. Is this a relationship that works for you? Are you their mother? Right? You have every way to communicate. And if you're not dealing with a partner like Julie Minino said, you got to have somebody that says no matter what I'm willing to work through this with you. That's what's important that you communicate through it. So how to get someone to initiate deeper conversation. Okay, so that's my issue. You can't get someone or make someone or you can't get someone to do something that they're not comfortable with. But what you can do, what I would suggest is give this a shot, right? And if you see that this doesn't work and you try and you're like,

okay, this person's not opening up, it's like, well, maybe we need to understand that this person might be emotionally unavailable, you know? Like, and that's, that's another aspect is like, let's not try to get people to be something they're not. But like, when I started dating tech guy, he is not the type. He even said, I'll answer any question, but I'm not necessarily going to, like, probe the conversation on deeper shit. And so I start with, I share something vulnerable about myself. Like, if I want to go into a deeper conversation, I'd be like, oh, man, when I was a kid, like, I remember this. Did you ever experience that? Right. Like, share something with you so that they know, oh, it's safe. I'm not going to be judged. They're sharing something.

about themselves. That way we can start, share that vulnerability, show up honestly. But then that's why I mean, that's where the buck stops. If that person still shuts down or is like, I don't know, then you can't. It's not. And I get this every day of like, how do I get this person to become more emotionally available? It's like, let them go to therapy and work on their shit. You're not, you're not going to fix them. You're not going to solve this problem. You're not going to all of a sudden just make this all go away. Unfortunately, that's just not reality. How do you communicate your level of interest when it's only been a few dates? When you're with them, hey, I had a really, great time with you. I'd love to see you again or I'm having a really, really great time with you.

Like, how are you feeling about things? Are you enjoying the way this is progressing? It doesn't have to be anything outrageous, right? Maybe if you guys are out to dinner and you're laughing and you're like, man, I've been having so much fun with you. I have not laughed like this with anybody. I feel really connected with you. Like, I'd love to hear how are you feeling about things? Like, is this, is this exciting to you too? That's it. Right? We do it in person when you're making fucking eye contact. This is not a text thing. You text like, I really like, I really like, I really like. like you. Same. And then all of a sudden, you're stewing and you're spiraling. You what? He didn't say, why didn't you say anymore? It's like, have a conversation in person and share how you feel.

Let people know, like, I like you a lot. I really do. I love being with you. It makes me really happy when I see your name pop up on my phone. I love our plans. It makes me feel secure and safe in this relationship. I feel really good with you. I feel really validated when I'm with you. Thank you for seeing me. It's rarity. I love our conversation. Right. Like, you are a lot. And if somebody's like, whoa, whoa, this is a lot. It's like, well, then they can't. receive that love. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Obviously, within reason. You don't want it to, it's not obnoxious where every five and a half seconds, you're like, okay, okay, thank you. I get it. You like me. Like, can we move on? Right? There's a balance here

between like, okay, am I being, am I doing this to try to get them to choose me? Am I doing this because my mom always says when you're too sweet, you're giving me a toothache? Or am I doing this because there's an authentic part of me that genuinely believes that. When to talk about future stuff in a relationship? So I think there's a balance here. In the early stages of dating, the first like one to two months, it's important to make sure you align on the bigger picture, right? Hey, do you want kids? Do marriage? Do you like this? Do you like this? Where do you want to live? Do you want to stay here? I can't tell you many people will meet. They're like, oh yeah, I met someone, but they're moving in two months. You're like, okay, so then is this alignment? No, I'm never going to move. Okay, so then I think we're done here.

Right. Like, what do we do we do? This person's not willing to move. They're going to move. They're saying, I'm out of here in two months. So then you're not in alignment. So I think there's a difference between making sure like, hey, yeah, do you want to be a stay-at-home mom or dad, or do we both want to work when we have kids, just understanding what kind of future do you want to have? So it's an alignment in a conversation. Then when you start to bring up like, what are we doing? It's like our future, that's not for like quite a few months down the road, baby.

We need, and like, I'm not going to give you like a six months and that's it. It's like, have you cultivated enough of a relationship to know that this is somebody you want that future with? So when we start like, I'm sorry, but if I hear one more person right in like, oh, we met and we were future planning and they said they wanted me to meet their friends and family. And it's like, oh my God, you've known this person for three hours, guys. You don't know these people long enough to start making all these grandiose future plans. And that's future faking. And so we want to be cognizant.

If somebody's already being like, if you go on two dates with someone and they're already like, ooh, in May, we should go to New York. It's like, yeah, why don't we talk about the third date first before we get to that? Right. Set the boundary of like, yeah, that sounds great. Can we have a third date first? And then we could talk about that type of stuff. Because you have very good to be like, yeah, I don't know you well enough.

I'm not going to plan like a trip next summer. Or look, oh, I want you to meet my family. like yeah, again, like, why don't we have a few more dates before we do that? I'd love that, just not right now. Just be honest and communicate. The reality is, guys, I need you to trust yourself. I need you to trust that your feelings are valid. I need you to validate your emotions and feelings.

I also want you to take a fucking beat. Take some space between when someone says something to you that hurts you, you don't have to initially respond. You can say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we talk in an hour. Or like what I did with Ryan, where I was just like, I'm just going to process this for a minute and I'll come back to it. You don't have to respond. We don't have to immediately respond. Doesn't have to be right. Again, do you want to be right? Or do you want to have a healthy and secure relationship? Conflict is not the issue. It's the repair. The repair is what makes me feel supported by my partner. It's the repair. The conflict is part of it. And if you guys think that you're going to have a relationship with no issues, enjoy being single then because that's not a realistic. It's not reality. That's like saying I want to have a day where I don't get anything but happy. And it's like, okay. So go live in. La La Land in a bubble then. Conflict is normal. It depends on what the repair is.

How many times have you guys seen like I do where you see a couple fighting and you're like, I don't even know what they're fighting about anymore. They were fighting for like 25 minutes. And now we've evolved from, it was about the fact that he didn't take the trash out. But now we are talking and your guys are cursing at each other. And next thing you know, he's leaving. I don't know what we have because it's not actually about the core root and issue. So we have to be cognizant of like, what's the fucking problem? Can we address that and then move on? Once you're done with the conversation, we move on from it. I didn't all day start attacking around and be like, well, maybe if you listened, no, I didn't make snide, because we spoke about it

until I felt okay. Okay, we could put this to rest. And we move on. But it's really important to just be cognizant of all of these variables and aspects. All right, how do it navigate the anxious avoidant dynamic as an anxious without self-abandonment? The same things I've been talking about. Regulate your nervous system. Stop self-identifying. Well, I'm anxious. That's why I respond this or react this way. It's like, or I could work on my triggers and my reaction to my emotions, space in between them and then respond. Again, with Ryan, I could have instantly attacked him in that moment, been like, you never fucking listen to me. You always have your headphones then. But instead I was like, yeah, he's going through something right now. I was cognizant to that.

And so was I. I was like, I feel pretty triggered. I felt pretty activated. And I was like, I can give this a minute. Let me process it. Let me really understand what's bothering me. So then when I communicate with him, I'm responding. And I'm coming from a pretty calm fucking place. I'm not being screaming. I'm not yelling. I'm not being overreact. I'm just, hey, this bothered me, man. I didn't appreciate it. That's not cool. Don't, that's what I mean by like, if somebody is avoidant, so remember, anxious and avoidant, when triggered, these come out. That doesn't mean that this person's always allowed to avoid conversations in life. But when triggered in moments like this, do they shut down and go,

fine, I don't want to talk about it? Or are they overlook, I need, why aren't you validating me? I need to talk about this right now. It's like maybe both partners can be okay with taking a second, right? If you're the more leaning anxious, okay, I need to put space. Not everything has to be handled in that exact second. Because then that. what you're doing is you're learning to trust yourself. Hey, I want to process this. I want to give myself the grace to understand what's really coming up for me. That's beautiful. And that's a really, really big aspect of self-love, right? And like, you know, somebody had asked, I don't know how to articulate my feelings in the moment. How do I convey them? Give yourself a minute. Hey, I'm really

struggling right now to put these into words. Can you give me a second? I just, I'm feeling a lot of things, but I want to understand them. And then you start to sit of like, okay, what's coming up for me? Yeah, I'm pretty pissed. Okay, am I pissed about that? No, I'm pissed about this. Okay, so it's this. That's the issue. Okay. And then when they said this, this is what made. Okay. So this is why I'm upset. Got it. And I'm valid for that. So now I'm going to communicate that. It's okay to be like, hey, I need a minute. You don't have to just do everything at the time when people want it. Do I need to communicate my needs if it comes from an anxious place? Again, all the same things. Regulate and start to understand. Sometimes I'll have anxiety and I'll notice. And like at the first couple of times, it doesn't bother me.

And then maybe the third or fourth time, I'm like, hey, this has caused me a lot of anxiety. Could you not do that? Please. Thank you. And it's like, okay. Thanks for letting me. And then sometimes not, right? But that's where we have to put the space to say, is this something I need to share? Or is this something I can call my mom or my friend or my therapist and talk to them about? I don't need my partner to know that I'm anxious because of something frivolous. But again, process, regulate, go for a walk.

And be like, okay, is me communicating this with my partner going to help our relationship? Is this going to help the dynamics? Is this going to change anything? Some good questions to kind of ask yourself if this is something you want to express. Okay. And the last thing is do you keep texting if he shuts down or goes into silent mode during conflict? Someone else had asked, how do you handle a partner who shuts down during conflict? And the best way to handle that is, hey, I notice that when I come to you, you consistently shut down.

So do you want to take the day? And why don't you and I talk tomorrow when you're more regulated so that you and I can have a conversation about this? And if that person still doesn't do it, stop dating these fucking people. That's it. I don't know what else to say. you cannot force someone to communicate with you. Because I'm not even as like, well, you know, people are always talking about open communication.

Why don't we do it? It's like because we're not taught the tools. We don't know how to sit through discomfort and be uncomfortable having a hard conversation. That's why. Well, ghosting's easier. I'd rather ghost. It's like, yeah, because what you're telling me

is you don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with somebody else's shit. You take everything so personally that you'd rather just go, well, I want it to be easier. Good luck having relationships then if you want your life to be easier. Good luck having anything.

Being a business owner. Not for the faint of heart. I wouldn't recommend it. You just want an easy life. You've every right to, again, but let me know the depth and the texture of your relationships. So if you're dealing with somebody, I could have dated men that were super avoidant, that kept shutting down, that every time it became an issue, and I finally was like, I'm sorry, this is, we're not making progress here. You know, dude, if you're not going to go to therapy or fucking work on the fact that you keep shutting down, like, and that's also calling someone out of like,

hey, in the middle of like, obviously fun. One, I didn't even mention it. Stop having conflict via text. It's enough. Stop it. Call them on the fucking phone. No big, conversations via text. It is text has no tone. And you're sitting there in this anxious spiral. It's like, you know what? If somebody, if I'm having a text conversation, like my sister and I even had that the other night. And she wrote, Sabrina, I don't want to do this via text. I said, hey, you're right. Here was my intention with the, we just, it wasn't like a big deal. It was just, we didn't get to finish a conversation in person. Somebody like came in and interrupted us. And we both had to leave. And so I text her after just saying like, hey, I'd love to come, you know, talk. And she said, but, you know, I don't want to get into this via text. And I said, hey, you're right. I said, thank you for letting me know.

that's where you were. I totally understand. Why don't we meet up? You want to do something this week? Let's talk. Cool. And so if you start to see that there's conflict, just say, hey, I think we're disconnected. I know the text has no tone. Can I call you tomorrow or can I call you right now or later? Can we just talk about this? And they say, listen, I'm not in this headspace right now. Okay. Can we talk about this tomorrow? Yes, I'll call you at eight. Great. We cannot avoid these conversations. And if you're dating people that are trying to, I would highly suggest that we look at the reasons you're dating them. Okay. All right, babes. I love you. We've had a mouthful of an episode. I hope that this was able to help you guys. I hope that this helps give you guys the tools that you need. And I hope that this can also give you the confidence that you need, that your needs and voice matter. And then again, if you come from a place, then start to validate, hey, growing up, you're right, I wasn't able to express my needs, but that's not the life that I'm living anymore. And if somebody walks away, well, thanks for doing me the favor. I'm glad that me just having a fucking voice is what's going to send you running. Well, then I don't think that these people were for

you, then were they? Because remember, you speaking up, you communicating and trying? Do you think I found Ryan because I just kept going, oh, well, no guys like to communicate, so I guess I just won't. No, I was like, cool, these aren't my people then, because I know that my person is going gonna fucking love the communication that I have. Tadda, embrace it because we want to hear your voice and your voice fucking matters. I love you, babes. Thank you guys for everything. Thank you for sitting with me. And thank you guys for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. So until next time, babes.